Ocarina of Konoha
by lackofname
Summary: In a fictional forest, a blonde haired, blue eyed boy was about to become a hero. Unfortunately, said blue eyed blonde was off in Zelda: Majora's Mask. So the casting director plucked out his next choice... His name was Naruto Uzumaki.
1. And So it Begins

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Zelda or Naruto rights…yet. Just you wait, though…one day…one day…(chuckles darkly)

**Hello, anyone who still cares to read this**! I wrote this fanfiction many years ago, and stumbled upon it again…only to find that the site has disposed of the cut-off lines and made reading this endlessly difficult!

Not to mention, that ruins some of the jokes.

So I am re-uploading every chapter, edited, and providing a link to an outside site: http:/ www. freewebs. com /files_01/

Just remove the spaces and that will take you to the fic, as hosted by another site. Thanks to whoever put it up there – it was so long ago that I can't remember, anymore. Anyway, ignore my ramblings – to reading!

* * *

Our legend takes place long ago, in a forest far, far away…so far away you could even call it fictional…there lived a boy. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy who was hated by his entire village.

Unfortunately, said blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy was off in Majora's Mask. So the casting director plucked out the nearest blue-eyed blonde who was hated by his village handy. This boy's name was Naruto Uzumaki.

The reason he was hated was because he didn't have a fairy. In any other village, this would be considered quite normal – in fact, it would be stranger if you _did_ have a floating glow-ball following you everywhere. Awfully awkward, too…you would have no privacy…

That is…rather…ahem. The village had a god called the Great Deku Tree…in fact, it is with this great tree that our tale begins…

"Kyuubi. Oi, Kyuubi! Get over here!"

A faint, exasperated sigh was heard as a fire-red fairy fluttered on screen…or rather, into view.

"What do you want now?" The irate would-be kitsune grumbled.

"Well, I want you to pour some more sake over my roots," The Great Deku Tree responded in an eerily familiar voice, "but that's not what I called you for. It's about time that kid without a fairy had one."

Kyuubi cocked an eyebrow – or he would have, if his face was visible. "What do you want me to do about it?

The Deku Tree sighed. "You're a fairy."

Kyuubi pondered this for a second, before sighing. "There's no one else you can send?"

"No. Now get going. I'm the Great Deku Tree. My orders are like…well, important or something. Oh, and when you find the kid, bring him over here."

"Why?"

The Tree remained still, but Kyuubi imagined a bored shrug. "I mostly want to make fun of the fact that you have an annoying kid to follow around."

Kyuubi's eyes narrowed and he zipped off, muttering about power-crazed talking trees. Unfortunately, in his irritated state he crashed right into a fence.

"_Damn it!_" He cursed loudly before going over the top of the fence. Fairy dust was knocked loose from his body as he shook his 'head' and went flying off into a nearby tree house.

The tiny house was sparse, with only a tiny table and a small, occupied bed to fill it. The aforementioned occupant was currently snoring loudly, fast asleep.

"Oi, whelp!" Kyuubi yelled over the din. "Wake up!"

The boy didn't stir. Kyuubi sighed and tried again. "Get your lazy ass up, kid! You were summoned by the Great Deku Tree!"

Still no response from the peacefully sleeping child. Kyuubi groaned in exasperation and continued his attempts in vain…

* * *

Naruto gazed up at the slowly lowering drawbridge, rain beating down on his soaked-through green hat.

"Why am I wearing this thing anyway…?" He pondered aloud. In his peripheral vision he saw a small red orb bobbing up and down, as if nodding in agreement. His ears picked up the faint sound of galloping and searched for the source.

"Over there," the red orb noted dully, and Naruto barely had time to register a large white…something…come 'flying' out the exit.

Although the slime-coated creature was crawling at a pace only a bit faster than grass grows, Naruto had trouble making out the figures riding on it's back, but he thought he caught a glimpse of a figure clad in a pink gown.

Once they were out of sight, he turned his attention to the other figure standing at the drawbridge, waiting impatiently for them to get away.

"About time," he muttered, stepping forward, his cold eyes meeting Naruto's.

* * *

"Oh, for Din's sake, _why_ was I chosen for this? Why do the Goddesses hate me…? I never signed up for anything…hell, I'm not even a real fairy…"

Naruto's eyes slid open, focusing on the sobbing red ball directly above him. On an impulse, he reached out and grabbed it.

"ACK! Son of a -" the rest of his speech was muffled by Naruto's hand, who sheepishly let him go.

"Sorry, dattebayo," he said sleepily. "Who are you?"

The fairy gasped for air, and managed to choke out, "I'm Kyuubi, you dumbass, and if you do that again I _will_ kill you."

"Yeah, right," Naruto scoffed, but put his hands at his side. "So…Kyuubi…why are you here?"

"I'm your fairy now, twerp," Kyuubi snorted. "Now come on. We have to go see the Great Deku Tree."

"The Great Deku Tree?" Naruto repeated, jumping to his feet. "_The_ Great Deku Tree?"

"Yeah, the Great Deku Tree, we've established that," the fairy sighed irritably. "Can we just get a move on? The sooner we get there, the sooner I'm rid of you and the sooner I can get back to destroying the village."

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing. Can we get going?"

Naruto nodded and made his way down the ladder of his tree house.

"Naruto!"

Naruto tried to turn his head around to see the speaker, but found it a physical impossibility. So, the logical course of action, in his mind, was to let go, despite…whatever Kyuubi was saying.

"Ow…"

"Stupid," Kyuubi bounced off his head angrily. "If you're going to jump, press the forward button on the analog stick and you'll roll forward."

Naruto blinked. "What was that supposed to mean, dattebayo? What do you think this is, a video game?"

Kyuubi sighed. "I thought this was supposed to be a popular anime show, but I guess I thought wrong…"

"Besides, you aren't supposed to tell him that until you're inside the Great Deku Tree," a girl dressed in green chastised. Naruto blinked.

"Sakura? What are you doing here?"

"My name is _Saria_," the pink-haired ninja protested. "You have to get in character, Naruto!"

Naruto pulled a copy of _Ocarina of Konoha_ out from his kunai pouch. "No I don't. Look, the author let me keep my own name. You can even check the second paragraph if you don't believe me!" He pointed at the paragraph to emphasize his point

Sakura leaned over a bit to get a better look. "Well…if the author says it's okay, then…but that's not what's important right now! A fairy finally came to you, Naruto!"

"Hey, yeah, it did!" Naruto observed intelligently. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and attempted to bounce of his head again, only to be prevented by Sakura tugging lightly on his wings and cooing.

"Oh, she's such a cute little fairy! What's your name?"

"SHE?" Kyuubi sputtered. "I'm a MALE fairy!"

"Oh, come on, don't bullshit us!" a light pink fairy flittering around Sakura's head yelled. "You're pink! Who's ever heard of a damn pink fairy that wasn't a girl? Damn liar…" it finished in a lower voice.

"Inner Sakura…" Sakura chastised as Kyuubi bristled.

"I am NOT pink!" he declared. "I'm RED! Red is a MANLY colour! Heck, I'm even more orange than red! BOTH of which are NOT feminine!" In order to get the last word in, Kyuubi tucked himself under the green hat Naruto was wearing at an awkward angle.

"…Okay then…" Sakura said. "Moving on…it's so great that you got a fairy, Naruto! And a summons from The Great Deku Tree…that's amazing!"

Naruto cocked his head. "I never told you I was summoned by the Deku Tree."

"You didn't?"

"Nope."

Sakura's eyes shifted. "You must have. Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you that Mido is guarding the path to the Deku Tree, so you'll probably run into him. I hope he doesn't give you trouble…"

"And if he does, we'll kick his ass! 'Cause no one messes with OUR friends!" Inner Sakura bellowed. Sakura grabbed her and rushed off with a quick, "I'll see you later!"

"Wait, dattebayo! Who's playing Mido in this parody?" Naruto called after her, but she either couldn't hear him or ignored him. Naruto sighed.

"Look, twerp, can we just get going?" Kyuubi said weakly, voice muffled by the hat. "I'm tired, I'm irritated, and I have a lot of destruction to cause. Quit stalling and get a move on."

Naruto shrugged and made his way over to the path leading towards the Deku Tree, only to be stopped by a familiar looking Sand ninja.

"Hey, hey, hey! You can't go down this way," the cat suit clad boy sneered. Naruto's eyebrows rose to his hairline.

"Kankuro? You're in this, too?"

Kankuro shrugged. "The author got nearly everybody. Although, if she happened to miss a favourite character, or there is a character someone particularly wants to see, changes can be made. But only if you review!" He flashed Rock Lee's famous 'nice guy' pose in the direction of the screen, while corny triumphant music played in the background. Naruto blinked.

"Right…anyway, why aren't I allowed down this way?" he inquired, eyeing Kankuro's fairy warily. It looked an awful lot like a small, glowing version of one of his puppets…

"Because I'm Mido!" Kankuro stated proudly, before realizing that wasn't much of a reason. Hastily, he added, "and because you don't have a fairy! Why would the Great Godai – I mean, the Great Deku Tree send for someone like _you_?"

"Ah, but I do have a fairy!" Naruto yanked Kyuubi from his hat and held him out to show the Sand ninja, ignoring his squirming and cursing. "AND mine is a real fairy, and not just a puppet!"

Kankuro looked trapped momentarily, before yelling, "Attack, Kokiri puppets!"

The child-like villagers all turned towards Naruto with a vicious gleam in their blank eyes. Naruto broke into a sweat and yelled, "Alright! Alright! I'm sorry I called your fairy a puppet! Now can you please just let me through?"

Kankuro frowned, still looking a bit put out as the Kokiri puppets went back to what they were previously doing…which was just about nothing. "I accept your apology, and so does my fairy," he muttered, before patting his fairy affectionately on the head. "Don't you? You accept his apology, yes you do…"

Naruto coughed lightly and Kankuro blushed. "Anyway…I can't let you through until you have the proper weapons."

"I _do_ have weapons," Naruto frowned. "See? Right here in my…" his eyes grew wide with panic as he searched himself for his kunai and shuriken. "M-my weapons! Where did they go?"

"In the original game, Link didn't start out with weapons," Kyuubi said dully, filing his claws for lack of anything better to do. "You have to go find and equip a sword and shield, twerp."

Naruto groaned and Kankuro grinned. "The fairy's right. So you'll NEVER get past this point! There's only one sword in the entire forest, and NOBODY has ever found it! Especially a Mr. No-Fairy like you!"

"The shields are on sale at the Kokiri shop, though," Kyuubi said helpfully. "Now, can we get going?"

Naruto ignored Kyuubi in favour of giving Kankuro a strange look. When Kankuro noticed, he asked in a genuine voice, "What?"

Naruto cocked an eyebrow. "Well… 'Mr. No-Fairy'?"

Kankuro shrugged. "It's in the script." Naruto looked startled.

"We have a script?"

"Of course we do, twerp," Kyuubi said impatiently. "Yours just…got lost in the mail." Kyuubi's eyes narrowed dangerously. "That damn post office…"

The postman from Majora's Mask popped his head in, looking offended. "Oh, sure, blame it on us! Everyone ALWAYS blames the postman, yah!"

"GET BACK TO YOUR OWN GAME, MAIL-BOY!" Kyuubi snarled. Frightened, the postman slunk into the shadows. Naruto and Kankuro talked quietly among themselves.

"What does he have against the post office?" Kankuro asked. Naruto shook his head sadly.

"He's been that way ever since they forgot to deliver his letter telling the Yondaime he was dropping by for a visit. Y'know, to catch up on old times? He said it was their fault he was sealed inside a stupid twerp like me for twelve years."

Kankuro winced. "Ouch. That would suck, being sealed inside someone like you."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah…" A few seconds passed before he looked up, looking offended. "Hey…"

"CAN WE GET GOING?" Kyuubi hollered, still seething from the arrival of his hated nemesis. Naruto and Kankuro broke apart, looking warily at the fairy. The Sand ninja gently shoved Naruto forward, and the blonde took a few nervous steps in Kyuubi's direction. The fairy flew under his hat, and both ninjas sighed in relief.

"Well…I'll guess I'll see you later, then," Kankuro waved. Naruto nodded and wandered off in search of the fabled Kokiri sword.

* * *

Naruto was curled up in a tiny ball, Kyuubi bobbing pointlessly around his head.

"Okay," stated the fairy, who had calmed down after a while and instead taken to laughing at Naruto's current hopelessness. "You've checked Mido's house, the Know-It-All Brothers' house, Saria's house, around the Kokiri shop, by the exit to the forest, the Lost Woods, and your own house. Then you tried going back to Mido -"

"Kankuro."

"Right, him – and begged him to let you through. After all that, you still haven't found the sword. We are currently," Kyuubi glanced around quickly, "in the Kokiri…'training grounds', and by the looks of things, the sword isn't here."

"What am I going to _do,_ dattebayo?" Naruto wailed. Kyuubi's words of comfort sounded suspiciously like a snicker. "I've checked everywhere I can think of except through this conveniently sized hole in the wall!"

Kyuubi froze. "Conveniently sized hole in the wall?"

Naruto nodded and moved so that it was revealed. "I've been sitting in front of it this whole time trying to think of where it could be," he said, depressed. Kyuubi's eye twitched spasmodically.

"Maybe if we go through the hole we'll suddenly realize where the sword is," he said in a calm, controlled voice, mentally congratulating himself from not killing his charge out of sheer irritation.

Still dejected, Naruto sighed. "I don't really see how that will help, but alright…"

Kyuubi followed the blonde through the tunnel, into a grassy maze-like area. A soft rumbling reached his (non-existent) ears.

"Hey, twerp, what do you think that is?" he asked, only to have his question answered seconds later when a large boulder rolled out of nowhere and flattened his charge. "That had to hurt. You okay, twerp?"

Naruto lay still. "My lungs…they're crushed…how it burns…"

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Get up and spare me the melodrama. You aren't even bleeding."

Naruto rose to his feet and frowned. "Hey, I'm not bleeding! That's weird…"

"Not really," Kyuubi said. "The game makers didn't want to have to hike up the rating from 'E' for 'Everyone'."

"Oh…then how come you swear, Kyuubi?"

"Do I look like Navi to you? Now let's get a move on, you damn twerp. If this takes much longer I'm going to start twitching again…"

Naruto followed the once-kitsune to a large treasure chest. "Now, I'm taking a stab in the dark here," Kyuubi said monotonously, "but I'm thinking that this might possibly be the Kokiri sword."

"Really?" Naruto cried excitedly. "Wow! I don't know how you found it, Kyuubi, but you did it! You're amazing, dattebayo!"

Half-irritated by his charge's stupidly and half-flattered, Kyuubi moved out of the way without a word, inwardly debating about whether it would be worth it to shove Naruto in the way of the boulder again. Said blonde cautiously opened the treasure chest to reveal…

"This is it?" Naruto held up the sword. The 'You found an item!" music played in the background. "I'm supposed to fight with this toothpick?"

"Hey! Don't insult the toothpicks, man!" Genma cried from the audience. Raidou shushed his friend, soothingly telling him that Naruto obviously didn't know what he was talking about. Naruto ignored this and stared in disdain at the stunted sword.

"It's a weapon, isn't it? Quit bitching and let's go get your stupid shield so we can keep going, twerp," Kyuubi said impatiently. Then he started muttering to himself again. "Stupid brat fights with kunai all the time and never complains, but give him a sword that's even longer than a kunai and he whines…"

* * *

"Back again, Mr. No-Fairy?" Kankuro sneered. "Listen, I don't care how much you beg, but I'm not letting you through without a sword and shield."

"Why not?" Naruto asked, Kyuubi sitting on his shoulder and re-filing his claws.

Kankuro seemed to ponder Naruto's question. "I'm not all that sure…it may be because there are monsters beyond this point, or because you'll have to destroy the curse on the Deku Tree that no one knows about. I think it's because the script says so, though…yeah, I'll go with that one."

Naruto blinked. "What? Monsters? Curse?"

"He said monster trucks and purse, Naruto," Kyuubi drawled. Naruto blinked.

"Kankuro, I don't see what monster trucks or purses have to do with weapons," he shook his head, "but it doesn't matter. I have the sword and shield." He held them out for the Sand ninja to see. Kankuro did a comical double take and gaped at Naruto in shock.

"Wha-wha-what? How did you get those?" he sputtered. Naruto shrugged and attached the weapons to the back of his green sweat suit.

"Found 'em," he said evasively.

"Where?"

"In the forest."

Kankuro's eyes narrowed. "Everywhere is the forest."

"Yep."

"So where, specifically, did you find the sword?"

"Here."

"_Here?_"

"In the forest."

"_Where_ in the forest?"

"ARGH!" Kyuubi screamed. The two instantly fell silent. The fairy directed a piercing glare at Kankuro, which undoubtedly would have affected him if Kyuubi's eyes were visible. "Let us through _now_."

"Yes, sir," the Sand ninja squeaked, obediently moving out of the way. Naruto thanked him hurriedly before darting through the path. He had only just begun walking when a hideous plant creature sprung up from the ground!

"YARGH!" Naruto sprang back. "What the hell is that?"

"That's a Deku Baba," Kyuubi noted, voice so monotone it nearly sounded computerized. "A plant-type pokemon. It's weakness is against fire type pokemon or sharp, pointy steel. It has the annoying tendency to re-grow a few seconds after you kill it."

"What's a pokemon?"

"Just kill the evil plant, kid."

Naruto dutifully slashed at the plant, killing it easily. It left a long stick in it's place.

"Take it along, twerp."

"Why?" Naruto asked, picking up the stick. "It's just a stick. How useful could a _stick_ be to us?"

Kyuubi somehow managed to pick up the stick and swing it into the blonde's head, making a loud _thwak_. "Don't ask questions. You have unlimited space to carry pointless items, so if I tell you to pick up the stick, _pick up the damn stick_."

"Ow…" Naruto rubbed his head and tucked the stick away into his kunai pouch. Miraculously, it fit. "I see how a stick can be useful now…"

"C'mon, the Deku Tree's just up ahead," Kyuubi fluttered by his charge, leaving Naruto to run to catch up. They reached a clearing in no time. In the middle of the clearing was an absolutely massive tree, it's thick branches and leaves nearly blocking out the sunlight striving to reach the ground. The grass around its thick base was nonexistent, and further out the grass was thin and brown, having no sunlight or water to gather nutrients from.

"Great Deku Tree, I'm back with the whelp you wanted" Kyuubi called irritably.

"Ah, yes, Kyuubi…you have brought Naruto with you…this sucks. I had three-to-one odds that you wouldn't be back for another hour or so."

Naruto gaped at the tree. "Old Lady Tsunade? What are you doing here?"

"That's the Great Deku Tree to you, kid," Tsunade's voice snapped. "Now get over here…you too, Kyuubi. We have a lot to talk about."


	2. Pity Parties and Acrophobia

Disclaimer: (LON hesitates) …Alright, I know the abbreviation of my name may be misleading. I don't own Zelda or Naruto. But I'm sure you figured that already. Now go away and let me brood in peace!

* * *

"Old Lady Tsunade, is that really you?" Naruto asked uncertainly.

The tree remained still, but Tsunade's voice rang out seemingly from nowhere. "Yes, it's me, you stupid kid! Now quit calling me 'old lady' before we have to take this outside!"

"We are outside," Naruto pointed out. "Besides, you're a tree. What can _you_ do to me?"

Tsunade grumbled. "Look, can I just make my dramatic speech now?"

Naruto sat down and made himself comfortable. "This is going to take awhile, isn't it?"

The tree remained still. Tsunade sighed irritably. "Just so you know, I'm shrugging right now. I don't know how long this will take, but the more you interrupt me…" she trailed off. Naruto nodded once to show he understood and looked up at the tree expectantly.

Tsunade cleared her throat, but stopped suddenly. "Kyuubi, get the hell out here. I'm not starting without you."

Naruto whined, "Kyuubi! Hurry up! You're making her take longer!"

"I'm glaring at you now, kid."

Silence reigned over the clearing and Tsunade sighed. "Kyuubi, if you're not out here, I'm going have to go through this twice."

Kyuubi fluttered out of hiding, cursing as he shot over to where Naruto was sitting. He nestled himself on Naruto's head.

"Maybe I can smother myself in this stupid hat and not have to be in the rest of the parody…" he mused out loud. Tsunade cleared her throat again and Kyuubi shut up, albeit grudgingly.

"Now, Naruto, listen carefully, okay? I'm about to go into a fancy soliloquy," the Tree said. "Thy slumber these past moons must have been restless, and full of nightmares...As the servants of evil gain strength, a vile climate pervades the land and causes nightmares to those sensitive to it..."

Naruto blinked. Tsunade sighed. "Verily, thou hast felt it..."

Naruto blinked again. "Felt what?"

"I'm rolling my eyes. Verily, thou hast felt the evil spreading around Hyrule. Naruto Uzumaki, the time has come to test thy courage...I have been cursed!"

Naruto and Kyuubi gasped. Well, alright, Naruto gasped. Kyuubi let out what may have been a poorly concealed snigger. In fact, it was so poorly concealed that Tsunade had to pause for a good five minutes as they watched him laugh hysterically.

"Alright…alright…phew, that was good…no, seriously, continue, Deku Tree," Kyuubi wiped the tears from his eyes, still shaking a bit with mirth and holding his stomach in an attempt to contain himself. Offended, Tsunade continued.

"I need you to break the curse with your wisdom and courage, Naruto. Dost thou have courage enough to undertake this task?"

"Yeah, I have the courage, dattebayo!" Naruto cheered confidently, leaping to his feet. "I'll break that curse for you!"

"Don't speak too soon, twerp," Kyuubi warned. Naruto stuck out his tongue.

"I don't go back on my words! That's my way of the ninja!"

Kyuubi looked blankly at him. "You just had to say it, didn't you…?

"AHEM."

The two of them fell silent and stared up at the Deku Tree.

"I wasn't finished," Tsunade said needlessly. "Okay…now I have to get back into it…thanks a lot…" The sound of Tsunade taking deep breaths reverberated off the stone walls. "Okay…into character…good. Okay, I'm starting again."

Naruto and Kyuubi looked blankly at the tree. Tsunade spoke again, "Enter, brave Naruto, and thou too, Kyuubi..." she broke off her speech again to grumble about heartless fairies laughing at her curse before she continued.

"Kyuubi the fairy...thou must aid Naruto...and Naruto, when Kyuubi speaks, listen well to her words of wisdom..."

"HIS! _His_ words of wisdom!" Kyuubi snapped.

"Whatever. Just get going, okay?" Tsunade made an irritated noise.

Everything was still and silent. Tsunade sighed. "Aren't you going to go?"

Naruto gave her a look. "Where?"

There was silence for a few beats before Tsunade realized her mistake. "Oh…right. Sorry, kid, I forgot. You'll have to go in through my mouth."

"Your _mouth_? Ew! No way! I don't know where it's been!" Naruto protested loudly. "Ero-sennin says -"

"_Anything_ Jiraiya says is a _LIE_!" Tsunade barked defensively. "I'm going to _kill_ the pervert next time I see him…kill him DEAD…"

This earned her a weird look from Kyuubi. "Just open your god damn mouth, woman, so we can get this over with!"

Tsunade, rather than speak again, complied. The bark of the tree shifted so that there was a wide entrance. Naruto hesitantly ventured inside.

* * *

Mysterious white text flashed over the screen, declaring the obvious; 'Inside the Deku Tree'. The tree was hollow inside, forming a large cylindrical room quite high up. In the middle of the room was a deep hole covered by thick spider web, and Deku Babas framed the room in a methodically placed way.

"Alright, twerp, let's get straight to the words of wisdom…" Kyuubi said, as usual sounding as if he had several other more thrilling things to do. "Over there is a ladder. You climb it by tilting the analog stick either forwards to go up and back to go down."

Naruto gave him a strange look. "Analog stick?"

"Yes, the analog stick," Kyuubi said. "Now can we get going? I have more wise words for you, and I really don't feel like sticking around all that long."

Naruto went over to the ladder and began to climb. "Hey…Kyuubi…I thought you were supposed to be my fairy for good?"

Kyuubi froze. "Oh, god damn it."

"So you are then?"

"No time for questions, next lesson," he said quickly, flying over to the treasure chest. "Press the 'A' button to open this chest, twerp."

Naruto, although confused by this, obeyed. Kyuubi indicated the map Naruto now held in his hands. "That's a dungeon map. It'll show you your way around this place. If you can find a compass too you'll be able to pinpoint your exact location through the wonders of game devices."

"Right," Naruto tucked the map away. "Where do we go now?"

"The door over there," Kyuubi said, attempting to point it out. Having no hands, he found this difficult, and as a result Naruto looked around for a bit before he realized which door Kyuubi was talking about.

Inside was a stunted, shrub-like creature with mean, glowing eyes and an…interestingly shaped mouth.

"That's a Deku Scrub," Kyuubi informed his charge. "It shoots Deku Nuts out of it's mouth and tries to hit you with them."

"It tries to hit me with its nuts?"

Kyuubi paused. "…Don't say that again. I don't even want to dwell on that sentence. As I was saying, just deflect them with that pathetic wooden scrap of a shield and you should be fine."

"Okay!" Naruto yelled, pulling out his Deku Shield and crouching behind it. The Scrub spat a Deku Nut from it's mouth, which Naruto easily deflected. The Scrub popped up out of the ground and waved it's scrawny arms.

"Wait! Don't kill me! Please!" it begged. Naruto approached it cautiously.

"Yeah? What's in it for me?" he said, poking the Scrub with the tip of his sword. It recoiled. Naruto poked it again.

"Stop it!" it whined. "If you spare me…I can _do_ something for you…"

Naruto blinked. "Uh…"

The Deku Scrub jumped back a bit as Kyuubi got right up in it's face. "Look, buddy, I don't know what kind of sick asshole you work for, but don't go putting us on your level!" he spat. "The kid's annoying and I normally wouldn't give a rat's ass what he does, but I can't have you offering _that_!"

"Okay, okay!" the Scrub shrieked. "Then what if I tell you what I know?"

Kyuubi glowed angrily. "I say we kill it, twerp."

Naruto brightened at the prospect of getting to kill the perverted little Scrub. It hastily said, "Look, if you hold the analog stick forward when you jump from a high place, you'll roll and you won't get hurt!"

"Kyuubi already told me that in chapter one," Naruto shook his head. "I guess I get to kill you."

"ACK!" The Deku Scrub ran for it's life. Kyuubi watched it run with some degree of satisfaction.

"Alright, twerp, let's keep going," he said, guiding his charge to the next room. "You see that platform? If you step on that switch there," he flew over by it to illustrate his point, "those platforms will go up and you can get the item on the other side."

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…" Naruto murmured excitedly, doing as Kyuubi said. He hopped across the platforms and flung the chest open carelessly.

"Hey, check it out, Kyuubi!" he called, holding up his prize as the music played in the background. "It's a slingshot! I've always wanted one of these…" his eyes glazed over and Kyuubi sighed.

"Whatever. Just shoot that ladder down so we can get back to the other side."

Naruto carefully took aim, fired…and missed by a mile. Kyuubi shook his head in disdain.

"And you call yourself a ninja…"

"Hey! Aiming with this thing is different then with kunai or shuriken, okay?" Naruto snapped defensively. "I'll get the hang of this in no time!

Kyuubi made himself comfortable.

* * *

"Hah! I did it! In your FACE, Kyuubi!" Naruto went into a full-blown victory dance in front of the ladder, which was now in perfect climbing position and in leaning against the wall. Kyuubi clapped slowly and sarcastically.

"Congratulations. You used up twenty-three out of thirty Deku Seeds aiming at one target. Way to go."

Naruto glared. "You don't even have hands. How are you clapping?"

Kyuubi faltered. "Uh…good job with the ladder twerp. Let's get a move on."

"But Kyuubi -"

"GET MOVING, WHELP."

* * *

"Alright, you found the compass, learned how to kill Skulltulas -"

"Without wasting more than seven Deku Seeds, dattebayo!"

"Without wasting more than seven Deku Seeds, which we're all _very_ thrilled about," Kyuubi's voice was flat and unimpressed. Luckily, Naruto didn't pick up on his tone of voice. "Let's see…we found that Gold Skulltula and killed it, getting this token in the process…"

Naruto held out said token for the sake of the readers. It looked basically like a flat golden skull, but it was glowing with a blue fire.

"Said token is engulfed by flame that doesn't burn us, and, with this being a Naruto crossover, I'm going to assume it's chakra," Kyuubi said. "Sound good to you?"

"Not really," Naruto frowned. "They were like this even when the game _wasn't_ being parodied. So what's this blue fire stuff?"

"Listen," Kyuubi rounded on the blonde, "I'm trying to recap everything we supposedly just did and tie it in to our original show. _Stop_ questioning things and LISTEN TO MY GODDAMN EXPLANATION."

Naruto glowered and tucked the token away. Kyuubi glared for a minute before turning back to face the screen. However, Naruto couldn't resist asking another question.

"Why do you yell so much?'

Kyuubi exhaled noisily. "I yell because I don't currently have a body to show emotion with. Yelling is the only way I can properly emote. Of course, maybe I wouldn't be such an angry person…uh, kitsune…if the author just gave me a proper body."

Naruto's lower lip quivered. "Aw…Kyuubi, I didn't know you felt that way…really, deep down, you're just sad that you're never treated fairly, just because you're a destructive monster…"

The audience and readers had to wipe the tears welling up in their eyes as Kyuubi wilted pitifully.

"That may be it, Naruto…" Kyuubi said wonderingly. "Maybe all I need is for someone to look beyond my monstrous exterior for the cuddly fox that I really am…"

Naruto opened his arms to hug Kyuubi. Kyuubi ignored him, in favour of glaring at nothing in particular.

"_Or_ it's actually the post office's fault," he said decisively. "YOU HEAR ME? I'M TALKING TO _YOU_, MAIL-BOY!"

The postman appeared randomly, an angry glint in his eye. "You want to take this outside, yah?"

"BRING IT ON, LETTER-STACKER!" Kyuubi lunged, but Naruto restrained the red ball of light by pinching the tips of his wings. Genma and Raidou appeared to pull the postman off screen.

"This isn't over, yah!" the postman screeched. Genma and Raidou exchanged tired, wary looks.

"Tell me again why we're on security detail?" Genma dragged a weak hand across his face, stopping to adjust his toothpick. Raidou merely shook his head and pulled a non-resisting Genma off screen. Naruto stared.

"…What was that about?" he asked, releasing Kyuubi. The fairy dusted himself off with as much dignity as he could muster.

"We had to find some way to break the pity party," Kyuubi shrugged, a hint of malice still in his voice. "The author doesn't _do_ the pity thing. Besides, I'm Kyuubi. Village-destroying kitsune. I'm _way_ too cool for pity."

Naruto snorted. "You're cool…yeah, right. My fan base is way bigger than yours."

"It's mostly because of me that you have a fan base at all," he pointed out. Naruto fell silent and Kyuubi smirked.

"Alright…getting back to what we were doing…I was just finishing my recap of what we just did." Kyuubi looked over the ledge of where they were standing, as did Naruto. They were fairly high up, looking down at the giant hole in the floor covered by web.

"So, you see that web down there covering the hole," Kyuubi stated rather than asked. Naruto nodded anyway. "As we know from experience, fire is the only thing that can get through those webs, but we don't have any fire here. So instead, we're going to use gravity to our advantage."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"If you jump off from here and land in the middle of the web, it should break," Kyuubi drawled. "Then we'll be able to keep moving. Understand, twerp?"

"But…there's so many things that could go wrong with that!" Naruto exclaimed. "What if I miss the middle of the web? I could break something! Not to mention that we don't know what's down there! What if the bottom of the hole is really rocky or something? What if it's really, really far down? I could be killed, dattebayo!"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take," Kyuubi said solemnly. "Now jump."

"No way!" Naruto protested, folding his arms defiantly. "I'm not committing suicide and you can't make me!"

"Oh, that's really mature of you, twerp," Kyuubi snarled. "You sound like such a selfish brat. You won't take a risk to save your caretaker for all these years?"

"Who?"

"The Deku Tree, dumbass."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about the curse…" Naruto trailed off. Kyuubi smacked his forehead.

"So, you won't jump off this tiny cliff to save the one who raised you from birth?" Kyuubi shook his head in disgust. "I'm ashamed to know you."

Naruto shrugged. "Well, technically, the Deku Tree never actually raised me, personally. As we all know, I'm not originally from this story. The casting director just thought I'd be a good second choice."

Kyuubi considered that for a moment. "You know, you actually bring up a good point there," he said thoughtfully. "Of course, you're still forgetting one very important factor that will let me win this argument."

"Yeah?" the blonde scoffed. "And what's that?"

Kyuubi pulled a copy of _Ocarina of Konoha_ out from seemingly nowhere. "To cite the script, '_I'll break that curse for you…I don't go back on my words! That's my way of the ninja!'_" Kyuubi tucked the script away again with a broad grin. "That was this chapter, too. What a poor memory you have…"

Naruto appeared to be going through a great internal struggle. "My way…ninja…curse…" his half-sentence was disjointed and hissed through his teeth. Kyuubi watched his with mild amusement.

"Using unbreakable character traits to manipulate…it's a truly beautiful thing," Kyuubi mused. Naruto continued with his meltdown. Kyuubi, as usual, got impatient quickly. "Are you going to jump or not?"

"I will!" the ninja snapped. "Just give me some time…"

Kyuubi raised an eyebrow. "Since when are you afraid of heights, anyway?"

Naruto flushed. "Well, I think I was kind of afraid of heights starting from episode 128…"

"I recall," said Kyuubi. "You did spend most of that fight being knocked down from high places, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, growing redder, though whether it was from anger or embarrassment was impossible to tell.

"Whatever, it's in the past," Kyuubi said, "…or the future, if you're a reader who hasn't reached that episode yet."

"Right, dattebayo," Naruto nodded. "Anyway, just give me a moment. I'll jump."

"Look, Naruto, you don't have to jump if you don't want to," Kyuubi sighed. Naruto blinked.

"Really? That's…suspiciously kind of you, Kyuubi. Thanks," he gave the fire-coloured fairy a broad grin. He cast a relieved look down at the web. "I really don't have to jump?"

"Sort of," Kyuubi confessed with no trace of guilt as he shoved Naruto forcefully off the edge. The ninja shrieked girlishly as he plummeted, hitting the ground flat on his back with a loud noise. Kyuubi flinched.

"Uh…oops. Sorry, twerp."

"Ow…"

Once Naruto had peeled himself off the ground and climbed arduously back up to the top, he was more determined than ever. Kyuubi lingered behind him, half-heartedly surveying the area and occasionally casting comments at Naruto.

"You're sure you don't want me to…?"

"No."

"What if I aim this time?"

"_No_."

The kitsune clicked his tongue. "You know you won't jump if I don't push you…" he said in a flat, emotionless singsong…if that is at all possible.

"No way, Kyuubi! One more might kill me!" Naruto cast a fearful glance back at the fairy, who was floating back and forth, waiting not-so-patiently for the blonde ninja to suck it up and jump, already.

"Fine," Kyuubi sighed. "Then let me give you some advice." He flew in front of his face, but slightly farther out. "Only…you may want to come closer for this, because I'm only going to say this once."

Naruto, cautiously watching the edge, inched his way over to Kyuubi.

"Naruto, what I need to tell you is…" Kyuubi began solemnly and dropped his voice to a whisper. Naruto leaned in to hear him better.

"…Gravity only works one way."

"Huh?" Kyuubi yanked Naruto forward and watched him fall again. Luckily, this time Naruto fell in exactly the right place, and the web stretched impossibly before breaking. Kyuubi listened to his charge yell all the way down until he was cut off by a distant-sounding 'splash'.

"If the twerp is really this stupid, I don't see how he's going to last seven more dungeons…" Kyuubi muttered, fluttering down the hole to find the helpless ninja.


	3. The Silent Treatment and Monologues

Disclaimer: I have a confession to make…I don't own Zelda or Naruto.

Readers: We know, idiot!

LON: …Oh. Just one more thing! Thank you SO much to my first reviewer! You signed it anonymous, but if you're out there, thank you SO much! You made my day! (Beams happily) My first story review!

Readers: Yeah, yeah. Just get to the story.

* * *

Naruto dragged himself over the edge of the platform, shaking his head free of the water droplets clinging to his blonde hair. He glared angrily at Kyuubi, who shrugged carelessly.

"Well, you're in the next part of the dungeon, aren't you?" Kyuubi asked rhetorically as Naruto wrung out his hat. "You can thank me later."

Naruto chose not to dignify that with a response as he looked around. "Two more Gold Skulltulas…" he observed. "The one on the wall looks easy enough to get, but the one of those bars might be harder. I can't jump that high."

"You're a ninja and you can't jump that high?" Kyuubi repeated sardonically. Naruto ignored him again, and realization dawned on the fire-coloured fairy. "Oh, I get it. Silent treatment, huh? This could make for a nice change…"

Naruto took out his slingshot and killed the first Skulltula in a couple of hits. Kyuubi whistled casually as he floated around the room, exploring the platforms.

"Hey, twerp," he called from the tallest platform, "just so you know, there's – HEY!" a seed went whizzing by his head. "If you had better aim, I would've said that was aimed for me!"

Naruto said nothing, hopping over to the next platform and stepping on a switch. The torch in the corner covered by web lit suddenly, burning the web and making it accessible. Behind it was a tiny wooden chest. Naruto kicked it open and grabbed the heart inside.

"That's a bit morbid, keeping a heart inside a chest," Kyuubi commented. Once again, he was ignored. Naruto pulled a Deku stick from his pouch, lit the top aflame, and brought it over to the platform on the other side of the room to burn the web blocking the door. Kyuubi, rather grudgingly, was impressed.

"Maybe he's not completely clueless," he murmured to himself ponderingly, before shaking his head of the thought with a little laugh. That would be the day. He followed Naruto through the door.

A familiar-looking shrub was in the middle of the next room. Naruto froze. 'Oh, no…'

Automatically, Naruto pulled out his shield and deflected the large nut the Scrub spat at him. The second it touched the Deku Scrub, he leapt up eagerly.

"Oh, no, please don't hurt me!" it wailed. "Please, if you don't…I'm sure we can find a way to make it benefit you…"

Naruto wrinkled his nose and disgust. The Deku Scrub sighed. "Worth a shot, I suppose…"

Kyuubi rolled his eyes and shook his head at the Scrub, nearly ashamed on it's behalf. "Look, are you going to be of use to us, or will we have to kill you?"

"Us?" Naruto muttered under his breath. The Deku Scrub looked at the two knowingly.

"Ah, I see…lover's spat?"

"WHAT?" both screeched in unison. Naruto gagged and Kyuubi grabbed the Scrub by it's leafy head, eyes narrowed dangerously.

"A fairy/human relationship would not work, understand, you sick freak?" Kyuubi spat. "He's practically like my son, or something! I'm like a babysitter, understand?"(1) To Naruto, he called, "There's nothing he can tell us to make up for that. Kill it."

"Wait! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" it sobbed in a panic. "It's not my fault! I'm a Link/Navi shipper! Please don't harm me!"

Kyuubi growled and released the Scrub. It hastened to say, "Okay, I'll tell you a really good secret! My brothers up ahead -"

"Damn, there are more of you?" Naruto said, still reeling from the revulsion of being hit on by a shrub and accused of having a relationship with his fairy.

"Yes, there are more," the Scrub answered. "They won't die, either, unless you kill them in this number; two, three, one. Twenty-three is number one!" he chuckled nervously. "So…um, bye!" It scurried off. Naruto turned towards the barred door, frustration written evidently on his face.

"Look up, twerp," Kyuubi said lazily. Unwillingly, Naruto lifted his gaze above the door and yelped. An unblinking eye set in a diamond shape stared down at him.

"The door will open when you close the eye. Try hitting it with a Deku seed," Kyuubi advised.

"Shut up," Naruto growled, before remembering he wasn't speaking to the fairy. Kyuubi's smirk grew as Naruto drew pulled out his slingshot anyway and began firing shots with it.

The eye shut quickly when a seed hit it straight in the pupil and the bars on the door flew upwards. The unwilling partners went into the next room, one smirking in a bored manner and the other point-blank refusing to even look at the other.

It should be fairly obvious which was which.

The next room made Naruto uneasy simply by looking at it. A long spiked pole rotated ominously in the middle of the room, and a scant few inches under it was a large moving platform.

'It doesn't look too hard…maybe I can dodge the pole when I come to it,' the blonde tried to convince himself. Kyuubi cleared his throat and began talking in a dull monotone.

"If you press and hold the 'A' button while in the water, you can dive. There's probably something important down there," he said. Naruto scowled but followed his advice, hopping into the water.

Bright blue eyes spotted the switch in no time and Naruto dived down to hit it. The water level dropped considerably and Naruto blinked in surprise. _'Okay…now what?'_

As the platform passed, Naruto frantically grabbed for it to pull himself up, but found it was too high to reach. He swore under his breath as the water level went back up.

"The platform moves back and forth, so if you can make it back in time, you can jump onto it from there," Kyuubi observed from the other side. "Hurry up, will you? I can't open doors on my own, twerp. I don't have a controller."

Naruto shrugged off the oddities of what Kyuubi said and dived back down to the switch again. He hurriedly swam back to the entrance just in time for the platform to leave to the other side.

_'Damn it…'_

Kyuubi mock-cheered from the other side. "Nice going, twerp. I think you lost your sense of timing back in the first chapter when you got hit by that boulder."

* * *

Kyuubi watched the soaking-wet Naruto with little interest, taking out a tiny, fairy-sized pair of scissors.

"You're lucky this game doesn't keep score of the play time," he said, trimming the blonde's hair back to its original length. "Really, that was just embarrassing back there."

Naruto glared but still refused to speak. Instead he got started on shaving off his stubble.

"For Din's sake, how long are you going keep this silent thing up?" Kyuubi asked, backing off a bit to look at Naruto's hair critically. "It's still a bit longer than it was, but that's a good thing, trust me. I also gave some substance to it, you know, so there's more of a style about it than just a blonde mop. Really, your hair is wonders to work with."

Naruto gave Kyuubi a strange look. The kitsune cleared his throat noisily and gestured towards the door. Naruto got up, still looking perturbed, and opened the door.

The next room was circular, with a web closing off a nook on the left side and a path, as well as another on the opposite side. A conveniently lit torch stood off to the side. It was an overall average looking room, with one or two things Kyuubi felt necessary to point out in the most mocking way possible.

"Well, gee, what a perfectly innocent looking giant circle in the middle of the room," Kyuubi said, sarcasm oozing from his words. "It doesn't look suspicious at all. Oh, and that well-concealed Deku Baba doesn't arouse any suspicion whatsoever."

Naruto scowled as he wiped the sarcasm off his clothes. 'Damn fairy…making sarcasm drip everywhere…that'll probably stain…'

After lighting on fire what needed to be lit on fire and killing what needed to be killed, Naruto took a cautious step into the darker coloured patch of ground. Instantly, dull sounds were made from all directions as three rather ugly spiders dropped from the ceiling. Both Kyuubi and Naruto recoiled.

Their heads and bodies were completely disproportionate, with one large eye taking up most of their faces. Their spindly legs were covered in thick fur, and they moved in disjointed, creepy patterns. The spider nearest to Naruto lunged at him, it's eye turning crimson.

"AGH!" Naruto jumped backwards, flinging his sword into it's face. The metal simply bounced off with a clang!

"Kyuubi! Help! What do I do?" Naruto wailed, running in circles around the room with three spiders on his tail, finally forgetting the silent treatment he had been pulling on his fairy. Kyuubi looked up from filing his nails.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"Kyuubi!" Naruto gaped in disbelief. Unfortunately, this gave the spiders the perfect opportunity to attack. Luckily, however, they chose to stop and stare at something shiny on the wall. Convenient, isn't it?

"I thought I heard something…must have been a breeze passing through," Kyuubi shrugged and went back to filing his claws. Holding out a hand critically, he squinted in distaste. "Why do I do this? This can't be good for my claws…"

Naruto sighed. He'd have to be the bigger person here…especially considering Kyuubi's current size. "Kyuubi, I'm sorry for being mad at you and not talking to you."

"Oh, that's not it," Kyuubi said brightly. "I liked the no talking part. I'm just waiting for you to thank me."

"For what?" he cried angrily. The spiders jumped slightly at the volume of his voice, but then easily went back to staring in fascination.

"I helped you get down here, remember?" Kyuubi said, speaking slowly as if speaking to a very forgetful child. Incidentally, he was, but Naruto wasn't about to let him know that.

"Thank you for pushing me off the cliff," Naruto ground out. Kyuubi out away his nail file and quickly assessed the situation.

"My advice would be to tip them on their backs," he said finally. Naruto raised a skeptical eyebrow. Kyuubi nodded decisively. "Do it, twerp!"

With a shrug, Naruto tipped the still-distracted spiders on their backs. They flailed their thin, hairy legs in the air helplessly and Kyuubi sniggered.

"Done. Now what do I do with them?" Naruto asked. Kyuubi recovered from his giggles and shrugged.

"Oh, I don't know. I was busy being entertained. Want popcorn?" He held out a bag that happened to randomly appear in his hand.

"Are you telling me I did that for the sole purpose of your enjoyment?" Naruto said slowly. "Is that what you're saying, Kyuubi?"

Kyuubi faltered. "Uh, yeah, duh."

"But they're getting back up," Naruto observed. As he said, the spiders were flipping themselves upright, and they didn't look overly happy.

"Alright, twerp…try stunning them when their eyes turn red with a Deku seed a couple of times each. I'm thinking twice ought to do the trick," Kyuubi thought fast. Naruto got out his slingshot and hesitated.

"Kyuubi, my aim sucks with this thing! How am I supposed to kill them when they're lunging at me?" he dodged two of the spiders. Kyuubi sighed.

"Alright, I've been putting this off, but I'll help you out with a little something called 'Z-targeting'," he said. "Remember earlier in the chapter when you nearly hit me with that seed…? Those seeds auto-target me when I glow. So if I fly around the spider's eye, the seed will hit it…mostly."

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Well, that's useful. You were putting off telling me because…?"

Kyuubi shrugged. "Less work I have to do, the happier I am."

Naruto had restrain himself from actually hitting Kyuubi purposely. Using the Z-targeting system and Kyuubi's advice on how to kill them, the spiders were dead within minutes. Naruto's frustration with the fox evaporated, but he was still perplexed.

"What's wrong now, brat?"

Naruto asked completely innocently, "How come you knew exactly how to kill those spiders?"

Kyuubi looked shifty eyed. "You question my vast knowledge?" he snapped, tucking something out of view.

"Well, I guess not…" Naruto said slowly. Kyuubi pushed Naruto forwards towards the hole to the next room.

"Then keep going, twerp," he said impatiently, inwardly sighing in relief…

* * *

"Hey, we're back in the room we started in," Naruto observed. Kyuubi nodded in agreement.

"We're on the other side, though. Push that block over there into the water before you do anything else," Kyuubi instructed. Naruto obeyed, then went about exploring the small but new space.

"Alright, I was up here earlier, and there are -" Kyuubi cut himself off to watch Naruto go flying off the edge. "Aren't you glad I told you to push the block first?"

Naruto grumbled and climbed back up. "Thanks for the warning about the Deku Babas," he said grumpily. Kyuubi shrugged mock-helplessly.

"I tried to warn you," he said in singsong. Naruto killed the Babas easily, still grumbling.

"Alright, I can actually see the bottom of this web," Kyuubi said, looking down through the web at the pit in the floor, "so you don't need to act like a pansy about this one. Light a Deku stick on fire with the torch over there," he nodded his head in the direction of the torch, "and roll across the web with it in your hand."

"Why don't I just stick the Deku stick in the web and let it burn?" he asked, lighting the top of the stick on fire. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Don't question game logistics. Just do what I tell you like a good boy."

Naruto snorted and rolled over the web. It burned quickly and Naruto fell through, Kyuubi trailing behind humming the 'Inside the Deku Tree' background music.

"Hey," Naruto popped his head out from under the water and pointed towards the land. "Aren't those…Deku Scrubs?" he gulped nervously. Kyuubi spat in disgust on his charge's hat.

"Yeah," he said. "Three of them…this is probably the place that Scrub back there mentioned. You know, the two-three-one thing."

"Right," Naruto got out of the water and brought out his shield. Kyuubi pat the boy on the back encouragingly.

"Okay, twerp," he said in his most winning voice, "stick close to the enemy, but stay a good distance away…especially from these things. Kill them like you would any other Scrub…or any other enemy, or whatever you want to look at them as."

"Prostitutes," Naruto said solemnly. Kyuubi looked surprised.

"Do you regularly kill prostitutes? …Never mind, actually," he said hastily as Naruto opened his mouth. "What you do in your spare time is none of my business, and vice versa. Just…go get 'em."

Naruto moved closer to the middle one, keeping far away from the other two. He bounced a Deku nut back at it. When the nut struck the Scrub, he turned blue and leaned back, puffing out small clouds of smoke. Naruto took a tentative sniff before jumping back. "Is that…?" he began incredulously, but Kyuubi shoved him towards the next Scrub.

The next Scrub acted like the first, but the last one acted in the usual manner, hopping about anxiously. Naruto held the creature at sword tip.

"Please don't hurt me!" The Scrub began, a note of suggestiveness in it's squeaky voice. Naruto looked disgusted.

"Don't you start," he said. "You Scrubs are horrible, you know that?"

"Honestly," Kyuubi shook his head. "I mean, aren't you…things…plants?"

"Yes," the Scrub answered. Kyuubi brought out a suspicious-looking bag and tipped out the contents. Several half-smoked, curled leaves fell out. "That's not mine," the Scrub insisted shiftily. "I'm just…I'm holding it for a friend. One of the Skulltulas upstairs. You may have seen him…"

"Don't give me that," Kyuubi spat. "Come on, Naruto. The boss is through that door."

"Yeah," Naruto said, moving the sword's tip away from the Scrub's face. "I wonder what the boss will think when we tell 'em these guys were smoking on duty…"

"No! Please, don't tell Queen Gohma that!" The Deku Scrub pleaded, subtly tucking the leaves into it's leaves for safekeeping. "I'll tell you anything you want to know!"

"Yeah?" Naruto said with interest. "Then does this Queen have any weaknesses I can exploit?"

"Oh, you bet!" The Scrub replied enthusiastically. "Queen Gohma has a weakness for custom-knit sweaters, and is particularly fond of her son/subordinate Jeremy…"

"The twerp meant any weaknesses he could exploit in battle," Kyuubi interjected. The Scrub blinked.

"Oh. In that case, hit her in the eye when it turns red with a Deku seed," it shrugged. "That'll stun her and you'll be able to get a couple of hits in."

"Thanks, dattebayo!" Naruto grinned widely. Kyuubi pulled out a copy of Ocarina of Konoha.

"Two thousand, seven hundred and eighty one," Kyuubi noted. Naruto looked up at the fairy confusedly.

"Two thousand, seven hundred and eighty one what?"

"Words," Kyuubi answered. "That's how many words there were in this chapter before you said 'dattebayo'. Two thousand, seven hundred and eighty one."

Naruto scowled and open the door to Queen Gohma's chamber.

The room was dark, cavernous and gloomy, with a thin layer of greenish mist floating around the blonde ninja's ankles. The dull glow in the room seemed to come from Kyuubi alone when suddenly the room fell pitch black.

"Don't look up, twerp," Kyuubi warned, but Naruto did anyway. The camera suddenly zoomed in and fixed on a brightly glowing, red eye. Naruto shrieked as something landed on the ground with a loud thud and the words 'Giant Parasitic Arachnid: Gohma' appeared at the bottom of the screen. The dull light came back and Naruto blinked in surprise.

"What the -? Aren't you one of the Sound Five?" Naruto yelled, pointing at the six-armed spider man. The Sound ninja smirked evilly.

"My name's Kidoumaru, kid," he said. "I fought your friend back in episode 115 to 117."

"Oh, right, I remember now," Naruto said. "You fought Neji and lost. So of course you'll lose to me, because I'm WAY stronger than Neji is!"

Instantly, Neji fans all over the world yelled loud sounds of protest. Naruto covered his ears and yelled back, "Hey, I beat him in the Chuunin exam, didn't I? Neji doesn't even have a show named after him!"

Kidoumaru scowled. "Yeah, I lost to that piece of trash…but I'm not going to lose to a kid again! Prepare to die!" he laughed maniacally and jumped up to the ceiling, lowering his head to reveal the eye Naruto and Kyuubi had spotted earlier. Naruto brought out his slingshot.

"Alright, Kyuubi, let's use that Z-Targeting thing again!" he called, but Kyuubi was nowhere to be found. "Kyuubi?"

Kidoumaru laughed from above. "Hah! Go, my arachnid babies!" Three light sounds reverberated off the walls as three of the hideous, disproportioned spiders fell from the ceiling. Naruto yelped.

"YOU spawned those things?" he yelled in disbelief, before turning around and pounding on the door. "Kyuubi! Kyuubi, either help me or LET ME OUT!"

"I'm here, twerp, relax," Kyuubi said, lazily drifting back onscreen. Naruto grabbed him and stared with fearful, bloodshot eyes.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"

"Ease up, twerp," Kyuubi gagged, and Naruto released him from his vice-like grip. Massaging his non-existent fairy throat, he explained, "I got lost in here. It's really dark, after all."

Naruto's eye twitched. "You glow, you idiot."

"Yeah, I came back when I remembered that," Kyuubi replied. "Let's get killing, shall we?"

* * *

"Wow," Naruto panted. "What an amazing battle!"

"That was tense," Kyuubi agreed, mopping sweat from his brow. "I think the author probably wanted to make the first battle really big, so that the readers will want more in the future."

"I can't believe how awesome that was," Naruto smiled. "You remember when the fireworks…?

"Oh, yeah, that was awesome…and when the -"

"Damn, that was cool, too! But I kind of scared when…"

"Ah, so did I my friend, so did I," Kyuubi pat Naruto on the arm. "You had to admit, though, those were some cool effects then, too."

"I'm not disagreeing with you!" Naruto laughed, before sighing. "What a battle…"

"Look, a giant heart is lying where Kidoumaru's corpse was a couple of seconds ago," Kyuubi pointed. Naruto cautiously reached out and grabbed. The 'You found a piece of heart!' music played triumphantly, and Naruto jumped up, rejuvenated.

"Wow! I feel as if my maximum strength has increased!" he said in a cheesy, cliché manner. Kyuubi rolled his eyes, his good spirits quickly falling back into his normal bad-tempered laziness.

"Come on, let's step in the portal so we can get back to the Deku Tree, who will unquestionably give us another dramatic speech."

* * *

"Well done, Naruto..." Tsunade drawled dully as the pair landed in front of the massive tree. "Thou hast verily demonstrated thy courage. Now, I have yet more to tell ye, so shut up and sit down."

"What's got your panties in a bunch?" Kyuubi questioned. The Tree remained still and the fairy sighed. "Care for the play-by-play of what you're doing?"

"I'm showing you a ring on a certain finger," Tsunade aid sweetly. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, you are bitter," he observed dryly. "What's going on now?"

"The damn writers are killing me off this early in the game, that's what," the Godaime snapped irritably. "I'm not overly thrilled, you know?"

"Hold on, what?" Naruto yelled, jumping to his feet. "You mean I did all that just now for nothing?"

"I'm getting to that!" Tsunade screeched. Birds flew up from the Tree's branches and Naruto and Kyuubi sat down hurriedly, wide-eyed.

"Eight birds," Neji observed from the audience. Tenten shushed him.

"Now, listen carefully. A wicked man of the desert cast this dreadful curse upon me..."

* * *

Tsunade's narration continued as the screen showed Orochimaru walking through a random flaming background. The chorus sang 'One-Winged Angel' in the background.

"This evil man ceaselessly uses his vile, sorcerous powers in his search for the Sacred Realm that is connected to Hyrule, for it is in that Sacred Realm that one will find the divine relic, the Triforce, which contains the essence of the gods..." Tsunade rambled.

Orochimaru stopped to look at the screen. "Where the hell is that voice coming from…?" he wondered aloud. With a careless half-shrug, he continued to walk through the fire miraculously unharmed, while the chorus singers shrieked in pain.

* * *

The scene changed to show three golden Goddesses randomly flying about.

"Before time began, before spirits and life existed, three golden goddesses descended upon the chaos that was Hyrule."

"Din, the goddess of power..." The screen showed the golden Goddess shrouded in red.

"Nayru, the goddess of wisdom..." The blue-coloured golden Goddess flew across the screen.

"Farore, the goddess of courage..." The green Goddess stopped in the center of the screen and glowered.

"What, I'm last? Bitch…" she muttered before joining the other two. Tsunade hissed at her before continuing her narration.

"Din, with her strong flaming arms, cultivated the land and created the red earth. Nayru poured her wisdom onto the earth and gave the spirit of law to the world. Farore, with her rich soul, produced all life forms who would uphold the law."

"Well, that's stupid. If you create life forms to uphold the law, they'll just go around breaking the law, won't they?" Kyuubi interrupted. A smack was heard, followed by an "Ow!"

"The three great goddesses, their labors completed, departed for the heavens," Tsunade said tersely, obviously displeased at the interruption, "and golden sacred triangles remained at the point where the goddesses left the world."

The three Goddesses on screen flew off and crashed into each other, forming the Triforce, which looked a triangle made up of three other golden triangles. "Since then, the sacred triangles have become the basis of our world's providence, and the resting place of the triangles has become the Sacred Realm."

* * *

Naruto and Kyuubi blinked into the silence. Tsunade's voice stopped, and the Great Deku Tree was still. Hesitantly, hopefully, Naruto broke the silence. "Is that it? Are you done?"

"…No."

Naruto fell backwards with a loud groan, nearly crushing Kyuubi. The kitsune wriggled free and glared tiredly at the Tree. "Can you keep it then short, please?"

"Too late," Naruto muttered. Thankfully, Tsunade didn't hear him.

"Alright…here's the condensed version of what I was about to say," Tsunade said. "I'm dying, so everything you just did was pretty much pointless. The guy who can blame for that is Ganondorf, and you need to collect the three spiritual stones before he does. I have the first one, so here," she said. The Great Deku Tree didn't move, but a shining golden relic lowered itself from the sky. Naruto instinctively reached out for it.

"It looks like the Konoha symbol with a shiny green rock in the middle of it," Naruto scrutinized it before turning back to the Deku Tree. "What do I do with it?"

"Take it to Princess Zelda at Hyrule Castle," Tsunade instructed. Naruto looked up at the Tree blankly.

"Who's Princess Zelda?" he asked. Tsunade snorted.

"Princess Zelda, kid," she said slowly. "You know, the game's namesake?"

"That's not what a meant," he growled. "I meant, who is playing Zelda in this parody?"

"Oh," Tsunade said, surprised. "Beats the hell out of me. I'm just a dying tree."

"Right," the blonde sighed, tucking the Stone away. "I'll just get going then."

"Wait, I have a few dramatic parting words to say before you go!" Tsunade called and cleared her throat. "The future depends on thee, Naruto. Thou art courageous… and Kyuubi, the fairy... help Naruto to carry out my will... I entreat ye... Kyuubi… Good... bye..." Tsunade made a dramatic gasping noise.

Silence reigned for a few seconds. Naruto nudged Kyuubi. "Don't you have something to say here…?

Kyuubi held up a hand, the other covering his mouth. He shook his head frantically, indicating he didn't trust himself not to burst out laughing if he opened his mouth. As it was, he was already shaking and letting a few giggles escape every few seconds. Naruto sighed.

"Fine, let's get out of here," he said, gazing up at the graying dead tree. "Goodbye… Deku Tree… Old Lady Tsunade…"

A somber silence fell over the forest as Naruto and Kyuubi left the Deku Tree.

* * *

(1): Sorry, Link/Navi shippers! Please don't hate me…I just never understood how that kind of relationship was supposed to work…


	4. Interruptions and Indirections

Disclaimer: I not only OWN Zelda, but I'm a character in it! That's right, LON! My secret identity is Ma_lon_!

Readers: You're not Malon and you don't own it.

LON: Yeah…that's true…I don't own Naruto either.

* * *

Kankuro and his puppet-fairy ambushed Naruto as he exited the path to the Deku Tree. Literally. Naruto cautiously pushed the weapon-wielding puppets away.

"Hey, Naruto!" the Sand ninja called. "What did you do?"

"No need to sound accusatory," Naruto muttered. Kankuro glared worriedly.

"The Great Deku Tree…did he…" he whispered the last word, "die?"

"Yup," Naruto said simply. "By the way, the Deku Tree was a 'she'. It was Old Lady Tsunade."

"I know that," Kankuro rolled his eyes. "Now will you shut up? I'm being dramatic here! This is a high-emotion moment!"

"Actually, no one who played this game really cared when the Deku Tree died," Kyuubi interjected. He had finally gotten control over his giggling. "If anything, they were just bitter that he made them go through the dungeon first, even if it was painfully simple."

Kankuro rolled his eyes, finally deciding to simply ignore to blonde ninja and his fairy. "How could you do a thing like that! It's all your fault!" he pointed in accusation at Naruto, who blinked.

"How is it my fault?" he asked. "I tried to _save_ the old lady."

"I know," Kankuro sighed in exasperation, "but it's my duty as your basically-unimportant-to-the-story rival to blame you for every little thing that goes wrong and completely disregard any of the heroic acts you've done. You'll get that a lot when you're a hero."

"I'm going to be a hero?" Naruto's face lit up excitedly. Kyuubi hit him over the head, muttering darkly about stupid ninjas.

Kankuro began to walk away. "Whatever. I'm leaving for the rest of the game."

"You can't do that," Kyuubi hissed. "You're stuck here until the Forest Temple!"

"Oh, yeah," Kankuro remembered. "See you later, then."

Once Kankuro was out of sight, Naruto looked at Kyuubi questioningly. "What now, dattebayo?"

"You remember what the Deku Tree said," the fairy replied. "The last chapter wasn't all that long ago. We need to leave the forest and find Princess Zelda."

"But I've never left the forest before!" Naruto protested. "I don't know where the exit is!"

His complaints were lost as suddenly the Kokiri puppet-children turned on him with wide, maniacally glinting eyes.

"Leave the forest?" a murmur swept through them as if they were buzzing. The buzz grew louder and louder, as if they were being assaulted by insects.

"Shino, call them off!" Naruto clapped his hands over his ears. Shino, in the audience, looked highly affronted.

"It isn't me," he said in the most insulted voice he could muster. However, it ended up sounding creepily monotonous as usual. On screen, the puppet-children were closing in on Naruto and Kyuubi.

"This is kind of creepy," Kyuubi observed, eyeing the Kokiri warily. "Lucky thing we can fly, huh, twerp?"

"I can't fly," Naruto frowned. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Yeah, shame about that," he said wonderingly. "See you, twerp." He took off only to be grabbed by the wings by an evil looking Naruto.

"You're going down with me, you damn firefly," he growled. The Kokiri moved in closer.

"The Kokiri die if they leave the forest," one of the puppets muttered.

"Are you going to try?" another cocked it's head in question. Naruto laughed nervously.

"Well, I, uh…" he cast a nervous glance at Kyuubi. "Help me!" he whispered frantically, as the Kokiri children began to reach for him.

"I'm thinking, twerp!" the fairy said, rubbing his temples. Suddenly, he yelled, "Oh my god! It's the legendary Shukaku of the Sand! Everyone run for your lives!"

From the direction of Mido's house, he could hear Kankuro yell, "Gaara! Don't you dare let that thing out!" All the puppets suddenly fell limp. Naruto sighed in relief.

"Good thinking," he praised. Kyuubi waved a hand modestly.

The blonde waded through the lifeless puppets, Kyuubi sitting on his hat. "That's the exit over there," he pointed at the hollow log. "Just go right through there and you'll be out."

"Uh, Kyuubi…" Naruto hesitated anxiously. "You don't think what those…puppet-things said was true, do you? You know, that if I leave the forest, I'll…die?"

"Nah," Kyuubi snorted. "If that happened, that would be one hell of a short adventure, which wouldn't make the fans happy. If you need to find comfort in anything, find comfort in this; everything is for the fans."

"Right," Naruto repeated, "all for the fans. Got it, dattebayo."

Naruto began to cross the narrow suspended bridge, whistling the 'Kokiri Forest' theme carelessly.

"Oh…you're leaving…"

"YARGH!" Naruto jumped, sending Kyuubi flying from his position on Naruto's hat. He turned around. "Sakura!"

"Hi, Naruto," the pink-haired girl smiled warmly. Naruto studied her in confusion.

"Uh…what happened to your clothes?" he asked. Sakura looked down at her clothes nervously.

"You don't like it?" she said, playing with the brilliant pink material.

"No, it's not that," Naruto said hurriedly. "It's just…what happened to your old clothes?"

"Oh," she said, her cheeks staining a bright rosy colour. "Well…it's just that, in the game, Saria wore green, but she was all one colour, see? Her hair matched her clothes. So I couldn't decide whether I wanted to wear green or match my hair. What do you think?"

Naruto shrugged, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere but there. "I think you look great in both colours, Sakura," he said, then flinched, waiting to see if he'd said the right thing. Even though she was a ninja with basically no special techniques other than healing jutsus, he knew better than to piss off a bad-tempered woman.

Sakura smiled, but bit her lip. "Oh, great…now I'll never choose…"

"Hey!" a loud, irate voice yelled. "What the hell was that about, knocking me off your hat, huh? You damn twerp!"

Kyuubi whizzed down from above and smacked Naruto angrily before rounding on Sakura. "And _you_! Where the hell did _you_ come from? You weren't there a few seconds ago!"

Sakura's expression grew suspiciously innocent. "Uh…I was here the whole time! You must not have seen me."

Kyuubi's eyes narrowed. "Don't you try to bullsh -"

"Sakura, weren't you trying to say something before?" Naruto cut off the foul-mouthed kitsune. Kyuubi's expression grew comically indignant.

"Don't you interru -"

"Yes! That's right!" Sakura closed her eyes for a moment to get into character. When she re-opened them, they were wide and filled with tears. "I knew…that you would leave the forest one day, Naruto…" she said softly. "Because…you're different from me and my friends…"

Naruto winced visibly. Sakura hastened to continue, "But that's okay, because we'll be friends forever!" she took a few hesitant steps towards the blonde ninja. Locking her teary eyes with his, she said in a heartbreakingly soft voice, "won't we?"

Naruto's blue eyes began to water, as did a few of the readers'. "Naruto, I want to give you this Ocarina," she placed a small wooden Ocarina in his hands, cupping them with her own. "Please take good care of it."

"I will…Sakura…" Naruto choked, held the instrument to his chest. Sakura smiled sadly.

"When you play my Ocarina, I hope you'll think of me…and come back to the forest to visit…" she said. The two stood there for a few moments. Sakura eyed the exit and began motioning towards it. Naruto gave her a strange look. She coughed lightly.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes and tugged on his hair. "Twerp, we have to -"

"Oh, right!" Naruto realized. He waved sadly at the pink-haired girl. "Goodbye… Sakura…"

Sakura stood there, gazing sadly at Naruto's retreating back.

* * *

Triumphant music played as the camera view took a sweeping look around Hyrule Field's gorgeous green rolling hills. White text appeared on the screen declaring 'Hyrule Field'. Naruto and Kyuubi stood just outside Kokiri Forest, Naruto still clutching the Ocarina like a lifeline. Kyuubi sighed, irritated.

"Aren't you going to let go of that Oca -"

"No!" Naruto shook his head. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"Is Sakura really that much of a friend to y -"

"That's not it," Naruto's eyes sparkled, glimmering with happiness and mischief. "Sakura used to play this Ocarina, so every time _I_ play it…" Kyuubi could've sworn he saw little hearts appear in Naruto's pupils, "…it'll be like _we indirectly kissed!_"

Kyuubi blinked. And blinked again. Then he burst out laughing.

"Hey," Naruto frowned, offended. Kyuubi rolled around on the ground, clutching his gut.

"Oh, Din…Oh, Nayru, that's funny…that has…got to be the…most _pathetic_…" this time, Kyuubi was the one who cut himself off. As the kitsune's laughter died down, Kyuubi slowly got back on his feet…or rather, started flying again.

"Come on, you stupid kitsune…" Naruto grumbled, tucking the fairy under his hat. He began walking, trying to ignore the fairy rolling around on his head laughing.

"HELLO, NARUTO!"

Naruto yelped and Kyuubi flew out from underneath the hat. An abnormally large owl waved his wings at the pair like arms. "YOSH! I have gotten Naruto's attention!" The owl attempted to give the screen a thumbs-up and smile, but only succeeded in looking even scarier. Naruto hesitated, frightened.

"…Fuzzy eyebrows?" he called tentatively. The owl grinned…sort of.

"Yes! It is I, the Handsome Green Beast of Konoha!" Rock Lee yelled from his perch. "YOSH! I shall now play out the part given to me, the guiding light of your adventure, Kaepora Gaebora! Please listen attentively!"

Naruto snickered. "I should've known it was him…even as an owl, his eyebrows are huge," he muttered to Kyuubi, who nodded once in agreement.

"It appears the time has come for you to begin your adventure, bravely venturing forth, being fueled by your youth!" Lee crowed. "Do not be discouraged, even in the toughest of times, for your fate will guide you as you courageously press onward with spirit and enthusiasm!"

"Lee! Stick to your script and stop adding things!" someone backstage called. Rock Lee looked stricken.

"YOSH! I shall stick to my script and make Gai-sensei proud!" in an undertone, he added to himself, "If I cannot, I shall fly all the way around Hyrule one thousand times!"

"Can you just get on with it, Fuzzy Eyebrows?" Naruto called from where he was, lounging on the grass. "Keep it short, too. There are too many people in this game with long speeches."

Rock Lee stretched out a wing, as if pointing in the direction of Hyrule Castle. "Go straight this way and you will find the castle! There, you will meet the most beautiful and regal Princess Zelda! If you are lost and don't know which way to go, please refer to the map in the right corner of the screen!" He pointed at said corner. Sure enough, there was a small map in the corner with small markers to indicate Naruto's position.

"If you cannot wait to eagerly venture forth, you can go faster by pressing the 'A' button! This will allow you to roll across a greater amount of space quickly and efficiently! As well -"

"Cut out the instructions, Fuzzy Eyebrows!" Naruto said impatiently. "The author probably isn't going to bother telling the readers _every_ time I roll or something!"

"Yosh! Forgive me for my long speech! We shall meet again in the near future!" Lee began to flap his wings. "Hoot, hoot, ho!"

Lee took off from his perch. Naruto shook his head in disbelief.

Kyuubi looked perturbed. "Somehow, I should've guessed he would be in that ro -"

"Alright, let's get going," Naruto got to his feet. Kyuubi turned purple in rage.

"How long is the damn author going to keep this stupid gag run -"

"Kyuubi, come on," Naruto cut him off. "You can whine about the author later!"

Kyuubi screamed in frustration, trailing behind Naruto as he walked. "This is absolutely insane! One stupid gimmick kept running through most of the chapter for some sick, stupid, insignificant couple of seconds of amusement! It serves no real purpose! All this nagging, trivial, irrelevant uselessness that ultimately serves only to tip me over the brink of insanity! I've had enough! Power-hyped trees, stupid blonde ninjas, meaningless dungeons – I've had it! _I can't take it anymore!_" Kyuubi panted.

"No one interrupted you there," Naruto pointed out. Kyuubi stopped and blinked in realization.

"Hey…hey, you're right!" he said, shocked. "No one cut me off! The gag has finally broken!" he cackled insanely, twirling around midair. Wide blue eyes watched him with a sick fascination.

"He's really lost it," Naruto said, awed. Kyuubi hooted, falling to the grassy ground and rolling pointlessly. Kyuubi continued in this state until he couldn't move from exhaustion. Naruto cautiously poked at the fairy with a twig.

Poke. "Hey…Kyuubi?"

Poke. "What is it, twerp?" Kyuubi's eye began to twitch.

Poke. "Uh…are you okay now?"

Poke. "What do you think, twerp." It was a rhetorical question, but unfortunately Naruto didn't know what rhetorical meant.

Poke. "I think you're still kind of crazy," Naruto observed. "You're getting this tick in your left eye."

Poke. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow. "How can you tell? I'm a glowing ball of light with wings."

Poke. "I read the stage directions."

Poke. "The directions only said my eye twitched. It never said it was my left eye."

Poke. "Lucky guess?"

Poke. "You're going to need a lot more luck than that if you keep poking me with that damn stick."

Naruto wisely backed off. Kyuubi got up off the ground, shaking dirt from his…light.

"Let's keep going," Kyuubi said, voice perfectly, almost deadly calm. Naruto gulped nervously.

"You're sure you're okay now?" Naruto asked anxiously. Kyuubi turned to him very slowly. Naruto tensed, taking a step back instinctively. Something about the fairy was creeping him out.

"I'm fine, twerp," he said, voice still inscrutably composed. Naruto shivered and started moving back along the path.

* * *

"The sun's going down," Kyuubi observed. Naruto kept walking. Kyuubi gave him a look. "You know, we probably could've been there long ago if you hadn't gotten so hopelessly lost."

Naruto whirled around, pointing angrily at the kitsune. "In my defense, all those trees and shrubs look the same!"

Kyuubi cocked an eyebrow skeptically. "What does that have to do with anything? We weren't using trees or shrubs as landmarks. As I recall, we were walking down a path towards the giant castle."

"Yeah, well, those trees were blocking my view of the horizon!" he said fiercely. "It was impossible to see the castle!"

"You were walking down a fairly straightforward path and there weren't any trees," Kyuubi scoffed. "Face it, you suck with directions."

Naruto scowled and muttered darkly under his breath, his frown practically a pout. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled as the sun went down and the moon began to rise.

"Hey…twerp," Kyuubi said casually, "you said you've never been out of the forest, right?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, looking at the map perplexed.

"In that case, there's something you should know…" Kyuubi hesitated. "You see, twerp, sometimes there are certain…creatures that come out at night, see?"

"Like what?" the blonde asked distractedly.

"Like those, for instance," he pointed at the slowly. "Stalchildren."

Naruto looked up and turned as white as a sheet. " W-W-Where did they come from!"

Kyuubi groaned. "Well, I didn't want to be the one to tell you this…you see, when a man, a woman, and a dark sorcerer all love each other very much…"

"_Kyuubi!_ How do I _kill_ them?" the ninja shrieked, huddling behind his shield. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Just stab 'em to death, twerp," he said obviously. "Duh."

"That's it?" he said suspiciously. "There's no trick to it?"

"Nope," Kyuubi grinned. "Just poke them to death with sharp steel and they tend to go down pretty fast."

Naruto hesitantly did as Kyuubi said, and just as the fairy had said they would, they fell apart into a pile of bones easily.

"Alright! That was easy!" he said arrogantly. "What's the point of having such a weak enemy?"

"Maybe because you can't take a step without more of them springing up," Kyuubi observed, pointing at the approaching Stalchildren. Naruto yelped and ran as fast as he could towards Hyrule Castle.

* * *

"Did we lose them?" Naruto panted. Kyuubi looked around.

"Provided you don't move anymore, yeah, they're gone," Kyuubi said, laziness creeping into his voice as he settled down in Naruto's hat. "By the way, I'm not sure whether or not you've noticed, but we're directly outside Hyrule Castle."

"Hmm… maybe if I make a dash for it, we can get inside the town before the Stalkids pop up," Naruto tried to risk a glance at Kyuubi, but found it was impossible with him on his head.

"They're called Stalchildren, you dumb ass. And you never know until you try, kid," Kyuubi said, closing his eyes. "Wake me up when we get in, okay whelp?"

Naruto carefully got to his feet, careful to not actually move their position. He breathed deep and bolted towards the drawbridge.

And ran straight into the moat. He popped up, soaking wet. Although, conveniently enough, his head was still dry, because the author had already been mean to the fairy.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, twerp," Kyuubi said languidly, eyes still closed. "The drawbridge closes at night. Good luck with those Stalchildren."

"_Kyuubi!_" he hollered, pounding his fists helplessly against the drawbridge, desperately trying to get away from the slowly advancing Stalchildren…


	5. Malicious Goddesses and Ranch Girls

Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own Zelda or Naruto. Although, if I did, changes would be made! Yes…big changes…(begins to cackle)

AND I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far, especially **Master of Anime**, who's reviewed more than once! You guys made me ridiculously happy!

One final, VERY important note I feel I need to add. **This is a parody!** So please don't be surprised at some of the characters.

And yes, I have already chosen each character's role. While I appreciate suggestions, there's no point in suggesting characters anymore – all the roles are taken.

On that note, on with the show!

* * *

When dawn finally broke over Hyrule Field, all was peaceful and silent. The rays of sunlight reached out like the fire Goddess's gentle arms, reaching out to touch the unmoving blades of grass and tall trees. It was serene.

As usual, where this story takes place, it wasn't. A blonde-haired ninja was roughly attempting to seize a fire-red fairy around the neck and shake him, with little success.

"Why didn't you tell me they couldn't go in the water in the first place?" Naruto yelled, trying to catch Kyuubi as he nearly slipped from his fingers – again. Kyuubi shrugged.

"I figured you were smart enough to figure it out on your own," he protested. "It's your own fault if you decided it would be a good idea to get _out_ of the water every time they knocked you into the moat. You'd have thought you'd get the clue when one of them fell in and crumbled…"

"That's not the…that is…shut up!" Naruto's face tinged pink, though whether it was with anger or embarrassment was impossible to tell.

"At least the drawbridge is coming down," Kyuubi observed. Naruto forgot his anger and eagerly watched the drawbridge lower creakily. It fell loudly into place, cuing the morning background music to play and a chicken to crow.

"We're finally going to meet Zelda, we're finally going to meet Zelda…" Naruto sang, grinning. "Who do you think she is?"

Kyuubi sighed. "We've been over this. Zelda is the game's namesake."

"We've been over this," Naruto mimicked. "I meant who's _playing_ Zelda. Everyone's really anxious to find out!"

"By everyone you would mean…?"

"The readers! Duh!" Naruto rolled his eyes. "You're awfully slow today, Kyuubi."

The kitsune narrowed his eyes and began muttering to himself. This time Naruto could have sword he heard something about severed teddy bear heads and glass jars. Disturbed, Naruto looked around.

"So…Hyrule market's a lot smaller than I though it would be," he said. Kyuubi hit him over the head.

"We're just at the entrance, you idiot," he said heatedly. "That's the guardhouse. You can check out what's in there if you want."

Naruto shrugged. "I have nothing better to do, dattebayo," he said, opening the door. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"You have _tons_ of more important things to do," Kyuubi corrected. "You…twerp? Hey, twerp?"

"_Pots_," Naruto said in awe. His eyes grew wide and glittery and Kyuubi could've sworn he saw some drool. He turned towards his guardian fairy, looking imploringly up at him.

"Please, please, _please_ let me smash the pretty pots!" he said, hopping a little. Kyuubi seemed to consider it for a minute.

"Well, okay, but only if the creepy guard who's been watching us this entire time says it's okay," Kyuubi said reasonably. Naruto whooped and did a victory dance, which for the sake of the readers will not be described.

"Hello, Mr. Nice Guard Man," Naruto said childishly once he had finished. "Can I please smash all these pots until there's nothing but sharp rubble to indicate I was ever here?"

"Sure, whatever," he drawled dully. "I am SO bored…just between you and me, I think things would be more interesting if there were more troubles in the world."

"Really? I don't," Naruto grimaced. "I'm the guy who's supposed to go around solving all those problems. The less of them there are, the better."

"Tough break, kid," the guard said. "Anyway, maybe we can be entertained by breaking all these jars, huh?"

"How would that entertain you?" Naruto asked. The guard shifted.

"…No reason at all. In fact, I wouldn't be entertained. Not in the least. You can still smash the pots though."

Naruto cheered and the guard breathed easy again. "That was kind of close, Ebisu," he muttered to himself.

Naruto happily went about smashing the pots when Kyuubi returned.

"Hey," Kyuubi said, "I'm back."

Naruto blinked. "You were gone?"

"Ha, ha, very funny kid," Kyuubi said sarcastically. Naruto shook his head, taking out a copy of _Ocarina of Konoha_.

"No, I really didn't notice," he explained. "Neither did the readers. It wasn't mentioned that you left, see?" he held out the script. Kyuubi scanned it for a second and spat on it, Naruto yelped in disgust and pulled his copy back, wiping the fairy spit on his sleeve with a scowl.

"Well, for both yours and the readers' information," Kyuubi growled, "I left sometime in the middle of your victory dance."

"Oh," Naruto said. "Why?"

"To gouge my eyes out with a spoon, duh," he rolled both of his intact eyes. "However, I decided that would probably hurt, so I gouged someone else's eyes out instead. So, in consequence, if you just met any perverted new characters that I, as your guardian fairy, should be wary of, I missed it completely and therefore will feel free to let you come back to this place whenever you want."

"Yay!" Naruto shouted in approval, going back to smashing open the pots.

* * *

"I can't believe that guard let me keep all the money I found!" Naruto beamed, his arms full of rupees. "I was so happy I did my victory dance again."

"I know," Kyuubi said dryly from his place of Naruto's head. He was rocking back and forth with his hands covering his eyes. "Oh, god, do I know…"

"What should we do next?" Naruto asked, walking into town.

"Wait a second…according to the white text on the screen, we just entered Hyrule Market!" Kyuubi grinned. "Now we can just get directions to the castle, meet the princess, and I can _finally_ be rid of you!"

"Or we could explore, dattebayo!" Naruto said happily. Kyuubi sighed dully.

"Or we could explore," he grumbled. "Does the importance of our mission not affect you at all?"

Naruto shrugged. "Not really. Besides, don't you think this looks like a good place to explore? It's so big!" he held out his arms wide apart to drive his point home.

After a quick walk-around, Naruto decided to rethink his opinion. "Okay…it's this big," he said, holding his hands about half a foot apart. "But there's still a lot to do around here!"

"Hell-O there!" a large woman cooed, tapping him on the shoulder. Naruto began to respond, but the woman shoved a small white dog right into his face.

"Look at my precious little puppy! He's a pedigree – MUCH better breeding than the other mutts around here!" she said imperiously. Naruto backed up, looking at the dog critically.

"What does it do?" he asked, poking the dog's stomach. The dog wriggled and the fat woman pulled him close to her chest.

"Why, he's just mommy's precious little doggy!" she cooed. Naruto snorted rudely.

"He doesn't seem all that special to me," the blonde shrugged. "I've met ninja dogs that can talk, lady. There's nothing special about that dog."

The woman's round, furious face was suddenly an inch away from Naruto's. He yelped and fell backwards.

"_How dare you insult my precious?_" she hissed in an eerily deep, raspy voice. "_Take back what you said about the precious!_"

"I take it back!" he screeched. "I take it back!"

The woman's expression unclouded instantly, and her wide mouth was set in a smile. "Yes, my baby is the finest dog in the entire market!" she fussed over the dog, who looked as if he were trying desperately to free himself.

"Well, duh," Kyuubi observed. "He's the only dog around here."

The woman instantly rounded on the both of them, and Naruto wisely chose that time to flee. He took a few steps and bumped right into a dancing couple. "Ack! Uh, sorry!"

"You are…so handsome," the woman giggled at her lover, "just like the King of Hyrule…"

Naruto blinked, before pointing to himself. "You aren't talking about me, are you? Because lady, we just met, and -"

"She was talking to me," her lover frowned. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief as the man turned back to the woman, sighing dreamily. "And you…you're more beautiful than Princess Zelda…"

"_What?_" the woman shrieked, letting go of the man's hands. "NO ONE is more beautiful than the Princess, got it, buster?"

The man looked bewildered. "I-I…but…"

"Take it back," the woman growled. The man sighed.

"I…take it back?" he said questioningly. The woman beamed again and they went back to twirling pointlessly around the market square. Naruto and Kyuubi watched the odd lovers, exchanging disconcerted glances.

"Hey! Have you two heard the legend of the 'Shadow folk'?" a weak voice said from behind them. The pair turned around to see an old man staring them down. Naruto inched away awkwardly.

"Just say yes, twerp, just say yes…" Kyuubi chorused under his breath.

"No, I haven't heard," Naruto said nervously. The old man got a wicked gleam in his eye, eagerly grabbing Naruto's arm.

"Then allow me to tell you!" he said gleefully. "They are the Sheikah...the shadows of the Hylians. They say they swore allegiance to the King of Hyrule and guarded the Royal Family. But with the long peace, no on has seen a Sheikah around here for a long time…"

"Uh…that's nice," Naruto said awkwardly. The old man rotated his head a bit, making Naruto and Kyuubi flinch visibly.

"However…I heard there is a Sheikah woman living in the castle…" he said slowly. Naruto chuckled, unable to keep the fear from his voice.

"That's…uh, nice…we'll just be going now…"

"For the love of the Goddesses, let us go!" Kyuubi muttered faintly, holding his hands in front of him in prayer. The old man inched away, moving sluggishly. The ninja and the fairy sighed in relief.

"Hey! Don't those two look familiar?" Getting over his scare quickly, Naruto pointed at the two men by the tree, one laughing heartily at the other's expense, it appeared.

"Yeah…they look like the Shodaime and the Nidaime!" Naruto exclaimed. The Nidaime was clutching his stomach, pointing and laughing at the other. When Naruto approached, he grabbed his shoulder for support.

"Ha, ha, ha…can you believe this crazy guy?" he guffawed, pointing at the scowling Shodaime. "He was crazy enough to try to sneak into the castle…ha, ha…to see _Princess Zelda!_ Because of him, the guards tightened up security…"

"Well, that's just great, you jerk!" Naruto yelled at Shodaime before remembering who he was talking to. "Uh…mister Hokage, sir."

"I just wanted to see the Princess!" the Shodaime snapped. Almost to himself, he began muttering, "I avoided the guards…swam through the moat…I was almost there when they caught me!" he whined. "I found a small drain hole I thought I could sneak through, but I got stuck…"

Kyuubi just sighed, his ears pricking. "Hey…twerp, do you hear that? Someone's… singing, I think. Only it's really, really quiet."

"Hey, yeah," Naruto frowned. "I think she's the one doing it," he said, pointing at a girl with brilliant red…cheeks. "Hey! Hinata!"

The girl standing in the middle of the market turned, blushing even harder at the sight of Naruto. "Oh! N-Naruto…h-hello."

"What are you doing here, Hinata?" Naruto inquired. Hinata blushed, nervously twiddling her fingers.

"Well, I, um…I w-was chosen for the p-part of Malon, the r-ranch girl," she stuttered. She opened her mouth to say something else, but Naruto cut her off.

"I thought you would be playing Princess Zelda, actually," he frowned. "You know, princesses are supposed to be all regal and delicate…I was sure you'd be playing her."

"Oh! N-Naruto…thank you," Hinata's entire face lit up bright pink. Naruto grinned at the white-eyed girl. Hinata hesitated.

"So…I guess I should, um, say my l-lines now."

"Go ahead, Hinata!" Naruto grinned. "I'm sure you'll do great!"

"T-thank you, Naruto," she blushed and coughed lightly to clear her throat. "Y-your clothes…they're…different…"

"Well, yeah, Hinata, we're in costume," Naruto cocked his head. Hinata shook her head, blushing harder…if that was even possible.

"N-no…that's my line…"

"Oh," Naruto flushed. "Sorry."

"T-that's alright," Hinata smiled kindly before continuing with her lines. "Y-you're not from around here, are you?"

"Nope," Naruto answered, focusing on a point just behind Hinata. "My name is Naruto, and I'm one of the Kokiri from the forest." The stagehand gave Naruto a thumbs-up and dragged the cue cards off screen.

"Oh…" Hinata gave Naruto a small, encouraging smile. "You're a fairy boy from the forest!"

"Fairy boy?" Naruto repeated, stricken. Kyuubi snorted with laughter, and Hinata blushed with an apologetic look.

"I'm s-sorry, N-Naruto!" she stammered, horrified. "I-It's written in the s-script! I'm r-really s-sorry…"

"No…" Naruto said through a strained smile. "It's okay. Just…keep saying your lines."

Kyuubi snickered in Naruto's ears. "Who'd have thought that's what Hinata really thinks of you…?"

"Shut up," Naruto hissed. Hinata looked stricken and Naruto's eyes went wide. "Not you, Hinata! I was talking to Kyuubi!" he hastened to say, waving his hands in front of his face frantically. Hinata's eyes filled with tears.

"Hinata, I really didn't mean it! I was talking to Kyuubi," Naruto said anxiously, grabbing her hands in his. Hinata's face lit up bright red.

"Honest, Hinata," Naruto muttered. Hinata pulled her hands away, raising one hand to her flaming cheek.

"I-I…m-my name is Malon," she said, smiling shyly. "My dad owns Lon-Lon ranch."

"I'll drop by sometime then!" Naruto grinned. Hinata took a sharp intake of breath, trying to suppress her blush from getting any darker.

"W-well, that would be nice, but…Dad went up to the castle to deliver some milk, and he hasn't come back yet…"

"Well, I'm going up that way anyway," Naruto began, but stopped abruptly when Kyuubi hit him on the back of the head. Narrowing his bright blue eyes, he held up a finger and whirled around.

"What the hell was that for?" he asked angrily. "I was just about to -"

"I _know_ what you were just about to do," Kyuubi hissed back, "and we don't have time. We _have_ to find Princess Zelda, and we _have_ to follow whatever ridiculous order she gives us. We do _not_ have to find Hinata's dad, and since we're probably going to end up with a huge, irritating quest, let's keep what we _have_ to do at a minimum, okay?"

Naruto contemplated his fairy's advice before whirling around to face Hinata again.

"We'll find your father for you! That's a promise!" he said, using Rock Lee's 'good guy' pose. Kyuubi groaned in the background, slamming his head into a nearby wall.

"Why? Why me?" he said, punctuating each word by banging his head against the wall. "Din…Nayru…Farore…they all hate me…they, really, really do…"

"No, it's just me," a voice called from above. Kyuubi looked up, perplexed.

"Farore?"

"Damn right," the golden Goddess laughed triumphantly. "That ought to teach you not to put me last!"

"Yeah? YEAH?" Kyuubi hollered at the sky. "WELL BRING IT ON! I CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU THROW AT ME, YOU OMNIPOTENT BITCH! I'LL SAY YOUR NAMES IN ANY ORDER I DAMN WELL WANT!"

Kyuubi stopped suddenly and looked around. He was receiving odd looks from everyone around him, with the exception of Naruto, who was used to the outbursts by now. Someone coughed in the silence.

"Mommy! Can I have the crazy fairy?" a small child's voice said amidst the crowd. The mother hastily muttered, "No, Timmy. Don't look it in the eyes."

Kyuubi coughed, and Naruto came forward, holding out his arms. "Okay, people, keep moving... Nothing to see here… That's right, move along…"

Hinata looked uncomfortable as she began fiddling with her hands once again. "Um…N-Naruto…I-I, um…thank you. I'd be v-very grateful if you f-found my dad." She bowed, hoping her blush was hidden from view. Naruto grinned.

"Don't worry about it, Hinata!" he said. "I'll see you later!" he turned to Kyuubi, raising an eyebrow. "Are you just going to stand there? We have a lot of things to do! We haven't even met the Princess yet! Come on, come on, come on!"

Kyuubi gaped, mouthing wordlessly. He looked up at the sky again, shaking his head.

"I lied," he said hoarsely. "I can't take what you throw at me. You win. For the love of _you_, you win!" he began openly sobbing, throwing his arms over his head hopelessly.

The crowd was silent once again. Naruto turned towards them again, snarling. "I SAID MOVE IT, FREAKS! WHAT, DON'T YOU HAVE _ANYTHING_ BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH POOR, MISTREATED FAIRIES BREAK DOWN?"

Kyuubi sniffled as Naruto picked him up and tucked him underneath his hat. "There, there," he said consolingly. He felt his hair dampen under his hat.

"I was just a simple kitsune looking for a place to _destroy_," the thick green material muffled Kyuubi's sobs. "I never asked for much. I didn't leave any casualties. Life was always so straightforward until I became a fairy…I feel so vulnerable…"

"It'll all be alright," Naruto soothed, unable to really understand what the fire-coloured orb was saying. "We're going up to the castle now. Everything will be okay once we get to the castle, right?"

"…Right," Kyuubi said sulkily. Naruto beamed at Hinata, waving as he began running down the path to the castle.

"Um…b-bye…Naruto…" Hinata whispered, watching him disappear down the path.


	6. The Pains of Love and War

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own either Zelda or Naruto…thanks for asking. Now I'm depressed.

Thanks to reviewers **sdrowkcab gnikaeps ekil I** (I love your name, by the way) and **Master of Anime**! Sorry I'm singling you guys out, but I love getting your reviews!

Okay, people! Just one more chapter until Zelda's appearance…I'll give you a few hints, in response to some guesses I've been getting:

It's NOT Tenten

It's NOT Temari

It's NOT Ino

Feel free to guess some more! I think Zelda will end up surprising everyone, though…

* * *

Kyuubi peeked out from underneath Naruto's hat, looking uneasy. Well, as uneasy as a fairy with no face can look. "I don't suppose we've reached the castle by now?"

"We just got here, Kyuubi," Naruto sighed.

"NARUTO!"

Naruto started badly, shaking Kyuubi out from his hat. Said hat was held in place only by pixels. "Oh…it's just you, Fuzzy Eyebrows."

The large owl did his utmost to form a half-decent 'good guy' pose. "Yes, it is I, the advisory owl, Kaepora Gaebora! I have come to inform your frantic search for Princess Zelda has nearly drawn to a close!" He pointed at the gates with an outstretched wing. "Just beyond those castle gates, you will find her anxiously laying in wait!"

"She's expecting us?" Naruto said, surprised.

Rock Lee looked sheepish. "Well, no, but saying that the Princess is continuing with her daily activities with no foreknowledge of your arrival just…it doesn't…" he struggled to find the words, found he couldn't, and gave up. "YOSH! I shall just continue with my speech as planned and make Gai-sensei proud!"

"Yes, my pupil! The only thing you can do is continue your speech, fuelled by the fire of your youthful spirit!" Gai crowed loudly from the audience. Nearby audience members covered their ears, wincing.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Hey, hey, hey, don't you two start!" Naruto cut them off. "Say what you need to say and go away."

"Or you could just not bother," Kyuubi suggested helpfully. "It could be beneficial to your health, because I still have my spoon from the last chapter."

"YOSH! I shall keep my speech short!" Lee yelled gleefully. "All the advice I have to give you is to avoid getting captured by the guards, who will attempt to hinder your mission! Please think about which way you are going to go! I have faith in you, Naruto!"

"Yeah, thanks," Naruto said distractedly, staring off into the distance. Rock Lee rotated his head, looking curious. "Naruto?"

"Ignore him," Kyuubi snickered. "In all likelihood, he's spacing out thinking about _Hinata_," he said tauntingly, snapping his fingers in front of the blonde's face.

"Huh?" Naruto's eyes refocused, and he looked at Kyuubi confusedly. "What's going on?"

"Naruto!" Lee said excitedly. "Is it true? Have you and my team mate and rival's cousin, Hinata Hyuuga, cousin to Neji Hyuuga, finally let true love blossom between you two in the spirit of youth?"

"Huh?" Naruto replied intelligently.

"Lee was just finishing his speech," Kyuubi drawled, giving the owl a warning look.

"YOSH! Good luck in your quest, Naruto!" Rock Lee took off, hooting happily. Kyuubi shook his head.

"That is one seriously deranged guy," he said, shaking his head. Naruto frowned and pointed at Gai-sensei in the audience.

"No, _that's_ a seriously deranged Gai," Naruto looked genuinely perplexed. "I know he and Fuzzy Eyebrows look a lot alike, but they're pretty easy to tell apart now, since Fuzzy Eyebrows is an owl."

Kyuubi looked awed. "I can't believe there are actually people that stupid in the world," he said to himself, reaching out a hand. "I want to poke it…but I'm not sure how hygienic that would be…wait! I have a solution!" He took out a blood-coated spoon.

Naruto screamed and Kyuubi put the spoon back, disappointed. "Shame he's still smart enough to recognize an insanely homicidal fairy…" the kitsune sighed.

"Well…I guess we should just try to get in now, right?" Naruto didn't tear his gaze away from the bloodied utensil. Kyuubi shrugged and tucked it away.

"Hey! Mister guard guy!" the blonde waved, putting on is most winning smile. "Can I get through?"

The guard standing in front of the gate scoffed. "Yeah, right. I was watching that little exchange. I'm smart enough to know not to let psychos through."

Kyuubi went for his spoon. "I can make it so that he saw nothing…"

Naruto held up a restraining hand. "Ah," he said wisely, "but doesn't it go against game code to actually observe what the hero is doing until I interact with you?"

The guard contemplated this for a minute before finally saying, "Touché. However, you're forgetting a more vital part of game code – the part that states that we, the non-playable characters, must play out their role perfectly. With the exception of a few characters, this means slowing you down in your quest as much as possible."

Naruto thought on that for a bit, before exhaling loudly. "Touchy."

"You mean, 'touché', twerp," Kyuubi said exasperatedly. Naruto shrugged, his expression uncaring.

"Look, guard, we just need to pop in, see the Princess, and leave," Naruto said. "We won't be causing any trouble."

The guard snorted with laughter. "You want to see Princess Zelda, eh? You probably just heard about her in town and thought you'd like to meet her. Well, go home! Get out of here! The Princess would never grant an audience to the likes of you!"

Kyuubi, at this point, was becoming both offended and impatient, which as anyone would know is not a good combination. "Is that _so?_ Your stuck-up little Princess wouldn't grant an audience to the likes of _us_, the future heroes of Hyrule, huh?"

The guard looked stricken, leaning down to Kyuubi's current level. "How did you know about the heroes…?"

Kyuubi looked smug. "You non-playable characters aren't the only one with a script to exploit."

The guard cleared his throat. "Look, I'm just trying to do my job, okay?" he said, his voice becoming weak. "I'm just trying to get by on the minimum-wage salary I get for this job."

Naruto sneered. "Oh, poor you. You're getting _paid_, dattebayo."

The guard cried softly as Naruto and Kyuubi walked away. The blonde ninja sighed. "Well, now what are we going to do? Pack up and head home?"

Kyuubi seemed to consider Naruto's proposal almost longingly before snapping out of it. "There has to be another way in."

"How do you figure that?" Naruto raised his eyebrows, but he looked hopeful. "What kind of castle has a secret entrance a kid could get into?"

Kyuubi flourished a hand. "This type of castle, twerp. They can make a castle childproof, spy-proof, assassin-proof, stalker-proof, admirer-proof, waterproof, fireproof, rodent-proof, insect-proof, salesman-proof, Jehovah's witness-proof and Girl Guide-proof, but they can't make a castle that's hero-proof, magic-proof or fangirl-proof. In fact, castles tend to be more prone to heroes and magic," Kyuubi stated matter-of-factly.

"What about fangirl-proof?" Naruto inquired. Kyuubi got a dark look on his face.

"There is nowhere that is safe from fangirls," he said solemnly. "Not halfway across the world, not on another world…not even back in time…"

Naruto shuddered involuntarily. Kyuubi clapped a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Relax, twerp," he said soothingly. "I doubt that _you_ have anything to worry about."

"Thanks, Kyuubi," Naruto said, relieved, before frowning angrily. "Hey…"

"I hear singing," Kyuubi said suddenly, fox ears pricked. Rather, he imagined them being pricked up, because in his current fairy form he didn't have ears. He wondered absently how he was hearing the music.

"Hey! It's Hinata!" Naruto pointed and ran over. "Hey, Hinata!"

"O-Oh! Naruto," she greeted, blushing a bit, to no one's surprise. "H-How is your q-quest coming along?"

"Oh, not bad," Naruto said lightly.

"It's at a dead stop," supplied Kyuubi, his voice dry. Naruto smacked him out of the air and chuckled nervously.

"Well…it's not _that_ bad…I mean, it's not as bad as he says," he said, not meeting Hinata's eyes. Hinata looked sad, and Naruto suddenly said with his old confidence, "Don't worry, Hinata! We'll still find your dad, no matter what!"

"Thank y-you," Hinata smiled. "I-I've just b-been so worried…"

"Well, don't be afraid," Naruto said simply. "We're going to find him for you!"

Hinata bowed. "I a-appreciate it. There's r-really nothing I c-can do to help, but p-please take this with y-you." She held out something, turning scarlet when he accepted. The 'You got an item!' music played as Naruto held it up to see.

"It's some kind of…weird egg?" Naruto half-asked, half-observed. Hinata nodded.

"I've b-been incubating this egg v-very c-carefully…please t-take good care of it…" she said. Naruto smiled thankfully.

"Sure, dattebayo! I'll take really good care of it!" he gave her his patented winning smile.

Kyuubi, who had been reeling from the force Naruto had knocked him down with, finally shook it off. "Hey," he drawled in realization. "Check out these vines…"

Naruto looked at him quizzically before turning to Hinata. "He must still be a little loopy from when I hit him…"

"No, you dumb ass," Kyuubi scowled, "you can _climb_ these and get over the top! It's a way into the castle!"

"Alright!" Naruto cheered. "Sorry, Hinata, but I have to go! Thanks for the egg!"

"B-bye, Naruto," Hinata waved meekly. Naruto began climbing the rough vines all the way to the top.

* * *

"What the hell is this thing?" Naruto poked it with the tip of his sword. The object wriggled, which was disturbing considering it was stone, and made a loud ringing noise.

"The time 1:37 pm!" it said cheerfully. "We're here with DJ Truth-master on your 24 hour Shadow Radio! All great music, all last survivors of near-extinct races, all the time! Coming up next is _Inside the Deku Tree_ from the hit album 'My Foliage Has Been Cursed Again' -"

"Turn it off!" Kyuubi hollered, covering his ears. Naruto poked the obelisk again and it fell silent. Kyuubi breathed in relief. "Thank Di – Farore," he corrected himself in mid-word. "I hate that album. All it's songs are just badly-done remakes."

"Hey, Kyuubi!" an angry, feminine voice called from above, a fiery orange bleeding into the sky. "What's the big idea? My name not _good_ enough for you anymore?"

"Din," Kyuubi paled. "I mean…that is, I…you see, Farore -"

"I don't want to hear it!" the fire Goddess snapped. "If you though Farore was bad, you ain't seen _nothing _yet!" the Goddess cackled and the sky returned to normal. Kyuubi curled up into a small, quivering ball. He didn't do anything to the outside observer, seeing as he was already a ball, but we know better.

"Why did there have to be _three_ of them?" he muttered. "At least Nayru's easy to please…never fusses, never gets uptight over every little thing…"

"Kyuubi, let's _go_," Naruto said impatiently. "We don't have time to plead forgiveness to the Goddesses."

"Can I plead later?" Kyuubi asked sardonically. Naruto ignored him, placing him on top of his hat.

* * *

Naruto took a quick glance from side to side. He was hiding behind a tree to avoid being seen by the patrolling guards. The instant they turned their backs, he ran to the mossy stone wall.

"You realize how unnecessary all that hiding and waiting was, considering that they're all the way on the other side of the field," Kyuubi pointed out, drifting behind him and not bothering to cover his presence. Naruto held a finger up to his lips.

"I just don't want to risk being caught…again," Naruto muttered. "Now will you keep it down? If you get us caught, I'm pretending I don't know you."

"Is that supposed to be some form of punishment…?" Kyuubi wondered out loud. Naruto shushed him again, climbing the mossy rock and wading into the moat below.

"Alright, twerp, you see that shallow part coming up ahead? I recommend climbing out there," Kyuubi said, flying above his head as the blonde swam. "You're out of sight for the guards at that point, so you'll be fine."

Naruto sped up, the momentum of him and the water combined pushing him to his destination in a few seconds. He climbed out and faltered. "Hey…look," he said, pointing.

Lounging by a few large crates was, predictably, Shikamaru, peacefully snoring. Naruto and Kyuubi approached him.

"Do you think Shikamaru is playing Hinata's dad?" Naruto asked to kitsune. Kyuubi shrugged to indicate he really didn't care.

"That egg Malon gave you hatched, didn't it?" Kyuubi asked. Naruto nodded. "Take the chicken out."

Naruto obeyed, and the chicken crowed gleefully. Shikamaru woke up with a start.

"Someone woke me up," the lazy genius sighed. "How troublesome."

"Hey, Shikamaru!" Naruto grinned. Shikamaru blinked.

"So loud…" he rubbed his ears. "My name is Shikamaru, but some troublesome people told me to say it was Talon. I'm supposed to own Lon Lon ranch."

"So you are the person I'm looking for!" Naruto said triumphantly. "But what are you doing here, Shikamaru?"

"I came to deliver this milk," Shikamaru said, "but I sat down here to rest and look at the clouds and I fell asleep."

"Well, Hinata was looking for you," Naruto chastised. "You shouldn't leave a girl alone like that!"

"Hinata? Malon?" Shikamaru sighed. "How troublesome…now she'll be upset…I guess I messed up." Shikamaru got to his feet and began to walk away. "I'll see you later, Naruto."

The blonde watched Shikamaru go with a happy look. "I'm glad," he grinned. "Now Hinata can go back to her ranch."

"Yes, we're all very touched by your love for Hinata," Kyuubi said snappishly, bouncing on the crates. "Now would you help me move these?"

"_L-Love!_" Naruto stuttered. Kyuubi laughed.

"Aw, you're even starting to sound like each other."

"I don't l-love Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed, pushing the crate into place. It fell down perfectly into the nook. Naruto got started on the other crate. "We're just friends! I don't even know why you got that idea!"

"You're kidding, right?" Kyuubi stretched out languidly on Naruto's head. "Even the author thinks this chapter is heavy on the hinting, and if that's not saying something I don't know what is."

Naruto only stuttered something incomprehensible, so Kyuubi ignored him in favour of pointing out some more things. "Besides, have you ever seen her _not_ blush around you? I mean, honestly, who's naturally that shy? Not to mention the shippers."

"Shippers?" Naruto finally formed an understandable word. Kyuubi nodded.

"Yeah, shippers. The only thing that brings in more fans than canon pairings are yaoi, and Hinata's definitely a girl, as you should recall from episode 148."

"Episode 148?" Naruto blinked confusedly, finally coherent. "I don't remember…"

"You don't remember the 'beautiful naked girl' you saw bathing?" Kyuubi said incredulously. "Hinata fans marked that episode down in their history books!"

Naruto's expression brightened as he remembered. "Oh yeah! But…what does that that have to do with Hinata?"

Kyuubi gaped at him. "One day, I'm going to have grandchildren," he said slowly, "and they'll ask me… 'Grandpa, what are stupid people?' and for the sake of the world, I'm going to tell them 'They are horrible blonde creatures that need to be put to death.' That's what I'll say…"

Meanwhile, Naruto was pushing the crate into place, pondering. "Hinata was with me during that mission…" he said wonderingly. "Is that what he meant…?" The crate made a _thunk_ to indicate that it could be pushed no further. He crawled on top of it and sprung forwards towards the tunnel in the wall.

"It looks small, but conveniently wide enough for you to get through," Kyuubi observed. "You have to love those castle security loopholes, huh, kid?"

Naruto had spaced out somewhere around the word 'love'. Kyuubi, reading the stage directions, sniggered rudely, going up into his face.

"Hey, twerp, I know you're in love and all, but we can't have you spacing out every two seconds," he snapped his fingers impatiently. Naruto shook his head, startled, accidentally sending the fairy flying.

"Oops. Sorry, Kyuubi," Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I'll just go through the hole now…"

Kyuubi got out of the water, shaking water off his wings. "I miss my body mass…"

"Hah! That was my doing!" Din called out triumphantly, the sky turning scarlet. Kyuubi gave the heavens a look.

"No, it _wasn't_," Kyuubi sneered. "That was the _author's_ doing. I'm still waiting for your so-called 'divine punishment!' Oh, and you said it would be worse than anything Farore could dish out, didn't you?"

"Just wait, you goddamn little…"

"Wait, back up a second!" The sky flashed green and a new voice snapped angrily. "You said you could outdo me?"

"Yeah, I said it," Din retorted defiantly. Farore gasped in fury.

"Well, you can just _bring it on!_ First one to make the fairy cry again wins!" the green Goddess challenged.

"You're on!"

Kyuubi looked up at the sky, a lost expression on his face. "What did I ever do…?" he whimpered. The sky flashed a darker shade of blue.

"Don't worry," Nayru called sweetly. "You'll have my protection."

"Really? When?" Kyuubi asked hopefully. Nayru coughed slightly.

"Once you find the Great Fairy who can grant you Nayru's Love…" the Goddess gave a sheepish laugh.

Kyuubi gave the sky a dirty look. "I knew you had it in for me, too."

* * *

Naruto looked stealthily around the corner. "Two guards, moving in a predictable pattern…" the ninja sighed. "Even if I were still a ninja, this won't be easy."

"Hey, twerp," the kitsune greeted breezily. Naruto looked surprised.

"Kyuubi! You caught up," he said loudly. Kyuubi somehow managed to clap a hand over the blonde's mouth.

"I somehow doubt you want to go through this all again," the fairy hissed. Naruto nodded slowly and Kyuubi released him.

"So what's the situation here?" the fairy crouched behind the hedge, holding out a jar of dark green war paint.

"There are guards patrolling around that large statue in an tedious, slow moving pattern," Naruto reported, smearing the paint under each eye. "Just give me the order and I'll go."

"Alright," Kyuubi nodded, holding up a hand. "I'll go distract them. You wait here until I give you the signal."

"Wait!" Naruto hissed, grabbing the fairy's wrist, by some miracle. "What's the signal?"

"You'll know it when you see it," Kyuubi said, going to leave. Naruto held firmly to his wrist.

"Uh…no, I won't," Naruto frowned. Kyuubi sighed.

"You just killed the drama for my exit," he spat sardonically. "Good going."

"Sorry," Naruto apologized. "But what's the signal going to be?"

"Uh…" Kyuubi thought for a minute. "I'll break down into an insane frenzy of tears."

The sky flashed colours, the Goddesses reacting in astonishment.

"Okay," Naruto agreed. "…Good luck, Kyuubi."

"Thanks for the drama, twerp," Kyuubi nodded his head once and departed. "Hey! Good guarding folk, would you be so kind as to direct me to the nearest nursery?"

The guards stopped in their pattern to stare at the fairy, bewildered. Kyuubi went on, "My wife just gave birth, you see, and she and my child are somewhere around here. Would you be so kind as to point me in that direction?"

The guards exchanged looks, one of the braver ones speaking up. "I think you have the wrong place," he hesitated. "There's no nursery here."

Kyuubi's eyes went wide and absolutely round. "…No nursery here?" he whispered, before throwing his head back and screaming, "WHY? WHY HAVE YOU DECIEVED ME, OH CRUEL GODDESSES?" To the sky, he winked maliciously and broke into very loud tears.

The sky flashed green. "That one counts, that one counts!" Farore screeched. Din scoffed in retort.

"I know it does! And that's a victory to ME!" the Fire Goddess shrieked in rage. The two golden Goddesses began shrieking at each other, Kyuubi continued to sob helplessly, and the guards stood in their places, looking at the cacophony stupidly.

In the background, a blonde ninja in war paint slipped past, unnoticed. Kyuubi smirked, slinking off after him, and the guards simply blinked in confusion.

"Good distraction," Naruto praised. Kyuubi straightened proudly.

"Damn straight."

The two continued a short ways onward, before Kyuubi stopped the blonde. "Check it out, twerp," he said quietly.

Naruto took a few hesitant steps forward, looking around the quaint garden they had just entered.

A small window was on either side of the stone courtyard, and a large patch of flowers was planted in the shape of the legendary Triforce. Kyuubi flew forward a bit, studying the figure at the window. He tugged lightly on Naruto's hat and pointed.

Naruto took a few steps towards the pink-clad figure, looking quizzical and as if trying to place them in his memory. The figure turned around and gasped, as did Naruto.

"P-Princess Zelda?" Naruto stammered.

* * *

Princess Zelda finally makes her appearance! Any guesses as to which character she is…?


	7. I Didn't Audition for This!

Disclaimer: I don't own…most of this chapter, actually. It's practically all dialogue from the game. However, once I own both Naruto and Zelda…yes…one day…

**Attention Readers! Zelda makes her appearance in this chapter!**

That's right, the suspense is finally over! I'd just like to say…her character was chosen for comedic purposes, so I can almost guarantee none of you guessed her identity…although, congratulations to **Darkness Embers**, who actually guessed correctly!

On with the chapter, I say! On, on!

* * *

Naruto stared at the Princess. The Princess stared back, cheeks slowly reddening. Naruto opened his mouth and pointed…

"…BWA HA HAH!" Naruto fell over, laughing hysterically. Kyuubi stared, unnerved.

"Shut up, moron!" Sasuke snapped, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. His black eyes glittered furiously, face an embarrassed and indignant scarlet. Naruto rolled around on the ground, clutching his stomach.

"Oh god…it hurts…" Naruto guffawed, wiping the tears from his eyes. Kyuubi just continued to gape in horror.

"I said _shut up!_" Sasuke roared, his eyes turning bright red as he activated the Sharingan. Naruto quieted down for the sake of his friend, but couldn't help taking the opportunity to take in just what he was _wearing_.

Sasuke was wearing a pale pink dress, with a darker pink pinafore over it. Decorating the pinafore were symbols of the royal family and the Triforce. A delicate tiara adorned his spiky black hair. Naruto involuntarily began shaking with laughter again, letting a giggle escape occasionally. Sasuke's scow grew deeper.

"Uh…" Kyuubi began intelligently. "So…you two, huh?"

"What?" Sasuke said waspishly. Kyuubi backed off a bit, opting to turn to Naruto instead.

"Look, didn't mean to tease you about what's-her-name…Malon," Kyuubi said quickly. "I didn't realize that…you two…were…you know."

"We're not!" Sasuke yelled frantically. "It's not like that at all!" He turned towards the blonde. "Well? Tell him, you idiot!"

"Tell him what?" Naruto's brow furrowed, confused. Sasuke rolled his eyes and explained in a low voice. Naruto's eyes went wide with horror.

"HIM? No way!" he pointed at Sasuke in disgust. "Don't go spreading that around!"

"Afraid your precious Hinata will get the wrong idea?" Sasuke taunted. Naruto blushed and tried to punch the young Uchiha, who dodged it easily despite wearing a dress.

"How did you know Hinata's in this parody?" Naruto yelled. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"I'm kept well informed, unlike you," he sneered. Naruto narrowed his eyes.

"I'm suddenly really glad I brought this along," he grinned evilly, withdrawing something from his kunai pouch. Sasuke shifted into a fighting stance, when –

FLASH. Naruto lowered his camera, smirking. Sasuke's eyes went wide with horror and he made a frantic grab for it.

"I wonder what your little fans will think of this…" Naruto mock-wondered, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Sasuke looked furious.

"Can we do this later?" Kyuubi said exasperatedly. "As much fun as it is babysitting the twerp, I want this done with, now."

Sasuke closed his eyes and counted to ten under his breath, audible only to the kitsune floating nearby. Once he had calmed, Sasuke opened his now-black eyes.

"What the hell is that?" he pointed at Kyuubi, speaking dully. Naruto snatched Kyuubi out of mid-air.

"He's a fairy, dattebayo," he scowled. "Kyuubi's been with me from the beginning, so even the readers know that."

Sasuke raised one eyebrow. "Kyuubi? As in, was-sealed-inside-you-and-caused-the-Yondaime's-death Kyuubi?"

"Duh," Kyuubi snorted. "Do you know any other Kyuubis?"

"Wait a minute!" Naruto leapt back in shock, pointing in terror at the fairy. "_YOU'RE KYUUBI?_"

"I repeat, duh," Kyuubi said. "Wait…you didn't know that?"

"No!"

Kyuubi looked at Sasuke tiredly. "I've been dealing with this since chapter one."

Sasuke looked sympathetic. "I want to pity you…but he's my team mate."

Kyuubi nodded, placing a hand over his heart. "Brothers in suffering, then," he said solemnly. Sasuke nodded his assent.

"Hey, people!" a bloodied-up, familiar Jounin walked on screen. "Can you _please_ just say your Din-damned _lines_?"

"…Raidou?" Sasuke asked hesitantly. "What are you doing here?"

The blast-marked ninja pointed at the badge on his chest. "Game security, remember? I'm out there with the guards," he said, before muttering lowly.

"The word's gotten out…there are at least twenty fangirls out there."

Kyuubi and Sasuke froze in complete and utter terror. Naruto looked around anxiously.

"…Is it safe out there?"

"We can't placate them much longer," Raidou said solemnly. "Genma and I are just barely holding out, and we're already using the guards as meat shields."

Sasuke sighed. "That kills my introduction speech…"

"I have an idea of how to keep them at bay for a while," Kyuubi said slowly. "Naruto, give them your camera."

"What? No!" Naruto cried, holding the camera against his chest protectively. "This is good blackmail material for the rest of my life!"

"Twerp," Kyuubi lowered himself to make eye contact with his charge, "outside these flimsy castle walls are hordes of rampaging fangirls, desperately out for bishounen. In the confusion, there is a possibility an innocent psychopathic fairy and a stupid blonde ninja could be caught in the middle of the fray. If you give up that camera, you won't just be saving their lives. You'll be saving mine. And your own, but I don't put that as high on priority."

Naruto gulped, the grip of his camera weakening. Kyuubi grabbed it and tossed it to Raidou. "Run! Run!" he barked, and the Jounin took off, camera in his rough hands. Naruto yelped indignantly and made to go after it, but was restrained by Sasuke.

"_Let me start my damn speech so I can get the hell out of this dress_," he muttered heatedly. Naruto stopped resisting, looking forlorn. Sasuke smoothed his dress.

"Since I already know you're from the forest, I'll skip asking that part," Sasuke intoned. "Now show me the Din-damned spiritual stone of the forest."

"The what?" Naruto asked distractedly.

"The shiny green rock," Sasuke drawled. Naruto went through his pockets. He looked startled, and searched himself more frenetically. He offered a wan smile, breaking out in a sweat.

"You do _have_ the stone, don't you," Sasuke said slowly. Naruto held up a finger and began dumping out his kunai pouch. Kyuubi's eyes widened in realization as he looked up at the heavens.

"…Farore? Din?" he called tentatively. The sky flashed.

"What do you want? We're busy up here," Farore called. Kyuubi looked suspicious.

"What exactly was the result of your little bet?" he asked cautiously. He could have sworn he _heard_ the malicious grin of the Goddesses.

"We decided it was a tie, so we thought it might be a good idea to redo it," Din answered innocently. Kyuubi nodded grimly.

"So who's doing is this?" he asked, indicating the two arguing ninjas. Naruto was waving around his slingshot with one hand and going through his pouch with the other, and Sasuke visibly had his hackles raised, and was practically spitting in anger.

"Mine," Farore chirped happily. "What do you think? Are you twitching yet? Do you have any tears building up?"

"No," Kyuubi shrugged. "If fact, I can handle this." He stretched out on the flowerbed, yawned loudly, and slid his eyes shut.

"Hey!" Farore shouted indignantly when Kyuubi began to snore. "Can he do that?"

"Of course he can!" Din answered gleefully. "It's not against the rules!"

Farore muttered darkly. "Fine, then! Din-damned kitsune…"

"Hey!"

"Nayru-damned kitsune, then."

"Nayru's a goody-two-shoes. She'd never damn anybody."

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF BAD PARODIES!" Farore screeched. "Forget it! Screw this!"

"Does that mean I win?" Din asked smugly. There was a pause.

"No," Farore decided. "But our little contest is on hold for the rest of this chapter. I'm undoing this…"

A revolving green time warp appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Farore laughed in a power-crazed way. "All shall be sucked in, and this chapter shall be redone!"

* * *

"Run! Run!" Kyuubi yelled, and the Jounin took off, camera in his rough hands. Naruto yelped indignantly and made to go after it, but was restrained by Sasuke.

"_Let me start my damn speech so I can get the hell out of this dress_," he muttered heatedly. Naruto stopped resisting, looking forlorn. Sasuke smoothed his dress.

"Since I already know you're from the forest, I'll skip asking that part," Sasuke intoned. "Now show me the Din-damned spiritual stone of the forest."

Kyuubi blinked. "Whoa…déjà vu…" he held a hand up to his forehead, reeling a bit from the familiarity of situation.

Naruto tucked a hand into his kunai pouch. "Ah! Got it!" he said, pulling out the glorified rock. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"That's the best we could do?" he sneered, studying the Konoha symbol. "This parody's gone straight to the dogs."

"Hey!" Kiba barked from somewhere off screen, incensed. A few angry sounding yaps followed his outburst. On screen, Kyuubi shrugged.

"Actually, this has always been at this level," Kyuubi said, sounding not quite depressed…more resentful, if anything. Kiba growled off screen.

"Does anyone care that this conversation is offending me?" he yelled. Shino looked at him blankly.

"…I care," he said finally, seemingly after mulling it over for quite a long time. Kiba smiled gratefully.

"Thanks, Shino."

Shino nodded, deciding not to tell he cared more for the sake of his eardrums.

"Well, you have the Spiritual Stone, as I thought," Sasuke smirked, looking arrogant. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"You only thought so because it's in the script," he muttered. Sasuke continued.

"I had a dream... In the dream, dark storm clouds were billowing over the land of Hyrule... But suddenly, a ray of light shot out of the forest, parted the clouds and lit up the ground. The light turned into a figure holding a green and shining stone, followed by a fairy... I know this is a prophecy that someone would come from the forest."

"And that someone was me!" Naruto exclaimed, looking quite proud of himself.

"Yes, I thought you _might_ be the one," Sasuke rolled his eyes, stressing the 'might' in his sentence. Naruto frowned. "Forgive me, I was so caught up in my story I forgot to introduce myself. I am Princess Zelda." He spat the last two words as if they tasted bad in his mouth. Naruto snorted.

"No duh," Naruto said condescendingly. Sasuke gnashed his teeth angrily.

"Well, who the hell are you?" he ground out. Naruto puffed out his chest.

"I am Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm going to be Hoka – uh, the Hero of Time!" he gave the screen a cheesy smile. "And this is my guardian fairy, Kyuubi!"

"'Sup," the kitsune greeted lazily. Sasuke stared at them for a second, dumbfounded, before continuing his speech.

"Naruto Uzumaki…it sounds familiar," he said mock-thoughtfully.

"Well, of course it does! I'm pretty well known!" Naruto boasted.

"And he's your team mate, best friend, and rival," Kyuubi supplied. Sasuke began massaging his temple.

"I _know_ that," he said with difficulty, "I'm just following the script. Just so you know, this speech is long and was very hard to memorize. So I'd appreciate it if you _shut the hell up_ and _sit your asses down_."

Naruto looked half-wary, half-sympathetic, and half-tempted to bug Sasuke anyway. He was also unaware that it's physically impossible to have three-halves. He shut his mouth and sat down. Kyuubi had been lying down previously, so he didn't move.

"Okay then," Sasuke exhaled. "I'm going to tell you the secret of the Sacred Realm passed down by the Royal Family of Hyrule, but if you tell anyone, I'll kick your ass from here back to Sand country."

Naruto nodded. Sasuke nodded, and the screen changed.

* * *

"The three goddesses hid the Triforce containing the power of the gods somewhere in Hyrule, the power to grant the wish of the one who holds the Triforce in his hands."

Said three Goddesses were crashing into each other on the screen again, screeching curses as they headed in their collision course. They met in the centre, creating the golden Triforce.

"If someone with a righteous heart makes a wish, it will lead Hyrule to a golden age of prosperity, but if someone with an evil mind has his wish granted, the world will be consumed by evil. That is what has been told..."

"You're talking about me, right?" Naruto interrupted.

"Yes," Sasuke sighed. Naruto cheered.

"Hear that, Kyuubi? I have a righteous heart."

"Really? I figured he was referring to you when he was talking about an evil mind…" Kyuubi sounded genuinely surprised. There was a smacking noise, followed by a whiny "Ow! Damn it! I always end up getting slapped during these cut scenes…"

"So, the ancient Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the Triforce from evil ones," Sasuke said loudly, to be heard over the fairy's grumbling. The scene faded away.

* * *

"In other words, the Temple of Time is the place where you can find the Sacred Realm," Sasuke concluded. "Of course, I could have just said that in the first place, but the writers felt that a long speech and a cut scene was necessary."

Kyuubi snorted angrily. "Well, you know how those writers can be…_malicious_." He glared at the sky through narrowed eyes.

"There's a catch, though," Sasuke said in a bored voice, leaning against the wall. "The entrance is sealed with a giant glorified rock called the Door of Time, which you can only open once you get three Spiritual Stones and the use the Royal Family's treasure."

"Treasure?" Kyuubi's ears perked up considerably. Sasuke pulled something out from behind his back.

"The Ocarina of Time," he said. Kyuubi looked at it longingly.

"Ocarina of Time?" he repeated. "As in the title of the game, Ocarina of Time?"

"Uh, duh," Sasuke drawled. Kyuubi rubbed his hands together.

"That could get you quite a bit of gold…" he murmured.

"Naruto, do you get anything I just said?" Sasuke looked at the blonde, who was staring, focused, at the wall.

"…Uh…" Naruto said intelligently. Sasuke smacked his forehead.

"That's a yes," he decided. "In which case, good. I forgot to tell you... I was spying through this window just now... The other element from my dream...the dark clouds... I believe they symbolize that man in there." He pointed through the window. "Take a look, moron."

Naruto gulped and made his way forward. He peeked through the window and gasped. "That's just scary! That horrible dark-haired man… his sinisterly gleaming eyes that seem to pierce through my body with intent to kill…his insanely homicidal grin that oozes darkness lurking not too far beneath…" he tore his gaze away and shuddered. "I can't bear to keep looking!"

Sasuke walked over and looked through the window. "That's a picture of Mario, dumb ass," he said dully. "The window I was talking about is _that_ window," he pointed. Naruto offered an awkward chuckle, going over to the window.

"Oh, that pale guy? He's not so scary," the blonde scoffed before his eyes nearly popped out of his head. "IS THAT OROCHIMARU?"

"Who else would play the bad guy, moron?" Sasuke walked over. "That is Ganondorf, the leader of the Gerudos. They hail from the desert far to the west."

Orochimaru looked over at the blonde ninja, who was practically glued to the glass window. He looked a bit disturbed and inched away, his eyes flickering between the floor and the angry Naruto.

"Okay, cut it out now," Sasuke said irritably, yanking Naruto's hat. Due to the miracle of pixels, his hat stayed firmly in place and Naruto was pulled backwards. "Did he see you?"

"Uh, kind of, dattebayo" Naruto twiddled his thumbs. Sasuke cuffed the blonde around the head.

"Well, it figures," he muttered. "Whatever. He doesn't know what we're planning…yet."

"Insinuating he'll find out?" Kyuubi asked. Sasuke ignored him.

"Yes, I told my father about the dream," he continued. Naruto frowned.

"I didn't ask anything about your father," he said, bewildered. This earned him another smack on the head, this time accompanied by a roll of Sasuke's black eyes.

"Well, if you actually followed the script, you would've," the Uchiha snapped.

"I never got my script!" Naruto sniffed defensively. Kyuubi's eyes widened insanely and he began foaming at the mouth.

"_Post man_…" he snarled obsessively. Sasuke gave the fairy a look and inched closer to Naruto, intending to push him forward in case the kitsune got violent.

"You get used to it," Naruto said matter-of-factly.

"Whatever," Sasuke muttered. "My father didn't believe my dream was a prophecy, which is his problem. Hell if he thinks I'm going to be the one reading his eulogy."

"Alright…so, what exactly is our plan, then?" Naruto inquired. Sasuke tucked the Ocarina of Time away.

"I'll protect the Ocarina of Time," he said, with a meaningful look at Kyuubi, whose hands were twitching. "You two go out and find the other Spiritual Stones. Normally I'd do it, because I don't think you two can, but the game rules say I'm supposed to dump all my troubles and missions onto you."

"What, is that in the _Princess Guidebook_?" Naruto snickered.

"Yes, actually," Sasuke pulled out a thick purple book with the words 'The Ultimate Princesses' Guide to Being Helpless' in curly golden calligraphy.

"Oh," Naruto blinked. Sasuke put the book aside.

"One more thing. You have to take this letter in case anyone gives you a hard time, but you can only use it once on one specific person," Sasuke held up a piece of pink parchment. Naruto took it and read it aloud.

"To whom it may concern, by order of Sasuke – and then it's crossed out here, and it looks like there was a bit of a struggle – Princess Zelda, let this blonde dumb ass do whatever the hell he wants, unless he's using this as a way to try and get free ramen. Signed, Zelda, Princess of Hyrule and overall kick ass ruler." Naruto pouted. "Saw right through me…" he muttered, tucking the letter into his kunai pouch of infinite holding space.

"My attendant will take you out of the castle to avoid the fangirls," Sasuke said. Naruto looked around.

"What attendant?"

Sasuke ran a hand down his face. "For the love of Nayru…" he muttered darkly and sat down. To Naruto, he indicated he should take a seat. "This is going to take awhile. Get comfortable."

* * *

"Got any threes?"

"Nope. Go fish."

Naruto grabbed a 'card'. Kyuubi turned to Sasuke. "Got any nines?"

Sasuke threw his cards down, scowling. "This is stupid."

Kyuubi raised an eyebrow. "Well, do you?"

Sasuke looked at Kyuubi strangely. "We're playing with _leaves_."

Kyuubi raised the other eyebrow. Sasuke sighed. "No, I don't have any damned nines."

Kyuubi shrugged and grabbed a 'card'. Sasuke looked up and sprung suddenly to his feet, knocking the neat pile of leaves askew.

"Where the hell were you?" he demanded. The silver-haired figure in the archway shrugged.

"I was on my way here when a horde of fangirls stopped me and ripped off my clothes, so I had to go on a quest around the world to get them back."

"Liar!" Sasuke yelled. Naruto turned around, his eyes bugging out of their sockets.

"Kakashi-sensei?" he squeaked. "What the hell are you _wearing_?"

Kakashi was clad in purple shorts and knee-high purple boots, with a silver breastplate just barely covering his torso. His gauntlets were the same purple sheen-like material as the shorts and boots, and he had a silver design done in face paint under his one visible eye.

"Yo," he greeted, not looking up from the orange porn book he had brought with him. "I'm Impa of the Sheikahs. I am responsible for protecting Princess Zelda. Everything is exactly as the Princess foretold."

"What the hell are you _doing_ here?" Naruto demanded. Kakashi finally looked up and grinned through his mask.

"Acting," he replied. Naruto gaped.

"Why the hell are you…you…" he struggled to find the words. Kakashi answered his unfinished question.

"I auditioned for Sheik, and I figured I was a shoo-in," he said, looking back down at his book. "I have the mask and I even have the red eyes. Well, one red eye."

"Why didn't you get it?" Kyuubi asked, stifling a chuckle.

"Showed up late to the auditions," Kakashi answered unabashedly. "Impa's a pretty good second choice, even if she is female. Besides, they said since I already have a motherly bond with the Princess that I'd be good for the part."

"I do _not_ have a motherly bond with you!" Sasuke shouted from the far corner of the courtyard. Kakashi ignored him.

"My role in the Princess's dream was to teach a melody to the one from the forest. This is an ancient melody passed down by the Royal Family. I have played this song for Princess Zelda as a lullaby ever since she was a baby..." he said, not looking up from his book and saying his lines as if reading them off a page.

"You haven't known Sasuke that's long," Naruto frowned. Kakashi shrugged.

"I have for the plot's sake," Kakashi said. "Just play the damn song. It goes like this: left, up, right, left, up, right."

"That doesn't make sense," Naruto cried. Kakashi rolled his…eye.

"Take out your Ocarina and it'll make sense," Kakashi said obviously. Naruto looked at him strangely but complied.

'You learned Zelda's Lullaby!' a dialogue box proclaimed. Kakashi tucked Icha Icha Paradise away.

"If the fangirls catch you, there will be trouble," Kakashi said. "I'll take you out of the castle with one these cool flashy Sheikah things."

"Aren't those just Deku nuts?" Naruto asked. Kakashi looked shifty-eyed…well, as shifty-eyed as he could look with one eye.

"No," he answered evasively, throwing it at the ground. There was a bright flash.

* * *

There you are, readers, the identity of both Zelda AND Impa revealed! Feel free to guess who future characters will be!


	8. The Original Song That Never Ends

Disclaimer: I think we know the drill by now.

Wow! The last chapter got more reviews than my others! Yay! It made me really happy! Thanks to all that reviewed!

No new characters appear in this chapter, and if you're bored we have people standing by to hand out consolation gifts. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

* * *

Naruto blinked, little white dots flashing under his eyelids. Kyuubi groped for the boy's hat, grabbing onto the end like a lifeline, covering his sensitive kitsune eyes with his other hand.

"We're outside the castle," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Can you see yet?"

"Give me a moment, Kakashi-sensei," he said, rubbing his eyes. He blinked hard a couple more times. "Okay, I think I can see…"

"Good," Kakashi said, pointing. His outstretched finger pointed to a huge mountain not too far from where they were, with a thick grey ring of smoke slowly revolving around the top. "Take a good look at that mountain. That is Death Mountain, home of the Gorons. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire."

His finger lowered to a small village that was quite a sorry sight to behold, after taking in the grandness of the mountain. "At the foot of Death Mountain you will find my village, Kakashi-riko. That is where I was born and raised."

"It's called Kakariko," Kyuubi said, looking very much like he wanted to hit something, "and in all likelihood you were born and raised in Konoha."

Kakashi waved a hand. "You take all the fun out of everything," he complained. "In any case, it _should_ be called Kakashi-riko. Now, I know you're probably not even go there right away in favour of visiting that friend of yours in the forest, but you should talk to some of the villagers there."

"Why?" Naruto inquired. Kakashi shrugged.

"Exercises your jaw muscles," he said. "All I have left to say is remember how to play that song I taught you. It has some kind of mysterious power and proves you have a connection to the Royal Family."

"Alright," Naruto said determinedly. Kakashi placed a hand on Naruto's head. The blonde looked up at him from under his hand, confused.

"Good luck, Naruto," Kakashi grinned. "The Princess will be waiting for you to come back with the Spiritual Stones. If you don't get the, then Hyrule is doomed to fall under Ganondorf's rule for all of eternity, so we're kind of counting on you. No pressure."

Naruto paled a bit, but nodded. Kakashi backed up a few steps and withdrew another one of those cool flashy Sheikah things. "You might want to cover your eyes."

The blonde ninja was about to ask why when Kakashi threw the thing at the ground and disappeared with a _crack!_ Naruto fell to the ground, screaming, "My eyes! My eyes BURN!"

Kyuubi helpfully whizzed over to the moat, took a bucket out of nowhere, filled it, and dumped it unceremoniously on his charge. Kyuubi stood…or rather, flew back a bit to see the results.

He now had a soaking wet, screeching would-be hero clutching at his face and rolling on the ground, his wet clothes picking up dirt and grass clippings as he did so. Kyuubi laughed unsympathetically.

"Kyuubi?" Naruto stopped screaming and was now whispering. "Kyuubi, is that you?"

"No," the fairy said. "If you're looking for that devilishly handsome light bulb, he just left for Costa Rica. You're on your own, twerp."

"Kyuubi," Naruto whined. "I think…I think I'm blind, dattebayo!"

"Great!" Kyuubi said in a chipper voice. "This will make one of those great 'overcoming obstacles' motivational speeches."

"Kyuubi, I'm serious! I can't see anything!" Naruto insisted, his voice getting high and panicky. Kyuubi sighed, rolling his eyes, as he lifted Naruto's hat up so it uncovered his eyes.

"I think it clung to your eyes when I tried to save your life with that bucket of water," Kyuubi said thoughtfully. "Since you're stupid and this is pixellated, you couldn't tell it was there."

"…Oh," Naruto said at last, his bright blue eyes refocusing. "I think you're right. I did think that blindness looked awfully green."

"Of course I'm right," Kyuubi sighed. "I like to think of myself as the only person in this parody with an IQ above their shoe size."

"Not that it matters much, considering you don't have feet as a fairy," Naruto said conversationally. Kyuubi froze.

"…Well, my feet were pretty damn big when I was a kitsune," he scowled at last. "Now can we talk about something else, if you don't mind?"

"You're the one that brought it up," Naruto muttered sulkily, but shut up.

"If I recall correctly everything Impa said – which I do – she said we should go to Kakariko village, but she -"

"He."

"Gender's not important, twerp," Kyuubi said impatiently. "She said we'd probably go end up visiting your 'friend in the forest'. If that's not a ten-pound clue, I don't know what is."

"What would a ten-pound clue look like?" Naruto's brow furrowed, and Kyuubi could almost see the cogs turning in his head…or, in Kyuubi's mind, they tried to turn with little success, producing loud screeching noises from the rust covering them.

"Forget it, twerp," the fairy sighed. "Let's just get going."

* * *

"I love those cut-off lines," Kyuubi said, looking up from his spot on the page. "They make things so much more convenient for us. I mean, look; above the line, we're in Hyrule Field. Now we're just outside Kokiri Forest."

"Yeah, but readers don't like them," Naruto pointed out. "It's like they're missing out on something, and it's basically a cop-out for the author when she writes herself into a corner."

"Yeah," Kyuubi admitted, "but all it does is indicate a lapse in time. I mean, really, what do the readers care what happens when we walk from point A to point B?"

"You just like the fact it covers up the fact that you got us lost," Naruto taunted. Kyuubi sniffed haughtily.

"For your information, I led us through the scenic route," Kyuubi replied airily. "I can guarantee you that since we've now explored the entire area, we won't get lost…as often."

Naruto frowned thoughtfully. "Now that I think of it…the author does a lot of this sort of thing."

"What sort of thing?" Kyuubi said, humouring the blonde ninja.

"Well," Naruto said, stroking his chin, "think about for a second. How often do we end up going off on some random tangent of a conversation?"

"Pretty often," Kyuubi raised an eyebrow. "What's your point?"

"Well, isn't it all kind of pointless?" Naruto asked. Kyuubi lifted his head, looking insightful.

"Well, when you look at everything in the long run, isn't everything we do pointless?" he asked rhetorically. "Think about it. We're two anime/manga characters placed in a video game parody to defeat someone who will eventually break out of containment for the sake of a sequel. The cycle will continue, likely with a variation of the original hero, and so on and so forth. If you think of it that way, everything we're doing right now is pretty useless."

The two fell silent for a while.

"…That was deep," Naruto decided finally. "Really deep. Wide, too."

"No, you just have a shallow mind," Kyuubi punctuated his statement by whacking him on the head. "Now can we please get looking for Saria?"

"Oh, right, dattebayo!" Naruto exclaimed. "I forgot what we came here for!"

A large sweat-drop appeared on Kyuubi's head. "Whatever, twerp," he said weakly, resting on his hat. "Just…start walking."

Naruto took a step, but paused. Kyuubi began to massage his temples. "Why'd you stop, twerp?" he asked in a deadly calm voice.

"I don't know…" he shook his head, forgetting Kyuubi was there, forcing the kitsune to cling to the fabric tightly. "I guess I just expected another one of those cut-off lines."

* * *

"What are _you_ doing here?" Kankuro sneered when Naruto entered the huge hollow tree stump that was Mido's house. He was stretched out on an oak futon, being fanned by two of his Kokiri-puppets and being fed unshelled Deku nuts. "I thought you left for good."

"I came back," Naruto answered simply, an unspoken _duh_ left hanging in the air.

"Oh," Kankuro blinked, before shaking his head slightly. "If you're looking for Saria, she's in the Lost Woods, as usual."

"Lost Woods," Naruto repeated, frowning. Kankuro rolled his eyes.

"Don't tell me you don't know where it is!" he gave a long-suffering sigh. "I have to tell these people _everything_…"

"Are you going to bother telling us where the hell the Lost Woods are, or not?" Kyuubi inquired impatiently.

"I'll tell you, I suppose," Kankuro said languidly. "I'm feeling generous today. The entrance is up on the cliff overlooking the village. Not that it matters, because I know you'll get lost in there."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Naruto said sarcastically. Kankuro got up and clapped a hand on the blonde's back.

"Just stating a fact," he grinned. "Don't panic if you do end up getting lost. If you take a wrong turn, you'll end up back at the beginning."

"Hey!" Kyuubi snapped. "Giving the game instructions is MY job!"

"Those weren't instructions, just advice," Kankuro shrugged, practically sauntering back to his futon. "Now get going. You two have been stalling an embarrassingly long time."

* * *

"Game makers are evil," Naruto proclaimed dully, lying outstretched on his back. Kyuubi flitted above him, rubbing his temples with one hand and motioning with the other whilst muttering to himself.

"Then we turned left…and last time we went straight, but that wasn't right…so if my calculations are correct, we should go right…unless we actually went left last time, in which case we should go straight ahead…" he growled in frustration.

"I mean, if the author had just added this bit for a bit of sick amusement, I'd understand," Naruto continued. "Authors do that sort of thing. Game makers are supposed to be completely different though. That's what separates them from the script writers," he said, raising his head to look at Kyuubi, "right?"

"…Unless we didn't go either of those ways, in which case we actually _should_ go right instead of left…"

"Right," Naruto confirmed, dropping his head back down. It landed with a loud cracking noise. "Ow."

"…But if we did go back through the way we came, then straight ahead would be the right, which would lead outside again," Kyuubi murmured, getting more and more tense with each passing moment that he was allowed to talk to himself.

"NARUTO!"

"That's it!" Kyuubi screeched, withdrawing his current weapon of choice – a plastic fork. "Someone's having owl stew tonight!"

"Fuzzy Eyebrows!" Naruto wept in relief, clambering at the owl's tail feathers. "Take me out of here! For the love of Din, get me out!"

"Hello, Naruto! I'm overjoyed to see you so enthusiastic about my arrival!" Rock Lee exclaimed cheerily. "Now, please listen to the lines I have been told to say to you at this point!" To himself, he muttered, "If I cannot irritate Naruto within thirty seconds of beginning my speech, I shall peck one thousand holes into the nearest tree!"

"You're in luck," said Kyuubi, who had overheard. "You're in the Kokiri Forest. Lots of trees to choose from."

"You think I shall fail in my attempt?" Lee blinked his large, round eyes. Kyuubi shrugged.

"I'm just saying, it _is_ the twerp. If he can somehow put up with himself for twenty-four hours a day, I'd be surprised if it took someone other than Sasuke under thirty seconds to get under his skin." Kyuubi sat back, getting comfortable for Lee's imminent speech.

Rock Lee didn't know what to say to Kyuubi's explanation, and therefore ignored it. "YOSH! I shall proceed! Hoot ho!"

"Get on with it," Kyuubi began filing his claws.

"Listen, Naruto! Beyond this point is the Sacred Forest Meadow, a place where very few have ever walked!" Lee explained. "However, if you listen carefully, you can hear a mysterious tune coming from the direction of that sacred place!"

"Listen carefully?" Naruto raised his eyebrows. "It's been playing full-blast ever since I came here."

"It's irritatingly catchy," Kyuubi studied his filed claws critically. "I was just beginning to block it out until you pointed it out, Kaepora Gaebora. Thanks a _lot_ for that."

"I apologize, but I would advise that you listen carefully to it!" Lee hooted. "To find the Sacred Forest Meadow, you must open your ears and follow the sounds from the forest!"

"That has to be the least forest-y sounding noise I've ever heard," Kyuubi countered. "No trees I've ever seen made sounds like that, and the Great Deku Tree made some pretty interesting ones."

Naruto turned green. "Oh, gross! I didn't need to know that about Old Lady Tsunade!"

"Not those kinds of sounds, you pervert," Kyuubi rolled his eyes and went back to filing. Rock Lee hesitated, looking a bit disturbed at the antics of the pair.

"Yosh…I shall wish you luck with your quest to find the beautiful Saria!" he said, not with his usual gusto.

"That's right…you have a little crush on Sakura, don't you?" Naruto remembered. Rock Lee blushed, earning strange looks from the blonde and the kitsune. Who wouldn't look strangely at a blushing owl?

"Y-Yes," Lee answered truthfully. "I greatly admire her strong spirit and youthful beauty…"

Kyuubi could sense another long tangent looming and cut him off. "Then perhaps we can make a little deal, hmm? A trade, if you will," he wrung his hands, grinning from ear to ear…which is especially impressive when your ears are on the top of your head.

"What kind of deal?" Rock Lee asked cautiously. Kyuubi grinned.

"Not anything big," he said innocently. "Drop us off in this Sacred Meadow place, and we'll put in a good word for you with Saria. Sound good to you?"

Kyuubi sat back and watched the struggle with mild interest. While Rock Lee was tempted to accept his proposition, it went against gaming code to actually _help_ Naruto. Finally, his selfish side won out.

"YOSH! I shall fly you over the Lost Woods to the Sacred Forest Meadow!" he said, giving the screen a 'nice guy' pose. "In return, you shall sing my praises to my lovely Saku – uh, Saria!"

"Deal," Kyuubi shook Rock Lee's hand, defying logistics once again, seeing as neither of them had hands.

* * *

"Good luck, Naruto!" Rock Lee called as he flew away. "Ho hoot ho!"

Naruto looked around, feeling uneasy. "Does this place give you a sense of impending doom?"

"Not really, no," Kyuubi answered casually. Naruto gulped.

"Really? Are you sure?" he asked slowly, closing his eyes and breathing deeply to calm himself.

"Why would it give _me_ a sense of impending doom?" Kyuubi snorted. "You're the one I'm currently using as a meat shield."

"What?" Naruto's eyes flew open.

"I said nothing."

Naruto looked at the fairy, frightened, before taking a few unsteady steps towards the barred gate. _Unexpectedly_, an armoured wolf pounced out of nowhere with a deafening howl. Naruto screamed and leapt back.

"Get out your sword, moron!" Kyuubi hollered. "That's a damn Wolfos. Strike it when it's attacking you so it won't just bounce of it's armour."

Naruto yelped as he did a pirouette to avoid the Wolfos' attack. He steadied himself, breathing deeply, before reopening his eyes, determination flashing in their bright blue depths. With his sword drawn he lunged at the wolf-like creature, he shrieked inhumanly as the Wolfos fell.

"That…was easy," he said suspiciously. "Is that it?"

"I never said they were hard to kill," Kyuubi shrugged. "You seem to be under the illusion that all these monsters created out of the void of evil are hard to kill."

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to remember you said that. I'll remember, and I'll throw it right back in your face."

The gates swung open and the pair ventured forward. They froze when there was a familiar spitting noise. Without thinking, Naruto drew out his shield and bounced the Deku nut back.

"Eek! Master, please don't harm me! I'll give you _anything_ you want…" the Scrub flung itself at Naruto.

"How many more of these things are there?" Naruto asked Kyuubi, desperately trying to push the Deku Scrub away. The Scrub looked up and winked with one of its glowing eyes.

"There are _lots_ of us up ahead," it said, lowering it's voice so that it was no longer shrill and piercing…just unbearably squeaky. Naruto looked faint.

"This is a good time for a time lapse…" Naruto turned pleading eyes towards the author, who, being omnipresent, somehow managed to see and take pity.

* * *

Naruto brushed wood shavings off his green sweat suit. "Thank Din, Nayru _and_ Farore," he sighed in relief. "I'm not sure how I managed to turn those freaky wooden prostitutes into wood chips, but I'm sure I did it heroically."

"As if," Kyuubi sneered. "Unlike the readers, I was here for the time lapse. You were running around screeching about rapists and yelling 'No! Go! Tell!' It was pathetic."

Naruto looked down and twiddled his fingers. Kyuubi just shook his head in disgust. "What is No, Go, Tell supposed to mean anyway?"

"No! You can always say no to someone touching you in an unwanted way!" Naruto announced. "Go! Put some distance between you and the offender! Tell! Tell someone about it!"

Kyuubi sighed and said monotonously, "That's right, kids, remember 'No! Go! Tell!' This has been a local service announcement from our sponsors."

"Get our asses over here, you slow idiots!" an irate female voice screeched with great gusto.

"Inner Sakura…" another voice chastised. Naruto perked up and turned.

"Sakura!" he cried, running towards her and came to a dead stop in front of her, eyes wide. "You…changed again."

"What do you think?" Sakura blushed, taking her Ocarina from her lips. The background music halted. "I still couldn't decide between colours, so I tried a compromise."

"Yeah, but tie-dye?" Kyuubi snorted. "That really doesn't work with your complexion. Granted, the pink and green work fairly well together – it matches your hair and eyes – but solid colours or subtle patterns work better on your body and skin type."

The other three stared at the kitsune. Kyuubi looked around shiftily. "What?"

"Anyway, I have a big speech to say, so this could take awhile," Sakura said apologetically. Naruto grinned and sat down.

"Don't worry, Sakura," he held up two fingers, flashing her a peace sign. "I don't mind listening to you."

A light blush tinged Sakura's cheeks and she smiled. "You know, I've been waiting for you, Naruto. This place is called the Sacred Forest Meadow…I feel this place will be very important to both of us one day."

Sakura lifted up her Ocarina a bit, looking at it almost fondly. "If you play the Ocarina here, you can speak to the spirits of the forest. Would you like to play Ocarina with me?"

"Sure," Naruto shrugged, getting out his Ocarina. "But…if this is your Ocarina that you gave me, where'd you get that one from?"

Sakura looked trapped. "Uh…E-bay?"

"Oh," Naruto nodded. "You can get anything on E-bay. I tried buying an Australian accent on that site once…it cost me a hell of a lot, and I still don't have it yet. It's in the mail."

"_Post man_…"

"Try to follow along with the melody I play, okay, Naruto?" Sakura ignored the kitsune completely. Inner Sakura was not so considerate. She flew over to him, poking him with a stick.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" she inquired, poking the fairy as he writhed on the floor, mouth foaming as he twitched spasmodically.

"I'll try," Naruto nodded, bringing his Ocarina to his lips. Sakura did the same, playing six similar notes on the instrument. The clear notes echoed off the reverberate walls. Hesitantly, Naruto copied the tune, slipping up on the last note.

"It's alright," Sakura smiled. "Try again."

Naruto tried again, once again slipping up on the last note.

Sakura's smile was a little more strained this time. "You're really close," she encouraged. Naruto tried again, repeating the first tune he played. Sakura bit her lip tersely. Naruto's brow furrowed and he tried again. This time the last note matched perfectly, but the first few notes didn't. Sakura's eye began to twitch.

* * *

Naruto played the now far-too familiar notes. Sakura lifted her head suddenly from her place lying on the ground.

"Wait, play that again," she said. Naruto complied and she grinned, mostly in relief.

"You finally got it," she sighed happily. "Thank Farore. Now _don't you forget that song_, got it?"

"Of course, Sakura!" he exclaimed, only his words sounded strange through his sore, tired lips. He tried to release the instrument, only to find his hands were practically moulded into position.

"Do you promise?" she pressed. Naruto nodded and she smiled, in good spirits again. "When you want to hear my voice, just play my song," she told the blonde. "You can talk with me anytime…"

Naruto smiled. "Thanks, Sakura."

She smiled. "Well, you should get going. You have a lot of important, heroic things to do."

Naruto motioned to Kyuubi, who abruptly stopped faking sleep and got up, drifting lazily over to Naruto's head and instantly fell into a real sleep, snoring softly atop his hat. Naruto looked over at Sakura, reluctantly taking a few steps away from her. He began to run, looking back over his shoulder until Sakura and her fairy disappeared from view.

* * *

Yay! Another chapter finished! (Does Naruto's victory dance from chapter 5) Next chapter we meet Ingo and the Kakariko gang! Any guesses as to who they are…?


	9. A Bunch of Unimportant New Characters!

Disclaimer: Nope. I still don't own either Zelda or Naruto. Luckily it hasn't made me depressed yet! My comedic spirit lives on! VIVA LA PARODIE!

A shout out to some of my reviewers! Thanks to **Master of Anime** and **Darkness Embers** for reviewing yet again! Also, I'd like to thanks **kuroiryuu**, an anonymous reviewer, for the in-depth review! You said you'd been waiting to review until chapter 10 but reviewed early, so I'd like to thank you!

I think that's it…yup! Sorry if I left anyone out above! It's not that I love you any less…I just love them better at the moment. To the chapter!

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Kyuubi looked at his blonde charge, who was trudging behind him, looking depressed. The fire-coloured fairy stopped and stared at him. Naruto didn't notice.

"Alright," Kyuubi said finally. "What the hell's wrong with you? You aren't irritating the hell out of me at the moment, so don't try to tell me nothing's wrong."

Naruto started to cast a look back at the Sacred Forest Meadow, but stopped himself, shaking his head slightly. "I just…I have this feeling that I won't be seeing Sakura again…not for a long time…" he said quietly.

"NARUTO! Please direct your attention up here!"

The blonde lifted his head blearily. "Hey, Fuzzy Eyebrows."

Rock Lee hooted anxiously. "I trust that you kept your end of the bargain, my youthful comrade! Please, tell me what my dearest Saria said!"

Kyuubi froze, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "That's right…we made a deal, didn't we?"

"Indeed!" Lee shouted. "My lovely Saria will come to me with open arms now that you have praised me openly in front of her!"

"Yeah, but she didn't seem all that impressed," Kyuubi recovered hastily, lying smoothly. "I'm thinking that if we keep mentioning you around her, she'll eventually come around."

"Really?" Lee's eyes sparkled happily. "That is excellent news!"

"Of course, our pains don't come free," Kyuubi said reasonably. "In fact, we could use a lift out of here."

"That sounds most reasonable!" Lee hooted. "However, I did not just come to exchange pleasantries! I have yet another short speech to deliver! Please pay close attention!"

"I don't recall you ever giving a _short_ speech," Kyuubi said casually, "but if you must."

"If I am not mistaken, you just learned an Ocarina song from the lovely Saria!" Lee hooted. "The melody she generously taught you seems to carry a mysterious, youthful power!"

"Yeah…and?" Naruto drawled, still looking a bit dazed. Lee ruffled his wings.

"There are other songs that hold mystifying power all across the beautifully vast plains of Hyrule!" Lee said seriously. "Learning these songs will benefit you greatly in your quest, Naruto!"

"Whatever, Fuzzy Eyebrows," he said sluggishly. "Did I hear something about getting a lift out of this place?"

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Naruto strode with exaggerated exuberance towards the fenced-in building, with an idiotically happy grin on his face. Kyuubi stared at him with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.

"Where do you get off acting all miserable one second and then being all…_cheerful_ the next?" he stresses the word 'cheerful' as if it had an unpleasant, foreign taste. Naruto looked shocked.

"What did you just ask me?" he sputtered. Kyuubi frowned warily.

"Where do you get…oh, for Din's sake," he rolled his eyes. "Did you hear anything I said _after_ that?"

Naruto merely blinked, flushing a bit. Kyuubi slapped his forehead. "A pre-pubescent boy…couldn't have been a sweet, shy little girl, no…that would make life easy for me. Well, no use bitching about it," the kitsune sighed. "We've already established that the Goddesses hate me, after all."

Naruto looked pensive. "Hmm…sweet, shy…"

"What's up now, twerp?" Kyuubi inquired, sounding for the life of him as if he couldn't care any less.

"That's right!" Naruto smacked his fist into his palm. "Lon-Lon Ranch is where Hinata lives! I knew there was a reason I was coming here!"

"Right…the ranch girl," Kyuubi lowered himself lazily onto Naruto's hat. "Are you just going to talk about her or are you going in?"

"Oh, right," Naruto entered the ranch. The camera panned out and took a sweeping look around the ranch, the words 'Lon-Lon Ranch' flashing white across the screen. A familiarly faint, tinny melody rang out through the ranch.

"You hear that?" Kyuubi said, ears perking up. Naruto shook his head, forgetting where Kyuubi was. The fairy patted something on his stomach.

"Safety message number two, kids; wear a seatbelt when riding on the hats of crazy, stupid twerps," he murmured. Naruto didn't hear him as he looked perplexedly from side to side.

"I think I'll go in that building first," he pointed at the nearest building. "It's the nearest," he pointed out unnecessarily.

"The author beat you to the punch on that one," Kyuubi indicated the sentence on his copy of _Ocarina of Konoha_. Naruto scowled and ignored both the fairy and the author, pouting as he entered the stable.

"Ah!" he jumped backwards, this time knocking Kyuubi loose of his seatbelt and flying into the wooden wall. "IT'S YOU!"

The man leaned on his broom and swept white hair out of his face, smirking maliciously. "It's been a long time, Naruto."

"Kabuto?" Kyuubi squinted. "Hey, man, haven't seen you since the Villains' Convention last summer."

"Kyuubi?" the Sound ninja sneered. "Can't say you're looking all that well."

The kitsune snarled. Kabuto turned back to Naruto, who was still stark white and stuttering. "I am the Great Ingo, working in this dump of a ranch for that lazy-ass Talon."

Naruto began to recover. "Working for Shikamaru?" he said suspiciously. "Somehow, I doubt that. Knowing you, you'll probably betray him to kiss Orochimaru's ass instead!"

"Well, duh," Kabuto shrugged. "I thought that was a given. Why else would I be chosen for this role?"

Kyuubi hissed at him angrily. "You're still after that Orochimaru loser? Whatever happened to the pact our support group made?"

Kabuto's eyes grew longing and a simpering smile replaced his smirk as he withdrew something from his back pocket. "Lord Orochimaru…" he said dreamily. "I don't care about some kind of stupid promise I made, if it means I could be with _you_…"

Kyuubi shook his fist. "You're a traitor to your kind, Kabuto!" he said heatedly. "The Unrequited Orochimaru Lovers Anonymous Support Group is _so_ hearing all about this!"

Naruto looked shaken up. "You have a _support group_ for this kind of thing?" the blonde stared up at Kabuto incredulously. Kyuubi coughed lightly, and Naruto rounded on him, now looking, if possible, even more disgusted.

"It was a way to meet people," Kyuubi said defensively. "I mean, it's not like _I_ – I mean, I wouldn't – I don't…"

"I think starting the UOLASG was a good thing to do," Kabuto piped up in the fairy's defence. Naruto turned an interesting shade of mint green.

"You _started _it?" he said, clutching his stomach.

"Well, yes," Kyuubi admitted reluctantly. "Not because I _like_ Orochimaru or anything, though! I hate him! The pasty skin and limp hair are completely last year!"

Naruto was hyperventilating. "You were living _inside_ me when you first saw Orochimaru," he choked out. Kyuubi's eyes were wide and accusing as Naruto bolted out the door, the sound of him upchucking audible through the door.

"Look what you did, you four-eyed freak!" he spat. Kabuto adjusted his glasses, the lenses flashing.

"What did you call me, kitsune?" he hissed. Naruto came through the door as Kyuubi lunged for him, automatically grabbing the fairy's wings to restrain him.

"Please tell me that was all you had to say," he begged Kabuto. "Let me leave this horrible, horrible place."

"Let's see…Ingo, working for Talon who's lazy…" Kabuto mentally went over his checklist. "I was supposed to mention that I deserve to own the ranch, and not Talon. Wait…I just did. Okay, I'm done."

Kabuto didn't even see Naruto leave.

On the other side of the door, Naruto was panting slightly. Kyuubi looked impressed.

"I've never seen anyone bolt so fast, and this is coming from someone who destroys villages for a living," he clapped appreciatively. Naruto looked at the fire-red fairy warily. Kyuubi stopped clapping. "What?"

"You really didn't start that club…right?" Naruto asked cautiously. Kyuubi froze.

"…No," he said finally. "You can't trust anything Kabuto says. It's all lies, you know…because he's evil. I'm evil, too, granted, but you can trust me more…because I'm your guardian fairy. Don't ask me why that gives me more credibility, because it just does."

Naruto paused to process what Kyuubi had said and breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good."

"Next building, then, come on," Kyuubi ushered Naruto through the door. "No time to lose, you know?"

Naruto grinned. "Hey, it's Shikamaru!" he ran over to the sleeping genius. He frowned when he saw that Shikamaru was asleep. "Hey…Shikamaru! Wake up!"

"What do you want?" Shikamaru groaned irritably, dragging his heavy eyes open. "Oh…it's Naruto…"

"Good morning, Shikamaru!" he threw his arms up enthusiastically. The lazy ninja rubbed his ears, narrowing his eyes at the blonde.

"What do you want?" he asked. "If it's not important, I'm going back to sleep. It's too troublesome to stay awake."

"I just wanted to say hi," Naruto blinked. Shikamaru yawned.

"Well, I suppose since you're here and I'm awake, I'll thank you," he said, stretching his arms a bit. "It's not good to leave a woman waiting, and if you hadn't woken me up, Hinata would probably still be back at Hyrule market."

"No problem!" Naruto beamed. Shikamaru sighed.

"Well, that was troublesome," he leaned back and closed his eyes. "I'm going back to sleep."

Naruto left once Shikamaru began snoring, followed by the kitsune. "I still haven't seen Hinata," the blonde frowned, thinking hard. "Where else could she be?"

"She's out in the field," Kyuubi said tonelessly. Naruto looked surprised.

"How do you know?"

"We caught a glimpse of her when the screen panned out, and she's been singing since we got here," Kyuubi pointed. Sure enough, in the middle of the field with horses trotting around her aimlessly was Hinata. Naruto jogged over.

"Hey, Hinata!" Naruto waved his arms wildly. Hinata gasped and blushed, not expecting to see him.

"Naruto!" she smiled. "T-Thank you for f-finding my father f-for me…did you g-get to meet the P-Princess?"

Naruto snickered fondly at the memory. "Yeah, I met _her_."

"That's w-wonderful," Hinata twiddled her fingers. "Oh! I h-have to introduce you t-to my friend, Naruto!" she whistled and an orange-red animal came into view. Naruto stifled his giggled unsuccessfully, while Kyuubi just clicked his tongue disdainfully.

"Somehow, I feel like I got a better deal than you, Gamabunta," Kyuubi snorted. "You make one butt-ugly horse."

"F-Frog Boss…" Naruto began, intending to offer some words of comfort but instead just snorting with laughter. Gamabunta made a noise that was a mix between a croak and a whinny.

"This is Epona," Hinata said, pushing Gamabunta forward slightly. The Frog Boss leapt off instead, not meeting Naruto's eye. Hinata put a hand to her mouth.

"Oh dear…he m-must be embarrassed," Hinata said softly. "H-He can't talk, either, s-so he's been in an awful m-mood."

"I'd be embarrassed too," Kyuubi commented. "At least I can speak."

"Usually he f-feels better when I s-sing this s-song my mother wrote," Hinata said timidly. "W-We could sing it t-together…"

"I'm no singer," Naruto shook his head, instead pulling out his Ocarina. "Can I play this instead of singing?"

"Of c-course…this is the song…" Hinata sang softly, her hesitant voice barely audible over the noises of whinnying, neighing and the _clop, clop_ of the horses' steady steps.

Naruto played the notes back perfectly. Gamabunta perked up from his corner and leapt over to Naruto, nearly crushing him with his weight. He glared down at the wheezing blonde.

"It l-looks like Epona h-has grown fond of you, N-Naruto!" Hinata stammered joyfully. Naruto gasped for air.

"Kyuu…bi…_help_…" he huffed. Kyuubi looked up from filing his claws.

"Oh, you're being crushed," he noticed. "Good luck getting him off."

Naruto glared weakly, trying fruitlessly to push off the frog-horse. He wouldn't budge. Hinata began to look nervous, bending down and tapping Gamabunta.

"Um…p-please get off N-Naruto," she requested shyly. Gamabunta grudgingly got off the blonde, who choked on air, looking gratefully at the white-eyed girl.

"Oh, good, you're up," Kyuubi observed brightly as Naruto got to his feet. "Can we get going now?"

Naruto turned his head slowly towards the fairy. "Gee, Kyuubi," he said sarcastically, his tone dangerous, "thanks _so much_ for the help back there."

"Without my moral support, you'd be nothing," Kyuubi nodded solemnly. "Now can we leave?"

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"I don't like this place," Kyuubi whined, eyes darting back and forth wildly. "It makes me…edgy."

"I don't know…it kind of has a homey feel to it," Naruto said, looking down into the crystal water of the well. He looked up and waved to Yashamaru, who was tending to a gaggle of Cuccos in a pen. "Besides, look at how many people there are to help!"

"You've helped _one_ person," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Ibiki the Grave keeper didn't seem to want any help, and that chicken-obsessed freak is just hopeless, so neither of them count."

"Who's the one person I helped, then?" Naruto inquired. Kyuubi pointed up.

"The author," he said. "By skipping having to meet Anju and Dampé, you cut down the amount of writing she had to do."

"She only skipped that much?" Naruto frowned. "Why only those two?"

"I don't know," Kyuubi shrugged. "Questioning the author is like asking for the meaning of life, or what happens when we die, or why there so many Din damned dogs running around. Just one of those mysteries of life."

"Wait…" Naruto grabbed a white dog running past, holding up the animal and scrutinizing him. "This dog looks for familiar…"

"As he should," a familiar voice said. "I don't suppose you remember me?"

"Pakkun!" Naruto said, surprised. He looked at the dog he was holding and yelped. "Akamaru?"

"PUT HIM DOWN, YOU IDIOT! YOU DON'T HOLD A DOG LIKE THAT!" a gray blur ran past, snatching his precious puppy. Kiba held Akamaru defensively to his chest.

"Kiba!" Naruto grinned. "Sorry about Akamaru. What are you doing here?"

"Forget that, loser, we have work to do," he snapped, putting the dog down. "Pakkun! Akamaru! Get back to building! We're on a schedule!"

Akamaru barked and Pakkun nodded before taking off again. Kiba sighed, pulling his hood down. "It's hard work, being a carpenter boss," he wiped some sweat from his brow.

"Well the, see you," Naruto shrugged, giving him a mock-salute before the dog boy rushed off. "Where to next?"

"The windmill…" Kyuubi pointed, a dark look on his face. The windmill's fans rotated ominously like blades, slowly creaking as they turned. Naruto gulped, making his way up to the base.

"Why do I feel so…foreboding?" he said, sounding uncertain. "Like inside lurks someone…or something…more terrifying than I've ever had to face…?"

"Brush it off," Kyuubi suggested. "That's what I do. Or I brandish my spoon at whatever's making me uncomfortable and that usually gets the message across. It almost always works."

"You threaten me with that spoon," Naruto frowned.

"That's why it _almost _always works," Kyuubi said obviously. "Option two is murder, but I need to keep you around if I want my nine-billion dollar contract at the end of the game."

"Nine-billion dollar contract?" Naruto said, now distracted from his sense of impending doom.

"Yeah," he said casually, brushing some imaginary dust off his shoulder. "They said if I can pull this off I can officially replace Navi in the role of irritating fairy. Normally, I wouldn't even consider it, but this is nine billion we're talking about."

"True," Naruto agreed, flinging open the door and abruptly remembering why he was afraid. Both he and Kyuubi screamed in terror, their fear echoing off the curved walls and blending with the incessantly playing song that reeked of sheer insanity.

"Naruto!" Gai Maito flashed his 'good guy' pose at the blonde ninja, somehow also playing the large instrument he had strapped to his spandex-clad body. "How wonderful to see the student of my long-time rival!"

Naruto gaped stupidly, looking like a fish out of water. Kyuubi huddled into himself.

"Go around, go around and around and around!" Gai chanted, a cheerfully maniacal grin lighting up his face. "You may call me the Windmill Gai! I'm a music man celebrating his youth by going round and round and around!"

Naruto broke into silent, desperately fearful sobs. Kyuubi shifted into a defensive position in front of charge, a protective look on his face as he slowly reached for his plastic fork.

"I am trying to find a song inspired by the springtime of youth and this windmill!" Gai said enthusiastically, seemingly staring right through the kitsune and the blonde. "…Going around and around and around!" he cackled gleefully, cranking the handle of his instrument faster and faster.

"Kyuubi?" Naruto's voice small voice was scared and child-like. "Can we go? That's all I want…I just want to go…"

"Come on," he said quietly, gently guiding Naruto back towards the door. "This way, twerp…it'll all be okay…"

Gai hummed his song along with the tune, watching the pair leave, one hesitantly tucking a utensil away as the other cowered. Gai giggled.

"Go around…spin around…la, dee, da, dee, da…"


	10. Some People Weren't Meant to be Gorons

Disclaimer: I own my computer, keyboard, fingers and imagination. Wait…technically, I _don't_ own my computer or keyboard. Well, that's depressing…At least my fingers and my whacked-out imagination are mine.

My thanks goes out to **Galaxy Girl** this time, for being my fanfiction hero. Oh…and I guess you reviewers are okay, too. ;P

Through the thick dread of upcoming exams, I still feel inspired to write! Not as much, though…but remember folks; reviews really do inspire me! (Blatantly fishing for reviews and copying Gai and Lee's 'good guy' pose, complete with twinkling smile)

…Nothing? Aw, come on…

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"Twerp?" Kyuubi said uncertainly, waving a hand in front of the blonde's face. "Uh, twerp? You still with us?"

"Spin around…spin around…" Naruto murmured with a giggle. Kyuubi's eyes went impossibly wide.

"Good god, no…put the jumpsuit away, kid…" he backed off a bit, holding up his hands in surrender. Naruto clutched the green spandex defensively.

"Just put it away, twerp!" Kyuubi yelled frantically. "Don't do anything drastic!"

Naruto turned daze-fogged blue eyes to Kyuubi, staring unblinkingly. He began to lower the jumpsuit, and Kyuubi let out a breath he barely noticed he'd been holding.

"That's right, twerp…" he reached out consolingly. "It was just a tiny traumatic experience…you're yourself again, right? …Just one little experience…be strong, twerp. Be strong. You'll be having a lot of them, after all…"

Naruto seemed to look straight through him. Kyuubi shuddered, now getting slightly irritated. "What's the last thing I said, twerp?"

"What's the last thing I said, twerp," Naruto responded almost automatically, gingerly folding up the jumpsuit. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"No, what was the last thing I said before."

"What's the last thing I said, twerp," Naruto said again. Kyuubi felt a vein in his forehead threaten to burst.

"No, twerp," he said in a steadily calm voice, a muscle in his eye twitching spastically. "What was the…fourth sentence I said this chapter?"

"Put the jumpsuit away, kid."

"BRAT!" Kyuubi roared. "What was that section of text I said when you were out of it and I was attempting to console you?"

"Oh, I don't know," Naruto said absently, shaking his head to clear it. "I wasn't listening."

Kyuubi breathed in deeply and held it for ten seconds. "Let's just go up to Death Mountain now, before I completely lose it and break down cry…wait…"

"Ha, ha!" Din yelled triumphantly. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes at the sky.

"Didn't work, you damn Goddess bitch! You lose when I figure out that you're the ones doing this to my sorry excuse for a life!"

He could almost hear Din blink in surprise. "Oh. I don't lose forever though, right?

"…Yes. Yes, you've lost," Kyuubi said slowly, smirking. The Goddess let out an angry shriek before the sky returned to its natural shade of blue.

"That ought to take care of those two for a while…and I've never had to worry about Nayru," he said, grinning with satisfaction. "Let's get going, kid."

Naruto rubbed his eyes blearily. "Okay…hold on, what happened?"

"Nothing important, twerp," Kyuubi tugged on his hat. "Now why don't you talk to the nice guard blocking our path, hmm?"

"Oh," Naruto looked up at the guard staring down at him with condescending, bloodshot eyes. He grinned weakly. "…Uh…hi?"

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS," he said in a booming, Gandalf-esque voice. Naruto adjusted his now windswept clothes and fixed the position of his hat, while Kyuubi flitted back to Naruto giving the guard a sour look.

"Uh…I have a letter," Naruto held out the pink parchment, giving the guard a strange look.

"Hmm…" the guard studied it carefully, squinting one eye. "This _seems_ to be in order…what's this about ramen, though?" he pointed at a sentence written in curly pink calligraphy.

"Ignore that," Kyuubi cut off Naruto as the blonde opened his mouth to answer. "Will you let us through, or what?"

"Well, Mr. Hero, I suppose I should let you through, seeing as it's _by order of the Princess_," he mocked, magically opening the gate by stamping his spear against the ground. "Although, if you were a _real_ hero, you'd go all the way back to Hyrule Market and get me a Keaton mask."

"How would that make me a hero?" Naruto questioned sceptically. "That would probably just make me a lackey."

The guard looked offended. "It would make you a hero because you'd be helping me make my…_son_ very happy!" he paused before he said son, and Kyuubi could almost see his brain working furiously. This got Kyuubi thinking of what brains looked like, and his hand began to twitch as he unconsciously reached for his plastic fork.

"Your son, huh?" the fairy managed to say quite casually. "I'm sure. This just sounds like another stupid, pointless fetch quest if you ask me."

"Did anyone ask you?" Naruto raised his eyebrows. Kyuubi shrugged, tugging his hand back as it made a bid for the hidden lethal utensil.

"I would ask me, personally," he said pointedly. "My game knowledge is unrivalled by all. That's why I'm in the annoying-fairy-sidekick-who-is-supposed-to-give-you-advice role."

Naruto sighed. "Whatever. Let's just go."

"Hold on, I have more to say!" the guard protested. "You should also go all the way back to Hyrule to buy a Hylian Shield! That pathetic little Deku Shield will burn right up!"

"I already have a Hylian Shield," Naruto turned around to show the shield strapped to his back. "I got it back in the graveyard at the same time I got the Sun's Song."

"You got the Sun's Song?" Kyuubi said, surprised. Naruto nodded.

"Yeah, we went through it with a time lapse, remember?" his eyes narrowed. "Wait…I remember. You were on your 'coffee break' while I was facing those horrible perverted undead things!"

"ReDeads? Nah, they're harmless," Kyuubi waved carelessly, looking shifty eyed. "There were only a few of them, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Then think of it as good practice," Kyuubi coughed into his fist. Naruto's eyes grew wide and he began to sputter.

"T-there's _more_ -"

"Onward!" Kyuubi commanded, pointing up at the trail.

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Naruto was bent over, poking a boulder-like object with a Deku stick in pure fascination.

"What the hell are you, dattebayo?" he inquired as it twitched, once again, in irritation. Kyuubi floated around aimlessly in the background, whistling Saria's Song. The Goron uncurled his body with an exasperated sigh.

"I told you, Hylian, I'm a Goron," he snapped.

"I'm a Kokiri, not a Hylian," Naruto sniffed, "and telling me that you're a Goron doesn't tell me much."

"Impa mentioned them, twerp," Kyuubi stopped whistling. "The Gorons live on Death Mountain."

"Oh…he did?" Naruto's brow furrowed. Kyuubi helpfully shoved a copy of his script under the blonde's nose. Naruto seized it happily.

"So this is what a script looks like!" he grinned, leafing through it with interest. "I never got one. Do you think it's still in the mail?"

Kyuubi twitched. Naruto tucked the script conspiratorially into his sweat suit. "So…is there anything you're supposed to be saying?" he asked the Goron. Said bald, tan-coloured creature drew itself up to his not-all-that-impressive height, his speckled hunch back straightening only slightly.

"I am one of the Gorons, the stone-eating people who live on Death Mountain," he stated proudly, before pointing at a giant rock stuck in the rock wall. "Look at that huge boulder over there!"

"I'm looking," Naruto said disinterestedly. Kyuubi yawned and settled himself on Naruto's hat, anticipating a long and unwanted explanation.

"It blocks the entrance to the Dodongo's Cavern, which was once a very important place for us Gorons," the Goron said solemnly, "but one day, many Dodongos suddenly appeared inside the cavern."

"Did it occur to you that a place called _Dodongo's Cavern_ would likely have _Dodongos_ living in it?" Kyuubi interjected, his voice thick with sleep. The Goron ignored him.

"It became a dangerous place for us, and on top of that, a Gerudo in black armor used his magic to seal the entrance with that boulder!" he shuddered for effect before his voice changed to an annoying announcer-esque tone. "If you want to hear more Goron gossip, head up to our city! Great food, music, dining, and tourist hot spots! All for low, low prices in high, high demand!"

The Goron blinked. Naruto was already heading up the trail. He shrugged and curled back up into a ball, snoring peacefully.

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The camera zoomed out to do it's typical 'you just entered a new place' thing. Naruto took the opportunity, for once, to pay attention to where he should be going.

"Looks like you'll be trying your hand at tightrope walking, twerp," Kyuubi snickered as Naruto paled.

"Why was the rock-pedestal-thing so high up?" he whined. "It's like they purposely make things complicated for me!"

"Uh, they _do_," Kyuubi intoned. "The definition of 'Game Designer' is 'a programmer who lays out a game's setup and geography in ways that serve to make the hero/heroine's life or mission difficult.' It's in the Official Nintendo Dictionary."

"I don't _care_ about he definition of a game…whatever," he griped, gingerly testing the rope. "How stable do you think this rope is?"

Kyuubi hovered over the rope. "Seems to support me. You'll be fine."

"You're not even touching the rope!" he yelped. "I'm going to die, aren't I?"

"Not likely," Kyuubi comforted. "They need to keep you alive long enough the climactic ending battle in thirty or more chapters."

"What?"

"Why do you _always_ start paying attention at the most inopportune times?" Kyuubi snarled. "Just go or I swear I'll push you…"

"I don't want a repeat of chapter two," Naruto muttered, cautiously walking across the rope. Kyuubi followed close behind. Naruto froze suddenly in the middle.

"I can't!" he cried. "Let me turn around, please, Kyuubi, let me go back!"

"You actually want to turn your body on a thin, difficultly maneuvered rope?" Kyuubi raised his eyebrows with a chuckle. "Alright, it's your suicide."

"Kyuu_bi_!" Naruto whined, stumbling forward as Kyuubi prodded his back with the back end of a spoon. "Please, just let me go back! I'm really freaked out, dattebayo!"

"Nope!" Kyuubi cackled, poking him faster, hitting the same spot on his back repeatedly.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, for the love of Nayru, don't let me die," the blonde sobbed, squeezing his eyes shut. They flew open when his feet came into contact with solid ground. "Huh?"

Kyuubi patted his head. "That'll do, donkey. That'll do."

Naruto breathed heavily, slumping against the pedestal. Kyuubi noticed something amiss before he did, and cheerfully noted, "Oh, look, the Spiritual Stone is missing."

Naruto fell deadly silent. Kyuubi was beginning to sweat by the time Naruto finally muttered, "Missing? I did that for nothing?"

"Hey!" the Goron who had been unnoticed by the pair finally spoke up. "It's dangerous up here for a kid like you! You could fall and get hurt!"

Naruto turned his head very slowly, his hair falling in his eyes and almost concealing glinting blue eyes. The Goron recognized the sign of danger and said hurriedly, "BigBrothertookawaytheSpiritualStonebecausepeoplekeeptryingtostealitandheholedhimselfupinhisroom," he paused to breathe before continuing, "andthenhesaidhewasgoingtowaitfortheRoyalFamily'smessenger! Don't hurt me!"

Naruto turned his head back slowly. The Goron looked uncertain and curled himself back into a ball. Kyuubi carefully tapped Naruto's shoulder.

"Uh, twerp?" he ventured. "Something wrong?"

Naruto slowly lifted his head. "Kyuubi?" he rasped. "How am I going to get back across?"

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"Thank god for those cut-off lines," Naruto wilted with gratitude, mouthing a silent 'Thank you' to the author. Said author would like to take the opportunity to point out how merciful and kind she is, because it is the author's duty to praise herself and refer to herself in third person.

"That Goron up there said this 'Big Brother' guy was waiting for Royal Family's messenger…at least, I think he said something like that," Kyuubi muttered. "I recommend you play Zelda's Lullaby. It makes sense, since we learned it at the castle."

"Okay," Naruto agreed, pulling out his Ocarina. He blew a few practice notes, and the instrument emitted a painfully squeaky noise. Naruto grinned sheepishly.

"I haven't been practicing as often as I should," he confessed, raising it to his lips again. "I'll get it this time."

"For the sake of both my eardrums and yours, you better," Kyuubi groused, fox ears flattened against his head. "I've never pulled anyone's eardrums out before, either, so it'll probably be more painful for you than me."

Naruto chuckled nervously before playing Zelda's Lullaby hesitantly. The 'You did something right!' music played as the door opened, revealing a small staircase leading up to…somewhere.

"What the…brat? What are you doing here?"

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto blinked, startled. Jiraiya scowled.

"I thought I told you not to call me that, brat!" he cuffed Naruto's head, a red bump forming underneath the blonde's hat.

"Ow…" Naruto groaned, rubbing his forehead. "What's wrong with you, ero-sennin?"

"What's wrong with ME?" Jiraiya fumed. "Oh, I'll tell you what's wrong! Ancient creatures have infested the Dodongo's Cavern! We've had a poor harvest of our special crop, Bomb Flowers! Starvation and hunger because of the rock shortage! And most of all…"

Naruto held his breath as Jiraiya broke down into sobs. "THERE ARE NO FEMALE GORONS!" he wailed at the top of voice before covering his face with his hands miserably. Naruto looked at Kyuubi helplessly.

"Don't give _me_ that look," Kyuubi held up his hands. "He's _your_ sensei, isn't he?"

Naruto just shrugged, moving beside Jiraiya. "There, there," he said, patting his back awkwardly. He gave a startled yelp and jumped back when Jiraiya suddenly leapt back up to his feet, looking grim.

"But these are Goron problems!" he declared, his slight sniffling taking away any impressiveness of his statement. "We don't need any help from _male_ strangers!"

"Oh," Naruto said, disappointed. "Not even if I do this?"

Jiraiya looked momentarily joyful with anticipation, but wilted again when he merely saw Naruto take out his Ocarina.

"I was hoping you'd use Sexy no Jutsu…" he groaned disappointedly. Naruto gave him a wide grin.

"Don't worry, this should make you feel better too," he said, and played Saria's Song.

Jiraiya got a strange look on his face, cocking his head from side to side. Then he began to do…

_Naruto's victory dance from chapter five_, to Kyuubi's absolute horror.

"Whew!" Jiraiya said as the song faded away, wiping sweat off his brow. "What a nice tune!"

"Good god, my eyes," Kyuubi said in a low, panicked voice. "I think I'm crying blood."

Outside, the Goddesses were bickering.

"If he's crying, that means I win!" Farore screeched. "That stupid victory dance was entirely my idea!"

"It was NOT," Din sniggered. "I won and you know it."

"Neither of you won," Nayru finally interjected, sounding exasperated. "Darunia wasn't influenced by us in the least when it came to that dance."

"You mean…"

"He came up with that on his own?" Farore and Din sounded both awed and disgusted. Nayru sighed and disappeared from the sky.

"To think that something so sickening could arise on it's own, without the help of us, or the game makers," Din said slowly, thoughtfully. Farore murmured her agreement.

Back inside, Jiraiya and Naruto were now having a calm discussion, with Kyuubi trying fruitlessly to throw himself into the fire. He was mysteriously blocked each time by Jiraiya or Naruto's hand, alternately.

"I am Darunia," Jiraiya announced, blocking the kitsune. "I'm the big boss of the Gorons. So I'm assuming you're here for the Spiritual Stone?"

"Well, yeah," Naruto firmly clenched Kyuubi's wings, ignoring his protests and threats. "So you'll give it to me so I can just go on my way, right?"

"Ha!" Jiraiya guffawed. "You're a funny kid! I'm not going to give it to you that easily! That would go against the first law of non-playable characters!"

"Laws," Kyuubi scoffed. "Someone like you, with no morals, would bother dabbling in laws. I'm ashamed. To think I used to have some respect for you."

Kyuubi's comment was unheard by the others, now being quite used to ignoring him and unwilling to break the new habit. Jiraiya continued, "If you want it so badly, why don't you go destroy the monsters inside of the Dodongo's Cavern and prove you're a real man? That way, everybody will be happy again! If you do it, I will give you anything you want, even the Spiritual Stone!"

"How predictable," Naruto sighed. "Another stupid quest within a quest. Are you going to give me an item or something that will make said quest easier for me?"

"Yeah," Jiraiya blinked. "I'm supposed to give you this so that you can lift Bomb Flowers, since your skinny arms could never pick one up on their own."

"Twerp, you're getting more game-savvy," Kyuubi said, impressed. Well, impressed for Kyuubi. It sounded more sarcastic than anything.

"Well, get going and become a real man!" Jiraiya concluded. "Then we'll talk about the Spiritual Stone!"

Naruto blinked. "Uh…aren't you going to give me the item?"

Jiraiya chuckled sheepishly. "Almost forgot. Sorry." He brought out a golden circular object. "This is the Goron's Bracelet. It'll let you be able to lift Bomb Flowers."

"A bracelet is supposed to make me more manly?" Naruto snorted, putting them on. Jiraiya dusted his hands off and cleared his throat.

"Now that I've done everything, get going and become a real man! Then we'll talk about the Spiritual Stone!" Jiraiya sat down and got comfortable. Naruto's brow furrowed.

"Ero-sennin?"

"Well, get going and become a real man!" Jiraiya repeated. "Then we'll talk about the Spiritual Stone!"

Naruto looked up at Kyuubi sadly. "Game script got to him?" he asked sadly. Kyuubi nodded.

"Happens to the best of us, twerp," he comforted. "Now let's get going."

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Yay! I finally updated! That's the longest I've gone without updating so far! Well, for all you adoring fans, you don't need to worry anymore – school's nearly out, which gives me tons of time to write! Coming up next is Dodongo's Cavern…no new characters, but feel free to guess anyway!


	11. Look Ma, No Gameplay Instructions!

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

Yay! A whole bunch of reviews for last chapter – thanks to my faithful reviewers **Master of Anime**, **Gorion1928**, and **BlooDy-MaY**! Thanks to my new reviewers as well!

And to all of you that read and DON'T review, I make it a point to NOT thank YOU! Ha, ha! I told you guys off! How do you feel NOW, huh? …Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT.

On that note, please turn off all your cell phones and on with the show!

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"Steady, twerp. You need to make this the perfect hit," Kyuubi held up finger and thumb to form an 'L' shape, using the shape to get an idea of where to aim. "You have to get it somewhere so that it won't slide off and explode somewhere else, but it's difficult with a boulder…"

"Can you just hurry up?" Naruto said urgently.

"Have some patience, twerp, these things take time!" the kitsune snapped. "Alright…if you get just the perfect trajectory…"

"_Kyuubi!_" Naruto protested nervously. "It's going to -"

BOOM. Naruto had managed to fling the Bomb Flower away so that it didn't explode it his hands, but sadly, it had exploded almost the very instant he had released it. Kyuubi turned to look at his ashen-faced charge, whose face was now ironically nearly covered in black ash.

"That was nowhere _near_ the boulder," the fairy snapped as Naruto dragged a hand down his face. "That's why we'll be listening to me next time, right, twerp?"

Naruto glared bitterly at Kyuubi. "I could've been killed," he said flatly.

"No, you couldn't have," Kyuubi sighed. "When Bomb Flowers explode, they can reduce an obstacle or a monster to rubble, but the most that'll happen to you is that you'll flash red and about half a heart container will disappear."

Naruto continued to glower. Kyuubi shrugged carelessly and pointed over the short part of the fence. "Just chuck one of those over this short part of the fence and that ought to do the trick."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "So, what was all that about trajectory and angles, then?"

Kyuubi snickered. "You actually bought all that? Twerp, I'm a rampaging monster, not a math major."

Naruto slapped his forehead. "Whatever, dattebayo," he muttered. He hurled a Bomb Flower over the edge and awaited the loud BOOM to echo up to where they were standing.

The loud BOOM echoed up to where they were standing, and Kyuubi grinned, looking pleased with himself. "See, my advice has never led you wrong before, so why are you so determined not to trust me?"

"You'll probably betray me or something," Naruto pointed out as they began to head back down the trail. "You ARE evil. You tell me so all the time. Besides, you're Kyuubi, and that's reason enough."

Kyuubi stroked his chin thoughtfully, resting on Naruto's head. "Those are some good points," he admitted, "but without you, I can't make it through the rest of the game, and if I don't make it to the end, I don't get my nine-billion dollar contract I mentioned in Chapter nine."

Naruto looked taken aback. "You'd be greedy before you'd be evil?" he asked, impressed. "I misjudged you."

"They go hand in hand anyway," Kyuubi waved a hand modestly.

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'Dodongo's Cavern' rolled across the screen, but combusted from the heat halfway across the screen. A giant central platform was surrounded by lava, the steam rising up ominously, sending conveniently placed platforms up and down, also conveniently. At either side of the room were two long strips of ground at roughly the same height as the central platform, and above the platform was a gigantic, dried-out reptilian skull, with a strange indent directly below it on the platform. One the side platforms were strange, statue like creatures whose cyclopean heads rotated slowly, searching for an enemy.

Naruto gaped. "That was a long description…" he gulped, tugging at his collar as he stared up at the skull in particular.

"I kind of like this place," Kyuubi said brightly. "I feel more at home, you know? The heat, the fire, the obvious hostility in the atmosphere…"

"That's a really big skull," he said, fanning himself and looking as though he desperately wanted to turn and run out the way he came. "Like, not just kind of big. It's huge. Gigantic. Do you think…" he began to sweat more from nervousness than heat. "Do you think that's a Dodongo?"

"…And the high ceiling reminds me of the open air as I would roar once the entire village was reduced to debris," Kyuubi said nostalgically. "Those were some good times, the age before the Yondaime came into power…"

"Hey!" Naruto yelled in Kyuubi's face, sending him reeling backwards due to his lack of body mass. "I'm having a breakdown, dattebayo! I could use some reassuring!"

"Relax, twerp," Kyuubi brushed himself off, grumbling darkly as he flitted back over to his charge. "Now, since the author getting tired of our banter and doesn't know where exactly in this room the Dungeon Map or Compass is, she's going to put a time lapse line, and by then you'll have miraculously forgotten your fear."

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"Still afraid of Dodongos or giant skulls, twerp?" the kitsune asked, hovering above the Compass and Map Naruto held in his hands.

"Nope," Naruto tucked the aforementioned items away. "I seem to have miraculously gotten over my fear around the same time I got those two items. What next?"

"According to my brochure, we just enter this room right here," he indicated to room they were currently standing in front of. "We ought to find a pathway leading two a switch and two of Dodongo's Cavern's finest statues."

Naruto looked at Kyuubi strangely. "You have a brochure?"

In response, Kyuubi held up a leaflet with the words '_The World of Dodongos; A Tourist's Guide_' emblazoned on the front. "It's good to read up on these things first," the kitsune chastised. "Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't."

Naruto just shook his head, looking perplexed. The door flew open and the pair began walking through contently.

"AGH! Tiny evil lizards sprouting from the ground!" Naruto shrieked, slashing wildly with his eyes closed. The baby Dodongo's exploded on contact. Naruto screamed twice as loud and twice as high.

"AGH! Tiny evil _exploding_ lizards sprouting from the ground!" Naruto cowered by the suspiciously bomb-able looking wall. Another one of the baby Dodongo's exploded and the wall behind him crumbled.

"Duck in there, twerp," Kyuubi pushed him through the now-revealed door as the baby Dodongo's piled up against the walls. Inside, Naruto began yelping again. Kyuubi sighed and was about to yell at him in annoyance when he froze.

"A…bigger…Scrub…" he observed thickly. "Good Nayru, twerp, kill it! What the hell are you waiting for?"

Naruto obeyed robotically, looking dazed. The Scrub jumped up, glowing eyes wide.

"Please, young _sahr_, Ah didn't mean any harm!" it said in an oily accent. "Please, allow me to make it up to you!"

"Oh, no you don't!" Kyuubi pushed Naruto behind him defensively. "My contract will _not_ be defiled by a horny, morally-depraved plant!" Luckily for the kitsune, the Scrub was unaware of Kyuubi's own depravity, and looked abashed.

"Sahr, Ah was offering nothing of that sort!" he said in a highly affronted tone. "Ah am a _business_ Scrub. Ah aim to sell top-quality wares to all my devoted customers! Now please, young sahr," he turned back to Naruto with a false grin on his wooden features, "Ah would be simply delighted to show you our full inventory. We have a Deku Shield, along with Deku Seeds that can be used for that lovely slingshot I see that you have, Deku nuts to blind your enemies, top-quality blades of grass from Hyrule Field, wood shavings taken from _actual_ tree stumps in Kokiri forest, pebbles from the very peak of Death Mountain – top quality, Ah am telling you, young sahr – magical 'healing' leaves found in the remains of the Great Deku Tree, bless his dear departed soul, wooden flooring made specifically for the Gorons, a matching salt-and-pepper shaker set, a cheat-sheet to last year's Chuunin exam, a -"

"This is all _junk_," Kyuubi spat, rifling through the Scrub's inventory as he rattled off useless items. "These magic 'healing' leaves are burnt up!"

The Scrub looked temporarily caught, his glowing eyes shifting rapidly from side to side. Naruto turned foggy blue eyes on him as he chuckled nervously.

"Did you say something about a cheat sheet?" he inquired groggily. The Scrub leapt up eagerly until Naruto continued, "Where the hell were you when I took the Chuunin exam?"

"It was last year's, twerp," Kyuubi drawled.

"Oh," Naruto blinked. "Never mind."

"You know, twerp," Kyuubi cracked his knuckles as Naruto drew his sword slowly, giving the Scrub a good view of the stunted blade, "there's only one thing as bad as a prostitute plant…and that's a pushy salesman."

The Scrub backed up nervously, chuckling awkwardly in his strange almost-southern accent. He burrowed underground with a squeak.

"Oh, thank Nayru there's something else here to make it worth it," Kyuubi pointed at the Gold Skulltula moving around pointlessly on the wall. Naruto killed it and left the room in order to give the author a place to put a cut-off line.

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"Well, this looks like a good place for a sub-boss battle," Kyuubi commented as they looked around from their place on the lava-surrounded platform. The platforms were all in hexagonal patterns with no sub-bosses in sight. Naruto looked at the kitsune strangely.

"Why would you say that?" he asked in disbelief. "Now, even though we're obviously in an empty room, a sub-boss will appear out of nowhere and attack me, and since I'll be caught off guard I'll be as good as dead."

At that moment, the sub-boss battle music started as two tall lizard creatures dropped from the ceiling. Kyuubi noted brightly, "See, you were wrong! There are two sub-bosses, not just one! These are Lizalfos, incidentally."

"Thank you, Kyuubi. You're such a comfort," Naruto said, ducking underneath his oversized Hylian shield. "Now what do I do?"

Kyuubi sneakily pulled something out from behind his back. "Conveniently enough, they attack one at a time, and rear back obviously when they're about to attack. Just stay under your shield and slash at them when they look vulnerable." He tucked the item away. Not that he drew an item in the first place. You saw nothing.

Naruto did see, however. "What was that?" he asked suspiciously. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"It's just a stupid Guidebook," he waved a hand. Naruto's jaw dropped.

"You have a _Guidebook_ and you didn't tell me?" he shrieked, making an attempt to grab it. Having no wings, Naruto failed miserably.

"Eye on the battle, twerp," Kyuubi called down tauntingly. Naruto's eyes went wide and he ducked back under his shield, and for the sake of drama he only just managed to duck under the lizard's blade. It bounced off the shield, and Naruto seized the opportunity to slash at the creature's stomach.

After a few rounds of this, the Lizalfos let out a screechy honk and hopped to another platform to safety. Naruto looks bemused. "Where's it going?"

"It's the other lizard's turn, twerp," Kyuubi called out of nowhere. Naruto's head swung around.

"What the…Kyuubi, where are you?" Naruto's brow furrowed.

"For Nayru's sake, _eye on the battle!_" Kyuubi chastised, and Naruto swung back around in time to be sent flying backwards by the Lizalfos. He rubbed his head, wrenching himself off the wall with a pained moan.

"Told you, twerp," Kyuubi muttered to himself. "Of course I tell you, it's my job, but we can't just accept that I'm always right, can we? No, let's make things difficult for the poor kitsune and look around blinking like an idiot instead of drawing our Din-damned _sword_. While we're at it, let's stick him in the body of something that no living creature would ever consider respecting, like a stupid ball of light that jingles when it moves… Nayru's _Love_, I don't get paid enough for this…"

"Kyuubi, they're dead, you can come out now, dattebayo!" Naruto called as the bars on the doors disappeared, which started Kyuubi off again.

"Yes, Kyuubi, you can only come out if I summon you, dattebayo," he mimicked Naruto's tone in an insulting, nasal voice. "I've killed all the monsters – which I wouldn't be able to do if it weren't for your vast knowledge and skill -"

"Kyuubi?" Naruto waved a hand in front of the murmuring fairy, ears straining to hear whatever he was now giggling over. "Uh…Kyuubi? Kyuu-meister?"

"Don't call me that."

"Got it."

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Kyuubi sighed dismally as Naruto cheerfully whistled his way through the 'obstacles', the razor traps whizzing by his feet. Naruto seemed oblivious to them, or was just very good at dodging them. Kyuubi sighed again.

Naruto attempted to face him, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head as he groped for the fairy on his hat. "What is it?" he inquired. Kyuubi hissed and flew off Naruto's head to fly beside him, giving Naruto's hand a dirty look.

"It's just depressing how lazy the author is," he snorted. "We just skipped from the first sub-boss battle practically to the next. It's depressing."

Naruto looked momentarily panicked. "There's another sub-boss battle?"

Kyuubi seemed to consider his answer for a second. "…No."

"Oh, thank Din," he breathed. "Well, maybe the author just forgot everything in between these parts."

"If that was true, the author still could've taken some initiative," Kyuubi pointed out. "There are probably spoiler websites for this, right? They'd take you through the game step-by-step."

"What's a website?"

Kyuubi cracked an almost-malicious grin. "I'll show you a really good website later, twerp."

Naruto shrugged and chucked a Bomb flower at the high up wall from where was, which was now standing on a platform next to an opened chest. The wall crumbled and he hopped through.

"Aim for the eye with your slingshot, twerp," Kyuubi advised when they reached the next room – a platform in the middle room lit on fire with an eye switch above it on the wall behind. Naruto did as Kyuubi said – only taking five times to get the aim right – and hopped across.

"Ah, here we are," Kyuubi said. "Sub-boss battle number two. Good luck, kid." Kyuubi whizzed under Naruto's hat, giving the blonde only time to blink and say "Huh?" once before two Lizalfos jumped out of nowhere.

The following battle is censored for blood, gore, foul language, excessive dancing, dramatic death scenes, lava burns, violent betrayals, inappropriate uses of Deku nuts, villainous fairies, fistfights between a fairy and a postman, and improper use of cutlery.

Naruto stood stock-still in the exact same place as he was previously, dark blood staining the walls and making the platforms incredibly slippery. Naruto himself was unscathed, and there wasn't a drop of blood on him. Kyuubi was standing in front of him, panting and blood-drenched, still holding a vast array of coloured plastic forks. Eyes darting wildly around the room, he hesitantly tucked the forks away, smirking in self-satisfaction.

"Well, that was an unexpected battle," Kyuubi said, stretching the kinks out of this limbs. "I mean, absolutely nothing went the way I thought it would, huh, twerp? That was the epitome of a climactic fight. Job well done, all around."

Naruto just stared. Kyuubi began to whistle as he made his way towards the exit. "Shouldn't we be going? I can't open doors, remember."

Naruto nodded dumbly and hopped over to the door. It flew open and they walked down the hallway to another fire-platform puzzle.

"Two platforms are on fire this time, but there's only one eye switch," Kyuubi observed. "Try the switch first. Maybe it puts out both."

Naruto tried it. "Nope, dattebayo," he shook his head. "Only the closer one."

"Hop to it anyway, twerp," Kyuubi gave him a slight push. Naruto made a face at the kitsune, but jumped anyway.

"Hey! There's another switch to the side," Naruto observed, drawing his slingshot and firing a single seed. The eye slid shut and the inferno on the other platform went out abruptly. Naruto looked thrilled.

"Did you see that?" he tugged Kyuubi's wing excitedly. "I got it in one shot!"

"Very impressive," Kyuubi humoured him, not pointing out that he was about two feet away from it and it had taken him _this_ long to finally get it in one shot. "Let's keep moving before the eye opens again. Sound good, twerp?"

"Hey," Naruto observed in the next room, "we've been here before, only we were down there," he pointed at the razor traps whizzing lethally along the bottom.

"Check that chest out, kid," Kyuubi urged. "Game logistics say that every dungeon requires the hero to find at least one big item with something necessary to get through the rest of the dungeon."

"It's a Bomb bag!" Naruto said triumphantly, the 'You got an item!' music playing. When it kept playing, Naruto frowned and checked the chest. Looking sheepish, he flicked off a switch on the bottom of the chest, and the music stopped. "Sorry. Forgot."

"Looks like it's made from part of a Dodongo," Kyuubi inspected the bag. "Possibly it's stomach. It can hold about twenty bombs, I'm thinking."

Naruto chucked the bag away, repulsed. "Ew, Dodongo innards."

Kyuubi narrowed his eyes and picked up the bag. "Take the stupid bag, twerp, so we can freaking get going again. Okay?"

"But it's…" Naruto struggled to find the right word, holding the bag up with his fingertips. "…It's icky," he finally decided.

Kyuubi whapped him on the back of the head. "Get over it, you little girl," he snapped. "It's just a bag that can hold explosives."

Naruto's look of disgust didn't go away, but he looked a bit more considering now. "Okay," he agreed sulkily, daintily tucking it into his kunai holster.

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"See, look twerp," Kyuubi smirked, "a perfect opportunity to use your new bombs."

"'Giant dead Dodongo," Naruto read the inscription, "when it sees red, a new way to go will be open.' What in Nayru's name does that mean?"

Kyuubi pointed. "It means you're about to get very jumpy again, twerp. Walk across that rickety looking bridge and drop a bomb off at those holes. They'll probably land on the skull's eye holes."

Naruto tensed. "Rickety bridge," he groaned. "There's no way we could time-lapse this is there?"

"For your dignity, I hope so," Kyuubi sympathized, "and for my sanity."

However, it was more for the sake of the readers that the author decided to put a cut-off line. In all likelihood, they'd be there for a while.

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The skull's jaw lowered robotically into the indent on the platform right below it, revealing a door in the back of it's throat. Naruto and Kyuubi walked along the skull, looking a bit disturbed. Well, Naruto did. Kyuubi looked saddened.

"My skull would've been twice as big as this one," he sulked. "You could've fit an _entire_ dungeon in it. Now, though…I can't even open a door on my own. I feel so pathetically dependent."

"This looks like a straightforward puzzle with no real way to screw it up with a couple of flaming Keese flying around to mildly irritate you if they get too close," Naruto observed with frighteningly uncharacteristic accuracy. He turned to the moping kitsune. "I need your help for this one, Kyuubi."

Kyuubi lit up (quite literally) and hesitantly flitted over to his charge. "You need my help?" he asked cautiously. "Really?"

"Yup," Naruto said seriously. "There's no way I could figure out this puzzle."

And so he and Kyuubi merrily went about solving the puzzle, the readers unaware of whether or not Naruto honestly needed help or wanted to bring Kyuubi out of his sudden slump. Let's just leave them here for now, shall we? Let them solve their little puzzle, unaware of the horrors that lurk next chapter…

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Ha, ha! A horribly written cliffhanger! Has the suspense gotten to you yet?

Feel free to guess about the appearances next chapter! The characters coming up are King Dodongo, the Great Fairy of Power, and probably someone that I'm forgetting!

…How about now? Has the suspense wormed it's way into your brain yet?

No? Nothing? Huh…


	12. Somebody Hasn't Been Getting Any

Disclaimer: To get my point across, I shall now give my disclaimer…in SONG! (Is consulted with) …Oh. Apparently, for the sake of my readers, I'm not supposed to do that, but I can't imagine why…

Thanks to all my new reviewers (**Angelsmiles**, **Time well spent**, **Mikomi-Kiyoko**) and faithful reviewers (**kuroiryuu**, **Darkness Embers**, **Gorion1928**). Of course, I also thank the others who I reviewed that I'm just too lazy to put in here. You guys know who you are, and I love you too.

King Dodongo's here, people! I considered Chouji for that role, but I like Chouji! I can't just knock him off after one chapter!

And sorry – I finished this a while ago, but due to errors, I couldn't submit it! (Pouts)

(Singing) On with the show, this is it! (Tap dances off, dodging fruit and vegetables)

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"This is it, twerp," Kyuubi said, patting Naruto on the back encouragingly as the blonde adjusted his boxing gloves, blowing dust off them and punching his fists periodically. "The biggest match of your career so far. How you feeling?"

"I feel like I can do this, coach," Naruto's eyes shone with determination as he began to bounce in place, punching the air for practice.

"That's good, because this will be one of the easiest boss battles you'll be having for a while," Kyuubi muttered, tossing Naruto a water bottle. Naruto downed it quickly and tossed it aside, crushing it simultaneously.

"Just put a bomb on that cracked part of the floor and that ought to lead to the boss," Kyuubi advised. "I recommend you take off your gloves, too. Fighting with a sword tends to be difficult when your hands are padded."

Naruto looked at his fists and looked back up at the fairy. "But I just managed to get them on," he whined. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and swiftly ripped them off and in half in a blur. He held up the shredded gloves in one hand, his spoon in the other.

"Can we go now?" he asked with a pointed look. Naruto gulped and reached for his bomb bag.

"We have about eight flashes until it goes off," Naruto said, ducking and covering himself with his shield. "When it does, we can look down the hole and properly assess the -"

BOOM. The floor crumbled underneath the blast. Naruto ignored it. "So, as I was saying…"

"Kid, hate to burst your little bubble, but look down," Kyuubi sniggered. Naruto tilted his head and gasped.

"Oh, fu -"

Naruto fell unceremoniously flat on his back, stars flashing underneath his eyelids. He cracked one blue orb open, waiting for it to focus. His eyes watered as he watched Kyuubi drift lazily down, snickering.

"I thought that only happened in cartoons," he said hoarsely. The fairy shrugged helplessly.

"This is a game. It's the closest thing we'll ever get to," Kyuubi tugged on Naruto's hat in a feeble attempt to help him up. "Now, I recommend standing up and saying hello to the nice giant Dodongo whose roof you just busted."

Naruto scrambled frantically to his feet, adjusting his hat and he looked _way_ up at the monstrous creature staring down at him, it's footsteps shaking the floor with each step.

"Aren't y-you that fat guy from the Sound Five?" he stuttered, tweaking the zipper on his sweat suit nervously. Jiroubou scowled and stamped a few more times for effect.

"I ARE JIROUBOU, KING DODONGO!" he bellowed.

"Ah, ah! Bad grammar," Kyuubi couldn't help chiding. Jiroubou roared angrily, the title 'Infernal Dinosaur; King Dodongo' flashing unnecessarily at the bottom of the screen.

"This is going to sound nuts, twerp, but stick close to the lava!" Kyuubi hollered instructions over Jiroubou's roaring. Naruto looked at the fairy as if he were insane.

"You're right, that sounds nuts," he yelled back, as Jiroubou curled into a ball and began to roll across the ground, avoiding the massive lava pit in the center. The pit in which, amazingly, Naruto managed to avoid landing in when he fell.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Just trust me, twerp! Who's the one who read the Guidebook, huh?"

Naruto blinked and began to consider this. Jiroubou rolled closer and closer. Kyuubi yelled something incomprehensible even to himself and tugged his charge out of the way. Naruto looked shocked.

"You saved me," he said, dumbfounded. Then he looked at where he was standing and comprehension dawned on him. "Oh! He can't hit when he's rolling when I'm by the lava!"

"Good job, twerp," Kyuubi congratulated dryly. "Now chase after him, and have your bomb bag ready."

Naruto shrugged and obeyed, having a little more confidence now in Kyuubi's insane methods. Well, to Naruto they were insane methods, but we know it as strategy, a concept Naruto was unfamiliar with.

Jiroubou stopped rolling and turned around, opening his mouth wide and breathing in, getting ready to spew fire. Panicking, Naruto accidentally did something intelligent and chucked a bomb at him. It landed right in Jiroubou's large mouth, and the fat Sound ninja blinked stupidly. He began to chew, slowly and pensively at first, but gaining speed and enthusiasm. He swallowed with a wide, insipid grin on his face until it exploded halfway to his stomach.

"Hit him!" Kyuubi commanded as Jiroubou fell down, eyes turning into comical animated swirls. Naruto drew his sword and slashed his opponent. Rather than bleed and die like someone actually would, Jiroubou flashed red and got back up after a ridiculously short period of recovery time.

"Jiroubou angry now!" the Sound ninja fumed, cracking his knuckles. Kyuubi shook his head.

"Jiroubou _is_ angry now!" Kyuubi corrected. "Try saying a proper sentence once in a while!"

Jiroubou snorted, smoke curling up from his nostrils. "Jiroubou no like annoying fairy!" he announced, curling back up into a ball.

"Oh, I'm _crushed_," Kyuubi said sarcastically, filing his nails and whistling along with the boss battle music as he drifted above the lava. "You know, all my life I just wanted to be liked, especially by fat evil minions who can't speak properly to save his life."

Naruto tossed another bomb at Jiroubou, who was attempting to ready himself for another attack. "You know, this fight isn't so scary," he said, looking kind of perplexed. "Are all of them going to be this easy?"

"They might've been before," Kyuubi mentioned casually, "but you have heard of jinxing and irony, haven't you?"

Naruto slashed the Sound ninja as he fell, and Jiroubou got back to his feet with a furious roar. "What does that have to do -"

Naruto was sent flying as Jiroubou rolled past again, landing about halfway into the lava pit. The blonde leapt up, screaming like a little girl, as he began to roll around on the ground to put out his flaming hat. Kyuubi piped up helpfully, "Like that. That was a decent example of irony."

Naruto panted, wincing as he patted the charred pixels of his hat. "Irony sucks," he declared, grimacing.

"Better get used to it, brat," Kyuubi snorted. "Irony tends to be a favorite method of torture by malicious Goddesses. It's also a literary device. Neither of those uses mean good things for us."

"JIROUBOU SMASH! JIROUBOU WIN!" Jiroubou continued to yell moronically in the background. Kyuubi jerked a thumb in his direction.

"Don't suppose you care to finish this?" he asked with a false sweetness. Naruto sighed and dragged his feet over to Jiroubou, who was, luckily, _still_ charging to let loose a fire blast. Naruto went for his bomb bag just as the Sound ninja finally let loose a huge stream of fire.

Naruto coughed ask out of his lungs as hurried over to the lava pit as Jiroubou began to roll again. "I really hate irony," he sputtered, patting out his singed sleeve. "Are we done with it by now?"

"I hope so kid," Kyuubi said consolingly.

"Another thing I don't get," Naruto began as the pixels of his clothing began to reform. "We get flung into the lava pit, but Jiroubou, who is rolling around like an idiot and can't see where he's going, never comes close to it. How is that even fair?"

At that moment, Jiroubou veered off course, straight into the lava. Isn't it ironic?

"RAGH! NO! JIROUBOU NO DIE, JIROUBOU NO DIE!" he bellowed desperately as he was sucked under the molten rock. He tossed his head back and reached out an arm, trying to grab onto to something, _anything_ that could possibly save his life. His struggling movements slowed as the lava began to choke off breathing, crushing his chest with heat and finally slowing him to a stop. Jiroubou let out a shuddering gasp.

"My…only regret…was that…I was in…this parody," he choked, before finally becoming still. His eyes closed and became little X's, and his tongue dropped from the corner of his mouth. The lava hardened, becoming solid rock and trapping his corpse there.

Naruto and Kyuubi stared.

"What a way to kill a comedic mood," Naruto said blankly. Kyuubi said nothing.

"I mean, he was a real, living – scratch that, Chouji killed him – he was _once_ a real, living ninja in our world," Naruto slowly brought himself down into a sitting position, "and we killed him for the sake of a _parody_. What does that make us? Are we as bad as the monsters we kill?" he looked up at the still-silent fairy. "Kyuubi?"

"I'm sorry," he managed to choke out before he lost himself in laughter, chuckling hysterically. The raucous guffawing reverberated off the walls, and he fell on the ground, holding his stomach and rolling around, carelessly forgetting to be careful of his wings as he did so. Naruto pinned one with his index finger.

"Wow, Kyuubi," he shook his head. "Just…wow. You really are a jerk."

Kyuubi's laughter died down, but he was still giggling softly. "I'm sorry," he held up a hand and shrugged. "It's in my nature to laugh at death, but…some _on!_ That was _so_ bad! I think I'm finally getting why readers and Goddesses get such a kick out this irony… Besides, twerp," he nudged Naruto's arm. "Remember _last_ boss battle? Remember how big and cool and dramatic _that_ was? I don't see how the author even tried to hold a candle to it! That's part of what's so funny."

Naruto gave a small smile. "I guess that part's true," he admitted. "It's still kind of tacky, though. I mean, would you laugh at a funeral?"

"Depends on whose it is," Kyuubi responded automatically. "For example, the _post man_…"

"No, Kyuubi!" Naruto chastised. "You don't laugh at funerals! You shouldn't laugh at death! One day you'll die, after all – will it be so funny then?"

"Again, depends on the death," Kyuubi insisted. "Now, for instance, if I die by slipping on a banana peel and falling into a manhole, that's funny!"

Naruto threw up his hands in disgust. "I give up. You're all sick."

Kyuubi began whistling an upbeat tune slightly off-key as Naruto grabbed the heart container gingerly.

"What I want to know is where these hearts come from," he said, turning slightly green. Kyuubi pointed his nail file at Jiroubou wordlessly. He returned to his task of filing his claws, satisfied with Naruto's ashen expression.

"Out we go, now, twerp," Kyuubi said, dragging Naruto and the heart container over to the portal.

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Naruto and Kyuubi phased down in front of Dodongo's Cavern, where the boulder used to block the entrance. Naruto was looking around confusedly for the heart container, not noticing the extra heart where his health bar was at the top of the screen. A sound like a torpedo reached Kyuubi's sensitive ears, the only warning they got before –

THUNK. Jiraiya landed roughly an inch away from where Naruto was standing. The blonde took a couple of steps back, reeling. Jiraiya laughed heartily.

"It's me, Darunia!" he announced unnecessarily. "Well done! Thanks to you, we can once again eat the delicious rocks of Dodongo's Cavern!"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto grumbled. "I hope you know I risked my life, ero-sennin! I could've been killed in there! How could you send a _kid_ inside that place instead of take care of it yourself?"

"I'm not allowed out of Goron City, since I'm Big Brother and all," the Sannin shrugged. Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"You're out here now," he noted, lifting one disbelieving eyebrow. Jiraiya coughed.

"I have lines to say," he said pointedly. Naruto rolled his eyes, and Jiraiya took it as his cue to continue. "What a wild adventure that was!" he paused, and a familiar smirk broke out on his face as he said gleefully, "It'll make a _great_ story…"

"No way!" Naruto yelled. "You are _not_ putting me in one of your perverted books, ero-sennin!"

"It won't be you," Jiraiya protested. "It'll be someone with a different look, and a different name. It won't be anything like you."

Naruto's eyes narrowed threateningly. "If you put me in one of your books, I'll tell Old Lady Tsunade," he threatened.

Jiraiya froze, a look of terror on his face. He kneeled down so his face was level to Naruto's and muttered, "I don't mention the book again and Tsunade never catches wind of this. Deal?"

Naruto was about to agree when Kyuubi clapped a hand over his charge's mouth. "No deal. Give us the Spiritual Stone," he smirked.

Jiraiya's eyes narrowed. "I already said I would if you killed off the Dodongos," he said. Kyuubi shrugged.

"A little insurance never hurt anyone," he said, hand extended. "The Stone?"

Jiraiya fished around for it, giving Naruto and Kyuubi a grin. "You know, you two are alright. Naruto, I say we become Sworn Brothers."

"Sworn Brothers?" Naruto repeated.

"Yeah," Jiraiya nodded. "I always wanted a little brother. We can check out babes, I can teach you all the right lessons in life…"

"We already end up doing that, ero-sennin," Naruto smacked his forehead. "Usually when I'm supposed to be training…"

"Whatever," Jiraiya shrugged. "What I mean is, we become Sworn Brothers which kind of means you're an unofficial Goron. I understand if you don't want to be one, because being a Goron _sucks._ If I go another day without women, I _will_ go crazy."

"Fine, we'll be Sworn Brothers," Naruto sighed. "Do I have to do anything?"

"No," Jiraiya chuckled. "Just take this as a token of our friendship!"

He held out a bright red stone that was a familiar shape. The Sand ninja symbol shimmered in the sunlight as Naruto held it up to look at it. The music played triumphantly in the background as Naruto tucked the Stone away.

"Brother," Jiraiya said seriously, pointing up Death Mountain Trail, "You should go up the trail to see the Great Fairy. I also feel it's only right that I accompany you, as the trail up is perilous and full of danger."

Naruto blinked, while Kyuubi just gave him a skeptical look. Jiraiya recoiled slightly under their scrutiny until he finally broke. He gave them a pleading look. "Come on! What part of _no women_ don't you two understand?"

"You stay here," Kyuubi instructed. Jiraiya drooped.

"Fine then," he snapped. "But you aren't leaving until your new Goron Brothers see you off!" he snapped his fingers and two more Gorons dropped from nowhere.

"Good work, Brother!" the first Goron said, advancing with his arms thrown wide open.

"How about a big Goron bear hug for good luck?" the other Goron said, also advancing. Naruto's eyes flew open wide and he began to step back.

"Good god, no…" he gasped. "Stay away! Just stay away, you…you…" He backed up into another Goron, who turned around with his arms wide apart.

"No," Naruto said, breaking into a full run up the trail. "No! _NO!_ AAAAAH!"

Jiraiya gave a self-satisfied chuckle as he watched the blonde run, Kyuubi trailing behind and covering the rear, brandishing a spoon at the Gorons in their wake.

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"Hey, Kyuubi," Naruto said thoughtfully, tossing a bomb at the boulder blocking his way, "you're a fairy, right?"

Kyuubi looked awed and began to clap. "And it only took you this long to realize it! Good job, dead last!"

Off screen, Sasuke was overheard complaining about an insult-stealing kitsune, Genma and Raidou trying fruitlessly to calm him.

"I'm already in a dress," Sasuke warned. "Messing with me right now is something you'll _really_ regret."

Genma gulped, and Raidou muttered into his walkie-talkie, "We're going need back up. Get Kakashi over here, would you? The Princess is throwing a bitch-fit…"

"I AM NOT THROWING A BITCH-FIT!"

"For god's sake, man, _send Kakashi_," Genma pleaded, grabbing Raidou's walkie-talkie. "Why the hell were we chosen for this?"

Back on screen, Kyuubi and Naruto were happily oblivious to the goings-on backstage. Naruto scowled at the kitsune, but went on, "Well, do you know anything about this Great Fairy?"

"I know that the one on this mountain is the Great Fairy of Power," Kyuubi said. "Other than that, I don't know any more than you do. Wait…actually, let me rephrase; I don't more any more about the Great Fairy than you do."

Naruto tried to carry on his conversation, despite the huge chunks of flaming rock being pelted at him from the sky. "Well, who do we know that could've been cast in that role?"

"Maybe no one's in that role," he said. "It's possible the Great Fairy is actually just the Great Fairy. For our sake, though, I hope not."

"What do you mean?" Naruto inquired, now killing Skulltulas on the wall with his slingshot.

"The original Great Fairies were…well, as ugly as hell," Kyuubi said frankly. "They were probably the freakiest looking things you could possibly imagine. They made King Dodongo look sexy."

Naruto turned green. "Oh, Din…"

"I guess we can only hope that the author's casting director chose someone for that role, but it's unlikely," Kyuubi shook his head helplessly. "It's not that big of a role."

Naruto began to pray inwardly as he reached the top of the wall. A familiar hooting sound greeted him.

"Greetings, Naruto!" Rock Lee hooted. "You have done very well to have come this far! I'm sure your sensei must be very proud!"

"Ero-sennin?" Naruto snorted. "He's the one who chased me up here."

"I was referring to Kakashi-sensei, actually, the friendly rival of my own wonderful Gai-sensei!" Lee corrected. "However, I have more lines to say to you at this time! Please listen assiduously!"

"'Kay," Naruto yawned and sat down, stretching his legs.

"YOSH! I shall begin! This is the summit of the sacred Death Mountain!" Lee hooted joyfully. "It is said that the clouds surrounding this peak reflect the condition of Death Mountain. When they look normal, it is at peace! However, if the clouds should ever change shape, it is a sign that something most evil lurks in the depths of the mountain!"

"Summit, clouds, evil," Naruto ticked them off on his fingers. "Got it all so far."

"Now, Naruto, you must go see the Great Fairy of Power, who lurks behind that bomb-able wall! She will bestow upon you a technique of ultimate power!"

Kyuubi began to rub his hands together. "That's the most promising thing I've heard all day. Let's get going, twerp."

"I shall wait here for you, Naruto, and take you back down to the village if you wish!" Lee cooed. "It is the least I can do to assist a great friend such as yourself!"

"Yeah, okay," Naruto waved a hand and set a bomb down in front of the wall. "By the way… Lee, I don't suppose you know what this Great Fairy looks like?"

"Oh, no, Naruto!" Lee ruffled his feathers. "To gaze upon one such as the Great Fairy is an honour I have yet to receive! Good luck, Naruto!"

"I might end up needing it," Naruto murmured. Kyuubi patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"Relax kid," Kyuubi advised. "We've been out of the fire and into the frying pan before. This can't be any worse, right?"

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Rainbow-coloured sparkles rained down on all sides of the room, and imaginary wind sent ripples throughout the crystalline pool. A golden Triforce was on the ground at the top of a shallow set of stairs. Naruto ventured forward nervously.

"The Triforce usually means you're supposed to prove you have some kind of connection to the Royal Family," Kyuubi said helpfully. Naruto shrugged.

"Well, I don't have anything like that, too bad, let's go," he turned to go but was stopped as Kyuubi tugged on his hat.

"Just get it over with," the kitsune pleaded. Or he would've pleaded, if he didn't have more dignity than that. He's Kyuubi, after all. "Play the damn Lullaby, get the technique of ultimate power, and then we can go."

Naruto hesitated and brought the Ocarina out reluctantly. He played the three simple notes twice, and Zelda's Lullaby echoed throughout the cavern.

A familiar sounding giggle came from nowhere, and Naruto's eyes went huge. "That sounds like -"

Familiar brassy music started up as the Great Fairy of Power appeared in the middle of the pool, conveniently positioned steam rising and covering her naked body. She flipped a blonde pigtail over her shoulder and winked.

"Hi!" she giggled, waving a hand cutely. Naruto picked his jaw up off the floor.

"B-But – you're _me!_" he stuttered. "Normally, that's not weird, but I'm not a ninja in this world!"

"You can't question the author," The Sexy no Jutsu clone shrugged. "In Hyrule, I'm the Great Fairy of Power! I'm going to give you a new sword technique! Have fun with it, 'kay?"

Naruto read the dialogue box at the bottom of the screen. "You mastered the secret technique of the Spin Attack. Hold B to charge your weapon, and release B to unleash a wave of energy with your spin. If you want to release energy without charging your weapon, just rotate the analog stick once and press B for a very effective quick spin. By the way Naruto, your fairy is out cold." Naruto looked startled. "Kyuubi?"

Kyuubi made a dazed sound from where he was half-fainted on the ground, a puddle of blood forming around him sprouting from his nose. Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"You've got to be kidding," he said, monotone. Kyuubi raised his head slightly.

"It's been centuries, okay, twerp?" he snapped. "You don't tend to be popular with the ladies when you destroy villages for a living."

The Sexy no Jutsu clone tittered behind a hand. "When you charge power for a Spin Attack, magic power will be consumed. Pay attention to your green Magic Meter, okay?" she winked.

Naruto nodded, and she continued, "Now that _that's_ out the way, I want to talk to you boys!"

A wide grin broke out on Kyuubi's face. "Hee-_yaw_!"

Naruto smacked him. "Pervert! That's practically me!"

"You're a messenger of the Royal Family, aren't you?" The Sexy no Jutsu clone asked, cocking her head to one side cutely. "Next time you're in their neighborhood, you should drop in on a friend of mine who lives by Hyrule Castle! She'll surely grant you another new power!" She winked. "When battle has made you weary, feel free to drop by, 'kay? I can heal you up!"

"Thanks," Naruto said before Kyuubi could say anything. The kitsune looked slightly put out. "We'll do that."

"See you around!" she said seductively before disappearing again into the water.

Kyuubi turned to Naruto, opening his mouth to say something, but Naruto headed him off. "Yes, Kyuubi? Something you want to say?" he gave him a dangerous look.

Kyuubi wisely closed his mouth. "Nothing."

"Good," Naruto turned around and headed for the exit. Kyuubi shook his head, knitting his brow in frustration.

"Honestly…he's worse than a damn guard dog…"

Somewhere off screen, Kiba sneezed.

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YOSH! Another chapter finished, another mini-saga finished! That's right, guys, no more Death Mountain for while! Coming up next is the famous Bean Seller, King Zora, that old professor guy in the Research Lab in Lake Hylia, and the Scarecrows! Any guesses for those somewhat-important people?

Guesses are fun!


	13. It's All Just Business

**D** is for Don't own Naruto.

**I** is for Is it true?

**S** is for Sure is, readers.

**C **is for Can it really be?

**L** is for Lying is bad.

**A** is for Amazing how many weird disclaimers I can come up with.

**I **is for Imagination is dangerous is lackofname's hands.

**M** is for More chapters with disclaimers in the future.

**E** is for Everyone review!

**R** is for Really, was all that necessary?

Just so everyone knows…when it comes to this parody, we're in for a _long_ ride. So, please buckle your seatbelts and read safely.

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Dawn was once again beginning to break over the peaceful rolling plains of Hyrule field. At least, normally, they would be peaceful. In most areas, all was still, with the exception of the slowly lowering drawbridge of Hyrule castle. It fell into place with a loud noise, and the music began to play in the background.

As this happened, a blonde-haired boy was running by at full speed, a glowing red orb trailing behind. Chasing after them were several Stalchildren, clambering to get to the running boy. As the sun peeked over the horizon, they shrieked and promptly fell apart, returning to the soil. Naruto panted and doubled over, propping himself up with his hands on his knees.

"I…_hate_…the…author…dattebayo," he wheezed. "Why couldn't…she just make…me play the Sun's…Song?"

"That's the way the cookie bounces sometimes, kid," Kyuubi sympathised. "Take, for instance, her unexplained vendetta against me. The Princess is another good example. As far as I'm concerned, you have it relatively good."

"How so?" Naruto snorted, skepticism written all over his face. Incidentally, it was written in thick black marker, for those who are interested.

"You aren't dead yet," Kyuubi replied smoothly. Naruto groaned and fell over.

"Relax, twerp," Kyuubi patted his head. "Get up and let's get going to the next dungeon."

"Hey, who knows," Naruto brightened, "maybe I won't have to do a dungeon this time! Maybe they'll just give me the Stone!"

Kyuubi blinked. "Oh, that's just sad. It's nice that you're being optimistic, but I'm on the brink of tears here."

"There's one problem, though," Naruto frowned, not hearing the fairy, "I don't actually know where the next Stone is. Any ideas?"

"I don't know," Kyuubi lied, filing his nails. "Ask Zelda. Or you could call Saria, she might know."

"Good idea!" Naruto enthused, bringing out his Ocarina. "I haven't talked to Sakura in ages!" He played Saria's Song.

"Alright, I'll patch you through," Kyuubi closed his eyes. Naruto furrowed his brow.

"What do you mean, patch me through?"

"Spiritual Fairy Powers," Kyuubi explained. "The song can't work without them."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. Kyuubi sighed. "The sounds we make are so high-frequency that it forms some kind of electric Hyper-speed connection circuit, okay?" he snapped defensively. "Leave me alone. I hate being a fairy."

"I knew there was a reason I got ringing in my ears when you talk," Naruto said thoughtfully as Kyuubi did a very good impression of a dial tone. When he began to ring, Naruto looked at him strangely.

"Hello, Saria's House of Sin, how may I help you?" a voice said sweetly from the other end. Naruto's mouth dropped open.

"Uh…did I get the right number, dattebayo? Is Sakura there?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes, but she comes in high demand, so you'll have to pay extra," the voice said, but paused. "Wait…I don't suppose this is Naruto, is it?"

"Yeah," Naruto replied.

"Oh, good! Saria really want to talk to you! Please hold," she said cheerily, and the waiting music started up. It sounded a lot like an elevator remix of Saria's Song. Naruto took the opportunity to study Kyuubi carefully. The music seemed to be coming from his open mouth, and his eyes were crossed.

"Naruto?" Sakura's voice rang right into Naruto's ear, and the blonde fell backwards.

"Ow…" he winced. "Sakura? Is that you?"

"Yes!" Sakura answered joyfully. "It's really good to hear from you!"

"Uh…What's Saria's House of Sin?" Naruto inquired. The other end of the line went silent. "Sakura? Are you still there?"

"Yeah," she hurried to answer. "So, uh, what did you call for?"

"Oh, yeah," he remembered. "Do you know anything about the last Spiritual Stone? I found the one on Death Mountain already."

"Oh, so you only have one left? That's great!" Sakura congratulated, and Naruto beamed. "I think the lat one is the Spiritual Stone of Water. King Zora, the leader of the Zoras, is probably the one who has it. That's what the Deku Tree told me before he…passed on."

"Okay!" Naruto said, not noticing how sad his friend sounded. Then he hesitated before asking, "Hey, Sakura? What are you wearing right now?"

"Naruto!" she sounded scandalized. "I didn't think you were calling for _that!_ And if you are, don't think I'm giving you a discount because we're friends! This call is costing me money!"

"No, I didn't mean it like that!" Naruto panicked. "I mean…last time I saw you, you couldn't make up your mind between wearing pink or green. Did you decide?"

"Oh," she sounded surprised. "Well…no. I'm wearing a green shirt with a pink skirt. I still can't decide…"

"Oh, well. Good luck deciding, Sakura! I have to go!" Naruto studied his fairy. "Kyuubi's eyes are starting the crust over, and it's not pretty."

"Alright! I'll see you later, Naruto!" Sakura said, and hung up. Naruto did the same, and the fairy shook his head, his eyes still a bit crossed.

"I _really_ hate being a fairy," Kyuubi muttered. "Where to now, twerp?"

"Do you know where the Zoras live?" Naruto asked immediately. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"In Zora's Domain, at the end of Zora's River, which would be _this_ river right here," Kyuubi answered slowly.

Naruto blinked. "Oh."

Kyuubi pushed him in unceremoniously, showing an incredible amount of strength for a floating light bulb. "Let's get going, shall we?"

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"Hello once again, Naruto! It is I, Kaepora Gaebora!" Rock Lee hooted from up his perch. "I have yet another speech to deliver, so please give me your full attention as I go on with my speech, fuelled by the springtime of YOUTH!"

Naruto and Kyuubi stared up at him dumbly. Lee took no notice as he began his lines.

"Just ahead lies Zora's Domain! The Zoras serve Hyrule's Royal Family by protecting this water source, the majestic Zora's River! Their door will not open for anyone except those who have some connection with the Royal Family. Thus, you must prove your connection to the Princess Zelda!"

"…That had nothing to do with youth," Kyuubi pointed out, Naruto nodding in agreement. Lee looked stricken.

"Nothing…youth…I…YOSH!" he yelled randomly as a feeble attempt to cover his confusion. "I have completed my speech! Farewell for now, Naruto!" he took off, hooting as usual, but not with his usual exuberance. Naruto poked Kyuubi.

"I think you scarred him for life, dattebayo," Naruto said accusingly. Kyuubi shrugged.

"I do it all the time," he said modestly. "Now let's go see the strange man who's trying to get our attention, hmm?" he pointed at a familiar looking bushy-haired man eating beans from a sack. Naruto went over.

"Hello!" the man said through a mouthful, "Name's Chouza Akimichi, Chouji's dad. Care to but some of my magic beans? They aren't very popular yet, so they're only ten rupees."

"Should you really be eating your merchandise?" Kyuubi asked as Naruto fished around for his wallet. Chouza shrugged.

"Why not? This way, it basically guarantees that you can only by a total of ten of them," he said reasonably. Kyuubi mulled this over.

"You have a point," the fairy said finally.

"Here's ten rupees," Naruto held out the shiny crystal-like currency. "Give me one those bean things."

"Oh, that's polite," Chouza said sarcastically, tossing him a bean. Naruto scrutinized it with complete fascination.

"It's so pretty," he said, awed. "Look at the pretty colours…"

"It sickens me how easily entertained you are," Kyuubi said dully. Naruto brought out another ten rupees and handed them to the other man.

"I'll take another one," he said, but Chouza shook his head.

"Sorry, kid, they're twenty rupees for one," he said. "Supply and demand, you know?"

"That's bullshit!" Kyuubi squawked indignantly. "I don't care about your stupid beans, but I don't like getting ripped off!"

"Look, I can't help it our stock is getting lower," Chouza sighed. "It's only natural that I raise my profits a little. If anything, you're lucky I only doubled the price! My sales went up one-hundred percent, after all!"

Naruto grumbled a bit and handed him another ten rupees. He stared at the new bean with equal fascination as the last. "I want another one," he said excitedly. Kyuubi smacked his forehead, trying to fight the tick that was threatening to go off in his eye.

"Thirty rupees," Chouza stuck out a hand. Naruto's jaw dropped and he was about to protest, but Chouza cut him off. "If you think it's unfair, go into business, kid. Then you'll understand."

Naruto looked outraged, but Kyuubi simply shook his head and began to drag him off. "Come on, kid. It's not worth it. Besides…" he gave Chouza a vicious smile, "He'll get his."

Chouza blanched and began shoveling the beans into his mouth nervously. Kyuubi smirked.

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"Hey, check it out," Naruto leaned over to look down into the water, standing on a log. "There's a bunch of frogs staring at me."

The frogs in the water stared up at Naruto. He stared back. This went on for a good five minutes before Kyuubi began to lose his patience.

"Oh, for Nayru's sake," he said irritably, finally losing it and shoving him into the water. Naruto rushed downstream, screaming bloody murder.

"BLOODY MURDER!" Naruto shrieked. "Damn it, Kyuubi! You jerk!"

Kyuubi began to go after him, a few of the frogs surfacing to watch.

"That Naruto kid really is strange," the first frog said, shaking his amphibian head.

"Forget him, Gamatatsu," the other said. "Let's go back to floating aimlessly underneath the log until someone with an ocarina decides to play a song for us."

"Good call, Gamakitchi," Gamatatsu said, and they dived.

Meanwhile, Naruto had gone so far downstream he was nearby Hyrule Castle again. Kyuubi flitted around his head.

"Good work, Kyuubi," Naruto grumbled. Kyuubi snorted.

"Right, it's _my_ fault," he spat. "I try to look out for what's best for you, and rather than thank me, you blame me. Isn't that just how it always goes…"

Naruto attempted to say something else, but only burbled as water lapped up over his head as he swam back up Zora River. He climbed out of the water, shaking himself like a dog.

Kiba growled off stage, whining to Shino, "I'm getting really sick of all the dog references! They aren't _animals!_"

Shino looked at him strangely. "Yes, they are."

Finding his logic undeniable, Kiba simply pouted, Akamaru mimicking him in a strange canine way at his heels.

Naruto froze suddenly, pointing up at the giant owl with massive eyebrows perching at the entrance. "What's he doing here _again?_"

"Hello once again, Naruto! It is I, Kaepora Gaebora!" Rock Lee said again, just as he had before. "I have yet another speech to deliver, so please give me your full attention as I go on with my speech, fuelled by the springtime of YOUTH!"

"What the hell…?" Naruto muttered. Kyuubi bowed his head in respect.

"He's gone, Naruto," he said sadly. "He lost out to the game script."

Naruto's eyes could've rivaled the size of dinner plates. Lee began to say his speech again, happily oblivious to what was happening.

"Just ahead lies Zora's Domain! The Zoras serve Hyrule's Royal Family by protecting this water source, the majestic Zora's River! Their door will not open…" Rock Lee rambled, not registering Naruto clenching his head, murmuring about 'Make the annoying go away' and Kyuubi struggling with himself a he alternately reached for his fork and spoon.

"…to Princess Zelda!" Rock Lee paused momentarily, waiting for Naruto or Kyuubi to say something. When they didn't he flashed the screen a 'good guy pose. "I have completed my speech! Farewell for now, Naruto!" he flapped away, hooting happily.

Once he was gone, Naruto gave Kyuubi a look out of the corners of his eyes. "So, what did we learn about pushing me into the river?" he asked smugly.

"Shut up, twerp."

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The waterfall roared in Naruto's ears as he stood in front of it, looking dismal. Kyuubi was actually _on the ground_, reading the inscription below Naruto's feet. That's right, Kyuubi lowered his dignity enough to touch the ground. Everyone, a moment of silence in his honour, if you would.

"'Sleepless Waterfall," Kyuubi read, "The flow of this waterfall serves the King of Hyrule. When the King slumbers, so too do these falls.' What the hell does _that _mean?"

"Slumber…like sleep," Naruto mused pensively. "Like Zelda's Lullaby. I have to prove my connection to the Royal Family by playing the Lullaby, I bet. The inscription and what Fuzzy Eyebrows' said matches up."

Kyuubi gaped for a moment and shook his head to clear it. "You're losing your grip, Kyuubi, old boy," he muttered. "The twerp couldn't have figured it out before you. You must have imagined it. No…you must have come _up_ with it in the first place. Yes… that must be it…"

Naruto played Zelda's Lullaby, the 'You did something right!' music following it closely as the waterfall parted in the center. Naruto hopped through, Kyuubi following lose behind, still talking to himself in a low voice.

As usual, the screen showed a nice view of Zora's Domain, the tall fish people floating lazily across the water being churned by a tall waterfall, and yet there was a serene beauty about the place.

"I bet this place would look really pretty if it was all icy, too," Naruto said thoughtfully. A nearby Zora laughed.

"I should hope not! All us Zoras would die off if that happened!"

"Lucky thing that won't happen, huh?" the two of them laughed heartily and the Zora dived back in the water. Naruto turned back to Kyuubi. "Where do you think this King Zora guy is?"

"Probably in that room," the fairy responded, snapping out of his reverie and pointing to the room with bright neon signs saying 'King Zora found here! All evil sorcerers, please do not enter!'

"That looks promising," Naruto made his way over, walking up the thin walkway.

Chouji Akimichi sat atop a large podium, munching on potato chips and looking worried. Naruto entered with Kyuubi, and did a double take before grinning.

"Hey, Chouji! How's it going? You're in this too?" Naruto beamed widely, but frowned when Chouji ignored him.

"Read the sign, twerp," Kyuubi indicated the sign by a small platform.

"Talk to the King on the platform, you idiot," Naruto read. "He will ignore you otherwise. We're not sure why, either." The blonde shrugged and stepped onto the platform. "Hey, King Chouji!"

"Oh, man…Princess Ruto's gone…" Chouji fretted. "Where could she have gone? I'm so worried…" he frowned. "Well, not really. But I'm supposed to be, I think."

Naruto blinked. "Okay then."

Chouji looked at him. "I'm not saying anything else useful, you know," he said pointedly. "You can go now."

"Oh," Naruto hopped off the platform. "See you Chouji!"

Chouji ignored him. Naruto stepped back on the platform. "Bye, Chouji!" he repeated.

"That's King Zora!" he called as Naruto left.

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"Since the author was too lazy to describe the diving game, teleporting to Lake Hylia, meeting Bonooru and Pierre, and meeting that old creepy Scientist guy who likes to watch you swim, we'll recap," Kyuubi said, the entire screen frozen in black-and-white except for him. "Naruto won the diving game and got the Zora scale, which allows the user to dive deeper."

He indicated the two 'scarecrows', one in mid-cough and the other just standing there, looking bored. "The scarecrow who can remember any song, Bonooru, turned out to be the examiner Hayate, and Pierre, the would-be traveling scarecrow is some Jounin named Aoba. Don't worry, I don't know who he is either."

The scene switched to the old Scientist's lakeside house. "The guy who lives here is some old guy by the name of Homura Mitokado. He's some kind of village elder from Fire country. All in all…" he sighed. "We're getting desperate for characters to use."

The scene behind him became normal again, and Naruto yelled from the lake, "Kyuubi! I found something in the water!"

"That's nice, twerp," Kyuubi called back wearily. "Now, don't touch it until mommy comes over to see if it's safe, okay?"

"Okay!" Naruto called back. Kyuubi tiredly went over to Naruto, who pointed at something on the bottom of the lake. "I think I can reach it!" he said excitedly. "Can I get it, Kyuubi, can I?"

"Sure, twerp," Kyuubi said. "Just don't kill yourself. That would make me lose everything I've worked for this far, and that would piss me off."

Naruto dived for the item at the bottom, Kyuubi watching with little interest. The blonde grabbed it and promptly resurfaced. "It's an empty bottle with a note inside!" he said excitedly. "Maybe it's a treasure map! Do you think it belonged to pirates?"

"I think you're an idiot and that an empty bottle isn't empty if it has something in it," Kyuubi drawled. "If you're so eager, then read it."

Naruto swam over to land and uncorked to bottle, shaking out the message and uncurling it to read.

"To Whoever Finds This Letter," he read, "Haul your ass over to Lord Jabu-Jabu and get me the hell out of here! That bastard deity swallowed me when I was trying to feed him. If you don't come rescue me, I'll have you executed. Kisses, Princess Ruto of the Zoras. P.S., Don't tell my father."

"Sounds like a sweet girl," Kyuubi said lightly. "So, do we chuck it and pretend we never found it?"

"Are you nuts, Kyuubi?" Naruto gasped, clutching the bottle to his chest. "If we don't rescue her, she'll execute us! It says so in her letter!"

Kyuubi's eyes narrowed. "And how, pray tell, is she supposed to that if she's being digested by a giant fish god?"

Naruto blinked confusedly. "Uh…I don't know! But I promised Chouji I'd find her, and I don't go back on my word, dattebayo! It's my way of the ninja!"

"You never promised Chouji anything," Kyuubi cocked an eyebrow. Naruto grabbed Kyuubi's script and began scribbling something in with a pen.

"See! Yes, I did, right there!" he pointed at his untidy scrawl.

Kyuubi just stared. "Do you just enjoy making life harder for the both of us? Is that it?"

Naruto looked sheepish. "Uh, it's all for the fans?"

Kyuubi's eyes became slits and he sighed. "I hate it when he quotes _me_…it goes against what morals I have to argue my own logic."

Naruto smiled.

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Hiya, everyone! Glad I got this chapter out quickly! Next chapter is the long-awaited identity of Princess Ruto… well, I'm sure someone was waiting, right? We also have the highest fish on the food chain, Lord Jabu-Jabu!

Any and all guesses/reviews are not only appreciated, but each one helps feed starving Tektites all over Hyrule. Please, do it for the Tektites.


	14. Jokes From or About Previous Chapters!

Disclaimer: This is my disclaimer! It is witty and imaginative!

Thanks, as usual, to my reviewers! Particularly **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, **Master of Anime**, **Darkness Embers**, and **korrd**! I love you guys!

I'd also like to thank the makers of Naruto and Nintendo, for making this parody possible. Oh, and I guess whoever made computer gets some credit, too.

Also, thanks to my 'casting director' for helping me choose roles and letting me on the computer so often.

Heck, I'll also thank the Academy, and for all that it stands.

Oh, and one last order of business! **BlooDy-MaY**, I have for you a present – pictures of Princess Sasuke in his dress! I also have some for **kuroiryuu** – you can use them as blackmail, 'kay? It can be payback for when you reviewed chapter nine…as I recall, Sasuke was being mean. I'll have to have a talk with him…

Now, to the chapter!

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"She's WHERE?" Chouji's eyes bugged out of his skull and he actually set aside his potato chips.

"Uh…she's inside Lord Jabu-Jabu, Your Highness," a Zora kneeled before Chouji, looking nervous.

"You IDIOTS! Why would you people make a _princess_ feed a God anyway?" Chouji snapped. "Don't we have _minions_ for that?"

Off to the side, Kyuubi was nudging Naruto. "See why I made that guy break it to him instead of us? You can never be too careful when it comes to the blame, twerp. Instead, we get to look like heroes." He raised his voice a bit to be heard over the tussle in the background, the Zora messenger whimpering piteously.

Naruto still looked doubtful. "That was kind of mean to let Chouji take it out on him instead, though."

"I really have a lot to teach you," Kyuubi shook his head. "We'll start with the phrase 'Better you than me'…"

"Hey! Naruto!" Chouji called irately. "Let's see this letter I've been told about!"

"Sure thing, dattebayo," Naruto handed the letter to the beat-up looking messenger, who winced from the slight contact and handed it to Chouji. He scanned the letter quickly.

"So, she really is inside Lord Jabu-Jabu," Chouji frowned, "but that's not possible. He knows better than to eat _her_…that can't be hygienic. Then again, ever since that Ganondorf guy came, Lord Jabu-Jabu's been a little green around the gills…"

BA-DUM, CHII! The Zora drummer from the Indigo-gos did a quick drum roll for the readers' benefit, and Chouji paused long enough for the sound tract to fade away.

Once the 'laughter' died, Chouji continued, "The evidence seems clear. Naruto, you're going to save Princess Ruto."

"Hey, hey, hey," Kyuubi interjected, "any and all missions need to go through me, his manager, first. I don't think this gig would be beneficial to our current goals."

"I think you'll do it or I'll toss you into Lake Hylia," Chouji said, his threat a tad less intimidating said through a mouthful of chip crumbs. Kyuubi looked considering.

"I've re-evaluated our situation, and that mission seems to be within our short-term aims," Kyuubi recovered nonchalantly. "We'll do it."

"Yeah!" Naruto grinned, giving Chouji a thumbs-up. "I promise I'll save her for you!"

"Oh, good," Chouji rolled his eyes. "You can pass through this alter to get to Lord Jabu-Jabu. You can take this bottle with you if you want, and good luck finding Ruto."

With that, Chouji began to slowly inch out of the way to make a space for Naruto to go through.

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Chouji mopped sweat from his brow, looking pleased with himself. "Whew… Naruto, I'm done moving. You can get through now."

The blonde was sprawled on the platform, snoring loudly with twin trails of drool pooling at the corners of his wide-open mouth. Kyuubi began to rouse himself awake.

"Damn…slept on my wing funny," he said groggily. "Hey, King Zora, I think your messenger dried out."

The Zora messenger was, by now, a freeze-dried fish stick. Chouji shrugged.

"I'll deal with him later. In the meantime," he clapped his hands, "Minions! Put him in my mini-fridge!"

Kyuubi watched four Zoras enter silently, pick up the other Zora, and carry him out to Din-knows-where. Kyuubi hesitated, opened his mouth, thought better of it, but decided he couldn't resist.

"Um…are all Zoras cannibals?" he asked offhandedly. Chouji shrugged.

"In most areas, cannibalism is frowned upon, but in the event that you're a King who can't be questioned, you can do whatever you want," he stated matter-of-factly. "Besides…they're fish people, and I don't have a giant toilet to flush them down when they die. Might as well make full use of them."

Kyuubi blinked. "That's…kind of sick. I must rethink my opinion of you, King Zora. Maybe we could even hang out sometime."

Chouji grinned and shoved another fistful of chips into his mouth. Kyuubi began concentrating on waking his charge.

"Hey, twerp…" he said in a gentle, almost motherly sing-song voice. "Time to wake up, twerp. We have a big mission to do…"

Naruto rubbed sleep from his eyes. "What do you mean, I was asleep for seven years?"

"No, we're not at that part yet, twerp," Kyuubi somehow dunked water over Naruto's head in an attempt to wake him up faster. "King Zora just moved out of the way to let us into Jabu-Jabu's shrine."

Naruto blinked. "Oh. How come my hair's almost down to my knees, then?"

"Don't ask questions, twerp," Kyuubi said soothingly, bringing out his pair of mini-scissors. As he began to trim, he quickly figured out the problem with his scissors, and instead brought out a mini weed-whacker. Naruto ignored the racket Kyuubi was making around his head and instead looked at Chouji.

"Before I go save your daughter, do you know anything about the Spiritual Stone of Water?" Naruto inquired.

Chouji shrugged. "Nope. Actually, I'm not all that important to the storyline…you'll want to check with Ruto on that one."

"In other words, we actually have to save her, rather than take the stone, kick him in the nuts, and run," Kyuubi supplied. Naruto frowned.

"I wasn't going to do that."

"You weren't?" Kyuubi stopped cutting Naruto's hair and blinked in surprise. "Oh. Yeah, I wasn't, either."

Naruto raised an eyebrow, looking suspicious. "Kyuubi…"

"All done!" Kyuubi said cheerfully. "I've said it before and I'll say it again, your hair is absolutely _wonders_ to work with! Last time I gave it some body for you, but I'm thinking it was too much, so I got rid of some of the hair underneath those layers so I can get it into more of a sleek look – it should work well, since you normally don't do much to your hair anyway."

"Stop doing that," Naruto complained, swatting the fairy away from his scrutiny. "You're making me feel awkward. I'm used to evil, insane, spoon obsessed Kyuubi, not this." He groaned. "Damn, and now I said it!"

"Said what?"

"I was actually kind of trying to go throughout an entire chapter seeing if it could go without forks and spoons, and I ruined it by mentioning them," Naruto cursed.

"Hey," Kyuubi said in an injured voice, "You don't hear me going on about your 'dattebayo' thing."

Naruto gave him a look and brought out his copy of _Ocarina of Konoha_. "And I quote, chapter three, page eight, paragraph thirteen; 'Two thousand, seven hundred and eighty one words before you said 'dattebayo'.' If that's not making fun of me…"

Kyuubi snatched it out of the blonde's hand. "Citing the story isn't allowed!" he sniffed.

"Hey! You do it all the time!" Naruto yelped indignantly. "For instance, chapter two, once again page eight, paragraph twelve; 'Kyuubi pulled a copy of _Ocarina of Konoha_ out from seemingly nowhere. "To cite the script, '_I'll break that curse for you…I don't go back on my words! That's my way of the ninja!_' I nearly died then, and citing wasn't against the rules _then!_"

Kyuubi looked caught. "How'd you cite that when I have your copy, anyway?" he changed the subject.

This time, Naruto looked shifty eyed. Chouji, who had been ignoring them from his throne, suddenly yelled, "Who the hell took my copy of the script?"

"Let's get going," Naruto hastily dragged Kyuubi behind him, the fairy weeping with joy.

"It's a proud day in fairy's life when he finally sees his charge steal from a King," Kyuubi wept, beaming proudly.

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Naruto stared up at the large deity, looking thoroughly unimpressed.

"This is supposed to be their _fish_ god?" Naruto said flatly. "Manda is a _snake_. Not only that, but Manda is a snake who would _willingly_ eat one of the good guys. I'm going to have to talk to our casting director…"

Manda was silent. What could he say? The dead last was right. He certainly didn't want to be in this role, anyway. On top of all that, he wasn't allowed to open his mouth. He had to do his duty as a non-playable character to make things harder for him.

"Twerp, hurry up! I'm positive there's a fairy fountain behind this boulder!" Kyuubi urged. Naruto complied, but gave Kyuubi the dirtiest look he could muster. The fairy looked at him, pulling a relatively convincing innocent expression. "What? I care only for your well-being."

"Pervert," Naruto said decisively, placing a bomb down by the boulder. "If I see your eyes anywhere but on her face, I'll get you kicked out of this parody."

"Some threat," Kyuubi muttered, but inwardly smirked. He was never so grateful that he didn't technically have a face. Behind him, the wall blew up, the boulder perfectly intact. Naruto gave it a strange look.

"Game logistics are weird," he shook his head. Kyuubi eagerly flew in, singing Zelda's Lullaby as if hoping that could summon the next Great Fairy.

By some stroke of luck for the fairy, a low, husky giggle rang in Kyuubi's non-existent ears. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation as the Great Fairy of Magic rose out of the water.

"Hey," Asuma greeted, taking a long drag on his cigarette. Kyuubi shrieked girlishly.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked, his voice shuddering slightly in horror and shock.

"I'm the Great Fairy of Magic," Asuma answered as if it were obvious. "Now get ready to receive my special ability…"

"AAAAAAH!" Kyuubi screamed and flew out at full speed. He was panting slightly.

"Uh…Kyuubi?" Naruto prodded him carefully, his voice sounding distant. "Kyuubi? What's wrong with you _now?_"

Kyuubi's eyes slid open and he sat bolt upright. "What the…"

"You fainted when you were going in," Naruto pointed at the Fairy Fountain. "I didn't know what was wrong with you, but I went in anyway. The Great Fairy of Magic gave me this," he held up a green crystal. "It's Farore's Wind."

"And the Fairy? Who was it?" Kyuubi asked urgently. Naruto cocked his head.

"It was my Sexy no Jutsu," he answered slowly. "…Kyuubi, are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm not alright! I missed seeing her!" he whined, before something stirred in the back of his mind. "Wait…that traumatizing dream…missing the chance to see the Great Fairy…" his eyes narrowed. "Farore's Wind. Damn it, I forgot about you two!"

The sky turned green, and a disappointed voice said, "You looked so close to crying! I would've won!" she whined. Kyuubi made a very rude hand sign at her.

"Just when I thought you two would give it a rest!" he hissed. "Even Din could do better than that!"

"I know!" Din took over, and she sounded smug. "Just wait and see what I've been cooking up! There's a reason I haven't done anything in a while, you know! This is gonna be good!"

"Whatever," Farore scoffed. "You're all talk. You've been sulking in your room all that time, bawling your eyes out that you can't go down there to see your beloved Darunia!"

"Hold on, what?" Naruto interrupted, suddenly aware for the first time that the Goddesses talked to his fairy. "You have a crush on _ero-sennin?_ Ew!"

"He's practically a God himself," Din said dreamily. "But he's suffering! I can't stand seeing my love so miserable! My poor Goron baby…"

"We aren't supposed to show favouritism," Nayru reminded. Din wailed and retreated, the sky going green for a second before Farore also left with a disappointed groan. Kyuubi turned to Naruto.

"See! The Goddesses hate me! That was proof!" he said, shaking his charge slightly. Naruto looked confused.

"What was proof? Sorry, Kyuubi, but I don't know what you're talking about," he said, speaking soothingly as if Kyuubi were crazy. Well, crazy in a different way. Like, not murderous and evil crazy, but recovering insane asylum patient crazy.

Kyuubi's mouth fell open. "You…but they…" He gave up and simply turned away.

The two of them swam and/or flew back to Manda, who was looking quite thoroughly bored. Naruto waved a plastic toy mouse in front of the serpent's face, cooing moronically. Manda sighed inwardly and gave him a you-must-be-joking look.

"Does the snake want the little mouse? Does he? I bet he does…" Naruto said in baby talk. Manda attempted to raise an eyebrow, but was unsuccessful, seeing as he had no eyebrows. The result looked freakish.

In the audience, Gaara developed a tick in his eye. Temari, who was sitting beside him, snorted with laughter, trying to cover it with a hand and eyeing the large sand gourd at Gaara's feet. Gaara shot her a glare, self-consciously lowering his head a bit so his hair fell over his, uh, lack of eyebrows. Not that Gaara was self-conscious. He's Subaku no Gaara. He'll kill anyone who dares imply he has self-esteem issues!

"Hey," Kankuro waded through the aisles past the jam-packed audience. "What's going on? Did I miss anything in the story?"

"It's your own fault if you missed something," Temari reprimanded. "I warned you not to drink the jumbo-soda."

"It's not my fault this suit is hard to get out of!"

"Shut up," Gaara muttered. The other sand siblings promptly fell silent, although Temari was still having some problems with her giggles.

Manda, meanwhile, was developing a similar tick in his eye. In fact, he and Gaara's expressions were nearly identical.

"Come on, Manda, open wide for the little mouse," Naruto babbled. "Come on! I know you want the little mouse!"

Kyuubi let out an exaggerated sigh of impatience. "Maybe you could just do what the Guidebook says and get a fish, huh?"

"No," Naruto refused. "That would mean I'd have to empty out my bottles, and I don't feel like wasting any of my fairies!"

"You have that other bottle," Kyuubi drawled. "Use that one."

"No!" Naruto shook his head vehemently. "I'm keeping something in that one!"

"Since when?" Kyuubi demanded. Naruto took out his bottle and raised it to his eye level. Kyuubi simply looked at the thing in the bottle, and then looked back at Naruto.

"A bug," he said flatly. "You're keeping a bug because…?"

"I've never had a pet," Naruto shrugged. Kyuubi shook his head in disgust. Naruto continued, "As it is, you _ate_ my last pet! I don't even know how you did it!"

"You should know better than to keep a chicken as a pet," Kyuubi said defensively. "I'm a fox. It goes against my instinct to let it live."

"Hinata gave me that chicken, and I hatched it myself," Naruto said, eyes watering. "Besides, that chicken was at least five times bigger than you, and you don't have a mouth or any teeth. I figured Cluckles would be _fine_ around you."

"Oh Nayru, you even named it," Kyuubi said in disgust. "What's done is done, twerp. What it comes right down to is that you don't need a pet, and a stupid bug won't replace Clucky or whatever you called him."

"I don't care, dattebayo," Naruto rubbed the bottle lovingly. "I like Buggles, and I've formed an emotional attachment to him. As my guardian fairy, you're supposed to be supporting and promote my desire to be a caregiver to a young or helpless creature, as well as cultivate my sense of responsibility."

"You've been into my parenting books."

"Yup."

"You know what, fine. Do things your way. If you want to spend the next few hours taunting a gigantic deity with a cheap plastic toy, then fine." Kyuubi threw up his arms helplessly. Naruto tucked Buggles away and brought out his plastic mouse again.

"Come on, Manda, I bet you really want this mouse…"

Manda rolled his eyes. "Oh, for Din's sake." He unceremoniously wrapped his tongue around both Naruto and Kyuubi and pulled them into his mouth, inwardly grimacing at how unappealing that sounded.

"Well, at least that ought to shut them up," he said to himself, before falling back into his peaceful slumber.

Inside the living dungeon, Naruto was trying in vain to get the slime off his shoes, grimacing. Kyuubi was on Naruto's hat, hacking profusely and trying desperately to shake the saliva off his wings.

"This is useless," Kyuubi panicked, his wings being pinned to his orb-like glowing body. "There's no way I can fly like this!"

"This is just gross," Naruto gagged. "Is it to late to get out here and tell Chouji I decline?"

Kyuubi thwacked him. "I'm having a crisis!" he yelled. "If I can't fly, I can't move! You'll have to keep me on your hat until I dry off."

"Whatever," Naruto agreed, trying to slash the large, acidic bubbles floating around. "What do you think these are?"

"Who cares, twerp," Kyuubi said impatiently. "There's Jabu-Jabu's uvula up there, and currently it's doubling as a switch. Shoot it with a Deku seed and try to keep it to a limit of ten seeds, okay?"

Naruto scowled. "I'll get it in one!" He shot and ended up hitting the wall behind him. He blinked. "How did that even _happen?_"

"Less talk!" Kyuubi commanded. "I want to find a dry room somewhere in here!"

"We're inside a snake-fish," Naruto pointed out. "I doubt there will be any dry rooms."

"Damn," Kyuubi groaned. "I hate this place already. I'm going to be so doomed during the Water Temple…"

Naruto ran across the next room, pointing at an electrified jellyfish. "What's that?"

"Who cares!" Naruto winced as Kyuubi thumped on his head once again. "Damn it, Naruto, you're really pissing me off! I'm soaked with fish juices and I can't fly!"

"Yeah, yeah," the blonde murmured under his breath.

He entered the next room and stopped, covering his eyes both from politeness and shock. "WHOA! Uh, I – that is – sorry!"

The fish princess, in all her naked glory, turned and shrieked. "ACK! Y-You!"

"Ino…" Naruto didn't quite look at her. Eventually, he shifted his gaze, focusing hard on her face. "Uh, what are you doing here?"

Ino made no attempt to cover herself, instead answering haughtily, "I'm Princess Ruto of the Zoras!"

"That explains the fish smell…" Naruto muttered to himself. Kyuubi coughed lightly.

"Actually, I don't think that's the reason for the smell," he said softly, and then in a louder voice, he said to Ino, "Mind closing your legs?"

Ino jumped. "Ew, a talking bug!"

Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "Hey!"

Shino, off screen, also narrowed his eyes, not that anyone could tell. "Hey…"

"Whatever!" Naruto hollered. "Look, I was sent by Chouji to get you out of here, so can we get going? This place is all wet and sticky."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Oh, please! _I'm_ used to it!"

Kyuubi sniggered. Ino went on, "I never asked anyone to come save me, and if you're about to mention a message in a bottle, I never sent one of those, either! And I don't care if my father's worried, and I don't care what you're here for! On top of all that, I can't leave yet! So go away!" she sniffed and turned, and was about to strut away when she fell into a giant swirling hole of icky-ness.

"EEEEK! I'm so sick of falling into big holes!" Ino screeched, her voice fading. Naruto looked slightly ill, and Kyuubi rapped on his head with his knuckles.

"What? We tried, didn't we!" Naruto whined. "There's no way I…"

"Page two, paragraph seven, this same chapter; 'I promise I'll save her for you!'"

"Citing the script is illegal!" Naruto yelled, jumping into the hole as he did so. The giant swirling hole of icky-ness made a disgusting sucking noise like a vacuum and Naruto disappeared into the next chamber.

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Ha! Another chapter done! Free pictures of Princess Sasuke in a dress for reviewers! (Holds up stacks of blackmail pictures, or potential fangirl collectibles)

The only new character next chapter is the boss, Bio-Electric Barinade. Any guesses for him?

And I'm dead serious here. I have a huge stack of photos here! Review quickly before Sasuke finds and destroys them! HURRY!


	15. Ew, I Think I Got Anti Climax On My Shoe

Disclaimer: To do my disclaimer, we have here…the Indigo-gos! Hit it!

_(To the tune of Go! (Fighting Dreamers) – Naruto 4th opening)_

_We are disclaiming_

_We disclaim Naruto_

_We're disclaiming_

_Disclaiming the Zelda games, too_

_We're disclaiming_

_We don't own anything_

_No, i-o, o-i-o no_

_So we disclaim…_

As usual, I'm sending out my thanks, to **Master of Anime**, **sdrawkcab gnikaeps ekil I**, **kuroiryuu**, and my friend **The All-Seeing Sharingan**! Also thanks to the other people I'm too lazy to thank, but honest, I appreciate your reviews!

Also – a **warning!** This chapter contains some _really_ dirty jokes. If they go over your head, then…they actually aren't there. This is just a really strange chapter with no innuendos, euphemisms, or jokes of any kind. Note that this chapter also contains some Ino bashing – no offence meant, but I've never been a Ruto fan.

Alright then – to the chapter! This ought to make the story earn it's rating…

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"Why the hell are you still following me?" Ino whined as Naruto landed rather ungracefully. "I thought only paying customers stalked me!"

"Ew! Will you stop talking?" Naruto gagged, pulling himself up to his feet. Kyuubi clung to his hat for dear life, trying once again in vain to peel his wings off his saliva-soaked body.

Ino sniffed. "Listen, I've been going inside Jabu-Jabu since I was a little kid!"

Naruto looked incredulous. "I just told you to shut up! For Din's sake, you're going to up the rating of this story a whole 'nother point at this rate!"

The female ninja smacked him upside the head. "Not like that, you pervert!"

Kyuubi, who had nearly been flung across the room on impact, was finding himself quite ill disposed towards the fish princess. "I'm having my doubts about who the perverted one is," he sneered. To himself, he muttered, "Although admittedly, she's not too bad of a replacement. I didn't get to see the Great Fairy of Magic after all…"

"Just shut up, both of you, and leave!" she screeched piercingly. "I'll be fine in here, even if there ARE weird jellyfish and holes everywhere! That's probably completely normal – I get weird holes and jelly, too!"

Kyuubi roared with laughter and Ino looked long-suffering. Naruto's eyes were very wide and he was muttering, "Oh god. This is _so_ inappropriate…we are going to get in _so_ much trouble…"

"To top all that off, I _can't_ leave until I get my precious…_rock_ back!" Ino huffed. "Oh…and I also need to find my Spiritual Stone! Not that it's any of your business. So you two can just go home!"

"Look," Naruto sighed, "I'm going to start by saying that I never thought or wanted to be inside a snake again…"

Kyuubi snickered rudely. Naruto's eyes opened, if possible, wider. "NOT LIKE THAT!" He tried to swat the fairy off his hat angrily.

Kyuubi continued to giggle. "I always had Orochimaru pegged as the more dominant type…"

"SHUT UP!" Naruto screeched. "I didn't mean it like that! I meant during the Chuunin exam – the Forest of Death – I meant…ARGH!"

"Hey!" Ino pouted, putting her hands on her hips. This immediately attracted Naruto's attention, his eyes automatically traveling somewhere he wasn't eager to go.

"Ack!" He spun around, covering his eyes. "Damn it!"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Oh, grow up! It's not anything all of Konoha hasn't seen before!"

Naruto looked incredulous. "I haven't seen it, and I DON'T want to! Not _you_, anyway!"

The female ninja looked highly affronted. Naruto continued, "That's not the point, anyway! I came all this way to save you, so damn it, I'm going to do it! I don't care _how_ many sex jokes are in this chapter, and I don't care _how_ stubborn you're going to be! I never go back on my word, because that's my way of the ninja!"

Ino examined her fingernails. "How inspirational. Fine, if you're SO determined to get me out of here, then I'll give you the honour of carrying me around until we either leave or by some fluke manage to get into a boss battle! Just so you know, though, I'm NOT leaving without the thing I'm looking for!"

Naruto gaped in disbelief. "You want me to carry you," he repeated. "You must be joking. There's no _way_ you can honestly expect me to -"

Ino say down on the ground and looked up at him expectantly. "I'm waiting."

"Listen, you little unmentionable," Kyuubi spat, "there's only room up here for one of us, and since I'm currently immobile, you'll have to haul your royal ass up and walk."

"Not my problem," Ino said harshly. "You either carry me or I'm not going anywhere."

Naruto sighed. "Are you sure you can't fly yet, Kyuubi?"

Kyuubi looked incredulous. "You can't be serious, twerp! You're actually going to carry her?"

"She's not giving me much choice!" Naruto snapped. "What if I keep you in one of my bottles until you're dry?"

"You want to _bottle_ me?" Kyuubi shrieked. "Like some…_common_ fairy?"

Naruto mournfully pulled out his bottle with his pet bug in it. "Good bye, Buggles," he said sadly. "I can only hope you survive the digestion system and manage to find your way out…"

"This is touching and all, but if we don't get a move on, I'm going to congeal in here," Ino snapped. "Put the fire fly in a bottle so we can get going!"

"Sorry," Naruto apologized and quickly swiped Kyuubi off his head, hastily corking the bottle. "It's for the good of Hyrule."

"Yeah, most people seem to agree that putting me in captivity tends to be for the good of the world," Kyuubi grumbled, nestling in his new glass prison. "I think I prefer this one, though. Bottles can't make stupid decisions that put both it's and my life in jeopardy." He glared at his charge through the glass and yelled, "You're damn lucky I can survive without air in this form!"

To Naruto, all of Kyuubi's ranting was soundless. He couldn't even tell whether or not he was complaining. Since he heard nothing from Kyuubi, he assumed he was comfortable and tucked him away, hanging off his kunai pouch since he decided he'd feel guilty stowing him inside like a 'common fairy'. He turned miserably to Ino.

"Are you sure you can't just walk?" he hesitated. She simply gave him a 'No, duh' look and he sighed, picking her up with some difficulty. Ino thwacked him as he struggled slightly under her weight.

"Stop doing that and get a proper grip!" she ordered as he almost slipped – again. "I _know_ it must be your fault because _I'm_ not fat!"

Naruto purpled with the effort of keeping her upright and staying silent. He went through the door, where more of those acidic bubble things were bouncing around merrily. A slow, evil grin made it's way onto his face as he hurled her at one, popping it.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ino shrieked in outrage, rubbing her butt uncomfortably. "That _hurt!_"

"If I have to carry you, I might as well find some kind of use for you," Naruto answered sweetly, picking her back up and chucking her at another bubble.

"This isn't exactly the _use_ people find for me, and this one hurts more!" she whined. "Stop doing it!"

"Quit whining, dattebayo!" Naruto snapped. His patience was beginning to wear thin at this point. With most people, it probably would've taken longer, but his brain tends to be a bit slow on uptake. He carried her through the door to the next room, jumping into the shallow…well, we'll just call it liquid…and hurling her onto the other side. "Just sit there and don't do anything!"

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to stay in one place and let you do what you want, then?" Ino sniffed. "Men. It's always the same routine, no matter _what_ they're doing..."

Naruto ignored her and stepped on the switch in the middle of the pit. More liquid seeping out of the pores on the sides of the wall, and the water level rose substantially. Naruto swam over to the side where Ino was, Kyuubi's bottle floating on the surface while the fairy recoiled, shuddering as though he was coming into contact with the water.

"This is the most disgusting thing I've ever had to do," Naruto said faintly, climbing out as the stingers circled at his feet like sharks, "and that includes all the things I did as a kid."

He didn't elaborate, to everyone's relief, including his own.

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"Eugh…is the floor _moving?_" Naruto gingerly took a step, and jumped as he watched his foot move back towards him. "That's so gross! That's unnatural!"

"Oh, get over it," Ino snapped, crossing her arms over her bare chest. "We're in the intestinal passages. They don't really lead anywhere that we want to go, so let's leave so I can look for my…item that's none of your business."

"Were there always evil electrified worms sprouting up through the floors?" Naruto pointed, before remembering he needed both hands to keep supporting Ino.

"_Those_ type of worms have never been there before!" Ino sounded surprised. "I've never even seen worms like that, and trust me, I thought I'd seen them all!"

Naruto dodged them and ran down a passage, looking disgusted as his feet began to sink into the wriggling floor. Kyuubi rapped on his glass bottle, flicking his wings triumphantly. Naruto paused to uncork the bottle.

"Ha!" Kyuubi whizzed out of the tiny prison, buzzing around at high speed. "I'm free! Free at last!" he stopped and sighed happily. "Thank Nayru!"

Outside, the sky brightened considerably and a meek, "You're welcome," was heard. Everyone outside looked up in bewilderment before shrugging it off as nothing and going back to their day-to-day lives… which was standing around until some hero kid decided to interact with them.

Inside, Kyuubi hadn't heard the Goddess's reply, so instead took a quick look around to assess to situation. "Let's see…a switch only the weight of two people can activate…strange tentacles blocking doorways…a moving meat-floor…electric worms with pincers burrowing into said meat-floor and lying in wait for a victim…" he sighed. "So we haven't left yet, huh?"

"Nope," Naruto affirmed, waiting for the fairy to give him instructions of some sort. The kitsune looked around appraisingly.

"Alright, step onto that blue switch there," he pointed. Naruto, still carrying Ino, complied, and the 'You did something right!' music played. Naruto went through the door.

Inside were about half a dozen stingers, floating ominously beneath the 'floor', which was moving in wavy patterns. Kyuubi looked around, paranoid, and huddled into himself, staying far away from the slimy walls.

Naruto sighed in relief as he put Ino down. "Finally…it's as if I've been carrying around an elephant…"

Ino shot him a burning look and Naruto added hastily, "Because of the, uh…burden of not getting any progress down on finding Princess Ino's precious item. I feel like I'm finally making some progress."

Ino looked satisfied, and Naruto said a silent prayer before going to kill the stingers. Kyuubi watched as his charge misfired as Deku seed, sending the pellet straight into a fleshy wall. The entire room shook and contracted in pain, and Kyuubi recoiled, avoiding drops of intestinal goo shaking loose from the ceiling.

"I really hate this place," he muttered. Naruto miraculously killed all the stingers quickly in a non-descriptive way, and a chest appeared in the middle of the room.

"How many weird items can this guy possibly swallow…?" Naruto murmured. From her corner, Ino perked up.

"What? Did I hear something about swallowing…?"

She was ignored as Naruto began hopping up and down madly, a gleeful look on his face as he waved his new item around hazardously. "Look! Look! I got a boomerang! Isn't that _cool?_"

He was about to throw it when Kyuubi gave him a stern look. He looked sheepish as he tucked it away. "Or I suppose I could wait until it has a better, more purposeful use before I throw it."

The three left, Naruto carrying Ino again, and went to the room opposite. Kyuubi pointed down at the switch.

"By the looks of it, someone needs to step on it for the door to…unblock," he chose his words cautiously, staring at the mucus-like veins in absolute revulsion. "I recommend you leave Ruto here."

"What?" Ino shrieked. "No way! You can't leave me here!"

Naruto's expression brightened. "Good idea! Let's go!" he set the girl down on the switch, and the mucus retreated, unblocking the 'door', for lack of a better word.

"Naruto! You get back here this instant or I swear I'll -" the rest of her threat was cut off as the door shut behind him. Naruto breathed out in relief, but choked on the same breath and gagged when he saw the long, swinging chunk of slimy red intestinal meat hanging from the ceiling. Kyuubi clapped a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"Good luck with that, twerp," he said sagely. "I recommend the boomerang."

Naruto nervously drew his boomerang and began taking careful aim. "Relax," he muttered to himself, "it's just like a shuriken. Just like a shuriken…"

He threw the boomerang. It flew in a graceful half-arc before clattering to the floor. Naruto smacked his forehead, and Kyuubi looked thoroughly unimpressed.

"Twerp, you do know it's supposed to come back, don't you?"

Naruto swore under his breath and went to retrieve it. As he picked it up, the slimy red intestinal meat swung into him, knocking the wind out him, staining his clothes, and sending him flying backwards all at once. Kyuubi sighed.

"I guess we can go the Z-Targeting route," he sighed. Naruto looked indignant.

"I can Z-Target with this and you didn't tell me?" he pouted. Kyuubi rolled his eyes, flying up to the thin, fleshy part of the slimy red intestinal meat.

"You can Z-Target with anything, twerp," Kyuubi called.

Naruto threw the boomerang, this time sending it out as an elegant projectile instead of a piece of wood thrown clumsily by a ninja who lost his skills. The boomerang cut through the weak spot and returned to his hand. He took a step back in surprise when he caught it.

"Just do that two or three more times, twerp, so we can get the hell out of here," Kyuubi called. Naruto did so, and the slimy red intestinal meat fell apart into thick chunks on the ground. Another chest appeared, and Naruto opened it. He grimaced when he saw what it was and held it up, pinching the soggy map with his fingers.

"How am I even supposed to _read_ this?" he asked rhetorically, stuffing the parchment into his limitless holding space. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Better that than me," he pointed out. Naruto wisely said nothing to this as they exited. When they did so, Naruto was promptly ambushed by an indignant Zora princess.

"What the hell was that?" she shrieked, hands on hips. "Honestly, it's just like a man to not take responsibility for his '_decisions'!_ If you try to ditch me again, I'll have you executed!"

"Jeez, I'm sorry!" Naruto exhaled heavily, trying desperately not to look at her. "And for the love of Din, could you please cover up?"

"And what am I supposed to wear?" Ino rolled her eyes. "Mucus? Slime?"

"Why not, you're probably used to being covered in -" Kyuubi piped up, but Naruto cut him off.

"I don't care anymore," Naruto said vehemently. "Just sit down, shut up, and I'll carry you to wherever we're supposed to go next so we can _get the hell out of here! _I'm sick of your bickering, and I'm sick of this place, and if this keeps up I'm going to explode! So, as of now, we're doing this dungeon MY WAY!"

Ino and Kyuubi blinked, stunned. Naruto looked surprised at himself, then awkward.

"You know…we'll do it my way, if it's okay with you two…"

The other two fell over anime-style, Naruto grinning sheepishly.

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Ino sat atop Naruto's shoulders, propping her head up tiredly and yawning in boredom. Suddenly she perked up and began pointing eagerly, nearly knocking Naruto off balance.

"That's it! What I've been looking for!" she yelled. "My precious item…and my Stone! Throw me up on that platform!"

Looking puzzled and a little scared, Naruto complied. "Thank god! I don't have to carry you around now, right?"

Ino ignored him, tucking something away. She looked shifty eyed. "Ignore that. I didn't have anything."

Kyuubi blinked. "You're naked. How did you hide…whatever that was?"

Ino looked caught. "Uh…I didn't…I…that is…" she turned red, and Kyuubi suddenly nodded in realization.

"Oh, I see…lot of room up there, huh?"

"Oh! My mother's stone!" Ino said suddenly, holding up the Spiritual Stone, a blue shining stone in the shape of a Sound ninja symbol. "I got very upset when Lord Jabu-Jabu swallowed it. While I was feeding him, he suddenly swallowed me! I was so surprised I dropped it inside..."

"Somehow, it figures that you'd be the one to get eaten," Kyuubi commented rudely. Ino ignored him.

"Anyway, I found it, I don't need to be here anymore, so I demand you take me out of here!" she ordered. Naruto looked disbelieving and exhausted.

"So I have to carry you all the way out?" he said tiredly. Ino opened her mouth to respond when suddenly the platform rose up into the air. He heard her scream from up above.

"EEEEEK! What the hell are _you_, and octopus?" she screeched. "Wait…HEY! Don't touch me there…ACK! Get off!"

The platform lowered again, but Ino was gone. In her place was a gigantic Octorok, it's droopy mouth turned downward menacingly and it's eyes glowing green.

"That's the mini-boss, Bigocto," Kyuubi informed him. "You have to stun him with your boomerang, and then slash the glowing green thing on his ass."

Naruto nodded solemnly and began strategically attacking the Bigocto.

"DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!"

"You know, I can think of about a hundred better battle cries, but I guess that works too," Kyuubi said dryly.

The following battle is censored for blood, gore, foul language, frighteningly inappropriate actions from a octopus creature, overly-feminine screaming from a would-be masculine character, slime coating of wings, sobbing fairies, bickering Goddesses, 'subtle' sex jokes that could likely get the author in a lot of trouble, and laziness. Mostly laziness.

Kyuubi giggled immaturely, and it was clear that he had been doing so for a while. Naruto was in the fetal position, staring at the Bigocto in horror. The mini-boss was impaled on the spikes of the platform, blood oozing from several of it's wounds and dribbling into the organic juices on the ground.

"I feel so violated," Naruto sobbed, his voice raspy from screaming in terror.

Kyuubi let his laughter die down. "Aw, man, that was funny. You know, for me. Hoo boy… okay, let's get going…come on, twerp, you're not that traumatized. You haven't even been to Hyrule in the future yet, and _that_ will traumatize you. Now let's get going, huh?"

Naruto was still pale as he shakily climbed up onto the platform. It began to rise up, and the blonde said throatily, "If you ever let me fight something like that again, I will pluck both your wings off and leave you in my bottle for the rest of your existence."

Kyuubi bit his lip, drawing a bit of blood from the effort of trying not to laugh.

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Shino sat in the center of the room, watching his bugs whiz around his hands with mild interest. "It's a lucky thing I found you, Buggles," he said dully to the green bug in his palm. He didn't even look up when Kyuubi and Naruto entered the boss chamber.

"Shino?" Naruto sounded surprised. "What are you doing here?"

Shino pointed to the bottom of the screen rather than answer. 'Bio-Electric Anemone Barinade' hovered at the bottom of the screen. Taking that as the best answer he was going to get, Naruto fell silent, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

"Uh…aren't we going to…fight, or something?" Naruto asked. Shino finally looked up, blinking.

"Why would I do that?" he asked flatly.

"You're a boss, aren't you?" Kyuubi piped up. Shino shrugged.

"So?"

"So we're supposed to have a climactic boss battle right about now, where you put up a valiant fight and I beat you after some struggle, and then I reap my reward which advances the story plot," Naruto said obviously. Shino shrugged again.

"I don't care. That has nothing to do with me. Besides, I don't even have anything to do with Barinade," he pointed out. "He's a parasite that looks like a giant brain with Bari connected to him by electricity. I'm a ninja who doesn't feel like fighting you. I'd rather sit here and spend time with my bugs. By the way, I hear you've met Buggles?" he held up the green bug.

"Hold on…so you're saying I don't have to fight you?" Naruto said slowly.

"Yeah," he said, holding up a heart container. "You might as well take this, too. Portal's over there. See you both at the cast after-party."

"Uh, thanks," Naruto looked perplexed but accepted the heart container. Kyuubi shrugged when his charge gave him a questioning look, and the both of them walked over to the portal.

"You! You're late!" Ino screeched in his face, practically invisible hovering in the light. Naruto yelped and jumped backward, falling backwards.

"Princess Ruto?" Kyuubi raised his eyebrows. "Didn't you disappear or die or something?"

"No," Ino sniffed. "The both of you are useless. But you know, I guess it's kind of cool that you guys somehow managed to get through this place without dying. Now let's get out of here."

She yanked him into the portal, and Naruto felt the familiar teleporting sensation.

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It took Naruto all of ten seconds to realize he was in the water, and he quickly began floundering. Ino rolled her eyes and dragged him to a shallower area.

"Alright, so since you saved me, I guess I have to give you something," she sighed. "So, what do you want? And if you say what I think you're going to say, I'm sure as hell not doing it here."

Naruto blinked. "I want your Spiritual Stone."

"Really?" Ino raised an eyebrow. "That's surprising…usually everyone asks me for something…uh, different. But I guess that works too. However…" she smirked. "The Zora's Sapphire is kind of like an engagement ring, so I don't want to give it to _you_."

"I need it!" Naruto protested. "Look, I was sent on this mission to collect them all from Princess Zelda -"

"Princess Zelda?" Ino perked up. "As in, dark, handsome, and sexy Princess Zelda?"

"…That sounded really, really weird," Naruto said slowly. "But I guess so, yeah."

"Then I'll technically be engaged to the Princess!" she squealed excitedly. "Okay then, it's a deal! Remember to tell Zelda about my condition though, okay?"

Naruto smirked inwardly at how Sasuke would react. "It's a deal! I'd shake your hand, but I don't know where it's been. As it is, I have to burn this hat now."

Ino shrugged. "I understand. You know, Naruto, you're not so bad when I think I can closer to Princess Zelda through you."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto held out his hand. "Spiritual Stone now, dattebayo."

Rather unceremoniously, Ino dropped the stone into his palm, not bothering to do so carefully. Naruto grinned and tucked it away with the others and gave the screen a victorious pose.

"YOSH! I got all three Spiritual stones!" he grinned, teeth sparkling. Kyuubi grabbed the end of his hat and began tugging him towards the exit.

"Come on, Rock Lee, we've got to get going to Hyrule Castle if we want to get there by next chapter," Kyuubi said dryly. Naruto waved good-bye to Ino quickly and began hurrying out the exit. Ino called after him.

"Wait a sec!"

Naruto paused, and Ino yelled, "Don't tell my father!"

To Kyuubi, he muttered, "Tell him what?"

He shrugged. "Maybe that she's in love with the Princess of Hyrule."

"That's no secret," Naruto blinked. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Then I have no idea."

Naruto gave her a thumbs-up anyway and ran out. Ino smiled to herself.

"This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship," she grinned. Manda, who had been lying there watching with little interest, shot out his tongue and swallowed Ino again in one gulp.

"Something about her just irritates me," he reasoned, eyes sliding shut as he went back to dozing in peace.

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Alright! I think the ending was pretty weak, because at that point I just got tired and I wanted to wrap it up.

Next chapter is the one we've all been waiting for (again…)! Appearances from Zelda, Impa, Zelda's horse, Ganondorf, a few random villagers, another Great Fairy, and the Sage of Light, Rauru!

That's right, folks – it's time to grow up! …No, not you guys, the characters! Silly!

All guesses and reviews go to the Poe Research and Conservation fund – with your help, we can help further the study of Poes and their uses in plot development!


	16. Congratulations, Mr Smith, It's a Plot!

LON: Naruto, can I do the disclaimer?

Naruto: I dunno, LON, I think you should ask Mr. Kyuubi.

LON: But I don't _want_ to ask Mr. Kyuubi! I want to ask you!

Naruto: No, I think you should ask Mr. Kyuubi.

Lon: (grumbling) Mr. Kyuubi, can I please do the disclaimer?

Kyuubi: NO, LON! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!

LON: (Cough) I disclaim Naruto, Zelda, and now I guess I have to disclaim South Park…

WOO-HOO! (Waves little flags around, dancing moronically) Congrats! Congrats! Congrats to **shattered-words** for being my 100th reviewer! Also congrats to ME, for actually GETTING 100 reviews! (Weeps joyfully) YOSH! I shall continue to vigilantly type up these chapters swirling pointlessly around in my brain, in hopes of achieving even MORE reviews!

I love all of you reviewers! You all made the 100th review possible, so thanks to all of you guys! Now I'll shut up and get to the chapter you've all been waiting for! (To the cameraman) ROLL IT!

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Naruto strode purposefully towards Hyrule castle, the market town looming on the horizon. Kyuubi flitted alongside his charge, humming along with the triumphant background music.

"This is finally it, Kyuubi," Naruto said, eyes shining with anticipation. "We're finally going to deliver the Spiritual Stones and thus end our quest!"

"And I'll finally get to put my signature at the bottom of that nine-billion dollar contract!" Kyuubi said dreamily, but then scowled darkly. "Provided, of course, it's delivered _on time_ for once…"

"Will you get over stupid hatred of the post man?" Naruto sighed. "You're bringing my victorious good mood down with your hate-waves, man!"

Kyuubi looked at him oddly. "What's with you? You sound like some kind of tree-hugging hippie!"

Naruto sighed blissfully, clapping a hand on Kyuubi's shoulder. Kyuubi struck the ground from the force, shaking his head and grumbling. "Kyuubi, my man, all this killing has made me realize how senseless violence really is. It's given me a new respect for life, dattebayo."

Kyuubi looked alarmed, rubbing the growing bump on his head. "Are you serious, twerp?" he asked worriedly, shooting a concerned look to someone off-screen.

"I've never been more serious in my life!" Naruto confirmed. "You wouldn't understand, Kyuubi. I've never felt so free!"

"We'll see about that," Kyuubi muttered, waving someone on-screen. Genma and Raidou, the game security team, and Kakashi walked on, Kakashi absorbed in his book and oblivious to the fact that his hair and face was wrapped in a towel, a mud mask around the visible part of his eyes.

"Let's hurry this up, I was dragged out of make-up for this," Kakashi drawled. Genma and Raidou each seized a struggling limb of the blonde, who was looking around at the, startled, and yelling.

"What are you guys doing? Violence isn't the answer, you know!" he resisted, thrashing his arms and legs.

"Fix him," Kyuubi ordered simply, snapping his fingers. The procession marched off screen, leaving the scene on screen relatively blank. There was murmuring off to the side, and a few people were pushed on screen.

"What are we even doing here?" Navi blinked. Impa, off to the side, shrugged.

"Keeping the readers entertained, I suppose," the Sheikah woman answered. Navi nodded in agreement.

"I'll tell you what we're doing! We're being made a mockery of!" Zelda frowned. "Did you see who was playing my part? A _boy!_"

"I don't know," Ruto said nonchalantly, studying her fingernails. "I thought he kind of suited your role. He's better at it than _you_ are."

"What was that, you fish bitch?" Zelda rounded on her. Ruto sneered.

"You heard me, fiancé stealer!"

"Hey!" Malon piped up, striding on screen with her fists clenched. "This involves me, too! I technically saw him first!"

Before a catfight could break out – which would be pretty bad news for Ruto, who is a fish person – there was a familiar girlish scream off-screen, proceeded by a bright flash of light. Nabooru, who had been stealthily slipping rupees out of Zelda's purse, blinked.

"What was that?" the Gerudo wondered. Then she blinked her heavily lidded eyelids. "Why am I here, anyway? My character doesn't even appear for another fifteen to twenty chapters."

Kyuubi whizzed back onstage, clapping his hands impatiently and shooing the original Zelda characters off the screen. "Alright, thank you all for coming out to distract the readers while we were busy," he said briskly. "You can get going now…"

He froze at the sight of Navi before giving her a fox-like grin. "Well, hello…"

Navi sniffed haughtily. "I was just leaving," she said, her squeaky voice sounding as dignified and condescending as she could make it. She threw the kitsune a quick 'I'm-out-of-your-league' look and flitted away. Zelda stomped off, looking very un-princess like, her attendant trailing behind, bringing out a bright orange book.

"I wonder what this is," she mused, sounding interested as she flipped open the cover. Nabooru stole the book right from under Impa's nose without her noticing, the thief chuckling to herself as she slunk away. Malon and Ruto threw each other scathing looks and left in different directions, noses perpendicular to the sky.

"Can never catch a break," Kyuubi cursed, still watching Navi. Kakashi walked on, blinking.

"Did someone take my Icha Icha Paradise…?" he asked slowly. Genma, who had just walked on, looked sheepish.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I should've been watching to make sure nothing gets stolen. Game security, you know."

"Don't worry about it," Kakashi shrugged. "Jiraiya probably has an extra copy. He might even have a new one…"

Out of nowhere, Tsunade yelled, "No he doesn't!" Jiraiya was heard whimpering in agreement.

"Damn," Kakashi cursed tonelessly before walking off, followed by the security team. Naruto walked on screen, rubbing his eyes in a daze.

"Hey, twerp," Kyuubi said casually. "How are you feeling?"

"Kind of funny, dattebayo," Naruto replied, "but okay."

"How do you feel about violence?" Kyuubi inquired innocently. Naruto shrugged, blinking his foggy blue eyes.

"I dunno…okay?" his eyes focused. "Why?"

"No reason, twerp," Kyuubi grinned, showing his fangs. "Now let's get going, shall we? You have all the Spiritual Stones now, and we have to deliver them to Princess Zelda."

"Deliver them? You mean like some kind of postal service?" Naruto asked innocently. Kyuubi's eyes opened wide, his pupil dilating and his fangs sharpening to deadly points.

"_You DARE compare me to that bastard mail-stacker?_" he hissed, sending spit flying. "_You shall take back those words, or I shall slaughter the postman and decorate your throat with his intestinal remains until you strange yourself to death…_"

Naruto stuck out his tongue and flicked Kyuubi away, sending him flying. "I said that as revenge for…whatever you just did to me!" he frowned. "I actually can't remember now…but I have this feeling of absolute release and freedom that was taken away from me, and it was somehow related to you."

Kyuubi scowled. "Castle. Stones. Zelda. Go. _Now_."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto sighed, scooping him up onto his hat. "You're such a nag."

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Naruto gazed up at the slowly lowering drawbridge.

"Kyuubi…somehow, from the fact that night fell in the middle of the afternoon and the ominously lowering drawbridge, I'm getting the feeling that something's not right," he said cautiously. Thunder cracked in the distance and rain began to beat down on his soaked-through green hat. He tugged the end absentmindedly. "Why am I wearing this thing, anyway…?"

Kyuubi bobbed up and down aimlessly as the drawbridge fell into place. "Over there," he observed, a large white creature slowly inching it's way through.

Katsuyu, Tsunade's giant slug, panted with exertion from 'flying through at full speed'. Although the slime-coated creature was crawling at a pace only a bit faster than grass grows, Naruto had trouble making out the figures riding on it's back. His eyes widened in realization when he caught a flash of pink material.

"Sasuke!" he hollered, but the slug was going to…uh, 'fast' for them to stop. Sasuke turned back to face Naruto.

"Oh, it's the dead last," he said, sounding bored. "We're being chased and I don't have time to talk, dumb ass. If you want, I can tuck you in and tell you a bed time story _after_ we get back."

"I'm not a little kid!" Naruto hissed. "I'm -"

"Yeah, yeah, Naruto Uzumaki, will be Hokage, the usual," Kakashi piped up from wear he sat cross-legged on Katsuyu, not looking up from the orange 'romance' novel. "Princess, the item."

"I don't know why I'm giving this to you," the Uchiha shrugged, before winding up his arm like a pitcher and tossing an object into the moat. He smirked. "Have fun soaking your head, dead last."

Naruto gave Sasuke a rude hand gesture. Katsuyu wriggled away, leaving a thick, identifiable slime trail behind. Once they were out of sight (which took a _long_ time – the sun was nearly beginning to come up) Naruto turned his attention to the pale figure leaning against the drawbridge, impatiently waiting for them to get away.

"About time," he muttered, cold amber eyes locking with Naruto's. The blonde ninja froze.

"Orochimaru…" he whispered fearfully.

Orochimaru cleared his throat and said in a deadpan voice, "Gee, darn. They got away. Hey kid, tell me which way they went or I'll…" he trailed off, looking thoughtful and grinning evilly. "I'll make you suffer," he decided.

"Uh…I see nothing, I know nothing," Naruto said nervously, tugging at his collar. Kyuubi cleared his throat.

"You heard him. Move along, now," he said sweetly. Orochimaru smirked.

"So, you think you can protect them," he cackled. "How cute. You've got guts, little boy."

"Look, I didn't see the, mister obviously-evil-power-hungry-madman-who-could-smite-me-without-thinking-twice," Naruto sighed. He drew his sword. "Now, listen, I don't want any trouble…but I'll fight you if I have to."

"Ignore him!" Kyuubi blurted out, pushing his charge behind him and reaching for his spoon, unseen by Orochimaru. "He's crazy – quite a sad story, really – combination of sun stroke and hysteria – his therapist says he's unstable - "

Orochimaru merely snickered ominously. "You want a piece of me? _Very_ funny, kid. You could make it as a comedian if this hero thing doesn't work out for you." He held out his arm, darkness collecting in his palm and forming a ball of power. "Let's see how you deal with a Rasengan!"

"That's not a Rasengan," Naruto protested, but his words melded into his yell of pain as he was flung backwards by the raw power. He landed roughly, skidding backwards on the wet grass.

"Don't you realize who you're dealing with?" Orochimaru demanded. "I am Ganondorf, and I will soon rule the world!" He laughed maniacally and rode off after the giant slug on a snake. Naruto watched him slither away through narrowed eyes.

"Jerk," he muttered. "He's just lucky my clothes are green. Otherwise, that would leave grass stains."

"Twerp, there are more pressing matters than your clothes!" Kyuubi snapped. "Like for instance, why did the sun suddenly rise up again after the dark, dramatic sequence ended?"

Someone off screen coughed pointedly, and Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Oh, and there's the whole Zelda being chased by Ganondorf thing and him wanting to take over the world to become it's dark ruler. We'll start with whatever Zelda threw at you, shall we?"

"I don't want it," Naruto huffed, sitting up and crossing his arms. "Anything that bastard _Sasuke_ gives me can't be _that_ useful."

"I think it's the Ocarina of Time," Kyuubi said in singsong. Naruto looked considering. Kyuubi continued, "Game namesake, Ocarina of Time. Prized possession of the Royal Family, Ocarina of Time. Will nab Kyuubi a sweet lump of cash if the twerp doesn't go retrieve it soon, Ocarina of Time…"

Naruto took a deep breath and plunged headfirst into the moat. Kyuubi sighed. "I was half-hoping he'd let me sell it…" he complained mournfully.

"You were right, Kyuubi!" Naruto said, resurfacing and holding up the Ocarina. "It was…the…" he began to look faint.

"Uh, twerp?" Kyuubi looked concerned. He held up a hand. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Naruto blinked slowly, his breathing becoming shallow. "…Twelve?"

Kyuubi stared at his hands. "That's not good, especially since I don't have fingers in the first place."

Naruto slipped into the water, blissfully unconscious. Kyuubi yelled frantically, "DAMN IT! Twerp, wake up! Get out of the water! TWERP!"

The last thing Naruto registered was a floating red orb swearing loudly before plunging in after him.

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"Hey, dead last. Can you hear me, or are you too water-logged?" a familiar voice drawled insultingly. Naruto blinked several times until his blurred vision focused on Sasuke who was standing at a strange altar, a strange hymn playing in the background.

"Zelda's at the altar?" Ino perked up joyfully and was about to leap onto the screen when Raidou held her back, looking uncomfortable and not even looking at the nude girl.

"Different altar," he said, voice tight with discomfort. Ino wilted, disappointed.

"Well, moron, if you can hear this, I'm long gone by now," Sasuke said, ignoring the commotion off screen. "I didn't really want to wait for you anyway, so this works out for everyone."

"Sasuke!" a stagehand said exasperatedly. "Follow the cue cards, would you?"

"Hn," Sasuke snorted. "I'll say what I want."

"Sasuke, play the role correctly," Kakashi reprimanded flatly, not looking up from his book. He was currently off to the side of the screen, mostly hidden as he lounged in a chair comfortably.

Sasuke sent his sensei a burning glare, but complied grudgingly. "I decided to leave you this Ocarina and this melody," he said dully, sounding a bit like a computer-modulated robot. "This song will open the Door of Time."

He lifted it to his lips and played along with the background music. When he finished, he looked expectantly at Naruto, who simply grimaced.

"Ew, I don't want to play this Ocarina," he frowned. "Your mouth was on it."

"You're underwater, dead last," Sasuke cocked an eyebrow. "It's clean by now. I'm not even really here."

"Then how come you're talking back to me?" Naruto countered. Sasuke sighed.

"It's because you're predictable, moron," he answered dully. Naruto looked caught.

"Am not!"

"Yes, you are," Sasuke replied, "and don't think I'm immature enough to start one of those 'am not, are too' things."

Naruto simply pouted at this point, and hesitantly played the song.

'You learned the Song of Time!' Read the dialogue box at the bottom of the screen. Sasuke clapped slowly and sarcastically.

"Good job," he congratulated. "The good thing about this song is there's no way even you can screw it up. If you forget it, which is likely, it'll be playing in the background."

"I won't screw it up!"

"Play this song at the altar in the Temple of Time," Sasuke instructed. "Unfortunately, you're the only one left who can protect the Triforce, so that's the only reason I'm trusting you with this. It's kind of depressing that you're the best choice left, but beggars can't be choosers. Oh wait," he frowned. "You keep chasing after Sakura, right? Never mind. I guess sometimes beggars can try to choose."

"Hey!" Naruto took a swipe at Sasuke, but his hand went right through him. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"I'm betting you just tried to hit me and failed," he said. "I told you before, I'm not even really here."

"Bastard," Naruto muttered, before his vision went black again.

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Naruto shook his head as he woke up, miraculously on the ground despite having passed out in the water. Kyuubi, who was floundering in the moat, looked shocked that Naruto had magically recovered from his coma and teleported out of the water.

"Twerp!" he burbled, but slipped under water again. Naruto screamed in terror and ran over to the moat, scooping Kyuubi up in his hands.

"Kyuubi, are you okay?" he asked worriedly. "Speak to me!"

Kyuubi coughed horribly, scratching his throat raw as he sputtered and spewed water up from his lungs. He breathed heavily, still coughing.

"Oh, thank Nayru," Naruto said, relieved. "I was worried I'd have to give mouth-to-mouth or something gross like that."

"You can't…give mouth-to-mouth…to a fairy…anyway," Kyuubi wheezed, voice raspy. "Dumbass…"

"Hey," Naruto frowned. "I just saved your life. The least you could do is show me some gratitude."

"Thanks for scaring me to death by passing out underwater," Kyuubi said sarcastically. "I really got a kick out of that. That's why I jumped in there in the first place!"

Naruto blinked. "You were worried about me?"

Kyuubi lost a bit of colour. "I…that is…I just…" He flushed and turned away. The readers cooed in awe at the cuteness of Kyuubi's embarrassment.

…Go on, go AWW.

Naruto sniggered and poked Kyuubi. "You were _worried_ about me," he taunted, before signing, "Kyuubi was worried, Kyuubi was worried, Kyuubi was worried…"

"SHUT UP!" Kyuubi whined, before getting irritated and brandishing his plastic fork. "Get going before I _shove_ you back into that moat!"

Naruto stopped promptly. "Uh, sorry," he apologized sheepishly. "Let's go."

Kyuubi escorted him into Hyrule market at fork point.

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Naruto looked around the pristine white temple, the Song of Time echoing throughout hauntingly. The altar seemed to sit miles away, strikingly bare and black against the white walls. The Triforce was engraved above the Door of Time. Naruto stared in awe, Kyuubi sulking at his side.

"I don't see why we had to skip the part where we saw the Great Fairy," Kyuubi remarked bitterly. Naruto batted at him automatically, taking a few hesitant steps towards the altar. He broke into a brisk walk in anxiousness.

"Ye who owns three Spiritual Stones," Naruto read softly, "Stand with the Ocarina of Time, and play the Song of Time."

"Nice, concise directions for a change," Kyuubi observed. Naruto took out each Spiritual Stone cautiously, handling each as though he feared they would shatter in his hands.

"Relax, twerp," Kyuubi muttered. "No need to act so nervous. Ha, alliteration." He chuckled softly at his own joke, earning a strange look from Naruto.

"Yeah, and I'm the one who's nervous," he snorted, still keeping his voice down.

"Why are we whispering in here?" Kyuubi inquired, whispering.

Naruto shrugged. "This place is all white and temple-y. Whispering adds to the mystique of it." He placed the final Stone, The Zora's Sapphire, in it's place. The three stones shone bright gold, almost blindingly so.

Above the Door of Time, the Triforce mark also glowed gold, and the stone door slid open slowly. Kyuubi and Naruto walked through the entrance slowly, because running just seemed inappropriate.

"Twerp…that's…" Kyuubi breathed, flitting over to the majestic sword stuck in the white stone pedestal. "The legendary blade…_The Master Sword_…"

Naruto walked over to the blade, placing his hands on the hilt. He gave Kyuubi a nervous, questioning look. The kitsune nodded, and Naruto nodded once.

The music changed as Naruto prepared himself, and pulled the sword out of it's pedestal. Around them, a strange blue light engulfed them, pulling them into a bright light.

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Through the white light, an evil chuckle penetrated the brightness like a scythe, and Orochimaru appeared in the center of the screen, grinning.

"Excellent work, little boy," he sneered. "As I thought, you held the keys to the Door of Time! You have led me to the gates of the Sacred Realm... Yes, I owe it all to you, kid!"

Orochimaru let out a long, roaring laugh, doubling over slightly and slapping his knee lightly. "Hoo boy…that's good…I love manipulating people…"

"Uh, Mr. Orochimaru, sir?" Raidou approached him meekly, intimidated. "Uh, I was told to inform you to get off the screen, because you're not technically speaking to anyone and you're taking up time. THOU MUST NOT KILL THE MESSENGER!" Raidou cowered.

Orochimaru blinked. "What do you mean, I'm not talking…" he frowned and looked around. "Alright, where the hell did that brat go?"

"Uh, they aren't here," Raidou informed him. "They left an entire time lapse line ago."

Orochimaru gaped indignantly. "Well, if no one's even going to bother listening to me, then I'll just be in my trailer!" he huffed, marching off screen. Somewhere, a door slammed. Raidou sighed in relief, running madly as fast as he could off screen.

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"Naruto…" There was a pause.

"Naruto, wake up…Naruto, the chosen one…"

Naruto groaned sleepily. "Five more minutes, 'kay…?"

The Sandaime rolled his eyes and whacked him over the head. "Wake up. I have a huge speech to deliver, and I want to get back to my trailer as soon as possible."

Naruto sat up, wide awake. "You get a trailer?" he said incredulously. "I didn't get a trailer, and I'm the main character! That's completely unfair!"

On the floor, Kyuubi stirred. "For the love of Nayru, what was I drinking and what was I hit with…?" he groaned. His eyes focusing, he rose up into the air. "Oh…the twerp's awake. That explains the sudden headache."

"I am Rauru, one of the ancient Sages," The Sandaime told the still half-asleep pair. "Ages ago, we ancient Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to the Sacred Realm. This is the Chamber of Sages, inside the Temple of Light, which is situated in the very center of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf's evil forces. The Master Sword – the evil-destroying sword that you pulled out of the Pedestal of Time – was the final key to the Sacred Realm."

"Long winded much?" Kyuubi yawned. "I think you nearly put me back to sleep, old geezer."

"Now, Naruto," The Sandaime said, "Don't be alarmed…take a look at yourself?"

Naruto blinked. "That's kind of hard for me. I don't suppose you have a full-length mirror?"

"Oh, right," The Sandaime snapped his fingers, a mirror forming out of silver liquid seemingly out of nowhere. Naruto's eye bugged right out of their sockets.

"HOLY MOTHER OF DIN!" Naruto shrieked. "I GREW UP!"

"Y-You…" Kyuubi stuttered.

"I'm big!" Naruto pawed at his reflection in awe.

"You're…" Kyuubi's jaw dropped.

"I'm older!" Naruto looked absolutely dumbfounded.

"YOU'RE A DEAD RINGER FOR THE YONDAIME!" Kyuubi hissed, forming religious symbols in front of him and baring his fangs. "Back! Back, foul creature! Imprison _me_, will you!"

"Kyuubi!" Naruto looked startled, holding up his hands defensively. "It's me! Just calm down…relax…"

Kyuubi was still breathing heavily, clutching the place over his heart. He nearly passed out from lack of oxygen. He began to wilt, Naruto catching him in mid-fall and placing him atop his hat.

"Not only am I bigger, I conveniently grew clothes in the right size," Naruto commented. The Sandaime looked shifty eyed.

"Yes. That's how that happened," he said, not sounding dodgy in the least. "Now, if it's alright with everyone, I have a lot more monologue to deliver."

"_Deliver!_" Kyuubi shrieked, writhing in agonizing insanity. Naruto clamped two fingers over the kitsune's ears.

"Continue, but try not to mention anything having to do with the Y-O-N-D-A-I-M-E or the P-O-S-T-M-A-N around the F-A-I-R-Y."

"I can spell better than you can," Kyuubi pointed out ruefully. He was ignored.

"The Master Sword is a sacred blade which evil ones may never touch. Only one worthy of the title of 'Hero of Time' can pull it from the Pedestal of Time. However, you were too young to be the Hero of Time... Therefore, your spirit was sealed here for seven years, and now that you are old enough, the time has come for you to awaken as the Hero of Time!"

Naruto frowned. "Question…how can I grow up if I'm a Kokiri? They're not supposed to grow up."

The Sandaime blinked and pulled out a cue card. "I cannot answer that question at this time or location without the presence of our lawyers."

"Another thing!" Naruto piped up. "You said I aged seven years, but I can't have aged more than two or three years!"

"You aged seven years," The Sandaime snapped.

"But look at me," Naruto protested. "I'm maybe around fifteen, maximum. There's no way I was asleep for _seven years_."

"Look, the stage directions say seven years, so _damn it_, you aged seven years!" The Sandaime yelled. Naruto fell silent, eyes wide. For a minute, the only sound was Kyuubi's dry sobs. The Sandaime cleared his throat.

"So…I'm assuming you understand your destiny now," he coughed. "But, remember –though you opened the Door of Time in the name of peace, Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves, used it to enter this forbidden Sacred Realm! He obtained the Triforce from the Temple of Light, and with its power, he became the King of Evil... his evil power radiated from the temples of Hyrule, and in seven short years, it transformed Hyrule into a world of monsters."

"Oh boy," Naruto said 'excitedly'. "More monsters to attack and potentially molest me. I'm so eager to go out and kill even more, tougher enemies."

"My power now has only little influence, even in this Sacred Realm," The Sandaime continued as though Naruto hadn't said anything. "Namely, this Chamber of Sages. But there is still hope... the power of the Sages remains. When the power of all the Sages is awakened, the Sages' Seals will contain all the evil power in the void of the Realm. I, Rauru, am one of those Sages."

"So I don't need to get through any annoying temples or anything to find you?" Naruto grinned. "Kick ass!"

"Your power to fight together with the Sages – even though we'll basically do nothing to help you and let you do all the work – makes you the Hero of Time, the hero chosen by the Master Sword!" The Sandaime proclaimed. Naruto pumped a fist enthusiastically.

"Hah! I'm an awesome hero! In your face, Sasuke, wherever you are!" he stuck his tongue out at the screen. "Who's the dead last _now?_"

"Ahem," The Sandaime coughed irritably. Naruto obediently fell silent and let the Sandaime continue. "Hero of Time, keep my spirit with you, and find the other Sages to add their might to your own!"

"Cue the Medallion!" one of the stagehands yelled, and a bright, gaudy yellow Medallion tied to a thin piece of string lowered itself from the ceiling. It was almost at the right height when the string snapped suddenly, and the Medallion dropped on the floor. Naruto looked around, shrugged, and picked it up as the Sandaime dragged a hand down his face, shamed.

'You received the Light Medallion!' the dialogue box read. 'Rauru the Sage adds his power to yours! I'm sure that means a lot to you, seeing as he's a character who appears only for a five-minute explanatory sequence before he disappears for pretty much the rest of the parody!'

The screen went white, and the Sandaime said solemnly, "Find the other Sages and save Hyrule!"

Kyuubi swore. "Why the hell are we always the ones to have to save the world, anyway?"

The screen went blank.

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Yay! A long chapter finally finished, not to mention a HUGE plot point! Next chapter is Sheik…and some other unimportant characters. And SHEIK!

By the way, the two-three year time jump thing refers to the time skip in the Naruto series, just for the people who didn't know.

Comments? Concerns? Hated it? Loved it? Guesses? Gloats?


	17. At Least You Aren't Under the Hill!

Disclaimer: I disclaim it all! Y'know what, I don't even WANT it! (Mumbles) Jerks…

NO ONE correctly guessed who Sheik would be! Good work to **Master of Anime**, who guessed the closest! …But it still wasn't right.

Thanks to my reviewers **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, **Komo Pineconeseed**, **Darkness Embers**, **Gorion1928**, and **Megaolix**. I love you all, but they reviewed first!

And for those who **_don't_** review…shame on you. Just…shame on you. SHAME!

Congratulations are also in order – good work, **Darkness Embers**! You've had the most correct guesses so far!

Now I'm sure you're all sick of my rambling – to the chapter, troops! ONWARD!

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Naruto blinked his bright blue eyes as his vision began to clear and the blue light faded. Kyuubi, who was used to having bright light in his eyes seeing as he, technically, was one, looked around.

"We're back in the Temple of Time," he notified Naruto, who was rubbing his eyes slightly. "It looks the same as it did before…I wonder if seven years actually passed."

"I doubt it," Naruto commented. "There's no _way_ I'm nineteen. Are you listening to my voice? If I was nineteen, it'd be _much_ deeper."

"Oh, twerp," Kyuubi sighed. "You shouldn't try to fool yourself like that."

"Hey!"

"Check it out," Kyuubi sounded startled. "By the looks of things, you can't use some of the weapons you had as a kid anymore…"

"WHAT?" Naruto shrieked, eyes popping comically. "That's not fair! I'm only left with Deku nuts and Bombs! This is an outrage!" Naruto looked up to protest to his fairy, but Kyuubi was frozen, a bit of drool leaking from his mouth. "…Kyuubi? Are you okay?"

"Twerp…my spoon…my fork…" he stammered. "I…can't use them anymore…"

Naruto's breath caught. "W-What did you say?" he stuttered. "That can't be possible. How will we defend ourselves without…?"

"No, twerp, you don't understand," Kyuubi began to grin broadly, and he took something out from hammer space. The triumphant 'You got an item!' music played as he held the precious utensil in his hands.

"…A _spork_," Kyuubi breathed. "It's…so beautiful…"

Naruto fell to his knees, staring up in awe of the almighty utensil. "A spork…" he smiled. "I see now. In the future, we receive weapons with greater capabilities than ever before! We shall be all-powerful, leaving heroism in our wake…"

"Now quite, twerp," Kyuubi corrected, playing absently with his spork. "Case in point one; _I'm_ the one with the spork. Anyone who expects heroism out of me after giving me a weapon like that is in for a big surprise. Case in point two; _I'm_ the one with a new weapon. You've got nothing."

Naruto blinked once. He blinked again. Then he realized what Kyuubi meant. "Hey, yeah!" he frowned. "How come I don't get any new weapons?"

"My guess is that, in all likelihood, _your_ new weapons are hidden all nice and tucked away in labyrinth-like Temples that bear similarities to the dungeons you did as a kid," Kyuubi said casually. "The few key differences, of course, will be that they are longer with stronger monsters and harder puzzles to figure out. The bosses will be stronger and their capacity to take damage will increase almost tenfold. To sum it up, you're basically screwed, especially seeing as -"

"Kyuubi!" a stagehand yelled, obviously tired. "You've been reading ahead in the script, haven't you?"

"I need something to read before I sleep," the fairy shrugged. "How else do you think they conked me out for seven years?"

"Just…stop doing that, then, and try to leave the Temple," the stagehand yelled. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes.

"You know, I don't think I've seen you around before," he grinned. "Are you new?"

"_Kyuubi_."

"Fine!" he snapped irritably. "Sweet _Nayru_, can't a kitsune do a little bit of catching up? It's been years since I've seen these people, after all!" Kyuubi made a face and turned back to Naruto, who had been ignoring everyone since Kyuubi had mentioned the Temples. His eyes were glazed eerily. Kyuubi snapped his fingers a couple of times.

"Come on, I'm not babysitting the walking dead, no matter who asks me," Kyuubi snapped his fingers. "Come on, twerp, wake up. You've had your seven-year nap, so there's no excuse for you being tired…"

"I'm alive," Naruto jumped, snapping back to reality. "Let's get out of here…this place is starting to get to me. It's getting shivers…like I'm being watched."

"You are being watched," a soft voice said from behind. Naruto jumped and drew his Master Sword, closing his eyes and swinging it wildly. The person behind him jumped back, startled.

"There's no need for that," the person said. "I don't mean you any harm."

"Yeah, right," Naruto scoffed. "You're supposed to be dead, right? You probably came to kill me to get revenge on my team!"

Kyuubi flicked the back of Naruto's head. "You idiot, those dead members of the Sound Five came back, didn't they?"

"Yeah, and they were trying to kill me!" Naruto said reasonably, holding out his sword at the masked boy. "So what does that tell you?"

"That was their character, Naruto," Haku pointed out reasonably. "I'm not here to harm you. In fact, I'm here to help you in an obscure, poetic way. I'm kind of a replacement for that owl."

"Fuzzy Eyebrows is out of the parody?" Naruto inquired, astonished.

"I'm not at liberty to answer that," Haku replied, taking a cautious step forward. "Now, if you don't mind, can I say my soliloquy…?"

"Oh, yeah, go ahead," Naruto sat down, still a bit wary of the effeminate boy. "Can I ask a quick question, though?"

"Of course," Haku said.

Naruto hesitated. "Uh…are you playing a male or female role?"

Kyuubi nudged him painfully, and Naruto grimaced. "What? It's an honest question!"

"Actually, that's why I was chosen for this role," Haku shrugged. "There's an argument going on about whether my character is male or female. In some games, Sheik is female, while in others, Sheik is male."

"Why would that even be subject for debate?" Naruto blinked. Haku laughed uneasily.

"No reason," he answered shiftily. "Anyway…can I…?"

"Oh, right," Naruto nodded. "Go ahead. I'll shut up now."

"Thank you," Haku said, before he began his speech. "I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time. When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be Sages, who dwell in the five temples. One in a deep forest... One on a high mountain... One under a vast lake... One within the house of the dead... One inside a Goddess of the sand..."

Naruto sniggered immaturely. "Hear that? I get to go inside a Goddess of the sand…"

From the audience, Temari scowled. "You better watch yourself, punk," she scowled. Kankuro inched away from her nervously.

Haku gave him a look, and Naruto stopped. He continued, "Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world. This is legend of the Temples passed down by my people, the Sheikah."

Haku paused. "My name is Sheik. I am the survivor of the Sheikah."

"What?" Naruto blurted out. "You're the last one? Is Kakashi-sensei gone, too, then?"

Haku opened his mouth to answer, but paused. "Uh…" he responded intelligently. "Impa is…that is, I…" he sighed. "I don't see why I have to do this. I'm sure there would be better people for this role…I don't even have red eyes…I'm not a blonde, either…"

"Neither is Zelda," Kyuubi comforted. "You're doing fine. Just ignore the twerp when he talks and keep saying your lines."

Haku smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

Kyuubi returned to his spot by Naruto, hitting him on his way past. "Shut up," he hissed. "You're hurting the pretty girl's feelings."

Naruto blinked before whispering back, "Haku is a _boy_."

"He is?" Kyuubi blinked. "…_Damn_."

"As I see you standing there holding the mythical Master Sword, you really do look like the legendary Hero of Time," Haku mused. "If you believe the legend, you have no choice. You must look for the five temples and awaken the five Sages..."

"And if I don't believe in the legend? What then?" Naruto challenged. Haku shrugged.

"You're out of the parody, I guess."

Naruto opened his mouth to say something, looking joyfully triumphant, but Haku continued. "I guess that would also make everything you've done up to this point meaningless, and on top of that you wouldn't get paid or get to go to the cast after-party."

Naruto closed his mouth, looking disappointed. Haku gave him an expectant look. Not getting a response, he went on with his speech.

"One Sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The Sage is a girl I am sure you know. Because of the evil power in the temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm..."

"So it's Saria, then," Kyuubi said decisively. Haku looked caught.

"Uh…no, it's not."

"Yes, it is," Kyuubi insisted. "We don't _know_ any other girls from the forest. Unless the writers just plan on introducing a completely random new character, it can't be anyone else, and you ruled out that possibility when you said it was a girl we knew."

Haku sighed. "This is why it wasn't a good idea to put me in this role. I'm not good at keeping these kinds of secrets."

"I knew my bad feeling was right," Naruto said solemnly. "I said it way back in chapter nine that I didn't feel like I'd be seeing her for a long, long time. I have proof," he said, shoving a script under the kitsune's nose. Naruto gasped. "Maybe I'm psychic…"

"Psychics usually don't have a script to follow," Kyuubi pointed out, pushing the script away. Naruto grumbled childishly.

"Listen, I only have a few more lines to say," Haku said desperately. "Can you please just let me finish? Then you two can bicker all you want. I'm just tired."

"Sorry," the two mumbled in unison. Haku gave them both a small smile.

"As you both noticed, you won't get very far equipped as you are," Haku said. "If you believe what I'm saying, you should head to Kakariko village."

"Alright!" Naruto jumped up. "A new weapon! Thanks, Haku!"

"No problem," Haku said. "I'm glad you found something I said of help."

Naruto and Kyuubi left, the red orb casting strange, disbelieving looks back at Haku and muttering something about too much cross dressing for one parody.

Haku sighed when they left. "Good. Now I can get a head start for when they go to the forest. Nayru, I hate this role…"

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"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HYRULE MARKET?" Naruto shrieked, looking around the dark, desolate market. ReDeads lingered around the market square, groaning pointlessly every once in awhile.

"Hell happened to Hyrule Market, twerp," Kyuubi replied in a bored voice, sitting atop Naruto's hat as he usually did when he felt lazy. "I don't suppose you remember these things, do you?"

Naruto shook his head and Kyuubi muttered darkly, "Man, are you in for a nasty surprise…"

Naruto looked uneasy as he 'stealthily' scrambled for the exit. Before he could get there, a ReDead looked up and met his eyes. The blonde froze in terror.

"I'm…paralysed," he gasped. "Kyuubi! Help me!"

"What can I do, twerp?" he snapped frantically, buzzing around pointlessly. "Try to get free somehow!"

"Kyuubi…" he said, sounding a lot like his younger self. His face scrunched up in fear. "Oh god, I'm going to get molested _again_…I was kind of thinking it would stop once I became an adult…"

"Please!" Kyuubi scoffed. "You're not an adult! You can't be more than fifteen, maximum!"

Naruto gaped. "That's what I've been _saying_…"

The ReDead moaned again, advancing predatorily. Naruto screamed again. "For Din's sake, Kyuubi, _do something!_"

"Weapon, I need a weapon," Kyuubi said, mostly unaware of what he was saying in the first place. His eyes lit up. "_Spork_…"

He drew the mighty utensil out, the spork glittering, a feat all in itself seeing as the sun was completely blocking from view.

"DIE, ZOMBIE RAPIST!" he bellowed, moving faster than the eye could see. The camera did an extreme zoom-out for dramatic effect, and the ReDead's dying scream of pain of agony echoed throughout Hyrule. The citizens of Hyrule looked up in mild confusion, and birds everywhere took off from their perches.

Neji, in the audience, opened his mouth, eyes scanning frantically as he counted. Tenten nudged him and shook her head. The Hyuuga prodigy sulked visibly.

Rock Lee, now in human form, sat down next to his female teammate. "Greetings, Tenten!" he somehow managed to whisper exuberantly. "Having no more part in this parody for a while, I have decided to join you and my esteemed rival in the audience!"

"Get comfortable," Tenten replied. "The three of us won't be in this for a long while. Popcorn?"

Rock Lee accepted, munching of the salty snack joyfully.

Back on screen, Naruto was rushing for the exit, tripping over his feet. Kyuubi whistled, spinning his spork in his hand casually, giving threatening looks as he passed by ReDeads. The undead monsters avoided looking at him, cowering slightly.

"No one can keep up when they tango with the kitsune," Kyuubi said smugly. "Damn…I still got it."

"Kyuubi, hurry up!" Naruto called from the exit. Kyuubi flitted over.

"Wait a second," Naruto paused, holding up a hand. "Isn't this that place where I used to smash pots for money?"

Kyuubi looked troubled. "Are you sure you want to go in there? Who knows what it's become," he warned.

Naruto pushed open the door and poked his head in hesitantly.

The pots were almost all gone, and in the corner sat a creepy, one eyed man draped in a deep purple cloak. His skeletal feet hung over the side of his seat, and above him was a shelf where two fiery Poe spirits lit up the room in an eerie green glow.

"Uh…" Naruto entered. "What happened to this place?"

The man looked up – at least, Naruto supposed, and cackled softly. "Oh…what an energetic young man. You're brave and handsome, too."

"W-What?" Naruto stammered. "Uh…how did you know I was brave?"

"You'd have to be to enter this place," the man pointed out. "However, I know much more…your name is Naruto, isn't it?"

Naruto's eyes grew wide, and the man cackled again. "Don't worry, young man…I can read minds."

"Gee, that puts me at ease," Naruto muttered sarcastically. The man laughed maliciously.

"You know, if I looked as good as you, I could run a…_different_ kind of business," the man mused. He paused a moment, and Naruto began to pale rapidly.

"You are _sick!_ You stay the hell away from the twerp, you hear me?" Kyuubi snarled, drawing his spork. "My lawyers will be hearing about this! You'll be lucky if I don't slap a death sentence on you! A restraining order is all you'll get, if you're lucky…"

"Well, that was only partly what I meant," the man said hastily. "I also meant I could go into the entertainment business, like I've always dreamed. For instance," he drew out a deck of cards. "Pick one, any one."

Naruto hesitated and reluctantly plucked out the three of clubs. The man held out a hand and began to hum in a creepy manner.

"I see…I see…your card was…the six of hearts!" The man said triumphantly. Naruto blinked and turned the card around.

"Nope," he shook his head. "I thought you said you could read minds?"

The man narrowed his single eye. "Do _you_ want to question the script? _Do_ you?"

Naruto frowned. "Well…no. That probably wouldn't be wise. If we did that, the plot would fall apart and the author would resort to cheap tactics to hold the parody together."

Kyuubi nodded in agreement, sitting on top of Naruto's hat. "Not to mention that I'm the most susceptible to those kinds of things – I don't know if anyone's noticed, but the Goddesses seem to be working with the author against me." He didn't notice his wings get suddenly sticky with glue. The adhesive worked like Velcro as his wings seemed to stick together. Kyuubi was still contently oblivious.

"Until I can finally break into the business, I run the only Ghost shop in Hyrule," the man boasted. "Because of the Great Ganondorf, my business is booming! I can only hope the world becomes even worse!" He cackled gleefully.

"It's people like you that make my job even harder, you jerk!" Naruto scowled angrily. "Do you know how many non-playable characters are out there like you to make it hard for a hero to do his job? It's even _worse_ when they support the evil…uh…" he lifted his eyes up to Kyuubi. "What's it called when kings rule a country?"

"Anarchy," Kyuubi replied simply. The Ghost seller rolled his eye.

"It's a monarchy," he snapped. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Same thing, really," he took out his nail file and went back to tuning out the conversation. Naruto snapped his fingers.

"Monarchy, that was it. It's worse for me when they support the evil monarchy," he finished.

The Ghost seller shrugged. "Not my problem. And can you blame me? This job is a hell of a lot better than my old one as a guard. All I did was stand around and occasionally watch some hero kid break pots for money."

"Wait…" Naruto said slowly. "_You_ were that guard?"

Ebisu looked at him suspiciously. "What's it to you?"

Naruto opened his mouth to answer, but was hit on the head – hard – by Kyuubi. He shut his mouth. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Please continue with your mini-speech…thing."

Ebisu gave him a final wary look and continued. "These Ghosts are called Poes, spirits of concentrated hatred that roam graveyards and the field. They hate the world! If by some chance you manage to catch one, bring it to me and I'll pay a lot of money for it…" he gave Naruto an appraising look. "Of course, that's not all I'd pay a lot for, if you ever change your mind…"

"No thanks," Naruto said hastily, almost knocking Kyuubi off his hat as he bolted for the door. "Been _real_ nice talking to you, sir, but I have a world to save, so goodbye!"

Naruto slammed the door behind him, panting. On top of his head, Kyuubi was beginning to realize the problem with his wings.

"Damn it!" he yelled. "The second things start to get stale, I'm the one to take the fall, is that it? I can't catch a break around here!"

Out of nowhere, a brick went flying straight at the fairy. Naruto, seeing how close it was coming to his head, yelped and ducked, Kyuubi falling to the ground as he did so.

"Damn it, I said _break_, not brick!" he hollered, before wilting miserably. "I hate this parody."

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"Why is it that we keep going to the creepiest possible places we can find?" Naruto wondered. "We arrive in Kakariko, possibly the _only_ safe haven left in Hyrule, and the first place we go is to the graveyard. Can someone tell me why that is?"

"You see, twerp," Kyuubi explained, beating away a Poe with his spork, "in the world, there are what we of the psychiatric world like to call 'sadistic psychopaths'. These people take pleasure in the suffering of others, you see? In this case, the psychopath, or 'the author' as we've so affectionately named her, _writes_ about it."

Naruto paused to absorb Kyuubi's statement. "…Since when are you of the psychiatric world?" he paused again. "And how did your wings get unstuck, anyway?"

"Plot devices. Now forget that for now, twerp," Kyuubi said soothingly. "We've reached our destination; the grave keeper's house."

Naruto entered the musty shack, flipping open an old book. He read aloud, "Dampé the grave digger's diary. Today that little kid who pretends to be me tried to help me dig a grave for Bunnikins. I appreciated the thought; I'm still very sad that Bunnikins was killed by that rabid Cucco…"

"Keep looking, twerp," Kyuubi chastised. "I don't think that's supposed to help us at all."

Naruto flipped the next couple of pages. "How about this one? 'Whoever reads this, please enter my grave. I will let you have my stretching, shrinking keepsake. I'll be waiting for you.' That can't be it," Naruto shook his head. "Last time a guy told me I could have his 'stretching, shrinking keepsake' I had to go through three years of therapy."

Kyuubi hit him. "This game is supposed to be rated 'E' for 'Everyone', and this was actual game script. I'm thinking it would be wise to check his grave, and I haven't been wrong yet, have I?"

"No," Naruto admitted sullenly. "That doesn't mean you haven't risked my life a thousand times already based on _guesses_ and _hunches_ and _thoughts_."

Kyuubi sighed. "Look, I didn't want to come right out and say it, but it's in the Guidebook, okay?"

"Let's go," Naruto grabbed Kyuubi and darted out the door.

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Ibiki hovered above the ground, swinging his lamp in boredom. He barely flinched when a loud blonde fell down from seemingly nowhere, a fairy tumbling in after him.

"Oh, good," Ibiki said. "Someone finally read my diary and found out where I was."

Kyuubi rubbed his head and floated upwards. "I've never been appreciated for invading privacy before," he commented. "It's a refreshing change."

"You," Ibiki pointed at Naruto. "Young man, are you fast on your feet?"

"I guess so," the blonde shrugged. "I can run away from a potential rapist in ten seconds flat. On a bad day, it might take me thirty."

"Excellent," Ibiki grinned. "Then let's have a race, shall we? If you win, I'll give you my precious item…but if we tie, you can never race against me again," he cackled.

"Alright, that doesn't sound too bad," Naruto began, but Ibiki continued.

"And if you lose, I'll take your place as the hero of this parody, and your soul will be trapped down here for all eternity," he sneered. "So, will you race or not?"

"Dampé, say your lines the way they're written!" a stagehand yelled. "You know for a fact it's impossible for him to win, and none of those consequences are true!"

"Wait, I can't win?" Naruto looked incredulous. "What's the point of a race, then?"

"I'm just trying to make things a bit more interesting!" Ibiki protested. Someone pelted a script at him and he grumbled, batting it away. "Okay, okay! I'll stick to your damn script…"

"I _can't win?_" Naruto persisted, stamping his foot a bit for effect. Ibiki rolled his eyes.

"Alright, on your mark, get set, go," he said, sounding unenthused as he flew through the door. Naruto yelped and followed after him, running after him and rolling occasionally. Ibiki pelted a fireball at the blonde, who rolled around it easily but still looked outraged.

"What the hell?" he yelled. "Why are you doing that for?"

"I'm making things interesting," he called back. "Better hurry up, young man, I'm not going to wait up for you!"

The two of them weaved throughout the maze-like grave, Naruto barely keeping up with Ibiki; not that it mattered, seeing as he needed to follow the man in order to know which way to go.

Ibiki pressed a button on his stopwatch. "One minute, three seconds," he said, mildly impressed. "Not bad for a kid your age, and you managed to keep up with me, too. As a reward, I'll give you treasure. It's called the Hookshot – it's a spring-loaded chain that will pull you to any spot where the hook sticks. Sound cool?"

"Yes!" Naruto gasped for breath, still panting. "Gimme!"

"Twerp," Kyuubi chided, nudging him. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Gimme, _please_," he corrected himself sweetly. Kyuubi nodded, a satisfied smile on his face. Ibiki snapped his fingers and a chest appeared. Naruto flung it open with anticipation and grabbed the Hookshot inside, the 'You got an item!' music playing as he did so.

"Be careful on your way, back, kid," Ibiki warned with a chuckle. "There's something even more terrifying than the graveyard on the other side…"

"Yeah, like anything else could be as bad," Kyuubi remarked dryly. "Come on, twerp. Let's get out of here."

The two of them bolted for the exit. Naruto drew out his Ocarina of Time when he saw the giant blue blocks blocking the door.

"You know, I wonder what Dampé was trying to warn us about," Kyuubi wondered, Naruto playing the Song of Time to make the Time blocks disappear. Naruto shrugged.

"Nothing can be as bad as -" he froze when he heard a familiar, frantic tune playing. He let out a shuddering gasp.

"It can't possibly lead…" he began, but Kyuubi shoved him forward.

"It's got to be a trick or something," he insisted, pushing him forward. "It can't be…I mean, he can't…"

"GO AROUND!" Gai-sensei crowed as usual, but something was wrong. He giggled maniacally, cranking his instrument faster and faster, his eyes shining his rage as his brow furrowed, an evil grin spread wide over his face. "Go around…go around…faster and faster, out of control…" he twitched spasmodically. "I'll never forget that day, seven years ago…that damn Ocarina kid, who took away all I lived for…my precious windmill and my prized student, Lee!" he cackled insanely. "GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"

Naruto tried to slink away, unnoticed, but Gai-sensei suddenly tilted his head to the side creepily, staring _directly at Naruto_.

Naruto froze, looking down at the Ocarina in his hand and back up at Gai. He did the only thing he could think of.

He screamed.

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Ha, how's that for a cliffhanger?

Yeah…I know, not very good. Oh well! Just so everyone knows, absolutely NO knew characters appear next chapter! However, in two chapters, we have the arrival of the Poe Sisters! Well…three of them, anyway! Any guesses for them?

Thank you all for reading, but CURSE YOU if you read this far and you aren't even CONSIDERING reviewing! A DREAFUL CURSE, I SAY!


	18. Who Can Forget the Main Character?

Ready? OKAY!

D-I-S-C-L!

The first letters that I can spell!

A-I-M-E-R!

Fanfiction won't get me far!

'CAUSE I OWN NOTHING! YAY!

So…who should I thank this chapter…? Thanks to **Anything For You**, **BlooDy-MaY**, **Komo Pineconeseed**, **tsuki akina**, **Mikomi-Kiyoko**, **Illuminated Shadow**, **Darkness Embers**,** kuroiryuu** and, last but definitely not least, **The All-Seeing Sharingan**!

Wow, that's a lot of names…therefore, an announcement: I'm limiting myself to thanking FIVE people per chapter! I always feel bad when I don't mention someone, but in all likelihood I'll thank you next chapter! And, I'll probably just thank whoever I can remember off the top of my head, so PLEASE don't be offended if I don't thank you! I really do love you all!

One last thing – all characters that have been revealed will stay the same! So no, Saria won't suddenly be replaced after the time gap, and (although we know this by now) Sasuke, who's already Zelda, won't also be Sheik.

Now, to the chapter! READY? OKAY!

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Naruto marched through Kakariko, not really paying attention to where he was going. Kyuubi was floating behind him cautiously, giving the blonde strange looks.

"Uh…are you sure…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Kyuubi frowned in concern. "But…last chapter left off at kind of an awkward time, and I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering how you escaped…"

Naruto stopped and spun around. "I SAID I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

Kyuubi held up his hands. "Okay, okay…but keep in mind that usually talking about it makes it better…"

Naruto nodded numbly and stopped. "Hey…look where we are," he noticed. "It's Yashamaru."

Yashamaru took notice of the blonde and smiled, but froze at the sight of Kyuubi. His face twisted with anger. "YOU!"

"Ah," Kyuubi said shortly. "Uh…hello. Long time no see, Anju."

"YOU are that damn kitsune-fairy from seven years!" Yashamaru scowled. "You _massacred_ my Cuccos back then! I was out of a job thanks to you!"

"The twerp's chicken-catching skills left much to be desired," Kyuubi said defensively. "I was merely trying to chase them back into their little pen!"

Yashamaru looked unimpressed, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. "Is that so? That's funny, because I _distinctly_ recall you yelling 'Death to feathery goodness!' and cackling evilly as you sank your fangs into them!"

Kyuubi looked touched. "You even remembered my battle cry?"

Yashamaru huffed. "It was completely thanks to you that I was forced into another job, and that one involved biology! Do you know how horrible I am at science?"

"My fork had never been so useful," Kyuubi reminisced, ignoring Yashamaru.

"I ended up developing this stupid pocket-sized Cucco by some freak accident rather than do anything useful in my new job," Yashamaru held out a tiny chicken egg. "I certainly don't want it, so now I'm unemployed – again – and carrying around this stupid egg!"

"I'll take it off your hands," Naruto offered. "I'm pretty good at handling chickens."

"No, you're not," Kyuubi blinked. Yashamaru ignored the kitsune, eager to get rid of the useless chicken.

"Alright! All you need to know about them is that Cuccos get great joy from waking up people by crowing," he informed the blonde. "In fact, the lazier the person is, the happier the Cucco gets. Understand?"

Naruto frowned. "I don't think I know anyone like that."

"Someone _really_ lazy," Yashamaru hinted. "Someone who, if they were by some coincidence kicked out of their ranch, would be sleeping in that house right over there."

Naruto stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I see…Yashamaru, I don't suppose you're trying to tell me something?"

Yashamaru grabbed Naruto's shoulders and spun him around to face the house he was referring to. "That house right there," he said exasperatedly. "There may be someone inside that house that's really lazy that you could awake."

Kyuubi sighed. "Twerp, Shikamaru's in there, sawing logs."

"Oh!" Naruto realized. "I think I see what you're getting at, Kyuubi. Someone extremely lazy is possibly in that house, and I should go check it out. I wonder who it possibly could be?" he wondered. Kyuubi gave Yashamaru a look.

"And _that_ is how you give the twerp a hint," he said decisively.

"You outright told him," Yashamaru scowled. Kyuubi nodded.

"It's the only way the twerp starts getting the idea that you're getting at something," he explained. "You see, having lived in his body for about twelve years, I know that as a child he tried some very toxic fluids hoping they were drinkable…"

"Kyuubi, hurry up!" Naruto called. "I think there's something we're supposed to do in here!"

Kyuubi gave Yashamaru an apologetic grin and whizzed away. The man simply scowled, watching the kitsune leave hatefully.

"Twerp, you need to play the Sun's Song a couple of times to make the egg hatch first," Kyuubi notified his charge. "Or, you know, we could do the more honest thing and wait it out for a day."

Naruto brought out his Ocarina, and Kyuubi sighed happily, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "I've taught you so well."

Day switched to night, which switched back to day in mere seconds for the blonde and his fairy. The dialogue box at the bottom read 'The egg you were incubating somehow managed to hatch in a matter of seconds! If that's not a miracle of life, I don't know what is!'

"Alright, twerp, let's go," Kyuubi urged him through the door. Naruto gasped.

"Shikamaru!" he rushed over to his sleeping friend. "Oh god, he's dead! How could this have happened? He was so young!" he began to sob, burying his face in his hands sadly.

"He's just asleep, brat," Kyuubi told him, checking for a pulse. "I thought you were supposed to be friends or something? Even first-time show watchers know how lazy he is."

Naruto lifted his tear-stained face. "Oh, yeah." He brought out his tiny chicken, and it crowed gleefully. Kyuubi gave it a longing look.

"It's been seven years since I last ate one of those," he said regretfully. "I suppose a quick taste wouldn't hurt, right twerp? Just a quick nibble?"

Naruto glowered at the fairy. "Stay away from it," he warned, "or I'll tell the author she can start using the scene outtakes we told her not to use."

Kyuubi froze. "You wouldn't dare," he said lowly. "There's as much dirt on you in those outtakes and you know it."

"Ah," Naruto said mysteriously, "but would I risk it anyway? Maybe I'm bluffing. Maybe I'm not…"

Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "I hate you."

"No, you don't," the blonde responded sweetly. "According to outtake number -"

"SHUT UP! I'll stay away from your Din-damned chicken, so just shut up!" he hollered. The sky overhead flashed red.

"I recognize that curse," Din said slowly. "Is it that kitsune?"

The sky flashed green in curiosity. "Kyuubi?"

The kitsune's breath caught in his throat. "Oh, damn." He stepped outside, shutting the door behind him. "Din! Farore! Long time, no see!"

"There he goes again," Farore grumbled. "I'm always the last to be mentioned."

Kyuubi chuckled nervously, and in attempt to cover up he called, "Oh, and I'm sure Nayru's up there, too! Hi, Nayru!"

"Hello," the blue Goddess replied. "It's been seven years, hasn't it?"

"And what crazy years they've been," Kyuubi said airily. "So, what can I help you ladies with? I don't suppose we could all get together some time, maybe discuss current events over lunch…"

"No, I think we can talk _right now_," Farore insisted with false cheer. Din was a little more to the point.

"Where the hell were you, Kyuubi?" she asked darkly. "Our little contest never finished with your sudden disappearance."

Kyuubi shrank into himself, looking awkward. "Ah, well, you know," he let out a loud, false laugh. "Things happen, right? Sorry I couldn't help you girls decide who the more, uh…powerful Goddess was," he then muttered to himself, "because making fairies in already delicate states from losing their original forms cry is powerful, all right…"

"Oh, that's alright, Kyuubi," Farore said breezily, "because since our contest never came to an end, I suppose we'll just have to carry it on again, won't we?"

"Oh, no, that's not necessary," Kyuubi hastened to say, but Din just spoke right over him.

"That's right," Din agreed. "I believe the terms were the first to make him cry would win?"

"I believe you are correct, dear sister," Farore said. "Shall we update the terms at all, or keep them the same?"

"I suppose we can keep them the same," Din shrugged. "It makes for a more straightforward game."

"Deal," Farore said, and they both disappeared from the sky. Kyuubi slumped against the door.

"I feel like crying right now," he mused. "I wonder who would win if I broke right now without them doing anything…"

Naruto opened the door from inside, sending Kyuubi sprawling across the grass. Naruto blinked and bent down. "Oh, there you are. I was wondering where you went, dattebayo."

"Yeah, don't mind me," Kyuubi said through a mouthful of dirt. "Don't help me up or anything, I'm fine."

Naruto plucked him out of the dirt sheepishly. "Sorry. But I have a new mission for us!"

"Twerp," Kyuubi groaned. "We already have to save the world, for Nayru's sake. We don't _need_ any new missions."

"But this is important!" Naruto protested. "Shikamaru said that Kabuto took over his ranch and kicked him out, and he's keeping Hinata there to work for him like a slave!"

"Oh, I see," Kyuubi said, grinning slyly. "So this is about the girl, then."

Naruto blushed. "It is NOT!" he denied. "It's just…Hinata and Shikamaru are friends of mine, and Kabuto is supporting Orochimaru. We need to stop him, right? It's what we do! We're heroes!"

"No, you're the hero," Kyuubi corrected. "You also double as a meat shield and the labour. I'm just the helpless fairy that was heartlessly shoved into this backwater parody, mostly for comedic purposes."

Naruto paused and then patted Kyuubi's head. "Aw," he cooed. "You are too a hero! Don't put yourself down like that!"

Kyuubi pouted indignantly. "I am NOT a hero! I'm an evil, destructive kitsune!" He mumbled under his breath. "I'm a big, evil kitsune and everyone fears me. It's true."

"Of course you are," Naruto said consolingly. "Now can we go to the ranch? There's probably lots of chickens," he said in singsong.

Naruto blinked and Kyuubi had already whizzed towards the exit. "What the hell's taking you so long?" the fairy demanded. "Some hero _you_ are. What kind of friend are you if you lag behind like that?"

Naruto grinned. "He's so easy to manipulate. Sad thing is, he hasn't realized it yet."

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As usual, when Naruto and Kyuubi entered a place, the name of the place flashed across the screen briefly. This time, however, the name made Naruto stop dead in his tracks.

"_Ingo's_ Ranch?" he said, shocked and mildly disgusted. "Home of the newly-formed Unrequited Ganondorf Lovers Anonymous Support Group, UGLASG?"

Kyuubi gasped angrily. "That bastard! He formed a new support group without me! He's trying to overthrow my UOLASG, I know it!" He muttered darkly under his breath, glaring daggers at the sign proclaiming the next meeting would be next Monday.

Naruto froze. "You told me you didn't form that support group!" he said accusingly. "You _lied_ to me?"

"Uh…no, I didn't?"

"Oh, thank Din," Naruto sighed in relief. "You really freaked me out for a minute there."

Kyuubi chuckled nervously, trying to keep to pure hatred towards Kabuto hidden – at least, from his poor, innocent charge.

"I wonder if Kabuto is in here, like last time," Naruto opened the door a sliver, looking through and obviously hoping he wasn't in there. Suddenly, he flung the door open wide. "Hinata!"

The crimson-cheeked girl looked up, startled. Her pale eyes widened slightly, and she brushed long, dark hair out of her face. "N-Naru…" she clapped a hand over her mouth and bowed to someone off screen. "I'm s-sorry! I forgot I wasn't s-supposed to remember him!"

"That's alright," a stagehand soothed. "Just keep going on with your speech."

"Y-Yes," she stuttered, turning back towards the blonde. At the sight of him, she blushed deeper, but a small smile lit up her face. "Forgive me. It's b-been a long time since we l-last had a visitor. Where d-did you come from?"

Naruto grinned widely at Hinata before bringing out his script to read off of. "Dot, dot, dot," he said, then frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Link never talks in the original game," Kyuubi whispered. Naruto frowned.

"Well, that's stupid!" he exclaimed. "I don't even have any lines now, then?"

"Nope, so shut up and pay attention," Kyuubi smacked the back of his head, knocking his hat forward a bit so it drooped over his eyes.

"Since Ganondorf c-came into power, Mr. Ingo has b-been trying to win h-his favour," Hinata began, but Kyuubi snorted.

"Yeah, all he wants is his _favour_, I'm sure," he scoffed sarcastically. Hinata averted her eyes, looking awkward.

"I d-don't know anything about that," she replied nervously. "I only know w-what I'm supposed to s-say. It s-seems like Mr. Ingo turned evil, l-like the rest of Hyrule. He k-kicked my dad out, and if I disobey him he m-mistreats the horses…so, there n-nothing I can do…" tears pooled in the corner of her eyes. Naruto looked uncomfortable.

"Do something, twerp," Kyuubi said, rolling his eyes. The blonde reached out and hugged Hinata awkwardly. Her eyes flew upon and her entire face turned red.

"Don't worry, Hinata," Naruto said. "I promise that I'll make things right here, okay?"

Kyuubi resignedly smacked his forehead against the stable wall. "Maybe it's not the Goddesses that hate me. Maybe it's actually been the twerp all along…"

"Thank y-you…stranger," Hinata smiled. Naruto gave her a thumbs-up and dragged Kyuubi out of the stable, determinedly marching towards the horse corral. Standing in front of the gate was Kabuto, dressed in a way that reminded Naruto eerily of an ostrich. The eerie part of it was that Naruto didn't actually know what an ostrich looked like.

"Hello there!" he greeted, his voice greasier than his hair, which was slicked back in a ponytail with – by the looks of it – butter. "I am Ingo, the owner of this ranch! Whatever you've heard about me around Kakariko is a lie!"

"Does that include what I've heard about you starting up the Unrequited Ganondorf Lovers Anonymous Support Group?" Kyuubi asked innocently.

"Oh, no, that's true," Kabuto smirked. Naruto pinched Kyuubi's wings automatically.

"Let me at him," Kyuubi growled, fluidly bringing out his spork and brandishing it at the white-haired man. Kabuto blinked and took a step back, just in case.

"Well, as a gift from the group president," – Kyuubi snarled and doubled his efforts – "I am giving the great Ganondorf one of my finest horses!"

"Twerp, quick conference," Kyuubi intoned. He gave Kabuto a cheesy grin and ducked. "We have to prevent him from giving Ganondorf that horse," he said determinedly. "There's no way I can let that bastard outdo me with his knock-off support group!"

"Yeah," Naruto snorted, looking at the fairy helplessly. "Never mind what could happen if Orochimaru gets a fast horse. By all means, let's stop him on behalf of that stupid club _that you have no part in_."

Kyuubi hesitated before energetically agreeing. "Right! Go find a way to stop him!" he pushed him forward. "The future of the UOLASG depends on you!"

Naruto sighed, disgusted with himself before pasting on a false interested smile. "So, I don't suppose any of your horses here are for sale?" he asked, trying to sound offhand. Of course, when someone _tries_ to sound offhand, they usually fail miserably. That's the thing about sounding _offhand_.

"Of course not, my good sir," Kabuto gave him an oily grin, "but you are allowed to ride one of the horses for one minute for a ridiculously high price."

Naruto shrugged. "Sounds good." He passed some rupees into Kabuto's hand, and the man opened the gate.

"Feel free to choose any horse you wish," Kabuto said. Naruto took out his Ocarina.

"Will do! Thanks," he said with a sunny smile, and played Epona's Song. From a far corner, a giant red frog-horse perked up and bounded over to Naruto, shaking the ground slightly as he landed.

Kabuto gaped. "That damn horse never responds to anyone…" he muttered, shocked as Naruto mounted Gamabunta.

"Twerp, you've never ridden a horse before," Kyuubi hissed. "How the hell do you expect to pull this off?"

"I don't know," Naruto answered honestly. Kyuubi's mouth fell open.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW?" he shrieked. Naruto pulled back on Gamabunta's reigns.

"Alright! Let's go, Frog Boss!" Naruto yelled. Gamabunta began to gallop/hop around the corral, timing the jumps over the obstacles perfectly.

"I think I've got the hang of this," Naruto said joyfully to the fairy flying right by his head. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that's great, but now what?" he snapped. "I somehow doubt Ingo will just give you the horse because you can ride it."

"HEY, KABUTO!" Naruto yelled from frog-horse back. "HOW ABOUT A RACE? WE COULD HAVE A LITTLE BET ON THE SIDE!"

"SOUNDS GOOD," Kabuto called back. "HOW ABOUT IF I WIN, YOU GIVE ME FIFTY RUPEES, AND IF YOU WIN YOU CAN RACE ME AGAIN?"

"THAT SOUNDS FAIR," Naruto yelled back. He grinned at Kyuubi. "See? I know what I'm doing."

Kyuubi slapped his forehead.

In the audience, Tsunade was desperately trying to find someone to bet with. "Come on! I'm offering ten-to-one odds on Naruto here! All he has to do is win, and you've got ten times your bet!"

Sasuke approached her. "I'll put down one hundred on the dead last," he said, slapping down some rupees. Behind him, Kakashi shook his head.

"Aren't you a little young to be gambling?" Kakashi inquired. Sasuke shrugged.

"I'm an orphan," he pointed out. "Provided there's no authority figure to tell me not to, I can gamble if I want."

Kakashi stopped to think about that. "Hmm…I guess you're right. As long as there's no authority figure, you ought to be fine."

Sakura, who was listening from the sidelines, slapped her forehead. "And he calls himself our sensei," she muttered, disgusted.

"Hn," Sasuke smirked faintly. "One hundred, Godaime."

On screen, Naruto and Kabuto had finished preparing for their race and were finally about to begin. The music began to start, their cue to get ready, and suddenly Kabuto took off on his horse.

"Hey!" Naruto yelled, making Gamabunta start racing. "You cheater!"

Kabuto cast a look back at the blonde. "Uh, duh," he shouted. "I'm one of the _bad guys_. Cheating in races is part of our code. Why do you think so many of us become politicians?"

Naruto didn't bother arguing, instead focusing on winning. As he began to pull into the lead, Kabuto rammed Gamabunta in the side, sending his into the fence.

"You…!" Naruto began, but simply urged Gamabunta to run even faster. They began to pull up beside Kabuto, Naruto with a wicked gleam in his eyes. He lowered himself on Gamabunta, mentally pressing them both to go faster. Wind whipped by them as the two of them raced, knocking Naruto's hat off his head.

"ARGH!" Kabuto cursed, the green hat somehow wrapping itself around Kabuto's face. "It tangled in my glasses! Damn it, I can't see!"

"That's our chance, Frog Boss!" Naruto yelled. "Go as fast as you can now! The finish line is right there!"

With a sudden, sprinting burst of speed, Gamabunta flew over the finish line, kicking up plenty of dust right into Kabuto's face as he did so. Kabuto tumbled off his horse, peeling Naruto's hat off his face as he hit the ground. This action, unfortunately, gave him no protection from the dusty ground as he ploughed face-first into the earth. He groaned, lifting his face and blinking. He took off the shattered remains of his glasses with a curse.

In the audience, Tsunade stared at the fallen Kabuto. Sasuke smirked visibly and raked in his rupees.

"What did we learn?" he asked tauntingly. Tsunade opened and closed her mouth soundlessly for a full minute.

"…Never doubt the main character," she finally said miserably, slumping over in her chair and burying her face at her loss. Sasuke patted her head reassuringly, and her head snapped up angrily. "If you touch me, comfort me, or even speak of this again, and I'll have you as a Genin for the rest of your life," she warned.

Sasuke snapped his hand back. "This is why I don't normally try to be nice to people," he grumbled. Tsunade snorted.

"No one needs _your_ pity. You're a guy in a dress," she pointed out, pouring herself some sake. Sasuke purpled with rage, and Kakashi appeared behind him, tapping him lightly on the shoulder.

"Remember that you aren't allowed to kill the Hokage," Kakashi warned. Sasuke's colour returned to normal.

"Damn it…" Kabuto groaned, on screen. "If the Great Ganondorf finds out about this, he'll never have any respect for me!" he got up off the ground, dusting himself off. He pointed at Naruto. "You! How about a rematch! If you win, you…you can keep the horse!"

Naruto considered. "Or I can just threaten you instead," he pointed out, drawing his sword. Kyuubi grinned, taking out his spork.

"I get the first shot at him," he smirked maliciously. Kabuto paled.

"Maybe we can talk about this? Negotiate something?" he stammered. "We're all fairly reasonable men here…"

"I want the horse," Naruto said immediately. Kabuto nodded sadly.

"I thought so," he said mournfully. "That's the horse I was going to present the Great Ganondorf with…"

"And we want the Unrequited Ganondorf Lovers Anonymous Support Group disbanded," Kyuubi chipped in. Naruto gave him a look, and the fairy shrugged.

"Okay, okay," Kabuto sighed. "But what do I get in return?"

"It's not worth much, but I thought we'd let you keep your life," Kyuubi commented. "Sound good to everyone? Twerp?"

"Sounds fair," Naruto nodded. Kabuto whimpered.

"Fine, you can have the horse!" Kyuubi cleared his throat. "And the UGLASG is no more!" he added hurriedly. Kyuubi smirked, satisfied.

"Alright then," Kabuto said, with a bit of sneer. "You can have all of those…however…" he grinned, "You can never leave this ranch!" he exclaimed dramatically, the gates swinging shut.

Naruto blinked and chuckled slightly. "_That's_ how you're going to stop us from leaving?" he snorted. "Okay then. See you, sucker." He got back on Gamabunta's back and simply jumped over the fence. Kabuto stared at the fence, then at his gate, then back at the fence where they had just disappeared over.

"…Well, damn," he said simply.

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"It feels good to do a good deed," Naruto smiled, weaving through the Lost Woods with ease.

"It feels even better to have a map of the Lost Woods on us," Kyuubi said, studying the parchment in front of him. "We turn right here."

Naruto did so, but stopped suddenly. "Kankuro!" he said, surprised. "You grew up like the rest of us!"

Kankuro, who was lounging outside one of the entrances, looked suddenly caught. "Uh…no, I didn't?"

"Yes, you did," Naruto insisted. "How come you aged? I thought Kokiri weren't supposed to age."

"Well, the Kokiri _puppets_ didn't," Kankuro snapped, "and there wasn't much the author could do about us aging. Despite what she says, she's not a god or something."

Naruto shrugged. "So, mind moving out of the way now?"

"Yeah, right," Kankuro scoffed. "I'm just supposed to let some stranger in Kokirish clothing through? How stupid do I look to you?"

Naruto gave him a dumbfounded look. "You just had a conversation with me and you don't remember who I am?"

"Nope," Kankuro shrugged. "Why? Am I supposed to?"

Naruto sighed. "I guess it doesn't matter. I'll just play this and that ought to prove I'm not a stranger." He played Saria's Song. Kankuro gaped at Naruto.

"Saria plays that song all the time!" Kankuro said, startled. "You...Do you know Saria?"

"Congratulations," Kyuubi stuck out a hand to shake Kankuro's. "You just earned yourself the 'Idiot of the Year' award! What do the words 'main character' mean to you, anyway?"

"Absolutely nothing," Kankuro remarked. "That's not the point right now. Saria only taught that song to her friends...So, I guess I trust you."

"Oh, the cruel, cruel irony," Naruto muttered as Kankuro moved out of the way. The Sand ninja stared at Naruto thoughtfully, making the blonde fidget anxiously.

"Okay, what?" he said finally. "Is there something on my face or something?"

"No," Kankuro said. "Well, actually yes, but that's not why I'm staring at you. You just remind me of someone. And you have a speck of dirt of your face, right around your nose," he indicated where it was on his own face. Naruto brushed the dirt off.

"Thanks," Naruto said absently, hurrying through the exit. Kankuro sighed.

"This would be a good place for a time lapse line," he mused aloud.

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Naruto collapsed the second he reached the Sacred Forest Meadow. "I really don't like those ugly bulldog things," he panted.

"Moblins," Kyuubi said helpfully. "I don't mind them, personally. They replaced the Deku scrubs, after all."

"You know, I think I like these Moblin things," Naruto changed his mind. Someone cleared their throat.

"You two took your time," Haku said. "I rushed over here as fast as I could, and it turns out that you guys decided to take a detour by the ranch." Haku was obviously disapproving, and a bit irritated.

"Sorry," Naruto apologized. "There was something we had to do there."

Kyuubi whizzed over to Haku and whispered something in his ear. Haku brightened considerably. "Oh…I understand. If it was for your precious someone, you should have just said so. That makes it different."

"Kyuubi, what the hell did you say?" Naruto hissed. Kyuubi giggled and flew out of Naruto's range.

"Nothing, really," he replied. "Now don't you two have speeches to go through and songs to learn?"

"Right," Haku nodded. "Before I start, though, I'd like to ask something…" he held up his script. "What's the point of me going on about the flow of time if Saria actually aged along with Naruto?"

The stagehands were silent. Haku waited. A couple of them conferred.

"Uh…we have permission to just skip the speech, Sheik," one of them called. Haku nodded and tucked his script away.

"Alright then," he said, bringing out his harp. "In order to come back here to your place of memories, play the Minuet of Forest." He plucked out a pretty tune on his harp.

Naruto, with some difficulty, followed along with his Ocarina. Suddenly, music filled the air as the two began to play along with each other, the music notes wrapping together in a beautiful, melodic harmony. Naruto lowered his Ocarina.

"Okay, that was cool," he commented. Haku tucked away his harp.

"I'll see you later, Naruto," he said, drawing out one of those cool flashy Sheikah things. "You should probably cover your eyes."

Naruto didn't even have time to move before there was a bright flash. Naruto blinked a few times, eyes watering as he rubbed them in an attempt to get them to refocus. By the time he could see again, Haku was gone.

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YOSH! Chapter eighteen is finished, with nineteen on its way! Coming up in the next chapter is three of the four Poe sisters – can anyone guess who they are?

Other than that, there's no one new…but it is my favourite temple, the Forest Temple! Yay! Exciting, isn't it? …Anyone but me think it's exciting? …Uh, anyone?

I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing…


	19. Kyuubi Wishes He Could Get Lucky, Too

LON: As it just so happens, I'm currently holding Princess Zelda and Sasuke Uchiha hostage. If I don't get the rights to Nintendo and/or Naruto within twenty-four hours…they both shall die.

Sasuke: Somehow, I doubt that. You need me for the rest of this parody.

LON: You have a point…I guess that just leaves Zelda, then!

Zelda: You jerk! I can't believe you won't help me get free! I'm the one you're playing!

Sasuke: …And this is supposed to make me HELP you? (points at his dress)

LON: Ha, ha! In the meantime, I disclaim everything. But tomorrow…things may change…(cackles)

Thanks goes out to **Komo Pineconeseed**, **Darkness Embers**, **korrd**, **Anything For You**, and** quaddo**!

Now, someone asked this, so I've decided to answer it so that everyone can see. The question was, "Is there any difference between off screen and the audience?" To which I say…

AWESOME question! I'd like to point out my amazement that someone even noticed that! The answer is also yes. 'Off screen' would refer to back stage or something like that. The people who are off screen usually have their parts coming up. The audience, on the other hand, is sitting down, kicking back and relaxing, because they won't be up on screen for a while.

Once again, brilliant question! That's all I have to say at this point, so…chapter, begin!

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The background music of the Forest Theme was creepy and almost disjointed, and very much suited the dimly lit room, vines crawling up the walls and sprawling across the ceiling. Two Wolfos prowled around the entrance, sending the blonde who dared enter their domain hungry looks. Naruto whistled along the background theme, sidling along the wall. Kyuubi stared at his charge.

"Twerp, what are you doing?" he finally asked. Naruto shushed him frantically, pointing at the vines behind him and his sweat suit. He waved his fairy over.

"I'm trying to blend in with the wall," he whispered conspiratorially. "With all the green I'm wearing, there's no way those two wolves will even see me coming."

"Now you're just insulting their intelligence," Kyuubi said, offended on their behalf. "I think you're underestimating the way they're staring at you and getting ready to spring."

Naruto looked at the Wolfos, who were indeed preparing themselves to attack. The blonde scowled at the glowing red orb. "Kyuubi! You gave away my position!"

"That's right, blame the fairy," Kyuubi said sarcastically, highly affronted. "Excuse me, then. I'll just be in my trailer."

"You don't have a trailer, either!" Naruto rolled his eyes. Kyuubi paused.

"…Damn, you're right," he said disappointedly. "I guess I'll stay and help you then. What fun."

Naruto shot him a grin before scrambling up the vines in an attempt to get away from the wolves now scratching at his heels. "Cool. I don't suppose while you're here you could somehow manage to kill off those Wolfos? They're kind of giving me a bit of trouble."

"I'm not about to do your dirty work for you," Kyuubi sniffed. "You'll either need to kill them yourself like a hero, or let dumb luck carry you throughout your entire life."

Naruto looked contemplative for a moment before realization dawned on him. "OH! You were being sarcastic!"

Kyuubi smacked his forehead. "Yes, twerp. Yes I was."

Naruto merrily hopped onto the log jutting out from the wall and began to walk across it a bit, throwing out his arms for balance. "Hey! It's a chest!" he observed. "I bet I can Hookshot onto it!"

"Maybe it's not too late to turn down that contract," Kyuubi pondered. "I mean, it's only nine billion. It's certainly not worth it…" He paused and shook his head to clear it. "What the hell am I saying? Greed comes first…I can't believe he almost drove me to forget my _values_. That's just sick."

Outside, the sky flashed red and someone cursed.

"Not good enough," Farore taunted. "I already make him question his values all the time, and it never works!"

"If it never works, why do you keep doing it?" Din asked snappishly. Farore paused for a second, before a loud slapping noise was heard, followed by Din yelling, "OW! You bitch, you can't hit a Goddess!"

"I'm a Goddess too, you twit!" Farore hollered back, but Din protested.

"No, I meant since we don't technically have forms, you _can't_ hit a Goddess," she said reasonably. Farore was silent for a second.

"…Oh."

Back in the temple, Naruto had opened the chest a pulled out a tiny silver key. "What do you think this is for?" He asked his fairy.

"That's a small key," Kyuubi said, trying to remember what they'd taught him back in 'Hero Guarding 101; An Introduction to Temples'. "It's a new element from this point on in the game that basically exists to annoy the hero – that's you – by scattering them through accessible points in the Temple. All other points will not be accessible, because the doors will be locked."

Naruto paused. "So…if they're all accessible, shouldn't we just get the keys before we try going through the inaccessible places?"

Kyuubi blinked. "Well, if you want to be _logical_ about it," he said dubiously.

"Anyway, I should be getting down now," Naruto said cheerfully, casting his gaze downward. His eyes grew wide. "We're awfully high up, aren't we…?"

Kyuubi nodded. "Uh, yeah. I thought you would've noticed, having climbed up here in the first place…" he trailed off and watched his charge grow dizzy and fall off the side. "That's not good."

Naruto plunged off the side, landing painfully and cracking his head on the dirt, quite obviously dead.

JUST KIDDING!

He actually landed quite comfortably, to his surprise. His head was indeed tossed backwards by the impact, but it hit something that felt quite soft with something harder underneath. There was a loud crack and a howl, and whatever it was dropped unceremoniously. Naruto rubbed his head, sitting upright. Kyuubi gaped at him.

Naruto, by some form of sheer dumb luck, had landed on the first Wolfos, killing it promptly. When his head had gone back, he had cracked the other Wolfos' skull, either knocking it out or killing it – Kyuubi couldn't quite tell. Either way, the blonde was unharmed and both wolves were down for the count.

"…That was a fluke," Kyuubi grumbled, grabbing Naruto's hat and dragging him towards the door. "Let's go."

They passed through the next hallway, and luckily, the Skulltula didn't even notice them as they bolted through.

"Halt," Kyuubi ordered, throwing out his arm to stop. "Hot ghost ladies, right in front of us."

"What?" Naruto scrambled to see, but his vision was stifled by Kyuubi's glow. He couldn't get a good look of what – or who – Kyuubi was talking about. There was some laughter and a whooshing sound as the Poe sisters disappeared.

"Damn, I couldn't see," Naruto complained. Kyuubi shrugged.

"I'm devastated for you," Kyuubi said flatly. "Now come on, we've still got an entire Temple left to do. I vote we go up the creepy staircase on the other side of the room."

"Sure," Naruto agreed, crossing over. "You know…I get the feeling that this big central room with all the doors will be important."

"Well, as long as we're going by your _feelings_, I'm sure saving the world that's depending on us will be a snap," Kyuubi said sardonically. Naruto, as usual, didn't pick up on it.

"AH! Floating chakra skull thing!" Naruto ducked behind his shield. The skull bounced off it, the blue flame around it dissipating as the skull bounced around pointlessly. Naruto flinched as it began to bounce towards him again, thrusting out his shield. The skull leapt at him, impaling itself on the corner of the shield and falling apart into dust. The bars on the door lifted, and Naruto blinked.

"That was a blue bubble," Kyuubi pointed at the remains of the skull numbly, "and that," he pointed at Naruto, "was idiotic. I was kidding about the dumb luck thing, you know."

Naruto shrugged and grinned. "Maybe I really am just lucky!"

"Oh, right! By the way, I forgot to tell you," Kyuubi said flippantly, "the Goddesses and I have become best friends as we're meeting up for a slumber party next week!"

Naruto looked slightly disturbed. "That's great, Kyuubi," he congratulated uncertainly. "Um…good for you. I'm glad you're making friends."

Kyuubi rolled his eyes and said nothing. Naruto entered the next room boldly.

"You know, this Temple isn't so hard," he said confidently. "I think I had myself all prepared and freaked out for nothing, dattebayo."

Low laughter echoed throughout the relatively empty room, and two fully armoured skeletons popped out of the ground. Naruto screamed.

"Relax, twerp, those are just Stalfos," Kyuubi informed him. "They're kind of like the equivalent of the Stalchildren growing up."

"Thanks, Kyuubi," Naruto said sarcastically. "I feel _so_ much better now."

"I thought that might cheer you up," Kyuubi replied innocently. "Now, go get 'em." To himself, he muttered, "And so the lucky streak breaks."

Naruto gulped, having heard Kyuubi's statement, and took a step backwards. "You know, I think I'm feverish. I've got this sweat and everything…maybe I'll come back to this some other time…"

"Or not," Kyuubi pushed him back into the battlefield. "You could do this now instead! How does that sound to you? Good? Good!"

Off screen, Tsunade was re-opening her gambling stand. "Okay, people! Odds are three-to-one that the kid wins it, but ends up maimed! Ten-to-one he wins it unharmed!"

Sakura looked furtive. "What's the odds for that he wins, but ends up with a sprain?" she asked in a low voice. Naruto gaped.

"Sakura!" he cried, his tone injured.

"Okay," Kyuubi sighed, "That's enough from the peanut gallery."

"Actually, the peanut gallery is over there," Tsunade pointed. "This is the gambling stand." Over in the direction she was pointing, Genma and Raidou were talking animatedly in front of a gallery filled with peanuts, shelled, unshelled, salted, chocolate-coated, and so forth. Raidou was occasionally sneaking a peanut or two.

"Oh," Kyuubi blinked. "Sorry then. Say, what are the odds on the twerp winning through unlikely means?"

Tsunade checked her sheet. "Two-to-one," she answered sweetly. Kyuubi cursed.

"It'll have to do," Kyuubi shrugged. "Put me down fifty."

"Kyuubi!" Naruto protested.

"Hey, twerp, I'm supporting you," Kyuubi defended. "I bet that you would win, see? Says so right on my slip," he waved his betting sheet in front of the blonde's face.

Meanwhile, the Stalfos were brandishing their swords rather pointlessly at the blonde, who was distractedly yelling at his fairy and Tsunade. The skeleton's swords clashed against Naruto's shield, bouncing off and into their faces. The first Stalfos bellowed in pain as the sword drove through it's skull painfully, cracking the bones as they collapsed in a pile of rubble. This drew the blonde's attention. Naruto turned around as the second Stalfos struck again, making the sword bounce back at an awkward angle and severing the Stalfos's neck. It also collapsed, and the bars on the door lifted.

Naruto blinked in befuddlement and Kyuubi cashed in his slip. "I'm torn between happiness from my greed paying off and disbelief because the luck held up _again_." He tucked a hundred rupees away into god-knows-where.

"Hey, it's another small key," Naruto tucked it away. "What an easy battle."

Kyuubi looked completely disgusted. "You sicken me," he said resignedly. "I don't see how anyone can actually brag about being lucky. Just so you know, it really can't last forever, and someone will have to clean up when it does. Hell if it's going to be me."

"You're weird, Kyuubi," Naruto said frankly. "Come on, there's still a lot to do to save Sakura!"

"Hey, that's right," Kyuubi perked up subtly. "Bet she's grown up a bit…"

Naruto narrowed his eyes and whacked the kitsune out of the air. "Remind me to never let you and ero-sennin talk to each other," he shook his head sadly. "I'm surrounded by perverts. It's a miracle I can keep my mind so pure."

Kyuubi snorted. "Yeah, you're a real saint," he spat. "Need I remind you of outtake number seven?"

Naruto sheepishly looked around wildly, as if making sure no one had heard that. "I _told_ you, it wasn't what it looked like," he said desperately. "I was honestly just trying to call Sakura!"

"Using me for your own perverted deeds," Kyuubi shook his head. "How sickening. It's a wonder you can live with yourself."

They stopped in front of a large blue block. "Looks like another Time Block, twerp," Kyuubi stepped back. Well, flew back. You know what I mean.

Naruto played the Song of Time, a calming contrast to the high, disjointed background music. He shuddered a bit as he lowered the instrument. "Man, those game music composers can really set a mood."

They went through the door and Naruto breathed deeply. They had just entered what appeared to be outside. "Hey, we're outside!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Be quicker on the uptake, twerp," Kyuubi said dully. "The author just said that."

Naruto began to make his way over to the vine-covered wall, ignoring the large Deku Baba who was snapping at his heels. The plant monster urged itself forward, accidentally snapping it's stem in it's efforts and killing itself. Naruto didn't notice, but the kitsune did. He slapped his forehead, muttering darkly.

Naruto brought out his Hookshot. "The first two wall Skulltulas look like they're in my range, but the other one doesn't," he frowned worriedly. "Do you think I'll be able to get past it?"

Kyuubi gave a hollow laugh. "Twerp, I think the world could combust right now and you'd be the only man left alive on a planet full of women."

Naruto blinked. Kyuubi sighed exaggeratedly. "Yes, twerp, I think you'll be fine."

The blonde shrugged, satisfied, and began climbing. The wall Skulltulas all turned and began scrambling towards the blonde to attack. They all crashed into each other and fell off the wall, landing on the ground far below with one collective crunching noise. Naruto didn't notice, as usual.

Kyuubi stared. "Maybe it's the obliviousness factor that makes the luck factor work," he mused. "If I could make some kind of theory on this, I could make millions…"

Naruto entered the room in the alcove and grimaced. "Another blue bubble," he cursed, drawing his shield. Rather than bounce towards him, it bounced repeatedly into the wall, making the blue flame around it dissolve. Cautiously, Naruto poked it once with his sword, and the blue bubble promptly fell apart into nothingness. Kyuubi squeaked with indignation.

"This is getting ridiculous!" he protested. "I make _one_ sarcastic comment, and it all blows up in my face!"

Naruto kicked open the treasure chest that appeared after the death of the blue bubble. "Relax, Kyuubi," he said brightly. "This Temple thing is a lot easier than I thought it'd be. At this rate, we'll find all the Sages in no time."

Kyuubi looked unconvinced. "Do you honestly think this gimmick will even last much longer? These things rarely last throughout an entire chapter, twerp. It'll come to an end soon, and you'll be in for a rude awakening."

Off screen, Tsunade could be heard yelling, "Four-to-one it lasts for another two pages! Six-to-one it lasts all chapter! Come on, people, come place your bets!"

Naruto skipped off, whistling along jubilantly with the background music.

Kyuubi glared at no one in particular. "Have I mentioned how much I hate parodies?"

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"Alright, first of three keys," Naruto said merrily, unlocking the last accessible door in the central room. Kyuubi lazily lounged on Naruto's hat, deciding he didn't care about anything that happened from this point on.

Naruto skipped merrily through the corridor, the Skulltula tangling itself in it's web on it's way down. It struggled in the tangles above the blonde, who didn't notice anything amiss. Kyuubi merely blinked and shrugged helplessly.

The pair entered the next room, dark, gloomy room lit up only by Kyuubi's dull, warm glow and the blue bubble that was floating around aimlessly. As Naruto entered, the blue bubble began to turn to face him, but spontaneously combusted, sending bone fragments shooting in every direction. The fragments fell just a bit short of where Naruto was standing. Kyuubi gaped.

"What the _hell_ was that?" he demanded. "I've put up with the other ones, since they were at least _plausible_. Excruciatingly unlikely, but plausible. This, though…that was just…" Kyuubi sputtered, shaking his head hopelessly. "No…no, I give up. I can't deal with this."

"Kyuubi," Naruto pouted, "it sounds like you don't _want_ me to get through this Temple. Don't you know that openly not giving me support can seriously harm my mental growth?"

Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "I thought I told you to quit looking through my parenting books, _twerp_."

"Derogatory names can also hurt my development, Kyuubi," Naruto chastised. Kyuubi was about to take a swipe at him, but decided against it. He lay down on Naruto's hat.

"Forget it. This is getting ridiculous," Kyuubi muttered. "Get going and wake me up when you're done."

"No need," Naruto smiled. "I think a cut-off line is coming up."

Kyuubi sat bolt upright. "You mean the entire point of this scene was to torment me?" his voice increased in volume with each word. "I can't catch a break!"

Out of nowhere, a brick flew across the screen. Now dependent on his luck, Naruto stood stock-still, and Kyuubi was flattened against the wall opposite, the brick crumbling on impact. Kyuubi drifted towards the floor, his new form reminiscent of a pancake.

"That joke's already been used," he said, voice muffled. Naruto giggled and skipped over to him.

"Silly Kyuubi," he said, plucking the crushed fairy off the floor and placing him on his head.

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Naruto clutched his head. "Whoa…"

The entire corridor was twisted at a ninety-degree angle. Kyuubi mentally tried to straighten it out, and failed. "I swore to myself I'd never try acid again," he muttered repeatedly. "I swore to myself I'd never try acid again. I swore to myself…"

Naruto ran down the corridor quickly, trying hard not to attempt to rationalize it. He knew it would make his head hurt. Meanwhile, the readers' brains were exploding from trying to comprehend Naruto rationalizing.

"Okay, twerp," Kyuubi said, rubbing his eyes a bit, "I need to warn you to be careful. Watch for shadows of disembodied hands that will come down and grab your underage body before whipping you back to the beginning of the Temple."

Naruto's eyes grew huge. "No, go, tell," he muttered to himself. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and pushed him. Naruto stumbled, leaping to the next platform due to the momentum. He glared at the kitsune, who drifted over.

"Relax, twerp, you've still got that luck thing going for you," he mock-comforted, smirking slightly. To himself, he muttered, "And when the Wallmaster grabs you and tosses you back to the beginning, we'll be doing this Temple the _right_ way, the way it's supposed to be done…"

Naruto, having not heard this, nodded determinedly. "YOSH! I shall keep up my lucky streak!" he said, pumping his fist in the air and forgetting he still had his sword in hand.

"We had enough of that for the first ten or fifteen chapters, twerp," Kyuubi chided. "You start saying 'Yosh' again and I _will_ draw my spork on you."

Neither of them had noticed the ominous whooshing noise and the shadow growing under Naruto's feet. The Wallmaster flexed it's hand-like body, getting ready to grab the boy, when –

"EEEK!" Naruto shrieked and began cowering. "MAKE IT GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY!" Tears rolled down his face in streams as he sobbed and shrieked in absolute terror. He curled into a ball and began rocking slightly back and forth. Kyuubi gaped in utter disbelief.

"Kid, it impaled itself on your sword," he said through clenched teeth. Indeed, the Master Sword's tip was coated with thick dark blood, and the Wallmaster twitched slightly before wilting. Naruto blinked.

"Oh," he said, peeling the severed hand off his blade. "I thought my sword felt a bit heavier at the end than it normally did."

Kyuubi clutched his head and yelled for a good few minutes. His voice was hoarse by the end of it.

"…Feeling better?" Naruto inquired. Kyuubi nodded slightly.

"Yeah," he rasped. "Let's keep going."

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"Ooh," Naruto admired, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Pretty paintings. I like it…very reminiscent of the artistic European Gothic era. Very nice, defined brush strokes, too. It really textures the painting, don't you think, Kyuubi?"

Kyuubi wiped away some drool at the corner of his mouth. "Definitely a pretty picture."

Anko, in the picture, scowled down at the two of them before sticking out her tongue and disappearing from the picture frame. Naruto frowned.

"I've never seen a picture that could do that," he said. Kyuubi sobbed and tried to hug the picture frame.

"Come on, Kyuubi," Naruto rolled his eyes. "Let's go now."

He pulled the fairy by the wings into the next room. A giant hole was in the floor, and another Stalfos appeared, pulling itself out of the ground. It laughed ominously, taking a few steps before plunging down the hole. It yelped and fell apart at the bottom. Naruto watched it with interest.

"Look, Kyuubi," he pointed. "The Stalfos died."

The kitsune thwacked his head repeatedly against the wall. "I know, twerp."

Below, two more Stalfos began to crawl out of the floor. Naruto pointed again. "Look! Two more are coming up!"

Whack. "That's nice."

The platform began to lift up to form the rest of the floor. "Kyuubi, the platform's coming up."

Whack. "Good to know."

There was a loud cracking sound, followed by twin groans of pain. "Kyuubi, the Stalfos got crushed between the platform and the floor by accident."

Whack. "Thought something like that might happen."

A chest formed in the middle of the platform, which despite the bones lodged between it and the floor completed the floor quite nicely. "Hey, check it out Kyuubi! A bow with a full stock of arrows was inside the chest!"

Whack, this time followed by a sigh. "That's great, twerp."

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Naruto didn't bother taking aim as he fired at the picture of Anko. The arrow struck dead centre of Anko's face, and the painting, frame and all, disappeared in flame.

"That was the last picture," Naruto said brightly. "So, what now?"

He walked down the stairs, looking around. He blinked when he reached the bottom, his eyes stinging from smoke bombs that had obviously just been thrown. The smoke began to dissipate, mini-fireworks going off in the corners of the room, and the dull glow of a torch penetrated the thick smoke. Anko chuckled awkwardly.

"What did you think?" she inquired. "Too much?"

"You always were one for entrances," Naruto praised. Anko straightened up a bit, smirking in satisfaction.

"Thanks!" she yelled. "You're a good kid! It really will be a shame to fight you! But," she hesitated, "isn't there also supposed to be some fairy here, too, or something?"

"Oh, yeah," Naruto said brightly, and he popped his head through the door.

"Kyuubi? I'm about the fight the first Poe sister."

Whack. "That's nice, twerp. Go get her."

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Naruto smiled brightly at Shizune, the second Poe sister.

"You did way better than Anko did," he comforted. "She ended up setting herself on fire by accident with her fireworks and her torch. That's much more embarrassing than falling down the stairs, right?"

Shizune winced, lightly touching her sprained ankle with her right hand, which was also sprained. "I guess so," she said gloomily. "But I'm still just not a very good mini-boss. Sorry to have let you down."

"It's no problem!" Naruto waved a hand. "Don't worry too much about it, okay? You focus on getting better!"

Shizune smiled. "Thanks, Naruto."

The stagehands lifted her up onto a makeshift stretcher and carried her off screen. Naruto waved his farewell before peeking his head out the door again.

"Kyuubi, I beat another one."

Whack. "How'd you do it this time?"

"She fell down the stairs when I shot her painting, dattebayo. They had to carry her off, so I got out of fighting her."

Whack. "That's just great, twerp."

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"Okay," Naruto said thoughtfully, "Since Kyuubi's kind of…odd," he cast a quick look at Kyuubi, who was trailing behind him, muttering absolute nonsense secretively and ducking behind things humming the Mission Impossible theme, "I'm going to do the recap."

He drew out a golden key with a red jewel on it. "I got the Boss Key, which is another new element for the Temples. I got more small keys, and shot some more stuff with my bow…" he shrugged. "That's about it."

"You suck at doing the recap," Kyuubi called lazily. Naruto turned around, hackles raised.

"Well, at least I'm trying!" he retorted.

Kyuubi snorted. "You can't _try_ for dumb luck…"

Naruto shrugged, sunny disposition suddenly back. "You're right," he agreed. "I think we've reached the next Poe sister!"

A large picture of Kurenai hung on the wall, and several blocks hung, suspended, on the ceiling. The doors were barred.

Naruto shot the large target, making the blocks fall down onto the floor. Naruto stared at them in confusion.

"What do you think this is?" he questioned, turning to his fairy partner. Kyuubi took a quick scan of the blocks and smirked.

"Looks like a puzzle, twerp," he said, smirking lazily. "I think it's timed to do something after every minute. It also marks the end of your little lucky streak." He grinned widely. "I've been stuck with you since the beginning, twerp, so I _know_ how badly you suck at puzzles!" he cackled, relieved.

Indeed, after a minute, the blocks flipped over. Kyuubi groaned and dragged a hand down his face. The blocks had flipped perfectly into place, and on them was a fully formed picture of Kurenai. Said sensei appeared out of the darkness.

"Good job, figuring out my puzzle so quickly," she said to the blonde. Kyuubi's eyes grew bloodshot and he began yelling.

"IT'S BEEN DUMB LUCK THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE DAMN THING! DON'T CONGRATULATE HIM WHEN YOUR STUPID PUZZLE MAGICALLY PUT _ITSELF_ TOGETHER!"

"Uh, are you okay, Kyuubi?" Naruto inquired, now a little concerned.

"AM I OKAY?" He roared in his charge's face. "ARE YOU KIDDING? I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS! I'M COMPLETELY BREAKING DOWN HERE, AND -" he froze suddenly and began to chuckle. Kurenai and Naruto exchanged concerned looks. Kyuubi held up a finger.

"Excuse me one moment," he hissed, going outside through a window that wasn't there seconds before. He looked up accusingly at the sky. "DAMN YOU TWO TO _HELL!_"

"Technically, we can't be damned," Farore piped up, grumbling. "We're Goddesses. But in any case, I can't be blamed for this, no matter how much I wish I could be."

"_Din_," he gave a feral growl, and the red Goddess began to giggle nervously.

"Hi, Kyuubi," she said anxiously. "Hope you're not too miffed. I thought it was a pretty good little joke. Nearly worked, too!" she giggled. "Do you completely hate me now?"

"What do you mean, now?" Kyuubi muttered to himself. In a louder voice, he pasted on a fake smile. "No, of course not," he said, voice strained. "We'll talk this over later, shall we? I'm in the middle of a battle."

"Sure thing," Din blew him a kiss and the sky returned to normal. Kyuubi re-entered the Temple, sighing. He blinked and looked around. Kurenai was gone, Naruto standing there a looking sheepish.

"Where'd she go?" Kyuubi asked carefully. Naruto grinned.

"Well, she thought you seemed kind of stressed out about us fighting her, so she left and just, kind of…gave me the victory." Naruto smiled. "Cool, huh? Sure is lucky."

Kyuubi's eyes bugged out of their sockets. Naruto breathed in sharply, preparing himself for it.

"…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

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Wow…what a bad chapter! (Laughs guiltily) Sorry about that! Not only that, but it was a bit late. I needed a day off.

Next chapter has the last Poe sister, Phantom Ganon, and the Deku Sprout! Any and all guesses/reviews will go to my author inspiration fund. Every one gives the author more drive to write!


	20. Give A Cheer, Phantom Ganon Is Here!

Well, apparently I don't own anything. Kyuubi is repetitively kidnapped by **shattered-words**, Naruto still doesn't belong to me, and Nintendo's not budging on their ownership rights, no matter how many lawyers I drag over there.

Anyway, thanks goes out to **shattered-words** (who I've already mentioned, of course! Thanks for returning Kyuubi long enough for me to write a chapter) **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, **Shikamarugirl**, **Gorion1928** (who's actually on vacation right now – I miss your reviews!) and **IlluminatedShadow**!

YOSH! Now, I have an announcement! The UOLASG (Unrequited Orochimaru Lovers Anonymous Support Group) is now accepting new applicants! It only takes a review to join!

Chapter time!

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Naruto exited the Poe Sister's room out into the central room. The three lit torches in the middle square caught his attention instantly, each flame glowing a different colour. In the very centre of the room was someone clad in purple hunching over, face unseen.

"That's the final Poe sister," Kyuubi informed his charge. "No amount of dumb luck can get you out of this fight. She's the meanest and hardest one to defeat."

"Thanks for the moral support," Naruto rolled his eyes.

Kyuubi thought for a second before cracking into a wide grin. "You want moral support? I suppose I can do that."

Naruto gave him a wary look. "I'm not sure I trust you," he said cautiously. "You'll probably take this way over the top out of bitterness from last chapter."

Kyuubi narrowed his eyes and hit him lightly. "Well, now I have to," he said, irritated. "You know, just for once I was hoping for a chapter without a gimmick, but now you've _forced_ me into it. Nice work, twerp."

Naruto slapped his forehead. "Sorry," he apologized with a wan smile. "I'll just keep my mouth shut next time."

"That'd make for a nice change," Kyuubi muttered. Naruto hopped down over the side and began walking towards the Poe sister.

"No way!" he sputtered as the Poe sister looked up, eyes meeting Naruto's. Kyuubi's eyes went wide, and before he could stop himself, he began to cheer.

"_I-R-U-K-A! The Poe Sister is your sensei!_" he brought out a bright red pair of pom-poms and cheered joyfully. "_Yeah!_" An instant later the pom-poms had vanished and a very confused Kyuubi was clutching his head, reeling. Naruto was torn between extreme concern for his fairy and shock at his sensei.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto finally decided on an emotion. "What are you doing here?"

The mild-mannered ninja smiled sheepishly. "Hello…I'm not really sure why, but I was chosen for the role of the final Poe sister."

"Iruka!" a stagehand called. "Stop being so…you! You need to be aggressive!"

"_Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!_" Kyuubi shouted before he could help himself. He blinked and tried to clear his head. "What the…"

"Right, right!" Iruka looked uncertain. "Just one question, though…uh, how am I supposed to act?"

"You're a cross dressing, bitter, evil ghost!" the stagehand yelled. "Draw on that!"

"_E-V-I-L! We'll send it's doers straight to hell! G-H-O-S-T! Been there, done that, so let us be!_" Kyuubi chanted, shaking his pom-poms from side to side.

Naruto looked extremely disturbed. "Okay, this could quite possibly be the weirdest thing to ever happen to me…well, no," he said as an afterthought. "I don't think anything can top inside Jabu-Jabu…"

"Can we just get to the battle?" Kyuubi asked desperately. "I don't want to start cheering again! The quicker we can get this -" he cut himself off and began shout, "_Battle, begin! Bat-tle, begin! It's good versus bad, let's W-I-N win! YEAH!_"

As the kitsune cheered unwillingly, Iruka split himself into four clones. "Replication jutsu!"

Naruto yelped and brought out his bow. "Kyuubi, I need to Z-Target the real one! Is there any way to tell which one is real?"

"_Feel the pain, feel the burn, the real one does a clockwise turn!_" Kyuubi cheered, whizzing around pointlessly. "_Do your best, take it slow, the winner will be Naruto! YEAH!_"

Naruto released a stream of arrows at one of the Poe Sister clones, and it disappeared in a small puff of smoke. "I appreciate the support, Kyuubi, but HELP ME!" he yelled.

"I'm trying, twerp!" he sounded frustrated, shaking his head rapidly from side to side. Once he had a relatively good grip on himself, he whizzed over to the original Iruka. "_T-R-Y-I-N-G! This one was here originally!_"

"Got him!" Naruto shot an arrow at Iruka, who yelped and disappeared. Naruto looked stricken. "Uh, sorry, Iruka-sensei!"

"That's alright," Iruka reappeared, showing him where he was shot. "See? The wound's gone."

"Oh, that's good," Naruto smiled in relief. "I was worried I'd really hurt you or something!"

"_Enough T-A-L-K-I-N-G!_" Kyuubi waved his pom-poms impatiently. "_The boss room's where we're supposed to be!_"

"Right, sorry!" Naruto called to the fairy and redrawing his bow. Iruka replicated himself, doing a rather pointless twirl as he did so.

"That one, Kyuubi!" he pointed at the real one as the Poe Sisters rotated around him, chuckling ominously. Kyuubi flitted over to him, hands clamped firmly over his mouth. Naruto followed the fairy with his bow and released the arrow, letting it auto-target Iruka. His sensei shrieked and disappeared.

"That actually hurts a lot," Iruka complained. Naruto looked worried.

"I'm really sorry, Iruka-sensei," he apologized again. Kyuubi seemed to be struggling with himself. Finally, he threw his hands down and burst out with another cheer.

"_Give it up, this fight is done! It would benefit everyone!_" he cheered. "_S-U-DOUBLE R! Give up the fight! E-N-D-E-R! Give up the fight!_"

Iruka looked troubled. "I don't want to fight you, but I think I should do my job," he hesitated. "Uh…excuse me? Uh, can I speak to the director?"

A stagehand rushed out, holding a latte. "I'm supposed to pass this on," he said, rushed. "If you have a message or a complaint, I can pass that on too, while I'm at it."

"Uh, can you ask if we can just leave the battle at that?" Iruka requested. "The, uh, fairy was cheering about how it would probably benefit everyone, and I agree."

"I'll get the message through," the stagehand ran off in the other direction. The three on screen exchanged looks.

"So…I guess we wait for the director's answer?" Naruto asked uncertainly.

"_Yeah, we're waiting! Waiting for an answer! W-A-I-T, I wish they could go faster!_" Kyuubi chanted, pom-poms quivering. They disappeared with a slight popping noise and Kyuubi wilted. "Damn, if it's annoying me, what's the cheering doing to you two?"

"Actually, I find it kind of funny," Naruto piped up.

Iruka shrugged. "It doesn't really bother me."

Kyuubi's eyes narrowed. "Well, if this only serves to annoy myself, then I think I know who to blame for this," he said slowly. "It has to be -"

"I'm back!" the stagehand returned, and Kyuubi suddenly started cheering again.

"_Back, you've returned! With an answer that we've earned!_" Kyuubi chanted. "_If you dare say the wrong thing, a lot of pain is what I'll bring! Back, you're back! Yeah!_"

The stagehand gave him a weird look. "Uh…okay then," he shook his head slightly. "Anyway, the director said, and I quote, 'I don't really give a damn what you feel like doing at this point. All I care is that I have my latte, so you guys can go ahead and quit if you want. Hey you, what the hell is this, this latte is a mocha, get me another one.' End quote."

"Oh, good," Iruka said brightly. "Then, um…am I supposed to get the director a latte?"

"Oh, could you?" the stagehand perked up. "That would really take a load off of me. Just a warning, though – don't get a mocha. Thanks!" the stagehand scurried off to do…whatever stagehands do. Iruka looked confused, then shrugged and patted Naruto on the back.

"Well, good luck," he smiled. "I'm sure you two will do fine down there. I better be off…although, do either of you know where to get a latte?"

"Second floor, food court," Naruto replied. "There's a coffee shop right next to the ramen stand."

"Thanks," Iruka waved and went off in search of a latte for the director.

"Well, that was an unexpected character choice," Naruto commented, watching the elevator rise up. "Let's keep going, Kyuubi."

"_Going, keep going! To the boss battle room! Going, keep going! Go to face our doom! Yeah!_" Kyuubi threw up his pom-poms as the elevator lowered to the basement floor. "_Let's just hope that we'll be fine, time to put a cut-off line!_"

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The air was stiflingly silent in the boss's chambers, and several pictures hung side-by-side on the walls, all of them identical of a dark winding path in a forest. Around an arena-like space, velvety banisters closed off the sides, with a space by the staircase Naruto was climbing to allow him in. He shuddered. The very room gave him chills.

Kyuubi struggled to keep silent. He didn't want to completely ruin the mood. However, he couldn't help quickly whispering, "No one's even here," before clamping his hands firmly over his mouth again.

"Shh!" Naruto brought a finger to his lips. Kyuubi rolled his eyes but complied. I mean, why wouldn't he? It's not like he could do otherwise when he was terrified of cheering again.

Naruto frowned and straightened up. "Maybe there isn't anyone here," he said aloud. "Think we got the wrong room?"

"_No! N-O! I really don't think so! But you should still try to leave, there's nowhere else to go!_" Kyuubi gasped at the end. "Damn it! This is YOUR fault, G -"

A low, dark chuckle echoed throughout the empty room, and three spikes shot out of the ground, blocking the exit. Naruto turned around and gaped in horror.

"O-O-O-Orochimaru!" he stammered. The pale figure on the back of the horse sneered evilly.

"That's right," he smirked. "Prepare to die, foolish young hero!" He waved his hand and a long sword appeared in his hand, made not of steel, but of another familiar material.

Kyuubi's eyes shot open wide and he pointed. "_B-O-N-E-S! They're the weapons he uses best! Kimimaro, Kimimaro! U-O-L-A-S-G! The best member he used to be! Kimimaro, Kimimaro!_"

The impostor blinked in surprise and peeled off his thoroughly convincing mask. "There's no need to cheer for me," he said uncomfortably. Then he studied the glowing red orb carefully as Kyuubi tucked away his pom-poms, mumbling curses. "Kyuubi? Is that you?"

"_Y-E-S, you traitor! A traitor to your kind! We thought he was one of us when Oro paid no mind!_" Kyuubi chanted. "_You joined us early on, we didn't think ahead too far, turned out that you had a chance 'cause underage you are!_"

Kimimaro flushed pink. "Shut up!" he snapped. "You were all just jealous that he actually paid attention to me!"

Naruto had his hands over his ears at the first mention of the UOLASG, but timidly uncovered them to say hesitantly, "Uh, I don't really care who you are. Can I just battle you and defeat you so I can hurry up and see Sakura?"

Kimimaro scoffed. "I doubt that you'll be able to defeat me. I will show everyone…that I exist. I'll show the Great Ganondorf that I exist by killing you!"

Naruto blinked. "Uh, yeah, okay. Whatever."

Kimimaro narrowed his eyes. "That was my cool, I'm-about-to-kill-you speech. Aren't you even going to say anything else?"

Naruto shrugged. "Nope. I'm going to look at the words at the bottom of the screen to find out who you are, and then likely kill you in some weird strategic way." On cue, the words at the bottom of the screen appeared; 'Evil Sprit From Beyond; Phantom Ganon'. Naruto turned to Kyuubi. "If he's a phantom, does that mean the real Orochimaru is dead?"

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "What do you think, twerp?"

Naruto grinned. "I think you just spoke normally without cheering."

Kyuubi looked surprised and brightened. "_WOO! I'm cured! C-U-R-E_…Oh, damn it!" Kyuubi trailed off, cursing, as Kimimaro retreated into one of the paintings.

Naruto took out his bow and held it at eye-level, pointing it at a different painting in turn. "Come on, don't tell me you're just going to stay in there," he said loudly. Just then he spotted a painting with a tiny figure wielding a bone sword on a horse galloping down the path. Naruto grinned. "Gotcha."

The Kimimaro in the painting smirked and turned around, the horse going back up the path. Naruto's jaw dropped and he lowered his bow. "What the -"

Kimimaro laughed from behind him, making Naruto turn sharply, but it was too late. Lightning struck the ground, sprawling in all directions and sending electricity jolting through Naruto's body. Kimimaro smirked in satisfaction before retreating into another painting. Kyuubi flitted over, worried.

"_Hey, hey, you okay? Twerp, you have to save the day!_" Kyuubi fretted. Naruto winced, adjusting his hat.

"Well, maybe if you cheered louder," the blonde snapped, eager to pin the blame on someone. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes in disbelief.

"Kyuubi, look out!" Naruto said suddenly, drawing an arrow and firing at the painting directly behind Kyuubi. Kimimaro, who was glowing white and emerging from the painting, howled in pain before retreating back into the frame.

"I get it," Naruto said slowly. "I have to shoot him – the REAL him – as he's coming out of the painting!"

"_He gets it, yeah, he gets it! Shoot the bastard when he glows!_" Kyuubi chanted, doing a little dance, to his self-disgust. "_He got it, right, he got it! How he did it, no one knows!_ _Go, go, Naruto! Go, go, Naruto!_"

"I was kidding about the cheering for me thing," Naruto informed Kyuubi, but it was too late. The kitsune was doing gymnastic routines, waving his pom-poms enthusiastically and cheering with gusto. Tears began to well up in the kitsune's eyes. This was just torture.

"_Come on twerp, win the fight! Do part of this Temple right! Your luck ran out last chapter, so shoot him when he glows white!_" Kyuubi chanted. Naruto gave him a pitying look and knocked another arrow.

"Argh!" Kimimaro swore as another arrow struck him. "Damn that author for taking away my bloodline -"

"No time to complain!" Naruto grinned, sending another three arrows at him. Kimimaro swore again, this time emerging from the painting.

"Screw those stupid things," he spat. "I liked the alternative better anyway!" he held out his hand and a ball of darkness seemed to implode on itself, creating an orb of white light.

"_Deflect it, yeah deflect it! Just send it flying back! When he falls down, slash him up, and you'll be right on track!_" Kyuubi instructed through his upbeat rhyming. Naruto gave him a quick nod to show he understood. Kyuubi nodded as well, before going back to, "_Go, go, Naruto! Go, go, Naruto!_" He continued in that manner.

"Don't worry, Kyuubi," Naruto muttered. "I swear I'll save both you and Sakura. Well…if I find out how to save you. I know how to save Sakura, so I'll work on that one first…"

"Keep your eye on the ball, hero!" Kimimaro snarled, hurling the ball at him. Naruto jumped, automatically swinging his sword, hitting the ball of light and sending it back at Kimimaro. The man's eyes went wide and he quickly copied Naruto, sending the orb back at Naruto with his bone sword.

"How long is this stupid game of tennis supposed to go on?" Naruto yelled, sending the ball back at Kimimaro AGAIN. This time, the other man mistimed his slash, and the orb struck him painfully. Kimimaro yelped and fell to the ground, crackling with electricity. Naruto took the opportunity and practically pelted his sword at him. Kimimaro, inexplicably, didn't bleed or die, but rose back into the air, flinching from the pain and effort.

"_One, two, three, four! You really can't take much more!_" Kyuubi taunted Kimimaro. _"Five, six, seven, eight! You're going to die, and I can't wait! Go, Naruto!_"

Kimimaro's face contorted angrily and he sent another power ball at the blonde. Naruto, caught unaware, was sent flying into the wall. He hit one of the paintings, sliding down the wall and dragging the canvas down with him, tearing it in half. Kimimaro gasped.

"You little bastard!" he hissed. "I spent hours painting those just for this occasion! You could at least show them some respect for my efforts!"

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, wincing. "Well, in that case, you could at least show some respect for my poor body!" he yelped. "I went to a lot of trouble to drag it here, so it's rude of you to just go and bruise it!"

"_J-E-R-K! Come on, brat, go make him pay!_" Kyuubi hollered. Inwardly, he sighed and supposed he should be grateful that it wasn't a musical parody. He shuddered.

"I've had enough of this!" Naruto yelled at Kimimaro, who blinked. "Can't we just fight normally? You know, sword against sword, rather than this stupid back-and-forth thing that we were doing?"

Kimimaro looked puzzled. "But…I worked really hard to come up with some really original ways for our battle to go. A simple swordfight just seems so…unimpressive."

Naruto mentally hit himself for what he was about to say, but gulped and went ahead. "Yeah, well, I bet a swordfight would impress Orochimaru…you know, sword against sword…an impressive display of muscle…or…something," Naruto struggled. Kimimaro actually looked considering.

"Well…alright," he decided finally. "Can I take off my shirt for this?"

Many fangirls were glued to the screen at this point, but Naruto grimaced. "I _really_ wish you wouldn't."

Kimimaro shrugged. "Whatever." He lowered himself onto the ground.

"Great," Naruto said triumphantly, drawing his sword. "Then let's battle!"

Their swords clashed, steel singing as they both struggled against the other's blade. Kimimaro drew back and began going through fencing movements, Naruto blocking each one. Kyuubi watched dully, one eyebrow raised.

Naruto, as if sensing Kyuubi's stare, turned his head to face him. The fairy was indeed giving him a 'I can't believe you're really that stupid' look. Naruto shrugged. "What?"

Kyuubi smacked his forehead and began miming something. Naruto cocked his head, narrowing blue eyes. "I don't understand, Kyuubi," he said. "But I guess you shouldn't talk, right? You'll just start cheering again."

Kyuubi mimed even more frantically. Naruto watched for a good five minutes before it dawned on him.

"Oh!" he grinned. "I get it now! Isn't that kind of playing dirty?"

Kyuubi shook his head from side to side enthusiastically. Naruto shrugged, drew back his leg, and…

"YARGH!" Kimimaro's eyes nearly popped out of sockets, tossing his bone sword aside, cursing loudly. He clutched at his groin and crumpled, falling over and nearly vomiting from the pain. Naruto watched with a fierce sort of amusement.

"Ha! I win, then!" Naruto grinned, giving the screen a 'good guy' pose. Then he jumped when a familiar, evil chuckle resounded through the room over Kimimaro's groans of pain.

"Hey kid, you did quite well! It looks like you may be gaining some slight skill…but you have defeated only my phantom! When you fight the real me, it won't be so easy!" the voice laughed maniacally. Naruto's brow furrowed.

"Orochimaru?"

"No, twerp, it's Santa Claus," Orochimaru spat sarcastically. Naruto snorted.

"Just making sure. I hope you know that I already knew it was your phantom. I figured that out when I saw that the boss's name was _Phantom Ganon_. Duh…" Naruto rolled his eyes.

"S-Shut up, you stupid hero kid!" Orochimaru sputtered. "As I was SAYING, since that phantom was useless, I'll just banish him to the gap between dimensions!"

Kimimaro, who was still writhing, suddenly stopped and brightened. "Okay!" he said enthusiastically. Kyuubi looked both revolted and outraged, while Naruto muttered, "For some reasons, I have suspicions about this so-called 'gap between dimensions'…"

Kimimaro disappeared, leaving a heart container behind. Naruto seized it, shuddering.

"I want to get out of here, as soon as possible," he muttered, starting to walk towards the portal. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes.

"_Me too, M-E too! Goddesses, I have to talk to you!_" He yelled before following his charge into the portal.

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Naruto blinked. They were in a familiar place, but not the place he'd thought he would be. He stood in the middle of the Chamber of the Sages, looking confused.

"We're back here?" he said aloud. "Why?"

"_Sorry, twerp, I don't know! This isn't where I thought we'd go!_" Kyuubi shrugged. Naruto gave him a concerned frown.

"You know, we really have to get that cheering thing checked out," he mused.

A light coughing noise interrupted him, followed by a loud, "PAY ATTENTION TO US, YOU STUPID BASTARDS!"

"Inner Sakura," Sakura chided half-heartedly. Naruto gasped.

"Sakura!" he said, shocked. "_You're_ the Sage of the Forest?"

She gave him a strange look. "Well, yeah. You else could it have been?"

Naruto frowned, and hesitated before saying, "Uh…why did you dye your hair?"

Sakura toyed with the green locks. "Uh, do you like it?" she asked nervously. "I thought it made me look a bit more like Saria."

"Shouldn't you have worn green then?" he inquired, pointing at her bright pink dress. Sakura groaned.

"I knew I got something wrong," she said, disappointed. "Anyway, I have a big speech to give now, so…I'm just going to get it over with."

Naruto nodded and sat down, cross-legged, while Kyuubi struggled with some masking tape, attempting to shut himself up. Sakura began. "Thank you. Because of you, I could awaken as a Sage... I am Saria, the Sage of the Forest Temple..."

"You just said that," Naruto pointed out. Sakura gave him a look, and he shut up again.

"It is destiny that you and I can't live in the same world," Sakura said solemnly, tears welling up in her eyes. Naruto looked as if he wanted to protest, but fell silent at the look Kyuubi gave him. "I will stay here as the Forest Sage and help you. Now, please take this Medallion..."

Iruka ran out from off screen. "Uh, the Medallion-lowering device is currently broken, so I'm supposed to give this to you." He handed Naruto a green coloured Medallion, and Sakura frowned.

"Can't they just get more rope?"

Iruka began to stammer a response, but Naruto cut him off. "What are doing here, anyway, Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka smiled sheepishly. "Well, uh, apparently the director likes my latte-fetching skills, so I was hired on as a stagehand."

"Oh," Naruto blinked as the screen began to go white. Everything went blank.

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Naruto blinked and frowned. "What the…why are we here now?" Kyuubi wrinkled his nose and groaned through the tape.

They stood in front of the dead Deku Tree, it's leafless branches brittle with decay and it's bark thick with moss and mould. A beam of light shone directly through the branches onto a small seed with a leaf coming out from the top. Naruto bent over it to get a better look.

Suddenly, Naruto was thrown backwards painfully as the sprout had a sudden random growth spurt, the plump sapling grinning moronically.

"Hey, kid!" Tsunade's voice came from the tree. "Good to have me back, eh?"

"Not really," he said, glaring daggers at the sprout. "What the hell are you doing back?"

"I'm the Deku Sprout," she said. "To celebrate the fact that I'm back, I'm not going to bother with the long, annoying speech I'm supposed to say."

"Old Lady Tsunade!" Naruto threw his arms open wide and hugged the sprout. "I missed you!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Tsunade said, a tone of smugness in her voice. "So, to summarise; you and Saria broke the curse on me, even though Saria didn't actually do anything. You aren't a Kokiri, you're a Hylian. And lastly, I order you to save the world by going to all the Temples and awakening the other Sages. Done! Wasn't that better than a long speech?"

Naruto looked stricken. "I'm…not a Kokiri?"

"Nope," Tsunade said cheerfully. "You've been living a lie and everything you were told as a child wasn't true! Basically, you're the epitome of an identity crisis!"

Naruto's face crumpled and he curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth slightly. The sprout didn't move.

"Oh yeah, I forgot how frustrating that is," Tsunade said after a minute. "I'm shrugging, so you know. What's the point of falling to pieces? You're only not the person you thought you were and your caregiver from birth has been spoon-feeding you lies all your life! So what if Mido was right and you never actually fit in? Cheer up, kid!"

Naruto wailed.

Meanwhile, Kyuubi had finally shaken his cheering curse, but was still staring up at the sky with tears streaming down his face.

"How could you?" he demanded. "How could you torment a poor, tortured fairy like that?"

Nayru gave a sheepish chuckle. "I told you I was sorry. It's just…it looked like fun," she finished lamely. "I really am sorry, Kyuubi. I won't participate in their silly contest again, I promise."

"Again?" Kyuubi's ears perked up and he stopped sobbing in disbelief. "But I cried! Wasn't that the deal?"

It was Din who answered. "Well, uh, yeah," the red Goddess giggled. "But Nayru wasn't actually in on the contest, so Farore and I decided that we had to keep it going!"

Kyuubi's eyes grew huge and he drew his spork. As if heading him off, Din hastily said, "Ah, ah, ah! No suicide! That would completely wreck our little contest, wouldn't it?"

"There," Farore said, satisfied. "I made it so he can't die. That's better, isn't it?"

Kyuubi dropped his spork, the precious utensil clattering to the ground. Clutching his head, he began to sob again. "WHY ME?"

Farore hesitated. "Uh…does that one count? Since, you know, I made him immortal, and he cried, that counts, right?"

The Goddesses began to bicker, ignoring the sobbing wrecks that were Naruto and Kyuubi.

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That…was a really weak ending. (Buries face) Ack, that was so bad. I apologize for that chapter. Really, I just wanted to get the chapter out.

(Sigh) Now that it's out of the way, the next chapter includes everyone's favourite Goron… What? No, not Jiraiya/Darunia! Little Link of the Gorons! Any guesses?

Thanks for reading, and to my dedicated readers…thanks for sticking with me this long! The 20th chapter mark! YAY!


	21. Mommy, Where Do Goron Babies Come From?

Rather than do the disclaimer myself, from now on I've decided to get OTHER people to do the disclaimer! First up is Hinata, for…well, no reason in particular, actually.

Hinata: Um…l-lackofname d-doesn't own Z-Zelda or N-Naru…(blushes so hard she passes out)

Oh dear. Lucky thing for me she doesn't appear again for quite a few chapters…

**Announcement!** **EvilFuzzy9** asked me if he could use Kyuubi, the adorable little ball of evil that he is, as a muse – and my answer is, of course! So, just so everyone knows, I not only wouldn't mind letting you use Kyuubi, I'd love it! …You know, as long as I get credit and everything :P That's what disclaimers are for, right?

Now, let's see…this time my thanks goes out to **Vixen Kitsune**, **Fierkraag** (who I meant to thank ages ago…), **Eagle-Owl** (an anonymous reviewer), **Komo Pineconeseed** and **quaddo**!

(Is now fanning Hinata) Uh…she'll be okay…cut to the chapter, will you?

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"Say, Kyuubi…" Naruto began thoughtfully, sprawled out on the marble white floor. The kitsune looked at him strangely, but complied.

"Kyuubi," he blinked. "So…any particular reason you told me to say my name?"

Naruto swatted him out of the air. "You didn't let me finish, dattebayo," he chided half-heartedly. "I was just going to ask…why are we back at the Temple of Time?"

Kyuubi brought himself back to a lazy hover, scowling at his charge for knocking him down. "Every time you save and turn off the power, your location is lost to programming," he replied languidly. "To make their job easier, the programmers just made you warp back here every time you turn the game back on."

Naruto blinked, confused. "Oh," he said uncertainly. "Okay…that makes sense." Even as the words left his mouth, he only looked more and more perplexed.

"Besides, it's a useful little plot device to get you back here so you can talk to him," Kyuubi jerked a thumb back behind him. Naruto could see Haku, who was quite clearly waiting for him patiently. Well, sort of patiently. He was throwing needles at the wall in boredom, slowly forming an accurate picture of the Triforce.

"Oh," Naruto got to his feet and began walking over. He looked back at Kyuubi. "Uh, aren't you coming?"

"Nope," he responded simply. Naruto hesitated for a moment, as if expecting the fairy to catch up to him, but when he did no such thing the blonde simply shrugged and kept going.

"Hello, Naruto," Haku said, throwing his final needle. It stuck in the wall, creating the top point of the legendary symbol. "I've been waiting for you. Waiting for a long, _long_ time." He emphasised the 'long', narrowing his eyes – not that they were visible behind his mask, anyway. "What the hell were you doing?"

"Apparently, I saved and turned off the game," Naruto answered, trying to keep the bewilderment out of his voice. Haku nodded in understanding.

"That makes sense. Sorry to have snapped at you, then." He brought out his harp and began to speak in the manner of one delivering a speech – in other words, dully and practically monotone. "You destroyed the wicked creatures that haunted the temple and awakened the Sage, but there are still other Sages who need your help. In order to awaken all the other Sages, you must become even more powerful."

"So having a powerful, legendary sword that's supposedly blessed by the Goddesses isn't enough," Naruto said, the faintest hint of joking sarcasm in his voice. Haku nodded.

"Exactly."

Naruto's jaw dropped and he whined, "Oh, come on! I was kidding!"

"You must travel over mountains, under water, and even through time to truly become stronger," Haku informed him. "In order to go back in time, return the Master Sword to it's pedestal. This will take you back in time…seven years back in time."

"I still don't believe it was actually seven years," Naruto declared decisively. Haku coughed lightly.

"There will be a time when you need to return here quickly, so I must teach you the song to return you to this Temple. It's called the Prelude of Light, which doesn't actually make sense. Usually, the song is named after whatever Temple it is, but since any song like it would be ripping off the Song of Time, they decided on light instead."

"Good to know," Naruto nodded, taking out his Ocarina.

Haku plucked out a simple tune on his harp, and the blonde mimicked it. The two played along with each other, until the light melody faded away. Haku tucked his harp away.

"The Minuet of the Forest was cooler," Naruto snorted, putting the Ocarina into his kunai pouch. Haku nodded in agreement.

"It doesn't matter how cool the song is, though," he reminded. "I taught it to you to serve a purpose."

"Why don't you just teach me all the warp songs I need right now?" Naruto inquired. Haku hesitated, eyes shifting.

"Uh…there is a time and a place for everything. I cannot teach you the songs until the time is right," he read off a cue card, being held up by the new stagehand, Iruka. Iruka smiled and gave Haku a thumbs-up. Naruto looked at Haku, then at the cue card, then back at Haku.

"You people actually prepared what would happen if I asked that?" he raised his eyebrows. Haku paused.

"…No," he answered finally. "No, we did not."

"You know," Naruto said suspiciously, taking a step towards Haku, "I think you're just trying to make things harder for me. You _are_ a non-playable character, after all…"

"No, I'm here to help you," Haku insisted. "I should be going…"

"Wait a second!" Naruto protested, but recoiled in time to shield his eyes when Haku pelted a cool flashy Sheikah thing at the ground. Naruto swore and stomped his way back to Kyuubi, who, by all appearances, hadn't even moved since Naruto had left.

"You won't believe -"

"Yeah, yeah, heard every word," Kyuubi waved a hand dismissively. "I think the real issue is, will Martha ever realize that Diego is cheating on her? The whole baby issue is just meant to get us riled up, but they won't be getting back to it for another ten episodes."

"…What are you talking about?" Naruto frowned.

Kyuubi looked caught, and intelligently retorted, "No, what are _you_ talking about?"

Naruto blinked. "I…uh…what _was_ I talking about?" he pondered.

Kyuubi smirked and flitted out of the Temple, singing softly, "I feel witty…oh so witty…"

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Naruto looked around the ghost city that was once…well, fairly lively. A bit. I mean, there were at least people around before. Well, not people, but Gorons. Wait…that was rude, sorry. Gorons are people too.

Anyway, Naruto took a few hesitant steps into Goron city, the upbeat background music seeming out of place among the relatively still city. The giant spinning statue in the middle of the floor was gone, as were the Gorons that had once been scattered pointlessly around. The only movement was that of a gold Skulltula clinging to the platform in the middle of the room, and a tiny Goron curled up into a ball and rolling around inanely.

Kyuubi blew into Naruto's ear loudly. Naruto yelped and jumped back, glaring at the fairy accusingly. Kyuubi merely shrugged. "You know how in western movies when the hero enters a ghost town, hay or dust will roll across the screen with a big gust of wind?"

"That was blowing into my ear, Kyuubi," Naruto narrowed his eyes. "There's a big difference."

"Just trying to capture that feeling," Kyuubi threw up his hands in defence. "Can't blame a guy for liking western movies…"

Naruto shook his head and began searching for a staircase leading down a floor. "The only Goron around seems to be that little one rolling around, so we should probably find a way to stop him from rolling."

"If I remember correctly from your younger days," Kyuubi mused, stroking his chin, "you were able to stop the giant Goron from rolling by setting a bomb in his way. The bomb went off, the Goron would be miraculously unharmed, and he'd stop rolling long enough to talk to you."

Naruto gave Kyuubi a strange look. "I never did anything like that when I was younger," he frowned. Kyuubi shrugged.

"You might've," he said evasively. "Maybe in the near future you'll go back to the past and do it just so I have that knowledge right now, because right now will be in the future and we'll know what to do in the future 'cause you did it in the past."

The blonde visibly reeled, halting to go over that in his mind. Kyuubi waited patiently. After a minute, Naruto opened his mouth and said simply, "I don't get it."

"Didn't expect you to, twerp," Kyuubi clapped a hand on his head. It wasn't a comforting gesture; Kyuubi used the hand to drag himself effortlessly over and nestled in the green hat on his charge's head.

Naruto watched the small Goron roll by. "Can I try a different method?"

"Does it look like I really care?" Kyuubi snorted. Naruto rolled his eyes up and shrugged helplessly.

"I don't know, I can't see you," he replied. Kyuubi rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Do whatever the hell you want, twerp," he said slowly. "All I care right now is that _I_ don't have to do anything."

Naruto simply kicked the Goron as he began to roll by again. He did, indeed, stop rolling.

"Good work, kid," Kyuubi drawled. "You managed to find another way around the laws of gaming."

"You weren't supposed to do that!" a tinny, familiar voice said angrily. "You were supposed to stop my rolling with a bomb! That way is harder!"

"Yeah, I know," Naruto shrugged. "But my way is faster."

The Goron made a faint sound of disgust before yelling, "How could you do this to me? You must be Ganondorf's servant! Now, hear my name and tremble!"

The Goron uncurled, springing energetically to his feet and posing. "I am Link, hero of the Gorons!"

Naruto blinked. "Konohamaru, what are you doing here?" he sounded annoyed.

"Hey!" Konohamaru grinned. "Why wouldn't I be here? I'm a character in the series, too, you know. Not to mention that I'm adorable, and I get the most screen time out of all the little kid characters!"

"Can't argue with that, twerp," Kyuubi piped up.

"So, who are you?" Konohamaru inquired. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"You know who I am," Naruto sighed. Kyuubi hit him lightly. "Fine…my name is Naruto Uzumaki, the Hero of Time!" he gave the screen a cheesy grin.

"Wait…your name is _Naruto?_" Konohamaru gasped melodramatically. "Then you must be the legendary Dodongo buster and hero, Naruto! I was named after you because you're so brave!"

Naruto blinked, and Kyuubi sniggered. The blonde gave Konohamaru a strange look. "Uh…Link of the Gorons doesn't even sound remotely _like_ Naruto. How were you named after me?"

"My dad told me I was named after you, so it must be true!" Konohamaru insisted. "My dad is Darunia! Remember him?"

"Oh, ero-sennin," Naruto muttered. "That explains it."

"You're a real hero to us Gorons!" Konohamaru said excitedly, pulling out a pen and paper. "Can I have your autograph?"

Naruto looked flattered. "Well, sure," he said, puffing out his chest a bit. Grinning, he whispered to Kyuubi, "You should have a kid like this around. It really boosts your ego, you know?"

"I already have you, twerp," Kyuubi muttered back. "That's good enough for my ego. You never fail to make me feel intelligent."

"Oh," Naruto nodded in understanding. Kyuubi held his breath.

"Wait for it…"

"Hey!"

"Okay!" Konohamaru interrupted, pushing the pen and paper into Naruto's hands. "Sign it, 'To my friend and superior, Link of the Gorons'."

"Sure!" Naruto began to write cheerfully, before frowning. "Hold on – since when are you my superior?"

"I have a trailer," Konohamaru stated matter-of-factly. Naruto cursed and went back to writing. While this was going on, something rather disturbing had occurred to Kyuubi.

"Say, mini-twerp," he said slowly. "Uh…who's your mommy?"

Naruto froze and looked up. "Hey, yeah! Last I heard there were no female Gorons." He dropped his voice to a dark mutter. "If I find out ero-sennin has been anywhere near my Sexy no Jutsu…"

"Dad says my mothers are the Goddesses," Konohamaru grinned. Kyuubi gaped.

"_What?_" he shrieked. "Excuse me for one minute!" he flew outside before either boy could blink.

Outside, Kyuubi began grilling the Goddesses. "Okay, who gave birth to the Goron brat?" he asked impatiently. "Hold on, how would that even work? Din, I bet it was you, wasn't it? You had a thing for the big Goron guy last I checked!"

The sky flashed scarlet. "Oh, that is so over," Din retorted. "Honestly, Kyuubi, I never took you as the naïve type."

"Really, Kyuubi," Farore chimed in, "I can't believe you'd get so jealous over something a little kid said!"

"Jealous?" Kyuubi sputtered. "I'm far from it! I just want to know which of you I can blame for cursing me with a second brat to temporarily baby-sit, and _this_ one has a bad case of hero worship!"

"Relax, Kyuu!" Din cooed. "What Darunia meant when he told his kid that was that we used our omnipotence to magically produce a Goron child."

"We figured, hey, we haven't done anything for the Gorons in a while," Farore added, "and we kind of needed to make up for the Bomb Flower incident thirteen years ago."

"What's the Bomb Flo – actually, never mind, I don't want to know," Kyuubi waved a hand. "And don't call me Kyuu!"

"But it makes you sound cute!" Din gushed. "Anyway, speaking of cute, there are two little protégés inside going through a huge long explanation, and I'm sure you don't want to miss it."

"Actually, I really, really do," Kyuubi grumbled. The sky returned to normal and Kyuubi sighed, drifting back inside.

"…There was an evil dragon named Volvagia living in this mountain," Konohamaru was saying. "That dragon was very scary! He ate Gorons! But then, using a huge hammer, the hero of the Gorons... BOOOM!" Konohamaru threw his arms up for emphasis. The kitsune yawned and settled himself back on Naruto's head.

"Oh joy," he said dully, "the explanation's only just started. I was simply _terrified_ that I'd missed something."

Konohamaru gave him a dirty look. "As I was saying," he said pointedly, "The hero destroyed it just like that. This is a myth from long ago, but it's true! I know, because my dad is a descendant of the hero!"

"If it's a true myth, kid, it's called history," Kyuubi pointed out. Naruto shushed him.

"So, what happened to the Gorons then?"

"Everyone was taken to the Fire Temple," Konohamaru said solemnly, sniffling slightly. "Ganondorf's followers took them all away when Dad was out doing research."

"Doing research?" Naruto repeated suspiciously. Konohamaru nodded.

"He does research for his 'side job' sometimes," he told him, making quotation marks with his fingers when he said 'side job'. "He goes up to the top of the mountain for a few hours. That's what Dad says."

Naruto's eyes narrowed to slits. "I'm going to kill him," he ground out. "Top of the mountain…I'll bet…"

"Dad said that Ganondorf revived Volvagia, and he'll feed all the Gorons to him to scare everyone else into obeying him!" Konohamaru's lip quivered dangerously. "He went to the Fire Temple all alone to save everyone…but you have to go, Naruto!"

"Why?" Naruto whined, wrinkling his nose.

"Because you're the hero, duh," Konohamaru rolled his watering eyes. "You'll do it, right?"

"Yeah, I'll do it," Naruto said, looking sympathetic. Konohamaru brightened.

"Great! Then I'm allowed to give you this!" he brought out a duplicate of Naruto's sweat suit, only it was bright red. "It's heat-resistant, so you'll be able to survive in the Fire Temple like the Gorons can!"

'You got an item!' music played as Naruto accepted it. He gave the screen an odd look.

"What is it now, twerp?" Kyuubi sighed. Naruto put a hand up to block the screen, trying to wave it away.

"Don't watch me change!" he exclaimed. "Go away!"

Kyuubi also looked at the screen and made a slashing movement across his throat. "You heard the kid," he said, waving the camera aside, "cut the camera!"

There were some muffled curses and disappointed groans, and then the screen went blank.

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The screen was black.

"You idiot, you left the lens cap on," an irritated voice said. There was some muffled background noise.

"Give me a break, I'm security detail, not a camera man!" Genma said defensively.

"Do you want some help with that?" Iruka offered.

"No, I think I got it…" the blackness disappeared and the screen showed Genma polishing the lens thoroughly. "There we go! How's the feed, Raidou? …Good? Okay!" he gave Kyuubi, who was impatiently tapping his foot on screen, a thumbs-up. "We're good to go!"

"Alright," the fairy exhaled. "Twerp, you can come out now."

Naruto peeked his head out hesitantly. Seeing that the camera was finally up and working, he paused only for a second before exiting. "I think it looks stupid," he complained.

"Twerp, it's identical to your last outfit, only red," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "It also comes with the bonus of being able to not fry in the Fire Temple. Quit bitching about it."

"Watch your language!" Naruto chided. "There are children present."

Konohamaru rolled his eyes. "My dad swears a lot more than that. Can I just say the rest of what I have to say? My masseuse is due in my trailer in ten minutes, and I don't want to miss an appointment."

"You get a masseuse?" Naruto squeaked. "That is so unfair…"

"The secret entrance to the Fire Temple is behind the big statue in my dad's room," Konohamaru ignored Naruto's indignant squeaking. "Oh, and the Goron shop keeper is hiding around here somewhere."

"I thought you said _all_ the Gorons were captured," Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"That's why he's _hiding,_" There was an unspoken 'duh' on the end of Konohamaru's sentence. "Good luck!"

"Alright then," Kyuubi grabbed Naruto's now-red hat. "We'll get going, then."

"Can you believe he gets a _masseuse?_" Naruto whispered furiously. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and began dragging Naruto down by his ear, with the blonde protesting in pain all the way down.

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Steam rose up from the piping hot sea of magma, curling up through the opening of the mountain into the dark sky above, peppered with stars. Reddish rock formed large hills and platforms; at least, in the glow of the lava, the rocks looked red. By some lucky coincidence, some bridges had been built, along with Hookshot targets.

Naruto's brow creased. "You know, Kyuubi, we haven't had a gimmick this chapter," he pointed out, turning to the fairy. At least where he thought he was. Kyuubi blended in almost perfectly with the glowing red background.

The kitsune beat his fragile wings faster, producing a buzzing noise that made it obvious where he was. Naruto turned in the opposite direction to face him.

"That is odd," Kyuubi frowned. "Should we feel suspicious?"

"One second," Naruto held up a finger. "Iruka-sensei!"

The background froze and Iruka popped his head on screen. "Yes?" he asked politely.

"Can you ask the director if there's going to be a gimmick this chapter?" Naruto requested. "I mean, we're kind of far in, so we want to know if there is one so we can cram it in the last few pages."

Kyuubi was about to correct his charge when he was nudged covertly. With a slight nod, the kitsune held his tongue. This was difficult for him, having no mouth and no hands, and a rather slippery tongue.

"I'd be glad to," Iruka said cheerfully. "In the meantime, carry on. I'll get right back here with the director's answer."

The screen began moving again and Naruto did as instructed. He began to walk along the bridge when out of nowhere, someone dropped down in front of him.

"AH! It's Spiderman!" Naruto shielded himself. Haku dragged a hand down his face and Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"It's not Spiderman, twerp," he sighed.

"Who else can drop down from the sky from wires that seemingly don't attach to anything?" Naruto responded smartly. Haku coughed.

"Uh, it's me," he said unnecessarily. "And I didn't drop down from wires. I just…dropped down."

"The twerp raises a fair question, though," Kyuubi frowned. "How?"

Haku froze. "Uh…I'm a Sheikah. Bask in the mystery of my actions."

Naruto nodded. "Oh, okay. Do you have another speech?"

"Yes," Haku sighed, bringing out his harp and strumming his fingers down it, playing his theme. "It is something that grows over time; a true friendship, a feeling in the heart that becomes stronger over time. The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power, and through it, you will know which way to go. This song is dedicated to the power of the heart..."

"That was beautiful," Naruto wiped his eyes. Kyuubi, though, raised his hand slightly.

"Uh, exactly what do you mean by 'the passion of friendship'?"

"I don't know," Haku shook his head. "Truthfully, I don't want to know. That was in the original script, though, so we kept it in. Now, I have to teach you the Bolero of Fire."

Haku, as was routine, plucked out the tune, and Naruto copied it. This time, though, when they broke into their duet, the screen showed some crazy angles as they played, and the music was more noticeable as it went on, rather than just trail off into a few really long, drawn-out notes.

Naruto lowered his Ocarina. "Cool!" he said enthusiastically.

Haku put the harp away. "Yeah, that's probably the coolest warp song I have to teach you. The rest are kind of boring, unless you like flighty, pretty songs."

Naruto grimaced. "Oh well. At least the Bolero is cool…"

"Well, seeing me twice in one chapter seems like enough," Haku waved. "I guess I'll be going now." He threw a cool flashy Sheikah thing and disappeared.

"Oh, Naruto!" Iruka came back on screen. "I have the director's answer. Turns out there was _supposed_ to be a gimmick, but it wasn't delivered on time."

Naruto's eyes went wide. "Oh, no…"

Kyuubi threw back his head, foaming at the mouth and snarling. Naruto inched away from him slowly. Iruka looked extremely concerned.

"Um…is he okay?" he inquired fretfully.

"Don't worry about him, worry about us!" Naruto said hastily. "I think I'll go down to the ramen stand…"

"I'll go with you," Iruka piped up quickly. Kyuubi's eyes grew bloodshot as he snorted angrily, spitting and babbling, screaming a single word repetitively at the sky.

"POSTMAN!"

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…Which is why we no longer have our gimmicks delivered.

Next up is the Fire Temple, where we re-meet Darunia/Jiraiya and several random Gorons. Chapter after that is Volvagia. BUT! There's something more important to say!

WE'VE REACHED THE HALFWAY MARK! WOO HOO! Chapter 21 is complete, and there are 21 chapters to go!

…Told you we were in for a long ride.


	22. Fire Temple: The Musical!

Alright, my next disclaimer shall be done by…Rock Lee!

Rock Lee: YOSH! The author does not currently own any rights to Zelda or Naruto! However, if she cannot obtain them within the end of this story, she shall swim one hundred laps around the ocean!

Wait, what? I never agreed to that! …Whatever. Right now, congratulations are in order! Everyone give a big hand to **kuroiryuu**, for giving me my two-hundredth review! YAY! Here's your big hand! (Holds out the dead Wallmaster from chapter 19)

Also, a round of applause for ME! I was shocked at getting a hundred reviews, and now at the halfway point I've gotten two hundred! YAY ME!

Alright, my moment of conceit is over. I am now, once again, a humble fanfiction author!

Rock Lee: YOSH! The chapter shall begin now!

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The intro music started up and the words 'The Uzumaki Show' scrolled across the screen. The camera began to pan in on the two figures sitting back in chairs, drinking coffee and laughing about something. They pretended to just notice the camera and waved, applause ringing in their ears.

"Hello, and welcome to The Uzumaki show!" The blonde said energetically. "I'm your host, Naruto Uzumaki!"

"And I'm Kyuubi," the other said, not actually sitting in his chair, but floating. "Man, do we have a chapter for you readers!"

"Ah, but before we get into that, we have an important announcement!" Naruto declared. "It has come to our attention that throughout the story, someone hasn't been getting nearly enough glory, not to mention screen time…so, let's give it up for our favourite benevolent Goddess, Nayru!"

The blue Goddess walked on screen, waving demurely to the raucously applauding and cheering crowd.

"Now, since we feel that Nayru has become 'the forgotten Goddess', we're giving Nayru her time to shine!" Kyuubi announced. "That's right, readers, the entire Fire Temple falls completely under Nayru's jurisdiction! Doesn't that sound exciting?"

"Hold up!" Din and Farore marched on stage, Farore looking outraged while Din looked more worried than anything. The green Goddess said huffily, "We haven't got any chapters! That's totally unfair!"

"You two have been mentioned more than enough," Kyuubi replied smartly.

"I don't think this is a good idea," Din bit her lip. "Remember the Lord of the Rings fiasco? I don't think they ever really recovered from what you tried to do, Nayru…"

"Relax, sisters," Nayru soothed. "I'm sure things will be different. The cast seems much more versatile, and the readers are much more responsive."

"Oh, for the love of me, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Farore wailed. "This is a disaster waiting to happen!"

"Ladies," Naruto interjected. "We've made our decision. Nayru is in charge."

Din and Farore filed off screen, grumbling incoherently. Nayru squealed delightedly and clapped her hands together.

"Now, we'll go back to your regularly scheduled chapter, courtesy of Nayru!" Naruto said, clapping. Iruka held up the 'Applause' sign and the crowd cheered.

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Naruto climbed the long way down the ladder, a gloating Kyuubi whizzing around his head.

"This Temple is going to be a breeze!" he cackled. "It was a brilliant idea to put Nayru in charge! We'll probably just be able to snap our fingers in front of the dragon's face and it'll be defeated!"

"It was definitely a good idea, dattebayo," Naruto agreed. "Maybe now it'll be as easy as the Forest Temple was…"

"Easy?" Kyuubi scoffed, before he inexplicably broke into song.

"_Consider this place a snap_

_Consider this place simply a side quest _

_This Temple should be a breeze _

_It's clear we're gonna get through with ease! _

_Consider this place half-done_

_Consider this place practically complete_

_We've gotten our way so far_

_Who cares what type of heroes we are?"_

Naruto leapt off the ladder and the two broke into a well-choreographed number, making their way into the Fire Temple merrily.

"_If it should chance to be_

_We should meet_

_Some enemies_

_Don't bother worrying_

_Why moan?_

_Thanks to our trickery_

_We will be_

_Heroically_

_Calling this Temple our own!"_

Naruto and Kyuubi stopped suddenly, the bright red neon lights being dragged off screen by stagehands and the Keese returning to their normal behaviour rather than flapping rhythmically in the background.

"What in the name of all that is holy was that?" Naruto blinked, shaking his head. "What just happened? I think I was hallucinating…"

"If I'm not mistaken, we just broke into a spontaneous but well-choreographed music number to a tune that sounded like 'Consider Yourself' from the musical 'Oliver'," Kyuubi responded, dazed.

"I imagined that, too," Naruto nodded. "I think it's hotter than we thought it was in here."

They entered the only available door. Naruto gasped and pointed.

"Ero-sennin!" he shouted across the room. "I was looking for you!"

"Naruto?" Jiraiya turned around from where he was standing in front of the boss room. "Hey, it is you! I'm glad you're here, kid!"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto waved that aside. "Hey, can you let me in that boss room? The faster I can get this over with, the better." Aside to Kyuubi, he smirked. "And with Nayru in charge, he's bound to agree. We'll have this Temple before the author can even get another time-lapse line in."

Kyuubi snickered. "We're geniuses."

"Sorry, no can do," Jiraiya shook his head.

"What?" Naruto screeched. "Why not?"

"There's no time to explain," Jiraiya said impatiently. "However, allow me to break into song about it…"

Quite suddenly, all the Gorons broke out of containment and placed themselves strategically around the room on the side platforms, and began singing to the tune of 'The Rum Tum Tugger' from the musical 'Cats'.

"_Volvagia is an evil dragon!_" They sang, forming the chorus. Jiraiya magically donned a top hat and a pair of tap shoes and slid forward on his knees before tap-dancing along with the music.

"_He can only be defeated by the magic hammer!_" Jiraiya warbled off-key.

"_He hid it somewhere in this place,_" the chorus sang.

"_And we can't do a Din-damned thing without it!_" Jiraiya tapped his heels together, breaking into a series of quite impressive dance moves. 

"_Volvagia's under Ganon's control!_" the chorus belted, swaying along with the music.

"_When you let him loose, he wait for your decree_

_When you summon him, he'll do what he wants_

_When I try to ignore him, he'll try killing me_

_If I try to hit him back, all I'll get are taunts_

_But I still gotta set my Brothers free!_" Jiraiya crooned, sliding out on one knee and throwing his arms wide apart for the finale. The Gorons, seeing that their music number was over, all grudgingly returned to their cells scattered around the Temple. Naruto and Kyuubi blinked in unison.

"…Where'd you learn to tap dance?" Was all Naruto could manage. Jiraiya beamed, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Dance class. I was the only boy in that class, kid…it made me who I am today," he said nostalgically, a trickle of blood leaking from his nose as he grinned lecherously. "Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I'll leave it to you, as my Sworn Brother, to go around the Temple freeing the other Gorons while I take care of Volvagia."

"But the Gorons just…" Naruto trailed off, looking around at the empty platforms. "Okay, where'd they go? They were singing backup not that long ago!"

"You must be imagining things," Jiraiya shrugged. "See you later, kid!" He entered the Temple. This was the last straw for Kyuubi.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" he demanded, yelling at the ceiling. "Come on! Out with it!"

A tired sigh sounded. "We told you it was a bad idea letting Nayru take control," Din said in a knowing voice.

"You should've seen the Lord of the Rings," Farore added gloomily. Both of them were cut off by the blue Goddess herself.

"Something wrong, Kyuu?" She inquired, sounding concerned.

"Yes!" Kyuubi ground out. "What's with all the song and dance?"

"I think you guys are doing great!" Nayru said cheerfully. "I just thought it would be neat to make the Fire Temple a musical! What do you two think so far?"

Kyuubi opened his mouth, but Nayru added to her question before either one of them could answer. "By the way, I _really_ want to thank you two. I always wanted my own chapter, and I didn't really think I'd get one…this really meant a lot to me."

Kyuubi promptly shut his mouth. Naruto shot the fairy a quick sidelong glance to see him shrug helplessly. "Uh, we think the musical is going great," the blonde lied. Nayru sighed blissfully.

"That's so great!" she trilled. "Well, I'll just be up here, supervising. Give me a shout if you need to talk to me about something!"

Nayru disappeared. Farore quickly muttered, "See, there's a _reason_ Nayru doesn't normally get chapters…"

"Hope you learn your lesson, boys," Din said pityingly. The Goddesses departed. Naruto quickly waved Iruka on screen.

"Iruka-sensei, I don't suppose you can the director back here?" he hissed. Iruka shook his head.

"I asked in advance, just in case," Iruka replied. "The director said, and I quote, 'You two idiots put Nayru in charge, so I'm taking a vacation. If there are consequences, then it's your own damn fault and you'll have to live it with it. What do you mean, I can't get bumped to first class? See if I fly your airlines again, you jerk-wad.' End quote."

"Do you guys always have to directly quote the director?" Kyuubi asked derisively. Iruka nodded.

"It's in our contracts."

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"Goron save count; one out of eight," Kyuubi announced. "So much for finishing before the next time-lapse line…"

"Alright, move along," Naruto said hoarsely, standing aside to let the next Goron run free. "I'm already sick of this singing thing. My throat feels sore."

"Two out of eight, twerp," Kyuubi sighed sympathetically. "Relax. Maybe Nayru was just having some fun with the first part of the chapter, and now she's going to let us coast through the rest of the Temple. No matter what, kid, we'll make it through."

"That sounded like a song-cue speech…" Naruto said suspiciously.

Kyuubi froze. "It did…didn't it?"

They began to cross over the lava, hopping across the shaky platforms over to the right side of the room. Naruto groaned.

"Damn, I can feel the song coming on…" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"I have tape!" Kyuubi announced, bringing out masking tape. "I can shut your mouth for you! That ought to put a stop to this moronic singing!"

Naruto looked at Kyuubi with sad, watery eyes. "It's too late," he said solemnly, before he began to sing to the tune of 'I, Don Quixote' from the musical 'Man of La Mancha'.

"_Hear me, Gorons and monsters_

_And dragons of sin!_

_Oro's dastardly doings are past_

_For the Fire Temple's about to begin_

_And my wimpy days are over at last!_"

"More like wimpy years, twerp," Kyuubi interjected, as Naruto planted a bomb by a false wall. It shattered, revealing a door, which the pair entered, finding another Goron to release. "That's three out of eight."

Naruto continued, "_Naruto Uzumaki,_

_The Hero of Time_

_The script gives me lines I follow_

_And the six fabled Sages_

_Will insist I keep going_

_To wherever they tell me to go!_"

As Naruto sang, he went into the next room and began climbing the wire fence. He pulled himself up and over onto the top and began to push the giant block onto the stream of fire that pushed upwards at regular intervals. Kyuubi shuddered and went to cover his mouth, but it was too late; the power of the musical got to him.

"_I'm Kyuubi! Yes, I Kyuubi!_

_I tag along with this damn dumb ass_

_I hang my head shamefully_

_I'm his fairy – no body mass!_"

The two of them hopped onto the block as it was pushed up to the ceiling, where there was conveniently a square-shaped hole. They began to sing the last few lines in unison.

"_Where the Sages tell us to go_

_Will undoubtedly bring us much woe!_"

The music faded away, and Naruto slumped against the wall. "This chapter sucks," Naruto groused.

"And it's long," Kyuubi complained. "Not to mention all these stupid musical references. Who's actually even heard these songs?"

"Somebody might have," Naruto said gloomily, picking himself up off the floor. He pushed open the door to enter the next room and his jaw dropped.

"There's no way," he said weakly. He surveyed the giant maze in front of him. "Can I skip this? Nayru?" He looked pleadingly up at the ceiling.

"No, no!" Nayru refused excitedly. "I have a good song planned out for this part! It even gets the chorus involved!"

"We have a chorus?" Kyuubi muttered.

"Of course!" Nayru said, making Kyuubi jump at being overheard. "They were in the second musical number of the chapter, remember?"

"Oh, right," Kyuubi said airily. To Naruto, he murmured, "Alright, which one was the second? That was Darunia's number, wasn't it?"

"Think so," Naruto muttered back. "I wasn't really listening to the song. I was mostly scared that my sensei was tap dancing, dattebayo."

"Anyway, you two get back to the chapter!" Nayru said sweetly. "I'll be watching you guys to make sure everything goes smoothly! Have fun!"

"Have fun, my tiny little fairy ass," Kyuubi spat. Naruto shushed him and pointed at the ceiling.

"Quiet! She's watching!" Naruto looked up at the ceiling, a terrified, paranoid expression being poorly covered up with a wan smile.

"So?" Kyuubi scowled.

"She'll figure out that we were trying to use her," Naruto hissed, rolling his eyes. "Ever heard the expression, 'Hell hath no…' something?"

"Hell hath no fury like a Goddess scorned," Kyuubi shuddered. "I know too well. Fine…I'll be…_good_." He said the last few words as though they were pure poison.

"Good," Naruto smiled. "Now I guess we have to get going…" he gulped loudly. "Wait…I have an idea!"

Kyuubi looked anxious. "Yeah? What is it?"

"What if I use the Master Sword to tear out our voice boxes?" Naruto suggested brightly, looking at the kitsune expectantly. Kyuubi gave him a flat look.

"Or not?" Naruto frowned slightly. Kyuubi nodded.

"Normally, I'd encourage bloodshed," he said in a deadpan voice, "but not when it's mine. Let's go."

Naruto took a few hesitant steps out into the maze and was promptly flattened by a large spotted boulder. On top of the tall platforms, the Gorons began to gather, humming softly. The fire slugs began to rock to the beat, their tall flames crackling and swaying with them. 'Before the Parade Passes By' from 'Hello, Dolly!' began to grow louder as the chorus got into position, and the Gorons began to march as they sang.

"_When the boulders pass by_

_Listen and hear that loud rumble growing_

_When the boulders pass by_

_Pardon me if my old fear is showing_

_I wish I had a dungeon map_

_So I could have an idea of where I'm going…_"

Naruto and Kyuubi began to sing, while the chorus hummed along with the melody.

"_When the slugs pounce_

_And the Keese attack_

_And the torches light the room_

_I'm going swing my sword_

_I'm going to draw my bow_

_I'll Hookshot any target_

_And defeat any foe_

_Once the boulders pass by!_"

As the two of them sang, the Goron and fire slug chorus slowly returned to their cages or went back to inching across platforms, respectively. The song faded away.

"Good work, you two! Nicely done, chorus!" Nayru praised.

"Kyuubi, when did I die?" Naruto asked quietly. "It just became obvious to me. I must be in hell. The fire, the singing…it all adds up."

"We must've died at the same time, twerp, because I don't remember either," Kyuubi replied gloomily. "Fourth Goron, whelp."

Naruto stepped on the switch and the cage slid open. The Goron ran out, yelling, "I'm free! Free from the nightmare at last!"

The blonde grabbed the small key in his cell miserably. "I don't know if I can take much more of this, Kyuubi," he whined. "I mean, maybe if the songs were at least parodied well, but…"

"This is just torture," Kyuubi hung his head. To himself, he muttered, "Damn, Nayru is good at this…first with the cheering, then with the singing…she has the potential to become the cruellest Goddess in Hyrule…and she doesn't even know it…"

Naruto unlocked the only available door and went through. The next room had two more doors, one blocked by bars, and a thin bridge leading to both doors. A platform with three hearts stood alone off to the side, but it was thin and it looked more risky to grab the hearts. The blonde decided to risk it, amazingly, hopping unsteadily over.

"Twerp, are you nuts?" Kyuubi gasped. "Are you aware of high up we are?"

"Who cares, I'm dead," Naruto shrugged, "and I need the hearts. I got rolled over a lot in that last room."

Kyuubi smacked his forehead. "You're not actually dead. It's an interesting theory, but you're very much alive and gravity is still working. If you fall, you'll be killed."

Naruto just barely managed to jump back, clinging to the side of the narrow bridge. He pulled himself up shakily. "Kyuubi, I understand that you're in denial right now, and all I can do is show you that you have my support," he told the red orb. "However, if you ever need to talk, you need to know that I'm always open to discussion and that I care about your problems."

"I've said it before," Kyuubi said slowly, "and I'll say it again. Stay out of my parenting books, twerp."

Naruto gave the fairy a half-shrug and pulled a small purple book called 'How To Deal with Your Dumb Child Who Wants to Be a Hero' out of his kunai holster. Kyuubi snatched it back. "Furthermore, don't try to reverse those techniques on _me_."

"Alright, Kyuubi," Naruto gave him a complacent smile. "You need to know that you have my respect and I'm willing to listen to your suggestions and complaints."

Kyuubi hit him on the head with the book. "What did I just say?"

"I don't remember," Naruto said dreamily, rubbing the lump on his head. "Was it important?"

"Shoot the eye switch, twerp," Kyuubi sighed, pointing to the silver switch on the wall. Naruto obeyed, missing the switch and hitting the door. He frowned. "I wonder how I managed to do that."

"That's not all that unbelievable," Kyuubi commented. "Now, when you used to shoot and it would hit a wall behind you – that made me wonder…"

The author quickly decided to –

"Hold on!" Nayru pouted. "I thought I was in charge of the chapter?"

The author suddenly remembered Nayru was in charge and let her do as she pleased. Nayru kindly decided to insert a time-lapse line, as the author was going to do, to spare the readers from having to read about EVERY shot Naruto made.

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"Since Nayru carried the time-lapse a bit farther than she meant to," Kyuubi gave the Goddess a strained smile, who waved sheepishly at the readers, "I'll have to recap. Eventually, the twerp did manage to hit the switch, but not after two stagehands were injured and an expensive set piece was broken. We're not sure which set piece, but we were assured it was very important and very costly, so it comes out of our pay checks to replace it." He narrowed his eyes. "If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a con."

Off screen, Tsunade began whistling innocently, tucking a stagehands' uniform under her gambling booth. "Nope, definitely not a con," she called, lowering her voice so that it was rather poorly disguised.

"Right," Kyuubi drawled. "Anyway, we went through the door and found the dungeon map, which makes for a nice change, knowing where the hell we're going. Then we went through the other door, which turned out to lead to the same room only a different part of it. We began to go across to the other side of the room when out of nowhere a wall of flame sprung up and chased us. That is why, if you'll look to the right," he pointed at a crying Naruto, "you'll see the twerp mourning the loss of his old Deku shield."

"It was a good shield!" he wailed from the corner.

"Why were you even carrying it on you?" Kyuubi asked in disbelief. "Whatever – back to the recap. The door across the room led to the maze again, but this time on top of the platforms. We freed the fifth Goron – that's three more, if you're keeping score at home – and hopped back to the room we're currently in now." He pointed at the wire floor. "As you can see, the wall of flame that I mentioned earlier hasn't been put out yet, but that doesn't affect us, since we're on top of a platform it can't get to…and yet we're STILL not going through the door. Why's that?"

"Just give me a second," Naruto sniffled. "I've lost one of my precious childhood memories, you know!"

"Your 'childhood memories' are a warp song and a skip away, twerp," Kyuubi pointed out exasperatedly. "Now can we please just keep moving? The longer we stay in here, the more musical number opportunities there are!"

Naruto looked as if he was considering it, and suddenly leapt to his feet. "I don't want to sing anymore," he said determinedly. "We'll finish this Temple soon, even if it kills us."

Kyuubi flinched. "I wish you'd chosen different words, kid."

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"I hate mazes," Naruto whined, rolling around on the floor to extinguish his clothing. "Every time I MOVE I bump into a fire wall!"

"But remember, kids, if you ever find yourself on fire…" Kyuubi sighed dully.

"Stop, drop, and roll!" Naruto said exuberantly, giving the screen a thumbs-up. "This has been your public service announcement!"

"Leave it to Nayru to bring those stupid things back," Kyuubi muttered in disgust. In a louder voice, he said to Naruto, "Look, twerp, step on the switch again, bit this time, go for the most direct path right there," he pointed at the space between the poles.

"But fire comes up when I try that way," Naruto protested.

"And I'll make it so that it won't, understand?" Kyuubi growled. "Just trust me on this, twerp." Kyuubi went near the wall of fire, making the fire appear suddenly. There was a discreet zipping noise.

"Give me a second," Kyuubi called back to Naruto. A small stream came 'out of nowhere' and began putting out the fire. Naruto recoiled.

"That disgusting!" he said loudly, and under his breath muttered, "I wish I'd thought of that…"

Another zipping noise was Naruto's cue. He stepped on the switch and the flames surrounding the platform died down, and the timer began ticking. Naruto hopped onto the platform through the now-extinguished wall of fire with plenty of time to spare.

"Honestly, the things I do for you," Kyuubi said in a long-suffering voice. Naruto rolled his eyes and tried to open the door. It wobbled and attempted to crush him, the blonde yelping and managing to dodge just in time.

"I think it's one of those doors you have to blow up," Kyuubi said helpfully, getting out his nail file and sitting on the blonde's shoulder, filing his claws. Naruto snorted.

"You think?" he said sarcastically, setting a bomb down in front of the door. He ran a bit to the side to duck and cover. The bomb went off and the door crumbled, revealing the real door behind it.

"You know, we haven't had a musical number in a while," Naruto realized with a frown. "Do you think she forgot about it?"

Kyuubi's eyes went wide and he smacked his charge angrily. "Well, now she'll add one," he said sulkily. "Nice job, twerp."

Naruto realized what he'd done and hit himself, too. He groaned when he saw the mini boss, the flare dancer, spring up from the fire. "And it's a mini boss, too. There's no escaping it…"

The second 'Hello, Dolly!' song this chapter started up, this song recognizable as 'It Takes a Woman'. Naruto began to sing in a deep bass voice.

"_It takes a hero with sword in hand_

_To purge all the evil plaguing the land_

_And it takes a hero with courage and bravery_

_To take down enemies_

_And tyrants unsavoury!_"

Naruto chucked a bomb at the flare dancer and began chasing it around, slicing at it with his sword. Kyuubi joined in the singing, unwillingly breaking into choreography of heroic actions mixed with some kind of Irish jig.

"_Yes, it takes a hero_

_A brave young hero_

_A champion, a fighter, a guy_

_Oh yes, it takes a hero_

_A valiant hero_

_To make all the bad people die!_"

Suddenly the chorus burst through the doors, and they copied Kyuubi's movements perfectly as he crooned sweetly, twirling and spinning. Naruto went back to trying to kill the flare dancer, who sent flames shooting out into convenient places, giving Kyuubi and the chorus perfect lighting.

"_And so he'll take down all anarchism_

_Three cheers for heroism!_"

Suddenly, Kyuubi brought out his pom-poms again, and they all formed a quick gymnastic pyramid, cheering loudly.

"_Rah, rah, rah! Rah, rah, rah!_

_H-E-R! O-ISM!_"

"Ha!" Naruto yelled, lashing the flare dancer a final time. The mini boss swelled and burst with a loud explosion, sending flare dancer particles everywhere.

"Ew," the chorus…well, chorused. The Gorons filed out of the room, some going back to cages, others going who-knows-where. Kyuubi hit his head against the wall.

"I hate parodies," he said, hitting his head again. "I hate musicals." Another hit. "So maybe this really is hell…"

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The intro music started up and the words 'The Uzumaki Show' scrolled across the screen. In fact, the exact same thing that happened at the beginning of the chapter happened now. The only difference was Naruto's noticeably charred appearance, and the fact that Kyuubi was jittering slightly, shakily sipping at his coffee mug.

"Welcome back to the Uzumaki show," Naruto greeted tiredly. "This chapter was brought to you by Nayru, who we'd like to thank. Nayru, everybody!"

The audience applauded as Nayru stepped out, looking confused. "Wait a minute!" she said. "I thought the entire Fire Temple was going to be mine?"

Kyuubi hastily scribbled something on a piece of paper. "No, no, no! See, look – your contract clearly states that you only get this chapter. Sorry, sweetie!"

Nayru frowned, perplexed. "I never signed any -"

"That was Nayru's chapter, everybody!" Naruto spoke loudly to be heard over her. The Goddess looked mildly upset and utterly mystified, but curtsied politely anyway. Iruka escorted her off screen.

Kyuubi sighed and slumped down in his chair. "Never again," he said weakly. Naruto nodded in agreement.

"I have a message from the director," a stagehand announced, rushing on screen. "The director said, and I quote, 'I knew it was a bad idea, you two. You morons are completely hopeless without me. I'll get back to directing again next chapter, but keep this as a reminder as to how much you appreciate me. Who are you and what are you doing in my chair. I don't care which Goddess you are, no one sits in my chair, you got that. Glad to hear it. You, you're fired for letting her sit in my chair. Wait, give me that latte and you're re-hired. You can't quit; it's not in your contract. Yes, your pain sustains me…' End quote."

Naruto groaned and dragged a hand down his face. "This has been Naruto Uzumaki…"

"And Kyuubi…" the kitsune sighed.

"We'll see you next chapter," he blonde said, depressed. The camera panned out and the music played before the screen went black.

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Yeah, okay, I apologize for that chapter. That was probably the least descriptive dungeon I've ever done. Sorry it was so bad. (Sweatdrop)

Well, next time we get the Megaton Hammer and meet Volvagia! …No, the Megaton Hammer's not a character. But Volvagia is! Any guesses, for those who haven't already guessed?


	23. Elementary, My Dear Volvagia

My disclaimer this chapter shall be done by…hmm…Akamaru! Go do the disclaimer, Akamaru!

Akamaru: (Barks a couple of times)

…Yeah, I didn't understand that! But I'm guessing you all understand that I don't own anything!

Now, I'd like to thank **Icy Sapphire15**, **alexthehomicidalmaniac**, **Alatril Carnesr**, **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, and **LariaKaiba**, who never actually reviewed me or anything (referring only to **LariaKaiba** here), but helped me get out of my slump! Of course, all of my reviewers helped me out! So, yeah, I'd LIKE to thank you…but I won't. Because I'm EVIL. Cower before me and my awe-inspiring evilness.

Yeah, I'm done. Chapter time!

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Naruto's jaw dropped and quivered dangerously as he surveyed the impossibility of a room they had entered. The switch at his feet, which he'd already tested, put out the flame around an important looking treasure chest flanked by torches. Boulders rumbled across the ground below, ruling out the possibility of getting to the chest that way, and the awkward platforms of varying heights wouldn't get him there in time. That left the only path left, a thin row of tiny steps circulating around the room, his only option.

That wouldn't have been too much of a problem, were it not for the fact that Naruto had already seen fit to look over the edge and see the plummet of death that awaited him, on the off-chance he'd slip and fall, or take a wrong step, or maybe roll on the steps to far, or…

"Twerp?" Kyuubi snapped his fingers in front of his charge's face. "Snap out of it, kid. You're getting that glazed look that tells me you're petrified."

"I can't do this," Naruto wailed, turning to his fairy with a terrified look on his face, hoping for a word of comfort.

"I need a vacation," Kyuubi massaged his temples. "For the love of Din, twerp, you've been saying you couldn't do things since chapter one, and you always end up doing them anyway. What's more, you haven't gotten yourself killed, yet. That ought to give you a bit of a confidence boost."

"But -" Naruto began to protest, but Kyuubi continued.

"Not to mention the fact that freaking out about something isn't going to make it go away. You're just building it up in your mind, making it scarier or more dangerous than it really is. You get so nervous that once you actually do it and get it over with, you nearly screw up because you're so paranoid, even though it's actually pretty simple."

"But, I can't -"

"Can't or won't, twerp?" Kyuubi was on a roll by now. "Only quitters use those words, and mama didn't raise no quitter! You're a ninja, twerp! Ninjas don't give up, and they don't go back on their words, isn't that right?"

Naruto had a new determination shining in his eyes. He pumped a fist into the air. "That's right!" he grinned. "I don't give up, I don't quit, and I don't go back on my words! 'Cause that's my way of the ninja!"

"Good," Kyuubi clapped a hand on his back. "I'll be watching from here."

As Naruto started forward, an irate female voice cleared her throat noisily. Kyuubi exhaled loudly. "Uh…hello, Farore."

"So…'For the love of Din', huh?" she snapped. "Is something wrong with _me_, Kyuu?"

"Hey, leave him alone for a bit!" Din interjected cheerfully. "It's not his fault if he likes me better than you, is it? I mean, I'm just so more likeable!"

"I used to think I was your favourite, Kyuu," Nayru joined in, sounding dispirited. "I guess I was wrong, though…you kicked me out of my chapters."

"Ladies," Kyuubi said, sounding strained, before quickly correcting himself. "Goddesses! Is this really the time…?"

"What do you want us to do, Kyuu, send our complaints in the mail?" Farore remarked sarcastically. Kyuubi's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"You would DARE mention that letter-stacking, stamp-licking…" his voice shook with rage, and he momentarily forgot who he was talking to. Out of nowhere, the postman appeared, decked out in boxing gloves and a wicked smile.

"You want to take this one outside, yah?" he sneered. Kyuubi lunged at him.

"BRING IT ON, MAIL-BOY!"

"Kyuu!" Farore chirped angrily. "I was talking to you!"

As Kyuubi, the postman, and the Goddesses…'talked', Naruto was summoning up the courage to step on the switch. Gingerly, he pressed his toe lightly on the switch. It didn't budge. "Oh well, I tried," he shrugged and went to turn around to leave.

_I don't give up, I don't quit, and I don't go back on my words_, something in his mind reminded. _That's my way of the ninja_…

He sighed helplessly. "I hate being the hero," he grumbled, jumping on the switch. The flames around the chest dissipated and the timer started. Naruto frantically ran forward, watching his feet closely with each step and throwing out his arms for balance.

"Just keep going, and hurry like hell," he chanted a mantra under his breath. "Just keep going, and hurry like hell, just keep going…"

A flaming Keese began swooping down on the blonde ninja, who shrieked and waved his arms frantically.

"Get away, get away, get away!" he yelled, blowing at it hard as if it would magically be blown off course. By some miracle, the Keese swerved involuntarily, and Naruto ran as fast as his legs could possibly carry him. He flung open the chest and grabbed whatever it was inside.

As was tradition, the 'You got an item!' music played loudly, and Naruto held up the gleaming new weapon. "The Megaton Hammer," he said shakily, eyes sparkling and wide. "It's so…_beautiful_…" he gasped in awe. "Kyuubi! Take a look at this!"

Naruto looked around. "…Kyuubi?" he said uncertainly.

The fairy was gone, as was the postman, and any traces of the Goddesses. Well, not that Naruto even ever noticed the Goddesses anyway. Besides, they didn't have corporeal forms, so it would be hard to notice when they've left. The only indication there ever was of their presence is the sky changing colours, which was not visible to the blonde, as he was inside.

…Anyway. Kyuubi was gone. Vanished, without a trace. He was nowhere to be found. Nowhere. Not anywhere. He was either completely invisible, or he was just…gone. The thought began to process in Naruto's mind.

"…Kyuubi?" he tried again. "Uh, are you there?"

Silence. Well, except the crackling of the fire, and the Keese, and the boulders.

"Kyuubi?" Naruto sounded more frantic. "_Kyuubi?_"

"Naruto," Iruka, the stagehand, rushed onstage. "Uh…this was what we found. We thought you should see it."

Naruto snatched it out of Iruka's hands before giving his sensei a sheepish look. "Sorry, Iruka-sensei."

"It's alright," Iruka smiled kindly. Naruto began to read out loud.

"Kyuubi was here, and now he's not," Naruto read. "Signed, The Kidnapper." He lowered the letter, chewing his lip thoughtfully. Iruka waited.

Naruto's eyes suddenly popped open wide. "Oh my Goddesses, Kyuubi's been kidnapped! Call the cops – call the director!"

"Actually, the director already knows about that," Iruka said with an embarrassed smile. "Uh, the director said, and I quote, 'If the light bulb goes missing, that's everyone's problem but mine.' End quote."

"But it is the director's problem!" Naruto said indignantly. "The director is supposed to make sure everyone's doing their jobs, right?"

"The director figured you'd say that," Iruka nodded, "so I was told to say, and I quote, 'Yeah, I don't care what you peons think my job is, but you're wrong. My job is to sit in my chair and drink my latte and tell you how stupid you're being. Unless you want to do my job – and trust me, you don't – quit whining and get back to doing whatever you're supposed to be doing. No, not you, you're job is to get me another latte. No, that one was directed at you. Latte, now, or you'll be scraping the gunk off the floor in the bathroom stalls for the rest of this parody.' End quote."

Naruto blinked. "…Oh."

Iruka looked sympathetic. "I'd try to help you find him, but I'm needed off screen. Good luck, Naruto."

Naruto sighed, looking around suspiciously. "I'll find you Kyuubi," he said. "I promise…and I don't go back on my word! That's my way of the ninja!"

"And that's the third or fourth time that's been mentioned!" Jiraiya called from off screen. "Get a move on, kid!"

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Everything on screen was black-and-white, the steam coming off lava forming a nice, misty fog, the perfect set up for a mystery. Naruto adjusted his tweed Sherlock Holmes' hat and removed his Ocarina from his mouth after playing the Song of Time, replacing it with a fake pipe.

Naruto jumped across the Time Block and onto the switch on the other side, opening the Goron's cage below.

"Hm," Naruto looked thoughtful. "You there, sir!"

The Goron looked up, delighted at being set free. "Yeah?" he called.

"You are, in fact, a Goron," Naruto said, stroking his chin in thought and looking considering. "Isn't that right?"

The Goron gave him a very strange look, but nodded. "Yes, that's right," he answered.

"Aha! Then this must be a clue!" Naruto jumped down from above, startling the Goron. The blonde began pacing, making strange movements with his hands. "Let's see…a Goron…Goron's special crop, bombs…bombs, they're inventions, of course! Inventions are made by…geniuses…geniuses have a lot of knowledge…knowledge, like wisdom…and the Goddess of Wisdom, Nayru!" he held up a finger. "Of course!"

"Uh…of course, what?" The Goron inquired, confused.

"She was bitter about having us take away what she felt was rightfully hers; the Fire Temple chapters," Naruto explained. "Using the cunning only a Goddess of Wisdom could have, she must have waited for the opportune moment…and kidnapped Kyuubi!" he declared, punching his fist. "Yes! Mystery solved!"

"…Say, are you Naruto?" the Goron asked suddenly. The blonde blinked.

"Yeah, I am," he replied.

"Good to meet you then!" the Goron shook his hand. "I'm glad you found me and let me out, because I was ordered by the director to accompany you through the rest of the chapter until you find Kyuubi."

"…I'm guessing in less words," Naruto nodded. "Well, that won't be necessary, uh…"

"Watts."

"That's nice of you to offer, Watts, but I think I just figured out who kidnapped Kyuubi, so you don't need to bother," he gave Watts the Goron a sunny smile. "Now, I have to go deal with Nayru!"

He marched out of the room, Watts trailing behind him. "Nayru! We have to talk!" Naruto spat angrily. Within seconds, Nayru's sweet voice echoed mysteriously throughout the maze-like room.

"Yes?" she asked politely. "Did you call me?"

"Don't 'Did you call me' _ME!_" Naruto said, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed. "Give Kyuubi back, right now!"

"Kyuu? Why, is he missing?" Nayru inquired.

"Don't 'Is he missing' _ME!_" Naruto shouted. "All the clues point in one direction, Nayru! And that's _your_ direction, missy!"

"Really? What clues?" Nayru asked, now sounding quite upset.

"Don't 'what clues' _M_…oh, I suppose that's a reasonable question," Naruto murmured. "I found the Goron you planted in that cage back there! If you thought that was the subtle approach, you thought wrong! I had you figured out in an instant!"

"Naruto," she said gently. "I didn't take Kyuu away. The Gorons are scattered throughout the Temple, as you may well know, having set more than half of them free. Besides, I somehow doubt that the Goddess of Wisdom could be figured out by a silly blonde boy – no offence meant."

"None taken," Naruto frowned and wondered what he was supposed to have taken offence to.

"I'm sorry, Naruto," Nayru said, honestly sounding apologetic. "If I find anything, I'll let you know."

"Thanks," he said, forlorn. He turned to Watts. "I guess you can tag along if you want 'til I find him," he muttered, looking down at the floor as he pushed his toe into the dirt.

"Thanks," Watts grinned. "So, where are we going now?"

"Well, with they key I obtained back in your cage," he held up the silver key, "we shall return to the first room of the Fire Temple."

"Okay," Watts agreed complacently and proceeded to walk into a wall of fire. Naruto smacked his forehead.

"I'm used to being the dumber one," he muttered hopelessly. Then he frowned suddenly. "Hey, I take that back, Nayru! I take that remark VERY offensively!"

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Watts gaped in awe as Naruto brought out the Megaton Hammer. "Wow…you actually found the Legendary Hammer…" he said dreamily, eyes wide and sparkling. "Can I touch it?"

"No," Naruto wrenched it out of the Goron's grasp. "MY Hammer. All MINE."

Watts pouted (which was very strange in itself – can you picture a Goron pouting? It's kind of weird) and Naruto went about smashing the statue in front of the door to bits. He entered the room, accidentally smacking Watts in the face with the door.

"Oops…sorry, Watts, didn't mean to – EEEK!" He screeched suddenly and ducked behind his shield. "The floor tiles are ALIVE!"

Watts mimicked Naruto and ducked behind him. The blonde tried to give him a dirty look, but was occupied by the floor tiles whizzing ominously towards his head.

When the only alive ones had all been smashed to bits, courtesy of Naruto's shield combined with his cowardice, he tentatively peeked out at the rest of the room over the top. "I think the floor tiles are all gone," he said cautiously. "All that's left is a big oozing square monster and a gold Skulltula."

"I think the oozing square monster is a Like-Like," Watts informed him. "They try to suck you up and take your clothes."

Naruto's eyes went wide and he paled. "Another molester monster?" he stammered, breaking into a cold sweat. "Do I _have_ to kill it? Can't we just…I don't know, ignore it until it feels so embarrassed it goes away?"

"I don't think that would work," the Goron said, obviously contemplating the idea. "I think if we just stand still, that would make it's job easier."

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut. "Why is it always me?" he whined, holding out his sword as if hoping the Like-Like would considerately run into it and kill itself.

"Animal magnetism?" Watts guessed. Naruto gave him a look.

"That was a rhet…rhetor…that wasn't a question that I meant to be answered," he said, flustered. "I wonder if arrows work on it…"

It seemed as though they had waiting too long, because the slow moving Like-Like was less than a foot away from the blonde. It began sucking in and bending it's body, trying to scoop Naruto into it's…well, hole, for lack of a better or less disgusting word.

Naruto screamed girlishly and waved his sword around frantically, inadvertently slashing the Like-Like into ribbons. His eyes closed, Naruto had yet to figure out that the enemy was dead.

After a short while of this, it occurred to Watts to stop him. He grabbed his wrist, holding it in place. This got Naruto's attention.

"You killed it," Watts said brightly, pointing at the remains of the Like-Like. "I was trying to get you to stop swinging your sword."

Naruto blinked. "Shouldn't you have grabbed my other wrist then?" he held up the arm that Watts had grabbed, and then waved the other arm with sword in hand around to show him.

"Oh," Watts blinked dumbly. "Should I have?"

"Never mind," Naruto sighed. "Now, that Skulltula…wait!" he said, realization dawning on his features. "This Skulltula must be a clue!"

"It is?" Watts asked excitedly. Naruto began pacing.

"Let's see…Skulltulas…there were a lot of them in the first dungeon I ever did, the Deku Tree…the Deku Tree was infested with spiders…spiders eat other bugs, like caterpillars…caterpillars eat leaves…leaves grow on plants, and plants need sun, water and oxygen to grow! Oxygen is in the air…air, like wind…like Farore's Wind, the spell I got seven years ago from a Great Fairy!" he gasped, taking out the green crystal. "That's it! Farore!"

"You rang?" the green Goddess said sarcastically.

"Alright, the jig is up!" Naruto hollered. "Kyuubi's been kidnapped, and I know you're the one that took him! Now give him back!"

"What?" Farore sounded genuinely surprised. "Kyuu's been kidnapped?"

"Like you didn't know," Naruto retorted. "Yes…if you'll allow me to quickly reference the script; this chapter, page two, paragraphs five to fourteen! You and Kyuubi were having a bit of an argument, were you not?"

Farore hesitated. "Uh…were we? I tend to have a short temper, but I forget pretty quickly."

"Oh please," Naruto rolled his eyes. "You are notorious for being the most wrathful of the Goddesses. What better way to extract your revenge by kidnapping Kyuubi?"

"You think I would take Kyuu out of the parody? And for _punishment?_" she sounded quite disbelieving. Naruto fell silent.

"Oh…well, when you put it like that…" he said quietly.

"Besides, I already took out some of my anger on a couple of saps in Termina," Farore cackled. "Stupid Forest kid won't be going anywhere soon…"

"Then that's another one of my leads gone," Naruto sighed, but suddenly remembered the last Goddess. "What about you, Din? Any proof that you didn't kidnap Kyuubi?"

"What?" Din cried indignantly. "That's not fair, there's no clues against me yet!"

"So?" Naruto shrugged. "I wouldn't put it past you to kidnap Kyuubi. You obviously have some kind of crush on him, and you're the type of Goddess who would do it for fun, anyway!"

Din squawked in disbelief. "I _do not_ have a crush on Kyuu!" she screeched. "How dare even insinuate that!"

Naruto snorted. "Whatever," he said, humouring the red Goddess obviously.

"Besides, I've been busy plotting some gimmicks for the future," she sniffed. "Our contest is still on, you know, Farore!"

"If I could add something," Nayru interjected. "I don't think any of us kidnapped Kyuubi -"

"Oh, sure, stand up for your sisters," Naruto said, raising a sceptical eyebrow. "You have something to say, let's hear it. This ought to be good."

"Well, none of us have actual forms, so it would be pretty hard for us to kidnap Kyuubi," Nayru said reasonably. Naruto looked blank.

"…You're all free to go," he said disappointedly. "_For now,_ that is."

The Goddesses' presence disappeared. Naruto sighed.

"They have a pretty good argument, but none of them have airtight alibis," Naruto said, looking frustrated. "I don't think we should take them off the list of suspects yet."

"We have a list?" Watts asked innocently. Naruto rolled his eyes and hit him upside the head.

"Wow," he blinked. "I finally understand why Kyuubi always does that to me. Come on, Watts."

He collected the gold Skulltula token and went on to the next room. Watts looked up at the Flare dancer curiously.

"I've never seen an enemy like that," he marvelled. Naruto pushed him into a corner.

"Stay here," he ordered. "Don't move until I kill him. But you're allowed to blink. And breathe," he added hastily, heading off the Goron before he could ask. The Flare dancer laughed and twirled, flames gathering in his hands.

"I think this is the same one from before," Naruto said to himself. "WAIT! Everyone, freeze!"

Watts actually did stop breathing and the Flare dancer froze on the spot in mid-spin. Naruto began pacing.

"Hmm…if you are the same Flare dancer, it means you have a vengeance," he mused. "Vengeance…like Kyuubi and the postman!"

Watts blinked. "That's it? That all you needed to make that connection?"

"Yeah!" Naruto said enthusiastically. "Why? What do you mean by that?"

Watts shook his head. "Nothing."

The postman, having heard his name, appeared on the screen. "What do you want, yah?" he said grumpily. "I have letters to deliver, yah!"

"Then I'll get straight to the point, then," Naruto began. "You see, Kyuubi has been kidnapped."

"Big loss," the postman snorted. "That damn kitsune's always givin' me a hard time, yah!"

"Which is exactly why I think you did it!" Naruto pointed at him accusingly. "You must have done it, because you're the only person left that I can think of."

"Why would _I_ want to spend more time with that damn kitsune, yah?" he snorted. "Besides, I'm busy delivering mail, yah."

Naruto seemed to struggle with himself, looking for another argument, but finding none. "Fine, you can go," he sighed.

The postman trudged off, and Naruto turned back to the Flare dancer. "Alright, sorry about that," he apologized. "We can fight now."

"Uh, I think he's frozen," Watts tapped on the Flare dancer a couple of times. The Flare dancer had indeed 'frozen' for so long that he had literally frozen.

"Oh well," Naruto shrugged. "That makes my job easier. Come on."

The two of them went through the door into the next dark hallway. Naruto brightened and began running.

"I think this is the last Goron I need to save!" he said excitedly. "Come on!"

"But you didn't actually save eight Gorons," Watts frowned, but complied, breaking into a very strange sort of gallop. Naruto hopped onto the switch and released the Goron inside.

"Watts," he greeted, walking free.

"Marv," Watts inclined his head in greeting. Naruto ignored them both, pushing past them and throwing open the decorative chest and grabbing the Golden, ruby-encrusted Boss key.

"Okay, let's go!" Naruto grabbed a Goron's arm and pulled. "The sooner we get to the boss room, the sooner I can get Kyuubi back!"

The Goron gave him a strange look, and the other Goron piped up, "I'm Watts. That's Marv."

Naruto rolled his eyes and grabbed the other Goron, dragging him down the hall. "You all look the same…" he rolled his eyes.

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Watts had refused to enter the boss room, being deathly afraid of Volvagia. If anything, Naruto had been relieved at this, and ditched him unceremoniously. He hopped across the platforms into the large central platforms, dodging the tiny pits of lava warily. He waved at the figure standing in the middle of the platform.

"Hey, Gaara," he greeted. The sand ninja nodded once. "What are you doing here? Are you Volvagia?"

"Not quite," Gaara said, voice monotone. "Our budget wasn't big enough to get someone to be a giant lava dragon." As he spoke, he brought his sand gourd forward, hauling it off his back with no difficulty. "I'm supposed to make one out of sand."

"Oh," Naruto nodded. "Wait…you're awfully fond of your sand, aren't you, Gaara?"

Gaara made a movement that imitated raising an eyebrow, only since he didn't have eyebrows it looked quite odd and a bit creepy. "Yes."

"I see," Naruto began pacing. "So, if I take that into account, it's quite obvious that YOU must have kidnapped Kyuubi!"

"Really," Gaara said flatly. He looked completely uninterested.

"You have the most motives of any of my suspects," he pointed accusingly. "You might've been jealous of Kyuubi, because he's cooler than that Shukaku thing. Or you might've kidnapped him to sidetrack me, or prevent me from getting through the Fire Temple! Everyone thinks I'm practically hopeless without Kyuubi to lead me around!"

"Because that's obviously not true," Gaara said, the slightest bite of sarcasm in his dull voice.

"Also, without Kyuubi, I don't have the Z-Targeting system," Naruto said, his eyes widening as he just realized that himself. "Crap…anyway, without the Z-Targeting system, my aim is bad, through _no fault of my own_. Those are all possible motives for kidnapping him, so admit it!"

"There's a problem with your brilliantly thought out theory," Gaara pointed out. "I don't really care."

"Well, who else could have done it?" Naruto demanded. "The Goddesses and the postman – even though their excuses were questionable – are a lot less likely to have done it, and that leaves you! I mean, it's not like he has any fangirls to kidnap him," he snorted.

"As riveting as I find this, I'd like to get this boss battle over with," Gaara said, something long and intimidating rising slowly out of one of the lava pits, which under closer inspection turned out to be pits of sand. Things get obscured when the screen is in old-fashioned black and white.

'Subterranean Lava Dragon; Volvagia' flashed across the screen as the sand-Volvagia rose up into the air, screeching loudly. Naruto managed to glimpse it's rock-solid skull made of compacted sand before it dived into another pit.

"Damn," he gulped, drawing his Megaton Hammer. Gaara simply stood in the middle, watching the blonde scramble around with little interest.

"If you want my advice," he said, sounding bored, "just think of this as a huge game of whack-a-mole."

Naruto gave him a strange look. "You _know_ what whack-a-mole is?"

Sand-Volvagia popped it's head out of a hole before Gaara could respond. Naruto scrambled over and brought the Hammer smashing down on the dragon's head. Volvagia threw his head back and wilted. Naruto brought out the Master Sword and slashed at Volvagia's neck.

Volvagia shrieked inhumanly and retreated into the hole. Across the room, he emerged out of another pit, winding through the air. Naruto ducked and screamed, before coughing to cover it, looking covertly at Gaara through his peripheral vision. He drew his bow and began shooting randomly. Volvagia screeched again as two of the arrows struck his underside, diving again.

Naruto blinked in amazement. "I hit him," he said, sounding uncertain.

"Yes," Gaara nodded. "You also wasted an entire quiver of arrows."

"I hit something, and that's what counts," Naruto protested, putting his hands on his hips indignantly. Volvagia emerged from a nearby pit, swinging his head around.

It took Naruto a few seconds to notice before he brought out the Megaton Hammer and let it crash against Volvagia's head. Volvagia flew out of the pit again, and this time giant flaming chunks of sand came pelting down at the blonde from nowhere. Naruto yelped and rolled out of the way. He looked at Gaara accusingly.

"What's the big idea?" he demanded. Gaara shrugged.

"Just doing my job," he said carelessly, bringing down even more sand boulders. Naruto didn't have time to protest before three more rocks nearly hit him, and he had to dodge again. Volvagia dived into another hole, and the boulders ceased.

Naruto brought out his Hammer and began swinging it wildly like a club. "Alright, bring it on!" he shouted, and Volvagia sprung up from the hole right next to him, sending the blonde flying backwards, nearly into a different pit. Instantly Naruto scrambled back to his feet, bringing the Hammer down on Volvagia's head. He swiped at him, crushing the grains of sand into dust. Volvagia shrieked and flew upwards again, and Naruto stepped back, staring. Gaara looked at the sand creature with wide, dark-rimmed eyes.

Volvagia collided with a flaming sand boulder in midair, nearly striking him down. The sand itself seemed to catch fire, and Volvagia began burning away into nothing, it's rock-hard skull falling by Naruto's feet and leaving a Heart Container behind. A portal appeared where Gaara stood.

"I didn't honestly expect to win," he shrugged. "After all, this game wouldn't be as popular as it is if your journey ended with the Fire Temple."

"It's all for the fans," Naruto nodded, remembering what Kyuubi once told him. Gaara disappeared.

"So, I guess it really wasn't Gaara," Naruto mused, taking off his Sherlock Holmes' hat. Colour began to bleed into the screen, turning the room fiery red and the portal bright blue. "Who could've taken Kyuubi…?"

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DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Was it the Goddesses? The postman? Was it actually Gaara, even though he never really cared in the first place and likely won't be appearing again for a _long_ time? Who knows?

Oh yeah, I do!

Next chapter brings the Chamber of the Sages (again), the ice cavern, and everyone's favourite side quest – THE BIGGORON SWORD! The suspense is killing me!

(Cue dramatic, soap opera-esque music)


	24. O Kyuubi, Wherefore Art Thou?

My disclaimer for this chapter shall be done by none other than Sasuke Uchiha, Princess of Hyrule! Let's give her a round of applause!

Sasuke: (off screen) 'Her'? HER? Did you hear that? That bitch called my a '_her_'! I refuse to go out there!

Kakashi: (off screen) Just do the disclaimer.

Sasuke: (is pushed on screen, nearly tripping over his dress) I hate you all. (Stalks off without doing the disclaimer)

…Princess Sasuke, everybody! (Cough) So, uh…anyway, my thanks! **Master of Anime**, for a well-thought out deduction and being a faithful reviewer! **BlooDy-MaY**, for accusing ME of kidnapping him! And **AngelWing1138**, **MasterJediLink**, and **Invader-Nehima**, for guessing the closest! …Who actually reads the author's notes anyway? Just a question…

Onwards, to the chapter! On, on!

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Naruto appeared in the Chamber of the Sages, looking troubled with his head hanging. Jiraiya stared at him blankly, arms crossed.

"What took you, kid?" he demanded. Naruto lifted his head, making Jiraiya take a startled step back. Naruto's eyes were puffy and watery, his nose was running, and his face was flushed miserably. "Uh…is something wrong?"

"The author has betrayed us!" he wailed before throwing himself down, beating his fists against the Triforce platform. Jiraiya shuffled his feet anxiously, looking extremely uncomfortable.

"Uh, there, there?" he said uncertainly. "Uh…how did the author betray you?"

Naruto sat up, sniffling, his bangs almost falling over his bright blue eyes. "At the end of every chapter, the gimmick comes to an end," he said, voice dejected and low. "Everything goes back to the way it was, right? That's the only thing we've ever counted on in this parody. But now…" he let out a choked sob, "Kyuubi's still missing!"

Jiraiya looked mildly sympathetic. "Tough break."

Naruto hugged his knees to his chest. "I hate this parody," he said angrily. "I hate the author, too. I miss Kyuubi."

As the readers were about to let out a sympathetic 'Aww,' Naruto continued under his breath, "I miss the Z-Targeting system…I miss his Guidebook…there's no way I'll be able to get through the rest of the parody without him…"

Jiraiya reached over and patted the blonde on the back soothingly. "Will you feel better if I give you this pretty red Medallion imbued with my power?"

"Im-what?" Naruto furrowed his brow.

"Just take the Medallion so I can get the hell out of this parody," Jiraiya sighed. Naruto tucked it away with his other Medallions.

"Alright, kid, now get a grip on yourself," Jiraiya pulled him up to his feet. "Pull yourself together. You'll find your fairy eventually."

Naruto brightened a bit. "You think so?"

"Of course," Jiraiya chuckled nervously. From the corner of his mouth, he muttered to a stagehand, "Message for the author; you better not make me a liar, or I quit."

"The author anticipated you saying that," the stagehand nodded. Jiraiya frowned.

"She did?"

"She wrote the script," the stagehand gave him a look. "Anyway, she says, and I quote, 'I really don't care at this point. This is your last scene until the big finale, and I can find a replacement for you by then.' End quote."

"I thought you only had to directly quote the director," Jiraiya blinked.

"Sub-clause thirty-two in our contract," the stagehand replied automatically. "By the way, the scene ended a little while back, if you're interested."

Jiraiya looked around to find that Naruto was, in fact, gone. "Oh well. I still have enough travel time – my son's masseuse is due in a couple of minutes…" a trickle of blood oozed down from his nose as he grinned in anticipation, rushing off screen towards Konohamaru's trailer. The stagehand looked blankly at the screen before walking off.

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Naruto exited Kakariko village, having just visited the Great Fairy inside Death Mountain and receiving double magic. Although he'd never admit it, the visit saddened him a little; Kyuubi always did enjoy seeing the Great Fairy. He frowned. Oh right…maybe he didn't miss Kyuubi _that_ much. While thoughts flew around his head, the colours began flashing through the sky rapidly.

"Hey! You're Kyuu's brat!" Din blurted out. "We need to talk to you!"

"We have terrible news," Nayru said worriedly, voice shaking slightly.

"We've been looking into this kidnapping thing," Farore said, talking over her sisters, who continued to fret in the background. "The thing is, we can't find him. Anywhere. We've searched all across Hyrule, and then we tried searching Termina…"

"If he's just not there, then that can't be good, can it?" Naruto asked quietly. Din and Nayru quieted, and Farore wailed.

"We're freaking Goddesses, for the love of me! We're omnipresent, omnipotent! We're OMNI!" she shrieked in frustration. "The only explanation would be…"

"No!" Din cut her off. "We'll keep looking, kid! Don't you worry, 'kay? Just keep doing your little hero business and leave this to us."

Naruto looked crestfallen, but something inside tore at him with suspicion. "I think I'll keep looking anyway," he said, trying to sound casual. "Thanks for helping to keep up the search, though."

The sky returned to normal, and Naruto's eyes narrowed, his brow furrowing as his hand came up to stroke his chin. He began pacing, as per usual as of late. "This could mean a few things," he mused to himself. "Either one of the Goddesses really does have him, or Kyuubi's really…" he trailed off with a gulp. "I don't believe that, though…I _won't_ believe it…he was well armed, he can protect himself…" he bit his lip.

"Maybe the Goddesses are in this together," he mused, still pacing, but now going in one specific direction. "But what if they're telling the truth?"

He stopped pacing, hitting his head repeatedly, hoping it would somehow make him think better. He looked up with lost eyes at the Kokiri Forest entrance.

"I might as well," he shrugged helplessly, entering the dark hollow log. "I need to get to Zora's Domain now anyway…"

The forest was still and dark, night having fallen some time ago when he was inside. He climbed the thick ivy, making his way to the Lost Woods entrance. Saria's song reached his ears, the tinny, ongoing melody stinging his ears as he entered.

"I really miss Kyuubi," Naruto sighed. "He had all the maps."

He quickly chose an entrance using his ninja cunning (eenie-meenie-miney-mo) and went through a log. Saria's song continued faintly, an indication he'd chosen the wrong path. Nonetheless, Naruto went forward, startled.

"Zabuza?" he said tentatively, poking him with a stick on the side of his bandaged face. "Uh…Zabuza?" He poked him again. When he received no response, he whacked him lightly on the head. "Are you asleep?"

Off screen, Haku was sipping a one of the director's rejected mocha lattes (someone should drink them, he reasoned) with the security team when he caught sight of what Naruto was doing. He spat it out abruptly. "What does he think he's doing?" he sputtered. Genma fiddled nervously with his toothpick.

"Uh…ignore him," he said, trying to block the events on screen. "I'm sure it's all scripted."

"To hell with the script," Haku growled, cracking his knuckles. Raidou went to hold him back, but withdrew quickly when Haku gave him a cold look.

"Just calm down," Raidou pleaded. "Don't make me get Kakashi!"

Haku closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'll make sure the right people hear about this," he said threateningly. "I'll be in my trailer."

"But…you're on later this chapter," Genma pointed out weakly. Haku conceded the point, sitting down huffily and crossing his arms, staring daggers at the blonde on screen.

Meanwhile, it had finally occurred to Naruto to take out Cojiro, the blue chicken Yashamaru had given him back in Kakariko village after waking up Shikamaru. Zabuza jerked awake, muttering darkly.

"W-What the…?" he groaned and rubbed his head. "Feels like I've been to hell and brought back for the sake of some stupid parody…"

"That's an odd coincidence," Naruto said, putting the chicken on the ground. "So, who are you supposed to be?"

"I don't know," Zabuza sounded pained. "But I think…I think I'm not okay. Hey…I tried to kill you once, didn't I?"

"Yes," Naruto answered flatly.

"Great, so we're acquainted," Zabuza nodded to himself. "In that case, get this to the old hag in the Potions shop…she's in Kakariko village. Thing is, you only have about three minutes, real time, before you inexplicably have to start over and you'll be brought back here. Oh, and if you use a warp song, the time runs out and you lose."

"For someone who didn't even know you were in a parody, you have a lot of rules," Naruto noted dryly.

"Don't blame me, I didn't set 'em," Zabuza scowled. "Now take this damn mushroom and go."

"Maybe I don't want -" Naruto began hotly.

"Ready, set, go!" Zabuza tossed the mushroom at the blonde, who yelped and fumbled to catch it. He began running at top speed once he had a good grip. Zabuza smirked weakly.

"Well, at least I got a quick cameo…" he sighed, closing his eyes peacefully.

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Naruto hopped on Gamabunta's back in mid-stride. "I don't even have time for this!" he whined to the frog-horse. "I'm supposed to be searching for Kyuubi!"

Gamabunta croaked-slash-whinnied, likely indicating that he didn't care and that he wanted to kill someone for stripping away his dignity.

"You're right," Naruto panted. "All I can do for now is trust the Goddesses. But…they did say they couldn't find him…" his eyes lowered. "Kyuubi can't…I mean, he wouldn't. He has a nine billion dollar contract waiting for him, after all…and knowing him, he'll always be greedy enough to put that first."

He positioned himself to spring from Gamabunta's back as he hopped across the bridge to Kakariko. "Alright, start slowing down," he instructed. When he got closer, Naruto pushed off his side, making Gamabunta croak angrily, and landed with a rather graceful roll. He took off running a second after he hit the ground.

He made it to the Potion shop with thirty seconds to spare, throwing open the door wide and breathing heavily. He dragged himself over to the counter, pulling himself with his arms, holding up the mushroom.

"I…have…this…need…medicine…" Naruto wheezed, slouching against the counter, wiping sweat from his brow. "Thank Nayru it wasn't being timed in game time…"

Koharu Utatane, the Fire Country elder, poked her head out over the side, pausing as she stroked a small cat nestled on the countertop. "That idiot! I warned him not to enter the Lost Woods!" she said bitterly, snatching the mushroom. "I'll make his medicine, alright, but you be sure to tell him from me that there's no cure for foolishness!"

"I meant…medicine for me…" Naruto murmured, still trying to catch his breath. "Will this take long? I'm supposed to be looking for a friend of mine."

"A friend of yours?" she squinted at him and held her fingers roughly an inch apart. "About this big? Glowing little guy with beetle wings?"

"Yes!" Naruto sprang to his feet. "Why? Have you seen him?"

"Of course, dear," she chuckled. "Last I saw him was about…oh, six or seven years ago. He was with a little boy, chasing Cuccos around. That boy was no Cucco-wrangler, let me tell you…"

"I did alright," Naruto said in an injured tone.

"Anyway, give me a moment and I'll fix up this medicine for that fool in the forest," she turned her back on him, the screen darkening so Naruto couldn't see what she was doing.

The lighting went back up, and she practically shoved a small parcel into his hands, grinning idiotically and weaving slightly.

"Man, that was a good stash," she said tipsily. "Tell him congrat…cong…tell him he got a good harvest this time."

Naruto took the parcel, eyeing her carefully. "Sure," he said slowly. "Thanks…"

Koharu fell across the counter, giggling slightly and staring at her hands in fascination. Naruto bolted.

"Thank Din this one doesn't have a time limit," he sighed. He began to take off running again before he blinked and took out his Ocarina. "Oh yeah…I forgot this thing was supposed to be useful…"

He whizzed off in a flash of green light, the Minuet of the Forest fading away.

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Naruto entered the small clearing of the Lost Woods, rummaging through his pouch for the medicine. "Hey, Zabuza, I have…" he trailed off, frowning. "Aren't you Konohamaru's friend? What are you doing here?"

Moegi, dressed in green with puppet strings attached to her wrists, ankles, arms, legs, and head, stood where Zabuza once lay, looking up at Naruto with wide eyes.

"He's not here anymore," she said in a soft, creepy tone that you only ever hear in horror movies. "Everyone who comes here becomes a Stalfos. All, Stalfos. So, he's not here anymore…" she giggled softly, letting it echo in a sinister way off the walls. Naruto shuddered involuntarily.

Moegi blinked her large eyes and withdrew a saw from behind her back, making the blonde ninja shriek in absolute terror. "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, LITTLE CRAZY KOKIRI GIRL!" he scrambled backwards. "Kankuro! Call her off, for the love of Din, Nayru, and Farore! CALL HER OFF!"

Moegi gave him a strange look. "He left this saw behind."

Naruto breathed hard, but laughed shakily. "Oh…I see…sorry to have freaked out…" his chuckles weakened and he gave her a wary stare.

"That medicine was made from our forest mushrooms," Moegi observed, before narrowing her eyes, which glowed red. In a low, demonic voice, she bellowed, "GIVE IT BACK, PEON!"

Naruto squeaked and pushed it towards her. She grabbed it, dropping the saw as she did so. She looked at Naruto wonderingly. "I wonder if you too…" she began giggling again. "All, Stalfos…all, Stalfos…"

Naruto ran as fast as he could.

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"Somehow, I always manage to get myself caught up in side quests," Naruto said, disgusted with himself. Gamabunta whinnied in agreement, hopping his way into Gerudo Valley. "That's one of the reasons why I need Kyuubi back…he always tried to stop me from doing these stupid side quests. It never works, but I'd feel better."

When no one said anything to that, Naruto continued. "I mean, she was scarier than _Gai!_"

Still nothing. Naruto sighed. "It's also hard to talk to yourself. Crazy people really deserve some credit to be able to do it so often."

Gamabunta made the impressive jump across the bridgeless gap in Gerudo Valley. It went unnoticed. Gamabunta snorted with irritation. He was so incredibly under-appreciated.

Kiba was lounging in front of a tent, looking distressed. Naruto hopped off his 'horse' and landed in front of the dog-boy. "Hey, Kiba," he greeted gloomily.

"Hey," he replied, tone identical to the blonde's.

"Seen a fairy, kind of red-orange, probably yelling about postmen and sporks?" Naruto inquired.

"Nope," Kiba shook his head. "Seen about four dogs with carpenter tools, probably being escorted around by female thieves?"

"No," Naruto sighed. "Is this your carpenter saw?"

"Yeah," Kiba took the saw. "Want this useless broken Goron sword?"

"Sure," Naruto accepted it. "See you."

"Bye," Kiba went back to sulking over the loss of his carpenter dogs.

Off screen, Iruka sighed. "Well, that was a fascinating conversation."

Genma frowned in concern. "Without Kyuubi, this parody is going straight to the dogs."

On screen, Kiba burst into tears. Naruto took no notice, hopping back on Gamabunta's back and riding off, his new destination being Death Mountain.

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"I HATE THIS PARODY!" Naruto declared, yelling pointlessly as he climbed Death Mountain's trail, leaning against a Deku stick. He wilted miserably, sighing. "I'm already sick of this, and we're only about halfway through the chapter…"

The Deku stick clattered to the ground as he used both hands to slide his hat back a bit. "As it is, I'm supposed to be at Zora's Domain right now…"

He drew out his Hookshot and struggled to get the wall Skulltula within his aim. He pulled the trigger, missing it by roughly half a foot. He sighed in frustration.

"It's been Din-knows-how-long, you'd think my aim would've improved by now," he muttered irritably. He missed the Skulltula by a hair's breadth, and luckily the monster had the courtesy to let go of the wall and die. Naruto began climbing, reaching for the next platform to get the next Skulltula into range.

"It all goes back to what I said," he mused. "The author really has betrayed us. She's turned her back on us, and what this parody was…I mean sure, it used to be pretty bad, with all the cheap jokes and cheap shots and cheap sets…but it had _structure_. Once you defile the structure, you can't fix it again…"

Naruto snapped out of his soliloquy and looked up. "Hi, Hinata's dad."

Hiashi Hyuuga, roughly fifty times his regular size, sat up, continuously rubbing his eyes. "What do you want?" he asked, annoyed. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait. I'm in no state to do any crafting right now."

"But I have this broken stump of a sword," Naruto protested, holding up the broken Goron's sword. "I need you to fix it!"

"Well, you'll have to wait," Hiashi sniffed. "I can't see at the moment, so I can't very well craft anything."

Naruto paused. "…You can't see. Well, that's just great, not to mention ironically convenient. Anything I can do?" Even as he said the words, he slumped over.

"Yes, actually," Hiashi replied. "I have this prescription for eye drops. I need you to take it to King Zora for me, rather than have a pharmacist deal with it or something logical like that."

"Sure thing," Naruto accepted the prescription, taking a quick glance at it. "Out of curiosity, what kind of eye drops are made from frogs? Seriously?"

"Just get going," Hiashi said impatiently.

"You can't be impatient with me! I'm the hero!" Naruto protested, but was already on his way. He muttered under his breath, "If the Frog Boss gets traumatized by this, these people will be hearing from my lawyers…" he paused. "That's right, Kyuubi was my lawyer."

He stalked off, visibly depressed again.

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Naruto waved a hand in front of Chouji's frozen features. "Hey, Chouji…" he said in singsong. "Time to wake up…" he frowned. "You know, I don't think ice should be moving like that. I don't think it should be red, though, either."

All of Zora's domain was frozen solid. After the initial ten minutes of being entertained by sliding across the ice and making faces at the Zora's trapped beneath it, the novelty had worn off and the blonde had gone to find the King of the Zoras, Chouji. Truthfully, Naruto was mostly thankful that Chouji had frozen into position, lest he try to move again.

At last, he gave up his attempt to wake Chouji. "Whatever. I'll be visiting Manda is you need me," he said to block of red ice. Chouji remained frozen. Naruto simply shrugged and took off down the path, frowning when his boots made tiny splashes. "Maybe it's not completely frozen…"

He was knee-deep in water before he even reached the giant fish deity, but when he looked around Naruto froze. Then he considered the irony of him freezing, but shrugged it off, opting instead to stare in abject horror at the sight before him.

Manda had frozen into a solid block of ice, creating some sort of ramp. Platforms of ice had formed on the water's surface, and monsters lurked visibly under the clear lake. A piece of heart waited on a platform further away, and an icy entrance to a cave was off in another direction.

Naruto took a tentative step and yelped when he slid. "Damn it! Since when is ice slippery?"

As Naruto continued to venture out onto the ice, the author realized that this could quite possibly take a while. Indeed, the fourth time that Naruto slipped, muttering curses, the author decided that a time-lapse line would be appropriate, and thus inserted one.

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Naruto blindly swung his sword around and the ice Keese approached, swooping on him menacingly and threatening to temporarily freeze him into an ice block. Ducking under his shield, he squeezed his eyes shut and shivered. Some of the Keese fell victim to his sword, while the others simply bounced harmlessly off his shield and went back to their business.

"I h-h-hate this place," he said to himself, teeth chattering. "G-Game m-makers are evil. I sound l-l-like H-Hinata…"

He hopped on top of the icy path, shooting carelessly at the Freezard in his way. Being directly in front of him, it only took the blonde seven shots. Seeing as it normally only took three shots to kill a Freezard, however, that could be viewed as less than impressive.

Naruto went up the path, barely slipping at all – again, not overly impressive, seeing as this was one of the ice paths with traction – to the blue inferno in the middle of the room. He stared at it for a while in awe.

"Cool," he nearly drooled. "It's so pretty…"

He reached out a hand to touch it, yelping and drawing it back quickly when he found it so cold it was hot. He hissed, rubbing his hand with the other gingerly. "I wonder…" he pondered, taking out a bottle. He swiped it through the fire, bottling a bit of the blue flame. "Awesome!"

He released a fairy from his second bottle, giggling as it flew around him, tickling him a bit with the fairy dust falling loosely off it's body. Once it had disappeared, he bottled more of the blue fire. "This stuff is so cool," he said gleefully. He turned his gaze to the chest frozen in a block of red ice. "Hmm…blue fire, red ice…it should work," he rationed, dumping the fire over the red ice block. There was the hissing sound of steam and the ice melted away in seconds, leaving no trace.

"This stuff is too cool," Naruto chuckled, going back and putting more flame in his now-empty bottle. "I can't wait to show Kyuu…"

He trailed off, suddenly not as content as he was a moment ago. "I wonder how the Goddesses are doing," he said quietly. He looked up again, looking determined. "Well, acting all sad never got me anywhere…might as well keep going."

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On the other side of the cut-off line, most of the ice cavern had been completed, mostly because it's a non-descript mini-dungeon with no real boss, no keys, and no sub-purpose. Naruto entered the large, endless expanse of a room, silver stars glittering with tints of purple, blue, and green on the limitless walls. Ice crystals jutted out from the floor, forming somewhat of an arena, and a small hole cut in the ice through to the water below.

A howl reverberated off the almost nonexistent walls, and a snow-white Wolfos appeared, readying itself to pounce. Naruto drew his sword and shield. "Somehow, I should have figured," he sighed.

The following battle is censored for horribly timed attacks, angst from a blonde, sliding on ice, improper use of blue fire, drowning in the world's smallest pool of water, dramatic speeches that rival any soliloquy The Deku Tree could make, a distinct lack of fairies and/or sporks, drug-like highs from staring at really weird and sparkly walls, and a cheap victory involving sliding into spikes made out of ice.

The Wolfos fell limply against the row of fragile spikes, decomposing and dissolving in seconds. Naruto exhaled loudly, sweeping his hat out of his eyes; it had somehow managed to turn completely around in the battle. A voice icier than the cavern reached his ears.

"We meet again, Naruto," Haku said coldly. "I'm glad we did. I have a bit of a problem with you at the moment."

"Hey, Haku," Naruto greeted, still struggling the pixels of his hat. He didn't see the mirrors form all around the room, or Haku absently toying with his needles. "You have a problem with me? Why?"

"As you may recall, earlier in the chapter -" Haku began hotly, but was cut off when Genma and Raidou forced their way on screen, past the mirrors, which they were eyeing nervously.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Genma hastened towards Haku, waving his arms. "I have a message from the director! I was told to say, and I quote…"

"Skip to the important parts," Haku snarled. "I have some revenge to extract."

"Well, the director says you can't do that 'cause you might wreck the set," Genma said, avoiding looking at the masked boy.

Haku grimaced and tucked the needles away, and the mirrors shattered. Naruto finally managed to get his hat back into position. "There we go…sorry, what were you saying, Haku?" As he talked, he crossed over and threw open the chest in front of the pool of water, pulling out some boots with heavy metal on the bottom. "Hey…the Iron boots! Cool," he commented, tucking them away. The pouch looked as if it had grown quite a bit heavier, and if Naruto's leaning was any indication, it was.

"Forget it," Haku muttered, the security team leaving. "I'll just make my speech and get going."

"I don't suppose you can condense it a bit?" Naruto requested. "I have some things a kind of have to do…"

"FINE THEN!" Haku snapped. Naruto froze, and even the stars stopped shimmering. Haku closed his eyes and counted to ten quietly, taking a deep breath. "Okay…I'm sorry. I'm calmer now."

"Calm_er?_" Naruto squeaked. Haku ignored him.

"The entire Zora race is frozen under the ice, with the exception of the Zora princess," Haku informed him. "She left for the Water Temple to defeat the source of this ice curse, the Water Temple boss. Killing the boss is the only way that the ice will be able to melt. You understand all that?"

"I think so," Naruto nodded. "Ino's at the next Temple, and I need to do her dirty work to break the curse."

Haku looked startled. "I never mentioned Princess Ruto."

"Yes, you did," Naruto blinked. "You said the Zora princess escaped."

Haku cursed. "Damn it. I wasn't supposed to say that, I don't think…see what you made me do?" he snapped at Naruto. "You pissed me off so much that I forgot which secrets I'm supposed to be keeping!"

"Sorry," Naruto said meekly. Haku inhaled deeply.

"Maybe talking to Mr. Zabuza will calm me down," he muttered, walking off screen in a daze. Naruto watched him leave, looking timid. He equipped his Iron boots, took a deep breath and plunged into the water.

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"Hmm…eye drops, huh? Hmm…"

Chouji studied the prescription carefully, ignoring Naruto, who was twirling around rather pointlessly, studying his new blue sweat suit. Chouji sighed and lowered the prescription.

"Well, we have the eye drops, but we don't," Chouji said slowly, trying to choose his words carefully. "I mean…we have the ingredients to make the drops, but you'd have to take them to Lake Hylia quickly, and do it under three minutes, real time."

Naruto groaned. "Another stupid times one…? I hate those…"

"Oh, suck it up," Chouji snorted. "You only ever have to do the timed ones three times! It could be harder, too – at least I have the stupid ingredients!"

"No need to bite my head off," Naruto muttered darkly. Chouji groaned, his stomach rumbling.

"I get cranky when I'm hungry, okay?" he snapped. "I haven't eaten in seven years! I'm pretty sure I have something in my mini fridge…"

"Good luck with that," Naruto said, taking the eyeball frog. "Hope you don't die of starvation before you get there, Chouji."

Chouji waved a hand, indication he should get going as he began inching over in the direction of his mini fridge across the room. Naruto hesitated before running for the exit with a quick, "Thanks for the frog!" over his shoulder.

Chouji waved and tried moving faster. "These game makers could give those Sound ninjas a run for their money," he complained. "I think Katsuyu can go faster than I can…"

Outside Zora's Domain, Naruto was finding a problem with having longer legs, being forced to run across the bottom of the river rather than swim. He covered his head with his arms as rocks flew at him, being spat at him by monsters. He finally managed to fling himself into deeper water, letting the fast current carry him out. Gamabunta was already waiting at the river's edge, to Naruto's relief.

"Lake Hylia, Frog Boss!' he yelled, swinging a leg over to sit on Gamabunta's back. "Come on! Let's go!"

Gamabunta neighed – sort of – and took off as fast as he could – sort of. Naruto urged the frog-horse to go even faster.

Within a minute, they had reached the gate to Lake Hylia. Being partly a frog, Gamabunta hopped over it with little trouble. Naruto wailed.

"We have to go faster, or we'll never make it!" Naruto whimpered. "Only thirty seconds left!"

Gamabunta slowed to a halt in front of the old scientist's house, and Naruto bolted through the door. "Hey! Are you the scientist guy?"

Homura Mitokado, the other Fire Country elder, looked up from his charts. His eyes lit up. "I say, an eyeball frog! It's been years since I last had one of those!" He snatched it from the blonde's hands joyously. "Fried eyeballs for me tonight! Send King Zora my thanks, will you?" he laughed heartily, but stopped abruptly. Naruto held his sword point directly under Homura's chin.

"Make those into eye drops," he said, his bangs covering his eyes creepily and his voice low and dangerous. Homura gulped.

"Ah…I see…" he gave a disappointed sigh. "I should've known it was too good to be true…"

Homura turned around and got to work. Naruto was too tired to check whether or not he was actually making the drops, but he trusted him to. After all, he was still holding his sword. Homura turned around, a strangely shaped bottle in his hands.

"Here are your eye drops," he said hastily. "They'll only last for about four minutes in real time, though. You should use them right away."

"They aren't for me," Naruto groaned. "I have to get to Death Mountain…"

"Death Mountain? Good luck," Homura snorted. He recoiled when Naruto brandished his blade closer to his throat. "…Not that you'll need any luck," he added weakly. "I'm sure you'll make it in time."

"For your sake, I better," the blonde said darkly. "I'm in one hell of a bad mood and I don't have a guardian fairy to snap me out of it."

Naruto sheathed the Master Sword and darted out the door. Homura sighed in relief and tried to slump against the wall. Having no wall there, he fell backwards into the water.

Outside, Naruto was already heading back on Gamabunta, swearing profusely under his breath. He tucked the fragile glass bottle into his inventory, which is to say, under his hat. Why not? There wasn't a fairy to occupy that space, right?

The two of them were streaks of dull orange and sapphire blue across Hyrule Field, desperately making their way to Kakariko. The clock in the upper left corner slowly counted down with each passing second, getting closer and closer to reaching zero.

"We have to go faster," Naruto muttered, not fully aware that he was even talking. "I still have to climb Death Mountain, and that could take me about forty seconds in real time. We'll never make it at this rate."

Gamabunta stopped to a sudden and dead halt in front of Kakariko, practically bucking the blonde on his back off. Naruto scrambled up the entrance, struggling for breath from the second he hit the ground.

Villagers looked at him strangely as he scrambled past, holding onto his hat with one hand and pushing people out of the way with the other. He made it to the Death Mountain trail in roughly thirty seconds, leaving him exactly one minute left.

"Wait…what's this?" he stopped suddenly, eyes opening wide. "YES!" he cheered. "The magic bean I planted seven years ago!" Mentally, he made a note to remind himself to plant a magic bean there next time he was in the past.

He hopped on the leafy plant, and it began to rise in the air, taking him around and up Death Mountain. It paused near the top, giving the blonde time to hop off, before returning to the earth.

Naruto took off running, dodging a red Tektite that jumped at him out of nowhere. He rolled forward and nearly lost his hat, ignoring the boulder that followed him. The hat fell off, and Naruto paused, deliberating for only a second before deciding that he would, indeed, copy Indiana Jones. He waited until the boulder was barely an inch away from the hat before he snatched it and put it back on his head.

With forty seconds left on the clock, Naruto drew his Hookshot and, for once in his parody career, showed a display of excellent marksmanship. He took out the first and second wall Skulltula quickly, barely even noticing them clatter to the ground below as he climbed. He pulled himself up to the platform and shot the last Skulltula, which squealed as it fell.

Naruto pulled himself up the wall rapidly, scrambling up with little grace. He rolled forward, pulling out the eye drops, which had miraculously survived the rolls, falls, and other things. He held them up and yelled, "I HAVE THE EYE DROPS!"

Hiashi rolled forward, rubbing his eyes. "You have them?" he repeated. "Excellent!" He snatched them up with his gigantic fingers and ignored the boy practically dying in front of him. The timer, which read '0:07', faded from view.

"Oh good, maybe the clichés are over now," Naruto exhaled loudly. "I'm so glad that's over with…by the Goddesses, I hate side quests…"

"I can see!" Hiashi cheered, all dignity forgotten as he gave the screen a 'good guy' pose, teeth sparkling. Naruto coughed lightly, drawing Hiashi's attention back to him. "Oh, right! What did you want again?"

"What do I want?" Naruto muttered darkly. "I want my fairy back. It's the freaking END of the CHAPTER, and he's STILL not back!"

The sky flashed and Din said sorrowfully, "We still couldn't find him."

"There's only one other explanation," Nayru said quietly.

"NO!" Naruto yelled. "There's no WAY Kyuubi could be dead! We need to find his kidnapper, and we need to find him NOW! I can't possibly get through the next chapter without him!"

A low, dark chuckle sounded from off screen, and a shrouded figure stepped into view.

"Who the hell are you?" Farore demanded, sniffling slightly.

"I believe you called for me," the figure sneered, "for it I, Kyuubi's kidnapper! Do you fear me, un?"

Naruto's brow furrowed. "Deidara?"

The Akatsuki member threw off his cloak, revealing a chuckling Deidara. "Yes, I did it! I kidnapped your precious Kyuubi, un!"

"No you didn't," Naruto frowned. "You haven't even been in this parody so far."

"I did too," Deidara insisted.

"Did not," Farore said accusingly.

"Did too!"

"Did not!" Din cried.

"Did too!"

"Did not!" Naruto stamped his foot.

"Did too!" Deidara mimicked the blonde almost mockingly.

"Did _not!_" The three Goddesses yelled.

"Did _too!_"

"Did _NOT_!"

"STOP IT!" someone yelled, agitated. "THIS IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS!" An extremely irritated Kyuubi came on screen. He whacked Deidara soundly across the head. "You idiot, you didn't kidnap anybody."

"I could have," Deidara sulked. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Get back to the audience," he sneered. Deidara skulked off, muttering and throwing spiteful looks at the kitsune. Kyuubi looked fairly pleased with himself until Naruto grabbed him into a bone-crushing hug. You can imagine how that affected Kyuubi, having no bones in the first place.

"Twerp…get…off…" he wheezed, glowing blue from lack of oxygen.

"I missed you, Kyuubi!" Naruto said, tightening his grip.

"KYUU!" Three female voices chorused happily.

"You're back!" Din sang. "We all missed you, Kyuu! Well…except the postman."

Kyuubi's expression darkened, but he didn't say anything, mostly because Naruto was choking off his air supply. That was when a thought struck him. "Oh yeah…I don't have lungs. I don't have a mouth, either…so I can still talk!"

"Where were you?" Farore sounded relieved, but anxious and angry. "Tell us who kidnapped you and I'll zap the scum into hell and back!"

"Because only you two are allowed to torture him," Nayru said quietly and sarcastically. No one noticed.

"No one _kidnapped_ me," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "I went on strike."

"Strike?" Naruto and the Goddesses chorused.

"Yeah," Kyuubi nodded. "As of five minutes ago, I have my own trailer, make up and hair crew, and a cappuccino maker. The director's actually a pretty cool person…easy to get along with, you know? Always willing to listen, provided you aren't a stagehand, security, roadie, or janitor. The director says they aren't worth listening to anyway."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "So you had us all worried sick because you wanted a cappuccino maker?" he said shrilly.

"Guess so," Kyuubi shrugged.

Everyone was quiet for a moment.

"We thought you were dead," Din said darkly.

"And technically, Goddesses aren't allowed to be wrong," Farore said, her voice sickly sweet with pure evil.

Kyuubi's eyes grew wide. "…Help?"

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Oh, that Kyuubi! (Loud, cheesy laughter) Let's hope he's still alive for the next chapter!

Speaking of next chapter, it's the Water Temple up next! That's right – the longest, most irritating Temple of all! However, it DOES have Dark Link and Morpha, two very cool bosses! …Well, Dark Link is cool, anyway!

R & R, everyone! …I just learned what that meant, so I had to use it…Yes, I _am_ slow! Thanks for asking!


	25. Well, That Gimmick Died Fast

Since I STILL don't own anything, including Zelda, Naruto or Disney (don't ask…), it's time for another disclaimer! Today it'll be done by Gaara!

Gaara: …You just did your disclaimer.

…Hey, yeah! I did! Now to more pressing matters – **_MY 300TH REVIEW_**! Yay! (Tosses confetti, blows noisemakers, balloons, hats, the whole deal – Gaara looks at LON with distaste, trying to take off his party hat and brushing confetti off his clothes) Thanks to **Laura J. Rie** for being my 300th reviewer! Congrats to me – as usual – ESPECIALLY since it's only been three chapters for me to get another 100 reviews! _YAY!_

Also, **Laura J. Rie** wrote a poem for me – 'Chapter 19 in a Nutshell'. Check my reviews for Chapter 19 if you're interested in seeing it – I liked it, personally, but I may be a bit biased, seeing as it was written about my story.

ALSO, if anyone's interested, Ocarina of Konoha is now posted at http/ www. freewebs. com/ rockingon/ - if you're interested in visiting, just paste that in the URL and remove the spaces! I'm feeling so popular lately!

Gaara: Start the chapter or she'll never shut up.

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"Are you done yet?"

"Not yet," Hiashi answered irritably. It was clear that Naruto had been asking for quite a while. "I _told_ you, it'll be done in a little while!"

Kyuubi, who was lying on the ground with his wings crumpled, sighed. "Shut up, twerp. You've been asking exactly every two and a half minutes for three days. He'll tell you when he finishes."

"But Kyuubi…" Naruto whined, poking the fairy lightly. Kyuubi yelped in pain and recoiled, and Naruto drew back hastily. "Sorry! I forgot."

Kyuubi was in a rather bad state, having endured twenty-four hours of the Goddesses' 'revenge'. His fragile wings had regained most of their movement, and his tiny glowing body was no longer smoking. He was also able to speak now without coughing up ash.

"Are you done yet?" Naruto looked up at Hiashi again, looking impatient.

"_No_," Hiashi said vehemently. "I will _tell_ you when I'm done, like the fairy said."

"But you're taking so long," Naruto whined. "Aren't you done yet?"

"No…"

"You ask that one more time and I'll turn this car right around," Kyuubi grumbled warningly. Naruto groaned and sulked, turning his back on his guardian fairy.

All was silent for a while, the only sound being that of Hiashi banging away at the sword with a small hammer. Naruto struggled with himself, and it was quite obvious he was bursting to ask again. Kyuubi watched him out of the corner of his eye. Naruto's face turned purple with strain and small beads of sweat began rolling down his neck.

"…Are you done _yet?_" Naruto finally blurted. Kyuubi shot up into the air, irritated.

"That's it! You -" he was cut off by the relieved sigh of Hiashi.

"Yes! It's done!" he wiped his brow and threw the sword down at the blonde's feet, muttering 'thank you, Goddesses' under his breath. Naruto jumped up, looking delighted as he picked up the sword with glittering eyes.

"It's so beautiful," Naruto let out a shuddering gasp as he studied it from top to bottom. "Outclasses both the Megaton Hammer and the Master Sword by far. It's six-foot long blade is perfectly crafted to cut down even the toughest of monsters, with perfect balance in every way, and yet it still manages to be light enough to wield easily with two hands. Rather than being a hindrance, the double-handed nature of the sword only serves to add more force to every swing, giving it the perfect amount of strength to make it a clean slash but with enough bluntness to cause pain. The blade itself has been polished and waxed to a shine, and made so that blood slides off the blade rather than stick or stain. The hilt is made with a comfortable and steady grip so my hands are firmly in place and won't slip off in mid-swing. It has double the power of the Master Sword, and it doesn't have those stupid wing-things of the sides of the hilt. On top of all of those features, it's been coated with a mint spray for a fresh scent that also covers up the smell of death, corpses and blood." Naruto nuzzled the sword lovingly, slobbering slightly.

Hiashi and Kyuubi stared. The fairy cocked an eyebrow at the blacksmith, who coughed lightly. "Uh…yeah. It's all of that. I call it the Biggoron Sword."

"Ah," Kyuubi said simply. "Well, twerp, let's put away the new toy and thank the nice Goron for making it for you, hmm?"

Looking very much like an excited child with a new toy to play with, Naruto peered up shyly at Hiashi. "Thank you," he said sweetly.

Hiashi smiled wanly. "Think nothing of it," he said cordially. "You did get me those eye drops, after all. I'm sure you must have had some trouble with that long, irritating side quest."

"Side quest?" Kyuubi repeated, rounding on Naruto. The blonde tucked away his new sword, laughing nervously.

"There was no side quest," he said quickly. "I don't know what he's talking about. Honest. Let's go now, okay?"

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'The Water Temple' appeared across the screen in bubbly, childish writing. Happy intro music played, and Naruto climbed up out of the water with a large, cheesy grin plastered on his face. The boot-switch count at the bottom of the screen read '1' already.

"Well, here we are at the next Temple!" he said brightly. "Gee, Kyuubi, do you think any part of this Temple is going to be hard?"

"Well, Ruto is supposed to be here," Kyuubi said thoughtfully. "She probably grew up nicely…"

Naruto looked confused. "What do you mean, Kyuubi?"

Kyuubi blinked. "What do _you_ mean, what do I mean?" he asked cautiously. "Look twerp, I know you've got the playing dumb thing down, but you can't honestly tell me…"

"Well, come on, Kyuubi!" Naruto tugged on one of his delicate wings. "I'm sure there's lots to do here! Maybe, if we're lucky, we can learn a few things while we go through the Temple, and maybe have a little fun on the way!" he winked at the camera. Kyuubi looked highly disturbed.

"Are you okay, twerp?"

"I'm great, Kyuubi!" Naruto smiled. "Thank you for expressing to me that you care! It's always a nice gesture to ask someone how they are when opening a conversation!"

Kyuubi inched away from him slowly. "Right…anyway, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Hmm…" Naruto tapped his chin, looking up in thought. "Did I forget my Zora tunic?" he looked down at himself and frowned. "No…my Iron boots?" he checked his kunai pouch. "No…hmm…"

"The wings, twerp," Kyuubi said irritably, fluttering his in indication. "I can't go underwater. What do you plan on doing about it?"

Naruto held out an empty bottle. Kyuubi groaned. "Oh, hell no…"

Out of nowhere, a mini hammer appeared a smacked Kyuubi down to the floor, and Naruto and the audience laughed heartily. "Silly Kyuubi," Naruto chastised. "Saying naughty words like that is _wrong_. Remember kids, swearing is bad and disrespectful!"

Kyuubi froze, eyes wide. "Oh Nayru, we've been rated G."

Naruto scooped Kyuubi into his bottle, corking it immediately afterwards. He grinned at the bottle. "Lucky for us, and Kyuubi, with a little help of a plot device, we can hear Kyuubi talk underwater! With the same plot device, I can talk underwater, too!" Naruto gave the screen a happy smile.

"Oh, joy," Kyuubi said sarcastically. "Some plot device…"

"Now, Kyuubi," Naruto said condescendingly, "every time you scorn a plot device, somewhere a plot dies. We wouldn't want that, would we?"

Kyuubi gave his charge a flat look. "I don't care what happens, I refuse to clap my hands to bring a plot alive."

"Oh, Kyuubi," Naruto chuckled, swimming across the room to the right side of the room. He climbed up the platform. "Hmm…I don't think I'm in the right place, but I guess I'll keep going anyway!" He began whistling cheerfully. Kyuubi spat in disgust, and regretted it immediately when it clung to the inside of the bottle.

"And even now, I'm turning into the hopeless sidekick," he muttered, disgusted with himself. "This can only be the work of a Goddess…" he sighed. "I wouldn't put it past Farore, but now that I've seen what Nayru can do…"

Naruto plunged into the water pit at the end of the hall, sinking down to the bottom with his Iron boots. He rolled along the bottom, laughing merrily.

"This is neat!" he sang. "I can breathe underwater!"

"Very astute of you," Kyuubi drawled. Naruto blinked. Rolling his eyes, Kyuubi said loudly and sarcastically, "I mean, good job, twerp! Let's keep going so we can finish up this little Temple so we can do something fun like milk a goat!"

"That sounds wholesome and entertaining!" Naruto said delightedly. Kyuubi's jaw dropped and he dragged a non-existent hand down his face. Naruto didn't notice as he pulled a large block towards him. It slid into place, sending bubbles spraying up from beneath it.

"Now to find Princess Ino!" Naruto chirped. Kyuubi glared at nothing.

"There can't possibly be so many words for 'speaking happily'," the fairy grumbled disbelievingly.

Naruto dragged himself out of the water pit and ran into the main room, leaping off the side and landing in the water with a loud splash. The boot-switch counter switched to '4' as he equipped the Iron boots to sink down to the very bottom.

"Where did that even come from…?" Kyuubi stared at the counter. "It's completely unnecessary. I doubt that the boots are switched enough times to warrant a _counter_…"

"Ino!" Naruto yelled joyfully, stopping dead in his tracks. "It's you!"

The naked girl turned around and gasped. As the chapter was rated G, her hair had conveniently grown long enough to cover anything that wasn't generally meant to be displayed. "Oh…you…if I'm right…Naruto?"

"Yes, it's me!" Naruto declared. Ino's expression lit up.

"It's so good to see you!" She gushed. "How are you? Where have you been? Is your fairy okay?" she pointed at the bottle that was slowly filling up with blood. Kyuubi, inside, was cursing – in a G rated way – and trying to stem the flow from his nose.

"How come you aren't ogling?" Kyuubi inquired, throwing his charge a dirty look. "You can't tell me your child-rated mind can't even appreciate…"

"I choose not to ogle her, because doing so would show a lack of respect!" Naruto stated, pumping his fist into the air and giving the camera a wide, cheesy grin.

"Remember kids, showing other people respect is a way to get them to respect you," Ino said sweetly. "If everyone showed respect to everyone else, the world would be a much nicer place! Filled with puppies and kittens and lollipops!"

"Remember the Golden Rule," Haku piped up, appearing out of nowhere, "treat others how you would like to be treated!"

"Alright, that is _it!_" Kyuubi shouted. "I've had enough of this moralistic happy crap! WHICHEVER GODDESS IS RESPONSIBLE, CUT IT OUT!"

"Uh, Din said she would stop it," Nayru said hesitantly. "She couldn't say so herself – you know, Water Temple and her being the Goddess of Fire and all – so everything should be normal now. Oh, but she told me to tell Naruto that she told him she had been planning something."

"Huh? What?" Naruto blinked, reeling and rubbing his eyes. Kyuubi sighed in relief.

"_Thank_ you," he said. "Congratulate her for me. It was a decent attempt."

Nayru fled, and Kyuubi then turned his attention to Haku, who leaning against the wall looking bored. "How are you even here? We're underwater. You shouldn't be able to breathe."

Haku froze and looked shifty-eyed. "Uh…revel in my mysterious Sheikah ways."

"That's another thing," Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "The stage directions say you look all shifty, and everyone here knows it, yet you're wearing a mask. How do we know that if we can't see you?"

Looking thoroughly trapped, Haku snapped, "Yeah, well, at least I _have_ a face!" With that, he pelted a flashy Sheikah thing at the ground. It drifted down to the bottom, doing nothing. Haku blinked, obviously having forgotten he was underwater.

"Uh…" Haku looked around nervously at the others, who were staring at him. He cleared his throat and sidled off screen.

"That was a low blow," Kyuubi said finally, sounding hurt. "Honestly…'At least I have a face'…really, what's he trying to do to me, huh? I always thought we were on relatively good terms."

Having come to his senses, Naruto was now staring quite openly at Ino, who was giving him a dirty look and repositioning her hair.

"I don't know what I was thinking," she mumbled. "I'll never get customers like this…" she perked up suddenly. "Oh, but that's right – I don't _need_ customers, because I'm supposed to marry Princess Zelda," she gave Naruto an expectant look. He froze, chuckling timidly.

"Oh…that's right…" he said, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "I, uh, said I would deliver the message…"

"And?" Ino pressed, narrowing her eyes. "Zelda _did_ agree…right? Because if not, I'll be having my Spiritual Stone back." She held out her hand.

"Oh, no, Sasuke agreed!" Naruto lied hastily. Kyuubi gave him a look.

"Twerp, what the hell do you think you're doing?" he hissed.

"Uh, lying," he replied quietly. "Wasn't that obvious? Or maybe you forgot – we never actually _told_ Sasuke about her…conditions."

"Thank you, twerp, but I didn't forget," he ground out. "Why the hell did you lie? Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Well, since you did what I told you, I guess we can get down to business," Ino said, substantially happier. Kyuubi brightened.

"On second thought, good going, twerp!" he grinned broadly.

"Not that business," Ino rolled her eyes. "Yes, I heard that. Of course, I didn't hear anything before that."

"Oh, good," Kyuubi said lightly. "Not that we were discussing anything of importance. You were saying…?"

"Well, I'm guessing you saw it," she shrugged. "Zora's Domain – totally frozen over! That young man who was in here before, Sheik, saved me from under the ice. Shame he wouldn't let me repay him…" she sighed, a dreamy look momentarily passing over her features.

"Probably knew better, what with his Sheikah wisdom…" Kyuubi mused.

"So, since you helped me out before, I'm going to order you to do it again!" Ino said. "So, Naruto, I order you to save Zora's Domain and kill the big boss of this Temple. If you don't, I'll have you executed!"

Naruto blinked. "But…you don't have anyone to carry out your orders. They're all frozen. You can't execute me."

"Oh, so here you see how illogical that is," Kyuubi muttered. "Seven years ago you freaked out when she said you'd execute you through a message in a bottle, but _now_…"

"You don't have to carry me this time, if it's any consolation," she snapped. "So stop questioning my execution methods. Just follow me so I can mysteriously disappear for the rest of the Temple."

Rather than wait for confirmation, she began drifting up towards the top. It was then that Naruto noticed the distinct lack of a ceiling. With a shrug, Naruto unequipped his Iron boots and followed.

Naruto popped his head out of the water, gasping for air. Kyuubi gave his a dull look from his bottle.

"You forgot you could breathe underwater, didn't you."

Realization dawned on the blonde ninja and he scowled. "Shut up, I remembered. I just didn't feel like it." He dragged himself up. "I guess I should stick to my usual tactics and just go through the first door I see."

"Why not, that tactic rarely gets us into trouble," Kyuubi drawled sardonically. Naruto burst through the door, Biggoron sword drawn.

"EUGH! Clam creatures!" Naruto whimpered and ducked behind his shield, promptly forgetting his sword.

"Of course they'd be clams," Kyuubi said with a perverted grin. "I mean, Ino was just here, wasn't she?"

Naruto didn't hear Kyuubi's reply, being too busy whimpering about how short life was. Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "For Din's sake, twerp, just kill them. They're hardly anything to worry about, especially with my Guidebook. All you have to do is stick 'em with your Hookshot when they turn around."

Naruto blinked. "That's…it? Really?"

"I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but I'll repeat myself," Kyuubi said plaintively. "Not all of these evil monsters from the deepest voids of hell are tough to kill. I mean, look at zombies from the movies. Provided you don't run into an abandoned house for shelter, all you have to do is knock their heads off. Real difficult when they move as fast as King Zora."

Naruto tentatively drew his Hookshot and speared one of the clams when it revealed it's fleshy pink…weak spot, for lack of a better or more descriptive word. The sharp hook stuck inside it, but Naruto's revulsion.

"Ew…get if off," he said, his face scrunched up. "Gross, it's sticking…"

The clam disappeared, leaving a small heart behind. The Hookshot sprung back, and Naruto shuddered slightly. "Why are the Water ones always gross…?" he wondered.

"I don't think this one's even supposed to be," Kyuubi remarked, filing his claws. "We're just cursed with an author with a sick mind. Chapter fifteen was enough proof of that."

Naruto shuddered. "That was so wrong…" he gasped. "Gross, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…"

"Then don't think about it," Kyuubi said rationally. "You've never made a habit of thinking before."

Naruto nodded, before pausing. Kyuubi smirked.

"Slow on the uptake, twerp?"

"Kyuubi, you jerk!"

Wisely taking out his indignation on the remaining clam monsters, he speared the very last one, making a horrible squelching noise and killing it. A large treasure chest sprung up in the middle of the room.

Naruto dug out the Dungeon map inside and left still whining, mostly to himself, about how everyone was constantly insulting his intelligence. He may have whining to Kyuubi, but it was very obvious that the kitsune was ignoring his charge.

"Hey," Kyuubi muttered, pointing at the Triforce symbol on the wall with his nail file. "There's a Triforce symbol on the wall."

"The author just said that," Naruto rolled his eyes. "What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Throughout our travels, the Triforce has always indicated you have to play Zelda's Lullaby. It's too bad, too…I always liked the Song of Time better. I wish you had to play that instead. Zelda's Lullaby is just so -"

"Kyuubi, I need to know what to do," Naruto interrupted. "You can criticize Koji Kondo's ability to compose music later."

"Well, I pretty much just told you," Kyuubi shrugged, looking a bit irritated at being cut off. "Play Zelda's Lullaby and see what happens."

Naruto shrugged and took out his Ocarina. Something new appeared in the opposite corner to the boot-switch counter; a 'song counter' went up to '1'.

As the last few notes of Zelda's Lullaby faded away, the water level suddenly began to go down rapidly. Naruto bent over the pit, confused.

"All the water's gone!" he yelped. "How am I supposed to get down?"

"Jump, duh," Kyuubi replied with a roll of his eyes. "Just don't crush my bottle when you do it, 'kay?"

Naruto turned faintly green. Kyuubi stopped filing his claws and gave him a flat look. "Don't tell me you're still afraid of heights! You got the damn Megaton Hammer, didn't you? That fall was practically suicide."

"That's not it," he said, grinding his teeth. "It's just that in my experience, jumping a couple of floors down with no water or trampoline to catch is you is a bad idea that usually makes me end up in the hospital being lectured by Old Lady Tsunade."

Tsunade, in the audience, narrowed her eyes. "I hardly _lecture_ him."

Jiraiya wisely chose not to comment.

"Just jump, twerp," Kyuubi was wheedling on screen. "You can even land on the bottle if you want. It won't make much different, since I've been immortal since chapter twenty."

Naruto froze. "You have? But…back when you were missing…we thought you might be…"

Kyuubi snorted. "You could've asked the Goddesses. Farore's the one that did it."

Nayru voice rang out. "Uh, Farore wants me to relay a message to Naruto – she says, Oh yeah, I did do that. Really sorry to have freaked you out, then."

"I can see why you hate them," he muttered to Kyuubi.

"I don't necessarily hate them," Kyuubi shook his head. "It's just hard to be overly fond of someone whose short-term goals involve making you cry. That goes double for Goddesses. They're supposed to be looking after the world, but instead, they pick on me…" Kyuubi frowned. "Since when have you known about that, anyway? You used to think I was crazy!"

Naruto blinked. "I still don't see why you think they're out to get you, but that's just paranoia," he waved a hand. "They've never actually done anything to you, after all."

Kyuubi's jaw dropped. "What. The. HELL is wrong with you, twerp? Are you honestly so blind that -"

Mustering his courage, Naruto jumped, ignoring Kyuubi. He squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for the landing. Rather than become a red smear on the ground, however, he landed gracefully as if he had jumped from one platform to another. He blinked and opened his mouth.

"Game mechanics, twerp," Kyuubi said before he could even ask. "Physics works differently here. Best not to question it."

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"Well, that's great," Naruto shook his head wildly, sending water spraying everywhere. "That room nearly killed me."

"Only because you tried to fight the currents, you idiot," Kyuubi said unsympathetically. "If you had worked them to your advantage, it wouldn't have taken so long. It also helps if you don't randomly switch back to your Goron tunic underwater."

"I think I look better in red," Naruto pouted. "It's close to orange."

"Don't care, don't do it," Kyuubi snapped. "You got the key, anyway, and that's what counts."

Naruto blinked. "I think the time-lapse overshot a bit. Was I supposed to do that room within or after the cut off line?"

"After," Kyuubi pointed at the boot-switch counter. "It saved them from having to see _that_." The boot-switch counter now read '22' as opposed to the old '4'.

"I guess that makes sense," Naruto nodded, looking a bit waterlogged. "Where to next?"

"The next accessible room would be that one, since you have a couple of keys," Kyuubi pointed to the room leading inside the large central tower. The Tektites, up above on the top level, were swooping about, looking down hungrily at Naruto. "Uh…you might want to hurry that up, twerp. We're a bit exposed here."

Naruto ran along the bottom to the room Kyuubi had pointed out. He shut the door behind him quickly and took a quick look around.

A block was beneath his feet, completing the platform he stood on. Spikes flanked either side, and other platforms jutted out of the walls, conveniently placed Hookshot targets on each one. Only the first two looked in range of his Hookshot, however; the others were much farther up. On the ceiling was a gold Skulltula, hopelessly out of range.

"Another Triforce symbol," Kyuubi observed. "Hookshot up there, twerp."

Naruto complied, and played Zelda's Lullaby in front of it. The 'You did something right!' music played predictably and the water level rose up about halfway. The block in the platform rose up, leaving a hold where it once was.

"Dive down there," Kyuubi instructed, and Naruto equipped his Iron boots. As he sank drown, Kyuubi groaned. "You might've wanted to make sure you weren't about to land on spikes."

Naruto looked down and screeched, switching his boots once again and swimming over a bit above the platform. The spikes glistened ominously.

"Pay attention much?" Kyuubi asked mockingly. "Honestly twerp, you may as well go around doing everything with your eyes closed." Already seeing that as an opening for a gimmick, Kyuubi added, "Of course, I wouldn't even care if you did so. In fact, I'd probably laugh."

Nayru cleared her throat, coming back again. "Uh, my sisters told me to say, Damn."

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Naruto collected the key and tucked it away, smirking in a satisfied way. "It's a lucky thing I keep cool in these situations," he nodded to himself. "I bet any other hero would've freaked out when I hit that switch and all those enemies swooped down and tried to molest and/or kill me."

"You were screaming and doing the 'No, Go, Tell' thing again," Kyuubi said bluntly. "By some fluke you managed to kill them all when you were thrashing around with your Hookshot conveniently drawn. That's another thing," he frowned. "It makes no sense that you can't draw your sword underwater. What, would that make things too convenient, or too easy, or something?"

"You aren't supposed to question game logistics, Kyuubi," Naruto reminded.

The fairy snorted. "Whatever."

Naruto floated upwards back to the room with the Triforce symbol. He surfaced, swimming over to the platform with a door. The door promptly barred itself barely seconds after Naruto exited.

"Alright, so the water level is up to the middle now," Kyuubi observed. "Not that I really have any idea what I'm doing, but you should go to the left and enter the eastern door. It's accessible."

Naruto began going to the right.

"Your other left, idiot," Kyuubi said irritably. "I can't believe people actually _do_ that…"

Naruto headed left. He swam past the Tektites, who had jumped down in hopes of landing on him, and through to the next room, only having to switch his boots three times. The boot-switch counter went up by three, making the total '46'.

"Ooh, a treasure chest…" Naruto rubbed his hands together greedily as he hopped out of the water. A switch was nearby, with a chest being blocked by a short wall of water on the opposite side. "Wonder what's inside it..."

"Gee, maybe it's the compass, since you don't have it yet," Kyuubi said obviously, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, how did I end up getting stuck with someone as stupid as you?"

Naruto pouted. "You know, Kyuubi, you don't have to be so mean to me. Maybe if you gave me a little more support and encouragement -"

"Okay, that's it!" Kyuubi bellowed. "I'm going to burn all those damn parenting books!"

"Actually, that one was an episode of Dr. Phil," Naruto explained. "It was how to deal with your rebellious teenagers."

Kyuubi gave him a look. "If you ever watch Dr. Phil again, I _will_ disown you."

"According to Dr. Phil, threatening your child -"

"Twerp," Kyuubi interrupted warningly. Naruto shut his mouth obediently and walked over to the treasure chest. He attempted to open it, but withdrew his hand with a frown.

"Ow…the water pressure hurts my hand," he complained. "How am I supposed to get it?"

"Gee, twerp, maybe you could ask that switch over there," Kyuubi said derisively. Naruto frowned.

"Kyuubi, now you're just being silly, dattebayo. The switch is intimate, it can't talk."

"_Inanimate_, twerp," Kyuubi corrected with an annoyed sigh, "and for your information, that was sarcasm. Hit the switch and the water will turn off. Dead last…" he muttered the last part.

Naruto shrugged and drew his bow, taking careful aim. Already predicting the problem, the author kindly put another cut-off line.

"Hold it," Kyuubi said suddenly, "_another_ time-lapse? Honestly, author, that's got to be the third or fourth one this chapter."

"Relax, Kyuubi," Naruto said soothingly. "There are even more in some chapters."

"Still, if the author keeps writing herself into corners…" Kyuubi growled. "I _know_ I'll take the hit one of these times. I'm practically the scapegoat. When things get stale, the fairy gets hit with a brick, or his wings get stuck, or…"

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"…Or struck by lightning, or drowned, or made immortal, or starts cheering, or singing, or made to…"

Naruto sighed, jumping onto a geyser. "Uh…I know I'm still doing stuff, but I think we need another time-lapse…he's built up a lot of steam," he gave the readers an apologetic look while Kyuubi continued to rant in the background.

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"…Over a teakettle, or stuck in a bottle, or -"

"Kyuubi, the cut-off line is over…again," Naruto interrupted cautiously. Kyuubi stopped mid-rant and blinked.

"…So there was a cut-off line then? I didn't have to do anything?"

"Nope, but you did miss a few rooms," Naruto began to recap. "I got the compass, went back to the place where we saw Ino and went up to bomb a wall and find a key, raised the water to the top, unlocked a door to a room with a huge waterfall and moving platforms with Hookshot targets, went to the other side and unlocked that door, and then got to this room," he indicated below, where there several dragon-like statues with Hookshot targets on them. "Then I got up here, and got your attention because there's a Like-Like and I'm scared of it."

Kyuubi blinked. "You're scared of a Like-Like?"

"It's a freaky molester monster!" Naruto whined, cowering slightly.

"All it does is suck you up and try to take your clothes," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "You can kill it from here with arrows."

"Arrows work on it?" Naruto looked relieved, but then muttered, "I really wish I'd known that during the Fire Temple…"

He drew his bow. Kyuubi hastily said, "Uh, you know, I'm pretty sure it's dry out there. Well, it's drier out there then it is in here – you never cleaned out the blood from when my nose sprung a leak a while back for completely innocent and non-perverse reasons."

"Oh, right, when we saw Ino…" Naruto blinked. "I guess I can let you out for a bit."

"Good," Kyuubi exhaled loudly. "Now maybe we can do a bit of Z-Targeting, hmm? Maybe that way we'll get out of here sometime before the Water Temple dries out."

Naruto nodded in agreement and uncorked his bottle before frowning. "Hey! My aim's not _that_ bad! I hit a Skulltula in one hit last chapter!"

"I wasn't there to see it," Kyuubi said indifferently. "Now shoot the Like-Like, twerp."

Naruto obeyed, the arrows automatically targeting Kyuubi's general direction. One whizzed past him quickly, piercing the Like-Like directly behind him. Kyuubi shuddered involuntarily. "Game makers really are sick…maybe I should start appreciating this immortality thing…"

The Like-Like seemed to collapse into itself, oozing into nothingness. Suitably satisfied that it was dead, Naruto used his Hookshot to bring himself over the wall of spikes.

"I'm getting a weird feeling now…" he gulped. "My map says we're about to enter a huge empty expanse of room. I wonder what could possibly be inside…"

"New idea, twerp; just go inside and quit freaking out about it," Kyuubi said. "You never bothered contemplating the other side of the door before."

"Conte-what?" Naruto furrowed his brow. Kyuubi smacked him upside the head.

"I'd forgotten how good it feels to do that," he said blissfully. "Let's go, twerp."

He entered the room, Kyuubi trailing behind. Bars slid over the door, making Naruto turn around suddenly. He frowned and turned back around, his jaw dropping as he gasped. "It's so…"

The room was an endless expanse of pale sky and glassy, almost mirror-like water. In the middle, although it seemed to be miles away, was a small patch of land with a dark, scraggly tree reaching up and imposing itself on the sky. Even further past the tree was a barred door.

Kyuubi let out a low, impressed whistle. "Amazing how they managed to cram this into a little Temple. Then again, we should've figured the could do something like that…they managed to make a dungeon out of Jabu-Jabu's digestive tract, after all."

Naruto's footsteps made soft splashing noises as he ran across to the other door, lightly tugging on the bars. "How the hell am I supposed to leave this place?" He whined.

"Maybe you missed something," Kyuubi suggested.

"How could I have missed something?" Naruto rolled his eyes. "There's nothing here!"

"Really," a soft, dangerous voice breathed. The speaker was close to Naruto, and his voice sent fearful shivers down his spine. "I'm hurt. I don't believe I'm _nothing_…"

"Oh, Goddesses," Kyuubi cursed softly, and Naruto slowly began to turn around, filled with dread, hoping it wasn't who he thought it was…

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Ooh, cliffhanger! That's right, you don't know who Dark Link is! HA! …And, uh, if you do, don't tell anyone. 'Kay?

So, after al LONG while, I updated! Sorry it took so long – my computer's been acting up lately. However, all problems have been fixed and I'll try to get back into my groove!

I love you all, my adoring fans! Feedback is much appreciated!


	26. Everything is a Conspiracy These Days

It's disclaimer time! Now let's see, let's see, who to choose to do my disclaimer…AH! I'll get my security team to do it! Everyone welcome my security team, Genma and Raidou!

Raidou: Miss lackofname doesn't own Naruto or Nintendo.

Genma: She does, however, own the director, casting director, and stagehands. Unless you ask them, in which case the director says, and I quote, 'No one owns me, especially not you, LON. Actually, the fact that you would insinuate that offends me. See if I get you a birthday present this year. Also, I would like to point out that _I_ own the stagehands, since their pitiful lives – meaning contracts – are in my hands.' End quote.

Raidou: The casting director, on the other hand, probably wouldn't care.

…Uh, thanks guys! My security team, everybody! (Claps) I guess I'll quickly thank a few people – thanks to **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, **Megaolix**, **Darkness Embers**, **BlooDy-MaY, **and **Invader-Nehima, **for guessing Dark Link's identity correctly! Also thanks to **IlluminatedShadow** for making all those 'missing' posters for Kyuubi a few chapters back, and FINALLY…**shattered-words** for liking Ocarina of Konoha so much that she posted it on her website!

That was more than five…oh well!

Genma: (Speaking into walkie-talkie) Right…keep the postman at bay, check the lock on the fangirls' cage and roll the chapter. Over.

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Naruto slowly turned around, eyes squeezed shut tightly, and he very cautiously opened one eye to see whoever was behind him.

"It's been a while…foolish little brother," the dark figure chuckled. This made Naruto open his eyes and blink, and somewhere off screen the delighted screams of fangirls and fanboys were heard.

"Uh…Itachi?" he inquired. Itachi, seemingly for the first time, really looked at Naruto and looked startled…well, sort of. He blinked, anyway.

"You are not Sasuke," he said slowly. "Sorry to have bothered you. I'm looking for the hero of this parody."

"Uh…" Naruto cleared his throat meekly. "That's me, dattebayo."

"It is?" Itachi frowned. "But I thought…"

"Hold on," Kyuubi interrupted. "This is weird. What made you think your brother was playing the hero? Pretty much everyone knew the twerp here was chosen."

"I saw Sasuke on the list of main characters, so I naturally assumed…" Itachi frowned pensively. Naruto poorly tried to hold back laughter.

"Oh…so you don't know who Sasuke is playing, do you?" his face tinged red from trying not to laugh. "You honestly don't know?"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL HIM, DEAD LAST!" 'Someone' hollered angrily from the audience. "I swear, I _will_ kill you if you do!"

"Who is he playing?" Itachi asked, growing more and more curious each second. He peered out into the audience, as if hoping to catch a glimpse of his little brother.

"H-He's Princess Zelda!" Naruto finally stopped holding back and roared with laughter, falling over and clutching his stomach. He sent tiny ripples spreading through the glassy surface of the water and Itachi stared at him blankly.

"Princess…Zelda?" he repeated, looking blank. "…A female role?"

"He's in a dress and everything," Kyuubi sniggered. "It's in a _lovely_ shade of magenta, if you're interested."

Itachi blinked, and slowly an uncharacteristic grin spread across his face with barely concealed amusement. He began to shake lightly with laughter.

"Shut up!" Sasuke yelled from the audience, turning bright pink. Not that he was embarrassed, of course. He was an Uchiha. Sasuke Uchiha does not get _embarrassed_. However, this was pretty damn close, he mused. "I'm going to kill you, Naruto!"

"You may find that a little difficult, little brother," Itachi snickered. "You may trip over your lovely pink _dress_. The skirt does look awfully long."

"You could hike it up a little!" Ino called hopefully from off screen.

"Damn you, Itachi!" Sasuke yelled, fighting to get on screen. Genma and Raidou hurried out into the audience to restrain him.

"I had a feeling we would be doing another cameo soon," Genma said disappointedly. Raidou nodded sympathetically.

"I know how you feel," he sighed. "We have to look on the bright side, though. At least we aren't on security for the Jerry Springer Show."

Genma looked at him blankly. "The what?"

Raidou gave him a look. "You really should watch more TV."

"Can't," Genma shrugged. "I don't have a trailer."

Raidou gave him another look. "Has it occurred to you that we have keys to access _everything?_"

Genma blinked as realization dawned on him. "What the hell are we still doing here?" he asked excitedly, dragging both Raidou and Sasuke off.

Back on screen, their giggles had subsided and they were beginning to remember the situation. This drew three different reactions.

Naruto simply froze, staring up at Itachi with both determination and complete and utter fear. He slowly withdrew his Biggoron sword and held it out in front of him.

Itachi reacted by…well, not reacting. He's _way_ too cool to actually react. He's an Uchiha. Instead he just stared down at Naruto, as if waiting for him to make the first move.

Kyuubi's reaction was to look around expectantly. When he saw nothing, he sighed irritably and snapped his fingers. Immediately a stagehand ran on screen carrying a comfortable-looking reclining deck chair. Kyuubi leaned back and brought out a large bag of popcorn and a soda. He waved the stagehand off screen, with a quick command of, "See if you can get me some gummy bears, will you? Liquorice would be nice, too."

Naruto slowly raised his sword, as if trying to calculate whether or not Itachi was going make a move. A wild cry tore from his throat as he attempted to bring the blade down on his head, and as if taking the yell as a cue, the battle music started.

Itachi didn't even flinch as he simply swerved out of the way, shoving his palm against the blonde's side, knocking him off balance. Naruto stumbled, the force of the swing carrying him further. He managed to get a better grip after a moment, and he turned to face Itachi, slightly shaken.

Itachi was drawing out a dark-bladed sword, similar to the Master sword in size and style. What might have been almost kind of a little bit of a smirk passed over his face as he lunged, whipping the blade down towards Naruto's neck, a blow that could sever his head. Naruto yelped and parried the sword with his own, taking off running towards the island in the middle of the room. Kyuubi groaned.

"Don't move the fight!" he sighed, snapping his fingers. Two stagehands appeared, and they lifted up the chair to follow the two combatants. They set it down a safe distance away, but close enough to enjoy the battle. One of the stagehands handed Kyuubi some liquorice before they left.

"What, no gummy bears?" Kyuubi blinked.

Meanwhile, Naruto was ducking behind the brittle tree, trying to get away from Itachi's blade. Itachi, on the other side, somehow managed to twist his sword around so he could graze Naruto's arm. The blonde hissed in pain, clutching the lightly stinging wound.

Finally growing impatient, Itachi seemed to sink away into the glassy water, his shadow fading ominously and reappearing on the other side. He rose out of the smooth surface and slashed at Naruto.

Naruto, not expecting this, screamed softly and leapt to the side, rolling when he hit the ground. His sword went up to meet Itachi's, and they clashed together loudly, making steel sing as they tried to force the other out of the lock.

Naruto strained against the other sword, his own blade inching closer and closer to his face. He was at a disadvantage; he attacked up from the ground, and was having gravity work against him. Itachi, in contrast, didn't even look like he was trying, forcing the one-handed sword down, pushing against the Biggoron sword, whilst looking blank and not even blinking.

"Kyuubi…" beads of sweat broke out of Naruto's brow as he tried to yell for the fairy through tightly clenched teeth. "Get…over here!" the Biggoron slipped downwards towards the ground slightly and Naruto doubled his efforts.

"But twerp, this is the fight of the century!" Kyuubi whined, before muttering, "although, technically, the fight of the century _would_ be you against Ganondorf…but this is a damn good second!"

"Kyuubi!" he shrieked as Itachi finally managed to break Naruto's guard, Biggoron's sword nearly clattering to the ground. Naruto tightened his grip as it almost slipped through his fingers and rolled out of the way, just in time before Itachi brought his sword down in a horizontal arc.

Naruto quickly reached inside his kunai pouch, withdrawing his spell, Din's Fire. "Let's see you dodge this!" he yelled, his palms glowing with the magical flame. He forced his hand down, Din's Fire brimming up and moving out as a wall. Itachi swung his sword horizontally, dispersing the wall.

Naruto paled as Din's Fire faded away, hastening over to Kyuubi's chair. "Help me fight him!" he whined. "You're my guardian fairy! You're supposed to help me with these things!"

"Look, twerp, most guardian fairies get stuck with the little tasks, like tucking their twerp into bed or wiping their nose for them," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "You're damn lucky I do this much, really. Getting used as an auto-target and getting picked on by Goddesses sure as hell wasn't in my contract."

"Kyuubi!" Naruto yelled, ducking behind his chair. Itachi had spotted Naruto and swooped down on the both of them gracefully, sending his blade crashing down. Kyuubi stared in shock and horror at his chair, which was split precisely down the middle – where he had been lying seconds before, and where his popcorn now lay scattered across the ground, littering the pale water.

"You bitch!" Kyuubi shouted in frustration, flying up off his chair. Itachi slashed at Naruto, who had tried to hide behind part of the chair. Naruto rolled forward and took off running again.

"You saw that," he panted, Kyuubi flying alongside him. "This is personal for you now, right? You'll help me?"

"You know it!" he said, reaching for something. "Let's see how he deals with _this!_"

Expecting Kyuubi's all-powerful spork, Naruto's expression brightened when he saw Kyuubi whip something out seemingly from nowhere. The fairy raised it to his ear, eyes narrowed dangerously, and –

'Pop Goes the Weasel' rang out, echoing across the endless room. Itachi paused and whipped out his cell phone, holding up a finger. "This shouldn't take long," he told Naruto. He flipped it open. "Speak."

"Hello, son," Kyuubi cooed into his own phone, disguising his voice quite well. Naruto blinked and turned to look behind him. Kyuubi raised a finger to his lips, hiding behind him.

"Mother?" Itachi blinked. "I killed you."

"Ah, yes you did, but that doesn't mean you should forget to eat, young man!" Kyuubi chastised. "A healthy ninja needs his vitamins!"

Itachi sighed lightly. "Yes, mother. I'll be sure to eat."

"Oh, but honey, I don't trust you to eat a good, solid meal!" Kyuubi fretted. "I want you come straight home! I've cooked up a big meal for you and your brother."

Itachi frowned. "One moment, mother. There's something I need to check."

"Now what could possibly be more important than your dear mo…"Kyuubi trailed off when Itachi peered around Naruto, staring at him. The fairy gave him a sheepish grin. "Hi, honey."

Itachi shut his cell phone and tucked it away. "I'll have to call you back," he said, voice monotone.

"Run, twerp!" Kyuubi grabbed his hat and yanked him backwards, and luckily his timing was perfect. Naruto bent backwards as Itachi's blade whizzed an inch away from the tip of his nose. His blue eyes were extremely wide as he flipped backwards and began running.

"You saved my life!" he said gratefully. Kyuubi waved a hand.

"It was nothing," he said modestly. "Given how little your life is worth, that's close to the truth."

Naruto scowled and withdrew his bow. Kyuubi took his cue and whizzed over to Itachi, who ignored the glowing ball and continued to chase after the blonde. Naruto let loose a stream of arrows, which automatically shot at Itachi. Well, they technically shot at Kyuubi, but he was close enough to Itachi.

Itachi stopped to a sudden halt and whipped out his sword again. In one smooth movement, he twisted the sword in a circular motion, cutting off all the arrowheads swiftly. They clattered uselessly to the ground, and Kyuubi's jaw dropped.

"Damn, he's good," he gaped. Itachi continued to chase the blonde, hands ready on the hilt of his sword. Naruto still ran, but unconsciously slowed down immensely when Itachi rendered his arrows useless.

Itachi gained on him in no time, knocking him down with a quick punch. In the same movement, he knocked the Biggoron sword loose from his grip, sending it flying across the room. It clattered to the ground, sending ripples through the smooth, glassy surface of the water. The murderer shoved his sword tip under Naruto chin, making the blonde gulp audibly.

"Die," Itachi said simply, drawing his sword back slightly, about to drive it through Naruto's neck, when –

"Wait!" Iruka, flanked by the security team, rushed on screen, Iruka waving his arms, an indication for Itachi to stop.

"What now?" Itachi asked bitterly. "I'm busy."

"Uh, message from the director," Iruka gulped nervously at the look the Uchiha was giving him. "Uh, the director says, and I quote, 'Dark Link, I swear to whichever deity I currently worship that if you break your contract, I will send everyone I possibly can, hunt you down, and kill you myself. Shut up Princess, I don't particularly care who kills him, but if he breaks his contract I guarantee a swift, yet painful, death.' End quote."

"My contract?" Itachi repeated. Iruka nodded.

"I have a copy of it here," he held out a formal-looking sheet of paper. "Also, the director told me to say, and I quote, 'If you would be so kind as to turn your attention to you're the very first clause, under Dark Link requirements, it states that Dark Link, hereafter referred to as subject 'D', _must_ lose to the main character, hereafter referred to as subject 'H'. In the event that subject 'D' is unwilling to lose to subject 'H', the director, hereafter referred to as subject 'X', is at liberty to put subject 'D' to death.' End quote."

Itachi blinked. "In other words," he pointed to himself, "you want _me_," he pointed at Naruto, "to lose to a dead last like _him_."

"Uh, yes?" Iruka tugged at his collar anxiously.

"You've got to be kidding me," his crimson eyes narrowed. "I refuse."

"It's in your contract," Genma piped up, before cowering behind Raidou. Raidou, looking alarmed, attempted to cower behind Genma, who in turn went to cower behind Raidou. The result was the both of them walking around in a stupid and pointless circle, ducking behind each other.

"It's the director's orders, I'm afraid," Iruka offered an apologetic smile.

"Well, I won't do it," Itachi said, voice raising a bit in volume and growing higher. "I refuse to lose to a dead last who's best friends with my foolish little brother. It goes against everything in my character!"

"Now, don't go throwing a bitch-fit," Raidou said nervously.

"I am NOT throwing a bitch-fit!" Itachi yelled, stamping his foot a little and flushing red angrily. Everyone simply blinked at him. Itachi took a deep breath, smoothing his hair back.

"I'll be in my trailer," he said haughtily, marching off. "Consider this your victory, dead last," he sneered at Naruto, who was still lying on the ground.

"Oh, thank Din, we weren't need after all!" Genma said joyfully, grabbing Raidou. "Let's go back to looting Konohamaru's trailer! I hear his masseuse should be coming around soon!"

Iruka and the security team left. Naruto rubbed his head, getting to his feet slowly. Kyuubi helped him up, tugging on his hand.

"I can't believe I actually missed out on watching that," Kyuubi shook his head, disappointed. "That was one hell of a show."

Naruto gave him a strange look. "Uh, you were _in_ the battle, Kyuubi. You didn't miss anything."

Kyuubi waved a hand. "Uh, yeah, I did. In case you forgot, my popcorn, soda, and liquorice were all destroyed, not to mention my chair. That's the _only_ way to watch a battle of life and death, twerp. You have so much to learn…"

Slowly, the pale sky and glass water faded away, revealing a simple, empty room with shallow water around Naruto's feet. He blinked, and Kyuubi let out a soft 'Oh!' of realization.

"Well, that explains a lot," he snapped his fingers. "It was an illusion. I know they couldn't fit an endless room in a Temple…"

At the snap of Kyuubi's fingers, a stagehand rushed on screen, but Kyuubi shooed him off. "I wasn't calling you, get back to whatever you were doing…"

As if it had only just occurred to him that he had won the battle, Naruto let out a huge sigh of relief, a wide grin breaking out on his face. "Well, thank Nayru _that's_ over! The bars on the doors lifted, too!"

Naruto ran over to the door, the distance across the room seeming a lot shorter with the walls visible. He threw open the door, eyes growing wide and sparkly.

"A treasure chest," he said happily. "It was worth fighting Itachi for it!"

"Only because he had to lose, according to his contract," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Makes me question if your dumb luck from chapter nineteen ever really went away. I wouldn't put it past the Goddesses…" he gave the ceiling a warning look.

"What the…it's just a Hookshot!" Naruto frowned. "What a rip-off. I already have one of those…"

"You idiot, that's the Longshot," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "It has double the range of your pathetic little Hookshot. You can reach a whole bunch of things and places in the Temple now."

Naruto considered this. "So it's an upgraded Hookshot?" he furrowed his brow. "Well, that still sucks. I was expecting some all-powerful weapon of awesome-ness and destruction. All this can do is stun things and hook onto things and occasionally kill things, depending on the enemy…"

"Would you quit whining?" Kyuubi whipped his hand over Naruto's head. The blonde clutched the top of his head, giving Kyuubi a dirty look. "It's new, therefore it is good. Now can you turn your attention to the Time block behind the chest?" he pointed at the blue block in the floor. Naruto obediently quit whining and played the Song of Time.

The block vanished, leaving a hole in the ground. "Jump down," Kyuubi advised. "It's like the hole back in the room where we saw Ruto. You'll land fine."

Naruto took a deep breath and jumped. Due to game mechanics, Kyuubi was right – Naruto landed gracefully on his feet. Kyuubi peeked his head down and flew in after him, frowning.

"That's it?" Kyuubi demanded. "Come on, that was a perfect opening! I see, if it's not Kyuubi who's suffering, it doesn't matter, is that it? Authors…" he grumbled, rolling his eyes. He looked startled when Naruto suddenly jumped up, bottling him quickly.

"Looks like I have to do some more swimming, so I'm putting you back in your bottle," he informed the fairy. Kyuubi gave him a flat look, lounging against the sides of his glass prison.

"Really," he drawled. "I hadn't noticed. You bottled me so subtly."

"Thanks," Naruto replied cheerfully. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and gave a resigned sigh.

The room was a curvy, watery stream in a serpentine shape, and whirlpools littered the water, making ominous suction sounds.

"Don't put on your Iron boots," Kyuubi warned. "That'll only give you more weight to drag you down."

"Are you sure?" Naruto asked nervously. "I mean…won't it be hard to get around them without the boots?"

"Trust me on this, twerp."

Naruto hesitated before shaking his head. "No, I think I should wear my boots," he jumped into the water, equipping the Iron boots. Kyuubi slapped his forehead.

"You idiot, I know what I'm doing! Listen to me!" he said urgently. Naruto ignored him, looking uneasy as he waded through the water, following the current. The water was moving quickly, not giving him much time to think – not that it mattered much, since it _was_ Naruto. Thinking was one of those 'drastic measures' he only did in rare situations.

He didn't make it past the first whirlpool. The vortex caught the heavy Iron boot, pulling him in with a crushing force. Naruto shrieked, attempting futilely to jerk his leg out of reach. The whirlpool only seemed to pull him closer with more insistence, dragging Naruto completely under the water.

"Take off the Iron boots!" Kyuubi hollered over the loud rush of water. Naruto began to turn blue, obeying Kyuubi and desperately wrenching off the heavy boots. It seemed too late, however – Naruto was being drawn in closer and closer to the endless bottom of the swirling current.

"You stupid – if you'd listened to me in the first place, this wouldn't be happening!" Kyuubi sounded hysterical, pounding on the glass with his tiny, non-existent fists. "Damn it, if I weren't in this stupid bottle…"

Tears sprung to Naruto's eyes, the salt water quickly being washed away as it mingled with the water. Kyuubi yelled in frustration, taking out his spork and smashing it against the walls of his tiny prison. The bottle broke, the glass being sucked in promptly by the whirlpool. Kyuubi sprung up from the water gracefully before the vortex could seize him, sending water droplets spraying from his heavy wings.

"Come on, you damn brat!" Kyuubi hollered, flapping his wings frenetically to keep himself up and pulling with all his might on Naruto's hat. Slowly but surely, Naruto was being pulled away from the whirlpool, like tugging on an anchor. Kyuubi panted slightly, sweating with exertion, desperately trying to reach the end of the curved hallway.

With an odd sound like a suction cup, Naruto fell free of the whirlpool, and Kyuubi was flung backwards from the sudden lack of pressure, dragging his charge with him. He expertly weaved around the spiralling currents, nearly being caught by another few, still beating his wings crazily to support both his own and Naruto's weight.

The two of them fell with a loud thud against a small platform jutting out from the wall, and Kyuubi collapsed onto it, breathing heavily as water pinned his fragile wings to the floor. Naruto coughed water up from his lungs, also breathing hard and hanging onto the platform. He dragged himself up, careful to avoid crushing Kyuubi, and leaned against the wall, mopping water from his forehead and squeezing out his hat.

Once Kyuubi regained his ability to breathe – which took a frighteningly long amount of time – he snapped, "First off, _listen to me_ next time I tell you not to do something. Second, you're wearing a Din-damned Zora Tunic! You can breathe underwater, you idiot!"

The look of almost horrified realization passed over Naruto's face, indicating that he had, indeed, forgotten he could breathe.

"Yeah, well, you broke my bottle!" Naruto retorted, feeling guilty even as the words left his mouth.

"I broke your bottle," Kyuubi repeated numbly. "Need I remind you that if I hadn't, you'd be dead. Not to mention that I _broke your bottle_ to save you. This means I have no protection against the water now, and I had to fly out of the water afterwards and somehow fly while wet and avoid getting sucked in myself, _and_ I managed to do practically the impossible because I don't have hands!"

"It's always logic with you," Naruto muttered, crossing his arms.

"Besides, " Kyuubi mumbled. "You really worried me back there."

"What?" Naruto said distractedly. "Sorry, what did you just say?"

"Nothing, you damned twerp!" Kyuubi hollered. "Now find another empty bottle, shoot that damn eye switch, and get the damned key we came here for!" he pointed at the small treasure chest behind makeshift wooden bars.

"Yes, sir," Naruto said meekly, looking around for another bottle. "…And, uh, don't worry about the bottle. I'm sure I can find another one, or I can buy a new one, or something. Oh, and you don't have to pay for it or anything."

"Damn right I don't have to pay. See if I ever save you again if this is all the thanks I get..."

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Naruto looked up. "Wow," he said, mildly impressed. "I think that's the longest the author has ever gone without putting a time-lapse line."

"Maybe we counted wrong," Kyuubi said from inside his bottle, clearly bored. "You sure she didn't use one to skip over…I don't know, your fight with Dark Link, or something?"

"The author never skips things that are _that_ important," Naruto shook his head, before pausing. "…Well, okay, she hardly ever does."

They had entered a section of a room they had already gone through, although it wasn't any less intimidating; Tektites waited, scattered on the water's surface and waiting to pounce. Whirlpools at the ends of either side pulled the water towards it in a quick current, and periodically a boulder would fall from above from a short waterfall, being pulled by the currents into the vortexes and sucked away into oblivion. Naruto stood right by the waterfall, waiting for a boulder to pass, giving him the opportunity to dive below the waterfall into the next room.

"Alright, just wait for it…and go…_now_," Kyuubi instructed, and Naruto complied, the boulder not quite grazing him as he started back towards the waterfall. Kyuubi smirked. "Now, aren't you glad you saw the error of your ways and started listening to me?"

"I guess so," Naruto admitted. "I'm mostly listening to you out of guilt, though. You also have a Guidebook."

"Yeah, I actually don't have one," Kyuubi said brightly. "I actually lied about that ages ago. I just stapled a fancy shiny cover and some black pages to make you shut up and listen to me. Guilt works too, though."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "_What?_"

"Good thing I always turned out to be right anyway, huh, twerp?" Kyuubi said, almost cheerfully. Naruto sputtered indignantly, but rather than say anything just looked slightly put out as he equipped the Iron boots and sank to the bottom. A clam snapped at his heels, turning around and clamping it's shell shut to protect it's fleshy muscle.

"EVIL CLAM CREATURE!" Naruto screeched, startled, withdrawing his Longshot and killing it promptly. It's shell fell apart and faded away, the Longshot's hook sticking like a harpoon in the muscle. Naruto yanked it out, and the clam disappeared in a flurry of red water. Naruto grimaced, picking off pink fleshy tissue that remained stuck of his Longshot.

"That is so disgusting," he said decisively, a pinched look of disgust on his face. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Get used to it, twerp, you kill monsters for a living," he said, raising his eyebrows. "Since when have you been such a wimp? Or have you always been and I just got so used to it I forgot?"

"Shut up," Naruto pouted, swimming up to the top to the next room. He unlocked the door with his last remaining small key and opened the door. Inside was a single gaudy blue and gold chest – like all the other boss key chests – flanked by two pots in the corners of the room.

"Finally!" Naruto said joyfully, reaching inside and pulling out the golden key. He frowned. "You know, it doesn't make sense that you would put a key to the Boss's chambers inside the same Temple."

Kyuubi blinked. "Uh, twerp?"

"Now that I think of it," he frowned, "not much about these Temples make sense. I mean, why would you put the one weapon that happens to be your weakness inside your own Temple? That doesn't make any sense at all. It's like _handing_ the hero your weakness on a golden platter."

"Twerp…" Kyuubi said more pressingly, giving him a meaningful look. "I wouldn't question…"

"And why do the enemies always come back after I kill them?" Naruto continued, speaking more and more quickly. "Why are they there in the first place? Do they just wait for someone to come in so they can attack? Is that their sole purpose in life? Why do only stronger, but not impossibly strong, enemies guard the important items? Wouldn't it be better to have the Boss guard it? Or a whole bunch of enemies?"

"Kid, quit questioning how things work," Kyuubi advised, eyeing someone – or something – off screen warily.

"Why put keys in the Temple at all?" Naruto was getting louder, looking more and more concerned and questioning. "Why put a map of it inside? Why put a compass? Why would they have pots filled with things to restock your weapons? Why -"

Naruto didn't manage to finish his sentence, as he was promptly knocked out by a large man in a black suit and sunglasses. Another man nearly identical to the first picked up the unconscious blonde and dragged him off screen. Kyuubi, inside his bottle, sighed.

"Gaming police. The one time they're actually working, and he goes and tries to uncover a conspiracy…why is luck always against me…?"

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Poor Kyuubi! Anyway, due to the fact that Naruto is currently…uh, indisposed, looks like Morpha will be next chapter! …Of course, not that I planned it that way…(nervous chuckle)

Look, I still have my security team, and the gaming police are still here. Do you honestly want to question me? …Yeah, I didn't think so.

Well, any guesses for Morpha? Some of you have already guessed – and correctly – but any guesses anyway?


	27. There's a Psychiatric Ward For That

Alright! This time to do my disclaimer I have the Hokage herself, Tsunade!

Tsunade: LON doesn't own Naruto and Nintendo, and the odds that she ever will own either aren't good…

Well, you didn't need to put it quite like _that_…but you heard her! So all you lawyers back off, or I'll sic Tsunade on your legal asses!

Tsunade: …Ex_cuse_ me? I'm the Hokage, kid! You can't 'sic' me on anyone unless I _want_ to beat them up!

(Wide eyes) Touchy, touchy…alright, thanking time! **Katterree Fengari**, **fox-of-konoha**, **korrd**, **Megaolix**, and **IrishGal893 **– I thank you guys!

Oh, and I haven't been shamelessly advertising myself! I wrote a quick side story to Ocarina of Konoha – if you'd care to recall a small part from chapter twenty-one, Kyuubi's 'I Feel Witty' has been written and posted! It's a quick one-shot song parody.

Now, it's chapter time! The end of the Water Temple! Now THAT'S something to celebrate!

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"Twerp, snap out of it," Kyuubi groaned for the thirty-eighth time. It was the thirty-eighth because the counter in the top left corner read 'Kyuubi whining counter: 38'. "Naruto, I swear -"

"Who is this Naruto you speak of?" the blonde sniffed. "I am Link, the Hero of Time!"

"No, you aren't," Kyuubi said firmly, shaking him hard. "You're Naruto Uzumaki, the world's stupidest ninja who wants to somehow beat all the odds and become Hokage. You're annoying, you say the word 'dattebayo' at random, pointless intervals, and you're obsessed with your way of the ninja."

Naruto blinked. Kyuubi looked expectant.

"…I am Link, Hero of Time!" Naruto exclaimed, jumping up enthusiastically. Kyuubi made a noise like an angry cat and hit his head against a wall.

"Come along, Navi!" Naruto grabbed Kyuubi and pointed at the Boss room door, which was locked with thick golden chains. A ramp lead up to the room, with spiky steel traps moving back and forth along the ramp. "The Temple boss lies within!"

"Navi?" Kyuubi repeated in horror. "Damn it, twerp, I'm Kyuubi, remember? Navi is Link's stupid, annoying, blue, _female_ fairy."

Naruto blinked. "You're male?"

"_Yes_," Kyuubi hissed vehemently.

"I didn't realize," Naruto frowned, looking apologetic. "I just naturally assumed, with you being a fairy, and being pink…"

"I'm RED!" Kyuubi hollered. "RED, damn it! A MANLY colour! MALE! _Not_ pink!" Kyuubi trailed off, grumbling murderously under his breath.

"Forgive me for my mistake, Navi," Naruto said sincerely. "Now, can we continue forth to the Boss's chambers? I must help Ruto free her people, and awaken the Sage of Water!"

"Damn, when did you become such a goody-goody?" Kyuubi spat in disgust. "Twerp, you aren't Link. The gaming police came and knocked you out and did something funny to your head. You're just some ninja from a completely different story brought into this stupid parody."

"I'm afraid I don't understand you, Navi," Naruto shook his head. "Come! We must make our way to the door, dodging the steel traps and avoiding sliding down the ramp! I relish the challenge!"

Kyuubi blinked. "You _relish_ the challenge? Who actually _talks_ like that? The challenge can be whatever condiment you want it to be, but that won't make it any easier, twerp."

Naruto wasn't listening; he was already halfway up the slope, somehow managing to time his steps so that he could avoid the traps. Kyuubi was so surprised that he almost forgot to keep flapping his wings. He dropped a bit, before coming to his senses and flapping his wings frantically.

"Twerp, seriously, are you okay?" Kyuubi asked seriously. "Did they hit you on the head, or something?"

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about, Navi," Naruto laughed, turning the Boss key in the lock and letting the chains fall apart. "I'm sorry I'm worrying you, though."

Kyuubi let out a frustrated yell. "Damn it, twerp! Could you act any more out of character?"

"There's always a way you could try to bring him back to normal," Haku piped up. Kyuubi blinked.

"Damn it, do you _ever_ appear normally?" he complained. "You aren't even supposed to be here!"

Haku frowned. "But I'm above water this time. Therefore it makes sense."

Kyuubi just gaped at him. "No it…you know what, screw it. What do you want, Sheik?"

"I just dropped by to recommend a way to bring Naruto back to normal," Haku held up a book labelled 'By the Goddesses! An Introduction to Triforcism.' "It's the religion that's sweeping all of Hyrule! It's based on the theory that three Goddesses called Din, Nayru, and Farore exist."

Kyuubi blinked. "Uh, we already know that they exist. They pick on me for fun."

"Then you're the perfect candidate for taking up Triforcism!" Haku pressed the book into Kyuubi's hands. "I recommend you read it. You may be able to bring Naruto back to his former self when you do, and maybe even achieve enlightenment."

With that, Haku mysteriously vanished. Kyuubi shrugged and flipped open the book.

"Chapter one; how you know the Goddesses are trying to contact you…" he murmured, drifting inside the boss chamber.

It was seemingly an empty room, the base of the walls lined with sharp spikes. In the middle of the room was a giant pool filled with sapphire water, with four evenly spaced platforms. Nothing moved, and the atmosphere was eerily heavy.

Kyuubi barely even looked up from his book when he knocked the book against the back of Naruto's head, not paying attention where he was going. "Oh. Sorry," he said vaguely.

Naruto shook his head and rubbed the back. "Ow…" he whined, before blinking his bright blue eyes. "What the…Kyuubi, is this the boss's room? What happened?"

"Uh, yeah," Kyuubi waved a hand, not noticing that Naruto seemed to be himself again. Naruto shrugged lightly, taking a look around the room.

"There's nothing here," he observed, looking pensive…or as pensive as Naruto could possibly look. He began walking forward to get a better look around. He peered into the bright blue liquid, looking almost sceptical.

"That water doesn't look quite right," he frowned. "It's too blue. Kyuubi, do you think this is real water?"

"Sure," Kyuubi said distractedly, avidly turning the pages of his book. Naruto rolled his eyes in exasperation and moved to stand up straight, but slipped and fell in.

"ACK!" he sputtered, spitting out some water he had taken into his mouth by accident when he hit the water. "Ugh! This water tastes disgusting!"

Still spitting, Naruto swam over to one of the platforms, pulling himself up and shaking himself like a dog.

"And we're back to the dog references…" Kiba growled from the audience.

"Oh, get over it," Sakura rolled her eyes from where she was sitting nearby. Kiba turned around in his chair.

"Aren't you supposed to be in your little Sage chamber or something?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Uh, duh. Where do think we are?" Sakura waved a hand. Kiba blinked. "You mean you never noticed that the audience was in the Sacred Realm?"

"The Chamber of the Sages is in the Sacred Realm?" Kiba frowned. Shino hit him lightly.

"Start paying attention," he said smoothly.

"Speaking of paying attention," Sakura indicated Naruto on screen pointedly. Both boys grumbled bitterly under their breath and went back to watching.

The screen was no longer showing Naruto. The camera seemed to be under the water itself, giving the readers a fish-eye view or the platform Naruto was standing on. The theme song from 'Jaws' began playing, rather predictably, as the camera rose straight out of the water…but the water followed it. Naruto turned and screeched.

"Shark!" He screamed girlishly, ducking behind his hands. Kisame frowned.

"No, I'm _Morpha_," he grinned, showing rows of sharp, pointed teeth. "I'm actually a red, squishy nucleus that manages to control this water, even though it's technically my own secretion and not water."

Naruto looked horrified. "I swam in that!" he said, turning bright green and gagging. "Oh, that's so gross…I think I'm going to be sick…"

Kisame merely cackled and lifted a hand. A tendril of solid-looking water rose up and wrapped itself around the blonde, whose eyes widened considerably as he started to struggle. As the tentacle began to swing him around, the words 'Giant Aquatic Amoeba Morpha' appeared at the bottom of the screen. They faded as Kisame released him, flinging him forcefully against the wall, almost directly into the spikes. Naruto managed to avoid the spikes on the rebound, although he cracked his head against the wall with a pained groan.

"Ugh…" he moaned, rubbing the back of his head. "Where…Morpha?" Naruto's eyes narrowed slightly and he grinned. "I see. We shall do battle then!"

Kyuubi, from his corner, made a sound of interest as he closed his book. "I have seen the light," he said, sounding awed. He blinked owlishly at Naruto. "Twerp? How are you holding up?"

"Ah, Navi!" the blonde sounded thrilled. "Will you join me in my battle against the evil Morpha? Your aid will surely help me take him down!"

"Still think you're Link, then," Kyuubi sighed. "You see, my young charge, I believe I have just the thing that can bring you out of this identity crisis."

"Hmm?" Naruto blinked. "What do you speak of?"

"The Goddesses, my young friend. The Goddesses," Kyuubi nodded, closing his eyes. "If you look to the Goddesses for guidance, they will lead you back down the path to yourself."

"I see," Naruto nodded, but looking more than just a bit confused. He shook his head slightly. "Navi, I wish to use the Z-Targeting system. Will you -"

"I understand what you are asking," Kyuubi said solemnly, crossing his legs and getting into a meditation pose. "However, you will never find your own strength if you are relying on me."

"But…" Naruto sputtered. "I must defeat Morpha, for the sake of Ruto and the Zoras!"

Kyuubi shook his head. "If you are not fighting for the Goddesses, it is not a battle worth fighting. Please, join me in meditation." With that, Kyuubi shut his eyes and began chanting lowly, "Diiiiiiin…Naaaayruuuu…Faaaaroooore…"

Naruto gave him an odd look and refocused on the fight. He stood back in a far corner, twisting out of range of another watery tendril reaching and straining for him, almost brushing against his feet. Naruto gave Kisame, who was bobbing up and down around the tendril, a set look, drawing his Longshot.

"Alright then," he said, an odd smirk on his face. "I'll do this on my own." He pulled the trigger of his Longshot, aiming it directly at the shark-man.

Kisame's eyes widened in the spilt second he registered the harpoon-like hook coming at him rapidly. He barely had time to react before it drew him in unwillingly, and he tried to thrash about to get back in the water. Naruto drew his Biggoron sword with a smirk, slashing at him quickly. The pain seemed to jolt Kisame free; he jumped back into the water with a loud splash.

Naruto grinned roguishly and drew out his Longshot again, keeping it trained on Kisame. "Morpha, you know as well as I do that you don't have a chance," he called. "Why bother fighting at all?"

Kisame blinked. "Because then you would just kill me, and that would be stupid," he replied. "Besides, not only am I a monster, technically I could be considered a non-playable character."

"A what?" Naruto blinked. "Character? What do you think this is, a video game? This is a battle of life and death, Morpha! If you can't take it seriously, then you don't stand a chance!"

Kisame gave him a disturbed look and reached out towards him with a tentacle of watery substance. "Okay then…" he curled it around Naruto's foot, jerking him forward and making him fall.

"Damn, that hurts," Naruto cursed, rubbing his head, before noticing Kisame straining forwards to get him. "ACK!" He scrambled backwards into a corner, squeezing his eyes shut up automatically pulling the Longshot trigger. It hooked into Kisame's arm – not a good shot, but it would do – and pulled him in closer to Naruto.

"AH!" he yelled again, seeing how close Kisame was. The shark-man looked alarmed and tried to get back to the water. He was almost there when Naruto realized that what he had just done was a perfect attacking opportunity. He bolted forward, sword in hand, but it was too late – Kisame jumped in the water, spinning his hands to form another tentacle.

"Damn it," he stomped his foot, running back to his corner. "Kyuubi, why aren't you helping?"

"…Naaaayruuuu…Faaaaroooore…" Kyuubi continued in the background, eyes still shut tightly and paying no mind to his charge's screaming, or the watery vine whipping right by him, almost grazing the tip of his wing.

Naruto exhaled in disgust and dodged another tendril, which was immediately followed by another one. Kisame slid up into the first one, watching Naruto like a hawk. Naruto gave a rather pointless yell as he shot his Longshot at him. Kisame laughed at the seemingly futile effort, before he felt himself being pulled out anyway. He frowned and looked at his arm. The hook had just barely grazed his arm, and had miraculously found a way to grab him anyway.

"Oh, come on!" he yelled angrily. "That's completely unfair! I thought that kind of thing only worked with arrows and when you shoot at Hookshot targets!"

"Well, I guess that makes you a Hookshot target," Naruto retorted, slashing at him with his Biggoron sword. Kisame howled and tried to leap back into the water, but for once Naruto was thinking quickly. The Longshot hook flew into Kisame's retreating back, pulling him in again.

"You can't do that!" Kisame roared, outraged.

Naruto shrugged. "Sure I can."

"No, you don't understand," Kisame sighed. "You can't do that in the game – it goes against the gaming laws!"

"Oh well," Naruto shrugged again, driving his Biggoron sword right through him. Kisame yelled loudly in pain, bringing his water up to him as he lifted in the air.

In the audience, Itachi hissed triumphantly, "_Yes!_"

Deidara, who was also sitting in the audience after his brief appearance in chapter twenty-four, frowned at the Uchiha. "Why are you doing that? Wasn't he your partner, un?"

Itachi blinked at him, slowly drawing his sword. Deidara threw up his hands defensively.

"I mean, I would never question you, Itachi," he stammered. Satisfied, Itachi sheathed his sword.

On screen, Kisame had seemingly dissolved, and the water began to evaporate, clinging to the ceiling as it shrunk. Finally, all that was left was one large drop of water, which fell to the floor and burst, leaving a portal where it fell.

"Yeah!" Naruto cheered, blissfully jumping down to the portal. Unfortunately, he slipped as he jumped, making him stumble and hit his head against the side. He fell to the ground ungracefully, landing with a loud crash. Naruto winced in pain.

"By the Goddesses, that hurt," he muttered. Kyuubi, who was still meditating, cracked an eye open.

"Did someone mention the Goddesses?" he blinked, drifting over to Naruto, who looked delighted to see him.

"Navi!" he cried joyfully, looking around. "The villain Morpha has been slain!"

Kyuubi blinked. "No, seriously, who talks like that?" He sighed heavily. "So you're still not yourself. Don't fear, twerp; I am looking to divine power to help you find your way."

"Uh, right," Naruto furrowed his brow. "Well, onward to the portal we go!" he scooped up the large Heart container and stepped into the blue light.

For reader interest, the final boot-switch count was '153', and the song counter was at '21'. The counters faded away as the bluish light engulfed the screen.

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"Took you damn long enough," Ino sniffed, tossing her long blonde hair behind a shoulder. "I was getting worried about you."

"I know, you were worrying about your future husband," Naruto sighed resignedly. Ino blinked.

"Well, yeah, I guess," she said slowly. "Who would deliver the message to Princess Zelda if you died, right?"

"You know I'm looking for Zelda?" Naruto looked surprised. "And…you're alright with that?"

"Uh, duh," Ino rolled her eyes. "I more than alright with that! The sooner you find Zelda, the sooner my wedding can be!"

"Look, Ruto," Naruto sighed. "You're a very nice girl, and I do like you, but I don't think there can be a wedding between us. For one thing, you are now the Sage of Water, and you must stay here."

"What?" Ino looked perplexed. Kyuubi rushed forward.

"Forgive him," he said hastily. "He's not quite himself right now. I am currently looking to the Goddesses for guidance, and he should be himself again in no time."

"Right," Ino said slowly. "Anyway…I can sense that Zelda's alive, so don't worry about that."

"We're just supposed to take your word for it, then," Naruto sighed. "How can you be sure?"

"Oh, please," she scoffed. "I'm a fangirl. It's one of my duties to know exactly where Zelda is at all times."

"Really? Where is the Princess, then?" Naruto asked. Ino looked shifty eyed.

"Uh, sorry, I can't tell you that," she said, sounding dodgy. "Classified information that only my kind are privy to. Now, take this Medallion."

A bright cobalt Medallion began lowering itself from the ceiling, held up by what appeared to be long strands of light blonde hair. Ino's jaw dropped indignantly.

"Hey!" she barked. "Who said you could use my hair?"

"Well, you weren't using it!" the stagehand lowering the Medallion called back. "You cut it off during the Chuunin exam! Besides, we still can't find a new rope…"

"How did you even get that?" Ino narrowed her eyes. The stagehand chuckled nervously.

"Well, I, uh…you know, I'm a big fan of yours…"

"Really?" she sounded flattered, and her voice dropped to more seductive tone. "Well…maybe we could work something out…if you wouldn't mind dropping by my trailer, of course."

The stagehand fumbled the string of hair, turning bright red.

"Uh, I hate to interrupt," Naruto said suddenly, drawing the attention back to himself. The stagehand shook his head to clear it and went back to lowering the Medallion into Naruto's waiting hands.

"Excellent," Naruto gave it a satisfied look before going to tuck it away. He blinked. "Where did I get these strange pouches from? Where is my inventory?"

"Just store it in that pouch for now, twerp," Kyuubi guided his hand gently. "I'm sure your inventory is around here somewhere."

"Of course…" Naruto looked confused and put the Medallion away. The screen began to go white, and Ino's voice piped up out of nowhere.

"Oh, and if you see Sheik, be sure to give him my thanks!"

"I don't think you should, twerp," Kyuubi muttered. "The rating of this parody isn't high enough for that."

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The scene shifted to Lake Hylia, where water was slowly filling into the lake. Haku overlooked to lake, a slight smile playing on his features…not that we could tell through his mask.

"As the water rises, the evil is vanishing from the lake…Naruto, you did it!" he turned to see Naruto warp in from nowhere, Kyuubi close behind. Haku gave him a grin. "Naruto, good to see you."

"Why does everyone call me that?" Naruto mumbled. "My name is Link, the Hero of Time…"

Haku didn't hear him. "Did Ruto want to thank me?" he inquired.

"Yes, she did," Naruto raised his head. Kyuubi quickly added onto his statement.

"However, you'll understand if we don't thank you for her," he said, giving Haku a meaningful look. He nodded.

"I not only understand, I think I'd prefer if you didn't," Haku said decisively. "However, I see that we must return peace to Hyrule, for her sake as well. Of course, by 'we' I mean 'you'."

"As it should be," Naruto nodded.

"Yes," Haku smiled wanly. "All is as it should be here, as well. Goodbye for now, Naruto, and Kyuubi." He stepped out of view and miraculously disappeared. Naruto blinked.

"He's gone!" he gasped.

"No he's not," Kyuubi blinked. "The Goddesses have shown me the way. He's right up there," he pointed at the top of an awkwardly placed, immensely tall, dead tree. Haku blinked, looking caught.

"Uh…no, I'm not?" he tried, backing away slightly.

"Yes, you are," Kyuubi insisted.

"Look over there! A ReDead!" Haku yelled, pointing wildly. Naruto screamed and Kyuubi whipped around, giving Haku the opportunity to dive into the water, relatively unnoticed.

Naruto sighed in relief. "Oh, thank Din. There is no ReDead," he grinned happily. "You know, I feel kind of funny. Like I was having some kind of identity crisis or something."

"Why only thank Din?" Kyuubi said sagely. "You must embrace the Goddesses as a whole; not one thing is one particular Goddess's doing."

"That's not what you used to say," Naruto frowned. "You used to say that the Goddesses picked on you, and you blame them for everything weird that happened."

"I have seen the way of light, my young twerp," Kyuubi said, bringing out his book of Triforcism. "Now you, too, can embrace the way of Triforcism. This book is now in stores for the low, low price of 29.95. Such a low price to pay for the absolute freedom of walking down the path of the Goddesses'."

"Are you okay, Kyuubi?" Naruto looked disturbed.

"Of course I am, and so are you, thanks to the divine guidance of the Goddesses," Kyuubi nodded. "In their wisdom, they have found a way to bring you back from your identity crisis of thinking you were Link."

"Actually, it's just my wisdom," Nayru piped up, sounding slightly smug but mostly modest.

"And you know, my power might've had something to do with that," Din's statement just came out as gleeful. "So, you took up Triforcism, huh?"

"We're so glad," Farore gushed. "That will probably make it even easier for us to continue on our little contest!"

Kyuubi froze. "What?"

"Yeah!" Din chirped. "Each person that practices Triforcism gives us more power! The fact that's it you makes it even better, too!"

"I see," Kyuubi said lowly.

"Thanks for the support, Kyuu!" Farore sounded thrilled.

"We were really touched," Nayru said sweetly. Kyuubi stayed silent.

"…I really do hate my life," he muttered sadly, throwing down the book, accidentally hitting Naruto on the head with it. The blonde shook his head, frowning, before it was replaced with a smile.

"Excellent! The curse has been lifted!" he said triumphantly. "Come along, Navi! To the next Temple!"

"I'm not Navi," Kyuubi sighed desperately. Naruto blinked.

"You must be," he frowned. "You're my fairy, aren't you? And _her_ name is Navi."

"I AM MALE!" Kyuubi hollered right in Naruto's ear, wilting. "I _hate_ my life."

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It was a short chapter, but at least it's done, right? Next chapter we're going back to Kakariko, back to the past, and back to insanity! YAY!

No new characters next chapter, but everyone's favourite crazy sensei/windmill guy returns!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Our operators are standing by.


	28. Never Lose Faith in Parodies

(Singing) Disclaimer time! And it's Shikamaru's turn!

Shikamaru: I don't want to. Doing your disclaimer would be too troublesome.

(Narrows eyes, which have suddenly turned bright, glowing red) YOU SHALL DO THE DISCLAIMER, PEON!

Shikamaru: (Sigh) Troublesome woman…LON doesn't own anything.

(Suddenly normal and happy) Now, was that so hard? My thanks goes out to **PrinceofDDR**! My story is listed in his C2, and I'm a member of the staff! Thanks, Prince!

I also make a point of NOT thanking everyone who reads and doesn't review! If you are one of these people, then…I don't know, phooey on you, or something.

Shikamaru: So troublesome. Just start the story.

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Naruto was contently humming something that sounded a lot like the Serenade of Water, nuzzling a quiver full of Fire arrows lovingly, being wary of the fire engulfing the tips. The arrowheads had burned right through the end of the quiver, rendering it mostly useless. Drifting behind him, looking lost and a bit angry, was Kyuubi, muttering to himself.

"It's like giving me hope before taking it away, just like that," he whispered lowly. "It's completely unfair. It's an injustice. Damn it, _I_ have always been the one to suffer in this story at _their_ hands. Well, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!"

At Kyuubi's sudden outburst, Naruto slipped, the flesh of his cheek hissing as it accidentally rubbed against the tip of a fire arrow. Whimpering and nursing his new wound, Naruto turned watery eyes on Kyuubi, who looked unsympathetic. "What?" Naruto asked anxiously. "What's wrong?"

"I have HAD it!" he yelled angrily, throwing up his hands. "I thought I had finally been offered the one thing that could save me from those sadistic, evil, manipulative -"

"Kyuu?" Din said, voice dangerously sweet. "You wouldn't be happening to talk about _us_, now would you? Your sweet, gentle Goddesses who wouldn't hurt a fly?"

"Although, a flying ball of light is different," Farore threatened. Kyuubi sneered.

"I don't care anymore!" he said with a hollow laugh. "You can threaten me, or pick on me, but I don't really care. You know why?"

There was a pause, before Nayru timidly inquired, "Why?"

"Because as of now, I quit," he said simply, taking out his book on Triforcism and ripping it soundly in half. "I am atheist. In fact, I'm so atheist, I don't believe in atheism! THAT'S how much I don't believe in you."

"W-What…" Farore stammered.

"Kyuu!" Din and Nayru chorused, devastated and worried respectively.

"You can't just stop believing we exist!" Farore cried. "We _do_ exist!"

"No, you don't," Kyuubi replied, filing his nails and not looked up.

"You just answered me!" Farore snapped.

"No, I didn't," Kyuubi smirked slightly. "Come on, twerp. We should get going – our next stop is Kakariko, isn't it?"

"Uh, yeah," Naruto nodded feverishly, looking quite baffled at the situation. He alternately looked between Kyuubi and the sky, looking uncertain.

"Well, let's go then," he said impatiently, grabbing Naruto's hat and pulling him forward. Naruto looked almost apologetically at the Goddesses, who fumed silently. Once they were a fair distance away, Farore spoke up angrily.

"Well, I say we fry the little fox," she said murderously, and storm clouds began darkening the sky, lightning crackling within them. "That ought to prove that we exist!"

"Oh, dear," Nayru said quietly, nervous and upset. "I agree that what he's doing is really rude, and a bit mean, but we can't just fry him!"

"Oh, relax," Farore huffed. "It's not like it would _kill_ him. He's immortal."

"I still don't think…" Nayru trailed off shyly, sniffling slightly.

"You know, I think I agree with Farore," Din said slowly.

"Din?" Nayru said, almost incredulous. "You would want to hurt our Kyuu?"

"Oh, no, not about that," Din said hastily, and part of the sky blushed darker crimson. "I don't want to hurt Kyuu, either. I meant the part about proving we exist…why not just rile him up a bit? Make it clear that we exist."

"I see," Farore sounded interested. "How do you propose we do that?"

"Proving my existence happens to be something of a _forte_ for me," Din said innocently, a tinge of wickedness in her voice. "They said Kakariko, didn't they…?"

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Naruto merrily hopped up the set of stairs leading to the village. Kyuubi, who was lying stretched out on his hat, was dozing lazily, trying to ignore the babblings of his charge.

"…Because I still don't remember much from the boss fight, but I figured I might as well try it anyway, so I shot at it…hey, Kyuubi, what's going on?"

Kyuubi cracked one eye open lethargically, taking a quick look around before shutting it again. Then suddenly as if he just registered what he had seen, he sat bolt upright, eyes wide. "What the hell happened here?"

Reddish ash hung heavy over Kakariko village, blackening the sky. Flames reached up, burning up the rooftops of the houses. The non-playable characters, as was their way, were looking around at the scenes of destruction with mild concern.

"Oh, Kyuu…" a familiar voice sang. Kyuubi's eyes widened.

"I cannot believe you," he said derisively. "That you would go to such lengths just to prove a point. Well, it's lucky that I can't believe you, because I _don't_ believe _in_ you!"

"Kyuubi!" Naruto began rushing around in a panic. "What do I do? What do I do? I'm a hero, so I'm supposed to help them, right?"

"Din, don't you think you may have gone a little too far -" Nayru piped up timidly, sounding fearful.

"No way! We're proving our existence here!" Farore cut her off, before bellowing, "THAT'S RIGHT, PITIFUL MORTALS! COWER BEFORE OUR POWER, NON-BELIVERS!"

"Oh, this is pathetic," Kyuubi muttered. Naruto looked around desperately before his expression lit up.

"The well! There's a well around here, right? We can put out the water with that!" he said excitedly, as a random character in the background burst into flame. He looked somewhat alarmed, and the woman beside him frowned.

"You should get that checked out," she recommended politely as he fell to the ground, sizzling and hacking up ash.

Naruto ran up to where he knew the well was, but stopped in his tracks quite suddenly. "Haku!" he said, sounding amazed. "You're here!"

"Get back, Naruto!" Haku warned frantically, staring down at the well in horror. "I didn't want to tell anyone…but I think…"

"Haku, what's wrong?" Naruto asked, sounding concerned and frightened. "Is something…?"

Haku turned around, shivering slightly with fear. "You see, there's this tape I watched seven days ago…" he began, voice shaking nervously.

"Wrong well, Sheik," Kyuubi said knowingly. "Don't worry, a lot of people make that mistake."

"It's the wrong well?" Haku said, sounding as if he wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not. "Are you sure?"

"Of course," Kyuubi nodded. "Have _you_ ever seen a television or a phone in Hyrule?"(1)

Haku smiled and gave a sigh of relief. "You're right," he wiped a hand across his forehead. Naruto looked confused.

"What are you guys talking about?" he inquired, furrowing his brow.

"Don't worry about it," Haku said. "If it's a different well, I don't think we have anything to worry about."

Just as the words left his mouth, the wooden arch over the well broke off, flying off into the air. Haku looked alarmed, and suddenly gasped soundlessly as something invisible seemed to pick him up and swing him around wildly. However, thanks to the fire, the wires glistened visibly. Kyuubi gave the stagehands a flat look, making them offer a helpless shrug.

Haku yelled as he was flung to the ground painfully, his bones crunching and cracking sickeningly on contact. Naruto flinched and ran over, not noticing a reddish-purple, fog-like shape emerge from the well, sliding up and over the houses, darting wispily over the sides of Death Mountain before turning back around to face – well, in a matter of speaking – the anxious looking blonde.

Following the strange mist-like creature, a pale girl in a sodden white dress and limp, shining black hair attempt to crawl out of the well, pulling herself up with jerky movements and swinging her heavily soaked hair out of her face. Another non-playable character burst into flame, running past the well in a frenzy, knocking her back in. (2)

The wispy purple creature suddenly rushed at the blonde ninja, while Kyuubi fluttered nervously around his head. Naruto's eyes went wide as he pulled out his shield to defend himself, the screen going black.

All that was heard during the black screen were Naruto's piercing yells, followed by the sympathetic groans of the audience. Somewhere, a referee yelled, "Three…two…one…and you're out of here! Loser, Naruto!" followed by a bell ringing three times.

Some colour began to come back into the screen, slowly panning down from the sky, which was flashing anxiously. However, despite the few depressingly grey clouds, the sky was clear, and thick raindrops began pouring down from the sky.

"I told you letting that thing loose was going too far," Nayru muttered, sounding surprisingly bitter. "Just look at them. Kakariko is practically demolished."

"Sorry," Din said softly, sounding sheepish. "I'll think twice before I set fire to an entire village next time…"

"I won't release any more creatures from hell, either," Farore grumbled. "I was just trying to prove a point, after all…"

Haku was kneeling over Naruto, who was still unconscious. Kyuubi hovered around the area, looking almost ill.

"He'll be okay, won't he?" he worried, dabbing at his eyes with a tissue. "He isn't too badly hurt, right?"

"He'll be fine," Haku soothed. Kyuubi gave him an almost accusing look.

"He better be," he snapped. "That would be completely unfair. _You_ broke practically every bone in your body, and you're miraculously _fine_."

"Uh, yeah," Haku looked uncomfortable. "Uh, I'm a Sheikah. Mysterious healing powers."

Naruto began to cough gently, and Kyuubi brightened quite literally. "Oh, thank the Goddesses he's alright…and speaking of the Goddesses," he said, a little quieter. He drifted further away from his charge, looking back anxiously at him, smiling slightly when the blonde began to sit up. "We need to talk."

The sky flashed colours, but the Goddesses were silent as he looked up at them sternly. Suddenly, he broke into a half-smile. "I can't believe you set an entire village on fire for me."

"Oh," Din sounded a bit surprised, and the sky flushed curiously. "Well, I, uh…you know, Goddess of Fire and all…" she trailed off with an embarrassed chuckle.

Kyuubi smirked slightly. "That _was_ pretty cool of you, to go all-out like that."

"R-Really?" Din sounded delighted. "Then…you're not mad?"

"Mad?" At this, Kyuubi laughed. "My dear, I used destroy villages for a living. I could hardly be angry after that rather impressive display. I never managed to make people spontaneously combust."

"What about me, Kyuu?" Nayru asked gently. "Um…are you mad at me?"

"Who could stay mad at you?" Kyuubi grinned lazily, shooting her a quick two-fingered salute. "However…"

"You're mad at me, then," Farore said in realization, trying to sound as if it didn't upset her that much. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes.

"You are aware that what you let out not only nearly killed my charge – not that I care," he added quickly, "but in all likelihood it retreated to some kind of dungeon that _we'll_ have to go through to kill."

"…Would it help if I said I was sorry?" Farore said finally.

"Sorry doesn't cut it," Kyuubi said decisively.

Farore was silent for a moment, when suddenly loud sniffling was heard. Kyuubi's ears perked up and his expression fell. "Oh, no…" he groaned.

Farore began sobbing gently, audibly sniffling as the rain began to fall faster, the droplets considerably bigger. One nearly landed on Kyuubi and he yelled, "Hey! Can't you aim those mini-water bombs?"

"K-Kyuu…" she cried. "H-How could y-you be s-so m-mean? I m-made a m-mistake and I'm r-really sorry! Can't you s-see that?" her sobs increased. Kyuubi paled.

"Alright!" Kyuubi said, panicking. "I forgive you! Just stop crying before you kill me!"

The sky brightened. "R-Really?" Farore sniffed hopefully. Kyuubi sighed.

"Yes, I forgive all of you," he grinned lazily. "_And_ I acknowledge that you exist, alright? Now can we just go on with our lives as usual?"

Farore giggled happily, and Din joined in. "Yay! Kyuubi forgives us!" they trilled.

"Now we can keep going with our contest without feeling really, horribly guilty!" Din gushed.

Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "Hold on. You're STILL going on with that contest?"

"Kyuu, your child is fully awake now," Nayru pointed out. Kyuubi blinked his wide eyes and immediately zoomed over, wringing his hands and looking very much like a worried mother.

"Twerp? Are you okay? Are you badly hurt? Are you burned? Did you recover? Did you drink anything? Did you swallow any water because _someone_ left you face-up in the rain?" he gave Haku a menacing glare, and the pretty boy just chuckled sheepishly.

"I coughed all the water out of my lungs," Naruto smiled brightly. "Don't worry, Kyuubi."

Kyuubi froze. "Worry? Who said anything about worrying?" he snapped. "I couldn't care less whether you lived or died. In fact, I'd probably be better off if you got it over with and committed suicide now, you stupid brat…"

Kyuubi continued rambling under his breath, and Haku turned back to Naruto. "Naruto, a terrible thing has happened. The evil shadow spirit sealed at the bottom of the well has been released. This is obviously the work of Ganondorf."

At this, Kyuubi gave a meaningful glare at the heavens. Farore made an apologetic noise.

"Impa, the leader of this village, had sealed him there long ago," Haku continued, not noticing Kyuubi. Naruto listened avidly. "However, the force of the evil spirit got so strong that the seal broke free, and it escaped into the world. I believe Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it again, but she'll be in danger without any help."

"Hold on…Kakashi-sensei is alive?" Naruto gasped. Haku nodded.

"Well then, it looks like you lost yourself a title," Kyuubi smirked. Haku blinked.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You introduced yourself as the survivor of the Sheikah, right?" Haku nodded, and Kyuubi continued doggedly, "Then if Impa's alive, you aren't the survivor anymore."

"Oh, no, I still am," Haku said quickly giving Kyuubi a strange look.

"But Impa's alive," Kyuubi pointed out slowly. Haku nodded.

"Yeah, so?" Haku shrugged. Kyuubi gave him a disturbed look and shook his head slightly.

"Just…forget I said anything, then," he said finally, rolling his eyes and muttering about stupid non-playable characters and their twisted logic, not noticing the irony of his own twisted logic.

"Naruto, you must destroy the evil shadow spirit and save the sixth Sage, Impa," Haku said seriously. Naruto blinked.

"Kakashi-sensei's the sixth Sage?" he squeaked. Haku looked mildly surprised, before thinking about what he just said and hitting himself on the head.

"Damn it," he cursed. "I _told_ them I wasn't any good at this role, but _no_…they insist on telling me _all_ the secrets and making _me_ tell the hero what to do…" he groaned. "Next I'll let it slip that they need to find the item at the bottom of the well…"

"There's an item at the bottom of the well?" Naruto exclaimed, directly behind Haku. The masked boy yelped and jumped in the air, landing gracefully and turning to face Naruto.

"Don't _do_ that!" he shouted, fanning himself slightly. "By the Goddesses…"

"Sorry," Naruto apologized. "There's an item at the bottom of the well?"

"No," Haku denied, looking shifty-eyed. "What made you think so?"

"Oh," Naruto shrugged. "I guess if there's nothing there, I won't go."

"No, you should go!" Haku said hastily, startled. Naruto grinned triumphantly.

"So there is something, then!" he looked gleefully smug.

"I didn't say that!"

"Yes, you did!"

"When?"

"Before."

"Naruto…" Kyuubi sighed, trying to get his attention.

"Well, there isn't anything."

"Alright then, I won't go."

"No, you should go…uh, just in case."

"Just in case of what?"

"In case there's an item that you need!"

"Ha! So there's an item!"

"_No!_"

"Sheik!" Kyuubi tried.

"You just said there was."

"No, I said _just in case_ there's an item that you need!"

"What item could I possibly need?"

"The Lens of Truth!"

"The what?"

"_Damn_ it!"

"What does the Lens of Truth do?"

"Nothing!"

"So there _is_ a Lens of Truth, then!"

"No!"

"Kyuubi!" Kyuubi yelled, trying to get their attention. He blinked. "Wait, that's me…"

"Then why should I go to the bottom of the well?

"There might be something there!"

"The Lens of Truth?"

"I never said that!"

"What does it do?"

"_Nothing!_"

"Well, if it doesn't _do_ anything, why do I need it?"

"TWERPS!" Kyuubi roared suddenly, cutting them off. Both boys turned slowly to look at him. Kyuubi exhaled and wiped a hand across his brow. "Didn't you have a song to teach him, or something?" Kyuubi said tersely. Haku blinked.

"Oh, right," he said, bringing out his harp. "There's an entrance to the Shadow Temple beneath Kakariko's graveyard. This is the melody that will draw you into the infinite darkness that absorbs even time; the Nocturne of Shadow."

Rather than get out his Ocarina, Naruto looked considering. Haku sighed. "What?"

"You said 'even time', right?" Naruto mused. "Does that mean I'll have to go back in time?"

Haku looked caught. "What? Ah, no."

"Oh, I won't then."

"Wait, you should go back in time."

"So I need to?"

"I didn't say that!"

"DON'T START!" Kyuubi yelled, seething. He gave both boys a dark look of warning, making them both gulp. Naruto brought out his Ocarina, looking warily at his guardian fairy.

"You're fairy is kind of intimidating," Haku muttered. Naruto nodded.

"He is scary, isn't he?" Naruto whispered back conversationally. Haku frowned.

"I didn't say _that_…"

"You said he was intimidating."

"So?"

"So that's the same thing!"

"It is not…"

The two began bickering again, and Kyuubi raised an eyebrow at the sky. "I don't suppose this is your doing?" he asked flatly, indicating the two.

"Okay, maybe," Din giggled. Kyuubi sighed heavily.

"Glad everything's back to normal," he muttered dryly.

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Naruto took a deep, slow breath, closing his eyes and mustering all the courage humanly within him. He slowly began counting to ten, hand on the doorknob, ready to turn it and yank the door open.

"One…"

Kyuubi waited. Naruto blinked very slowly.

"…dattebayo."

Another pause. Naruto slowly continued. "…Two…"

"Oh, for Din's sake," he said irritably. "Just open the Goddess-damned door and get it over with. You knew this would have to happen eventually."

"I did?" Naruto turned his ashen face up at Kyuubi.

"Yes, you did," Kyuubi said firmly. "Now get over yourself. You're the Hero of Time, twerp. Now, you're going to open that door, get what you came for, and run like hell. I'll be behind you all the way."

"Really?" Naruto said weakly. Kyuubi nodded. Naruto gulped loudly. "Okay…I can do this…" he pulled open the door and walked in, leaving it open for Kyuubi to follow. The kitsune slammed it shut, cackling slightly.

"Sucker…" he sneered. Suddenly the door opened again and a hand shot out, Naruto's fist wrapping around the fairy and enclosing him tightly. Naruto yanked him inside, scowling.

The inside of the windmill hadn't changed from when he was a kid, or back from chapter seventeen when Naruto got the Hookshot. Gai-sensei stood as he usually did, cranking his instrument, filling the room with music that wouldn't have been out of place in a horror movie. His maniacal expression struck an icy note of fear within Naruto, who took a tentative step forward. Breathing hard, he stepped on the giant wooden platform that was turning towards Gai-sensei, silently praying to the Goddesses.

"Damn that kid…damn that kid…swore I'd get revenge, I did…when he played that Song of Storms…" he warbled along with the tune, giggling insanely as he hummed, swaying a bit.

"Uh, Gai-sensei, sir," Naruto squeaked, stepping up before promptly stepping back down and turning around. "I can't do it," he said pleadingly to Kyuubi. "Don't make me do it."

Kyuubi spun him around and gave him a small push. Naruto stepped up again. Shaking, he pulled up his script and began reading off it. "Dot, dot, dot," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. After registering what he said, he frowned. "What the…"

"Link didn't speak kid, remember?" Kyuubi hissed in his ear. Naruto cocked his head, confused.

"Then why did I talk funny when I thought I was Link?" he inquired.

"Good question, twerp," Kyuubi shrugged. "I honestly – hold on, what? You know about that? Were you actually having an identity crisis, or were you messing with me?"

"Huh?" Naruto blinked innocently. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyuubi. What's this about an identity crisis?"

"Wha – but you just –" Kyuubi stammered, before clamping his jaw shut. "Uh, twerp? Remember where we are…?"

Naruto turned and yelped, jumping back instinctively. Gai-sensei's face was less than an inch away from his own, his eyes glinting frighteningly. He looked down at Naruto's hands, and Naruto followed his gaze down to the Ocarina clenched in them firmly, almost trying to hide it.

"You have an Ocarina," Gai muttered. "It reminds me…reminds me of that damn _kid_…"

"Does it now," Naruto stammered, breaking into a sweat.

"I'll never forget that song," he hissed through clenched teeth, stopping and standing upright. He turned the crank, playing a set of three notes.

"…Like this?" Naruto asked timidly, copying the song and, surprisingly, playing it right the first time. As if by some form of magic, rain began to fall inside the windmill itself, making it turn faster and faster. Gai-sensei gasped, making a strange and disturbing rasping noise in the back of his throat.

"You played the song!" he screeched. "_You played the song!_"

"I'm sorry!" Naruto cried, grabbing Kyuubi and dashing towards the door. "I'm sorry! I'll never do it again! Just LET ME LEAVE!"

With that, Naruto bolted for the door, pounding on it frantically. "LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!"

"You idiot!" Kyuubi yelled, drawing his spork and brandishing it at Gai-sensei defensively. "Try opening the door _first_, dead last!"

Naruto blinked. "Oh, yeah," he said, smacking his forehead slightly. He threw open the door and the pair of them flew out, both literally and figuratively. Naruto slammed the door behind him, panting heavily and mopping sweat from his brow, eyes bloodshot from fear. Kyuubi was silent for a moment.

"So…want to go back to the past and ruin his life now, making him the insanely sadistic person he is today?" he asked brightly. Naruto fainted.

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(1)(2) This is a reference to the movie _The Ring_, the horror movie about the little girl down a well who kills everyone who watches a specific tape after seven days – sorry if you didn't understand the references, but I just watched it again not too long ago and I couldn't resist.

Alright, another chapter complete! At this rate, I can promise that Ocarina of Konoha will be done by the end of the summer!

…And then I can start working on the sequel! …I have no life outside fanfiction, do I?


	29. How To Deal With Perfection

Who shall do my disclaimer this time…? Hmm…How about Jiraiya?

Jiraiya: Miss author doesn't own Naruto or Nintendo…she DOES, however, own her rather lovely set of –

(Slaps) Hey! Whatever you were going to say, don't say it!

Jiraiya: Aww…

Alright! Thanks to **AngelWing1138**, who wrote me a fanfiction about Ocarina of Konoha! Isn't that awesome? If you're interested in reading it, just use this link - http/ www. fanfiction. net/ s / 3058112/1/ - just remove the spaces! Thanks again, AngelWing!

Now, if everyone would care to brace themselves for another appearance by Gai…yes, you too, in the back…no, not you, _you_…we can begin the chapter!

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"I don't think I can do this," a 'seven' years younger Naruto said, eyes darting anxiously from side to side, pacing in front of the windmill door. Kyuubi looked completely unconcerned as he floated in place, watching Naruto pace with some amusement.

"Relax, twerp," he soothed. "He's at least somewhat sane here. All you have to do is pop in, ignore his weirdness, completely and utterly thrash the basis of his life and all that he lives for, and get out. Not so hard, right?"

Naruto paled. "I can't do that, dattebayo!" he wailed. "I'm about to ruin his life, and all you do is tell me to hurry up!"

"Right," Kyuubi answered smoothly. "Now hurry it up, twerp."

"Don't you care at all?" Naruto demanded. "Aren't you supposed to be helping me grow into an upstanding hero, not some morally deficient, malicious, destroyer of souls?"

Kyuubi blinked, then applauded. "Two things," he said, sounding impressed and proud. "One, that you're being so perfectly sculpted in my image. Two, that you actually know what malicious means."

Naruto looked at him blankly. Kyuubi sighed. "You heard it used in a sentence and thought you'd throw it in," he guessed.

"Basically," Naruto admitted.

"Figures," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Twerp, what has to be done has to be done. Just get in there and do it. If you don't, you're risking the entire future."

"That might be a good thing," Naruto protested weakly. "Kakariko was set on fire in the future."

"Twerp, that's already happened, so you can't change that," Kyuubi said flatly. Naruto's brow furrowed.

"But if it's in the future, then it hasn't already happened, so logically I should be able to change it," Naruto frowned. "Right?"

Kyuubi paused, mind working in overdrive as he thought of all the possible paradoxes that could and did result through their travels through time. He shook his head to clear it and pushed Naruto towards the door, scowling. "Enough time wasting, twerp. You're going to do this _now_."

Naruto exhaled loudly and opened the door. Gai was giggling to himself as the music played, taking little notice when the two of them entered, looking warily at him.

"Go around, and around…la, dee, da, dee, da, dee, da…" he sang. "I'm a music man celebrating his youth by going round and round and around! I am trying to find a song inspired by the springtime of youth and this windmill…go around…"

"Didn't he say something like that last time?" Naruto asked Kyuubi, voice hushed. Kyuubi whipped out his copy of the script.

"Yeah, it's listed as game script, chapter nine," he pointed towards the bottom of the page. Naruto nodded, stepping forward.

"Uh, I have a song for you," Naruto said shyly, taking out his Ocarina. Looking as if he was desperately wishing the ground would swallow him up and take him away, he played the Song of Storms, launching a cinematic sequence.

The windmill's huge fans began to spin faster and faster outside, inexplicably draining the well, although it didn't seem to have any real connection to it whatsoever. The water flowed out, disappearing into nowhere, leaving the citizens with no water to drink. If this thought occurred to anyone, they didn't react – they simply continued to wait for someone of importance to talk to them.

Inside, Gai's huge, creepy smile hadn't faded, but his head was whipping from side to side so fast it was a wonder he didn't break his neck.

"What's going on?" he said, smile frozen in place. "My windmill…what's happening to my beloved windmill?"

"_I'm really, really sorry that I ruined your life and made you go crazy!_ Bye!" Naruto zipped out of the windmill, followed by Kyuubi, who slammed the door behind them. Gai's smile slipped noticeably.

"They…ruined my life?" he said lowly, cranking his instrument faster. "Ruined…my life? Destroyed all I live for…? Yes, they destroyed…destroy…destroy the Ocarina…destroy the Ocarina kid…"

Outside, Naruto had fallen to his knees, wailing loudly. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and ignored him.

"I'm a b-bad p-person!" Naruto sobbed, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"Glad you came to terms," Kyuubi said absently. "Admittance is the first step to recovery."

"Kyuu…" he said, voice pitifully cute. "What do I do…?"

"You don't call me Kyuu, first off," Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "Secondly, I'd advise you go down to the bottom of the well."

Naruto wiped his red eyes again and sniffed. "The bottom of the well…?" he paused and suddenly sprung up, all traces of being upset gone miraculously. "Oh yeah! The item at the bottom of the well!"

"That doesn't exist!" Haku shouted defensively from off screen, sipping his mocha latte.

"I won't go then!" Naruto called back in singsong. Haku's eyes narrowed and he began to hiss, opening his mouth to retort when suddenly two pairs of hands came out of nowhere and pulled him back, startling him into silence. Genma waved at the pair on screen.

"Keep going!" he called. "We've got things under control here!" While Genma assured Naruto and Kyuubi there would be no more disturbances, Raidou was muttering something to Haku that made his expression light up. He darted into the audience, paying no more attention to the blonde. Genma looked inquiringly at his partner.

"What did you tell him?" he asked. Raidou grinned.

"What every kid with a hero complex wants to hear," he jerked up thumb towards the audience. "I told him Zabuza was calling for him."

On screen, Kyuubi was beating his charge across the head. "Next time, don't bait people off screen!" he snapped. "We're not even a quarter through the chapter and you're already pissing me off with your stalling! The more screen time I get, the less time I get to spend in my trailer!"

"The trailer you got by freaking everyone out and pretending you were kidnapped," Naruto snapped back defensively. "You don't deserve that trailer, dattebayo."

"If anyone deserves it, it's me," Kyuubi narrowed his eyes into dangerously thin slits. "I have to deal with _you_ constantly."

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"Kyuubi…" Naruto whispered, voice small and scared. "I have a secret."

"Twerp, I really couldn't care less," Kyuubi replied solemnly. "For the sake of seeing where this is going, I'll humour you. What's your secret?"

"I'm afraid that the author will make the cliché 'I see dead people' joke," he shuddered, voice hushed. "She might not even know it's overdone. She might just write it, like regular parody authors…"

Kyuubi actually looked mildly alarmed at this and smoothed his hat back comfortingly. "Don't worry, twerp," he murmured, snapping his fingers. A stagehand rushed on screen. "Tell the director to pass a message along to the author; try to keep away from the cliché movie jokes."

"The director already knows," the stagehand nodded. "I was told by the director to tell you, and I quote -"

"That's not necessary," Kyuubi cut him off. "You can go back to doing…what _do_ you stagehands do, anyway?"

The stagehand looked uncomfortable. "We handle the stage," he answered evasively, darting off screen. Kyuubi rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Just like a peon," he spat. "Well, let's get going, twerp. We don't have a whole seven years."

"Uh, Kyuubi, I think we have a problem," Naruto said shakily. "It's a dead end."

Silence. Kyuubi whipped around, looking alarmed. "What do you mean, a dead end?" he flitted around the end of the corridor, gaping wordlessly and furrowing his brow. "That's not possible. There's a trick to this."

"Kyuubi, can't we just go back?" Naruto pleaded. "We'll send Haku to go get it. I always have to do these stupid quests, and it's only fair that he has to do it. Besides, he knows more about it."

"No, I'm positive there's something we're missing," Kyuubi insisted, running his fingers along the grimy stone walls. "We should know better than anyone by now that the game makers always make a way out. Remember what I said, way back in chapter six? They can't make anything hero-proof."

"Or fangirl proof," Naruto muttered, more to himself than to Kyuubi. Then he perked up. "That's it! Kyuubi, you're a genius! You just gave me an idea!" With that, he turned around and began running back. Kyuubi blinked.

"Well, it's hard to argue with him if he's going to compliment me first," Kyuubi grumbled, then froze. "Wait…the _twerp_ had an idea?"

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"Kyuubi, meet our salvation," Naruto flourished a hand proudly, and Kyuubi's jaw dropped.

"Hi!" the girl giggled. "You can call me Mary Sue!"

Mary Sue was easily the most beautiful, perfect, and sexy girl Kyuubi had ever seen, despite being only twelve. Her hair was an almost translucent blue, that shimmered light purple in a way that made it possible to distinguish what colour it really was. Her eyes were pale, pale silver – not grey, but definitely silver – and seemed to hold wisdom far beyond her years. Her perfect white teeth sparkled, but not in a blinding, Rock Lee kind of way. Despite her young age, she had a body a teenager would envy, and she was dressed in a pretty but plain short kimono of blue and pale gold that perfectly accentuated her figure.

"Despite having no affiliation with the Hero of Time before now, I can miraculously travel between the past and future, too! I'm part Zora, part Kokiri, and part Hylian, which makes me an amazingly talented swimmer," she said merrily, somehow not sounding as if she was bragging. "Also, thanks to my Kokiri heritage, I manage to retain my youthful looks now matter how old I get! Despite not being a ninja, I can use both the Byakugan and Sharingan at will, and I can even use them both at the same time! I use Japanese honorifics, even though no one has used any in the story yet, and I'm also a big fan of Naruto-sama's!" she winked charmingly at the blonde, who blushed.

"Well, Mary Sue," Kyuubi said, trying to sound aloof and failing as he dabbed his bloody nose with a tissue, "I fail to see how someone like you will be able to help us."

"Kyuubi, you said yourself that nowhere in the world is fangirl-proof," Naruto reminded. "Mary Sue seems like the perfect person to help us through!"

"Since I can use the Byakugan and Sharingan at the same time, I'll be able to tell you which walls are fake," she explained. "I also can help raise your morale with my cheerful, sweet, innocent, pure, can't-get-me-down attitude!"

"…And your excessive use of adjectives," Kyuubi muttered. "Alright. Whatever."

Naruto cheered, and Mary Sue smiled, cocking her head cutely to the side. "Thank you, Kyuubi-sama!" she said sweetly. "I'll do my best to lead you through the dungeon safely!"

"Whatever," Kyuubi muttered, turning away and blushing furiously.

Mary Sue closed her eyes gently, an invisible breeze making her hair blow gracefully and shimmer in the nonexistent light. Naruto stared at her in awe, thinking about how perfectly beautiful she was, while Kyuubi tried desperately not to care. Mary Sue reopened her eyes, her eyes now an opalescent white, but her pupils still there. Three black specks reminiscent of the Sharingan decorated each eye.

"Wow," Naruto breathed, clutching her hands. "Your eyes look so beautiful like that."

"You…really think so, Naruto-sama?" she blushed prettily. Naruto smiled gently.

"Please…you can just call me Naruto," he gave her a suave grin.

"Naruto-kun?" she blinked. "Of course…"

Kyuubi cleared his throat nosily, trying to quell the jealousy rising up within him. "It's all becoming so clear to me now," he said under his breath. "All those times I would shamelessly ogle other women…it was so foolish when someone so perfect was in this world the entire time. I don't even know her, and I've seen her for all of thirty seconds…but I think…I love her…"

All the female stagehands sighed dreamily. "That is so cute!" One cooed.

"It's even cuter because maybe if he's in love he'll stop pretending to be a light bulb in the girl's washroom," another girl gushed.

"Still, isn't knowing that some girl so perfect exists kind of annoying?" someone frowned.

"You'd think it would, but there's just something so likeable about her!" another replied. "I want to be her best friend!"

"Me, too!" the other female stagehands chorused.

"I can see perfectly," Mary Sue was saying back on stage, smiling dazzlingly. "That wall is actually fake! Follow me!"

Mary Sue walked through the wall confidently. Naruto followed her, showing blinding trust. Sure enough, the wall proved to be faked when he walked right through it, as if though it wasn't even there. Mary Sue pointed down the hall.

"Just that way, Naruto-kun," she said. "I see a gargoyle with water coming out of it's mouth. That's why the floor is flooded."

Naruto had yet to notice that the floor was flooded, but when he looked down, he saw that shallow water flowed down the hall, down an indented path. The entire place had a peculiarly gloomy feel, with odd chains and shackles and stacked skulls right across from where they stood. Mary Sue gave a shudder, making her body quiver interestingly. Kyuubi sprung another nosebleed.

"This place is really creepy, Naruto-kun," she whimpered, moving in closer to him. "It's so dark…"

"Don't worry, Mary Sue," Naruto comforted. "I'm the Hero of Time! I can protect you!"

Mary Sue looked up at him with literal stars in her eyes. Kyuubi snorted. "Yeah, but who do you think will be protecting _you_, twerp?"

"Kyuubi-sama?" Mary Sue blinked her round eyes at the fairy, who flushed – not blushed, because blushing is too girly for a kitsune like himself to do – and averted his gaze nervously. "Kyuubi-sama, you can fight, too?"

"Of course," Kyuubi boasted. "I'm pretty good with utensils, and I used to be legendary back where I'm from – perhaps you've heard of me? A particular incident with the Yondaime…?"

"I'm sorry," she apologized, looking forlorn. "I don't think I've heard of you, but I'm sure Kyuubi-sama is just as great as Naruto-kun, if you're his guardian fairy!"

Kyuubi preened visibly. "Yeah?"

Naruto batted him out of the air, scowling slightly. "Come on, we should probably find that fountain Mary Sue saw."

"Of course! I'll lead the way, Naruto-kun!" she smiled sweetly and began walking down the hall, the water swirling around her ankles. Naruto followed close behind. Kyuubi scowled jealously at his charge's back, trailing behind.

They had reached the next turn of the hall, and the fountain was directly ahead of them. So was something else. Mary Sue screamed softly.

A gigantic skull enshrouded by green – a green bubble – was making it's way down the hall, giving neither Naruto or Mary Sue a way to avoid it. Thinking fast, a feat in itself for Naruto, he grabbed Mary Sue around the waist and jumped to the side.

"No!" Mary Sue gasped. "That's -"

It's as if the floor they were standing on was never there. They fell, Naruto instinctively swinging Mary Sue down so she could absorb the impact while he was fine. They landed with a loud crunching noise, which made Naruto realize what he'd done. "Mary Sue!"

But Mary Sue was fine. She looked up into Naruto's eyes, blushing heavily, a blush painting her cheeks. Her fine hair was splayed gracefully on the muddy floor, somehow managing not to get dirty. "N-Naruto-kun…" she giggled.

"Mary Sue," Naruto blinked, aware of his own blush. The moment was interrupted by Kyuubi, who whacked Naruto upside the back of his head.

"If you'd care to look around at where we are," Kyuubi said bitterly. Naruto hoisted himself up, and Mary Sue sat up, sliding out from under him and tossing her silky locks behind her shoulder. She screamed again.

They had landed right beside a pond of poison with wooden beams crossing it, forming a kind of odd bridge. Skeletal looking hands reached out of the pond, as if they had been reaching for something, or someone, to save them. A ReDead crouched inconspicuously to the side, and there were several narrow pathways leading away from the central room. Silver rupees were scattered along the bridge and up the ladder to get out.

"Kyuubi-sama, what is that?" Mary Sue pointed at the ReDead, and Naruto jumped, having only just noticed it.

"MOLESTER!" he shrieked, running around in pointless circles, screaming his head off. Mary Sue blinked, and Kyuubi cleared his throat.

"That's a ReDead," he stated factually. "A sort of undead creature that climbs on your back and, by all appearances, rapes you until you're dead. They have the annoying tendency of looking at you when you get near them, with petrifies your body so you can't move."

"Wow, Kyuubi-sama! You're so smart!" Mary Sue gushed, and Kyuubi waved a nonchalant hand. "So how do you kill them?"

"So far, sticking them with steel seems to work," he shrugged, Naruto still screaming and running around in the background.

"Would…light kill them?" Mary Sue inquired. Kyuubi frowned.

"Probably," he shrugged. "Why?"

"Just leave it to me, then!" she said merrily, skipping over to the ReDead. It began to turn it's head, moaning sinisterly. Before it could pierce her with it's stare, a blade made of light miraculously formed in her hand. She sliced it cleanly in half with a short battle cry, and the light dissipated. Kyuubi gaped, and Naruto stopped running and screaming.

"How did you do that?" Naruto asked, astonished.

"Well…I didn't want to say so before," she said shyly, twirling a strand of hair around her fingers. "I'm also the princess of a distant country called the Light Kingdom. My father rules the land with a firm but gentle hand, and I'm revered, as his daughter, and yet I always tried to ignore my royal heritage and just be a normal girl. I learned how to manipulate light itself as a small child, something mostly only highly skilled warriors can do. So, I can turn light into a powerful sword, which is how I defeated the ReDead."

"That's incredible, Mary Sue!" Naruto said, stars in his eyes. "Wow! A real princess! That's so amazing!"

"Y-You really think so, Naruto-kun?" she said, brightening as her cheeks tinged pink.

"She's so perfect," Kyuubi said to himself mournfully. "A girl like that could never love a kitsune like me…"

The female stagehands cooed off to the side. "It's just like a fairy tale romance," one sighed.

On screen, Naruto had blown up two small boulders blocking a pathway, only to reveal a treasure chest and a ReDead. Mary Sue formed a bow and arrow out of light, and pierced the ReDead's chest, killing it instantly.

"I'm so glad we have you here, Mary Sue," Naruto sighed dreamily, throwing open the chest a taking out the dungeon map. "In fact, I probably don't even need this!" he said with a grin, tossing the dungeon map away. It landed in the poison pond, and it hissed as it melted away into nothingness.

Mary Sue giggled. "I'm glad I can be of help. I wouldn't want to be a burden."

"You could never be a burden," Naruto smiled charmingly at her. Kyuubi, once again, hit him across the head.

"Let's get out of here as soon as we can," he said dryly, indicating the ladder and the rupees. "That translates to less flirting, more climbing."

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"At last," Naruto sighed, standing in front of the gargoyle fountain. Mary Sue clung to his arm, nuzzling her face against his shoulder and looking up at the fountain with frightened eyes.

"That thing is scary, Naruto-kun," she shivered. "It gives me the creeps."

"Don't worry, Mary Sue, I'll protect you," he said boldly.

"Because you did so well last time," Kyuubi drawled. Naruto flushed embarrassedly.

"The question is," Naruto said loudly, trying to ignore his fairy, "how do we get the water to stop flowing?"

"Well, gee," Kyuubi began sarcastically. "If the Triforce symbol you're standing on is any indication, I'm thinking you need to play Zelda's Lullaby."

"You're so observant, Kyuubi-sama!" Mary Sue smiled at the fairy. "I never would have thought to look down."

Kyuubi blushed uncomfortably and tried to not stare at the expanse of cleavage he was being treated to as she bowed slightly, not even realizing how out of character his lack of lechery was. Naruto drew out his Ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby, looking at Mary Sue out of the corners of his eyes, hoping she would be impressed.

The water drained away, draining into…well, somewhere, supposedly. Naruto looked expectantly at Mary Sue. "Where do we go now?"

"We need to go back to the beginning," she said. "There's a tunnel big enough for us to crawl through, one at a time. That will lead us to where we need to go!"

"You're a genius, Mary Sue," Naruto said admiringly. "Let's get going, then!"

They made their way over to the place they had entered from, on careful lookout for the massive green bubble. The small pit by the entrance had been drained, revealing that there was, indeed, a tunnel. Naruto hopped down and offered his hand up to Mary Sue, letting her slide down gracefully.

"I'll go first, just in case there are any monsters at the end," Naruto said. "Follow close behind me, you two." Naruto got down on his hands and knees and crawled through the tunnel, which was luckily big enough. Kyuubi grinned.

"Ladies first," he offered generously. Mary Sue smiled thankfully.

"That's so polite of you, Kyuubi-sama!" she cooed. "You're such a gentleman!" she crawled through the tunnel after Naruto, Kyuubi following close behind. He grinned triumphantly as he watched the short hem of her kimono ride up.

"That's more like it," he muttered to himself.

Mary Sue crawled out of the tunnel, followed closely by Kyuubi. Naruto was just finishing cutting down a large Skulltula, turning to face them as it died.

"Hey, guys!" he grinned. "No more monsters! Next we have to go through that door." He pointed and looked at Mary Sue expectantly. "Is that right?"

"Yes," she nodded, closing her eyes and changing them back to silver. "It looks like I won't be needing my combination of Byakugan and Sharingan anymore."

"You know, your natural eyes are just as beautiful," Naruto said softly. Mary Sue giggled behind a hand, looking up at him shyly.

"Alright, let's keep going," Kyuubi waved them towards the door, trying to shove the feelings of envy away.

The next room was almost completely empty and silent, with the exception of about eight tall, brittle white arms, with spindly hands on the ends, waving slightly. Naruto looked around with unease, Mary Sue grabbing his arm nervously.

"I don't like these things," she fretted. She screamed suddenly as one of the hands sprung to life and grabbed for Naruto. Again, acting on instinct, he flung Mary Sue towards the hand, and it grabbed her face, holding her in place as she struggled.

"Help me, Naruto-kun!" her shrill voice was muffled. Naruto yanked her free, but that had been enough to bring out a lumpy white creature with stubby arms, a long neck, and a shapeless bald head with fangs.

"That's a Dead Hand, twerp," Kyuubi informed him over the battle music, which struck up when Mary Sue had been grabbed. "The only weak point it has is it's head. It will lower it's head to bite you when it gets close, and the only way to draw it out is to get caught by one of his hands."

"Okay, so I should get caught, but get loose right after," he nodded. "Okay…I'll kill it." He drew out his stubby Kokiri sword and grimaced. "What the…damn it!" his eyes lit up in horror. "I forgot that I was a kid again!"

The Dead Hand lowered it's head, and Naruto stabbed it repeatedly in the skull, grimacing as he did so. The Dead Hand howled and buried back into the ground. Luckily, Mary Sue had been caught by another hand, and the Dead Hand popped out almost instantly after.

"Keep at it, twerp!" Kyuubi hollered. "Don't let it get to Mary Sue!"

Naruto rolled forward with a wild yell, slashing at it's head in the split second it lowered it. Mary Sue screamed, wrenching her face free from the slimy hand grabbing for her.

"Leave her alone, dattebayo!" Naruto shouted angrily, slashing relentlessly at it. The Dead Hand retreated back into the ground. This time, though, unfortunately for Naruto, a hand caught him at the same time another at the opposite end grabbed Mary Sue.

"Mary Sue!" he screeched, but his voice was muffled. He put his hands on the creature's arm, trying to yank it off his face, trying to pry himself loose. The hand was relentless; there was no way for him to get free. Mary Sue seemed to be having similar troubles. The Dead Hand ploughed up from underground, making it's way towards Mary Sue.

"_No!_" both Naruto and Kyuubi yelled in unison. Kyuubi made a movement to fly over, but something pinched his wings. He narrowed his eyes at the arm that had done it. "Damn, that thing's good," he spat.

Mary Sue's shrieks of pain echoed painfully off the walls as the Dead Hand crouched over her, with Naruto unable to see exactly what he was doing. Blood spattered against the wall and the hand holding her, staining it crimson. Naruto struggled even harder against the hand holding him, frantically kicking and pulling and scratching. Finally, it let him loose, just as the Dead Hand began making it's way towards him, mouth bloodied.

"Mary Sue!" Naruto paled, trying to look around the Dead Hands' lumpy form. He narrowed his eyes. "You hurt Mary Sue!"

What happened next went too fast and was too vicious for Kyuubi to really follow. It ended with the Dead Hand becoming a sizzling mass of lumpy grey-white matter, Naruto's stunted sword tinged red but clean for the most part. Naruto panted over the Dead Hand's corpse as the hand holding Kyuubi released it's grip, falling limply to the floor.

"Mary Sue," Kyuubi reminded Naruto the instant he was free, flying over to where she had been held.

Nothing but a crimson smear remained. Naruto dropped to his knees, and Kyuubi fell out of the air in shock. "M-Mary Sue…" the blonde stuttered, dragging his hand through the blood. "N-No…it can't be…"

Kyuubi was frozen in shock. "She…she…"

"There they are!" Someone said from off screen. Genma and Raidou walked on, accompanied by four men in white coats and gas masks.

"Did you two happen to see a girl around here?" Genma inquired. "She's about this tall, with blue hair, silver eyes, answers to the name Mary Sue?"

Naruto merely howled in reply. Genma continued, "It turns out that she broke out of containment at the insane asylum. We thought that we'd ask if you'd seen her, just in case."

"She's highly dangerous," Raidou nodded. "Deluded. Thinks she can use the Byakugan and Sharingan. She also thinks she's some kind of light warrior princess, a part Zora, part Hylian, and part Kokiri, and thinks she the Hero of Time's soul mate." He sighed. "Truly tragic how that could happen to someone…"

"Anyway, she's a danger both to herself and to others, so we thought you should know," Genma concluded. "Let us know, will you? Okay guys," he said to the other men. "Let's keep searching. We haven't tried the trailers yet…"

They walked off. Kyuubi and Naruto stared after them.

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Outside, something extremely strange was happening to the sky. It seemed sunnier and brighter, and colours randomly flashed through. It was as if the sky was…grinning?

"And that's what happens when you try to flirt with our Kyuu," Farore said to herself smugly. Din, and even Nayru, giggled maliciously in the background.

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The moral of the story is…well, actually, I suppose there could be a lot of morals. Let's stick with this one, though; don't mess with the Goddesses'.

Alright, another chapter done! Coming up next is the Shadow Temple! I'm aware that the Shadow and Spirit Temple can be switched, but…I'm the author. And I say it's the Shadow Temple next.

Down with Mary Sues!


	30. So That Explains The Gas Masks!

Time for another disclaimer! This chapter it shall be done by Chouji…if he would be so kind as to stop eating for a minute to say it…

Chouji: (Swallows) I don't want to your disclaimer anyway! I just want to eat! No one cares that you don't own anything!

…Well, okay, you can eat, since you kind of did my disclaimer just now…**_400 reviews, everyone!_** Congratulations and thanks to **IrishGal893 **– now known as** PTalim** – for being my 400th reviewer!

YOSH! I made my decision, then! My new goal is 700 reviews by the time I finish this story! My ultimate goal is 1000 reviews! To all my beloved readers, please help me achieve this goal!

…What? That was it. No, honestly, that's all I have to say. You can roll the chapter now.

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Naruto sat in the middle of the room, determinedly striking two pieces of metal together over a damp lump of tinder wood. Kyuubi was filing his claws, with 'How To Know When You're Raising a Hero' flipped open on the ground, Kyuubi languidly sitting on top of it and reading by the light of his own body.

"I advise that you give up, twerp," Kyuubi called wearily to his charge, who was still attempting to light a fire. His brow furrowed in concentration and frustration. Kyuubi tried again. "You have Din's Fire, twerp. It would be a lot easier…"

"No!" Naruto protested. "I should be able to do it! I'm the Hero of Time!"

"As much as your blinding overconfidence impresses us all, you're being stupid," Kyuubi reasoned. "Just use Din's Fire, kid. That'll light all the torches and open the door."

"No," Naruto said stubbornly. "I'm the Hero of Time. I'll light the fire."

Kyuubi sighed, reaching into Naruto's kunai pouch, despite his protests, and took out Din's Fire. He clicked his tongue. "Now, let's see…instructions, instructions…"

Naruto turned his back on the kitsune, resolutely striking the flint, trying to get it to spark.

"Congratulations on purchasing Din's Fire TM," Kyuubi muttered as he read out loud. "Direction's Guide…wait, there's a guide to the directions? What the hell?"

Naruto's expression lit up. Had that been a spark? …No, that had been lightning from outside. He looked glum and returned to his task.

"Instructions for Users…that's no good, I don't have a controller…"

'_There! That was a spark,_' Naruto thought triumphantly, before his expression fell once again. He had forgotten to aim the spark at the tinder.

"Instructions for Hylians…no good, I don't have hands…let's see, let's see…ah, here it is; Instructions for Fairies…"

Naruto twitched. He had dropped his flint, and it had rolled into a puddle. '_Will a wet flint even work?_' He wondered, forgetting that the tinder was already soaked.

Suddenly, a wall of flame erupted from the Din's Fire crystal, moving out and lighting the torches. Kyuubi smirked in a very self-satisfied fashion, tucking Din's Fire back into Naruto pouch. The blonde looked incredibly indignant.

"Kyuubi!" he shouted. "How could you do that? I was _this_ close to getting it, dattebayo!"

"Yeah, sure," the fairy scoffed. "We would've been here all chapter."

Naruto looked startled. "The chapter started?"

"Uh, yeah," Kyuubi moved aside and indicated the camera. "Say hello to all your loving fans, twerp. Oh, wait," he said thoughtfully, "I guess that wouldn't apply to you, would it?"

"I have fans!" Naruto flicked Kyuubi, sending him spinning away. "I'm the Hero of Time!"

"What's with the cocky, I-can-do-anything attitude all of the sudden?" Kyuubi snapped. "You're getting more irritating then usual, brat!"

"Shut up, Kyuubi, and let's go," Naruto responded rudely. Kyuubi's jaw dropped.

"Oh, I _know_ you didn't tell me to shut up," he snapped his fingers and glared at the blonde, who ignored him and went through the door. Kyuubi looked even more indignant. "Hey! Get the hell back here, you ungrateful twerp!"

The words 'The Shadow Temple' stood out, stark white against the near pitch-black background. Naruto squinted into the darkness.

"Uh, stagehands? Lights?" Naruto called. The Temple's lights went up a bit, making things a little more visible. Naruto walked down the grimy stone hallway, turning quickly and taking another step forward –

"HEY!" Kyuubi whizzed past his head, smacking him as he went. Then suddenly his eyes went wide and he yanked Naruto backwards by the hat. "Whoa! You were about to walk right into that pit, twerp! Watch where you're going!"

Naruto choked slightly as he stared down into the fathomless hole in the floor. A Hookshot target was on the other side, but it still struck Naruto how close he had come to falling in. "Thanks, Kyuubi," he wiped nervous sweat from his brow. "I guess I owe you one."

"Yeah, owe me _one_," Kyuubi scoffed. "You owe me a hell of a lot more than one…"

"Say…have you noticed that we're both acting a bit…odd?" Naruto frowned, taking out his Longshot. "Sort of…out of character."

"What are you talking about? I'm not out of character," Kyuubi scoffed. "I think you're being paranoid. If anyone's out of character, it's you."

"That's what I mean," he said insistently. "I've felt weird since we got out from the bottom of the well."

"Forget it," Kyuubi insisted, pushing him forward. "Let's keep going."

"_The Shadow will yield only to one with the eye of truth, handed down in Kakariko Village_," a creepy, low voice rang out, seemingly from the wall. Kyuubi screamed girlishly and ducked behind Naruto, who snorted derisively and took of his Lens of Truth.

The next room was large, but hardly any of it was the floor. A huge bird statue with a section of wall jutting out pointing across to gargoyle-like stone jutting out from the wall, surrounded by nothingness with a door in it's mouth. Several tall torches stood around the bird statue.

Kyuubi let out a low, evil sounding laugh. "Yes…the darkness sustains me…"

"That's the most in-character thing you've said in a while," Naruto remarked dryly.

At this, Iruka the stagehand rushed out, eyes wide and panicked. "Naruto, I have some bad news," he panted. "You did come into contact with Mary Sue last chapter, didn't you?"

"Yes," Naruto's brow furrowed, as Kyuubi began to wash the dirt of the stone walls, humming slightly.

"I thought so," Iruka looked stricken. "Mary Sue was carrying a deadly disease, called the OOC Virus. We can administer an antidote for it."

"OOC Virus? Was does it do?" Naruto inquired. Kyuubi brought out a large bouquet of daisies as began arranging them fussily, tying them around the lantern posts.

"It messes with your mind until you don't remember your original personality," Iruka said solemnly. "Luckily, you two haven't had over-exposure, since Mary Sue is dead, so you might only have temporary lapses, or the threat could be mild."

"Still, I want this antidote," Naruto said, looking slightly alarmed. "We'll take it right now."

"Uh, there's a problem with that, too," Iruka offered a sheepish smile. "Uh…the Godaime is the only medic we have, and she's off on her coffee break."

"Hey! I'm a medic, too!" Sakura yelled from the audience.

"Allow me to rephrase," Iruka said apologetically. "The Godaime is the only qualified medic we have."

Sakura pouted.

"Well, that's just great," Naruto snapped sarcastically. "Thanks a lot, Iruka-sensei. Way to do your job."

Iruka looked hurt. "I have things to attend to," he said, casting an almost understanding glance back as he walked off screen. Naruto shook his head quickly to clear it.

"I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei!" he hollered. "That wasn't me!" with a sigh, he turned to Kyuubi, noticing for the first time what he was doing. "Uh…Kyuubi, what are you doing?"

Kyuubi was still stringing up miniature bouquets, humming lightly. When he turned around, he had a serene smile on his face. "In dark places like the Shadow Temple, you can add a homey touch to these lovely lanterns made with scented oil candles, freshly cut flowers, and ribbon. It's a good thing."

"Kyuubi!" Naruto flicked him, sending him flying. "Snap out of it! We have OOC Virus, and you have to fight it!"

Kyuubi snorted. "No, _your mom_ has OOC Virus!" he giggled to himself. Naruto looked frustrated, but then an idea struck him.

"It's a good thing I'm out of character, or I wouldn't have the guts to try this," he muttered to himself. "Hey, Kyuubi! Check this out – I'm about to leap off the side foolishly, likely to my doom!" He poised himself over the side, leaning dangerously. Kyuubi twitched and yanked him backwards by the hat.

"What the hell were you doing, twerp?" he exploded. "You idiot, you'll never get through this damn Temple if you're going to act like that!"

Naruto grinned. "Ha! Not even a virus can overpower Kyuubi's maternal instincts."

"PATERNAL! _Pa_ternal!" Kyuubi protested. "I'm MALE!"

"Whatever," Naruto shrugged. "We've been infected by something called OOC Virus. There's an antidote, but we can't get it until Old Lady Tsunade comes back from her coffee break."

"Damn her…after all those years of pouring sake of her roots, and she still won't even lift a branch to help me…" Kyuubi swore. "The only thing we can do in the meantime is to try to fight it and get through the Temple."

"Why do we have to do the Temple like this?" Naruto whined.

"Because there's no point in having a chapter where all we do is wait," the kitsune snapped. "Suck it up and let's keep moving, twerp."

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"Ha! ReDeads are no match for me," Naruto bragged, tucking away his Dungeon map as he roamed the passageway, looking through the Lens of Truth for a false wall. Kyuubi whizzed by.

"HEY! LOOK! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!" he yelled moronically, voice irritatingly high. "LOOK! LISTEN! LOOK! HEY!"

"Would you shut the hell up?" Naruto rolled his eyes, irritated. "If I had wanted Navi to be my fairy, I would've gotten rid of you ages ago."

Kyuubi's eyes flashed dangerously. "What was that?" he ground out. "I _will_ make you regret saying that, twerp. Without me you wouldn't have gotten much past Dodongo's Cavern."

Naruto blinked. "What the…"

Kyuubi suddenly slapped his forehead. "Oh! I remember now – the virus!" he laughed at himself a bit. "I can't believe I forgot."

"That's unlike you," Naruto frowned. "This virus is really annoying. We need to focus on the Temple, no matter how we're acting."

"Okay!" Kyuubi agreed complacently. Naruto shuddered a bit at his fairy's actions and went through the next door, walking right through a skull-adorned wall. Kyuubi froze when he went through the door, as did his charge. Blue eyes had a sudden cold glint as Naruto took a step forward, a malicious smirk on his face.

The pale, rotting hands groped for Naruto, who merely sidestepped them. "Well," he said, sounding as if he was anticipating the battle, "I guess I'm going to avenge Mary Sue after all."

"Virus or not, I loved her," Kyuubi said, his smirk mirroring Naruto's. "Why don't you leave this one to me?"

"You fit in the palm of any one of his hands," Naruto pointed out.

"How unusually perceptive of you," Kyuubi snorted. "Do you think I care?" He slowly withdrew his spork, glowing unusually bright. Naruto merely sneered and let one of the hands grab his arm.

The following battle is censored for blood and gore beyond anything anyone has ever seen before, rapid personality changes as a result of the dreaded OOC Virus, flashbacks involving daydream sequences and slow motion, fond memories of a 'Mary Sue', the surprisingly _correct_ use of a spork – please, for your own benefit, don't ask – and the fact that a battle scene between a Dead Hand and the Hero of Time has already taken place.

White, lumpy matter had practically exploded across the room, spraying the skull-stacked walls with organic slime. Kyuubi and Naruto stood back-to-back; Naruto with a sword coated by a slimy, red-tinged substance that dribbled down to the hilt and oozed off, sliding to the ground, and Kyuubi holding his spork that had crusted over and congealed with thick, gooey grey and red blood. Kyuubi struggled to keep himself airborne, flapping his crimson-spattered wings, and Naruto wrung the blood from his hat.

"That was uncharacteristically brutal of you, twerp," Kyuubi panted slightly, tucking his spork away.

"That was typically brutal of you, Kyuubi," Naruto replied, wiping sweat from his brow, leaving a crimson streak. "It left a chest…"

Naruto leaned over it, looking suspicious. "It can only be the Compass," he said, shrugging. "You never get the main item so soon in a Temple."

He was wrong; the 'You got an item!' music played, as usual, as he lifted out the gold-winged boots. He studied them suspiciously, and Kyuubi began to whiz around stupidly, giggling and talking rapidly.

"Hey, cool! Boots with wings! That's so cool, don't you think? What do you think they do? Do they fly? If you threw them off a cliff, would they fly away? Do the wings actually flap? I wonder how that would work – is there a microchip in it or something? Have microchips been invented? I can't keep track of technology here – hey, wouldn't it be cool if technology progressed enough for you to get a gun, or something? Then you could just go 'bang, bang' and the monsters would die – hey, do you think those boots somehow kill the monsters for you? I don't see why they would, because they look like normal boots with wings, but you never know, so it's always worth asking…"

"That's not right," Naruto said quietly. "That's just completely wrong…"

"Well, duh, twerp, I have OOC virus, so I can't really help the way I'm acting – hey, what if this is actually how I am and all the rest of the time I was out of character? Wouldn't that be freaky? It's like a science fiction novel…hey, what if we're in a parody of a game of a science fiction novel? Or the other way around? Wouldn't that be freaky?"

"That's not what I meant," Naruto cut him off. "Although, now that you mention it, you are annoying me. That's still not what I meant, though – I've never gotten an item this early on in a dungeon before. There's got to be a catch."

"I can see why you think it's suspicious, but I don't think there's anything weird about it, so don't worry," Kyuubi informed him. "You probably just need them a lot throughout the Temple, or maybe it's just a short Temple – hey, wouldn't it be nice if this was a short Temple? We could practically walk from one end to the other, and then we'd be done, just like the Fire Temple when we gave Nayru control! Well, no, we _thought_ it'd be like that, but it really wasn't 'cause she turned it into a musical, which was hell."

Naruto blinked and tried to process everything Kyuubi just said. "Uh…right. Well, if you're sure they're alright…"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure! Well, sort of. Not really."

Naruto flicked him, and he crashed into a wall. He groaned and tried to flick his wings, but unfortunately, he was stuck in the thick layer of slime. "A little help, twerp?" he growled. "_Very_ nice thinking, by the way…I won't be able to fly for a while now."

"You'll survive," Naruto sighed, plucking Kyuubi off the wall and dropping him inside a glass bottle. "You never did get me a new bottle, by the way."

"Of course, while we're changing personalities every few seconds, Naruto is most worried about his bottle," Kyuubi snorted in disgust. "By the Goddesses, I hate my job."

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"Alright…back it up…back it up…" Kyuubi waved two bright orange glow sticks, directing Naruto to keep pulling the bird statue backwards. "It's almost facing the real one…"

"Thanks, but I'm the one with the Lens of Truth here," Naruto reminded, accidentally snapping at the fairy.

"Yeah, thanks, I forgot," Kyuubi retorted. "It's hard to remember the fourth time you fall into the abyss. Damn, you're annoying. You're acting like _me_, for Din's sake."

"You're aware that you called yourself annoying?" Naruto cocked an eyebrow. Kyuubi made a sound of frustration.

"Damn, is this really what I act like?" Kyuubi wondered out loud. "Damn, I really grate on my nerves…that's kind of cool," Kyuubi mused. "I can cause others pain without even knowing it…"

Naruto stopped dragging the statue, wiping his forehead with his sleeve and squeezing his eyes shut, as if waiting to fall…again. When nothing happened, he exhaled loudly, peering through his Lens of Truth for confirmation. The bird's beak pointed at the real torch, to Naruto's relief, and the door in the gargoyle's mouth slid open.

The blonde hero grimaced as he slipped on the Hover boots. "There's no traction with these," he complained. "It's like being back at the Ice Cavern. Oh wait," he shot a spiteful look at the bottle, "_you_ wouldn't know. You were missing."

"Oh, you're complaining," Kyuubi said, mock-surprised as if he had only just begun paying attention. "Glad to see you're feeling more like yourself."

"You're mean, Kyuubi," Naruto pouted slightly and, showing more courage then was usual from him, began running across the gap. A golden glow surrounded the boots, and if was if he was walking on solid ground for all of one second. The glow dissipated, leaving him barely enough time to roll forward and cling to the statue, breathing heavily.

"I don't think I'll ever be afraid of heights again after this," Naruto gasped, pulling himself up onto the statue. He took off the boots, stepping forward through the door.

"I'm thrilled for you," Kyuubi deadpanned, filing his claws.

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"As usual, a quick recap seems necessary," Kyuubi said with a bored sigh. "The twerp went on to get the compass and the first small key of this Temple, he's currently staring down a guillotine and hoping it will go away, my wings have dried off, and I just saved fifty percent on car insurance. Let's join the action, shall we?" He rapped on the glass of his bottle, indicating he wanted to be let out. Naruto uncorked the bottle, looking pale.

"Kyuubi, what do I do?" he said in a small, frightened voice. "Those are really big blades."

"Just wait for them to raise up and run through before they fall on you," Kyuubi answered.

"_Really_ big blades, Kyuubi," Naruto repeated. "Like, really big. Not just decapitation big. Like…really big."

"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!" Kyuubi began shrieking. Alarmed, Naruto ducked and rolled under the guillotine blade, trying to get away from the annoying fairy. Kyuubi smirked.

"Yeah, okay, that wasn't the virus," he admitted guiltily, and Naruto scowled. "Although I'm pretty sure this is. I would never consciously admit to something, much less sound apologetic for it. Point is, you got past the guillotine. Only about ten more to go," he pointed cheerfully ahead. Naruto paled.

The room was cavernous and seemingly sparse, with only a few floating platforms leading to only one place. Several doors with nothing leading to them were set in the walls, but what was mostly making Naruto's face resemble oatmeal were the guillotines lined up at the edges of the platforms, making timing imperative with each jump. Naruto gulped.

"Don't worry, Naruto!" Kyuubi beamed. "I'm sure you'll be just fine!"

"Yeah, don't do that again, it's just creepy," Naruto gave Kyuubi a disturbed look and made the first leap, rolling automatically to dodge a blade. He stopped directly in front of the next, screeching in a very feminine manner as it skimmed right by him.

"Just keep going, and don't look down," Naruto breathed heavily, his voice raising a few octaves when another blade nearly chopped off the end of his hat. Kyuubi flew overtop, looking down at Naruto and smirking.

"Heh…the kid doesn't have a chance," he muttered. "He's bound to mis-time one of those jumps, sucker…" Suddenly he shook his head, realizing what he had just said. "Wow…that was cold, even for me…" he looked disappointed. "Why can't I be like that more often?"

"AH!" Naruto yelled, nearly jumping back over the edge of the platform in shock. A Stalfos lunged at him out of nowhere, laughing sinisterly. Naruto barely managed to dodge his blade, thrusting his sword at him in reflex.

"Forget it, twerp! Equip the Hover boots and jump onto that platform!" Kyuubi yelled, pointing at the constantly lowering and raising platform, the sounds of chains clanking making it hard to hear the kitsune.

"If you insist!" Naruto smiled weakly at the Stalfos and equipped the Hover boots, giving it a small wave before he leapt off the side, rolling forward and whimpering at how high up he was. He screamed as he plummeted, bracing himself to be crushed by gravity.

He landed with a thump, and he rubbed his backside, wincing. "Ow…"

"Could be worse, twerp," Kyuubi pointed out. "You could be having your innards perused by an angry Stalfos right now."

Naruto blinked. "…Perused?"

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Yes, twerp, perused. It means -"

"I know quite well what it means," Naruto stated factually. "I was just indicating that your sentence's structure and your choice of words were rather peculiar. On one hand, this suggests that you were merely throwing words together in hopes of sounding intelligent, but on the other hand your sentence had a certain flow to it, making it almost poetic. It suggests you weren't trying to make a point so much as manipulate the structure of the sentence itself."

Kyuubi stared at him. "…O-kay…and _I'm_ the creepy one…"

Naruto frowned, rubbing his forehead. "I'm kind of dizzy. Where are we again?"

"Check your map, because I refuse to give you a run-down," Kyuubi told him. "You still have your Hover boots on, so you should be able to make this jump. When the platform reaches it's highest point, run off."

"Right," Naruto nodded, readying himself to jump. He looked ill and hesitant when it finally reached it's highest point, and paused long enough for it to drop back down. Kyuubi sighed irritably and smacked him upside the head.

"If you do that again, I swear that I'll just push you," he warned. "You know that I will."

"Yeah, but I can hope that you switch personalities again before that time," Naruto said hopefully. Even as the words left his mouth, he developed a strange expression on his face and was suddenly smiling confidently. Kyuubi frowned and waved a hand in front of his face.

"Twerp? What's with the expression?" he said, uneasily. "I think I've seen you like that before…"

"Come, Navi! Together we shall bravely venture forth onto the next room of this Temple!" Naruto said in a booming, heroic voice. Kyuubi groaned and dragged a hand down his face.

"Anything but this again," he pleaded. "I _hate_ the Link-twerp…"

"Pardon me?" Naruto said politely, drawing the kitsune's attention back to him. Kyuubi sighed.

"Whatever, just run off this damn platform before I try to throw myself off," Kyuubi muttered. "Last time I tried that I just flew up, which sucked…"

"For Hyrule!" Naruto bellowed, jumping off the platform with his sword drawn. Kyuubi snorted in disgust and trailed behind, mentally reminding himself that if he really had to, he could always just shove his charge off the side of a platform.

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"Only one with the eye of truth will find the stone umbrella that protects against the rain of blades," Naruto read, turning green. "I don't think an umbrella will cut it…"

Kyuubi watched with slightly malicious amusement at the giant spiked crusher-things of doom TM, as they fell and rose back up at an impossible speed, making it impossible to get past them.

"Kyuubi, I want you to know where my will is," Naruto said shakily. Kyuubi didn't miss a beat.

"Your house in Kokiri forest, top left corner under your mattress," he rattled off immediately. Naruto gave him a startled look, and the fairy shrugged. "I had to pass the time somehow."

"Oh…" Naruto frowned. "Well…here I go."

He didn't move. Kyuubi rolled his eyes in disgust. "Think, twerp. What did the sign say?" he spoke very slowly and deliberately, almost mockingly. Naruto thought hard.

"Uh…"

"Think, twerp," he sighed impatiently. Naruto's brow furrowed, and the resemblance to a confused ape was shocking.

"Oh, Din," Kyuubi groaned. "This isn't that out of character, but dropping his IQ any more points is probably hazardous to everyone's health."

He hit him resignedly across the head, taking out the Lens of Truth for him. Naruto blinked a few times, before scowling. "This stupid virus is really pissing me off."

"Same here, twerp," Kyuubi replied, looking around through the Lens of Truth and sounding disinterested in life itself. "By the way, twerp, you never say 'pissing me off'."

"Damn it," Naruto cursed. "So, you see anything?"

"Nothing of much use," Kyuubi drawled. "There's a giant block stuck in the wall over there that could probably shield you from the giant spiked crusher-things of doom TM, but other than that, the situation is pretty much hopeless." He blinked a few times. "My god, I just had a Naruto moment. My life really is over."

"Huh? What do you mean?" Naruto cocked his head, confused. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and thrust the Lens of Truth in front of Naruto's face.

"See that block? Pull it out and then push it in front of you. Since it's a lot taller than you, it will stop the spikes from crushing into oblivion, leaving you as a bloody mass impaled on the tremendously huge spikes that could rive right through your skull without even faltering." Kyuubi explained it all in one breath, leaving Naruto reeling. Hesitantly, Naruto raised the Lens.

"Oh! I see what you're talking about!" Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. "I was worried you were crazy! Well…you're already crazy…" he hesitated, "but I was worried that you were crazy in a way that wouldn't benefit me."

"You're sounding like me again," Kyuubi narrowed his eyes.

"Sorry," Naruto apologized. "It's only fair, though, right? You took my personality a few paragraphs back."

"You keep stealing mine," Kyuubi pointed out. Naruto chuckled sheepishly, grabbing onto the invisible block.

"I'd promise to stop, but you never know with OOC Virus," Naruto said morosely. "Forget an antidote, I think I need therapy…"

"You've always needed therapy, twerp," Kyuubi remarked.

Naruto ignored him, already panting slightly with exertion of heaving the block. He flinched horribly as the giant spiked crusher-thing of doom TM crunched down on the block. By some miracle that went against physics, the block didn't crumble, despite the incredible pressure that pounded against the stone.

"Thank Din, it's working," Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. He looked even more surprised when he managed to wedge it between both blocks, stopping them both from reaching the ground. "Hey! There's no way it can get me like this!" to prove his point, he began jumping up and down slightly. Startled, Kyuubi grabbed his shoulders to hold him in place.

"Let's not tempt fate," he said weakly. "Now, keep dragging it to the other side. You need to jump on top of it to get to the top of those platforms."

Naruto snorted. "No way. I'm safe like this."

"Yeah, but you can't move any further in the Temple, which means you'll be stuck here. _Forever_."

"Heave…ho…heave…" Naruto was on the other side of the block, pulling it towards him, looking tense. Kyuubi smirked in a self-satisfied way.

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"How am I supposed to move when there are spikes everywhere?" Naruto whined loudly. "I can't collect the silver rupees like this!"

"Has it occurred to you to keep your Lens of Truth out?" Kyuubi asked in a patronizing tone. Naruto looked abashed as he took out the Lens again, looking through it grudgingly.

"Man, this Temple goes on forever," Kyuubi groaned. "Game makers suck."

"Naruto! Good news!" Iruka rushed on screen.

"Did they cut the Temple in half? Because honestly, it seems like this has been going on forever," Kyuubi remarked. "It might not even be so bad if we were at least normal."

Naruto snorted. Kyuubi conceded, "Well, normal for us."

"That's actually what I'm here about," Iruka said brightly. Kyuubi collapsed at his feet, bowing to him.

"Oh, thank Din! They really are cutting the Temple in half!"

"Uh, not quite," Iruka smiled, almost apologetically. "Sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that. The Godaime is back, though, and she said she'd be willing to administer the antidote right now if you two wanted."

"Oh, it's alright," a female voice said out of nowhere. "Kyuubi doesn't need a vaccine."

"Yeah, we cured him ages ago," another voice chimed in. "Well…actually, it was all Nayru. But if we could've helped, we would have."

"Farore? Din?" Kyuubi blinked, surprised. "You girls cured me? When?"

"Oh, ages ago, a little before you guys were in the room with the giant spiked crusher-things of doom TM," Din said cheerfully. Kyuubi looked suddenly horrified.

"You mean…that Naruto-moment I had was actually me?" he choked.

"Guess so," Farore snickered.

"I'm going to kill myself," Kyuubi said decisively.

"You're immortal, Kyuu."

"I hate you, Farore."

"Anyway, I guess that means it's just you that needs to be given the antidote," Iruka smiled kindly at the blonde. "We can go right now."

"Yes! I want to be me again!" he said with a relieved grin. "The rest of the Temple can wait."

"I don't see why anyone would want to be you," Kyuubi said rudely, following the pair off screen.

Off screen, Naruto could be heard saying shrilly, "Wait, there are needles involved?"

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Remember, everyone: OOC Virus is both highly toxic and very contagious. It is carried by most Mary Sues, so please – upon seeing a Mary Sue, report it to the experts immediately.

So, the rest of the Temple will be continued next chapter! Bongo-Bongo's appearance, everyone! …Well, maybe, if I get around to it.

All 'Get Well Soon' cards and fruit baskets can be sent to the hospital in Konoha. Thank you all for your concern about the virus.


	31. Why is Everything so Hard to Kill?

I've decided to no longer do Naruto character disclaimers! As of now…they shall be the Zelda characters doing my disclaimers! After all, why do them myself if I can get someone else to do them? First up will be Link, the original Hero of Time!

Link: …

…Oh, right. Link doesn't talk. Well, let's all just assume you knew what he meant.

This time I shall thank **Topaz Talyn** for catching the Metal Gear Solid 3 reference a few chapters back, **IlluminatedShadow** for managing to quote every chapter, and **The All-Seeing Sharingan, Flames of Insanity** (we knew him as **Darkness Embers**), and **Mikomi-Kiyoko** for being my first three reviewers for chapter thirty!

_AND_ one last order of business – I've been getting quite a few requests to do a separate fanfic of all the outtakes of Ocarina of Konoha. Give me your opinion – do you guys want me to write it, or are you happy with this one? Or are you just sick of everything related to OoK by now and you just want me to hurry up and finish it so you can go on with your lives?

Alright, on that note, start the chapter!

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Naruto and Kyuubi simply stood there, gaping at the wonder before that was…a boat.

The bird-like boat floated atop a ghost river, a bell hanging from it's beak. A Triforce symbol was painted on the large deck, making it quite obvious how to make the boat start. Still, rather than move, the pair of them just stood there, taking it in.

"It's beautiful," Naruto whispered in awe.

"It's amazing," Kyuubi agreed.

"It's grand."

"It's revolutionary."

"It's sturdy."

"It's miraculously floating on air."

"It's perfect."

"It's nothing compared to a pirate ship," Kyuubi pointed out. "I've always wanted to be a pirate…it used to be my life's dream. Then I realized I was a monstrous kitsune, so I couldn't ride on a pirate ship."

"But it's mine," Naruto nearly squealed delightedly as he tentatively stepped out onto the boat, hearing the wood creak lightly.

"So much for sturdy," Kyuubi snorted. "Look, twerp, as much as I'm thrilled that we get a free boat ride, I have a bad feeling about this."

"Of course you have a bad feeling; it's your job to," Naruto stated, peering over the side of the boat. "You just have to remember the basic game rule, Kyuubi. All good games have nautical battles."

"You know what nautical means?"

"No, I just remember reading it in this book," he said, holding up 'Sea Heroes; Terminology Parents can Understand'.

"How many of those have you looked through?" Kyuubi hissed, snatching it away from his charge. Naruto grinned.

"Only a few," he said evasively. "By the way, did you know 'poop deck' was in there?" at this, he laughed hysterically. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and drew his spork, shoving it under Naruto's jaw threateningly.

"Start the damn ship or I'll be making ye walk the plank," Kyuubi growled. Naruto stood up straighter, gulping.

"Aye, Cap'n, dattebayo!" he said, saluting and pulling out his Ocarina.

"Ar," Kyuubi withdrew the spork and tucked it away, smirking with satisfaction. "I always wanted to do that."

As Zelda's Lullaby faded away, the ship began to rock slightly, and the bell at the front began to swing, ringing. The boat churned forward, nearly knocking Naruto off his unsteady feet. He grinned shakily, grabbing onto the side to steady himself. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow at him, sitting atop the bough.

"Not used to my sea legs yet," Naruto explained. Kyuubi snorted, but said nothing.

They hadn't been cruising for very long when a Stalfos dropped down from out of nowhere, nearly making Naruto wet himself. He drew his sword, scrambling backwards out of nervousness.

"Ar, attack the stowaway, crew!" Kyuubi barked from the bough. "Full course to starboard, full speed ahead! Fire the cannons, swab the deck, fetch me my ale!"

"I'm the only crew member, I can't do all that!" Naruto protested frantically, sticking the Biggoron sword straight through the enemy's ribs. The Stalfos snarled and tried to slash at the blonde's throat, making him strain to keep out of reach.

"I was just tryin' out me terminology, First Mate twerp!" Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Now stay on yer sea legs and throw the bastard overboard!"

Naruto yelped as another Stalfos dropped down from above. "He brought others, Cap'n!"

"Finish them! Kill them all!" Kyuubi hollered.

Naruto whipped his Biggoron sword to the side, a move that should have smashed the Stalfos' ribs. He swiftly beheaded it and turned to the other one, grinning triumphantly. "Your turn," he said innocently, but the Stalfos merely laughed. Confused, he began to sidestep around the Stalfos, only to feel a blade narrowly miss his face. His wide blue eyes followed the blade to the source.

The headless Stalfos held it's blade out, the head chuckling darkly from it's place a few feet away. Naruto paled and tried backing up, forgetting the second Stalfos. Face ashen, he ducked and rolled to the side, sword held out at the approaching Stalfos.

"Kyuubi! They won't die! It's like they're immortal or something!" Naruto yelled frantically.

Kyuubi looked caught and startled, turning his back on his charge and reaching into his storage space. He gave a wary look to the golden Aztec coin in his hands, before tucking it away again, hoping no one noticed it. "Just hold them off a little while longer. I think it's almost time for us to dock, savvy?" (1)

"Kyuubi…" Naruto wailed, holding his sword out horizontally, trying to block the Stalfos' swords.

Kyuubi clenched his fist painfully. "Goodbye. It's for the best, my lovely," he said, placing a kiss on his palm and pressing it against the ship. Taking a deep breath, he suddenly yelled, "All hands, abandon ship! She be goin' down!"

Naruto stiffened, casting a frantic look over the side of the boat. A strip of land was within jumping distance, and Naruto didn't hesitate to leap off the side, bracing himself and rolling forward when he hit the ground. He scrambled to his feet, looking around frantically for Kyuubi.

The fairy was glaring down at the Stalfos, snarling angrily. "This'll be the last we see of ye," he sneered, clinging to the mast and choking back sobs. "She was a mighty good ship…"

"Kyuubi, don't be stupid!" Naruto called frantically. "Get down here! Don't do this!"

"A Captain goes down with his ship, boy!" Kyuubi yelled back, squeezing his eyes shut. "Remember…that…"

The ship plummeted straight down into the ghostly, nonexistent water, taking the Stalfos and Kyuubi with it. Naruto dropped to his knees, howling mournfully.

"Kyuubi! What will I do without you?" he cried, wiping tears away with his sleeve. "I couldn't have gone this far without you! Hell, I can't do the rest without you! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL THE BOSS WITHOUT THE Z-TARGETING SYSTEM?" he threw himself down, covering his head with his arms and sobbing.

He didn't notice a fire-red orb fluttering his wings madly, flitting up and onto land. He hovered around Naruto's head for a moment before shrugging and casting another look back at the ghost river, this time a satisfied smirk on his face. "Now that was a dramatic ending to my pirate career," he said smugly. "The best way to go out, in my opinion. Sacrifice stories always get famous."

Naruto raised his tear-streaked face, beaming with joy. "Kyuubi! You're ALIVE!"

Kyuubi blinked. "Uh, duh. I can fly."

"Oh…right," Naruto said in a small voice.

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"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Naruto screamed rather pointlessly, running around in a mad dash, occasionally crashing into an invisible wall in his panic. "Creepy molester hands! They're everywhere! EVERYWHERE, I SAY!"

Kyuubi floated behind him, filing his claws and blowing on them once in a while. "Twerp, you've been running in little circles rather than go inside this door for the past ten minutes," Kyuubi notified him after a quick check of his watch. "The Floormasters can't get you. There are invisible walls in the way. You're safe, for Din's sake."

"What if the walls aren't actually there, though?" Naruto asked fearfully. "What if the Floormasters have been pretending, and then at the moment I least expect it, they'll pounce on me!"

"Then you should go through the damned door. They can't get you from inside there."

"You're being too logical about this!" Naruto stamped his foot.

"And I don't think you're been logical a day in your life," Kyuubi snapped back. "Go through the damn door before I _make_ you…"

Naruto looked as if he were about to scoff, but Kyuubi calmly said, "One."

Naruto froze. Kyuubi continued in his perfectly calm, controlled tone. "Two."

Naruto began to fidget. Kyuubi's voice took on a slight tone of warning. "_Three_…"

"Okay! Just don't count, don't count!" Naruto threw open the door, running in. Kyuubi snickered.

"I wonder what I'll do if I ever get to ten…" he mused, floating through the door after Naruto. The blonde was looking around wildly, rushing about in a panic. Since this was usual behaviour, Kyuubi took the opportunity to look around.

A wooden wall of spikes was closing in on them from either side. The spikes were long and thin, and it truthfully looked as if someone had just taken a wooden wall and stuck a whole lot of toothpicks in it for effect. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes.

"So much for _security_," the kitsune said in a loud, exaggerated voice. Off screen, Genma began to look nervous.

"Do you think he suspects me?" he asked Raidou, self-consciously taking the toothpick out of his mouth and hiding it away. Raidou patted his arm comfortingly.

"You can't be blamed. You're under contract," he reassured him.

"What do I do what do I do what do I do…" Naruto babbled, clutching his hat and wringing his hands alternately. "I'm going to die. I'm going to be punctured to death. I'll pop like a balloon."

"Relax, twerp, that's a physical impossibility," Kyuubi drawled, before pausing. "Well, as long as there's no Goddess interference. Still, you're overlooking some important things here. What are the walls made of?"

Naruto blinked and frowned, knitting his eyebrows. "Uh…stone?"

"Not those walls, the ones closing in on us to puncture us to death," Kyuubi said slowly.

"…Wood?" Naruto guessed.

"That's right, now what does wood _do?_" Kyuubi looked at him expectantly.

"…Kills innocent heroes?"

"Close," Kyuubi conceded. "It also burns."

Naruto waited. Kyuubi gave him a 'By the Goddesses, you aren't actually this stupid, are you?' look. Suddenly, a light bulb lit up above Naruto's head. "Oh!" He began rifling through his kunai pouch. While he did so, Kyuubi gave the light bulb a wink.

"You come here often?" he smiled suggestively.

Suddenly, fire erupted from Naruto's hand, burning the walls on contact. Behind them, groans of pain reached Naruto's ears, and the ReDeads ducking behind them burned, the stench off rotting, burning flesh filling the blonde's nostrils, making him choke and cover his nose. Kyuubi sighed.

"I've never been so glad I don't have a nose," he said, sounding relieved. "Good thing you picked up on the Din's Fire thing, twerp."

"I didn't mean to use Din's Fire," he frowned. "I was looking for my Lens of Truth."

Kyuubi blinked. "…And _why_ were you looking for the Lens?"

"Because obviously, the walls weren't really there," he said proudly. "They were an illusion! See, they aren't there anymore!" he indicated the small pile of ash that was all that remained of the walls. Kyuubi gave him a flat look.

"It's a miracle you aren't dead yet," he shook his head. "Get that treasure chest, it's the Boss key."

"The Boss is coming up?" Naruto stammered. "Do I have to…?"

"You had to fight all the other ones, twerp," Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Not Shino," he protested. "Shino just let me go in Jabu-Jabu."

"Well, twerp, I have a feeling that Shino won't be helping you here," Kyuubi said patronizingly, leading him back out the door. "You're not inside Jabu-Jabu anymore, Dorothy."

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The room beyond the Boss' door was incredibly dark, making it nearly impossible to see anything at all. Everything, including the skull and bones that were compacted to make the walls, were cast in eerie blue light, and the cold air was impenetrably still.

"Uh, stagehands?" Naruto coughed lightly. The one nearest shrugged.

"Sorry, Naruto," he said, scribbling something on his clipboard. "This is actually the right lighting. I don't think you're supposed to be able to see."

"That ridiculous," Naruto complained. "There's no logical reason for -" he cut himself off abruptly with a screech as he plummeted into the hole he had accidentally stumbled upon. Kyuubi dived down after him, chortling.

"I think that explains why you weren't supposed to be able to see," he chuckled as Naruto glared, pulling himself to his feet. The floor made a hollow sound with each footstep.

"That wasn't a good way to get me down here," Naruto said hotly. "I would've gone down myself."

But Kyuubi wasn't listening – at least, not to Naruto. He held up as finger, opening his mouth to say something but hesitating. "Twerp…jump."

"What?" Naruto looked confused. "Why?"

"Just do it," Kyuubi insisted. Naruto shrugged, looking at him strangely, but complied. Kyuubi lit up. "I thought so."

"What?" the blonde inquired. Kyuubi held up two fingers.

"Firstly, that you don't have an original thought in your head. Honestly, I'm shocked you didn't ask how high," he snickered. Naruto scowled, and Kyuubi continued hastily. "Secondly, you're currently standing on a giant drum."

"A drum?" Naruto repeated, rapping on the surface with his knuckles. The entire floor shook slightly, and a huge grin broke out over Naruto's face. "Cool."

"Glad you think so, you bastard," a voice that was somewhat recognizable sneered, and two giant hands appeared, striking the drum rhythmically. The hands looked almost ghost-like, though they were thick and somehow familiar looking. A few high flute notes played, and the hands reacted, beating faster and faster on the drum, sending vibrations through the drum, and making Naruto bounce, nearly falling over.

"That girl from the Sound Five," he realized, turning around just in time to see Tayuya smirk and disappear. The hands, however, didn't fade away as she did, and the words 'Phantom Shadow Beast; Bongo-Bongo' scrolled across the screen, bouncing lightly to the beat.

"Okay, that's sick," Kyuubi remarked. "Who would name a shadow beast Bongo-Bongo? No wonder it's a boss enemy, I'd be mad as hell, too."

"No shit I'm mad!" Tayuya hollered, her voice coming from nowhere. "This damn part is ridiculous! I should have to play this shitty role, and I blame you damn bastards for making it this damn far!"

Kyuubi mock-gasped. "The language!" He pretended to faint.

"Kyuubi, stop being dramatic and help me!" Naruto cried, drawing his bow out shakily. Kyuubi wilted.

"But I pull off the theatrics so well!" Despite his forlorn tone, he zipped over to one of the hands, circling around it cautiously. "Let 'em fly, twerp!"

Naruto let loose a small stream of about five arrows, confident that _one_ of them had to hit the hand. It turned blue when it was struck, and began shaking to try and regain its senses. Tayuya, wherever she was, changed her tune slightly, and the other hand suddenly rose up in the air, about to flatten Naruto.

"Hell if I let that happen," Kyuubi snorted, snapping instantaneously over to the other hand. Naruto released another arrow, stunning the hand.

"The Lens, twerp! Look for the foul-mouthed brat," Kyuubi advised. Naruto raised his Lens to his eye, just in time to see Tayuya herself running straight for him. Naruto shrieked and sent an arrow right into her chest. She stopped, clutching the wound and breathing heavily, taken aback.

"Get her," Kyuubi instructed, and Naruto brought out the Biggoron sword, slashing at her with all his might repetitively. Tayuya swore impressively, jumping back into the darkness and disappearing again.

"I'll help you aim for the hands, twerp, just get your bow ready," Kyuubi told him, before whizzing off towards one of the hands. Naruto hastily tried to knock an arrow, but slipped as the drum sent him up into the air again, bouncing right off his feet. Kyuubi was yelling something frantically, but Naruto couldn't register what.

It became clear when the two hands clapped together, crushing him between them. A sickening 'snap' was heard, making Kyuubi wince visibly. "Okay, that had to hurt…"

The hands released him, and he fell limply onto the ground, moaning. "I think they destroyed my spine," he said weakly. "I feel fragile."

"Get up," Kyuubi pulled him to his feet by the hat. "Get your damn arrows ready in time, before the hands feel duty-bound to give you a big, comforting hug."

Naruto muttered darkly, climbing to his feet, which was impressive in itself, considering the shape he was in and the fact that he was still bouncing.

"Damn it," he hissed, sending an arrow towards the left hand that Kyuubi was hovering around pointedly. "Hit it…"

The hand recoiled, turning blue and shaking. Naruto brightened, aiming for the next hand.

"Crush that damn bitch of a fairy!" Tayuya ordered, taking the flute from her mouth long enough to screech at the mobile hand. She began playing again furiously, and Kyuubi looked livid.

"Sorry, _what_ did you just call me?" he asked, trying to control his now-squeaky voice. "I _know_ you didn't call me what I _think_ you called me."

"I called you a bitch…_bitch_," Tayuya sneered. "What do you plan on doing about it? Cry me a damn river?"

"Shows what you know," Kyuubi sniffed. "Dams block rivers, you psychotic, bratty, foul-mouthed -"

"Shut up!" Tayuya screeched. "Kill the little glowing bastard!"

Kyuubi barely managed to flit away and out of range of the hand before it balled itself into a fist, trying to maim Kyuubi in the process. Unfortunately, while they were bickering, the other hand regained it's movement, and began it's pursuit of the fairy.

"Hey! Stay away from my fairy!" Naruto shouted, blindly sending a stream of arrows loose. The hands both turned blue and went limp, and Tayuya herself shrieked in pain. Naruto's expression lit up as he whipped out the Lens of Truth to see Tayuya, standing near the edge of the drum, chest heaving.

"Take this!" Naruto brought his sword down on her, sending her sprawling towards the ground. She spat out a mouthful of blood, wiping the corner of her mouth and smirking before disappearing again.

"You've done a good job of keeping up, you piece of shit," she said venomously. "Let's see you struggle against this!"

Naruto looked around, looking paranoid, as her laughter rang out, echoing across the room, followed shortly by a brand-new, but still creepy, flute song. The hands began pounding on the drum again, changing the rhythm and making it extremely hard for Naruto to stay on his feet.

"Twerp, get a grip on the floor!" Kyuubi yelled, but it was practically impossible for his voice to carry over the racket. The sounds of Tayuya's flute and the drum echoed too loudly, masking all other noise. Naruto reached for his bow, only to find he had only a few arrows left.

"What?" he gaped. "What happened to my endless quiver of arrows?"

"Looks like your luck ran out, you bastard," Tayuya said triumphantly. "Eat shit and die!"

Suddenly Naruto stiffened, mouth hanging open wordlessly. Tayuya's form flickered into view behind him, jabbing him in the back with a kunai. Kyuubi's jaw dropped in disbelief.

"No way…" he said weakly. "That…that just doesn't…it can't happen…"

Naruto fell to his knees, making the drum vibrate. His eyes were wide in shock and fear, and his pupils were dilating. Kyuubi flew up and smacked him across the face before grabbing his collar.

"Snap out of it, you stupid…stop acting so…" Kyuubi shook him, eyes wide and shining with concern and disbelief. "Don't act like such a…"

"And then there was one," Tayuya laughed, twirling the kunai around her finger. "I guess there isn't really one, though, is here? You're just a bitchy fairy. You can't do shit. That makes me the winner then, doesn't it? Lord Ganondorf will be pleased." She snickered. "He'll be really pleased, and just for killing that little bastard. What a damn waste of my time…"

Kyuubi began to chuckle softly. Tayuya froze, snorting and giving him a dumbfounded look.

"What, have you gone crazy, bitch?" she snapped, knocking him away. He landed on the drum, not even making a sound due to his lack of body mass. Kyuubi began laughing hysterically.

"Oh, come on," Kyuubi cackled. "You honestly believe that he's dead?"

"He looks pretty damn dead to me," she retorted.

"Then I guess you're even stupider than you look," Kyuubi chortled, venom almost dripping from his voice. "That's the thing about the Hero of Time, brat. You'll find that he's a little harder to kill than your average hero…"

Tayuya began backing away, eyes wide. "N-No…but I…you're _dead!_" she hollered, pointing at the rising 'corpse'.

A small pink fairy tickled Naruto's nose with fairy dust, making him sneeze slightly and giggle. "I don't see what you have against common fairies, Kyuubi," Naruto said conversationally to the kitsune, who flew back up as though nothing had happened.

"They're beneath me," Kyuubi said haughtily. Tayuya stammered incomprehensibly.

"Well, I guess I should keep fighting, dattebayo," Naruto sighed. "Unless the battle's somehow done by now?"

"You keep hoping that," Kyuubi answered dryly, flitting over to one of the still hands. Naruto shot at it, then shot the other. He then turned around and shot Tayuya from close range. Still in shock, Tayuya didn't even have time to react. Her eyes bulged out as she gasped in pain, grabbing the arrow.

"You…bastard," she wheezed with a slight chuckle. "I…can't…die…either!"

She jumped backwards, laughing slightly, pulling the arrow out with a sickening pop. "It looks like we'll just be stuck here, fighting forever," she said, a hint of triumph in her voice, "and by those standards, I still win! There's nothing you can do!"

"There's something I can do, though," an irritated voice said from off screen. Naruto's head snapped to the side, and he blinked at the person who had walked on, looking completely shocked.

"Shikamaru?" he said incredulously. "What are you doing here?"

"This is so troublesome," Shikamaru sighed. "Just kill her now."

"Right," Tayuya sneered, although she looked as if she was still reeling slightly at seeing Shikamaru. "What do you think I'm planning to do, you bastard, just stand here and take it?"

Shikamaru smirked. "Exactly." He lifted one arm, making a fist. Tayuya copied him, eyes growing wide. The lazy genius then extended his arm, and then brought it back close to him. Tayuya did the same. "You should know better than to try to contradict me in my own domain," Shikamaru grinned slightly. Tayuya began swearing at the top of her lungs.

"Damn you, you damn shit-eating bastard! I'll kill you! I'll kill you and your damn, shit-eating friends, you fu -"

"Do it!" Shikamaru yelled at Naruto over Tayuya's ranting. The blonde looked startled, but drew his sword. Kyuubi, on the other hand, looked content to watch, a malicious smile on his face. He waved merrily at Tayuya as she screeched at the top of her lungs.

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"Got any sixes?"

"Go Fish," Naruto told Kyuubi, who muttered a curse and drew another leaf, adding it to his pile. "Thanks for waiting with us, Shikamaru," Naruto said to the other ninja, who was lying sprawled out with a few leaves in his hand. "Not to mention how you helped us against Tayuya."

"It was troublesome," Shikamaru sighed. "Do you have any Kings?"

"Damn it, how does he always do that?" Kyuubi sounded frustrated as he handed a leaf over. Shikamaru gave him a disturbed look, but accepted it.

"Yo," Kakashi greeted, walking on screen. "Hope you weren't waiting long. I was just talking to the casting director about the part of Mayor Dotour in the sequel."

"LIAR!" Naruto yelled, throwing down his 'cards'. Shikamaru did the same, standing up.

"I'll see you later, Naruto," he waved, walking off screen. Naruto didn't seem to hear him.

"We waited _three hours_," he hissed angrily.

Kakashi shrugged. "Whatever. Just take this Medallion."

Naruto looked at him suspiciously. "What, no long speech about how I have to find Princess Zelda?"

Kakashi blinked his one visible eye. "Well, there you go. You already seem to know the gist of my speech, so I won't bother."

"Sounds fair," Kyuubi whispered to his charge. "He did just waste three hours of our time."

"This Medallion has my power in it, which you'll probably find useful," Kakashi droned, not looking up from his book. "Have fun."

A purple Medallion lowered from the ceiling from a thick rope. Kyuubi snorted. "Glad to see they finally got their Medallion-lowering device fixed. It only took until the Shadow Temple, too!" he clapped sarcastically. "Good job, stagehands!"

The stagehands, including Iruka, all looked abashed. Naruto flicked Kyuubi, shooting an apologetic look towards Iruka. The screen went blank.

"What, there's no witty line to close the chapter with?" Naruto remarked, the screen still white.

"You want her to keep us here longer?" Kyuubi asked incredulously. Naruto hesitated.

"No…I guess not."

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Naruto blinked, pulling Gamabunta's reigns to get him to stop. "Hey! That was a false ending!"

"Very astute," Kyuubi drawled from atop Naruto's hat. "I blame you, personally. You're the one that mentioned the chapter-closing thing."

"Oh, damn it," he buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry."

"Just keep going," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "The chapter has to end eventually. Just go one like usual until then, twerp."

Naruto sighed, urging Gamabunta to keep going. Then he frowned. "Hey…this strangely exotic and upbeat music sounds familiar."

"Not to me," Kyuubi shrugged. "Maybe you're imagining it."

"I don't think I am," Naruto protested. "I think I've been here before…that's right! Kiba was here!"

"We're in Gerudo Valley right now," Kyuubi said doubtfully. "Are you sure you saw Kiba here? Men aren't allowed."

"I'm sure of it," Naruto insisted. Suddenly he straightened up and pointed. "There he is! HEY, KIBA!"

Gamabunta once again made the impressive leap across the bridgeless chasm, his talent going unnoticed and unappreciated. Gamabunta whinnied irritably. How he despised being a horse…

"Kiba!" Naruto hopped off the side of the frog-horse, landing in front of him with a sunny smile. "How's it going?"

"So glad you asked, hero," Kiba said morosely. "My carpenter dogs are missing. They ditched me, saying animal labour was criminal, and that they were going to join the Gerudo thieves. I wouldn't ask anyone to do this for me, but since you're the hero, would you mind going to check on them?"

Naruto and Kyuubi exchanged looks.

"Another damn side quest," Naruto groaned.

"This wouldn't have happened if you had just let the damn chapter end on time," Kyuubi muttered.

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(1) That's right, people, a Pirates of the Caribbean reference! If you haven't seen it…well, then, go do so. It's possibly the only movie by Disney in the entire world I can tolerate. Not only do I tolerate it, it's awesome. Go see it, now.

Alright! Coming up next are the bad, beautiful bandits, the Gerudos! Any guesses? And just so everyone knows, through the miracle of plot devices, only one person will be playing the entire race of Gerudos!

So do I have you stumped? Only three new characters, including the Gerudos, have yet to appear, everyone!


	32. Logic Has Nothing to do With it!

Alright, first off, before I even put in my disclaimer, I'd like to apologize for a screw-up last chapter – I said there were three characters left to appear, including the Gerudos. What I meant was three characters left, NOT counting them. Now, the disclaimer, done by our favourite fairy, Navi!

Navi: HEY! LISTEN! LON doesn't own Naruto or Nintendo!

(Rubs ears) Thank you, Navi, for that piercingly high-pitched disclaimer…and now, my thanks! Thank you, **EvilFuzzy9** and **Wolf Demon Kunoichi13** for answering my question last chapter! Also thanks to **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, **PTalim**, and **Lyemi** for being my first three reviewers for chapter thirty-one!

And I've decided that I will write the companion fanfic with the outtakes and such. It'll probably be a one-shot, and I'll write it before a start the sequel, Anbu's Mask.

Alright, roll the chapter – and take the cap OFF the lens this time…!

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"Stupid kid! Get in there and keep quiet!" A rough female voice laughed. Naruto yelled as he was tossed into the cell from a hole in the ceiling, landing painfully and flashing red. He groaned, pulling himself up into a huddled ball, rubbing his arm gingerly. Soon after followed Kyuubi, his wings stuck together with scotch tape, protesting loudly.

"It was an accident!" he hollered as he fell. Naruto looked at him gloomily.

"I warned you not to do it," he said gloomily. "Was it worth it?"

"Not really," Kyuubi sighed in disappointment. "Pretty roomy in those damn parachute pants. I could've gotten hopelessly lost in there. Although, it was pretty awesome when she reached in to grab me," he snickered.

"I'm glad," Naruto narrowed his eyes, "since it's because of _you_ that we were caught and thrown in here! It's entirely your fault, dattebayo!"

"Relax, twerp," Kyuubi soothed. "Be happy. You should at least feel a bit grateful that you don't have wings. They taped mine together, look." He turned, craning his neck to look wistfully at his immobile wings.

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Naruto exploded. "We're going to be stuck here for the rest of our lives, dattebayo! We're stuck in this stupid little cell with no way out until the those thieves decide what to do with us, and since they serve Orochimaru you can be as sure as hell that it won't be good!" He slumped against the wall hopelessly.

"…By the Goddesses, twerp, you sure can't assess a situation to save your life," Kyuubi smirked. "Literally. Take another look around and count again. There are two ways out of here."

Naruto scowled. "Yeah, and both of them are too high up for me to get to. Without the tape, you could fly up there just fine, but there's no way I can get out. You don't have any body mass, so you can't pull me up."

"You're underestimating me?" Kyuubi sounded highly insulted. "If you'll recall chapter twenty-six, where I not only managed to pull you all the way down a corridor, I was fighting the suction force of a whirlpool. That's not my point though," he waved a hand carelessly, pointing up at the exits.

"As I said, two exits," he gestured emphatically at the hole in the ceiling. "Forget completely about the first one; it's too high up and there's nothing about it that could help us. The other one, however…" he shot a fox-like grin at his charge, who was now listening intently, though unwillingly. "The lower one has a wooden overhang within the range of your Longshot. The hole is thick enough to give you enough room to stand when you bring yourself up."

"Kyuubi," Naruto said reverently, "I forgive you. Need me to peel the tape off your wings?"

"About damn time," Kyuubi growled, flicking his wings irritably. "Din knows how loved I feel when my own charge won't let me fly…"

Naruto flinched at the slight ripping sound the tape made as it peeled carefully away from the fragile wings. Kyuubi stretched them joyfully, taking off quickly and hovering around Naruto's head. "Damn, that was uncomfortable," he said contently. "Alright now, twerp. Let's bust out of here."

"You seem to very good at this," Naruto commented, getting out his Longshot. Kyuubi shrugged modestly.

"Well, you know…I've orchestrated my fair share of jailbreaks in my time," he preened.

Naruto was yanked upwards by the chain, the hook firmly embedded in the wooden overhang. He dropped slightly down to windowsill, overlooking Gerudo Fortress. Below, several replicas of Tenten patrolled, holding long spears and looking around every once in a while. Several kunai hung from their low-slung beaded belts, a necklace of shuriken decorated each Tenten's neck, and the bottom of their pants were tapered at the ends, it seemed, by scrolls. In short, each guard was armed to the teeth and roughly forty feet below him.

Naruto paled and hesitated. "Uh…I don't suppose you would approve if I jumped back down that way?" he pointed back down at the jail cell. Kyuubi narrowed his eyes disdainfully.

"Unbelievable," he said, pronouncing each syllable slowly and deliberately. "Whatever happened to 'I'll never be afraid of heights again'?"

Naruto looked offended. "And when, pray tell, did I -"

"Chapter thirty, page eight, paragraph eight," Kyuubi replied before Naruto could even finish his sentence. Naruto looked indignant.

"And whatever happened to -"

"Citing the script became legal again after the time skip," Kyuubi smirked. He was enjoying this.

"…Fine," Naruto mumbled, turning back towards the impending drop. "I don't suppose you could -"

"If I push you, you'll probably land painfully and I'll have to deal with another lawsuit," Kyuubi drawled. "Just jump and get it over with, or do you really want to be known as the Hero of Time who never ended up doing his job because of a case of acrophobia?"

"I don't have a problem with spiders," Naruto blinked, confused. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Acrophobia, the fear of heights, stupid," he smacked the blonde on the back of the head, making him stumble forwards and fall off. Kyuubi smacked his forehead. "Damn it, I did it again…"

Naruto yelled all the way down, luckily not drawing any attention from the weapon-clad Tenten army, and landing with a loud, ground-shaking thud. Not one Tenten looked in his direction. Cautiously dusting off his shoulders, he looked around shiftily, retreating through a doorway. Kyuubi followed, muttering curses about blood-sucking lawyers and judges that wouldn't accept bribes.

The room was simply…a room. All that decorated it was a barred cell and a door, blocked by chains and a keyhole. Sitting inside the cell, howling mournfully, was a depressed looking, familiar dog.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen…" Pakkun warbled, clanking a metal mug against the bars. "Nobody knows my…hey!" Suddenly, he took notice of Naruto, standing up on his hind legs and panting joyfully. "Hey, you! Young man, over there! Look over here, inside this cell!"

"AH! A talking dog!" Naruto screamed, scrambling backwards into a corner. Then he blinked and walked over, looking slightly sheepish. "Oh, yeah…sorry. I forgot that I knew dogs could talk already."

"Honestly," Pakkun rolled his eyes. "Did you think any normal dog could become a carpenter? Only a ninja dog could have that kind of awesome skill."

"And modesty," Kyuubi noted. "So, is there any particular reason you called us over here?"

Pakkun gave him a flat look. "You two are the heroes, which makes you obliged to hear me out."

"Damn," Kyuubi snapped his fingers. "I hate that clause in our contracts."

"Just bust me out of here, will you?" Pakkun looked imploringly at Naruto. "We go back, after all, don't we, kid? We worked together a couple of times when Kakashi sent me out to follow you and such. Do me this favour?"

"We heard you out, so we can go now, right?" Kyuubi said, tugging on Naruto's hat. "Come on, kid, we have things to do…"

But Naruto wouldn't move. He stared down at Pakkun, melting. "Aww, but Kyuubi…"

Kyuubi cast a quick glance at Pakkun and froze, reluctantly looking back at him. His eyes went wide and he groaned.

Pakkun was looking up at the both of them with the most adorable, begging puppy-eyes in history, silently baiting them with the relentless assault of cuteness. Naruto cooed, trying to pet him by sticking his fingers through the bars, and Kyuubi was repeatedly hitting himself on the head.

"Alright! Alright, just stop with the face!" Kyuubi yelled. "We'll get you out of here…by the Goddesses, honestly…"

"I thought you'd see it my way," Pakkun looked extremely pleased with himself. "Just be careful. There's sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere…around…here…"

"I don't like the way he trailed off cryptically," Naruto said fretfully to Kyuubi.

"Whoa! Watch out!" Pakkun literally barked, starting the battle music. A Tenten replica, armed with two long, curved blades rather than a spear, dropped down from the ceiling, her face half-concealed by a veil. Her eyelids were heavy with gold eye shadow, making her nearly unrecognizable under the thick layers of makeup. The dark hair twisted in familiar twin buns was the only thing about her that looked the same.

Off screen, Neji looked extremely uncomfortable. "She looked better without all that stuff," he mumbled. Hinata flushed red, looking surprised.

"N-Neji?" she said timidly, tapping him lightly on the shoulder. He looked startled, turning nearly the same shade of red as his cousin. He whirled around, looking threatening.

"You heard nothing," he said vehemently. "If you tell _anyone_ I said that, I'll carry out my plan to blow up the Main House."

"Y-You promised you wouldn't!" Hinata protested, following him as he stamped off into the audience.

On screen, Tenten was holding out the swords horizontally, circling around Naruto, brandishing the blades threateningly. Naruto gulped, taking out the Biggoron sword.

"Sorry, Tenten," he apologized, slashing his sword at her. They clashed against the double blades, bouncing off with a clang. Tenten rolled to the side, hooking the blades around Naruto's neck and thrusting her foot into the blonde's stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He fell back, balancing backwards on his hands and sweeping Tenten's feet out from underneath her with his leg.

"Want help, twerp?" Kyuubi offered, drawing his spork. Naruto's eyes went wide, and he opened his mouth to answer as Tenten sprung back up with a back flip, flicking her wrist to send her sword whizzing past the side of Naruto's face.

"She's one of my friends!" he protested, propelling her backwards by jabbing his elbow into her shoulder. "You can't use your spork on her! That would probably _kill_ her!"

"Just thought I should offer," Kyuubi shrugged, taking out his nail file.

Naruto grunted painfully as Tenten's foot impacted with his jaw, swinging his sword right over the top of her head. Tenten did a cartwheel to avoid him, slicing the side of his sweat suit. The blonde yelped indignantly.

"This was just dry-cleaned yesterday!" he whined, slashing her across the chest. Tenten gasped slightly from pain, jumping right over his head and trying to strike him across the back. Naruto rolled forward, managing to avoid the double swords. He kicked back, hoping to hit the thief. Tenten yelped and clutched her bruising shin.

"Okay, that's enough," Kyuubi sighed, side checking the girl into the wall. Tenten was sent sprawling, scraping her head painfully against the stone. She groaned, jumping up and away, dropping a small key.

Naruto grabbed the key, torn between looking thankful or scowling. "I told you not to interfere," Naruto chided. "You could've really hurt her, you know."

"I didn't, though," Kyuubi pointed out. "She left with a bruised shin, a footprint on her stomach, and a bleeding scrape on her head. Nothing too bad. In any other case, she'd probably be dead."

"Unlock the door now, kid!" Pakkun reminded them of his presence. Naruto hastily unlocked the door and opened it, letting Pakkun out.

"Thanks," Pakkun said, walking out of the cell and sitting at his heels. "My fellow carpenter dogs and I were thrown in these cells when we tried to join the Gerudo thieves. We figured that even though they don't accept men, they'd be fine with us since we can do this." He gave the camera a lovable puppy face. "There are three of us left. Please free them, too, will you?"

"Your story leaves me with one pressing question," Kyuubi stopped him before he could leave. "If the Gerudo have cells like these, why did they bother throwing us in the one prison that we could escape from?"

"Don't question your blessings," Pakkun shrugged, wagging his tail contently as he walked away.

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Akamaru paced glumly around his cell, whimpering piteously. His ears perked up at the sound of footsteps coming closer from down the hall, but shrugged it off. It was probably just another Gerudo guard, patrolling or coming to stare at him and squeal about how cute has was.

"Three out four isn't bad, twerp," someone was saying. "Let's just get going. If I have to push any more scantily clad women into walls, I'll probably burst into…HEY!" The voice became angry. "Which one of you?"

"Neither of us, Kyuu," Farore responded sulkily.

"Although we'd _like_ to shove those thieves into walls," Din said, a note of cheerfulness in her voice.

"Oh…I guess that's just my violent tendencies, then," Kyuubi blinked. "Wait, what's wrong with you two?"

"Oh, it's not just the two of us. Nayru's upset too, but she won't say anything," Farore informed him. "Nayru gets real quiet when she's depressed."

"Yeah, _why_ are you upset?" Kyuubi repeated.

"Like you don't know, Kyuu," Din said petulantly.

"Just leave us alone," Farore huffed, and they disappeared from the sky. Naruto and Kyuubi exchanged helpless looks before the kitsune shrugged.

"Women," he said, by way of explanation. Naruto nodded in agreement. Akamaru, having realized by this point that they certainly weren't guards, began yapping frenetically to get their attention.

"Hey! It's Kiba's dog, Akamaru!" Naruto crouched down outside the cell. "So, you're the last carpenter, huh?"

Akamaru barked incomprehensibly. Naruto nodded thoughtfully, stroking his chin. Kyuubi gave him a flat look.

"Twerp, you can't understand him," Kyuubi told him flatly. Naruto nodded.

"Dully noted," Naruto said seriously. Kyuubi hit him upside the head.

"You mean _duly_ noted, idiot," he snorted, "and you don't even know what that means."

"So?"

Akamaru began barking again furiously, clawing at the bars. Naruto's attention snapped back to the canine, and he began nodding, occasionally saying, "Uh-huh," and "You don't say…"

"Twerp," Kyuubi ground out between clenched teeth. "I think I may have a slight idea of what he's saying."

"Please," Naruto scoffed. "How could you know what he's trying to say? Unless…you can talk to animals!" he gasped, pointing at the fairy. "You've been holding out on me, Kyuu!"

"Don't call me Kyuu!" Kyuubi snapped.

"The Goddesses do it," Naruto protested, stamping his foot.

"Are _you_ omnipotent?" the kitsune splayed his hands in a 'There you go' fashion. Naruto pouted. "Since when do you pay attention to the Goddesses, anyway? You didn't even believe they talked to me until I went 'missing'," Kyuubi made quotation marks with his fingers.

"What are you talking about, Kyuubi?" Naruto gave an exasperated sigh, looking at Kyuubi in a disturbed way. Kyuubi held back the urge to scream and rip his charge's hair out.

"…It's finally happening!" Kyuubi said after a beat, clutching his head. "I can't remember what the hell I was saying!"

"What Akamaru was trying to tell us," Naruto prompted. Kyuubi snapped his fingers.

"That was it! Anyway, with the evidence I've collected, he can only be trying to tell us one thing," he said. "Taking into consideration the trends of what happened when we saved last three carpenters, the fact that Akamaru seems panicked, and the fact that the Gerudo guard has been considerately waiting in the corner, he's trying to tell us we're about to get into a battle."

"Idiots," Kiba shook his head off screen. Hinata looked at him inquiringly, still out of breath from chasing Neji all around the studio, insisting he get rid of his plans to destroy the Hyuuga main house. Seeing her expression, Kiba explained. "Akamaru was trying to tell them he really needed to go the bathroom."

Hinata sweat dropped.

On screen, the battle had begun, and already the struggle was heated. The Tenten clone tried to bring both swords down on Naruto's head, and he was retaliating by slashing her bare stomach. Tenten avoided by sucking in her stomach and pushing her torso further out, the swords skimming the blonde's shoulders. Alarmed, Naruto twisted to the side, bringing his foot up and around, kicking one of the swords right out of her hand.

Tenten gaped indignantly, twirling her other sword around her head and flipping over, balancing on one hand. Kyuubi wiped a bit of blood from his nose.

"Gerudo thieves are the best enemies ever," he said delightedly, watching raptly.

Naruto locked swords with Tenten, straining against her blade, but she had the advantage. With her free hand, she leaned in closer, punching him in the side repetitively. Winded, Naruto broke free, sending both swords flying to the side, as he retreated. He grinned awkwardly at the advancing Tenten, eyes panicked.

"So…we're both unarmed, then," Naruto said, almost hopeful. Tenten reached for her belt, the movement making the kunai hanging off it knock together. Naruto gulped, and drew his Master Sword.

"Ha! I still have this!" he said triumphantly. Tenten sniggered at the blade. Admittedly, it seemed to pale in comparison to the Biggoron sword. Naruto voiced his opinion.

"This probably looks like a joke to you, doesn't it?" Naruto smirked half-heartedly. "Being the Weapon's Mistress and all. The length and shape of the blade itself is far inferior to the Biggoron, which has the perfect balance and a sleek, sexy design perfectly crafted to cut through enemies in a quick, powerful slash. The force of the blade is almost doubled from the sheer gravity of an above strike, but even a strike from below is deadly with the right momentum. The double-handed nature of the blade, rather than make it harder to wield, adds more strength to each swing, yet the wielder doesn't need to overexert himself. For the same amount of pressure that you would use for a one-handed blade, you can get a much better result from the Biggoron. It's no wonder you look so disgusted – the Master Sword is only second-rate compared to it. Besides all of that, the Master Sword has these stupid looking wing-things on the hilt. I know it's supposed to be decoration, but it looks ridiculous, dattebayo."

"BODY CHECK!" Kyuubi shouted, slamming Tenten into the wall. She groaned in pain, her head rebounding off the wall with a cracking noise, bloodying her nose in the process. She grabbed her face, jumping up and out of sight. Naruto looked horrified.

"You really hurt her!" he yelled indignantly. "You weren't supposed to actually hurt her!"

"I didn't mean to," Kyuubi looked stricken. "I would never willingly hurt a girl dressed like that! I swear, it was an accident!"

Akamaru barked, obviously not caring about the moral discord the two of them were in. Naruto unlocked the door, glaring at Kyuubi. Akamaru yapped happily and ran off.

"You can relax," the real Tenten walked in from off screen, dressed in her Gerudo outfit. "That wasn't even actually me, anyway. Considering that you should technically be killing me each battle, I have no problem with you guys slamming my copies into a wall. I'm not actually hurt."

"Oh, thank the Goddesses!" Kyuubi exclaimed, flying into her and hugging her tightly. "I was so worried!"

Tenten wasn't fooled. She plucked the fairy off her chest, luckily before he sprung a nosebleed on her costume. Kyuubi dripped on the floor, smiling sheepishly at Tenten. She flicked him away, sending him flying into Naruto's forehead. Since he had no body mass, Naruto was unaffected.

"So," Tenten said conversationally. "_You_ let the dogs out."

"So is solved another one of the world's biggest questions," Kyuubi snorted, dabbing his nose with a tissue.

"I've seen your fine work. To get past the guards here, you must have good thieving skills," Tenten ignored the kitsune. "I used to think that all men, besides the great Ganondorf, were useless...but now that I've seen you, I don't think so anymore. That's lucky for you, because I run this place."

"You do?" Naruto said cautiously, almost daring to sound hopeful. Tenten nodded.

"The exalted Nabooru – the second-in-command to the Great Lord Ganondorf and our leader – put me in charge of this fortress."

"Some fortress you're running here," Kyuubi snorted. "A twerp and a fairy managed to get through it pretty fine."

"Look again," Tenten pointed. "Your sweat suit has been decimated. It'll take you ages to find another one like it. As far as I'm concerned, that's at least a partial victory."

Naruto looked down at himself to see that, in fact, his sleeves had been ripped right off, and there were rips and tears all over his shirt. "Aw, man," he whined. "These are expensive!"

"Well, as I said, I'm impressed with you, and I guess we could try to do something for you to make up for it," Tenten hesitated. Kyuubi lit up.

"I'll be accepting your apology on the twerp's behalf," he purred. Tenten flicked him out of the air again.

"I'm going to make you one of us," she declared. Naruto looked slightly intimidated.

"Uh…but aren't you a clan of all female thieves?" he ventured. Tenten nodded. He continued, squeakily, "Are you going to try to…you know…" he moved his shield down defensively in front of his groin. Tenten's eyes went wide.

"Oh, no! Don't worry," she reassured him. He breathed a sigh of relief. "There's no ceremony or anything. All you have to do is take this little Membership card, and have it on you at all times in Gerudo valley. Okay?"

Naruto took the card, eyebrows raised distrustfully. "So…to join your all-girl club, I need a membership card?" he snickered. "You know, for a cutthroat band of thieves, you guys seem to operate like a girls-only club."

Tenten flushed. "We're not like that! Well, there is the slumber parties we have every Friday…and we have this kind of ongoing game of Truth or Dare…but we're not one of those girly clubs or anything!"

Kyuubi and Naruto exchanged looks. Tenten looked flustered. "The point is, you can go around as you please and no one will attack you. You'll find the Spirit Temple where Nabooru lives, out in the desert. To get through it, you'll need the eye of truth I'm assuming you got a few chapters back."

"Hold on," Kyuubi blurted. "So this wasn't a side quest?"

"Not at all. In fact, it was vital to your journey, not that I know anything about that because if I did I would be forced to divulge that information to Lord Ganondorf but luckily I know nothing about it so I won't," Tenten said very quickly. Naruto blinked.

"Uh, thanks," he grinned.

"Say hi to him for me when you're out there, will you?" Tenten called after the blonde as he went to leave. Kyuubi and Naruto both looked back at her, confused.

"…Say hi to who?"

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Sand whipped across Naruto's face, almost coating his body in it. Off to the side, Gaara was complaining to a stagehand.

"Every time it does not fit your budget, you make me do the work for you," Gaara was saying coldly, whipping his sand rapidly across the screen to create the storm. The stagehand grinned weakly, cowering behind his clipboard.

"I'm really sorry, but it's more convenient this way, and you do such a good job…" he laughed nervously as Gaara gave him a look that could have frozen fire.

"…I will finish completing the sandstorm," he said finally. "But you will have to construct your own Spirit Temple. I refuse to make one out of sand."

The stagehand looked stricken. "B-But…but…" obviously realizing that insisting wouldn't an option, he began speaking into his walkie-talkie. "Director? We have a problem…apparently we're going to need a Spirit Temple after all…" he flinched as a loud, angry voice was heard bellowing at him through the walkie-talkie.

Back with Naruto, he had taken cover in a small stone shelter, scraping off the sand that was caked against his skin. He spat out a thick wad of gritty mud, wiping his mouth on the back of his dusty hand. Kyuubi had wisely taken cover under Naruto's hat, and took the opportunity to get out and stretch his wings.

"Damn, that's one hell of a storm," he commented, looking out at the wasteland. "It's amazing you managed to get through that so well, twerp."

Naruto took off his boot and began pouring sand out.

"So, let's see…to do another quick recap, all you really did was cross over this huge river of quicksand by using your Longshot to hook onto a crate on the other side," Kyuubi summarised. "I'm not sure why there was a crate, or who could've put it there in the first place, but we've learned not to ask questions by now. The even bigger mystery was who could've put those poles with the flags on them at specific intervals, so that we could see them but only just barely through the storm."

The last grains of sand trickled out of Naruto's boot. He put it back on, half-hidden by the pile of sand, and took off the other one. He began dumping that one out to make a pile next to the first one.

"So, we've yet to encounter the part where we need the 'eye of truth'," Kyuubi mused. "That's probably coming up…or maybe it's now. I mean, this is kind of a conspicuous place to put a shelter. Besides, all the flags lead to here."

Naruto shook the boot a bit to get the remaining sand out. He then stood up, putting the boot back on. "So, what are we doing, dattebayo?" he asked innocently, hopping a bit to get the boot on.

"Check around this place with your Lens of Truth," Kyuubi said thoughtfully. "In all likelihood, there's something around here that will lead us the rest of the way to the Temple."

Naruto complied, going up the small set of steps. Suddenly a large grin broke out on his face. "Tenten says hi."

Neji scowled at him, floating in the middle of his Lens. "She knows I'm out here?"

"Yup," Naruto nodded. "So, you do have a part in this."

Neji flipped his hair over his shoulder haughtily. "Not really. I'm _way_ too cool for this stupid parody. All I have to do is lead you to the Temple, and then I'm done and I can get back to my trailer."

"Damn it!" Naruto stamped his foot angrily, sending up a spray of sand. "That's completely unfair! Even _Neji_ gets a trailer, and I don't!"

Neji rolled his pale eyes. "Would you mind not whining so I can guide you to the Temple and go?" Naruto opened his mouth to answer, but Neji hastily cut him off. "That was rhetorical."

Naruto grumbled. "Why bother asking a question that doesn't need an answer?" he groused, glaring slightly at Neji.

"Keep out your eye of truth," Neji told him, starting to float away. "It's the only way you'll be able to see me. Try to keep up."

Naruto waited until he was a short distance away before mimicking him rudely. "Try to keep up," he squawked, pretending to smooth down his hair prissily.

"I heard that."

"Damn it!" Naruto swore, running to catch up with him. "I thought you were only supposed to have really good eyesight…!"

"Why else would I be chosen to lead you through a sandstorm? No one else could see but me," Neji answered.

The two of them bickered – meaning Naruto whined and Neji grew irritated – the rest of the way to the Spirit Temple.

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Due to the fact that our Spirit Temple is having…uh, construction difficulties…the Temple shall be postponed until we can get something other than a cardboard cutout! Uh, not that it's a cardboard cutout. We're prepared. Of course we're prepared. What are you, a lawyer? Honestly…

Coming up next chapter is everyone favourite Gerudo leader, Nabooru! Although, technically Ganondorf is their leader…you all know what I mean! Pretty much everyone has it figured out who she is, but are there any guesses for her anyway?

Every review helps hire a construction worker!


	33. Everything Looks Bigger As a Kid

To do my disclaimer this chapter…we have everyone's favourite survivor in spandex, Sheik! However, he has requested that all the fangirls stay at least ten feet away from him at all times. Thank you…hey, that includes you over there! TEN feet I said! …Okay…Sheik, you can do the disclaimer now!

Sheik: (Brings out his harp) Like the flow of time, the ownership of Naruto and Nintendo flows out of LON's hands. Only with a lawyer can she embrace both the ownership rights and time…

…Uh, Sheik? That didn't make sense.

Sheik: Well, usually I have a script for this kind of thing. It wasn't bad for improvisation.

Hmm…yeah, okay. I'll give you that. So! Thanking time! Thanks to **Flames of Insanity** and **Megaolix**, for reviewing first, **Laura J. Rie** who was turned into a puddle by Gaara, **Mikomi-Kiyoko** for saying I had fans (That made my day, honestly) and lastly, **Gorion1928**.

One quick thing before we start the chapter! **PTalim**, be on the lookout for…well, yourself! That's right – for the first time in OoK history, a reviewer is making a cameo! Anyway, to the chapter!

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Kyuubi clutched the blue crystal tightly, nuzzling it affectionately. "Salvation is so beautiful," he mock-sniffled, wiping his eyes as a huge grin broke out on his face. "A spell that gives you protection…what an award-worthy idea."

Naruto looked very disturbed. "I've never seen you pay more attention to the spell the Great Fairy gives us than my Sexy no Jutsu clone," he said frankly. "I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or freaked out."

Kyuubi ignored him, now sweetly kissing the spell. Naruto politely averted his eyes. Above, there was frantic hissing and whispering.

"Look at him," Farore was muttering disgustedly. "Why not just ask Nayru to marry him?"

"This is indecent," Din pouted.

"Oh, but I'm sure you'd be okay with it if he was making out with Din's Fire," Farore hissed. The two of them began bickering again. Nayru wisely chose to stay out of it.

"Well, time for the Temple," Naruto said, tugging the fairy off Nayru's Love. "It's weird, though…usually Haku teaches me some kind of warp song to get to the Temple, but this time he hasn't shown up."

"Maybe he got fired," Kyuubi shrugged.

"They wouldn't fire Haku," Naruto shook his head. "…At least, I don't think they would."

"They probably wouldn't," Kyuubi agreed. "They'd never find a replacement who could pull off the spandex as well."

Naruto gave him a look. Kyuubi looked instantly shifty-eyed. "Or, you know…so I've heard around the audience…you know females and their…loud…talking-ness."

Naruto looked desperately as though he wanted to be convinced as he walked into the entrance of the Temple. The music was low, and the Temple was made of smooth, orange-tan stone. A staircase lead up to two pathways; to the left, a small hole that Naruto could never fit through, and on the right a gigantic stone block that looked impossible to move.

"Are we in the right place?" Naruto wondered.

"Duh," Kyuubi pointed at the words 'Spirit Temple' as they floated across the screen.

"They did a pretty good job building it so fast," Naruto commented, running a hand over the smooth stone. "Last chapter they just a giant cardboard cut-out propped up with a giant sign that said 'The Sixth Sage was here'."

Kyuubi shrugged. "It's not bad. Personally, I liked the Fire Temple better. I felt so much more at home there."

"Then why'd you go on strike for part of it?" Naruto asked accusingly.

"I feel at home in my trailer, too," Kyuubi reasoned.

Naruto walked up to a large statue, with ancient-looking words chiselled into the dark brown stone. "If you want to travel to the future, you should return here with the power of silver from the past," he read aloud, before moving to the other statue opposite. He read, "If you want to proceed to the past, you should return here with the pure heart of a child." He gave Kyuubi a puzzled look. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Remember when you got the Silver Gauntlets back in chapter thirty-four?" he reminded. Naruto blinked.

"That's next chapter, Kyuubi," he said slowly. Kyuubi waved a hand.

"Right, right. Point is, it's in the past," he shrugged. "Got to love those paradoxes, huh, twerp?"

Naruto looked extremely confused as Kyuubi steered him towards the exit. "Point is, you don't have what you need yet. Apparently, we have to get past chapter thirty-four for you to be able to access the Temple as an adult…so, let's get going."

Naruto tried to protest as he exited, but stopped abruptly at the sight of someone familiar. "Haku," he blinked. "I was wondering when you were going to show up."

Rather than respond, Haku looked up at the sky, almost dreamily. "Past, present, future…" he said thoughtfully. "The Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river, and the port for that ship is in the Temple of Time. To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through time's flow..."

Kyuubi let out a low whistle. "A little heavy on the metaphor, but nice delivery."

"Thank you," Haku said modestly. "I've been practicing. It's really too bad you'll only being seeing me again one more time after this."

Naruto, who had been tuning out Haku's speech, suddenly snapped back to attention. "Sorry, what was that?"

"We'll be fleeing again for fun times after this, twerp," Kyuubi replied automatically. Naruto looked confused.

"But fleeing isn't fun…and that sentence didn't even really make sense…" he knitted his brow in bewilderment, pondering this nonsensical statement. Haku gave the kitsune a flat look.

"Nice cover," he muttered sardonically.

"I try," Kyuubi smirked, pretending to be modest. "Now, you were saying something about pirates…?"

"I was talking about the flow of time and comparing it to a river," Haku raised an eyebrow.

"Exactly," Kyuubi nodded. Haku shook his head, giving Kyuubi a very strange look and taking out his harp. Naruto began paying attention again at the sight of it.

"This song's called the Requiem of Spirit," Haku informed him. "I could say something mysteriously enigmatic here, but I won't bother. Use it to get past the Gerudo guards as a child."

"Oh!" Naruto gasped softly. "That's what you meant when you said chapter thirty-four was in the past!"

Kyuubi clapped slowly and sarcastically. "Good job, twerp," he said with false cheer. "You're so clever to have figured that out all by yourself!"

Naruto puffed out his chest proudly, taking out his Ocarina. Sheik plucked out a peaceful sounding melody, and Naruto followed along, breaking into a duet. As they played, a familiar, bushy-browed owl flew overhead, watching them contently. He gave the camera a 'good guy' pose – which looked disturbing, since it was he was an owl – and crashed into the side of the Temple.

In the audience, Tenten and Sakura winced. "That had to hurt," Tenten commented.

On screen, Naruto lowered his sparkling Ocarina, tucking it away. Haku waved briefly, before disappearing with a bright flash. Naruto, luckily, had the sense to cover his eyes beforehand.

"Onward! To the past!" Kyuubi commanded. "And for Din's sake, twerp, this time remember not to try using your Biggoron. The thing was twice your size."

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"I just realized something," a young Naruto frowned. "This parody can technically be considered a crossover."

Kyuubi gave him a blank look. "Yeah…? So?"

Naruto shrugged. "I just never really thought about it before. We're characters from an anime/manga, playing out a game's storyline. Does that make the story more centred around us, or the game?"

Kyuubi sighed, rubbing his temples. "You know, twerp, I would've thought you'd learned not to ask questions after chapter twenty-six…"

Naruto looked confused. "Why? What happened in chapter twenty-six?" he frowned, rubbing his head. "For some reason, that chapter just seems like a blur to me…"

Kyuubi clamped his mouth shut. "Nothing. Never mind."

Naruto shrugged, stepping off the Triforce symbol and onto the sand. Instantly, little green cactus-like Leevers popped up out of the ground, spinning towards him like tops. Naruto avoided them easily, rolling forwards towards the Temple entrance.

"I was just saying," Naruto continued on from before conversationally, "do you think, right now, that we're more Zelda oriented or Naruto-oriented?" he giggled suddenly. "It's funny using my name to refer to the series…it sounds weird to me…"

"Who's there?" a suspicious sounding female voice echoed off the walls. "Kankuro, I swear, if that's you again…"

Naruto walked up the stairs, hands raised. "It's okay, I'm the hero," he said seriously. Kyuubi hit him upside the head.

"You idiot," he hissed. "Don't tell random people that! They could be enemies for all we know!"

Temari, scantily clad in pale lavender with thick gold eye shadow and practically draped in glitter, rose to her feet, scowling. "I haven't seen you around, kid…what do you want?" she asked apprehensively, scanning him quickly. Kyuubi elbowed his charge out of the way.

"I can tell you what _I_ want," he leered suggestively. "I don't believe we've been introduced…"

Naruto snorted and swatted him out of the air. "So much for 'it could be an enemy', you hypocrite…"

Kyuubi shook his head, sprinkling fairy dust as he did so. "You don't even know what that means," he rolled his eyes, "and you could've at least aimed me towards her chest if you were going to do that."

"I'm still here," Temari reminded them. "Answer my question, kid."

"I've forgotten what it was," Naruto replied simply. Temari looked incredulous.

"This is what I've dealt with for the entire parody," Kyuubi confided. Temari looked somewhat stricken, giving the kitsune a pitying gaze.

"Hey," Naruto frowned.

"Just tell me what you're doing here," Temari sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. Kyuubi silently mourned the loss of his eye candy.

"Nothing, really," Naruto shrugged.

"So you have nothing to do? What perfect timing!" Temari declared, unfolding her arms. "Mind doing me a favour?"

"He'll do it," Kyuubi answered automatically, and Naruto nudged him. Temari hesitated.

"Wait a second, I want to ask you first…you wouldn't happen to be one of Ganondorf's followers, would you?" Temari sounded doubtful even as she said it.

"No way!" Naruto drew back, repulsed. "Do you know what he would _do_ to me? I'm an underage boy! Even I'm not that stupid!"

In the audience, someone snickered. Sasuke glared at them. "Shut up," he muttered, sinking further down in his chair.

"Good – I just had to ask," Temari explained. "You've got guts, saying you hate him like that. I think I like you, kid. Not like that," she added hastily, narrowing her eyes at the perverted fairy. "First of all, let me introduce myself. I'm the lone wolf thief Nabooru, of the Gerudo."

At these words, a girl leading a rather expansive pack of both men and women scrambled on screen. "We love you, Nabooru!" one of them yelled.

"We, the NFC – meaning the Nabooru Fan Club – are very pleased to welcome you into this parody, Ocarina of -" the girl who seemed to be their leader was interrupted by a subordinate tugging on her sleeve lightly.

"Uh, Laura, that doesn't look like Nabooru…" she whispered. The leader froze and looked disappointedly at Temari.

"Oh," she said, crestfallen. "Sorry. Let's go back, guys," she called to the others, leading them off screen. Temari simply blinked.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Kyuubi were discussing something fervently, huddled in the corner. "You idiot!" Kyuubi slapped his charge upside the head. "You just told Ganondorf's second-in-command you hated his guts! Nice going, moron!"

"I'm not the one who hit on her," Naruto retorted.

"Oh, come on," Kyuubi snapped defensively. "She's a scantily clad female. Enemy or not, it goes against my nature to _not_ hit on her."

"Whatever happened to 'they could be enemies for all we know'?" Naruto asked, panicking. "We've just encountered the most evil girl in Hyrule, and we just practically walked right into her trap!"

"I'm still right here," Temari sighed bitterly, having recovered from 'her fan club'. Naruto and Kyuubi turned back towards her slowly, big fake grins on their faces.

"Well, it was delightful meeting all three of you," Kyuubi said conversationally, "but we really couldn't impose ourselves on your hospitality…"

"We actually have, uh…a previous…uh, thing," Naruto stammered.

"Don't be a stranger," Kyuubi blew her a kiss before grabbing Naruto hat and getting ready to race out of there at top speed.

"Wait a minute! Don't get me wrong!" Temari protested. "Though we're both thieves, I'm completely different from Ganondorf. With his followers, he stole from women and children, and even killed people! A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years. Even though our laws say that lone male Gerudo must become King of the Gerudo, I'll never bow to such an evil man!"

Naruto blinked. "Uh…wow."

"Sorry to have judged you so harshly," Kyuubi said, sounding surprised. "Excuse us for one moment." He grabbed Naruto and dragged him further away. "Are we sure this is Nabooru?"

Naruto looked quickly at Temari. "I don't see why she would lie."

"Still…the same Nabooru who's Ganondorf's second-in-command in the future, hating him in the past?" Kyuubi frowned. "It doesn't make sense. Nabooru's infamous in the future…she's a cold-blooded killer, but here she's a damn hot rebel. Something had to have happened to change something…"

"You know, I haven't gone away or anything," Temari said impatiently. "I'm still right here and I can hear every word you're saying..."

Kyuubi paled. "Uh…we're, uh, really into video games," he tried to explain. "Really obsessed with that whole quantum physics kind of thing…I'm a science major, actually! We're doing recon work – we're shooting a movie here! We're rehearsing!"

"Relax, I've read ahead in the script too," Temari reassured him. Kyuubi sighed in relief. "In the future, though, you should probably have your private conversations _in private_."

Kyuubi chuckled sheepishly. Temari turned indifferently to Naruto. "What's your name, kid?"

"Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto said enthusiastically. "Future Hero of Time, and I'm going to be the Hoka -"

"Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before," Kyuubi said, clapping a hand over Naruto's mouth. Temari wrinkled her nose.

"Naruto? What kind of name is that?" she snorted.

"Hey!" Naruto frowned, voice muffled by Kyuubi's hand. He absently wondered why his voice was muffled if Kyuubi didn't have hands.

"Whatever," Temari waved a hand. "Look, Naruto, can you do me a favour? I need you to go through this little hole and get the treasure that's inside. The treasure's called the Silver Gauntlets. They give you a lot more strength, so you could, for instance, push that giant block out of the way," she pointed at the block. Naruto's eyes lit up, but Temari recognized the look.

"Don't you dare try to take them for yourself, kid," she hissed, bonking him on the head. "They wouldn't fit you anyway. You have to be a good boy and give them to me."

Kyuubi looked as if it was causing him physical pain not to turn that statement into an innuendo.

"Why should I give them to you?" Naruto didn't sound defiant, merely curious. Temari began pacing.

"Ganondorf and his minions are using the Temple as a hideout," she informed him. "Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak further in. Once I'm there, I'll steal all their treasure and mess up there plans! Sound good, Naruto?"

"What's the point of stealing their treasure?" Naruto inquired.

"I'm a thief first and foremost, kid," Temari shrugged. Kyuubi sighed dreamily.

"I think I'm in love," he breathed, staring at her longingly.

Outside, the sky darkened. "So what do we do to her?" Farore asked darkly.

"We can't kill her," Nayru reminded timidly. "She's the sixth Sage, remember?"

"Hyrule will be fine without her," Din said innocently. "She's not _that_ necessary…"

"Sisters." Nayru sounded sad, but reproachful. Din and Farore gave in grudgingly, muttering darkly. Somewhere, several non-playable characters burst into flame.

"I'll do it," Naruto decided, back inside the Spirit Temple. Temari clapped her hands together joyfully.

"Excellent! You and I, let's give Ganondorf and his followers and big surprise, shall we?" she smirked. "By the way, if you can do this for me…I'll do something special for you."

Kyuubi's jaw dropped as he stepped forward. "I'll be accepting your thanks on his behalf," he said dazedly. Naruto swatted him and Temari narrowed her heavy-lidded eyes.

"Not. Like. That," she said, grinding her teeth together. Naruto chuckled awkwardly, pulling Kyuubi in after him as he crawled through the hole, leaving Temari behind.

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"Hi-ya!" Naruto bellowed rather pointlessly as he finally managed to decapitate the Stalfos. The skeletal monster howled and fell apart, bones scattered at the blonde's feet. Naruto tucked away his Kokiri sword, looking mirthful. "That took twice as long as it usually would for me to kill that," he said reproachfully.

"Yeah," Kyuubi agreed. "Usually it takes you half the time to convince me to kill it for you."

Naruto made a slashing movement across his throat, pointing at the time-lapse line and glaring meaningfully at Kyuubi. The kitsune snorted. "Do you honestly think I'll let you take credit for that one? All you did was duck behind a shield and finish it off."

"I want a new fairy," Naruto glowered, crossing the wire bridge to the other side of the room, avoiding the huge green bubble floating around. "You're mean."

"It's all part of my charming disposition," Kyuubi said dryly, going through the door after his charge. He surveyed the room, scoffing lightly. "Is this entire Temple ripped off some Egyptian pyramid? I mean, come on. An enemy called an Anubis?"

Off screen, the stagehands groaned, Iruka among them. The brown-haired ninja sighed and flipped open his cell phone. "Hello, Hyrule Office of Attorneys? It's us again…thanks, if you wouldn't mind just telling our usual that we'll inform him when the court date will be…"

On screen, Naruto was yelping and frantically padding embers out of his clothing as the Anubis spewed fire.

"Fight fire with fire, twerp," Kyuubi was saying. "It's an old proverb, or something."

"You can't honestly think that will work," Naruto grumbled, glaring at the Anubis as it backed away slightly, floating above the thin platforms.

"Uh, yeah, I really think that will work," Kyuubi insisted, covertly slipping his hand into Naruto's kunai pouch and withdrawing Din's Fire.

"Well, I'll try it my way first," Naruto said diplomatically.

"Does your way involve running at it, sword drawn and hoping it'll run into it?" Kyuubi questioned. Naruto gave a half-shrug.

"Sort of," he said. "I plan on waving my sword around a bit, too. Gives me a better chance of hitting it."

"Brilliant," Kyuubi intoned. "Or, you know, we could do something constructive and less suicidal."

"Kyuubi, I said we'd try both ways, didn't I? Don't get all huffy about it," Naruto chastised, drawing the short Kokiri sword. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and cast Din's Fire, setting the Anubis ablaze. Naruto whirled around accusingly.

"Before you decided to 'get all huffy about it'," Kyuubi mocked, "check out the Anubis."

Naruto looked around, but the Anubis was gone, having burned into a pile of ash. Naruto turned back towards Kyuubi, looking put out. "See! It's not even there anymore," the blonde said, frustrated. "Now how am I supposed to kill it?"

Kyuubi massaged his temples. "It's already dead, twerp. Let's keep going."

Naruto cocked his head at the fairy. "Really? It's dead?" he asked cautiously. "How do you know?"

"Because it's gone," Kyuubi said slowly. "Now let's _go_."

Without waiting for another stupid question, Kyuubi dragged Naruto through the next door. Naruto frowned.

"I thought you said you couldn't open doors," Naruto commented. Kyuubi looked trapped for a moment, but covered it up quickly.

"Look out! ReDead!" he shouted, waving his arms in Naruto's face. The blonde shrieked and ducked into a ball, rocking back and forth and clenching his eyes shut. Kyuubi smirked lightly and said loudly, "False alarm. It was just a shadow…speaking of which, there's a Wallmaster hovering above you."

Naruto stuck up his quivering sword, refusing to budge. By some stroke of luck reminiscent of chapter nineteen, the Wallmaster pounced, impaling itself on the sword. Unfortunately, the blade was too short to actually go right through it, and so the Wallmaster was stuck wriggling on the end.

"Ew," Kyuubi wrinkled his nose. "It's dribbling blood all over your sleeve. Your dry-cleaning bill is racking up really fast."

Naruto yelped, jumping to his feet and waving around his sword. The Wallmaster seemed to be quite firmly stuck. He banged it against a wall, making it squeal (no one's sure how it managed to do so without a mouth, or even vocal cords) and shake loose from the end of the sword. The scabbed severed hand fell limply to the ground, twitching slightly, but otherwise unmoving.

"Well, I think that takes care of that," Kyuubi said brightly. "I think you should next turn your attention to the silver rupee puzzle…not that it's much of a puzzle. I mean, how old do they think you are, four?"

"I don't know what to do," Naruto said innocently. Kyuubi smacked his forehead.

"I'm the babysitter to a hero who would trip over his IQ if was any lower," he muttered to himself. "Somehow, it really seems unfair that I had to go on _strike_ to get my rights…"

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Naruto simply stood there, staring around curiously at the huge central room. Kyuubi also stared, but his gaze was fixed on one place.

The room was mostly empty, with large staircases up the sides of the walls. What took up most of the room was the gigantic statue of a woman, dressed in Gerudo garb and sitting cross-legged with her hands held out like platforms.

"…Biggest I've ever seen…" Kyuubi marvelled. Naruto gave him a dirty look, but the kitsune seemed to be too entranced to notice. Naruto snapped his fingers in front of his face, almost startling him out of the air.

"Huh?" Kyuubi blinked at the reproachful-looking Naruto. Kyuubi shrugged helplessly. "I was talking about her hands, honest."

"Yeah, okay," Naruto snorted dubiously.

"I was!" the kitsune insisted. Naruto ignored his many protests and pushed the statue onto the switch below, unblocking the door at the top of the staircase. Kyuubi blinked. "How did you know to do that? Without me even telling you?"

Naruto shrugged. "I didn't. I just wanted to push the statue."

"Ah," Kyuubi sighed. "Here I was hoping maybe you were learning to do things for yourself, so I didn't have to coddle you anymore."

"What do fish have anything to do with this?" Naruto gave Kyuubi an odd look. The kitsune whacked him.

"Cod_dle_, not codfish," he said. "By the Goddesses, you get even dumber as a child. It's a miracle you even survived."

"Shut up," Naruto replied, walking up the stairs. "You think you're all smart, just because you know what words mean…"

"No," Kyuubi arched one eyebrow. "I think I'm smart because I'm always right."

They went through the door, and Kyuubi suddenly groaned loudly. "There are three damned puzzles in this room," he griped. "This sucks. It'll take us forever to get through these."

"It won't take that long," Naruto comforted. Kyuubi gave him a look.

"Let's see…first I need to figure out exactly what to do. Then I have to explain what to do. Then I have to re-explain it in smaller words. Then you'll start doing it. Then I'll stop you because you're doing it wrong. Then I'll have to stop and think about how to undo what you just did. Then I'll have to explain it again, this time possibly using hand puppets and a catchy rhyming jingle. The you'll do it, we'll be happy, and we'll repeat the process for the next puzzle."

"You could just do them all for me," Naruto offered slyly. Kyuubi gave him a flat look.

"Better get started, twerp," he sighed. Naruto cursed and snapped his fingers.

For the sake of the readers, this is where the chapter will end. As everyone knows, this will undoubtedly take a while…

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Alright, that was a pretty average chapter. Next chapter, the brief appearance of Twinrova! Also next chapter, a brief appearance by…well, a lot of people! And also next chapter, we deal with the lawsuit thrown at us by the entire country of Egypt!

The drama! The action! The excitement!

…There won't be much of that next chapter, either.


	34. No, I Don't Do My Own Stunts!

Alright, disclaimer time! Here to do it we have the evil king himself, Ganondorf!

Stagehand: (Looks nervous) …Uh, miss author? Ganondorf didn't show up. He left a message saying he decided not to come at the last second.

(Wide eyes) By the Goddesses, he really is evil! Cancelling an appointment at the last second…! CURSE YOU, GANONDORF!

(Clears throat) Anyway, 500 reviews! Yay! Let's give it up for **Flames of Insanity**, everybody! …I don't know exactly what we're giving up, but we'll give it up anyway! Thanks for being my 500th reviewer, and for being a faithful reviewer since…well, way back!

Also, thanks SO much to **BlooDy-MaY**, who drew me a picture of some of the OoK characters! If I can somehow find a way to put a link to it, I will, but in the meantime, just…thanks, BM! Now, start the chapter!

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"I hate game makers," Kyuubi announced. Naruto, to his credit, seemed to finally be gaining enough intelligence not to take the bait. Unfortunately, this didn't deter the kitsune.

"I timed how long it took for us to do that puzzle, twerp," he said, a malicious glint in his eyes. Naruto shook his head, mentally slapping himself. "Sixteen and a half hours of non-stop block pushing, running around, and torch-lighting. Sixteen and a half, twerp."

Naruto began to slide his eyes shut. He felt horribly tired. Kyuubi continued to rant.

"I mean, we haven't got any sleep since…well, a long while," he snapped. "They're working us like slaves. We're sentient beings; we have our rights! I say we demand a break!"

Naruto began snoring softly. Kyuubi blinked. "Twerp? …Uh, twerp, are you still listening to me?"

Naruto rolled over in his sleep, murmuring contently. Kyuubi groaned as the audience cooed at how adorable he was. "Now I'll never wake him up," he muttered. "Damn it…stagehands!"

Two stagehands ran out immediately. Kyuubi sounded disgusted. "Take the twerp away…he can sleep in my trailer for now," he waved a hand, and the two of them carried the blonde off. "Now what the hell do I do…"

Another stagehand ran on screen. "Kyuubi, sir," she said, breathless. "I have a message from the director."

Kyuubi sighed. "Oh, joy."

"The director says," she began, "and I quote; 'Kyuubi, you damn idiot. He wouldn't have fallen asleep if you hadn't taken so damn long. Too late now. We're going to need a replacement for him in the meantime, and I'm leaving it to you to find one. Before you ask why, it's because I'm terribly busy right now and I can't be spared. Sorry, what was that? No, you idiot, I said double bacon cheeseburger…screw it up again, I dare you. I'll fire your ass. As a matter of fact, you do work for me. I have your contract here. Fine, I'll take my business to another fast food restaurant. As I was saying, Kyuubi – find someone. Fast.' End quote."

Kyuubi blinked. "Why can't the director ever just be to the point?" he questioned. "Be concise for a change."

"The director already answered that," the stagehand inhaled and exhaled loudly. "I was told to say, and I quote, 'Think of it this way. If you had an entire crew that was forced to quote you word for word, would you be concise or to the point?' End quote."

Kyuubi blinked. "Touché, director. You bring up an excellent argument. I still need to find someone to play Naruto's part, though…someone who can put up with my abuse…someone expendable…someone no one will really care too much about…"

"Would you mind letting go," someone off screen asked, with barest hint of a sigh. A stagehand walked on screen, 'escorting' Sai towards Kyuubi. "We've found a temporary replacement," the stagehand said brightly.

"Oh, thank Din," the kitsune sighed, practically bowing to the stagehand. "Excellent. Can you act?" he shot at Sai.

"No."

"Good," Kyuubi said, not paying much attention. "Thanks, random stagehand number ninety-six."

"No problem." And so he was left with Sai. They gave each other apprehensive looks.

"You don't look much like the twerp, but I suppose you'll have to do," Kyuubi said dubiously. "I'm Kyuubi. I'll be your guardian fairy until the twerp wakes up."

Sai shrugged. "Whatever."

Kyuubi raised his eyebrows. "This is going to be a long chapter…" he said dully with a loud sigh. "Who are you?"

"My name is Sai," he answered calmly. "Are you male or female?"

Kyuubi sputtered. "What?"

"Your voice sounds male," Sai explained. "But it doesn't look like you have a p -"

"You will _not_ finish that sentence," Kyuubi warned. After a slight pause of indignation, he answered. "I'm male. A man. A boy. MALE."

"You seem to be awfully defensive," Sai observed.

"I am _not_ defensive!" Kyuubi shrieked. "Just…" he closed his eyes, breathing deeply. "Okay. I'm calm. Look, freak, all you have to do is follow my orders, alright? My first order is to go through that door and kill whatever's on the others side."

Sai blinked. "Why do I need to follow your orders? I thought I needed to follow the director's orders," he said. "That's what the director told me, though. I'll do it."

Kyuubi rubbed his already aching temples. "Good," he said, voice strained. "But this can go on the record. I take it back. I can deal with Naruto. I'm used to it by now. This, I can't deal with."

Unbeknownst to him, it was Farore who happened to be looming over the record at that point. She shrugged, with a slight evil grin, and began scribbling in it.

Din frowned. "What are you…"

Farore shushed her. "He did say it could go on the record," she said, trying and failing dismally at sounding innocent. Din blinked, clueless, before it dawned on her. She grinned.

Back on screen, Sai had entered the room, staring unblinkingly at the hulking armoured figure sitting regally in a tall chair. Eight stone columns, four on either side, decorated the room, lining the sides of the plush red carpet under Sai's feet. He smiled blankly as he looked around.

"Alright, freak," Kyuubi began. "That's an Iron Knuckle over there. You'll need a strategy to -"

Kyuubi stopped when Sai brought out a scroll and a pen. "What are you doing?" Kyuubi looked at him apprehensively, as though fearing he was doing something stupid.

"I'm getting ready to kill the Iron Knuckle," Sai replied, unfurling the scroll. Kyuubi clutched the pen, pulling it from his fingers and chucking it at the wall, annoyed.

"You're supposed to fight like a Hero of Time," Kyuubi snapped. "You can't just…draw at it! You're supposed to stick it with swords and blow it up with bombs…you know, like normal heroes."

Sai blinked. "I don't have a sword."

Kyuubi slapped his forehead, snapping his fingers. A stagehand rushed promptly to his side, and Kyuubi glowered at him. "What do you people think you're doing?" he said incredulously. "You stagehands don't even have real jobs, but you somehow manage to forget to get the damn replacement a sword!"

"Sorry, Mr. Kyuubi, sir," the stagehand apologized tiredly. "We're still working on the other half of the Spirit Temple – we only managed to finish building most of the child's division."

"Most of it?" Kyuubi arched an eyebrow. "Then how did we get through it?"

"You can't possible have forgotten the cut-off lines," the stagehand nodded knowingly. Kyuubi shook his head in disgust.

"Damn, the director's a cheap-ass," he spat.

"Oh, no," the stagehand said. "Our budget is just low. Most of the budget went into buying lattes and hiring that masseuse for Link of the Gorons."

"Ah, that masseuse," Kyuubi's anger vanished. "I guess that's understandable. Still, back to the matter at hand – a sword for the freak. Now."

"Yes, sir," the stagehand squeaked running off screen. In the same instant, a different stagehand ran on, a duplicate of the Master Sword in hand.

"Here," she said, thrusting it into Sai's hands. Kyuubi growled.

"It had to be the Master sword," he gave her a dirty look. "Why not the Biggoron sword? This one's weaker."

"Um…" the stagehand stalled. "It would've been harder to find another Biggoron sword."

"Is that so?" Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "I would think it's be simpler to get another Biggoron, seeing as the Master sword is supposed to be _legendary_ and all."

The stagehand collapsed into tears. Kyuubi snorted. "That's right, honey, let it all out. Feel free to go to my trailer if you need to recover."

She gave him a dirty look through her tears, marching off screen. Kyuubi smirked. "That was kind of worth it. Still, I'd prefer that you have the Biggoron…"

He turned around to face Sai just to see that he was gone. "Freak…?"

Sai had already started the battle, clashing the sword against the Iron Knuckle's thick, shiny armour. Kyuubi looked highly offended. "The twerp never would've started a fight without me," he said in an injured tone, before flitting into the fray.

Sai appeared to be having little trouble with the monster, cutting around it easily and slashing upwards, knocking some of the armour free. The Iron Knuckle grunted, swinging it's axe around at Sai's neck. He jumped up, landing on the axe as the Knuckle brought it around, striking the helmet before jumping off and landing near a pillar gracefully.

The Iron Knuckle lumbered over, knocking the pillar over and reducing it to large chunks of stone. Sai ducked and rolled through, slicing the Knuckle's heels. The Iron Knuckle howled in pain, struggling to keep up with Sai's speed and agility.

"Hey, freak," Sai turned his head to see Kyuubi whizzing alongside him, glaring slightly. "You aren't going to ask me to take care of that thing, or something?"

"No," Sai replied mildly. Kyuubi fell behind abruptly, and Sai continued to race around the room, leaving the Iron Knuckle bewildered. He drew out a bomb, tossing it carelessly over his shoulder. It exploded on contact with the Iron Knuckle, making it shed a good deal of it's armour. The kitsune's jaw dropped.

"He already has it half-beaten…" he muttered, awed. "The twerp wouldn't have been able to do that, even with the Biggoron…"

The Iron Knuckle, having gained speed and agility once it had shed the thick steel plates, began running towards Sai. His smile grew the tiniest bit wider as he held out his sword defensively.

Kyuubi snorted angrily, bringing out his spork. "I've had enough," he hissed. "This goes against everything I've known for the past thirty or so chapters! I have to do something…" he lunged between to two, brandishing the utensil. The three weapons clashed against each other's, making an almost deafening sound. Sai had a fleeting look of surprise.

"I've decided I like you even less than the twerp," Kyuubi snarled, keeping his spork steady. "You don't belong in this parody, so you can just stand back and let me finish this."

"I can't do that," Sai replied steadily. "You should probably just wait for me to finish."

"Like hell," Kyuubi seethed, breaking the three of them apart. The Iron Knuckle roared and attempted to bring the axe down on Kyuubi, who didn't even have to dodge – it's surprisingly hard to hit a floating ball of light with a thick vertical blade. The axe got wedged into the floor, and it tugged at the axe, trying desperately to get it unstuck.

It was too late. Sai stuck his sword in the Iron Knuckle's back, twisting and pulling it out sideways. The monster howled and kneeled, before disappearing, leaving the room empty. The only sign it had ever been there was the smashed pillar. Kyuubi scowled at Sai.

"Listen, you little freak, I could've done that," he said spitefully. "Just because you managed to defeat that thing in practically no time flat -"

"I was instructed to drag out the battle as long as I could hold myself back," Sai interrupted mildly. "Those were my instructions from the director."

Kyuubi's jaw dropped. "You were holding back," he said flatly.

Sai looked curious. "Has this upset you?" he wondered. "I see…that's why you prefer having Naruto around rather than me. You don't want a capable hero; you want one that is dependant on you. Perhaps that is how you measure your self-worth…after all, it's not like you can any other way, since you don't have a p -"

"Shut _up_, you freak," Kyuubi cut him furiously. "Just…stop analyzing me – even though you were WRONG – and keep going."

"My directions are similar to your suggestions," Sai nodded, heading for the now unbarred door. Kyuubi seethed, balling his hands into fists.

"I really don't like this kid," he smacked his fist into his open palm, glaring at nothing in particular and grudgingly following Sai outside.

"HELLO, NARUTO! IT HAS BEEN QUITE AWHILE! IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH THAT HAS ALLOWED US TO MEET AGAIN!"

"Or, y'know, the plot," Kyuubi muttered, not eager about seeing the exuberant owl again. Rock Lee blinked at Sai. Sai blinked back, with that unshakeable smile.

"Hello," Sai said finally. Rock Lee blinked his large, round eyes.

"You are not Naruto," Lee said observantly. "Might you direct me to him? I have a speech prepared that expresses the springtime of youth that I am to deliver!"

"The twerp's dead tired," Kyuubi informed him, clearly conveying how he felt about the situation. "This is replacement for the time being. Name's Sai."

"Oh," Rock Lee blinked again. "YOSH! In that case, please listen attentively to my speech, new hero Sai!"

"Alright," Sai agreed, looking up him expectantly. The kitsune and owl looked disgusted and surprised, respectively.

"You are…willing to listen without complaints?" Lee sounded almost incredulous. "I…you…that is…YOSH!" he bellowed. "I have come to convey my surprise that the hero that travels through time is, indeed, not a myth as was suggested! Naru – uh, Sai! You have truly matured as an adult, and become the majestic hero of legend!"

Kyuubi snorted. "Comparing Sai's maturity to the twerp's isn't much of a comparison."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Sai commented amiably. Kyuubi scowled.

"The entire future of this great, magnificent land of Hyrule rests entirely on your shoulders!" Rock Lee hooted. "I shall now bestow my last advice to you! There are two witches inhabiting this Temple! The only way to defeat them is to turn their magic against them!"

"Alright," Sai said. "Thank you."

Rock Lee looked slightly perturbed, not used to being thanked. "I shall continue to watch your progress, Naru – Sai!" he gave them a 'good guy' pose and began to take off, flapping is wings. "Good bye!"

Rock Lee flew away, gliding off into the distance. Kyuubi looked sorely tempted to hit Sai, but restrained. "For future reference, Naruto would never have acted like that," he informed his temporary charge.

"I was not given the impression that I was to imitate Naruto," Sai said, opening the chest lying on the palm of the sand goddess's hand. "The director only said I was to take over his duties for the time being."

Kyuubi gave him a strange look. "Right, so rather than entertain the readers, you're just doing what he was supposed to do until he gets back," he said dryly. "Wonderful."

"Is there something wrong?" Sai asked politely, pulling out the pair of Silver Gauntlets, making them gleam in the sun.

"Yes, something's wrong," Kyuubi sneered. "These readers want consistency. They want to be _entertained_. Naruto has never failed to screw things up, making things somewhat amusing, but you just coast through -"

His bitter rambling was cut off by a shrill scream. "What the – where are you bitches taking me? Let me _go!_"

"Nabooru," Kyuubi's ears perked up, and he leaned over, searching below with his eyes. Sai did the same.

Below, Temari had brought out a gigantic fan, sending blades of wind at the two figures on brooms circling above her. One of them shrieked as the tail end of their brooms was split in half.

"Ha! Take _that!_" Temari yelled triumphantly. "You can't honestly have thought I'd willingly go down like that!"

"Cut it out!" Sakon screeched at her, lifting Ukon up onto his broom. "How do you think we should handle this, Koume?"

"I don't know, Kotake!" Ukon whined. "She ruined my broom, and she won't cooperate, no matter how often we show her the script!"

Temari laughed haughtily, sending another windy blast at the two of them, before giving a strangled yell. A dark vortex had appeared under on of her feet, pulling in her leg. She grunted, putting her fan aside and trying to pull her leg out. Sakon and Ukon laughed.

"That's what happens when you try to defy the script, little girl!" Ukon cackled. "Shall we finish this, Koume?"

"You're Koume, he's Kotake," Temari pointed out, rolling her eyes.

"Shut up," Ukon snapped at her. "You try keeping the names straight!"

"I just did!"

Ukon made an angry, screeching noise, snapping his fingers and pulling her down faster. Temari shrieked again, spotting Sai and Kyuubi up above.

"What the…who the hell are you?" she called up, seemingly forgetting that she was being pulled into the vortex.

"He's replacing Naruto for a while," Kyuubi called down.

Temari gave him a look. "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?" she yelled at him. "I'm supposed to say a few parting words here!"

"You can say them to me," Sai called, seemingly unconcerned that she was being dragged into a dark abyss. Temari shrugged.

"Whatever," she muttered. "You, whatever your name is! Get out of here, now! These bitches are using black magic on me…!"

"That's _witches_," Sakon corrected, offended. Temari gave one last shriek before she was dragged down completely. Sakon and Ukon guffawed triumphantly.

"Ha! We got her, Koume!" Sakon laughed gleefully.

"That we did, Kotake!" Ukon responded with equal delight. The two of them cackled, looking extremely proud of themselves.

"Oh, you got her, alright," a voice said darkly from behind the two of them.

"It looks like you'll be getting us, soon, too," another lower, creepier voice said, sand snaking around his body. Sakon and Ukon froze and turned, eyes wide. Kankuro and Gaara stood behind him, glaring murderously. Kankuro's fingers twitched, and several Kokiri puppets rose up from the sand behind him, grinning blankly.

"Shall we get going, Kotake?" Ukon said squeakily.

"I believe we should, Koume," Sakon said hurriedly, urging the broom to move forward. The broom was dragged backwards by a tendril of sand, holding it firmly in place. The witches exchanged looks of pure terror before hopping off the broom, screaming their heads off and running into the Temple.

"Mind if we put them out of commission for seven years or so?" Kankuro called up to Kyuubi, a glint in his eye. Kyuubi shrugged.

"Just don't kill them," the kitsune yelled back. "Leave that to the twerp, or else I won't be able to collect on my contract."

The cat suit clad boy nodded once, following Gaara into the Temple. Sai blinked.

"What a rather pointless exchange," he noted. Kyuubi scowled at him.

"Right there," he said, annoyed. "That was a perfect example of why you aren't suited to this parody. Most of the chapters are made up of 'pointless exchanges'. That's the entire point."

"How can something pointless have a point?" Sai asked. Kyuubi shook his head, muttering darkly.

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"You make me SICK," Kyuubi spat at his temporary charge. "SICK. I just…you're like…SICK."

"I thought I've been doing fairly well," Sai said, using one of his many small keys on the first locked door. They had entered the Gerudo Training Grounds for a handful of rupees that Sai had earned back in no time at all. After spending roughly thirty seconds in each room – all the time that Sai had required to complete each task – and Kyuubi was thoroughly fed up.

"You have," Kyuubi sniffed. "You got all the keys already. You only missed one, and from what I can tell you can get it right through that opening over there," he pointed at an unblocked door to the side.

"I'm only following the orders from the director," Sai shrugged. Kyuubi scoffed.

"Whatever," he muttered sullenly. Sai ignored the bitter fairy, unlocking each locked door he came across.

In no time at all, Sai had reached the large treasure chest in the middle of the strange 'maze'. He withdrew the item inside. "They appear to be similar to the Fire arrows, only with ice."

"That would make them Ice arrows," Kyuubi pointed out petulantly. "Now hand them over. You aren't allowed to keep them, they're Naruto's."

"Someone say my name…?" a familiar, sleepy voice said. Naruto, fully dressed and rubbing sleep from his eyes, was being escorted on screen by Iruka. Kyuubi lit up immediately at the sight of him, but made no move towards him.

"Hello, Naruto," Sai greeted. The blonde blinked at him.

"Sai? What are you doing here?" he frowned. "Has the chapter already started?"

"It's practically the end of the chapter, Naruto," Iruka informed him softly. All traces of sleep disappeared from Naruto's face as he looked up, startled.

"It is? I'm really sorry!" he babbled. "Do I have to do everything now? Should I get started?"

"That's why I'm here, Naruto," Sai reassured him. "I took your place for this chapter."

"Really?" A grateful grin spread over Naruto's face. "Thanks, Sai!"

Iruka and Sai left, but only after Kyuubi made sure Sai had handed over everything he had acquired that chapter. He gave Naruto a dark look.

"Naruto, if you EVER leave again and make that freak take your place, I _will_ kill you," he warned. Naruto hugged him tightly.

"I missed you too, Kyuubi!" he said happily. Kyuubi sputtered.

"_Miss_ you? I didn't _miss_ you," Kyuubi scoffed. Naruto hugged him tighter.

"Silly Kyuubi! You hardly ever call me Naruto," the blonde pointed out. Kyuubi blinked, realizing his slip-up.

"Whatever, twerp," Kyuubi struggled to get free, finally prying himself away. Naruto beamed up at his guardian fairy, who looked uncomfortable. "Let's keep going now, twerp! Thanks to you, we lost a lot of time."

"Sorry," Naruto apologized. "You really didn't miss me?"

"Hell no," Kyuubi snorted. Suddenly, a sly voice came from above.

"Hello, Kyuu! Nice to see you again, Naruto," Farore said innocently. "Say, Naruto, care to take a quick look at 'the record'? There might be something interesting in there…"

Naruto looked confused. "Uh, okay."

Kyuubi suddenly looked extremely suspicious, pulling out his script from the chapter. "…This can go on the record. I take it back. I can deal with Naruto," he read his own line quietly, eyes widening in horror. "That…Farore, don't you dare! I didn't mean it, you…!"

Farore giggled. "Come on, Naruto, there's some really interesting stuff in it…"

"Okay," Naruto blinked.

"FARORE!"

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Not a particularly good chapter, or a really long one, and it took ages for me to update…so all I can really at this point is…uh, oops?

That's right, now, everyone! Twinrova has been revealed! There are no more character left to be revealed any more! The guessing is no more!

…Hey, you've read up to this point. Might as well finish it up, right?


	35. The Most Depressing Chapter Ever

(Runs on screen and waves to the cheering crowd) Hello, everybody! Man, have we got a show for you tonight, but before that we have special guest star Nabooru to do the disclaimer, in honour of the current Temple! Everyone, here's Nabooru!

Nabooru: (Whistles innocently)

Stagehand: (Runs on screen) Uh, miss author? Nabooru stole the disclaimer.

Damn it, Nabooru! (Nabooru shrugs and walks away) Wait! If you won't do the disclaimer, you could at least steal the rights for me…!

Thanks to the first five reviewers of last chapter – **Linnorria**, **PTalim**, **Gforce member45**, **Flames of Insanity**, and **Lyemi**!

Those are the announcements I had to make…so I guess we could start the chapter. If you guys really wanted. I mean, we COULD just let me talk all the way through it if you'd prefer…no? Are you sure? Alright, just thought I'd give you that option…roll it!

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"The Wolfos howls as it falls slain. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed. One more life going down the drain. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed," Kyuubi said solemnly, rapping lightly on his set of bongos and tilting his black beret forward. Naruto sighed deeply as he threw open the treasure chest, pulling out the Compass.

"Look, I said I was sorry for taking a break, dattebayo," Naruto whined. "Stop reciting gothic poetry and at least do the recap!"

"Why? It's pointless," Kyuubi took out a black cigarette and stuck it in his mouth. Not to smoke it, just because he thought it looked cool. (1) "Everything is pointless."

"Kyuubi, please?" Naruto pleaded, making his eyes wide and adorable. Kyuubi looked disgusted and sighed bitterly.

"We have gone back into the Spirit Temple armed with the Silver gauntlets," Kyuubi intoned. "So far we have done nothing worthy of note."

"What about that I can push really big blocks now?" Naruto pestered the fairy, who donned a pair of pitch-black sunglasses. "That seems important."

"Nothing is important anymore," Kyuubi began slapping his bongos again rhythmically. Naruto looked disturbed and dragged Kyuubi out of the room, back through the door they had entered. In the middle of the room with a steel trap revolving around it was a Beamos, and three doors – one locked, one barred – were right next to the blonde. Naruto aimed his Longshot at the crystal switch above the Beamos, opening the barred door.

"Dear diary," Kyuubi whipped out a small book and a pen. "Today I met someone just like me – a cold, empty being surrounded by darkness and hate. His name is Freddy, and he is a Beamos. His dark, twisted soul is so dark and twisted that he has no arms or blood. How does he cut himself? I'm starting to hate Freddy."

"…Kyuubi, we have to go," Naruto reminded, tugging on the fairy's wings lightly. Kyuubi ignored him and continued to write in his diary. Naruto sighed, solving his problem by chucking a bomb at the Beamos. Kyuubi looked momentarily stricken before going back to his diary.

"Freddy is no more," Kyuubi said monotonously. "How cruel the Goddesses can be. I need to feel again…we all die alone," he tucked away the diary, taking out his spork purposefully.

"Come on," Naruto sighed, dragging him through the door with him. Kyuubi forgot his spork, instead taking out bongos once again.

"Rupees of silver. A cold, metallic colour. No feeling, no life. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed," Kyuubi recited, and a few people in the audience snapped their fingers in appreciatively. Naruto groaned in exasperation at looked out at the simple rupee puzzle, three boulders rolling from side to side.

"Okay…even if you're acting weird, you can still tell me what to do here, right?" Naruto looked at him hopefully. Kyuubi merely drummed his fingers against his bongos, surveying his charge over the tops of his sunglasses. Naruto fidgeted. "You know, doing that doesn't make you look cool or anything."

"I know," Kyuubi said. "I do it because I can't see through these things. It's like trying to look through a wall. A really, really dark wall."

"Oh," Naruto said intelligently. "Well, can you help me now?"

"I guess," Kyuubi sighed. "The Hover boots will help with that jump there. It's fairly straightforward – go into the little nooks in the walls and get the rupee, and play the Song of Time by that blue Time block over there."

"…Thanks," Naruto blinked. "Are you…normal again?"

"I'm not sure," Kyuubi admitted. "I feel kind of weird…like suddenly, all my self-loathing and sullen teenage angst was multiplied by thousands, and I haven't had teen angst for at least five years."

"Aren't you a lot older than that?" Naruto raised his eyebrows. Kyuubi looked uncomfortable.

"SHUT UP! You don't understand me!" Kyuubi shouted. "You're ruining my life!"

Naruto smacked him lightly, sending him flying into a wall. Kyuubi shook it off, glowering. "That was uncalled for," he muttered, dusting himself off and adjusting his beret.

Naruto took a tentative step out, a golden glow enshrouding his feet. He gained confidence, running out and grabbing the rupee just as he began to fall. The boulder rolled past, dangerously close. With a small shudder, he ducked inside the narrow indent in the wall, tucking the next rupee away.

"Dear diary," Kyuubi scribbled something inside his small black book. "Everyone hates me. I hate…wait, no…I _abhor_ my life. Yeah…abhor is good…I tried to express myself through my poetry again today. I felt that it truly reflected the darkness of my soul, but no one liked it. They just don't understand a dark person…wait, I'm technically not a person…okay, a dark individual such as myself. Conformist idiots."

"Kyuubi, I'm done," Naruto called.

"This is good…I'm putting this on my blog," Kyuubi said decisively, tucking the diary away. "What do you want, conformist twerp?"

Naruto blinked. "Uh, I'm done."

"Oh. Good. I suppose you aren't a total waste of flesh…not like everyone else…" Kyuubi scowled, flitting over to Naruto. Naruto gave him a fleeting look of concern before going through the now unbarred door.

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"I hate, hate, _hate_ Floormasters," Naruto said, clutching his shirt over his racing heart. "I hate them even more when they're invisible…"

"Hate? Ha! Don't talk to me about hate," Kyuubi said bitterly.

"Um…okay," Naruto said, tucking his sword away and looking around curiously. "What do I do now?"

"From what I can tell, you have to turn the mirror around until it reflects light into the little sun faces," Kyuubi informed him. Naruto was silently thankful that Kyuubi had just answered him rather than go on another rant about his tortured soul, but knew better than to say anything.

Silently, the audience and readers were also amazed that Naruto knew better, but knew better than to say anything.

Naruto grunted as he pushed the large mirror clockwise, sending the beam of sunlight into the first sun face. It burned up on contact, dropping a small treasure chest with a loud buzzer noise. Naruto stopped in confusion.

"It burned up," he observed.

"Burned…like the raging fire within me…" Kyuubi murmured. He was ignored as Naruto cautiously approached it, poking it with the tip of his sword. Kyuubi grabbed his wrist, giving him a disbelieving look.

"Stupid," he snorted. "You don't open the chest when there's a loud buzzer noise. That means something bad is inside that will jump out and try to molest you."

Naruto screamed girlishly, retreating the mirror and going back to his task of pushing it. Kyuubi eased back comfortably, drumming lightly on his bongos, humming in what he must have thought was a creepy manner.

Naruto continued turning the mirror until the light was directed at the third sun face, but rather than burn up, it opened it's eyes and brightened. The bars on the door flew upwards. Naruto grinned victoriously, pulling Kyuubi with him. The kitsune's jaw dropped.

"You know…somehow it seems a lot more impressive when you actually take a look around," Naruto observed, looking around the huge, familiar central room. Two identical, tall staircases were on either side of the room, with tall, unreachable platforms across from the highest point of the staircases. But the focal point that drew all attention was the majestic sand goddess in the middle of the room that Naruto hadn't taken the time to study before.

The sand goddess had a blank, calm expression on her face, a snake wrapped around her torso and winding it's way down to her crossed legs. Between her legs was an elevated space between two unlit torches. Kyuubi stared at her shamelessly for a moment, before bringing out his bongos again. This time, a few stagehands broodingly dressed in black, walked on screen, snapping their fingers in time with his rhythm.

"Her soul. Mourning like a dark crystal chalice of death. Her soul yearns for darkness, looking for salvation from life, beckoning for death. My soul and hers. I just want to die. Everyone hates me. My hate is even shared by this statue, so even I must hate myself. I must try to feel alive. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed."

The stagehands snapped their fingers, walking off screen again as Kyuubi put the bongos away. "By the Goddesses, I hate myself," Kyuubi deadpanned. "What are we doing now?"

Caught of guard, Naruto started, still reeling from Kyuubi's poem. "Uh…I think we need to go to the top of the staircase first," he answered, looking incredibly unsure of himself.

"Okay. Let's go," Kyuubi said, sounding bored as he sat on top of Naruto's head. "Hurry up, will you? This atmosphere is stifling my creativity."

Naruto's blue eyes were wide as he nodded slightly. "Yes, sir."

Kyuubi contemplated his feeble existence and the even feebler existence of his charge as Naruto marched up the stairs, being careful not to shake the fairy in fear of triggering another poem or diary entry.

When Naruto reached the top, overlooking the ground that seemed so far away, Naruto gulped nervously. Kyuubi seemed to regain some of himself, as he sat up and shook some of the fairy dust off his body. "What are you doing now, twerp?"

"We're kind of high up," Naruto replied weakly. Kyuubi peered over the ledge and scoffed.

"No, we aren't. You're just being…" Naruto removed Kyuubi's sunglasses, making the kitsune blink a few times. Then he whistled, impressed. "Damn, these people know how to build a staircase."

Kyuubi snatched his glasses back as Naruto fretted. "There's no way I'll be able to make that kind of jump, and if I don't then I'm falling all the way down there. That would probably hurt. I'm getting good at figuring out how much things would hurt, and that would _really_ hurt."

"Do the words 'Hover boots' mean nothing to you?" Kyuubi rolled his eyes. Not that anyone could tell, because you couldn't see his eyes. It was made even harder to notice since he didn't have eyes. "This is why you should be very thankful that we did the Shadow Temple before this one."

A grateful smile broke over Naruto's face and he hugged the kitsune tightly. "Thanks, Kyuubi!"

"Let me go!" The fairy sputtered. "_Hugging_ is not conducive to my tortured soul!"

"Oh, right. Sorry," Naruto released him, digging through his kunai pouch and withdrawing his Hover boots with an inward sigh. Kyuubi flipped open his diary again.

"Today I was denied my right again, the right to feel. What do they know, anyway? They try to stifle me with their stupidity and their…hugs…but I know better. I know that only you understand me diary. That's why I don't want anyone else to ever read you but me."

"If you want to keep it private, why do you say it out loud?" Naruto inquired. Kyuubi jumped and snapped the book shut.

"That's none of your business!" Kyuubi snapped. "What would someone like you know about the darkness?"

Naruto shrugged and ran off the edge, aiming for the open palm of the sand goddess statue. The glow dissolved, letting him fall onto his fingers. He flinched, as though expected them to crumble or give way. Nothing happened. He sighed in relief.

"Honestly," Kyuubi snorted, trailing behind him. "You'll never embrace the darkness in you can't embrace pain."

"Easy for you to say," Naruto retorted. "_You_ have _wings_. Besides, I don't want to embrace the darkness!"

Kyuubi blinked before getting out his diary. "That just earned you a full page of ranting," he said threateningly, scribbling furiously. Naruto sighed, brining out his Ocarina and playing Zelda's lullaby, as the Triforce symbol beneath him indicated.

A small chest plunked down on the statue's other hand, drawing the blonde's attention. The Longshot hook was imbedded in the wood moments later, letting Naruto fly across the wide space and land safely on the other hand.

"I think I wet myself," he said decisively as he opened the chest, pulling out a small key. Kyuubi snickered.

"Now, what did we learn?" he said in singsong, a very characteristic thing for him to do.

"Kyuubi was right when he said not to look down," Naruto grumbled. The kitsune patted him on the head proudly.

"Good twerp. Now come on, there was a door at the top of those steps that need a key, and I'll bet that's what it's the key to."

Naruto gave him a strange look. "The small keys fit to every lock, so it can't be the key to something."

Kyuubi clutched his head. "AH! It's happening! My intelligence is being sapped away by the gag for this chapter! Slowly but surely, I'll become a complete idiot who turns to someone like YOU for advice! If that time ever comes, kill me, okay?"

Naruto blinked. "Um, okay?"

"Wait, that won't work, I'm immortal," Kyuubi remembered, sobbing. "Why has life forsaken me? I'm so depressed…"

Naruto looked utterly bewildered, but just grabbed the fairy's wings and dragged him along after him.

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"Oh, more of those Anubis enemies," Naruto observed at once when he entered the room. "A Beamos, too…and random sections of the floor are missing. This shouldn't be too hard." He tossed a bomb at the Beamos, which exploded on contact, it's head flying across the room and detonating when it hit the wall. "…Cool!"

"And so ends yet another life…when will all the killing end?" Kyuubi mused darkly. "We fight our way onward. Taking life after life. I am already dead. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed." He snapped his fingers.

"That didn't even rhyme," Naruto frowned. Kyuubi hit him on the head with his bongos, nearly concussing his blonde charge. He weaved slightly on the spot, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it.

"…_Ow_," he groaned, glaring slightly at Kyuubi. "That was mean…"

"Mean? Ha! Don't talk to me about mean…ness," Kyuubi glowered, before pausing. "Wait…that kind of didn't make sense…"

"Kyuubi! You gave me a lump on my head, look!" Naruto complained, showing him the throbbing bump on his head where Kyuubi had struck.

"You'll live," Kyuubi said shortly. "Kill the Anubis…es. Anubi? What is the plural of Anubis, anyway? Maybe it's just Anubis…"

Naruto aimed a Fire arrow at the closest Anubis, shooting directly into the chest. Well, not the Anubis he was aiming for. The Anubis quite a bit to the right of the closest Anubis was struck, burning up promptly with a muffled groan. Naruto blinked. "At least I hit something this time, right?"

"Your aim sucks, twerp," Kyuubi snorted. "Come to terms with it."

"My aim is fine!" Naruto insisted. "I can still throw a kunai or a shuriken…I just have problems with arrows…and the Longshot…"

"Don't forget the slingshot, or the boomerang…" Kyuubi droned. Naruto pouted.

"You can't hold those against me! I was still a kid!"

"Technically, you were a kid just last chapter," Kyuubi pointed out with a scowl. "Or you would've been, if you hadn't been replaced by the freak."

"I said, I'm sorry," Naruto whined. "Stop acting so weird! You're freaking me out…"

"Well, I'm _so_ sorry if I'm freaking you out," Kyuubi said sarcastically. "Let me just stop the world for you, you conformist twerp. For Din's _sake_, you're a whiny brat."

Naruto looked abashed as he aimed another arrow at the Anubis. The other Anubis a few feet away was struck. Naruto sighed. "I'm never going to manage to hit that one, I bet." Nevertheless, he knocked another arrow, taking careful aim.

"What so now you're just ignoring me? Is that it?" Kyuubi spat. "Figures. You used to always ask me to do things for you. Maybe you're actually not useless anymore…or maybe you're too stupid to realize how useless you are…"

"Hey!" Naruto whipped around angrily, forgetting he was holding his ready bow. He fired the arrow at the wall. The Anubis, to his side, caught fire, the arrow sticking out of it's head. The bars on the door slid upwards, all without Naruto noticing.

"This is already hard for me," Naruto told Kyuubi, looking put out. "You're making things worse by distracting me. At this rate, we'll never get out of here. So just let me try to kill it, okay?"

Kyuubi cocked an eyebrow. "Alright, you try to kill it."

Naruto stuck his tongue out at the fairy, pretty sure he couldn't see through his glasses, and turned back to where the Anubis was before. He blinked. It was gone, and the door was unblocked. He shrugged – he wasn't one to question a miracle.

"Damn dumb luck," Kyuubi muttered, floating over to the door. He smacked right into a wall, the glasses breaking from the impact. Naruto, from where the door actually was, looked at him confusedly. Kyuubi rubbed his eyes, wincing.

"Couldn't see where I was going," he muttered by way of explanation. Naruto nodded in understanding, opening the door for the both of them.

Two doors blocked by bars were on either side of the room, with a steel trap moving back and forth ominously, as if creating some sort of barrier between the two halves of the room. On Naruto's half were four Armos statues, with a blue switch in the middle of their formation. On the other half was a beam of light streaming down from the ceiling, and a dormant sun face against the wall. Naruto walked over to the nearest barred door, tugging at them lightly as if hoping to somehow break them.

"You're going to have to find something to stand on the switch, twerp," Kyuubi advised lazily. "Unfortunately for you, those statues will react if anything touches them, and you need something or someone to be stepping on the switch while you go through the door."

"Kyuubi, you're a genius!" Naruto praised. "If I fire an arrow at the furthest Armos, I can go through the door really quickly when it presses on the switch to get to me! How did you come up with that?"

Kyuubi blinked for a moment, but then covered his pause with a light cough. "Uh, you know, I'm just a genius that way."

As Naruto knocked a normal arrow, Kyuubi mentally hit himself over the head. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he chastised. "What the hell is wrong with me? I should've been able to figure that one out in a few seconds, flat…but the twerp of all people beat me to it…what is _wrong_ with me…?"

"Kyuubi! Get over here, really quick! I woke it up!" Naruto yelled, as the Armos statue shuddered awake, looking none too pleased. Kyuubi whizzed over, casting anxious looks back at the Armos as it hopped closer to his charge. It jumped forward again, landing on the blue switch and making the steel bars rise up.

"Thanks!" Naruto called to it, racing through the door. Kyuubi tipped his beret cordially before disappearing in after him. The Armos stopped, looking incredibly confused.

"Yes! Brilliant plan, Kyuubi!" Naruto praised. The kitsune looked shifty eyed.

"Glad you thought so," he said evasively. "Let's keep going now, shall we?"

Naruto opened the door, striding through it confidently. In contrast, it was as though a dark cloud had been hung over Kyuubi's head. The cloud knocked against the kitsune's head, in fact, making his grimace and glare at the stagehands off screen. Apologetically, the stagehands raised the cloud a little higher, the wire glinting noticeably.

"Perfect," Kyuubi groused. "Another one of those. That's an Iron Knuckle, conformist twerp. You would know, if you had been there last chapter instead of abandoning me…just like life has…"

Naruto ignored Kyuubi after he had been notified of what the monstrosity in silver armour was. He gulped audibly, approaching it carefully. Kyuubi grabbed his hat, yanking him backwards.

"Idiot, don't start the battle like that," he rolled his eyes. "You have a weapon called a Bombchu. It hasn't been mentioned up to this point because this is the first time it's been relevant so far. Just aim one at the Iron Knuckle, which will wake it up all the way over there. Then chuck bombs at him until you run out. That's the safe strategy. Got it?"

Naruto nodded, rifling through his pouch in search of a Bombchu. "Hey, I found it," he said, pulling out a device with eyes and whiskers. He smiled. "Aww, it's so cute! Look, it has a little face and everything…"

Kyuubi snorted. "Cute? Ha! Don't talk to me about cute," he spat. "Hold it, that didn't make sense either…can't you say something that I can work with? Talk about life. Then I can tell you, ha, not to talk to me about life…"

"You're kind of odd, Kyuubi," Naruto said frankly, putting the Bombchu down. It scurried across the floor, blowing up when it touched the Iron Knuckle. Said axe-wielding monster stood up, looking around for the source irately.

Naruto obviously hadn't taken a good look at the Knuckle, because it was just then that he noticed the incredibly large axe it had in it's hands. He squeaked incomprehensibly.

The Iron Knuckle charged towards the blonde, who forgot all dignity and ran as fast as he possibly could further away from the Iron Knuckle. He tossed a bomb at him, but it simply landed on the ground, merrily waiting for it's fuse to burn out. Naruto screamed.

"Kyuubi! I could use some help…" he called fearfully, as the Iron Knuckle advanced slowly.

The kitsune wasn't listening; rather, he was staring thoughtfully at a pillar, tuning out Naruto's shrieks in the background. He tapped out a beat on his bongos. "Rock structure, built of brick and clay," he recited. "It's darkness never ending. Hatred of these living resonating. Why can't I join you in your loathing -?"

His poem was cut off as Naruto went flying through the air, crashing headfirst into the pillar, crumbling it. He thwacked against the wall with a pained moan, lying limply against the support. Kyuubi stared for a moment. Naruto gave him a weary look.

"…Your destruction was swift," Kyuubi continued solemnly, going back to his bongos. Naruto gaped at him in disbelief. "Why couldn't it have been my destruction? I am already destroyed inside. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed."

"I could use some help, Kyuubi," Naruto ground out pointedly. Kyuubi, instead, flipped open his diary.

"Dear diary…today, I watched a pillar be destroyed. It depressed me. I felt like that pillar was the only thing I could identify with in this cold, cruel world. Yeah…I like the double adjectives there…sounds more dramatic."

The Iron Knuckle charged towards Naruto, axe first, running towards the wall. Naruto's blue eyes widened as he rolled to the side, the axe getting stuck in the stone wall. Seizing this advantage, Naruto pierced through part of the armour with his Biggoron sword, wounding it.

"I've never felt more alone," Kyuubi wrote, saying things out loud as he wrote them. "It's like all I ever had left to live for has been taken…no, cross that out…has been _stolen_ from me, sucked out like the last breath of a dying man. Oh, that's good."

Naruto's sword clashed against the axe, rebounding off the blade and making Naruto take an involuntary step backwards. The Iron Knuckle swung it just over his head, slicing a few blonde hairs. The young hero looked mortally wounded as he spun around the Iron Knuckle, trying to gain the upper hand. The sword cut at the armour's bindings, trying to make the Knuckle shed the silver protection.

"It makes me just want to end it all," Kyuubi sighed. "I feel empty once again…all I can do to replace the emptiness is cause myself pain…" he tucked the diary away, drawing his spork again and resignedly aiming it towards his wrists.

"LOOK OUT!" Naruto screeched in warning, as the Iron Knuckle's axe just barely skimmed past Kyuubi's wingtip. The kitsune flicked his wings, gaping at him and giving it the most offended look her could muster.

"OW! You son of a bitch, that STUNG!" he yelled, now aiming the spork at the Iron Knuckle. "Damn, I'm glad I didn't do that…that almost made my eyes water…"

"Kyuubi!" Naruto said delightedly as his guardian fairy flew to his side. "Are you normal again?"

"Damn right," Kyuubi snorted, throwing the bongos and the diary over his shoulder. "Those were annoying to carry around anyway…heavier than you'd expect them to be…"

Then Iron Knuckle roared again, drawing attention back to the battle. Naruto and Kyuubi held out their respective weapons threateningly, twin smirks on their faces. The Iron Knuckle slowed down considerably, giving the pair an almost wary look.

"Attack it, twerp!" Kyuubi ordered, and Naruto lunged, sticking the sword straight through the monster. The steel stuck out from the Iron Knuckle's back, the blood sliding off thanks to the high-density polish Hiashi had considerately applied to the sword's blade. With a yell, Naruto cut through the Iron Knuckle, killing it. The bars on the doors lifted, and Naruto dropped to the ground with a loud, relieved sigh.

"I wasted a fairy on that battle," Naruto said weakly. "Not that you noticed…you were reciting poetry to that knocked-down pillar."

"I wasn't myself," Kyuubi said defensively. "I still don't know what caused it…"

The two of them walked outside, the sun beating down on them from high above. They stood across from where the Silver gauntlets were found, and a new chest that wasn't there before was on the hand they were standing on.

"Awesome, this place has two items," Kyuubi commented, sliding his beret down over his eyes to block the sun. "Open it, twerp."

Naruto threw open the chest eagerly, eyes wide and glittering from anticipation. Slowly, hands shaking, he withdrew the brilliantly shining Mirror shield.

"It's so…shiny…" he drooled, the light of the sun reflecting off blindingly. A reflection of the shield's design was sent up into the sky, and an irate female voice hissed.

"That's bright!" Farore whined. "Get it out of my eyes! I'm sorry, okay?"

Naruto averted the shield's ray, looking sheepish. "Sorry."

"Hold it, twerp," Kyuubi narrowed his eyes. "Sorry for what?"

Farore snickered. "You have to ask? Really, Kyuu, you can't possibly have forgotten our contest. It has so much to do with you, after all."

"That was part of your…but I have Nayru's Love!" he protested. "I have protection! It's my salvation! You can't touch me!"

"Even Nayru can be touchy sometimes," Din piped up. The two of them snickered as Kyuubi mouthed wordlessly at the sky. Nayru made an apologetic noise.

"Um, I'm sorry, Kyuu, but…you kind of deserved it," Nayru said quickly. Kyuubi looked wounded.

"I deserved it? How did I deserve that?" he said, voice raising a few octaves. The Goddesses were stunned.

"…You're kidding, right?" Farore sounded disbelieving.

Kyuubi sighed. "It doesn't matter anyway. It's done, right? Whatever grudge you had against me, you got your revenge. And in any case…" he looked in the Mirror shield, scrutinizing himself and adjusting his beret. "I think I'm keeping the weird hat. I think the look works for me."

Naruto sighed. "You're asking for it, Kyuubi…"

Kyuubi shrugged and went back to admiring himself in the mirror.

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(1) SMOKING IS BAD! I do not, in any way, promote it. Don't smoke! If you want to spend money, you can give it to me. I promote giving me money.

Also, credit must go to my casting director, who was the one to write the poetry and some of the diary entries! Thanks, bro! I'm sorry I forced you into writing poetry for my own sick amusement!

All reviews go to the Common Fairies Foundation Fund! Remember – the CFFF works to keep Naruto from dying in battle!


	36. I Haven't Been Myself Lately, Doctor

(Whistling Epona's Song) To do my disclaimer here, I have Malon, the sweet ranch girl who won't stop singing! Hit it, Malon!

Malon: (To the tune of Epona's Song) Lackofname…doesn't own…own Nintendo…no, she doesn't own…own Naruto…(Hums)

Thank you, Malon! I didn't know you could turn a disclaimer into a song! …Wait, that's a lie…I had a musical disclaimer before, too…oh well! Thanks to **PTalim**, **AngelWing1138**, **Evil Fuzzy9**, **Blue Skittles and Cookies**, and **Gorion1928** – my first five reviewers, of course! And thanks again to **BlooDy-MaY**, for drawing me that picture – also thanks to **The All-Seeing Sharingan** and **Kaikura**…mostly, just because. I'm the author, so I can thank whoever I want.

Also, an apology to everyone who got depressed because of Kyuubi's poetry. It's entirely his fault, and not the Goddesses'.

I'm not sure if this link works, but it's a link to the picture BM drew me! Thanks again, BM! -http/ fanart. theotaku. com/ artist.php?id 346752 - be sure to check it out! Now, to the chapter!

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A small, fire-red orb with wings flitted anxiously around the door, looking incredibly uncomfortable – a feat in itself, seeing as the fairy had no facial features. A blonde boy dressed in green kicked open a small treasure chest, Mirror shield strapped to his back, jaw firmly set as he fished the small key out of the chest. He tucked it away before going back out the door.

"What are we going to do?" the fairy wailed. "I can't go through the rest of the Temple like this!"

"I know that," the boy snapped. "Do you honestly think I want to stay like this? You have a boss battle coming up soon, twerp! Hell if I'm going to do it for you!"

"But, Kyuubi – slow down, dattebayo!" the fairy frantically beat his wings, trying to keep up with the quick, angry strides of the blonde. "Kyuubi! I don't know how to fly good!"

"Fly _well_, twerp," Kyuubi, in Naruto's body, snapped, scowling visibly.

"I can't, I just said that," Naruto, in Kyuubi's body – or lack thereof – sighed. Kyuubi flicked him, sending Naruto sprawling into a wall. A small smirk flickered over Kyuubi's smug features – or rather, Naruto's features.

"I was talking about your grammar, twerp," Kyuubi corrected. "Looks like being in my body doesn't do anything for your intelligence."

Naruto grumbled, picking himself up off the ground, flitting over to the kitsune-boy, who entered the next room. Kyuubi rifled through Naruto's kunai pouch, holding out the Mirror shield carelessly, letting the Beamos' beams bounce harmlessly off the shiny surface. Naruto blinked in surprise.

"I never would've thought to do that," he admitted. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Well, duh," he snorted, taking out two bombs. "That's why I'm the guardian fairy and you're the dead last. At least, that's how it's supposed to be…" he sighed. "It doesn't look like we have much choice here, though. It could be worse. At least I'm smart, and with your body, it's not overly likely that I'll get it too badly hurt. Besides," he flinched. "I'd be the one to feel the pain."

"I stocked up on a lot of common fairies," Naruto said helpfully, watching the Beamos' explode in a quick blaze. Kyuubi aimed the Longshot at a wall Skulltula clinging to part of the bricks on the wall.

"Common fairies," Kyuubi snorted, killing the Skulltula and stepping to the side, letting it fall on the floor rather than on him. He then scrutinized the wall carefully through slitted eyes. The climbable sections of the wall moved like some kind of conveyer belt from side to side, with spikes lining the sides off the wall. In Kyuubi's mind, there wasn't a doubt that he could potentially get very, very hurt. The only comfort was the three stable sections at the bottom, middle, and top of the wall.

"Alright," Kyuubi spat once into each hand. "It's just like rock climbing. Too bad I never did that, either…"

"Should I help?" Naruto offered, buzzing around pointlessly, obviously not used to sitting back and watching. "What should I do?"

Kyuubi gave him a sidelong look. "You know, twerp, you really should learn to relax. So you aren't playing hero…it might be good for you to try out being the quirky sidekick."

"But…I feel helpless," Naruto bit his lip. "I should be helping you."

"Yeah, right," Kyuubi scoffed. "Why? I never help you."

"Yes, you do! You help me a lot!" Naruto insisted, watching as Kyuubi began to climb the first section of the wall. He held up a hand, poised to grab onto the next part when it slid by next. "You give me moral support, and advice. You save me from freaky rapist monsters…and you give me someone to talk to so that the dialogue doesn't come to a dead end."

Kyuubi blinked, pausing in mid-reach. "…I do all that?"

"Yeah!" Naruto nodded enthusiastically. "So, what can I do to help you?"

Kyuubi paused, stopping halfway between two platforms. He lingered for a moment too long, and he was thrown backwards from the sudden movement. He landed flat on his back on the floor below. He cracked one eye open, staring at Naruto, who flew down right by him. "Are you okay?" he asked in a small voice.

"I've decided what you can do to help," he said, voice hoarse. "Don't talk to me."

"Right," Naruto nodded, pretending to zip his lips shut. Kyuubi groaned, propping himself up on his hands and getting to his feet heavily. He exhaled, approaching the wall again.

"Wait," Naruto said suddenly. "I know I said I wouldn't talk, but I had an idea."

Kyuubi stopped and turned around. "What?" he said flatly. Naruto fidgeted, which looked extremely odd in his current fairy body.

"Uh, did you try using the Longshot to hook to the top?" he asked. "It's not organic material, like wood or anything, but it might work because the walls are really rough."

Kyuubi gave him a dull look. "Brilliant, twerp," he drawled, taking out the Longshot and casually pointing it at the top, unmoving section of the wall. "So you're saying I can bypass this entirely?"

Naruto looked uncomfortable. "It's worth trying, right?"

Kyuubi's finger tightened on the trigger, sending the hook flying. His eyes widened comically as he flew upwards, being brought up by the Longshot. He gripped the wall tightly, clinging on almost as if he couldn't believe it had worked.

"I can't believe that worked," he said in disbelief and awe.

"The author just said that," Naruto responded, before blinking. "This is really weird…I feel different."

"Those are your fairy powers," Kyuubi informed him. "It's the same type of thing that lets you use me as a phone. It looks like that makes you more observant, too. Take this human body," he said, pulling himself up over the ledge. "I feel almost like I can't see as well. It's harder to take a good look around…the only plus side to it is the ability to wield big weapons."

"Huh," Naruto said thoughtfully, studying himself closely in the Mirror shield. Kyuubi moved it away, looking disapproving.

"Come on," he chastised. "We have to keep going. I'm not going to let you drag us down…especially since I'm the one who can do this now," he grinned triumphantly, pinching Naruto's wings. "Not only that, I can open doors now. Convenient, isn't it?"

"Slave driver," Naruto groused, struggling.

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Kyuubi lifted his thumb and finger, forming an 'L' shape as he peered through the bars critically. "Hmm…if I just pushed it a little more to the right, it would shine directly into the mirror."

"Kyuubi!" Naruto whined impatiently. "The light's bouncing off into the mirror already. You don't need to push it even more…! Let's just hurry up…"

Kyuubi scowled. "I'm the one with the body mass, so I think I should get to make the rules."

"You're being a perfectionist! There's no point in doing this! If I had been the one doing it, you would've complained ages ago that I was taking too long," Naruto pointed out. Kyuubi sighed, not bothering to deny it, before going back through the rooms back through the door into the original room, where are large circular mirror was now beaming light down onto the circular platform underneath it. A sun face was dormant against the wall.

Kyuubi jumped down carelessly, raising his shield as the living pots rose up, flying at him and shattering. Naruto jumped slightly, startled. Kyuubi smirked again.

"You realize that I'm the one everything's after now," he reminded his charge. "You don't have to freak out over anything anymore. It's my turn to play hero."

"Yeah…" Naruto gulped. "Still, it's instinct."

Kyuubi snorted, sending a beam of light into the sun face. It's eyes opened and it lit up, making the chains connected to the platform creak and begin to move. Kyuubi stiffened slightly at the movement, steadying himself as the platform began to lower. Naruto blinked, before yelping and swooping after him.

The platform stopped, hanging across from the sand goddess statue's face. Naruto dived too far; he began to fly back up, hitting his head on the bottom of the platform. Jerkily, he flew back up, landing on the platform and breathing heavily.

"This is…harder…than it…looks," he wheezed. Kyuubi plucked his charge off the platform, the added weight to one side nearly tipping it. He placed Naruto on top of his head, who lay there gratefully.

"I see why you do this so often," he commented. "My hat's pretty comfortable."

"I know," Kyuubi said. "Question is, what the hell do we do now? I could jump, but that would be suicide. I can't imagine you'd approve of me killing your body."

"No," Naruto said hastily. Kyuubi nodded slightly, not enough to make Naruto fall off. He knew firsthand how annoying that was, and seeing as Naruto was still having trouble with his wings, he wouldn't do something mean just yet.

"Then we're stuck here," Kyuubi sighed resignedly, sitting down and stretching out, keeping Naruto balanced on his head. "Wake me up if you think of something to try, will you?"

"You can't take a nap!" Naruto said, a note of panic in his voice. "I never did that!"

"Yeah? What about a couple of chapters ago? You took a nap and left me with that freak," Kyuubi said smugly. Naruto pounded his tiny fist against Kyuubi's head.

"That was one time! I don't normally just take a nap and let you do all the work," Naruto sounded hurt. Kyuubi opened one eye a sliver before bursting out laughing, sitting up so abruptly that Naruto sent sprawling onto the platform.

"Oh, Goddesses…oh, that hurts…too good…" Kyuubi wiped tears from his eyes, clutching his stomach. "Never makes me do…oh, Din…oh…that was good…ha…oh," he calmed himself to a giggle, covering his mouth to stifle them poorly. "Ah…thank you…I haven't laughed like that since I destroyed half of Konoha…"

Naruto pouted. "Hey! That's my village you're talking about!"

"Hey, I paid my dues," Kyuubi snapped at him. "I spent twelve years locked up in your hormone-deprived body. Come to think of it…" he frowned, poking his stomach with a grimace. "I'm stuck in here _again_…maybe I really should jump…after all, technically _I'm_ immortal…"

"_Kyuubi!_" Naruto squeaked. "You wouldn't!"

Kyuubi sighed. "I suppose I wouldn't. Too risky…I have no idea whether I'd live through it. Still, have you come up with anything yet?"

Naruto's jaw dropped. "No," he said sulkily. "I've been busy being scared that you would jump off this platform or trying to stop you from taking a nap. I don't even see how you could take a nap, anyway, with this sunlight practically blinding us…"

Kyuubi froze. "Of course…that's something we've overlooked. The sun is shining down on us. Just let me check something…" he brought out the Dungeon map and compass, studying both carefully. Naruto blinked.

"You can use those?" he said quizzically. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and ignored him.

"Okay…so that means the Boss room is right through…" he pointed, "there." He looked up, following his finger and groaning slightly when he saw where it was directed. "Oh, man, not the face! Kyuubi _likes_ the face…"

"What's going on? Did you figure out what to do?" Naruto urged. Kyuubi sighed dismally, looking forlorn. He drew out his shield, aiming the light at the statue's face. Fine grains of dust began to trickle down her nose, small rocks tumbling down her torso. Naruto stared in fascination, alternately looking between the sand goddess and Kyuubi.

Larger particles began to fall from her sculpted features, until her entire face was worn and crumbled. It almost seemed to implode as the last of it collapsed, littering the ground below with fine reddish sand and chunks of rock. Kyuubi put a hand over his heart, mock-sniffling a little.

"That hurt me more than it hurt you, honey," he said morosely. Naruto stared at the kitsune-boy.

"How did you know to do that?" he asked, visibly impressed.

"I didn't, twerp," Kyuubi snorted. "I guessed. New question is, how do we get over there…" he snapped his fingers, looking surprised and pleased at the loud sound it made. "Forgot how satisfying it was to do that…anyway, question is how do I get over there. The Hover boots won't get me there; it's too far away…"

"You could try the Longshot again," Naruto suggested. "It looks to me like it's in range."

"Crazy enough to work," Kyuubi shrugged, taking out the Longshot. He shot it at the set of crossed bars blocking the path to the Boss room door, and it hooked in, dragging him through the air into the sand goddess's face. Naruto struggled to stay airborne as he flitted behind him. Kyuubi yanked the bars loose, tossing them aside.

"Good thinking, twerp," he praised, tucking his charge into a bottle. "I think you should stay in there, though."

"Thanks," Naruto grinned. "Now I don't have to work so hard to stay in the air."

"I just thought you should now how it feels to be bottled," Kyuubi sneered. "It figures you'd be okay with it, though. You need some dignity, twerp. I hear it's on sale cheap in Termina."

"What's Termina?"

"Forget it," Kyuubi shook his head, unlocking the Boss room doors.

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Kyuubi narrowed his eyes, a fox-like grin on his face as he swaggered through the doors. On the floor, backs to the kitsune-boy and Naruto, were Sakon and Ukon.

"Looks like someone's here, Koume," Sakon chuckled.

"Looks like it, Kotake…" Ukon mimicked Sakon's dark chuckle.

"Bold little bastard, barging into our Temple like that…" Sakon commented, voice suddenly much more ominous.

"Especially after setting those two bastards on us seven years ago…" Ukon cracked his knuckles.

Sakon snickered. "Oh, we'll make them pay…loyal minion!" the two of them snapped their fingers in unison, disappearing in a brief flash of light. Taking their place was a tall, imposing Iron Knuckle, who raised it's arms threateningly only to find it didn't have an axe.

"Damn it, not again…" Ukon muttered off screen, grabbing a passing stagehand. "The AXE, you idiots!"

The Iron Knuckle waited patiently for a stagehand to rush on screen with an axe. Naruto looked desperately between Kyuubi and the Iron Knuckle. "Well?" he hissed. "Why aren't you doing anything?"

"I…don't know," Kyuubi answered honestly. "Something here is making my entire body scream out…it's like something inside me senses something…I don't want to fight."

"You don't want to _WHAT?_" Naruto's voice became shrill. "You have to! Kill it, Kyuubi! You would never let me get away with saying something like that and you know it!"

Kyuubi frowned, lowering his sword. "I don't understand it…but I don't think I can fight it…don't ask me to explain, because I don't know why!" Kyuubi took a step backwards as the Iron Knuckle took a step towards him, axe held out threateningly.

"Fine then!" Naruto said frantically, drawing Kyuubi's spork, secretly excited at the prospect of using such a powerful weapon. "I'll fight it!"

"Twerp!" Naruto looked back. Kyuubi had a lost expression on his face. "…Don't kill it. Just…defeat it, okay? Whatever you do, don't kill it."

Naruto nodded with a small smile before charging forward into battle. The Iron Knuckle roared, trying to bring it's axe down on the small orb. Naruto swerved easily, jabbing the Knuckle in the side with the spork. The monster howled in pain, moving away instinctively.

Kyuubi slapped his forehead. "Total and complete lack of style," he muttered. "The twerp's an amateur."

"Hi-ya!" Naruto yelled, rapping the Iron Knuckle's helmet with the utensil. The Iron Knuckle released the axe, trying to swat him away. Kyuubi sighed and leaned against a wall.

"Maybe I could try doing human stuff while I wait…" he pondered, bored. "What can humans do that fairies and demons can't…?" He smirked for a minute. "Other than the first few thoughts that entered my mind…"

Naruto sliced through part of the Knuckle's armour, making it whirl around angrily. Naruto flew out of range, and the Iron Knuckle went back to attempting to pull the axe out of the floor.

With surprisingly good aim, Naruto pelted the spork at the Iron Knuckle, sticking it directly in the top of the Knuckle's helmet.

"Hello? Is this Hyrule Bank?" Kyuubi was speaking into his cell phone. "I'd like to open up an account. Name, Naruto Uzumaki. Why yes, I am human…"

Naruto yelled as he flew in circles around the Iron Knuckle's head. "Uh, Kyuubi? I threw my…your spork at it and it got stuck! Help me!"

"Yeah…oh, I'll have to call you back to confirm. We'll do the lunch thing," Kyuubi said into the phone before snapping it shut. "You _lost_ my _spork?_"

"You'll get it back!" Naruto said desperately. "I know you don't want to hurt it, but you have to fight! Help me, Kyuubi!"

"If I must," Kyuubi sighed, drawing the Biggoron sword. "Don't expect me to kill it, though. I don't know why yet, but I won't do it."

"That's fine," Naruto sighed. Kyuubi grinned mischievously and advanced.

"I've always wanted to do this thing for real," he said, shrugging his shoulders to ease the Biggoron sword comfortably into his hands. "Be honoured. You're kind of like my real first victim, you know?"

The Iron Knuckle raised the axe right up above it's head, and Kyuubi tossed the Biggoron sword aside, yelling, "BODY CHECK!" before slamming against the armoured monster, sending it sprawling, landing heavily on the floor. Pieces of the armour fell off with a clatter. Kyuubi dusted off his hands.

"It's a lot more satisfying when you have body mass…but damn, you're going to be feeling that tomorrow," he winced slightly, looking almost apologetically at his charge. Naruto flinched, partly in sympathy, but mostly feeling sorry for the pain he would be enduring later.

The Iron Knuckle on the ground lost the last of it's armour, and Kyuubi gasped in shock. "Holy sh -"

"Temari!" Naruto flew forward in surprise. "What the…what are you doing here?"

The female sand ninja groaned, clutching her head. "Ugh…where the hell am I…?"

Kyuubi pumped a fist in the air triumphantly. "Oh, yeah! Who was right, bitches? I am the MAN! I pretty much saved your life, honey," he then turned to Temari, leering suggestively. "You can show your appreciation now."

Sakon and Ukon appeared on either side of her, grimacing in disappointment. "Looks like she's back to normal, Kotake," Sakon sighed.

"You're Kotake," Ukon scowled.

"Oh. She's normal again, Koume," Sakon corrected. Ukon gave her a sidelong glance.

"She's just a little girl, but she's got power, Kotake…" Ukon said with a slight sneer.

"Maybe we should have her work for Lord Ganondorf a little longer, Koume…"

"Like I'd allow that," Temari muttered, grabbing Ukon's ankles and pulling is feet out from under him. He yelped and fell down, hitting his head against the floor.

"That little-! Screw the plan, I'm going to kill her!" Sakon restrained the other as Ukon struggled to get past his brother.

"Try it," Temari growled, wincing slightly in pain. "Ugh…it feels like I was hit in the head with a truck…"

Naruto and Kyuubi exchanged uncomfortable looks.

"Eat this, you little bitch!" Ukon shouted, and both witches sent spells at her, making her vanish. The two of them exchanged self-satisfied looks before snapping their fingers, disappearing in a colourful glow.

There was an awkward silence. Kyuubi coughed into his fist lightly. "So…"

"You know what you have to do," Naruto said in singsong. Kyuubi grimaced.

"It's as annoying as hell when you do that," he groaned. "Am I that irritating before a boss battle? That was rhetorical," he cut Naruto off snappishly before his charge could answer. "I don't want to do this."

"But you have to!" Naruto exclaimed. "You're the Hero of Time right now!"

"Technically, you're still the hero," Kyuubi snarled, flicking Naruto into the wall. "I'm still just a fairy who doesn't belong in this body, and I don't want to fight those damn witches!"

"Well then, what are you going to do?" Naruto asked reasonably, sitting up. "Just sit here and wait for the chapter to end?"

"It might work," Kyuubi said insistently, but Naruto cut him off.

"We both know things never work that way," he said, sounding almost stern. "One of us has to beat Sakon and Ukon, and there's no way I'll be able to like this."

Kyuubi sighed, punching the wall in defeat. "Fine," he muttered. "You owe me for this, though."

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"Look at that stupid kid," Ukon said incredulously. Kyuubi stood in the middle of the platform, filing his nails as Naruto bobbed pointlessly around his head.

"He must've come to offer himself to the Great Ganondorf…" Sakon chuckled. Both Naruto and Kyuubi looked stricken, and Kyuubi pointed his nail file threateningly.

"If you meant what I think you just meant…" he growled lowly. "You stay the hell away from the twe – from me!" He caught his slip-up just in time, and neither witch noticed.

"With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!" Ukon cried, materialising on a nearby platform with a fistful of flames.

"With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!" Sakon appeared on the opposite side, ice crystals dancing around his fingers.

The two of them hopped onto their brooms and flew up, meeting in the middle and circling over Kyuubi's head, laughing. The words 'Sorceress Sisters: Twinrova' dashed across the bottom of the screen. Kyuubi snorted.

"No wonder you two are bitter," he said. "You've probably both had a bad case of mistaken gender-identity all your lives."

Sakon and Ukon's expressions froze. "Uh, did not!" Sakon finally denied.

"Whatever," Kyuubi said derisively, rolling to the side. "Twerp, stay close to me. I don't want to Z-Target these freaks by accident."

"What? Why?" Naruto inquired, worriedly, for the first time really experiencing a battle he had no part in.

"The shield absorbs magic and sends it back, but if I send fire back at fire, it cancels out," Kyuubi explained. "I have to hit the other 'sister' with the attack. You follow?"

"Not really…"

"Good thing I'm the one battling, then," Kyuubi crouched behind the shield just as Ukon sent a fiery blast at him. It bounced harmlessly off the shield, and Kyuubi forced the shield to aim the magic stream upwards to hit Sakon. Sakon shrieked in pain, listlessly hanging off his broom.

"I get it!" Naruto gasped. Kyuubi was already running over to the other side, to the blonde's chagrin. "Hey! Wait for me!"

Sakon aimed a beam of ice and wind at Kyuubi, who almost lazily bounced it back off the mirror shield. Ukon had unwisely been lurking beside his brother, and he shrieked and literally froze. Sakon looked mortified.

"I'm really sorry," he apologized as the ice dripped off a scowling Ukon. "It was the brat's fault. Take it out on him, Kotake!"

"You're Kotake, idiot!" Ukon snapped, flying over to the other side. Sakon slapped his forehead in realization, muttering names as a reminder.

Kyuubi stood between the two of them, whistling Twinrova's theme before pausing slightly. "Hey, does it strike anyone else as unfair that you two get your own theme, but the other bosses don't? I think Ganondorf's showing favouritism."

"Well, why shouldn't he?" Ukon snapped, sending a fire blast at Kyuubi.

"We're his surrogate mothers, after all!" Sakon chimed in, before being struck by Ukon's fire. "AAAAEIGH! Watch it!"

Kyuubi's expression was caught between incredulity and amusement, whereas Naruto just looked plainly disturbed. "So Ganondorf has two mommies?" Kyuubi snickered. "Two gender-confused, _related_ 'mommies'…and we wonder what made him become a dark tyrant."

"You're sick!" Sakon shrieked.

"Let's take this up a notch, Koume," Ukon yelled. Sakon sneered.

"HA! You're Koume, I'm Kotake! Who's the idiot _now?_"

"You know what I meant! Let's get serious, Kotake!" Ukon yelled angrily, cheeks flushing slightly.

"Okay, Koume," Sakon shrugged, and the two of them began flying around each other at top speed. The two of them yelled, "Kotake and Koume's Double Dynamite Attack!"

Kyuubi and Naruto braced themselves, but nothing could prepare them for the horror that appeared before them. A twenty-foot tall, two headed Gerudo woman with large stuffed breasts, thick turquoise eye shadow, and faces sin would envy stood, hovering slightly, before them. She…or he…_it_ waved two batons around, grinning maniacally. Both heads winked at Kyuubi, who attempted to pick his jaw up off the floor.

"I think I'm feeling nauseous," Kyuubi said faintly. "That is…that's just…so wrong…I don't feel…"

"Kyuubi? _Kyuubi!_" Naruto screeched, worried, as Kyuubi began to weave slightly on the spot.

"A disgrace to all of womankind," Kyuubi said, his face shining with tears. "It's so…I can't…" he collapsed, out cold. Naruto screamed.

"You…you bastards!" he shouted at the cackling Twinrova. "Look at what you've done!"

Sakon and Ukon laughed evilly. "Well, we weren't counting on taking the hero out," they said in creepy unison. "We were told this would put the guardian fairy out of commission…without you whispering instructions, we were told he'd be helpless! However, this works even better!"

Naruto began to panic. "What do I do…?" he whispered, looking down at the unconscious Kyuubi, lost. "Kyuubi…help…"

"Say goodbye to your so-called Hero of Time!" Sakon and Ukon cackled, raising both batons. Suddenly, a light burst through from nowhere…or, in actuality, from off screen. A stampede of people ran on screen, led by a girl in an elaborate costume.

"Get 'em, Princess!" some of the crowd yelled, and the girl proceeded to beat Sakon and Ukon over the head.

"This is for Nabooru for what you did to her in the game, courtesy of the NFC!" she yelled, soundly knocking them out cold. "Take this, you bitches!"

The NFC launched themselves at the flailing Twinrova, when suddenly a subordinate said, "Uh, Laura, that doesn't look like Twinrova…"

The leader stopped her assault, indicating to the others to stop as well. She stared at the sobbing Sakon and Ukon. "Oh," she said, crestfallen. "Sorry. Let's go back, guys."

Disappointed once again, the NFC skulked off screen, a few mutters of, "We'll get them next time," and "Do you think I could get an autograph, anyway?" running through the small crowd. Naruto blinked.

Sakon and Ukon separated, groaning in pain. "This is even worse than the wounds from seven years ago…" Sakon moaned.

"Forget them! This time, we'll really get serious, right Kotake?" Ukon demanded, sitting back up. Unbeknownst to him, a halo had appeared over his head. Sakon stared openly for a moment before Ukon noticed. "What?"

"Uh, Kotake, what's that above your head?" Sakon asked uneasily.

"I'm Koume!"

"Right, sorry. What's above your head, Koume?"

Ukon looked up, surprise on his face when he spotted the halo. "I don't know…" he pointed at the spot above Sakon's head in horror. "…But you have one too, Kotake!"

Sakon checked and began to fuss. "This can't be happening! I'm only four hundred years old!"

"And I'm only three hundred and eighty years old!" Ukon gasped. Sakon hit him.

"We're twins, moron! Don't lie about your age!" he shouted.

"You're just going senile!" Ukon yelled back.

"I'm senile? You're the one that got us killed, moron!"

"You must be senile, because this is your fault!" Ukon hollered.

"Moron!"

"Senile!"

"Idiot!"

"Bed-wetter!"

"YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T MENTION THAT!"

As the two of them began to fade away, they both screeched at Naruto and the unconscious Kyuubi, "WE'LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU, YOU BASTARDS!"

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Kyuubi groaned slightly as he came to, rubbing his forehead. "Ugh…where are we…? Why do I feel heavy?"

He opened his eyes and stared at the fairy floating inches away from his face. Kyuubi blinked before yelping and scrambling backwards. "Damn it, twerp! Don't do that!"

"Sorry," Naruto apologized. "We're in the Chamber of the Sages."

"Oh…" Kyuubi blew a stray strand of hair out of his eyes. "So we're still like this, huh?"

"Yup," Naruto nodded. "I think it'll go away at the end of the chapter."

"I'm right here," Temari drawled with a sigh. "Feel free to carry on your conversation, though. Just ignore me."

Kyuubi leapt to his feet. "Ignore you? Never," he gave her a fox-like grin. Temari gave him an odd look.

"Are you feeling okay, Naruto?" she inquired.

"Not as good as I could make you fee – ow!" he glared at Naruto, who had nudged him painfully in the ribs.

"Whatever," Temari sighed, looking at them bas if they were both insane. "Thanks for freeing me from those witches' back there. They had me brainwashed and working for Ganondorf…it's kind of funny how I'm the Sage of Spirit after all that…"

Naruto blinked. "You're the Sage of Spirit?"

Temari's eyes widened and she looked incredibly disturbed. "I thought you were the smart one," she commented. "And the perverted one." She narrowed her eyes at Kyuubi, whose nose was bleeding as he stared at her chest.

"Anyway, rather than keep my promise from seven years ago, I'll give you this Medallion," she said, and an orange Medallion lowered from the ceiling. Kyuubi looked disappointed.

"I'd rather have you do something special for me," Kyuubi muttered sulkily, tucking the Medallion away. The screen began to fade into white, but not before Temari got in a last few words.

"If only I'd known you'd grow up to be so handsome," she sighed. "I should've kept my promise back then…"

Kyuubi's eyes bugged out. "Wait! It's not too late! The chapter isn't over yet, right? COME BACK!"

Naruto shook his head. "Oh, Kyuubi…"

Off screen, Shikamaru sighed. "I don't approve of this ending, but it's too troublesome to ask the director to change it."

"What, are you jealous?" Chouji asked between a mouthful of chips.

Shikamaru snorted. "Troublesome…"

"Well, I had my fun, but he still didn't cry," Din pouted, snapping her fingers and changing switching Naruto and Kyuubi into their normal bodies.

"This contest will never end at this rate…" Farore sighed.

Nayru giggled. "The chapter's over. Don't worry, sisters, I'm sure one of you will win soon enough…"

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(Blink) What an anticlimactic battle. Oh well! The important thing is, THE TEMPLES ARE FINISHED!

On a similar note, appearances next chapter from EVERYONE! Yes, that's right, everyone! Well…at least, practically everyone. However, it's not what you're all thinking…no, Naruto doesn't get the Light arrows next chapter. In a way, it's kind of a filler chapter…

But there is…the conclusion of the Goddesses' contest! Who will the winner be? Who? WHO, I SAY? …Well, we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

Reviews go to Kyuubi's Tissue Fund – he's going to need something to dry his tears…


	37. Memoirs of a Parody

This chapter's disclaimer might be a little hard to understand, but let's give a big round of applause to Epona anyway!

Epona: (Whinnies)

That's right, Epona! Who's a good little pony? You are! Yes, you are! …Uh…(coughs) so, the thanking! Today, I'd like to thank my five of my very good friends – **Umbraven**, **Lightless Eyes**, **The All-Seeing Sharingan**, **BlooDy-MaY** and **Kaikura**! Thanks for being a huge inspiration for me! To my other good friends, sorry I didn't thank you, but I'll be thanking you next chapter!

Now, if you'll all prepare yourselves for a practically pointless chapter, we can begin!

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A serenely smiling Sandaime stood in the middle of the screen. "Naruto, the hero! Finally, all of us, the six Sages, have been awakened!"

"What do you mean 'finally'?" Naruto sounded offended. "I think I did it pretty fast."

"The time for the final showdown with the King of Evil has come," The Sandaime declared, as though he had not heard Naruto. "Before that, though, you should meet with the one who is waiting for you…the one waiting at the Temple of Time…"

The screen began to fade, when suddenly Kyuubi yelled, "BUT!"

Everyone stopped, and Kyuubi rushed forward. "Even before we go to the Temple of Time, we have a few things to do!" he nodded with a small smirk. "Tell the readers what we have in store for them, twerp!"

Naruto clasped his hands together. "Before that, Kyuubi and I are going back and doing all the stuff we should've done ages ago! That way we'll be completely prepared before we face Orochimaru!"

"No regrets, in other words," Kyuubi whispered conspiratorially. Naruto nudged him.

"There won't be any reason for us to regret anything," the blonde scowled. Kyuubi chuckled awkwardly.

"Yeah, yeah," he waved a hand. "Let's just get going. Our first stop is Kakariko village, twerp. Call your horse and let's get going."

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"Our first stop on our trip," Naruto told the readers importantly, swinging open the door with a small shudder. "This place kind of creeps me out, though…"

"It shouldn't anymore, twerp," Kyuubi grinned, flying inside. "Hey, cursed people! You alright in there?"

"Hello?" The oldest man turned around, a large smile on his face. "It's you! The hero who saved us from the curse!"

Naruto blinked. "Kyuubi, I don't remember these people."

"There was a time-lapse over the time we met them," Kyuubi replied airily, "and they were spiders at the time. Why else did you think we were collecting those stupid gold Skulltulas?"

"But we didn't…" Naruto frowned, and Kyuubi slapped him lightly.

"Please, accepts these rewards for breaking our curse!" the father exclaimed, pushing items into the blonde's arms with joyful tears streaming down his face. "It's the least we could do! Thank you, thank you!"

"Uh, no problem…I mean, I can't take these," Naruto shook his head, attempting to hand the items back to the man. "Thank you…"

"Twerp!" Kyuubi hissed, hitting him in the back of the head – hard. "Ignore him. He's a hero. You know how modest these heroes can be."

"Of course!" the man said eagerly. "He wouldn't be a real hero if he hadn't done that! But please, I insist you accept my thanks, on behalf of my family!"

"See, twerp? It would be rude not to take them," Kyuubi chided. "I didn't raise you to be rude, did I?"

"No," Naruto grumbled, "but you did try to teach me to take advantage of people."

"A lesson it appears you've failed," Kyuubi snorted. "We'll be going now…people to go, places to see, and all."

They exited the Skulltula house, the kitsune glaring at Naruto on the way out. They headed to their next destination, arguing in low voices the way there.

"Shikamaru!" Naruto yelled, throwing open the door to the next house. "Are you in here? I have good news!"

The lazy genius yawned, sitting up in his bed. "What…oh, Naruto," he sighed. "So troublesome. You always wake me up so loudly."

"I have good news!" Naruto repeated. "I saved your ranch a long time ago! Hinata is free, and Kabuto isn't in charge anymore!"

"And the UGLASG was disbanded," Kyuubi added, Naruto gave him a look, and the kitsune shrugged innocently. "What?"

"Oh, good," Shikamaru swung his legs over the side of the bed. "It would've been troublesome to save the ranch myself. I should get back there, then."

"You can come with me if you want," Naruto offered. "I have a horse…well, sort of a horse…and I'm going there next anyway. I can prove it, too!" he whirled around to face Kyuubi, who was holding up a roadmap of Hyrule with a star marking Lon Lon Ranch.

"Alright," Shikamaru shrugged. "Beats walking."

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"Ah," Shikamaru looked around with a small smile, stretching his arms. "Home sweet home."

"Father?" Hinata, who was walking past carrying an empty pail, threw it aside happily. "You've c-come back!"

Shikamaru grinned lazily. "Couldn't just leave you all alone. I messed up, staying in Kakariko too long. Sorry."

Hinata blushed furiously when she saw the blonde standing beside Shikamaru with a broad grin on his face. "Hey, Hinata!" he greeted cheerfully, running forward. Hinata smiled.

"Um…thank you v-very much f-for the other d-day…" she stammered. "I haven't asked y-you your n-name yet…"

Realizing these were her lines, Naruto's smile grew wider. "My name's Naruto Uzumaki!" he said, giving her a 'good guy' pose. Kyuubi snorted in disgust behind him, and Hinata brightened.

"R-Really? N-Naruto?" her voice grew higher and she blushed crimson, beaming. "That's what I-I thought! The f-fairy b-boy from the f-forest!"

Naruto winced slightly at the 'fairy boy' remark, and Hinata quickly stopped smiling, looking worried. "Oh! I'm s-sorry!"

"No, it's okay, Hinata," Naruto gave her a strained smile. "It's just your lines, after all…"

Hinata nodded, turning an even darker shade of red. "W-Well…d-do you remember m-me?"

Naruto nodded, and Hinata perked up. "Really? You d-do? I was sure it was you b-because Epona remembered y-you…oh! I n-need to t-tell you about Mr. Ingo," she said suddenly, twiddling her fingers. Kyuubi hissed.

"That bastard…" he muttered under his breath. Luckily, Hinata didn't hear him.

"H-He was really afraid that the Evil K-King would find out Epona had b-been taken away…he was v-very upset," she told Naruto. "B-But one day, all of a s-sudden, he was a normal, n-nice person! N-Now that Dad is back, p-peace is finally returning to this ranch…" she turned a deep, deep scarlet. "Thank y-you so much, N-Naruto!"

"It was no problem, Hinata," Naruto said sincerely, smiling at her. Hinata, if it was possible, blushed even more, until she was an impossible shade of red that doesn't normally exist in nature. Naruto smiled sweetly at her, before turning around to Kyuubi.

"Alright!" he grinned. "Where to next?"

Kyuubi held out the map, a red line now connecting Kakariko village and Lon Lon Ranch. "Next stop is Kokiri Forest," he noted. "Do we have to go? It's not like you have any friends there, anyway, and I'd rather not play servant to the Deku Sprout again."

"We have to go," Naruto said plaintively. "It wouldn't be fair not to."

Kyuubi groaned. "Damn you and your heroic sense of duty," he scowled. "When did you get that, anyway? I thought I was the one who made you do these things."

"It's a work ethic," stated matter-of-factly. "I got it off Ebay."

"Damn it, what can't you buy on that damn site…?" Kyuubi cursed.

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In the middle of the clearing was a grand, dead old tree, leafless and grey. But just in front of the dead tree, a ray of light shone down on a plump little sprout that was cursing profusely.

"Looks like she's in a bad mood. Let's go," Kyuubi began to fly back down the path, but was blocked when he smacked into Naruto's hand. The blonde closed his fist around the fairy.

"We should at least say hello," he chastised. "She's the tree that raised me, Kyuubi. It would be rude not to."

"Tossing my own lines back at me," Kyuubi muttered, voice muffled. "I hate him."

Naruto approached the Deku Tree Sprout. "Uh, Old Lady Tsunade? Hi," he greeted tentatively.

"Kid, is Kyuubi with you?" Tsunade asked immediately. Naruto looked slightly offended, and Tsunade hastily added, "It's nice to see you, kid, but I need Kyuubi for a sec."

Kyuubi sighed resignedly and pried open Naruto's fingers. "I'm right here," he said dully.

"Good! Fetch me some sake and pour it over my roots, will you?" she sounded relieved. "I've been dying…"

Naruto gasped. The Sprout was still. "I'm rolling my eyes. Not literally, kid."

Kyuubi flitted away, across the entire clearing. Conspiratorially, Tsunade whispered. "The _real_ source of my power. If the bad guys found my stash, then it would really be over for the forest."

Kyuubi came back, lugging a large bottle with clear liquid sloshing around inside. The kitsune offered one end to Naruto, who uncorked it for him. Kyuubi then began to pour the contents around the base of the Sprout, making Tsunade sigh blissfully.

"That's the stuff," she breathed. "Much better. So what are you two actually doing here, anyway?"

"There are portals in the Lost Woods we can use," Naruto explained. "First we're heading to Goron City to check up on things there, before we go see Zora's Domain."

"I heard it had frozen over," Tsunade said, sounding slightly surprised. "You two fix that?" There was a slight slur to her words.

"Ages ago," Kyuubi sneered. "Get with the times."

"Well, I don't get around much like this," Tsunade snapped. "No one tells me anything, either."

"Well, we just stopped by here to say hello," Naruto said hastily, before things could escalate. He didn't particularly want to deal with an angry fairy and a Deku Sprout. "We'll see you later, Old Lady Tsunade!"

"Whatever," Tsunade mumbled, and soon soft snoring was heard from the Sprout. Kyuubi flew out from the clearing, leaving his charge to trail behind in his wake.

"Lost Woods, now," Kyuubi said when the panting blonde finally caught up. "We don't want to be falling behind on time, do we? No, we don't," he answered his own question, seeing that Naruto was exhausted. "Come on, then, don't lag behind!"

Naruto collapsed.

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Naruto ignored Kyuubi's sniggering. "Okay…according to our map, I should turn left at the first turn," he said, holding it out critically. Kyuubi began laughing again.

"I can't believe you _collapsed!_ What are you, a girl?" he clutched his stomach, which was aching slightly from holding back his giggles. Naruto scowled.

"Shut up! It's all your fault, anyway! You shouldn't have flown so fast!" he shouted defensively, crossing his arms and turning a light shade of pink.

"You're kidding, right? Stay another moment longer around that slave driver? I had to be at her beck and call for twelve years, twerp," he snorted. "Hell if you expect me to do that again."

"You still didn't have to go so fast, dattebayo," Naruto pouted.

"You'll get over it," Kyuubi replied shortly, still giggling slightly. "And I think you made a wrong turn."

Naruto looked up, confused, before drawing his sword in surprise. A strange Skullkid was approaching him, shooting poison darts at him through a short grass-woven tube. Promptly, Naruto began slashing at him, sticking him in the chest. The Skullkid squealed and fell limp, impaled, before fading away and leaving a rupee the same height as Naruto behind. Kyuubi's eyes lit up.

"Nice one, twerp!" Kyuubi said, seeing little dollar signs. "Pick it up, you idiot! That thing will last us for life!"

Miraculously, the rupee fit in Naruto's wallet. Naruto and Kyuubi were exchanging smug looks when suddenly the security team rushed out on screen. Raidou paled visibly and the toothpick fell from Genma's mouth.

"Do you two realize what – or who – you just killed?" Raidou shrieked. Genma just stared at the two, speechless and his mouth hanging open.

"What?" Naruto asked self-consciously. "Did I do something I wasn't supposed to?"

"Twerp, stay quiet," Kyuubi muttered, before saying in a louder voice, "I demand my lawyer before we answer any further questions."

"No…no, it's okay…we'll talk to the director…yeah," Raidou looked at his partner, who continued to stare at Naruto and Kyuubi. "We'll let the director sort this one out."

Genma finally managed to stammer, "The current director won't be in charge of the next one…we need to talk to the director's replacement. Yeah."

"Alright," Raidou gulped. "Uh, don't worry about it, guys." With that, they walked off screen, Genma muttered incomprehensibly in a panic. Naruto blinked.

"Kyuubi, what did I do?" the blonde questioned. Kyuubi shook his head.

"It can't have been too bad, whatever it was," Kyuubi shrugged. "It was just some random Skullkid, after all."

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"To do the recap the quick way, I figured I'd just show you all our roadmap," Kyuubi explained, holding up the map in front of the screen. "See; here's where we started, at Kakariko. Well, technically we started at the desert…but the first dot is at Kakariko. Then we went to Lon Lon Ranch, then over this way to Kokiri Forest. Then we were in the Lost Woods, and we took this portal over to Goron City. Then we went back through the portal and talked to Mido, then we went to Zora's Domain…which is where we are now…"

"And this is a complete rip-off!" Naruto declared. "It's still frozen! Haku said it would thaw, didn't he?"

"Yes, but obviously Sheik is a vicious liar," Kyuubi said soothingly. "Since there's no point in us being here, can we leave? We're done, aren't we?"

"No," Naruto sighed. "There's still one thing left to do…"

Kyuubi's expression darkened. "No way, twerp! You're my responsibility, and I'm not letting you go near that perverted freak again!"

"But I have to, Kyuubi," Naruto sighed, looking nervous but mostly resigned. "The author put herself through the Poe-catching side quest just for the sake of this story…and due to the miracle of a plot-device, she's made it so that only have to catch the last one."

Kyuubi looked shocked. "She did something…nice? For us?" he narrowed his eyes. "That's suspicious. It hardly qualifies as a reason to go back to that perverted Ghost seller."

"I'm doing it, Kyuubi." Naruto jut out his jaw stubbornly.

"You are not!" Kyuubi protested. "Damn it, twerp, we're doing things the way _I_ say we do them! Got it?"

"Oh, really…?" a stagehand swaggered on screen, holding a sheet of paper. "From the director," he said, handing Kyuubi the paper. The kitsune shot him a look before scanning it quickly. He groaned and flung them paper at the ground.

"You people can't threaten to take away my cappuccino maker! This is blackmail!" Kyuubi ground his teeth together angrily.

"The director told me to say, and I quote, 'I prefer the term extortion.' End quote."

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"Did you hear that?" Naruto whispered. "It sounded like a Poe."

"No, twerp," Kyuubi said pityingly. "That was you hearing things again."

Naruto's eyes were wide and bloodshot. "I keep hearing them," he muttered. "I hear them appear…and then they laugh at me…"

"We'll get you to a therapist later, twerp, I promise," Kyuubi soothed. "In the meantime we have to find and kill the last Poe. Director's orders."

"I have searched everywhere," Naruto chuckled slightly, alarming the kitsune even more. "I think we're circling Hyrule for the fourteenth time."

"Fourt -"

"I'm counting every time we pass that tree," Naruto pointed at a tall, leafy green tree. "I only started keeping track about half an hour into the search."

Kyuubi looked extremely concerned. "There has to be someone we can ask about this, or something."

"There's no one here, Kyuubi," Naruto cackled, voiced raising considerably. Kyuubi wisely backed away slowly. "There is no one around anywhere in Hyrule Field. We've been left here to rot and die, which sucks because as of now, I hate dead people! Dead people become ghosts, and ghosts hide from me and taunt me and…and…" he began to hyperventilate. Kyuubi slapped him across the face.

"Pull yourself together, twerp!" Kyuubi shook him by the collar slightly. "You're making yourself crazy! Just calm down…"

Naruto didn't answer. His eyes were the size of dinner plates and he raised a shaking finger. "Kyuubi…please tell me you see that."

"See wh…" Kyuubi trailed off, jaw dropping. "Is what you're seeing a Big Poe floating away from you and circling around kind of pointlessly?"

Naruto nodded numbly. Kyuubi gulped. "Then I see it, twerp."

They exchanged glances and, in unison, began screeching curses, Naruto pressing down on Gamabunta's sides sharply, tearing after it. The blonde let a full quiver of arrows fly at the ghost. By some miracle, two of the arrows struck, taking the Big Poe down. The lantern in it's hands dropped and shattered, leaving behind a pale green flame floating just below where it had been moments ago. Broken arrows were strewn across the grass, and Naruto hopped off Gamabunta, careful not to step on any.

"Fire really is a beautiful thing," Kyuubi said reverently as Naruto bottled the ghost's flame-like soul.

The sky flashed red, then green. "Oh, don't look so smug," Farore snapped. "He said just said fire, and he was caught up in the moment."

Din let out a gleeful squeal.

"We're right outside the castle," Naruto breathed in relief. "Watch for ReDeads, okay, Kyuubi?"

"Why bother? We're practically going to see one now," he said snappishly. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"At least we only needed one," Naruto reminded him. "We have this letter from the director giving us a reprieve, remember? It's not so bad. It's the last time we ever have to see him again."

Kyuubi looked at, disbelieving. "This coming from the twerp who _cried_ when he had to see Windmill Gai again."

Naruto shrugged. "I guess, since we're getting so close to the end, I just want to get it over with. Once it's over, we can go home…and you get your nine-million dollar contract, right?"

"Stop stalling," Kyuubi began dragging Naruto across the collapsed drawbridge and into Hyrule Market. Looking furtive, he and Naruto darted inside.

Ebisu, in his dark purple cloak and banging a Deku stick pointlessly against the cold, bare floor, looked up at the intruders. "Oh, hello…" he chuckled oddly. "Do you…have anything for me?"

Naruto shuddered slightly and Kyuubi growled. The blonde thrust the bottle into Ebisu's hands. "I caught this Poe," he said quickly. "You buy them, right?"

Ebisu's one eye widened. "I see…this is a Big Poe…I'll be happy to take this off your hands!" he said gleefully. "You can have fifty rupees for it."

The exchange was made quickly, and Ebisu took out a small scorecard. "I'll also add one hundred points to your card," he told Naruto. "If you reach one thousand points…I'll make you a _very_ happy man…"

"That's it!" Kyuubi yelled, yanking Naruto back by his hat. "Five feet away from him, at all times! You got that, you mutilated freak?"

"Kyuubi…" Naruto looked uncomfortable, but if anything, glad that his guardian fairy had imposed this rule. Ebisu, on the other hand, looked displeased.

"We were in the middle of a business transaction," he said.

"Yeah, and if you had your way, it'd be a different kind of trans-action," Kyuubi snarled. Ebisu chuckled darkly.

"Looks as if I'm not the only mind reader around here," he mused.

"Look, freak, just read this," Kyuubi said rudely, throwing the letter from the director at Ebisu. "It's from the big boss, so you'll do it what it says."

Ebisu unfolded the letter, briefly running his eye down the paper. He grimaced. "I see…well, then, I have no choice…" he began to reach inside his cloak.

Kyuubi covered Naruto's eyes automatically. Ebisu pulled out a shiny glass bottle.

"Here you are," he said. "As I promised…"

Naruto peeked through Kyuubi's fingers. "That's it?" he snorted. "Just a bottle?"

"I'd be glad to…give you something more," Ebisu said slyly. Kyuubi swiped the bottle out of his hands and began pulling Naruto towards the door. The blonde didn't resist.

"Later, you sick freak," Kyuubi waved. "Next time I see you, it'd better be in court."

The door slammed shut. Ebisu sighed. "I'm so misunderstood…"

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"Excuse us…coming through…" Naruto grinned apologetically as he stepped on someone's foot. "Sorry…"

"Let me try it my way, twerp," Kyuubi said. "HEY! MOVE YOUR ASSES, PEOPLE, STAR OF THE PARODY COMING THROUGH! COME ON, UP, UP, UP!"

Most of the people sitting in the row stood up, squishing back against the seats. A few just moved their legs up and out of the way. Kyuubi grinned smugly. "Knew that it would work. Next time, though, we should demand VIP seating."

Naruto took his seat in the audience and Kyuubi sat in the seat next to his, taking up virtually no space. He snapped his fingers, and instantly two stagehands were loading up the chair with gummy bears, popcorn bags, and a jumbo soda. "Thank you, girls," Kyuubi flashed them a grin. "Will I be seeing you after the show?"

The stagehands giggled and went off to find their seats. The lights dimmed, cuing the audience to applaud.

The three Masters of Ceremonies for the night stepped out on stage, resplendent in their own colours…and bodies. "Welcome, cast, crew, and readers!" Farore greeted, waving slightly.

"Thank you all so much for being here," Nayru said shyly, holding her microphone up close to her mouth so it could capture her small voice. "Congratulations to all for making it all the way to chapter thirty-seven."

"A special treat has been prepared for you all!" Din said exuberantly. "It's our way of celebrating the fact that we don't have to watch Naruto screw up those Temples anymore!"

There were a few chuckles, and Naruto blushed. "I didn't do too bad," he called, making the audience laugh.

Din giggled, and Farore grinned. "Before we start, though, we're first going to have a quick word from the head honcho…"

"You all know who we're talking about," Din said, almost slyly. "Everyone, give a big round of applause…"

"To our beloved director!" Nayru began to clap along with the audience, and the Goddesses considerately moved to the side of the screen. Looking rather embarrassed, a stagehand walked out on screen.

"Uh, hi," she said nervously. "The director said, and I quote, 'I didn't feel like coming out do to this myself, so I sent this peon to do it for me. I just want to say thanks to the cast, for doing a…somewhat satisfactory job, even though you aren't getting paid. Also thanks to the readers, for sticking with us this long. I'm not going to bother thanking the stagehands, because you're all lowly subjects and doing so is beneath me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the future chapters and whatever this tribute thing is supposed to be, and screw you all for not letting me direct the sequel.' End quote."

In the audience, every member of the cast blinked. "Sequel…?"

"Um, thank you, random stagehand!" Din coughed nervously, ushering her off screen. "And now, without further adieu…"

"Ocarina of Konoha productions presents…" Farore announced.

"OoK: A Video Memoir," Nayru finished, and she and the other two Goddesses sat down in the audience to watch. Some tribute-esque music began to play, but rather than specify what song it was, it was left up to the readers' interpretation.

-------------------------------------------

_'The Early Years…' _

_The screen showed Kyuubi, flitting around the sleeping Naruto's head, throwing Deku nuts at him in a futile attempt to rouse him from his sleep…_

…_Naruto, holding up the Kokiri Sword looking at it derisively, while Raidou held Genma back off to the side of the screen…_

…_Kankuro, as Mido, blocking Naruto's path and staring at Kyuubi as he and the postman screamed at each other…_

…_Naruto entering Tsunade, the Deku Tree's, open mouth, looking disgusted as he did so…_

…_Kyuubi pushing Naruto over the edge of a platform, sending him plummeting down to the very bottom of the Great Deku Tree, missing the web-covered hole in the ground he had been aiming for…_

…_Naruto screaming in terror as Kidoumaru, as Gohma, dropped several ugly arachnid babies down from the ceiling in the Boss's chamber…_

…_Naruto jumping into the moat of Hyrule castle to escape the slowly advancing Stalchildren…_

…_The Shodaime scowling at the Nidaime as he pointed and laughed at him in Hyrule market…_

-------------------------------------------

"Oh, that's right," someone muttered. "They were in this parody…"

-------------------------------------------

…_Naruto running up to the blushing Hinata in Hyrule market, grinning broadly…_

…_Kyuubi sobbing openly in the middle of Hyrule market, banging his fists against the ground as Naruto shooed the many onlookers away…_

…_Rock Lee, as Kaepora Gaebora, advising Naruto outside the castle gates as the blonde gazed into space, while Kyuubi snickered and waved a hand in front of his face…_

…_Naruto holding up a crowing chicken, grudgingly waking up Shikamaru, as Talon…_

…_Kyuubi pretending to break into tears to distract the guards, the sky flashing colours rapidly as the guards stared, bewildered, not noticing Naruto sneak past behind them, face streaked with war paint…_

…_A bright red, furiously blushing Sasuke, staring at Naruto angrily as the blonde held his stomach, gasping with laughter and wiping tears from his eyes…_

…_Sasuke throwing down a pile of leaves, yelling angrily at Kakashi, as Impa, for being late for his appearance…_

…_Naruto gasping for breath as he was trampled by Gamabunta, nearly losing his Ocarina while Kyuubi snickered, Hinata visibly panicking in the background…_

…_A chicken pecking at Naruto's hands as he struggled to get it into the pen, Kyuubi staring hungrily at it while Yashamaru, as Anju, glared at the kitsune warningly…_

…_Naruto bolting, screaming in abject terror as Gai merrily cranked his instrument, humming the Song of Storms…_

…_Jiraiya, as Darunia, dancing like a lunatic as Naruto played his Ocarina, Kyuubi looking very much like he wanted to gouge his eyes out with his spoon…_

…_Naruto, tossing a bomb into Jiroubou, Kind Dodongo's, open mouth, watching him swallow it greedily before it exploded in his stomach…_

…_Naruto trekking up Death Mountain, as Sasuke, off screen, was throwing a bitch-fit while being restrained by a weary Genma and Raidou…_

…_The two scarecrows, Hayate and Aoba, staring dully at the screen, Hayate coughing into his fist…_

…_Chouji, as King Zora, slowly moving out of the way for Naruto to get through to Zora's Fountain…_

…_Still Chouji moving out of the way…_

…_Chouji, still…_

…_Kyuubi, thrashing around on the ground and screaming something about Asuma in front of the Great Fairy fountain…_

…_An impatient Manda, rolling his eyes and swallowing Naruto and Kyuubi with a look of disgust on his face…_

…_Ino, as Princess Zora, stowing something…somewhere…before picking up the Spiritual Stone of Water…_

…_Naruto, blinking quizzically at Shino, who sat in the middle of the floor, watching a green bug crawl over the back of his hand into his palm…_

…_Ino, hopping up and down slightly in delight and handing Naruto Zora's Sapphire, while talking a mile a minute about marrying 'Princess Zelda'…_

…_Orochimaru waiting for Katsuyu, with Sasuke and Impa on her back, to fade out of sight, looking extremely bored…_

…_The stagehands, nervously heading into court for their first lawsuit, lead by an attorney…_

…_Followed by pictures of the stagehands weeping with joy and relief, while representatives of Nintendo and Naruto walk out, scowling angrily…_

…_The original Zelda: Ocarina of Time cast, lounging in the food court, Nabooru tucking sugar packets into her purse while Zelda and Sasuke are shouting at each other, looking dishevelled…_

…_An impromptu meeting of the UOLASG off screen, Kyuubi giving the screen a thumbs-up while the other members applaud and wave in the background…_

…_The three Spiritual Stones – the Konoha, Sand, and Sound symbols – being placed on the altar…_

_…Naruto drawing the Master Sword out of it's pedestal, a blue light engulfing the screen_…

-------------------------------------------

The music changed, and a few audience members smiled fondly. Both Sakura and Ino sniffled slightly, reaching for tissues.

"This is so touching," Ino said, dabbing her eyes.

"I know," Sakura agreed, doing the same. Suddenly both girls froze and looked at each other.

"Stop agreeing with me," Ino snapped.

"Who would agree with you, Ino-pig?" Sakura sneered. The two began to bicker their way through the rest of the video.

-------------------------------------------

_'The Adult Years…'_

_The screen showed Kyuubi, pointing in horror at the older Naruto as he declared how similar he looked to the Yondaime…_

…_Kyuubi holding up his spork reverently, Naruto staring up at it in awe…_

…_Haku, as Sheik, sneaking up behind Naruto, jumping back, startled, when Naruto drew his sword…_

…_Naruto, running as fast as he could after Ibiki, as Dampé, who threw fistfuls of flames back at him…_

…_A greasy-looking Kabuto, as Ingo, clutching frantically at the green hat wrapped around his face, as Naruto, riding Gamabunta, galloped over the finish line…_

…_Haku again, playing the Minuet of Forest on his harp while Naruto struggled to play along…_

…_The three Poe sisters, Anko, Shizune, and Kurenai, giving Kyuubi worried looks as he sobs and pounds his head against a wall…_

…_Iruka, as the final Poe sister, looking relieved as he spoke to a stagehand, Naruto beaming and Kyuubi waving two tiny red pom-poms around…_

…_Kimimaro, as Phantom Ganon, clutching his groin painfully as Kyuubi cheered, Naruto drawing back his leg in satisfaction…_

…_Tsunade, resurrected as the Deku Sprout, informing Naruto that he had been lied to his entire life…_

…_Konohamaru, as Link of the Gorons, eagerly asking for Naruto's autograph, while the blonde muttered something smugly to Kyuubi…_

…_Haku, playing the Bolero of Fire while the screen showed some crazy angles of inside Death Mountain…_

…_Naruto and Kyuubi, spontaneously breaking out into an elaborate dance number, backed up by the Goron chorus and some flaming Keese…_

…_Naruto and the Goron, Watts, looking around with exaggerated gestures for Kyuubi…_

…_Kyuubi, lounging in his new trailer sipping a cappuccino, lifting his glass smugly in a toast…_

…_Gaara, using his sand to create a giant replica of Volvagia, while a rapidly paling Naruto watched…_

…_Zabuza, as the guy who hates everything, looking around for people as he hands Koharu, the potions hag, a few suspicious looking mushrooms…_

…_Moegi, the creepy Kokiri girl, toying with the Carpenter's saw with a small, dangerous smile while Naruto scrambles to get away…_

…_Homura, the scientist at Lake Hylia, covertly slipping something into Biggoron's eye drops before he hands them back to Naruto…_

…_Deidara smugly admitting to kidnapping Kyuubi, moments before the kitsune flew back on screen and ushered the forlorn Akatsuki member off screen…_

…_Naruto rambling about the Biggoron sword, drooling on it slightly while Kyuubi and Hiashi, as Biggoron, exchanged awkward looks…_

…_Itachi, as Dark Link, looking indignant and stamping his foot slightly, throwing a bitch-fit while Genma, Raidou, and Iruka watched, terrified…_

…_Naruto, struggling against a whirlpool, as Kyuubi threw himself frantically against the side of the bottle he was in, shattering the glass…_

…_Kisame, as Morpha, wrapping a watery tentacle around Naruto before flinging him into a wall, while Kyuubi fervently flips through 'By the Goddesses! An Introduction to Triforcism'…_

…_Several non-playable characters bursting into flame, while Haku gazes down the well looking petrified…_

…_The well draining slowly, while a green and blonde blur goes running out of the windmill at top speed, screaming like a girl…_

…_Mary Sue smiling prettily at Naruto, while Kyuubi is blushing and turning away…_

…_In slow motion, Mary Sue being gored by the Dead Hand, blood splattering everywhere as she screeches in pain…_

…_A replay of Mary Sue's death, this time accompanied by a laugh track…_

-------------------------------------------

Kyuubi frowned, putting his popcorn aside. "This is disgusting…"

Naruto's eyes watered. "How could they show this…?"

Kyuubi looked upset. "Honestly, if I didn't know better, I would've sworn people enjoyed this or something…"

-------------------------------------------

_…Tsunade, obviously drunk, giving Naruto the vaccine to OOC Virus as he squeals in pain, bawling his eyes out and wailing…_

…_Kyuubi, clinging to the mast of the ship in the Shadow Temple, looking brave as the ship sinks into oblivion while Naruto watches in teary-eyed horror…_

_…Tayuya, appearing suddenly and stabbing Naruto in the back with a wide smirk, while his eyes widen in shock, Kyuubi watching him fall in complete disbelief…_

-------------------------------------------

"Your finest moments," Kyuubi snickered. Naruto tapped him on the head lightly, nearly flattening him.

"Shut up," he pouted.

-------------------------------------------

_…Kiba, the head Carpenter, pleading with Naruto and Kyuubi to save his carpenter dogs…_

…_Kyuubi body checking a Tenten clone, slamming her into a wall as Pakkun, the carpenter dog, cheered from inside his cell…_

…_Kyuubi body checking another replica, this time with Akamaru yapping his approval…_

…_Neji, the Desert Poe, not-so-subtly trying to ditch Naruto in the sandstorm considerately being created by Gaara…_

…_The entire crew of stagehands, furiously building the Spirit Temple…_

…_A few more lawsuits, the stagehands gaining confidence with each one…_

…_The Nabooru Fan Club ambushing an awkward-looking Temari, while Naruto and Kyuubi huddle in a corner, sending frightened glances at the female sand ninja…_

…_Sai, being Naruto's substitute, clashing blades against both the Iron Knuckle and an irate Kyuubi…_

…_Kyuubi, looking disgusted with himself, tossing his bongos and diary over his shoulder…_

…_Later on, Kyuubi slyly tucking his diary away into god-knows-where, leaving the bongos where they were…_

…_A shocked Kyuubi – in Naruto's body – and Naruto – in Kyuubi's body – staring at each other in both wonder in horror, realizing they'd switched bodies…_

…_The NFC beating Sakon and Ukon, as Twinrova, into a bloody pulp, as Fairy-Naruto watches with interest, hovering over a passed out Human-Kyuubi…_

…_A quick montage of getting the Medallions, with the Sandaime as Rauru, Sakura as Saria, Jiraiya as Darunia, Ino as Ruto, Kakashi as Impa, and Temari as Nabooru, each of them doing a quick pose…_

…_And the final slide, of Naruto and Kyuubi grinning widely at the screen, Kyuubi flipping through one of his parenting books as Naruto gives the screen a 'good guy' pose._

_'The End'._

-------------------------------------------

The audience was silent for a moment, before applause – accompanied by many heartfelt sobs – rang in everyone's ears. Kyuubi sniffled. "That video tribute was just…so beautifully put together," he blew his nose loudly, dabbing his eyes and applauding, reaching for a tissue.

"You really think so? I was the one that made it," Din said, obviously delighted but trying to sound modest. "I can't believe it moved you to tears, Kyuu!"

There was a pause, as both Kyuubi and the Goddesses froze. Naruto looked between them curiously, reaching for some of Kyuubi's popcorn. Then, shattering the quiet, Din let out a long, gleeful squeal.

"I won! I won!" she chanted, happily. Kyuubi heaved a great sigh, openly relieved as he got down on his knees, praying.

"Thank you," he whispered blissfully. "Oh, thank the Goddesses it's over."

"That's completely unfair!" Farore attempted to protest. "It was a stupid montage of video footage!"

"It's not against the rules," Din pointed out, squealing girlishly. "I won! I actually won!"

"I can't believe I lost," Farore was all-out whining. "I just can't catch a break!"

A dull thud and a pained shriek were heard. "You can't even throw a brick at a Goddess! The logistics of it are impossible!" Farore shrieked indignantly.

"We have bodies at the moment," Nayru pointed out.

"Still…" Farore wailed.

"Well, thank you all for sitting through that and for coming out this chapter," Din said, not bothering to hide the triumph in her voice. "Mostly, we wanted to remind everyone of some great moments of this parody…and remind everyone who played who. It was kind of hard to keep track."

Farore let out a distressed moan. Nayru quickly grabbed her cue cards, reading off them. "Again, thank you all. We're thrilled you stuck around with us this long."

"We'll see you all next chapter!" Din waved, and the curtains fell over the screen. The lights began to go back up, and everyone got to their feet, commenting on the video and chatting about the last few chapters. In the audience, still seated, was Naruto, frowning thoughtfully.

"…But some of the stuff that they showed never happened," he knitted his brow. "That didn't make sense…"

He sat there, lost ion thought for a little while. "Hey, Kyuubi," he began, turning to the seat next to him, but it was empty. He blinked and looked around. The entire room was empty.

"Hey!" Naruto yelled, springing to his feet. "Wait a minute! Damn it…" he cursed, running out of the room. "Kyuubi! Wait for me, dattebayo…!"

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Phew…my longest chapter yet! It seems like it's mostly a waste of space, though. Sorry if it wasn't all that entertaining…there weren't many jokes in this one, either, but I wanted to add the video tribute. It had been swirling around in my head, and it needed out or my brain would've imploded.

So, next chapter we have the last appearance of Haku/Sheik, the reappearance of Sasuke/Zelda, and the new appearance of the Light arrows! Thanks to all who contributed to Kyuubi's Tissue Fund, and thank you all – that's right, all of you – for reading my story this far. You guys really made me feel like I've accomplished something…and you gave me something to do over the summer.

THANK YOU ALL! …Wow, it's not even the end yet, and I'm already sappy…


	38. Hold on, HummunaWhatNow?

Let's all hear it for Impa of the Sheikah, who is doing my disclaimer this chapter! (Begins chanting 'Impa! Impa!' and waving little flags around)

Impa: …Lackofname doesn't own Naruto or Nintendo.

…That was anticlimactic…still, thank you, Impa! YOU HEARD HER, LAWYERS, BACK OFF! To more pressing matters – **_my 600th review!_** Thank you to my friend **EvilFuzzy9**, who I was planning on thanking this chapter anyway…but double thank you now! And thanks to all my reviewers for making my goal of 700 look more realistic!

Thanks also goes out to my friends **AngelWing1138**, **shattered-words**, **PTalim**, **Laura J. Rie**, and **Blue Skittles and Cookies**! And once again, thank you **EvilFuzzy9**!

Now, without further adieu…the chapter! Chock full of spoilers and plot points! HIT IT!

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"It's quiet," Kyuubi observed, voice hushed. He narrowed his eyes. "Perhaps too quiet…"

"I could talk if you want," Naruto offered.

"No one in the world wants you to talk more, twerp, trust me," Kyuubi said dryly. "What are we doing back here, anyway?"

Naruto cast a quick look around the white walls of the Temple of Time. "Remember? The one who is waiting for us at the Temple of Time…?"

Kyuubi raised one eyebrow. "But there's no one here."

Suddenly both Naruto and Kyuubi whipped around, looking startled at the sound behind them. Haku was doubled over on the floor, out of breath and holding up one finger.

"I've…been waiting…for you…Naruto…" he wheezed, getting up to his feet. Kyuubi arched the other eyebrow.

"You're behind us and you came in late. That hardly qualifies as waiting," he snorted incredulously. "I don't suppose you have an excuse?"

Haku struggled to recapture his breath. "…Autographs."

"Oh," Kyuubi blinked. "Alright then, I can accept that."

Haku finally recovered, smoothing his hair and straightening his clothes. "I have one hell of a long speech," he sighed. "So you might as well get comfortable."

"Wait, when you say a long speech, how long do you mean?" Naruto asked.

Haku gave him a flat look. Naruto looked down. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Haku waved a hand. "The longer we stall, the better. I'm not too eager to…well, I can't say just yet. I'm not looking forward to it, though, I can tell you that…"

Naruto cocked his head inquisitively. Haku shook his head. "You'll find out in good time. This chapter, in fact."

"You really should start your speech," Kyuubi drawled. Haku sighed lightly and whipped out some cue cards.

At seeing the reproving look the kitsune was giving him, Haku defended, "I told you, it's a long speech. I couldn't get it all memorized."

Kyuubi shook his head. "Yeah, okay…some survivor of the Sheikah you are…"

"I thought we'd established that I wasn't actually the survivor since Impa was still alive."

"Guys!" Naruto whined. Both fell silent, glaring at each other slightly – although it really was impossible to tell, since Kyuubi had no eyes or face at all, and Haku was still wearing his mask.

"Right," Haku said finally, "Naruto, the Hero of Time. You have overcome many hardships and awakened the six Sages. And now you have a final challenge – a showdown with the King of Evil, the Ruler of Ruthlessness, the Sovereign of Sin, the Leader of Wickedness, the Monarch of Malevolence, the Emperor of Immorality, the Dark Lord…"

"Actually, the Emperor of Immorality title has already been taken by me," Kyuubi piped up, "and the Dark Lord was taken by the Harry Potter books."

"Whatever, you're getting my point here," Haku said flatly. "You've got a showdown with Ganondorf coming up. I think we all understand that much, right?"

"Do I have to?" Naruto whined. Kyuubi smacked him.

"Before that, I have things I want to tell you and only you," Haku told him. "Please listen."

Kyuubi cleared his throat. Haku looked at him in disbelief. "Okay, only you and the fairy. By the Goddesses, are you going to jump down my throat every time I mess up even a little?"

Kyuubi shrugged. "I heckle. What can I say, I'm evil, after all."

Haku muttered darkly under his breath, shooting the kitsune a venomous look. "There's another unknown legend of the Triforce, passed down my people, the Sheikah…"

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The screen changed to the familiar scene of the Goddesses crashing into each other, forming the golden Triforce. Kyuubi snickered slightly.

"If you seek the Sacred Triangle, listen well," Haku began, but Kyuubi cut him off.

"The Sacred Triangle? You're kidding, right? What a pathetic way to refer to an all-powerful relic," the fairy snorted.

"And I don't seek the Triforce," Naruto added blandly. "I'm the hero, right? I'm not supposed to, am I?"

"I'm _saying_ the _legend,_" Haku said tensely. The two wisely fell silent. Haku continued, this time his voice slightly strained to keep calm.

"The resting place of the Sacred Triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart, the heart of one who enters it," Haku said. "If someone with an evil heart enters it, the realm will become full of evil. Basically, it's hell. If a pure heart enters it, however, the Realm will become a paradise."

"I see…so obviously an evil heart entered the Realm," Kyuubi said with dawning realization. "That explains why we're in this parody!"

The author, though offended, chose not to react to Kyuubi's hurtful statement, instead letting Haku continue with his speech.

"The Triforce is a balance that weighs the three forces; Power, Wisdom, and Courage."

"This is unfair!" Farore interjected from on screen. "Even my element force-y thing is last! Why is Din always first, huh?"

"Oh, shut up," Din said merrily. "You're interrupting, and you're just bitter 'cause you lost."

Farore sputtered in the background, and Haku had to raise his voice slightly to be heard over the Goddesses. "If the heart of the one who holds the Sacred Triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one's heart is not in balance, the Triforce will separate into three parts; Power, Wisdom and Courage."

Haku paused, shuffled through his cue cards, and continued. "Only one part will remain for the person who touched the Triforce, the one the person most believes in."

Kyuubi snorted. "Yeah, because someone's going to believe in Courage or Wisdom more than Power. Power usually embodies all three. They really should've thought this thing through a little more." There was the sound of someone smacking someone else into a wall. "Damn it, twerp!"

"Thank you," Haku sighed. "If the one who touched it seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the other two parts."

"…Or take a few lessons from Star Wars…" Kyuubi interjected innocently. Another smack was heard. "So help me, twerp, if you do that _one_ more time…"

"The other two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the back of their hand," Haku finished quickly.

"So…the Force is strong within them?" Kyuubi supplied helpfully. Naruto sighed, and another smack was heard, this time accompanied by an angry growl. "Alright, that's it, twerp, I'm gonna-!"

The scene ended, fading back to the Temple of Time.

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Back at the Temple of Time, Kyuubi had his hands wrapped tightly around his charge's throat and was throttling the gasping blonde, while Haku stood and watched in boredom, absentmindedly flipping through his cue cards.

"As hard as it is to believe, I'm not done yet," Haku exhaled loudly, leaning back against the wall.

"One…second," Kyuubi struggled to wrap his hands tighter around Naruto's neck, but found that they were too small to manage such a task. Reluctantly, he released him. "Damn my lack of body mass…the second I'm a demon again, I'm going to destroy and entire country…"

"You'll be locked up inside my body, remember?" Naruto gasped, rubbing his throat. Kyuubi cursed loudly.

"Still here, and I still have things to say," Haku said, trying to draw their attention. They continued to bicker, this time Kyuubi drawing his spork threateningly. Rolling his eyes, he threw a cool flashy Sheikah thing at the floor, creating a loud noise and a bright flash. Both heads snapped towards him.

"Hey," Naruto blinked. "You didn't disappear."

Haku shrugged awkwardly. "Uh…they don't actually make you disappear…they just kind of…I'm a Sheikah," he said finally. ""Bask in my mysterious Sheikah ways."

"Oh," Naruto said. "Okay."

Kyuubi gave him a look out of the corners of his eyes, lying down on Naruto's hat. For once, the blonde made an effort not to move or knock him off. "Just so you know, we won't be buying that one for much longer," he commented. Haku tried not to smirk.

"It won't matter whether you believe me or not soon enough," he shrugged. "Can I get back to my speech?"

"By all means," Kyuubi spread his hands in a grand gesture, waiting for Haku to begin again.

"Seven years ago -"

"_Not_ seven."

"Shut up, twerp."

"Seven years ago," Haku repeated, glaring at Naruto meaningfully, "Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time – in other words, here – and entered the Sacred Realm, but when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. The Triforce separated into three parts, and only the Triforce of Power remained in his hands."

"Told you, everyone goes for power," Kyuubi commented. Haku shushed him a dark look.

"The strength of the Triforce of Power enabled him to become a mighty, evil king, but his dark ambitions were not satisfied," Haku continued. "In order to gain complete mastery of the world, Ganondorf started looking for those chosen by destiny to hold the other two Triforce parts."

"I'm guessing he hasn't found them yet, or else we'd all be dead," Kyuubi drawled. Haku grinned slightly.

"You tell me if he found them or not," he said. "Because the one with the Triforce of Courage is you, Naruto."

Silence. Kyuubi stared at his charge in shock, while Haku grinned in a superior kind of way. Naruto blinked.

"…Hold on, what?" he furrowed his brow in confusion. Haku and Kyuubi crashed to the floor, staring at him in disbelief.

"You have part of the Triforce," Haku repeated, picking himself up off the ground and dusting himself off. "The Courage part, to be exact."

"Really?" Kyuubi raised an eyebrow, sitting up. "The twerp has _Courage?_"

"Well, what part of the Triforce would you have given him? Wisdom?" Haku snorted. Kyuubi nodded thoughtfully.

"Fair enough."

Naruto began to process what Haku had said. "I have part of the Triforce?"

"Yes," Haku confirmed. Naruto jumped up, pumping his fist into the air.

"HA! In your face, Sasuke, wherever you are!" he beamed triumphantly. "I have part of the Triforce! How do like that, bastard?"

"Don't speak too soon," Kyuubi warned. Haku nodded.

"Right. The one who holds the Triforce of Wisdom, the other chosen by destiny, is the seventh Sage, who is destined to be the ruler of them all," Haku informed him. Naruto's face fell.

"Not another Temple…" he groaned. Haku chuckled.

"No…the seventh Sage will come to you," he said knowingly. He held up his hand, and the Triforce mark appeared there, glowing brightly. Naruto and Kyuubi gaped.

"No way!" Kyuubi recovered first, cursing and searching himself for something. "I was _so_ sure…"

"HA! Legendary Sucker, no more!" Tsunade yelled from off screen. "Cough up the cash, kitsune! I told you, you should've have placed such a large bet!"

"Haku? You're the seventh Sage?" Naruto asked him in complete surprise, ignoring the exchange between his fairy and the Godaime. Haku merely smiled, this time a hint of sadness in it, and the Triforce mark began to glow blindingly bright.

Once the light had faded, Naruto rubbed his eyes, moaning softly. "Ow…too bright…"

"YES!" Kyuubi shouted. "How do you like that, you old hag? My bet was right after all! You owe me ten times my stakes!"

"No!" Tsunade screeched in dismay. "That's some kind of fluke! This is unfair!"

"What's going on?" Naruto demanded. "I'm still seeing spots…"

Someone hit him on the back of the head, but the fist was too large to be Kyuubi's. Naruto stiffened, rubbing his eyes frantically, desperately trying to get his eyes to refocus. Once they had, Naruto didn't bother to stifle to onslaught of giggles that overcame him.

"Shut up," Sasuke warned, crossing his arms and looking desperately as though he wanted to be somewhere – _any_where – else. His pale, pale pink skirt reached the floor, and the sleeveless, filmy shirt a deep magenta. A delicate circlet with a bright pinkish-red ruby held back a few loose bangs, and several dangly bracelets decorated each wrist. Two crystal earrings hung from his ears, and, to his intense embarrassment, his face was decorated elegantly with make-up.

Several girls in the audience giggled and cooed at him. He closed his eyes and tried to keep calm, something that was hard to do while he was looking so murderous. "It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda," he ground out, cracking his knuckles warningly.

Naruto clutched his stomach, dropping to the floor and rolling, tears leaking from his eyes. His laughter mingled with Kyuubi's triumphant shouts and Tsunade's sobs. "Oh, god, it hurts…this is too funny…oh, man, the pain…"

"Shut _up!_ I have a speech to say and then I can get the hell out of here!" Sasuke yelled furiously.

Naruto's laughter subsided after a few more minutes. Once he had finally calmed himself, he sat down in the middle of the floor, thinking. Kyuubi, having collected an I.O.U on his substantial bet, sat atop Naruto's head.

"Okay, let me get this all straight," he said conversationally. "Not that I'm complaining here, but you, Zelda, have the Triforce of Wisdom. The twerp here has the Triforce of Courage."

"Unbelievable, isn't it?" Sasuke said, completely uninterested. Naruto frowned.

"Hey! I have courage!" he pouted.

"Shut up, both of you," Kyuubi snapped, looking offended. "The Triforce is completely racist. If it really was planning on giving the one with the most Wisdom that piece of the Triforce, then rightfully, it should be mine. The entire downfall of Hyrule never would have happened, but no, the entire kingdom was ruined because the Triforce only applies to Hylians." The fairy concluded by shaking his head sadly. "The entire thing could've been avoided."

"While you were rambling, you seem to have forgotten one little thing," Sasuke pointed out. "Ganondorf isn't a Hylian. He's a Gerudo, which disproves your whole theory."

Kyuubi fell silent. "…Shut up. At least I'm not wearing a skirt," he groused sulkily.

"WILL EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT THE DIN-DAMNED SKIRT?" Sasuke screeched, turning bright red very fast.

"Shouldn't the Triforce of Wisdom gone to someone like Shikamaru?" Naruto mused, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Sasuke yelled. "_I'M_ THE ONE WITH THE DAMNED TRIFORCE OF WISDOM, ALRIGHT? ACCEPT IT SO WE CAN MOVE ON WITH OUR DAMNED LIVES!"

"You know, maybe Neji would've gotten it," Naruto said to Kyuubi conversationally. Kyuubi nodded.

"Yes, he does has this sort of wisdom to him," he agreed. "Shikamaru would probably just say it was troublesome and ignore it. I still say it should be mine, though."

Sasuke activated his Sharingan. Both Naruto and Kyuubi fell silent. "I have spent hours on end in my trailer trying to memorize this entire damn speech," he said, eerily calm. "If you don't let me get on with it, I _will_ kill you both. And I'll enjoy it."

"Yes, ma'am," the two of them chorused, shrinking back when Sasuke gave them a look that practically oozed venom.

"I apologize," Sasuke snorted slightly, "for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil."

"Wait a minute! Sasuke was in disguise…?" Naruto frowned, before he gasped, eyes flying wide open. "Are you saying that you were actually Haku?"

Sasuke developed a twitch. Kyuubi, helpfully, thudded a fist against Naruto's head.

"Zelda was Sheik, but Haku and Sasuke are different people," Kyuubi explained. "Now shut up before the nice Princess loses her patience and kills us both."

"Oh," Naruto nodded slightly. "I was wondering how Sasuke would've attacked himself in a fight…"

"Wait a minute, I'm immortal," Kyuubi remembered. "What do I care?"

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke bellowed. Silence reigned, allowing him to continue. "On that day, seven years ago – don't say anything, dead last, it was seven years – Ganondorf attacked Hyrule castle…"

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The screen showed a black-and-white version of a scene shown twice so far – once as a dream sequence, and another time when it actually happened. Katsuyu, the giant slug-horse, began inching her way through the drawbridge, with Sasuke and Kakashi sitting on her back, looking impatient and reading porn respectively. The young black-and-white Naruto 'ran' out of the way.

"I saw you as I was escaping from the castle with my attendant, Impa," Sasuke droned with a sigh. "I thought I should entrust the Ocarina of Time to you. I hindsight, that was really stupid of me to trust you with anything, but I figured it was out best chance."

"And you regretted it from that day forward," Kyuubi said solemnly. There was a sound as if someone was being flicked into a wall. "For Din's sake, twerp! It isn't required that someone hits me during every cut-scene, you know!"

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"I thought if you had the Ocarina, Ganondorf couldn't enter the Sacred Realm, but then you were stuck in there for seven years," Sasuke said. "Ganondorf got the Triforce, invaded the Sacred Realm, and became an evil king. All of this is an unfortunate coincidence."

Kyuubi gaped. "An unfortunate coincidence? Zelly, you screwed up bad. You can't possibly be trying to pass this off as an 'unfortunate coincidence'. Honestly…"

"I may be a Princess, but that still makes me a your superior," Sasuke said threateningly. "If I say it's a damn coincidence, then it is."

Kyuubi snorted. "Sure thing, my Royal Cross-dresser."

Sasuke reactivated his Sharingan. Naruto clamped a hand over where he was pretty sure Kyuubi's mouth was.

"I passed myself off as a Sheikah and waited seven years," Sasuke said, rushing his words, trying to finish his speech faster. "Now that you're back, the dark age can end. The six Sages will open the sealed door and lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm, and I'll seal the door to the Sacred Realm from this world. Ganondorf will vanish from Hyrule, until the game makers decide to bring him back to life via a plot device so they can make another game."

"And you'll get Ganondorf into the Sacred Realm…how?" Kyuubi drawled. Sasuke looked at Naruto.

"That's his job," he said, bored. Naruto looked crestfallen.

"Why?" he whined. "Can't someone else do it? Like…I don't know, get Sai back here again."

"_HELL_ NO," both Sasuke and Kyuubi yelled at him. Naruto's eyes were wide and he squeaked slightly.

"Okay," he peeped. Sasuke closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, while Kyuubi settled for glaring at him warningly.

"To make things easier for you, I'm going to give you the scared arrows of light," Sasuke said, snapping his fingers. Nothing happened. He frowned, twitching again.

"I'm sorry," Iruka ran on screen, holding the bundle of Light arrows gingerly. "They went missing around chapter twenty-nine – some insane girl who claimed to be a light warrior princess stole them…they've been sprayed with disinfectant and made safe to use now. Sorry for the delay."

"None of this is my problem," Sasuke said slowly. "I don't care. Give him the arrows so I can get on with my life and out of this damned _dress_."

Iruka tried to force back a smile, handing over the Light arrows. Naruto studied them eagerly. "Oh boy! Thanks, Iruka-sensei!" he grinned. Iruka smiled and walked off screen, the screen beginning to shake and rumble just as he left.

Sasuke's eyes went wide. "What the fu -"

He was suddenly encased a clear pink crystal. Sasuke banged his fists furiously against it, activating his Sharingan instinctively. Orochimaru's creepy voice rang out clearly, a dark chuckle echoing off the walls.

"Zelda, you traitor," he sneered. "I commend you for avoiding me for seven long years…but you came back to me. They always do…"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You idiot, I did not."

There was a pause, and Orochimaru said quietly, "Oh, yeah. But you _did_ let your guard down! I knew you would appear if I let this kid run around!"

"Right, you let me run around," Naruto said skeptically.

"You keep telling yourself that," Kyuubi snickered.

"Shut up," Orochimaru whined. "I'm saying my cool bad-guy speech now. My turn to talk."

"So sorry," Kyuubi apologized. "My charge here sometimes forgets that we evil guys have feelings, too."

Orochimaru paused again. "…Kyuubi? Is that you?"

"Yeah."

"Hey! Haven't heard from you in awhile!" Orochimaru greeted. "Let's see…the Villains' Convention last summer, wasn't it?"

"You remembered!" Kyuubi mock-gushed.

Naruto coughed loudly and pointedly. Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Right, sorry, you had something to say?"

"Only that I slightly underestimated the power of this kid," Orochimaru hissed, but suddenly sniggered. "No…it was the power of the Triforce of Courage that I misjudged…but, with Princess Zelda's Triforce of Wisdom, I'll soon have all three parts, and become the true ruler of the world!"

Sasuke hissed at him. "Like hell! The only way you could get it is by taking it with force!"

"That's not all I plan to take with force, Princess," Orochimaru said slyly. Sasuke's eyes went extremely wide and fearful. Naruto turned very green, and Kyuubi looked stricken. A very irate Itachi marched on screen, followed by a nervous security team.

"No matter HOW much I hate _that_," Itachi pointed at his brother trapped in the crystal, "I am NOT going to allow you to do that to an Uchiha!"

"What?" Orochimaru said with false innocence. "I was merely referring to that lovely circlet he's wearing around his head. It's very pretty. I figured I might be able to sell it on Ebay or something."

Itachi didn't look convinced, but he marched off screen anyway, sending scathing looks at Genma and Raidou as they followed. Sasuke pounded on the crystal walls again.

"Dead last, if you don't save me, I swear I'll kill you," he threatened, before the crystal disappeared in a flash.

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Ganon's Castle hovered slightly above a dark pit of lava, floating on a large chunk of rock. Dark, wispy clouds circled around it's tall towers, and spikes lines the tall fortress walls. Dark chunks of rubble lay strewn where the lush green field used to be, and the sky had darkened almost completely. Naruto stared up at it in horror, Kyuubi flitting around his head clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

"Honestly, I always love that homey kind of depressing look to a castle, but this is just overboard," Kyuubi shook his head. "You'd think a Dark King would be eager to kill people off; I'd murder his decorator, if I were him."

"Kyuubi, stop critiquing, dattebayo," Naruto scowled. "Look at what he's done to Hyrule Castle!"

Kyuubi looked at him strangely. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what I was doing, twerp," he said factually.

"Ahem," someone cleared his throat noisily. "Hello…? Been trying to get your attention over here."

Naruto looked around blindly, and the voice sighed. "It's Rauru."

Both Kyuubi and Naruto looked at each other blankly. The Sandaime tried again. "The Sage of Light…? You knew me for a five-minute explanatory sequence, and I told you to go to the Temple of Time last chapter, remember?"

"Oh," they chorused in realization.

"Hi, Naruto!" Sakura's voice was faint.

"Saria says hello," The Sandaime sighed.

"Tell him we all say hi, too!" Jiraiya shouted from the background. "Oh, and tell him he's an idiot for not kissing that ranch girl last chapter! He had the perfect opportunity!"

"W-What?" Naruto stammered. Kyuubi grinned, rolling his eyes.

The Sandaime sighed again, resigned. "The other Sages say hello, too."

"Uh, hi," Naruto said awkwardly. The Sandaime's voice grew slightly fainter. "Naruto says hello to you, too. Now if you don't mind, I'm supposed to tell him that we'll gather our power to make him a bridge."

"That's okay," Naruto called. "Um, I heard you. That would be helpful, thanks."

Rainbow coloured lights began raining down from the sky, forming a strange, crystal-like bridge over the lava pit across to the entrance. The lights seemed to dance along the sloped edges.

"That should hold up," The Sandaime assured Naruto. "Inside, there are six evil barriers protecting Ganon's Tower. You'll know which one Ganon's Tower is because it's the big barrier-protected thing in the middle."

Naruto nodded to show he understood.

"Now get in there and save Princess Zelda," The Sandaime declared. His voice grew faint again. "Now, what were the votes again? We have three votes on pizza, two votes on Chinese take-out…" With an audible click, the Sandaime's voice was cut off, leaving a loud silence. Naruto gulped, tentatively testing the bridge, tapping it lightly with his foot. It was solid.

"Here we go, twerp," Kyuubi breathed. "The beginning of the end."

"Please don't say it's the end," Naruto paled. Kyuubi smirked slightly, sitting on top of his hat and patting his head comfortingly.

"Here we go."

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Alright! I was worried this would end up being a really short chapter…but it turned out as long as the others! Coming up next chapter, Naruto does all new, never before seen mini-Temples, that are not at all just condensed, rip off versions of the actual Temples themselves! Honest!

Stay tuned, and thanks for watching! Uh, reading. I meant reading.


	39. The Last Twenty Chapters in a Nutshell

YOSH! And now, we're back to Naruto characters doing the disclaimer! And, in fact, for this chapter we have our beloved kitsune, the loveable perverted fairy, the would-be demon, Kyuubi!

Kyuubi: …You're kidding, right? I'm not doing your damn disclaimer. It's not even in my contract, so why should I? I have more important things to do, author-twerp.

Oh, director…

Kyuubi: She doesn't own anything. DAMN, you're annoying.

I know! Now, usually I would thank someone here…but I won't this time. Why? Because I feel like I can't single anyone in particular out. I feel like it would be unfair to the other reviewers, who I really want to thank as well. So, I'll just thank everybody. I'm not mentioning you by name, but you all know that I'm thanking you, right?

Alright, the beginning of the end! ROLL THE CHAPTER!

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Naruto paled rapidly, staring up at the tall tower in the centre of the castle floor, protected by a barrier coming from six spikes jutting out from the walls. Six doors – one blocked by a huge stone pillar – were accessible by tall and sloping staircases. Kyuubi took a quick scan around the room.

"I think you should go around to the right," Kyuubi said analytically. "You can skip over the room with the pillar blocking it…"

"This seems unfair, dattebayo," Naruto said dismally. "I already did the Temples. I don't want to do them again."

"You're telling me," Kyuubi muttered assent. "It's not like we have much of a choice, though, twerp. We'd better get started if we want to get past this."

Naruto nodded, pouting slightly, before going to the right as his guardian fairy had advised, entering the room with the Forest Temple emblem above the door. Four torches were in a square shape on the floor, with a less noticeable torch above the door. Already half-dead was a Wolfos, foaming at the mouth and twitching slightly.

Naruto blinked. "It looks like it's dying from rabies or something," he observed shocked. Kyuubi brought out a small set of familiar pom-poms.

"_Luck! L-U-C-K! Gimmicks again? It looks that way!_" Kyuubi cheered, before blinking and rubbing his forehead, cursing. "By the Goddesses, not again…I thought I burned these things, damn it! DIN! NAYRU, FARORE! WE NEED TO TALK!"

"This isn't us," Nayru said worriedly. "It looks like Ganondorf has put a strong magical field in front of the door. From what we can tell, it sort of recreates what happened inside the actual Temples…"

"Sorry, Kyuu," Farore apologized. "We did what we could to disable it, but…"

"It didn't work," Din said obviously.

"No kidding," Kyuubi groused, shaking his pom-poms from side to side absentmindedly.

"Kyuubi, I dropped Din's Fire and it went off without taking any of my magic power," Naruto informed the kitsune. Kyuubi sighed.

"_Surprised? No way! It surprises me not,_" Kyuubi chanted resignedly. "_But we have another room to do, so give it all you've got!_ _YEAH!_"

The bars on the door flew upwards, letting Naruto through. The moment he entered the next room, the large fans stuck to the walls started up, sending the silver rupees flying right at Naruto. He ducked instinctively, as they embedded themselves in the wall behind him. The Beamos in the middle of the room, fortunately, couldn't move, and therefore could not stop the rupee flying toward it. It punctured the Beamos' head, making it explode from the sharp contact.

"_C-O-N-V-E! Check it out, did you see? N-I-E-N-T! It's absurd, but I'll pay no heed! Go, go, Naruto! Cross over now, be careful, though!_" Kyuubi didn't bother to tuck away the pom-poms, resigned to the fact that he would likely have to cheer again.

Naruto plucked the silver rupees from the wall, tucking them into his kunai pouch. The door on the other side unbarred, making the new task of getting to the door seem a fair bit easier. Equipping his Hover boots, he took a cautious step forward onto nothingness.

Luckily, at that precise moments, two air currents clashed, sending him whizzing across the room at top speed. The fans died down, leaving him to cling to the side of the platform. He hoisted himself up, breathing heavily.

"That was really scary," he admitted. "But I guess you can say I flew right through this room, huh, Kyuubi?" he chuckled a bit at his own joke.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes, pushing his charge towards the door. Taking the hint, Naruto went through to the next room, and stared up at what was before him, bewildered.

What seemed to be some kind of orb was covered by a thin green force field, connecting from the floor to the ceiling. A torch stood on either side of the strange thing, but other than that, the room was sparse.

"_Hey, hey, Naruto! I know what you should do!_" Kyuubi cheered, doing a cartwheel in midair. "_Shoot it with a Light arrow that the Princess gave you!_"

Trusting both Kyuubi and his temporary streak of luck, he fired an arrow at the red orb in the middle. The orb swelled and burst, the greenness around it dissipating. Sakura, dressed in green with her pink hair, appeared where the orb had been, smiling.

"The Forest barrier has been dispelled!" Sakura said. "Hurry up, Naruto!"

"I'm hurrying," Naruto said, tone injured, but Sakura didn't hear him. Naruto felt a rushing sensation, as if he was being sent flying through the Forest Hall backwards. He blinked, and he was outside the door, staring up again at Ganon's Tower. The green light connecting from the barrier to the spike above the door thinned and disappeared, weakening the barrier.

"Next one is the Water Hall…" Naruto frowned. "Doesn't that seem strange to you that it's out of order?"

"The game makers, trying to give the game a less-linear sense," Kyuubi answered simply. "Just do it, and don't break order. I'm almost positive there's something to what order we do these rooms in. If we find something you can't do, we move onto the next one and come back to it, okay?"

"Okay," Naruto agreed, opening the door to the Water Hall. Instantly, Kyuubi was shivering, darting inside to take a quick look around.

Rather than be reminiscent of the Temple, the Water Hall was more like the Ice Cavern – a place unfamiliar to the kitsune, who had been missing at the time. Kyuubi looked around, perplexed, not noticing the odd, courageous look on Naruto's face.

"I have no idea what the hell is going on this place," he said frankly. "Check this out, twerp. This fire's blue…" his eyes widened. "This must be the work of the Great Goddesses. Come, twerp, we must pray for their guidance…" he began searching himself. "If I could just remember where I put my book on Triforcism…"

Rather than remind him that he had ripped it up, Naruto boldly ventured forth, Biggoron sword drawn. "I see! The two Freezards in this room must be slain, before I dare attempt to cut down these tall icicles to get to the blue fire! Navi, will you assist me?"

Kyuubi looked up at him, stared, and went back to what he was doing. Naruto shrugged and drew his bow, aiming a fire arrow at what seemed to be a moving block of ice.

Once both Freezards had been killed, Naruto bottled some of the blue fire, bringing it over to the door to melt the red ice blocking it. Kyuubi stopped meditating long enough to see, and he watched with interest.

"Blue fire melts red ice," he snorted. "Real clever. Did you figure out to do that yourself, twerp?"

"Indeed, Navi!" Naruto nodded fervently, bottling some more blue fire – just in case. "Though you were not present at the time, I have been through a similar trial called the Ice Cavern. 'Twas where I acquired my Iron boots, which were highly useful in the Water Temple."

"True," Kyuubi nodded, flitting over to the door.

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"That puzzle was HELL," Kyuubi ground out. "Even for me. Two minutes to get through that damn room where you could barely walk without sliding into a pit!"

"Navi, it wasn't that bad," Naruto said weakly, but Kyuubi cut him off.

"DAMN, I hate game puzzles," he snapped. "I hate timed ones even more…"

Naruto looked at the fairy helplessly before piercing another orb – this one enshrouded by blue – with a Light arrow. Ino, still as naked as the day she was born, appeared.

"The Water barrier has been dispelled!" she exclaimed. "Now go save my Princess!"

Naruto frowned, opening his mouth to say something, but stopped when the rushing feeling overcame him. The barrier around the Tower weakened once again, cut off from the Water Hall.

"Next is…Shadow, I think," Naruto said, looking up at the insignia above the door. "Do you remember the gimmick for the Shadow Temple?"

"Yes," Kyuubi's expression darkened. "OOC Virus, remember?"

Naruto groaned. "I hated that stupid virus…and I hated the needle I had to get for it even more…" He sighed. "Do we have to?"

"You already know the answer," Kyuubi rolled his eyes, pushing him through the door. The large emptiness that was the Shadow Hall seemed to impose itself on the two, making Naruto shudder as his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. There were only a few scattered platforms, and a lone green bubble floating around in a circle. Further away, a Like-Like squirmed on a large rectangular platform. Other than that, there were only two or three other visible platforms, one supporting an unlit torch, another with a small chest, and the last far on the other side with a rusted switch.

"I changed my mind," Kyuubi said quickly. "I don't want to! Let's go back…"

"Kyuubi!" Naruto said incredulously as the kitsune buried his face childishly in Naruto's hat. "We can't…Sasuke…"

"Screw the Princess," Kyuubi hissed. "I don't like this place, damn it!" he shook his head, rubbing his forehead lethargically. "Ugh…I already feel weird…let's hurry this up…"

"Okay," Naruto nodded. "It looks like there's no floor, but I'll bet there actually is." He took out his Lens of Truth, holding it up and boldly starting forward. Suddenly he looked startled as he slipped off the side, swinging his body to cling to the platform. He hoisted himself up, panting.

"Kyuubi! There's no floor!" he gasped. Kyuubi blinked.

"We'll deal with that later then," he decided. "For now, take care of everything that you can, like the green bubble and that torch."

Naruto nodded, taking out his bow. He shot Kyuubi a quick look, which Kyuubi understood. He zoomed over to the green bubble, almost tauntingly. Naruto knocked an arrow, piercing the skull with one quick shot. The then knocked a Fire arrow, aiming it at the torch.

"Mind hovering around the torch?" he called. Kyuubi gave him a thumbs up, flitting over to it. Naruto let the arrow fly, lighting the torch. To his surprise, several translucent platforms appeared, and a timer started. Automatically, he jumped forward, cautiously but quickly walking across them.

"No time to be careful," Kyuubi chastised. "Aim another Fire arrow at that Like-Like the second you hop to that platform, got it?"

Naruto nodded again, jumping over to the platform frantically, and just in time; the translucent platforms vanished under his feet, giving him barely enough time to spring forward. The Like-Like twisted it's body, reaching for the blonde and trying to suck him in. Being only a few inches from it, Naruto managed to pierce it's oily skin with a Fire arrow, setting it aflame. Kyuubi watched it burn with mild interest. He started towards it once it had been reduced to a steaming, greasy pile.

"You can use the leftover Like-Like as an ingredient in your appetizers. Simply wring out the grease and set it aside, and then use a lovely blend of spices to cook it to perfection. I prefer ginger, pepper, paprika, and my own special spice you can now buy in stores at the low price of 3.99. It's a good thing."

"Kyuubi," Naruto sighed, tugging at his wings urgently. "Come on…we have OOC Virus…"

"Hn," Kyuubi snorted, flitting over to the door. "Hurry up, dead last. You're slowing me down."

Naruto's expression darkened. "What did you just call me…?"

Kyuubi smirked. "I called you a dead last, dead last."

Suddenly, Naruto burst into loud tears. "That's s-so m-mean!" he hiccupped, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and blocked his ears, humming lightly in an attempt to drown him out. Naruto sniffled, sobbing and casting furtive looks the fairy's way.

"Alright! Alright!" Kyuubi shouted, flying back towards Naruto. "Shut up, twerp…what do you want?"

Naruto sniffled again, turning wide, watery eyes towards a switch on a platform further away. It seemed out of place where it was. Kyuubi looked back at him. "You want me to press the switch?"

Naruto nodded cutely, staring at him wide pleading eyes. Kyuubi sighed. "Fine. Do want a lollipop, too?"

Naruto nodded again. Kyuubi sighed and handed him a lollipop. Naruto contently stuck it in his mouth childishly, beaming. "Thank you, Kyuubi," he said adorably, sitting down on the ground and watching him expectantly.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "I'm used to babysitting the twerp, but this is ridiculous," he muttered, piling on stacks of his parenting books on the switch. It finally flattened, and a large treasure chest appeared directly in front of Naruto. He yelped and fell backwards in surprise.

"There you go, twerp," Kyuubi sighed. "Now open it so we can get out of here. I don't think I can take another personality attack…"

Naruto threw open the chest greedily. "Precious…" he hissed eagerly, equipping the Golden Gauntlets. Kyuubi gave him another disturbed look.

"Okay, now you're managing to freak me out," he commented. "Let's go now before something in my brain implodes."

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"Hey! It's Impa! Hi, Impa! How are you doing? How's the Sacred Realm? Do they serve good food? Where do you sleep? Do you need to sleep? Do Sages even need to do anything? Do you just stand around and do nothing? That would be really boring, I don't think I could do that, but I guess it doesn't matter since I'm not a Sage. What do you think is more important, a Sage or me? Nothing would really happen without me, but the Sages are needed too…do you think I should've asked to be a Sage instead of a fairy? Being a fairy kind of sucks. You don't even get a body, and Goddesses pick on you and stuff…"

"Kyuubi! Shut up!" Naruto snarled. Kakashi looked up from Icha Icha Paradise, blinking his one eye in bewilderment.

"…Am I missing something?" he asked slowly.

"OOC Virus," Naruto informed him wearily. "We had it during the Shadow Temple, so we have it again now."

Kakashi looked slightly perturbed. "Stay away from me, then," he said lazily, shooing him back. "I don't want to catch it or anything."

"IMPA! Stop lingering and dispel the damn barrier!" someone bellowed from off screen. Kakashi sighed and tucked his book away.

"The Shadow barrier has been dispelled," Kakashi said. "Now go away. You're infected."

Naruto close his eyes, now expectant of the odd feeling. He reopened his eyes, staring up at the fading barrier around Ganon's Tower.

"Halfway done, twerp," Kyuubi sighed, rubbing his head. "Ugh…feels like I was hit over the head with a Deku stick…I hate OOC Virus…"

"Fire Hall next," Naruto pointed. Kyuubi shook his head slightly to clear it.

"Right…put on your Goron tunic, then," Kyuubi instructed. Naruto looked at him quizzically. "The red one," Kyuubi elaborated.

Naruto ducked around off screen. "Make sure no one watches me change!" he called. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Honestly, he acts like such a girl sometimes," he snorted. Naruto ducked back on screen after a short while, now wearing his Goron tunic.

"I'm done," he announced. "Let's go now."

"Right, just do what I say in there, twerp," Kyuubi nodded, starting to go through the door after Naruto. Suddenly his eyes widened, and he opened his mouth frantically to say something. The door closed in his face. Naruto whirled around, panicked.

"KYUUBI!" he screeched, pounding on the door, trying to make it open. The door didn't budge.

He slumped against the door. "Right," he whispered to himself. "Kyuubi wasn't there in the Fire Temple. I'm on my own again." He looked around the room. It looked to be a simple rupee collecting puzzle, with a giant stone pillar in the far corner of the room. Bubbling magma seemed to eat away at the sides of the platforms. Slowly, Naruto opened his mouth and began to sing 'Lonely' by 'Akon'.

"_I entered the Fire Hall one night_

_And my fairy partner wasn't by my side_

_Now I'm forced to sing_

_What pain gimmicks bring_

_Now I'm feeling all empty inside…_"

He hopped onto the large platform, yelping as it began to sink into the magma. He jumped up onto another platform, avoiding the fire being spewed out of a column and collecting a silver rupee. He began to sing again.

"_Lonely, I am so lonely_

_I have no fairy_

_To call my own_

_I'm so lonely, I'm Mr_._ Lonely_

_I have no fairy_

_To call my own…Kyuubi…_"

Naruto jumped over to the huge stone pillar, seizing the bottom and straining to lift it. With the power of the Golden gauntlets, he managed to throw it across the room. The end jutted out of the magma, creating another platform and revealing a rupee underneath it.

"_Lonely, so lonely_

_So lonely_

_Mr_._ Lonely, so lonely, so lonely_

_Mr_._ Lonely_."

He sighed sadly, wiping a few tears misting over his eyes. A few members of the audience sniffled, Nayru among them.

"That was beautiful," she sniffed, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "He did so well."

Farore and Din exchanged significant looks, but wisely stayed quiet. After all, neither of them wanted to be on Nayru's bad side.

Naruto collected another rupee, quickly leaping onto the pillar before the platform could sink. He eyed the last rupee warily.

"Okay…easy…I've done good so far, so I can't mess this up now," he said to himself slowly, inching his way as close to the platform as possible. He reached out a hand carefully, hoping that he could somehow reach it. He sighed. He couldn't reach.

"Okay…don't panic," he told himself. "Just jump on, and jump off. If I go fast enough, it won't sink…"

He squeezed his eyes shut and hopped onto the platform. It began to shake, and Naruto felt it begin to lower under his feet. Panicking slightly, he grabbed the rupee, jumping off and flinging himself onto the pillar. The door unbarred, to Naruto's immense relief. He drew his Longshot, jumping quickly back to the main platform and hooking onto a target by the door.

He shot the red orb, making it swell up and explode, and Jiraiya appeared. "Hey, kid," he grinned. "The Fire barrier has been dispelled. Better hurry up."

Naruto was about to retort, but he was sent rushing back to the entrance before he could. He shook his head, reeling a bit. Kyuubi hit him over the head.

"Damn it, twerp, you could've waited for me," he said angrily. Naruto blinked.

"…You mean, you just didn't make it through the door in time?" He said, startled. "I thought…"

"Oh, right, I went on strike during the Fire Temple, right?" Kyuubi snickered. "That wasn't a gimmick, twerp, that was me getting what was rightfully mine."

Naruto looked crestfallen. "But I was all alone!" he wailed. "I thought…"

"It's your own fault," Kyuubi shrugged. "Now that you have those gauntlets, though, I suggest we get out of here. There was a huge pillar I think you could lift with those. Probably something useful on the other side."

Naruto hesitated, but shook his head. "No, I think I should keep going. We don't have much time."

"What?" Kyuubi said incredulously. "But that's stupid. There's no point if you aren't properly prepared! You want to get killed because you weren't completely equipped?"

"I'll be fine, Kyuubi," Naruto rolled his eyes. "You worry way too much. I only have two halls left, right? The faster I can get them done, the better."

Kyuubi still didn't look convinced, but nodded in agreement. "Alright, twerp," he sighed. "In that case, hurry it up faster. We're so close to the end…"

Naruto nodded, running down the stairs to the huge pillar. "I can lift this now, though," he informed Kyuubi. "The gauntlets make me even stronger than I was with the Silver gauntlets."

"Awesome," the fairy commented. "Do it, then."

Naruto grunted, lifting the pillar slowly before throwing it right over his head. The pillar shattered when it struck the barrier, chunks of it narrowly missing both the blonde and the fairy. The Light Hall was revealed, and they exchanged glances.

"Was there a Light Temple?" Naruto questioned, confused.

"Nope," Kyuubi shook his head. "The closest to it was the Temple of Time, and we didn't have to do anything there."

Naruto shrugged, entering. He looked confused and slightly suspicious. "It's empty…there's just a whole bunch of treasure chests."

"Like hell," Kyuubi growled, staring instinctively at something, ears pricked and alert. "Lens of Truth, twerp. And don't open any of those chests…"

Naruto jumped slightly, peering through the Lens. "You're right," he confirmed. "There's a Skulltula and a bunch of Keese on top of the chests. Can you Z-Target them?"

Kyuubi looked at him strangely. "I can't see them."

"So?" Naruto blinked. "You're a kitsune. Smell them or something."

Kyuubi grumbled, but complied. "Right, because I'm supposed to be able to do everything…when in doubt, make Kyuubi do it…I'm surprised they haven't just given everyone a whip or something to crack when I'm not going fast enough…"

Naruto shot arrows at Kyuubi whenever he indicated he was hovering above a Keese, lastly aiming the Longshot for the unsuspecting Skulltula. The hook pierced right through the skull-like armour, making it squeal and fall down. A small chest appeared in the middle of the room.

"Open that one," Kyuubi advised. "Only that one. The others are probably just traps. That's the only one you can trust."

Naruto kicked it open, taking out the small key inside and unlocking the door. The next room was a small hallway, with a simple Triforce mark on the floor. Naruto blinked, and Kyuubi snickered.

"Wow, this Hall really is tough," he said with mock-concern. "I don't think you can handle it, twerp. We should just head back right now."

Naruto looked shocked. "We can't do that! We still -"

"That was sarcasm, twerp," Kyuubi rolled his eyes. Naruto looked confused, but he went ahead and played Zelda's Lullaby. Another small chest appeared, and inside was another small key.

The next room made Naruto face fall. "It's because you made fun of it," he said solemnly. "You hurt it's feelings, so it made a hard room."

Kyuubi gave him a flat look. "A mini-Temple doesn't have feelings," he said. "A Temple, maybe, but not a mini-Temple. Now, we're wasting time. You have two minutes to collect all the rupees. Try inside those nooks, and move the same direction as those boulders."

Naruto nodded, running into the cramped maze at the first possible opportunity. Kyuubi relaxed. Knowing his charge's mind, this would likely take longer than two minutes.

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The barrier around Ganon's Tower faded even more as the Light barrier disappeared, and Naruto stood in front of the final door; the Spirit Hall. He gulped slightly.

"Go on," Kyuubi urged him forward. "We're almost there. After this it's the final battle, and then it's over. It's done, and we don't have to suffer through this damn parody anymore."

Naruto inhaled deeply and opened the door. Instantly, he clutched his head, reeling; beside him, he faintly registered Kyuubi groaning and falling to the floor; then he blinked. The pain was over, and instead he felt a familiar sinking feeling as he beat his wings frantically, trying to keep himself airborne.

"Ugh…" Kyuubi, now in Naruto's body, shook his head with a depressed groan. "And I find myself, once again, trapped within a body made from my own hatred of myself…"

"Hey," Naruto frowned, insulted. Kyuubi replaced his hat with a black beret, and Naruto groaned. "Kyuubi, are you all depressed again?"

Kyuubi watched the many steel traps slide back and forth. "The steel traps. Only ever moving the same way. I despise their conforming ways. I hate them for being all the same. I hate myself for being different. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed."

Some people in the audience snapped their fingers appreciatively. Kyuubi scowled broodingly at them.

"It's really weird watching myself say stuff like that," Naruto frowned. "Well, are you going to do stuff now? We have to hurry up, like you said."

"You're just trying to make me act like you," he shot at his charge. "You're just like everyone else. You're ruining my life."

"Yeah, okay," Naruto sighed. "Can we hurry up now? I want my body back."

Kyuubi looked considering…in a dark, brooding way, of course. "Whatever." He tossed a bomb at the Beamos in the middle of the room, making it explode promptly and leaving a silver rupee behind. Several other silver rupees were scattered around the room, guarded by steel traps that bounced off Armos statues. Kyuubi pulled the statues further out from the wall, giving him more space to retrieve the rupees.

"Good idea, Kyuubi!" Naruto said enthusiastically. Kyuubi snorted, picking up another rupee with one hand while tapping on a new set of bongos with the other.

"Your incessant upbeat attitude only serves to dampen my already crushed soul," he said coolly. Naruto blinked.

"Um…okay then." He flitted over to the door as the bars flew upwards. "Let's hurry up. You're starting to creep me out again."

Kyuubi opened the door, sword already drawn. He surveyed the two crystal switches on the other side of the bars, before looking pointedly at Naruto. The oblivious blonde stared back.

"Fly over the top and hit the switches," he said slowly. "What are you, stupid?"

"Oh," Naruto said, finally understanding. "What do I hit…?"

"I don't care!" Kyuubi shrieked. "Just go, okay? Get the hell out of my life! Just let me die here…" his wrist neared the edge of the Biggoron sword. Naruto grabbed his wrist.

"HEY! My body you're trying to hurt!" he said angrily. "Leave me alone!"

Kyuubi crossed his arms huffily. "Don't pretend to understand me! I hate you!"

Naruto rolled his eyes and flew through the bars, hitting Kyuubi's spork against the switches. A small chest dropped down on Kyuubi's side, and the door, that had been barred, opened. Kyuubi kicked open the chest, snorting derisively at the Bombchu inside.

"Alright, what other stupid stuff do I have to do before I can get the hell out of here?" Kyuubi asked dully. "There's a poetry slam coming up in about half an hour."

"Um…I think you have to shine light into one of those faces," Naruto said, pointing at the sun faces on the walls. Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.

"Good job, conformist twerp," he said, biting sarcasm in his voice. "Only there's no light in this room. It's nearly as dark as I am." He paused. "That would make a good poem…"

"Um…" he looked around. "There's a hole in the ceiling blocked by spider webs. You could use one of my Fire arrows, I think."

Kyuubi aimed a Fire arrow at the ceiling and fired. The webs burned away, and a beam of light shone down. Naruto himself brightened; he wasn't used to being right when he guessed.

Kyuubi aimed his shield up at one of the sun faces, but it burned up, leaving nothing behind. Kyuubi's only warning was the shadow growing beneath him and the faint whooshing sound. He ducked and rolled away, just as the Wallmaster pounced. He stared at it with dark fascination.

"Dark, scabbed, and pursuing a purpose," he began. "The hand is cold and clammy, like the hand that grips my soul. It squeezes the life out of me. I grow colder and colder, until I am frozen in my own pain. I bleed, and bleed, and bleed."

Naruto slapped his forehead, dragging a hand down his face. "Kyuubi…" he whined.

"Whatever," the kitsune-boy muttered, aiming a patch of light by a different sun face. This one lit up, opening it's eyes and smiling widely. Kyuubi spat at it in disgust, and Naruto began pushing him towards the door.

"Come on," he urged. "Let's go! Then you don't have to be in my body anymore…and you won't be acting so weird," he added in a quieter voice.

Kyuubi pierced the orb with a Light arrow, and Temari appeared. She looked at them both warily.

"Alright, so who is who?" she asked cautiously.

"I'm Naruto," Naruto said helpfully.

"None of your business," Kyuubi snarled. "You wouldn't understand me no matter who I said I was…"

Temari blinked. "Right," she drawled. "The Spirit barrier has been dispelled. Good luck, kid."

They were transported out, as usual, but this time when they arrived outside the door, the barrier around Ganon's Tower shattered. Naruto quickly checked himself. Yes, he was in his own body again.

"I thought I got rid of these," Kyuubi said, throwing his bongos to the side, wrinkling his nose. Then he looked at Naruto strangely. "Uh, twerp, your hat…"

Naruto ripped off the black beret, replacing it with his green hat. "So…this is it," he said nervously.

"Yeah," Kyuubi said, exhaling. "Don't worry, twerp. You'll do fine."

They anxiously strode through the door to Ganon's Tower, fully expecting an attack the moment they walked through the door.

Naruto cracked one eye open a sliver. "Uh…Kyuubi?" he said slowly. Kyuubi opened his eyes as well, blinking in mild surprise.

"Oh," he said simply. "Looks like we still have more mini-bosses to fight, then."

Naruto thudded his head against the door.

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Yay! The mini-Temples are done! And since I'm skipping Ganon's Tower, that means…

BATTLE TIME NEXT CHAPTER! Just warning you all now, it will probably be one of my shorter chapters, because I'm not really good at the battle scenes. Especially drawing them out.

Once again, thanks for sticking around this long! We're really close to the end, everyone! …Which both makes me relieved and sad…and then happy again, because there's the sequel, and makes me think, "Oh god, I'm doing this AGAIN?"

Just kidding! Thanks for reading, and please review!


	40. It's All For The Fans!

To do the disclaimer now, I have the three Goddesses – Din, Nayru, and Farore! Even though they could probably, oh, I don't know…GIVE me the rights…?

Din: Nice try.

Farore: Don't count on it.

Nayru: Miss author doesn't own the rights to Nintendo or to Naruto. Sorry, lackofname.

(Sigh) It's okay…again, this chapter, I don't want to thank anyone in particular. Just thank you all, once again. We're almost at the end, people – two chapters left! And I'm nearly at 700 reviews!

ROLL IT! …No, not that one, the fight with Ganondorf…you got it? You sure? …Okay, that's the right one. Right, play that!

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"Impossibly long staircase with a red carpet," Kyuubi said out loud, eyes scanning the long, curved hallway and ears pricked for the subtlest sound. "Really bad organ music playing in the background…and what sounds almost like…" he furrowed his brow. "I'm taking a stab in the dark here, but I think it sounds like an Uchiha throwing a bitch-fit."

Naruto gulped. "I'm scared."

Kyuubi looked at him strangely. "You're…scared? The twerp, who was apparently chosen by destiny to wield the Triforce of Courage, is scared. You're the Hero of Time. You've battled your way through Temples, faced deranged windmill freaks, and killed more molester monsters than I think exist. And you're scared now?"

Naruto went very quiet. "Um…yeah?"

Kyuubi snorted. "Wow. Some job I did looking after you, then. You're a complete chicken-wussy. It's a wonder that they cast you."

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, almost angrily, pumping a fist in the air. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, Hero of Time and future Hokage! Just because I'm scared right now doesn't mean I'm not going to kick Orochimaru's ass!"

Kyuubi grinned. Naruto lowered his fist. "Just give me a minute," he said, with a sheepish smile. Kyuubi rolled his eyes.

"Well, I say you should start climbing this staircase," Kyuubi informed him. "Knowing how evil Ganondorf is, this is probably an impossibly long staircase. You'll have all the courage you need by the time you get to the top."

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Orochimaru sat on a dainty bench in front of the massive organ, tapping out keys almost hesitantly, looking utterly baffled. "I even asked for lessons, but no… 'That will cut down on production time', they said. I hope they're happy."

Sasuke leaned against the confines of his crystal, looking bored. "Are you actually going to do anything, or you going to complain?" he asked disinterestedly. "This prisoner thing is boring the hell out of me."

"Oh, don't worry, Princess, I'll definitely _do_ something," he grinned, "and I guarantee you won't be bored…"

Sasuke's eyes turned red. "Don't even try it," he spat. "If you come anywhere near me, I'll find a way to kick your ass."

"Oh, but I do plan on coming near you," his grin widened. Sasuke looked completely disgusted. Orochimaru continued, "So I'd worry about your own a -"

"Orochimaru!" Naruto burst through the door, Kyuubi flitting around his head. "This is it, dattebayo!"

"_ABOUT DAMN TIME!_"Sasuke hollered. "What took you so damn long, dead last? Do you have any idea what this guy was SAYING to me?"

Naruto scowled. "I went as fast as I could, bastard! And don't call me a dead last!"

"I'll just sit here and wait for you two to be done, then," Orochimaru said sarcastically.

"Popcorn?" Kyuubi offered a bag to Orochimaru. He shrugged and accepted.

"Does this kind of thing happen often?" Orochimaru asked, watching the two shout at each other angrily. Kyuubi nodded, but then shrugged.

"Only around the Princess," he replied. "I've learned not to interfere. Best just to sit back and watch the catfight 'til they're done. I've had to deal with this for the entire parody, you know," he informed him. Orochimaru looked sympathetic…or as sympathetic as he could look.

"Seriously," he snorted. "I'm only the damned bad guy. You'd think I'd be getting a little more attention here. Maybe I should just kill them both now."

Kyuubi's expression darkened. "Don't you dare lay a hand on him," he said threateningly. Orochimaru smirked.

"Right," he sneered. "I'm sure to listen to a pathetic fairy with a mother complex."

"FATHER! I am MALE!" Kyuubi screeched. "…Uh, and I don't have a complex!"

Naruto and Sasuke stopped bickering and turned their attention back to Orochimaru, prompted by Kyuubi's shrieking. The Evil King was snickering at an extremely angry Kyuubi, before knocking him away and sending him flying backwards into Naruto. The blonde was unaffected, but Kyuubi quite clearly had the wind knocked out of him.

"Bastard," Kyuubi wheezed, glaring at him. Naruto yelped and stared at his hand. The Triforce mark glowed brightly on the back of his hand. Sasuke, in the crystal, stared at his own glowing hand. Orochimaru chuckled.

"The Triforce parts are resonating," he said, his voice almost a hiss. Naruto suppressed a shudder. "They are combining into one again…"

"Oh, hell no," Kyuubi muttered. Naruto looked at him inquiringly. "That doesn't mean good news for us, twerp…"

"The two parts that I could not manage to capture on that day seven years ago…" Orochimaru's eyes shone with greedy anticipation. "I didn't expect they would be hidden within you!"

"Right," Kyuubi snorted. "A prophetic Princess and the Hero of Time. I have no clue how they could've ended up with pieces of the Triforce. It seems _so_ unlikely."

"Shut up," Orochimaru snarled. "Now, finally, all the Triforce pieces have been gathered here!" He whirled around dramatically, flaring out his cape and holding up his fist, showing his own Triforce mark. "These toys are too much for you! …Especially you, Princess," he sniggered. "You don't like toys, do you…?"

Sasuke's eyes widened. "What the…saying stuff like that to me is treason, damn it!"

"Not when I'm king," he leered.

"It's still illegal," Sasuke protested, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Someone do something about him before I have to kill myself!"

Naruto's face was scrunched up in horror. "Ew…" he whined. "I didn't need to hear that…"

"I demand you return the Triforce pieces to me!" Orochimaru roared, sending waves of darkness at Naruto. The blonde struggled to keep his footing, and Kyuubi strained against it, if only to get a few words in.

"I can't get close enough to help, you, twerp!" he grunted, flapping his wings frantically. "You're on your own for this battle…!"

"Kyuubi!" Naruto gasped, holding up his arm to try to brace himself further. "I can't do this without you! HOW CAN I DEFEAT HIM WITHOUT THE Z-TARGETING SYSTEM?"

"Find a way," Kyuubi ground out, before he was sent sprawling away…somewhere. The darkness faded, and Orochimaru flipped his cape back, hovering up in the air towards the middle of the room. Sasuke, in his crystal, also hovered above him.

"Hey!" Sasuke yelled, stumbling. "What's the point of moving me?"

Orochimaru sniggered. "The same reason for always having you float _above_ me, Sasuke…for the view," a sly grin was on his face as he raised his eyebrows suggestively. Sasuke froze for a moment before clutching defensively at his skirt.

"Damn it, I hate this thing," he muttered venomously. "You're SICK, you evil pervert!"

"Ah, ah…remember, Sasuke, you originally came to me for power," Orochimaru reminded him smugly.

"And right now I'd rather give Itachi a huge hug and a present than spend another minute with you," Sasuke grimaced, looking vengeful. Orochimaru merely snickered darkly, sending a blast of power at the floor, collapsing a good portion of it. Naruto, who had luckily already retreated into a corner, felt his jaw drop.

"He can do that?" he squeaked. "And I'm supposed to kill him?"

"Damn…" Kyuubi, now off to the side of the screen near the audience, let out a low whistle. "I don't think the twerp has had to deal with anything like this before…" Transfixed, he lifted a handful of popcorn to his mouth, sipping his soda at the same time.

Orochimaru lifted a hand, and a bright ball of light crackling with energy formed in his hand. With a short yell, he pelted it at Naruto, striking him in the chest and making him fall backwards, reeling. The Evil King laughed maniacally.

Naruto hissed through his teeth as he sat up, hand gingerly grasping where he had been struck. "Okay…" he said, voice hoarse. "That hurt."

"And you'll only hurt yourself more the longer you fight," Orochimaru hissed with a smirk. "You should just give up now."

"That would be stupid," Naruto laughed faintly. "If I stopped fighting, you'd just kill me."

"Damn," Orochimaru cursed. "Here I was hoping that you _were_ that stupid. All the evidence indicated that you were."

Naruto got back on his feet, pausing. "…Hey!" he exclaimed, insulted. Kyuubi smacked his forehead.

"Note to self; teach the twerp not to prove the villain right…" he muttered.

"Listen up!" Naruto growled. "I'm only going to say this once…"

Kyuubi snorted sceptically.

"I am Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto yelled. "I'm going to be Hokage one day…but for now, I'm the Hero of Time! The only person that can beat you…and the person that will beat you!"

Orochimaru arched an eyebrow. "Oh? The only person that can beat me?" he sneered. "Then it looks like I will have to kill you, then."

Naruto paled slightly, but held his ground. He drew his Biggoron sword, holding it out readily. Orochimaru stared at the sword for a moment.

"Quite an impressive sword," he commented. "Compensating for something?"

"What?" Naruto shrieked, too startled to react to Orochimaru's attack. It struck him painfully, jolting his entire body with pain. He inhaled sharply, gripping his head and trying to recover.

"Quit being so easily distracted, you idiot!" Kyuubi yelled. Naruto turned his head towards him in bewilderment, just in time to be struck by yet another attack. Kyuubi groaned and slunk down in his seat.

Naruto stood up again, panting. His limbs ached, and he felt short of breath. In the top left corner of the screen, his hearts had been considerably depleted. "I'm not going to make it at this rate," he realized. He redrew his Biggoron sword, staring at Orochimaru determinedly.

"Alright, it's three-love so far," Kyuubi said in a subdued commentator's voice. "And here's the next serve…"

Orochimaru volleyed up the glowing ball of energy, before sending it at Naruto. For once reacting quickly, Naruto slashed his sword, sending it back at Orochimaru. The Evil King looked startled, obviously not expecting him to return it, and quickly backhanded the orb away again.

"Excellently played, excellent," Kyuubi commented, murmurs of assent coming from the audience. "That will be tricky to return…"

Naruto sent it back, gaining confidence. There was muted excitement from the audience, and Kyuubi commented, "Very well played, very good…and it's a hit! Three-one! Isn't this thrilling?"

Naruto knocked a Light arrow, aiming it the best he could at Orochimaru, who was temporarily suspended in midair. The arrow shot into his knee, and Orochimaru doubled over, clutching his knee and howling in pain. He fell onto the platform beneath him, yanking it out painfully.

Naruto ran forward, sword drawn, equipping his Hover boots as he ran, the golden glow suspending him as he ran across the collapsed floor. Sparks flew up as the sword scratched against the floor, slashing Orochimaru across the chest. Naruto swung blindly, hitting him a few times before Orochimaru managed to recover. He rose up in the air again, beginning to gather energy in his palm.

The blonde retreated back to his corner, spinning around to face his enemy. Orochimaru pelted another ball of energy at him, putting as much force into it as he possibly could, furious. Naruto swung it back at him, breathing becoming heavier; that one hard been hard to send back. It struck Orochimaru immediately, and he hung uselessly in the air.

Automatically, it seemed, Naruto drew a Light arrow and fired. The arrow struck the pink crystal floating above Orochimaru. "Hey!" Sasuke shouted, moving away from the sides of the crystal. "Watch where you're aiming that, dead last!"

"Sorry," Naruto called sheepishly, firing another arrow, but it was too late. Orochimaru had recovered, and he rose back up into the air. He pelted another energy ball, sighing.

"This is getting really old, really fast," he muttered.

"Then stop attacking me!" Naruto yelled, blade swishing through the air. The tip of the sword skimmed it, barely enough to send it back. Naruto's eyes widened slightly. "My timing is getting worse…"

Orochimaru was struck by his own attack once again, and he fell back limply, coughing horribly. Naruto drew his bowstring back, squinting as he took careful aim.

The Light arrow bounced on the floor, ricocheting off the walls before striking Orochimaru in the back. Naruto blinked, but seized the opportunity, running forward with his Hover boots.

"Lucky shot," Orochimaru wheezed, lifting himself back into the air, his cape tattered and bloodstained from the wounds Naruto inflicted.

"Luck is all I have," Naruto answered grimly, running back to the corner. Then, he smiled slightly. "Hey, what a cool, dramatic line…hold on, I ruined it," he frowned.

"Luck won't help you much longer," he sneered, lifting both hands in the air. The energy seemed to collapse in on itself, and a huge orb of dark energy began to form. Naruto backed further into his corner, looking alarmed.

"Fighting you was mildly entertaining, _hero_," Orochimaru's eyes were wide, with an insane gleam and a wide, wrathful grin on his face. "It's a shame it had to end so soon."

Kyuubi sat up in his chair, mouth agape. A few popcorn kernels fell out of his open jaw. "No way…" he shook his head in complete disbelief. "There's no way in the world he could be that powerful…"

"Goodbye, Hero of Time!" Orochimaru cried, launching the attack. Naruto gasped, and darkness assaulted his vision, stealing the life right out of him. The screen slowly regained it's colour and normal brightness. The air was eerily calm. Orochimaru stood, panting slightly, on the platform, laughing crazily. Sasuke, from above, stared down at the sight beneath him, frozen.

Kyuubi bolted out of his chair. "NARUTO!"

The blonde lay very still, propped up against the wall and looking like a rag doll that had been carelessly tossed aside. The light flickered out in his eyes, the blank, frozen blue staring up at Kyuubi. The kitsune rifled through his kunai pouch, searching for a bottled fairy.

"You idiot, Ganondorf," he sneered. "This fight isn't over yet. He's the Hero of Time. He wouldn't die so easily."

Orochimaru just continued to laugh insanely, a fierce look of triumph on his face. Sasuke continued to stare, stricken.

"The dead last isn't dead," he said slowly. "He wouldn't let himself die. He's too…stupid…" to his horror, Sasuke began choking up. Kyuubi snickered at him.

"Quit freaking out, Princess," he laughed hollowly. "He isn't dead. He can't be." Suddenly, he became angry. "I wouldn't let him die, damn it!" He slapped Naruto soundly across the face. "Get _up_, you idiot! You're starting to freak me out!"

Naruto said nothing. His face seemed to be stuck in that perpetual fearful expression, mouth hanging open slightly, eyes wide and terrified. Kyuubi went through the kunai pouch with even more fervour, tossing items he deemed useless aside.

"Bottles…where the hell are the bottles…" he muttered, body almost entirely inside the pouch. Three feminine wails were heard from up above.

"Oh, Kyuu…" Din sobbed.

"Hyrule is doomed," Farore said, completely and utterly stunned. "Without him…our beautiful land doesn't have a chance…"

Nayru was too upset to speak; she merely sobbed breathily, her weeping punctuating by hiccups. Rain began to fall, splattering the few intact windows and falling through the shattered ones onto the floor. Kyuubi paled, his bright glow fading to a dull orange-red.

"No," he said strongly. "Just give me a moment, I'll find one of those damn common fairies and he'll keep fighting."

"Kyuubi," Orochimaru chuckled, finally regaining composure. "You can't honestly tell me you still believe that he's alive. Accept it. Your pathetic little hero is dead, and I killed him." His expression became maniacal once again. "Come, Kyuubi…you're evil, just as I am. There's no point in grieving. You could join me…I could rule the world, and you could destroy what you see fit…"

"He's not dead!" Kyuubi shouted, livid. "Damn it, he wouldn't be killed! NOT BY YOU!"

Orochimaru began to laugh again. Kyuubi spun back around, shaking him by the collar. "Twerp…Naruto…you didn't stock up," he said, tears in his eyes. "You forgot to get some more common fairies. You forgot, you idiot."

Sasuke in his crystal, was quiet. "I'm going to be stuck in this dress forever," he whispered to himself, almost as if he was trying to sound selfish. "I'm going to be stuck with Ganondorf forever, in this parody forever…" He fell silent again. "…I'm never going to see my best friend again. Ever."

"Twerp…" a tear slid down Kyuubi's cheek. "You can't be dead, Naruto…"

'… "_Nah," Kyuubi snorted. "If that happened, that would be one hell of a short adventure, which wouldn't make the fans happy. If you need to find comfort in anything, find comfort in this; everything is for the fans."_

_"Right," Naruto repeated, "all for the fans. Got it, dattebayo." …'_

Naruto's hand twitched.

'… '_Kyuubi just stared. "Do you enjoy making life harder for the both of us? Is that it?"_

_Naruto looked sheepish. "Uh, it's all for the fans?" …'_

Naruto's eyes flickered closed.

_'… "It's all for the fans," Naruto nodded, remembering what Kyuubi once told him. Gaara disappeared.' …'_

Naruto let out a low groan, sitting up with some difficulty. Kyuubi gaped at him in shock. Rubbing his head, Naruto grinned mischievously.

"Hi!" he greeted. Kyuubi hit him across the head, and the blonde grimaced in pain.

"DAMN it, twerp!" he said, a small smile betraying his angry tone. "You actually had me worried there, you Din, Nayru, and Farore-damned idiot!"

"Yeah, sorry," Naruto laughed, the sound reaching out and striking the shocked Orochimaru. Sasuke, up above, rolled his eyes.

"Figures," he sighed, smirking. "The dead last never dies."

"B-But…you…" Orochimaru pointed, almost accusingly, at Naruto. The blonde stood up, smirking. "YOU WERE DEAD!" he declared. "I killed you myself! I _saw_ you die! You can't…you…"

"You forgot one thing, Orochimaru," Naruto grinned, getting a Light arrow ready and pointing it carelessly at Orochimaru, not bothering to aim.

"It's all for the fans."

Orochimaru screeched in pain when the arrow struck, ripping right through his chest and piercing his heart. He clutched at the wound, which was bleeding profusely, dropping to his knees. He reached a shaking hand up to his throat, trying to stabilize his breathing to no avail.

"The Great Evil King Ganondorf…" he said, voice barely rising above a breathless whisper. "…Beaten by this kid…" he bent over, coughing up dark blood and spitting it out across the floor. "…Naruto!" He began to hiss angrily, throwing up his arms and letting out one last burst of power, bringing the walls crumbling down. Conveniently, the rubble seemed to fall perfectly into the gaps in the floor.

"Take cover!" Kyuubi yelled, and Naruto threw his arms up over his head, ducking. The walls crumbled and crashed, and there was a bright flash that engulfed the entire screen.

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Naruto raised his head instinctively when he felt small knuckles rap against the top of his head. His eyes raised to a widely grinning Kyuubi hovering in front of him.

"We did it," he said simply. "He's dead. You won."

The pink crystal, still suspended in the air, began to lower slowly to the ground, the wire holding it up visible. The walls faded away around Sasuke, freeing him. The irritated Uchiha straightened his skirt fussily.

"Hey! Sasuke!" Naruto greeted. "You got out of the crystal!"

Sasuke began walking towards him, pausing only to kick Orochimaru's side. Hard. "Ganondorf…perverted bastard," he spat on his lifeless body. Then, to Naruto, he said, "It took you long enough."

"Hey!" Naruto protested. "It wasn't my fault! First he was trying to distract me, and then I died, and then the castle collapsed! That wasn't my fault, right, Kyuubi?"

Kyuubi snorted. "Don't look at me, twerp, I'm still pissed off at you."

Suddenly the ground began to quake. Naruto and Sasuke stumbled, Kyuubi looking mildly alarmed.

"That bastard's trying to crush us!" Sasuke hollered. "He's trying to take us down even after he's dead! Come on, dead last, follow me – I know how to escape!"

Naruto, under other circumstances, likely would've started an argument, but for once kept silent. The two of them, with Kyuubi trailing behind, began running down a thin, broken path down the tower. The blonde stumbled over some rubble, nearly falling down a hole in the floor, but Kyuubi seized the back of his hat, yanking him back up.

"Thanks," he said quickly, before running after Sasuke again. The Uchiha stood in front of a barred door, glaring at it. The bars retreated upwards. Hey, not even inanimate objects want to deal with a pissed off Uchiha in a dress.

"Hurry up, moron! Try to keep up," Sasuke called back to him with a smirk. Naruto frowned angrily.

"Shut up, you bastard!" he shouted, secretly glad for the distraction. The rubble tumbling down from the ceiling was starting to make him nervous.

"Make me," Sasuke retorted, stopping in front of another barred door. The bars rose instantly.

"Twerps! Less arguing, more running!" Kyuubi ordered. Sasuke snorted.

"You can't tell me what to do," he said derisively.

"No, but I think it would be in your best interest," Kyuubi retorted, a mocking tone in his voice. Sasuke, not having anything to say to that, kept running, quickening his pace with an annoyed, yet smug, look at the kitsune.

"Hold on!" Naruto yelled. "Slow down, bastard! I can't -" He was cut off when a burning chunk of rubble struck him, making him drop to the floor. He vaguely heard Kyuubi swear loudly.

"Ow…damn it…" he struggled to keep his eyes open. "I'm not…going to let myself…die _again_…"

"_Naruto!_"

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The battle in this chapter was kind of boring, but I managed to drag it out, at least…and, while this was mostly an action/drama chapter, I tried to get at least a couple of jokes in there. Sorry if it wasn't that funny or good of a chapter…

I'm going to be busy for the next couple of days, so until then, I leave you all with this cliffhanger! Review, please! Only two chapters left, everyone!


	41. How Many Final Boss Battles Are There?

Being SO close to the end – (stops and sobs for a moment before recovering) – we have someone special to the disclaimer for this chapter…the future Hokage and Hero of Time, Naruto Uzumaki!

Naruto: Miss author doesn't own me, or any of the characters in my show! She doesn't own Nintendo, either, dattebayo!

Kyuubi: (Interjecting) And it's a damn good thing, because if she did she probably WOULD make this parody.

That's right, I would! Thank you, Naruto…and Kyuubi, even though I didn't ask you to do anything…and! The most important news of all – **_my 700th review!_** That's right, everyone, you helped me achieve my goal for the end of the story! Thank you all so much, and thanks to **fruitsryum**, who gave me the 700th review!

And before the chapter starts, a **warning!** This chapter contains a character death! …No, a real one this time! So expect another drama-heavy chapter…

Final boss fight, take two! Roll it!

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Naruto felt as if thunderclouds were playing tennis with spike balls in his brain. And not the nice spike balls with round blunted spikes – no, these were the spike balls that were sharp enough to make you bleed, but blunt enough to be pounded around for a while before it actually draws blood. He groaned, clutching his head.

"Hey, he's coming to," someone commented. The speaker sounded exasperated, as if something had been annoying him. Someone poked his side gingerly.

"Twerp? Time to wake up," another voice coaxed. "We have ramen…"

"Huh?" Naruto sat bolt upright and regretted it instantly. He promptly lay back down, rubbing his eyes. "Where are we?"

"We're on a perfectly flat platform surrounded by lava with some conveniently placed rubble," Sasuke said through gritted teeth. Obviously, this had been what was irritating him. "The castle, by some amazing coincidence, managed to collapse on itself and form a perfect place to have a battle."

"He's been bitching about this for the past half hour," Kyuubi confided. Naruto blinked.

"Half an hour? How long…?"

"You were knocked out when the castle was coming down," Kyuubi informed him. "That was about an hour ago."

Naruto cocked his head in confusion. "An hour ago? Why are we still here then?"

Kyuubi raised one eyebrow. "If you have a suggestion to get across the lava, please, don't hold out on us," he said, indicating the bubbling lava surrounding the platform. There was no way to get across; the jump was too far, and not even the Hover boots would be able to hold him up that long. An interesting thought occurred to Naruto, however.

"Kyuubi, you can fly," he frowned. "Why are you still here if you could just fly away?"

The kitsune was taken aback. "What kind of demon do you think I am?" he snapped. "I'm evil, yeah – immoral, most definitely, but do you really take me for that kind of fairy? By the Goddesses, twerp, we're practically a team! We've been through this since the very beginning – I would know, because I've had to suffer all the way through it. We're finishing this together, moron."

Naruto looked touched. He grabbed the fairy into a large hug, squeezing him tightly. "That's so nice, Kyuubi," he sniffled. Kyuubi struggled against his vice-like grip.

"Hey, hey, hey!" he got free and hit him on the nose sternly. "No hugging. I still don't like you, twerp."

Naruto smiled. "Okay, dattebayo!"

Ignoring this exchange, Sasuke perused the remnants of the castle, lifting up his skirt slightly as not to trip over the hem. He kicked a stone out of his way, grimacing. "I can't find anything," he told the blonde. "It looks like it might actually be…_finally_ be over."

"That reminds me," Kyuubi sighed. "Sorry I didn't help you in the battle before, twerp."

Naruto shrugged. "That's okay. I managed to do fine on my own."

Both Kyuubi and Sasuke gave him a flat look. Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Well, alright, I _technically_ died, but I'm okay now, right? Everything is fine now!"

As if on cue – which, incidentally, it was – a loud boom echoed across the flat surface of the castle ruins, sending a tremor throughout the ground. Sasuke had seemed to be steeling himself for it, and managed to steady himself quickly, but Naruto was knocked back on his feet.

"Ow," he complained. "What was that?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Hey, dead last. We're over here, too. We don't know any more than you do."

Kyuubi cleared his throat, and Sasuke rephrased. "I meant, we don't know any more about _what that was_ than you do."

Not catching the implication, Naruto stood up, looking around inquisitively. "Someone should go check what that was."

Sasuke and Kyuubi gave him another flat look. Naruto looked startled. "Me?" he squeaked, pointing at himself.

"I'm in a dress," Sasuke said, by way of excuse. Not being able to argue that, Naruto turned to Kyuubi.

"I'm just a fairy with no body mass," Kyuubi shrugged, "and my spork went missing a while ago. I have no idea when or where it is, but it's convenient at the moment. This might also be a good time to tell you that you've lost your Biggoron sword."

"What?" Naruto shrieked. "M-M-My Biggoron? Is GONE?"

"Yup," Kyuubi replied plaintively. "Lost it in the wreckage. We had to decide whether to carry you or the sword out safely."

"And the sword was too heavy for the fairy," Sasuke added, sounding disinterested.

Naruto gulped, drawing the Master Sword from it's sheath. He blew the thick coating of dust from the practically unused blade. "I guess I could use it," he said uncertainly, looking edgy as he stepped out.

"Relax, twerp, I'll be right behind you," Kyuubi made a half-hearted attempt at comforting him.

"What if it's a ReDead?" Naruto whispered skittishly. Then he gasped. "WHAT IF OROCHIMARU CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD AS A REDEAD?"

"Shut up, dead last, and just go look!" Sasuke called, aggravated. Naruto took a deep breath, stepping closer to the pile of rocks and other unidentifiable debris. He poked it cautiously with the tip of his sword. It had barely touched the pile when he drew back with a relieved sigh.

"Nothing there! It was just our imaginations!" Naruto laughed nervously. Kyuubi rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to comment when something burst out from beneath the pile. Orochimaru's pale face peered through his dark, limp hair, and his breaths were short and ragged.

Naruto gasped, paling rapidly. Kyuubi's expression darkened dangerously, and Sasuke, from the edge of the platform, commented loudly, "Thank the Goddesses I didn't go over there."

Orochimaru croaked slightly, unable to speak through his harsh wheezing, but merely lifted his fist, showing Naruto the back with a darkly triumphant look on his face. The Triforce of Power glowed brightly, emitting a pale, ethereal light, casting most of his face in shadow. He drew himself inwards, before expanding into a huge, ugly creature.

Naruto's mouth fell further open, and he made a strange noise a bit like a dog makes if someone steps on it's tail. Kyuubi looked considering. "So _that's_ where our budget went…"

Orochimaru had transformed himself into a mutilated cross between a pig monster and a serpent. Thick fangs poked out over his protruding jaw, thick, oozing saliva dribbling down his chin. His large, pig-like snout flared, slanted yellow eyes dilating rapidly. His reptilian-scaled body was enormous, each large hand holding a long tarnished blade, easily twice as tall as Naruto. His serpentine tail thrashed from side to side, sending wreckage flying away into the lava, melting unpleasantly. The creature bore only a fleeting resemblance to Orochimaru, with it's unrealistically pale face and malicious smirk.

The text at the bottom of the screen simply read 'Ganon'. Orochimaru grinned, letting out an inhuman noise and striking at Naruto, who instinctively raised his sword, forgetting his shield. The Master Sword was sent flying out of his hands, whirling away into the sky. Sasuke watched it in alarm.

"That wasn't supposed to happen!" he yelled, looking around wildly. "It was supposed to land here! Director! Someone cut the camera!"

But there was no reaction. Naruto scrambled backwards, barely getting away from Orochimaru as he scrambled backwards. One of the thick blades landed right between his legs, and Naruto stared at it with wide, fearful eyes.

"I don't know if it's much of a consolation," Kyuubi hollered, "but I'm fighting with you this time!"

Naruto smiled gratefully. "I knew I could count on you, Kyuubi!" he drew a Light arrow from his quiver. "Do you have any idea what to do?"

"His tail is his weak point, but it's going to be tougher than hell getting to it," Kyuubi said grimly. Naruto ducked behind a pillar, peeking his head out cautiously. The monstrous Orochimaru looked around blindly for him, stomping rubble into the ground.

"Is there some way to get around him, or stun him, or something?" Naruto asked desperately, flinching when Orochimaru toppled a broken pillar, sending pieces flying every which way. "And what do I hit him with? I don't have my Biggoron sword, or even the Master Sword anymore."

"You have the Megaton Hammer, but that might not be quick enough to wield," Kyuubi bit his lip. "Your only option would be to stun him first, then roll between his legs. That should give you enough time to smash the end of his tail and maybe get a head start before he tries to kill you again."

Naruto blanched. "Between his legs?"

"Trust me, if I could've thought of an alternative, I would have," Kyuubi growled in disgust. "This is your best chance for survival."

"Survival?" Naruto repeated. "I was kind of hoping for a strategy that could help me kill him without getting hurt."

Kyuubi stared for a moment before giving a short, hollow laugh. "Twerp, I don't think I've established this. That isn't going to happen. You are facing the most powerful guy you've ever fought, _for the second time_. He's made himself bigger, and a hell of a lot stronger. He could crush someone as powerful as he used to be in this form, and he managed to _kill_ you last time. You don't stand a chance."

Naruto looked stunned. "…Then why am I fighting?" he managed to say weakly.

"Because even if you won't be able to kill him, you're going to give him hell trying," Kyuubi hissed, glaring daggers at Orochimaru. "Someone else will have to take over once you've done what you can. The Princess is already standing by to attack him with some kind of Sage-power once he's weak enough."

Naruto shot a glance at Sasuke, on the other side of the flaming wall. He was flipping through 'The Ultimate Princesses' Guide to Being Helpless' fervently, as if looking for something.

"…Damn it, where…here it is, chapter six; what to do in the event that the magic sword you're supposed to have has either gone missing or been taken away…not quite the situation, but it'll do," Sasuke muttered, reading aloud. "…'Contact the director immediately'…damn it, I tried that! Stupid book…" he continued to read. "'If the director can not be contacted, then simply scream and gasp in horror while you watch the hero fight.' You've got to be kidding," he groused, narrowing his eyes at the book.

"What is he doing?" Naruto demanded, still hiding behind the pillar. "He's just standing there helplessly!"

"Technically, it is his job," Kyuubi shrugged. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"According to you, I'm going to die in this battle," he ground out, "and it's okay if Sasuke doesn't help because that's his job?"

"Twerp, I don't make the rules!" Kyuubi said exasperatedly. "Besides, there's always a chance you won't die! Maybe, by some kind of miracle, someone will intervene! But in the meantime, we can't take that chance! Now go out there and start fighting before he finds you first!"

Naruto opened his mouth to respond at the very instant a huge blade skimmed right over the top of his head, smashing his hiding place into pieces.

Kyuubi swore vehemently. "Damn it, does _everything_ have to be cued?"

Orochimaru roared loudly, almost laughing as he brought the blade down again. Naruto took out his bow, aiming it up at him, but it was too late. Orochimaru knocked him backwards, sending him flying. There was a high-pitched, automatic scream from Sasuke, who promptly clapped his hands over his mouth.

"…Ugh," he said in complete disgust, staring at his hands and looking as if he wanted to kill something.

"Twerp!" Kyuubi zoomed over to where his charge lay. Orochimaru began stamping over to him, hissing and snorting loudly, brandishing his blades. Naruto bounced back up onto his feet quickly.

"I'm okay," he assured Kyuubi. "Can you Z-Target him or something?"

Kyuubi nodded brusquely and flew over to Orochimaru, whizzing around his face. He gave Naruto a pointed look and the blonde knocked a Light arrow, keeping it trained on Orochimaru's face as he approached.

"Take this!" Naruto yelled angrily, sending the arrow flying at him. The arrow pierced his armoured face, making him shriek in pain. Naruto rolled through his legs, drawing his Megaton Hammer for the first time in a little over fifteen chapters. He drew it back with a strained yell, bringing it crashing down on the end of Orochimaru's tail. The monster cried out in pain and anger again, recovering and whirling around, knocking him backwards again, winding him as he struck his arm into Naruto's stomach.

Lightning struck the horizon, thunder cracking an instant later as the momentary flash lit up Orochimaru's smirking face. Darkness fell over the battlefield once again, giving Naruto the cover he needed as he ducked behind ruins, unseen. He breathed heavily, taking out his bow again and readying a Light arrow. Kyuubi followed, staying close to the ground and hiding his glow.

"Alright, that was one good attack," he said sharply. "Were you planning on doing that again or just hiding behind something at every opportunity?"

"Uh…both?" Naruto tried. Kyuubi shook his head sternly.

"Get back out there," he commanded. Naruto grew slightly angry.

"For someone who was supposedly so upset when I died, it seems like you're trying to push me back out there to die," he snapped. Kyuubi hit him lightly.

"Idiot," he said gruffly. "I'm pushing you back out there because you have to fight. If you keep hiding, you're signing your death warrant. If you fight him, there's always that chance…" he smirked slightly. "You are a hero, after all. You've proved me wrong before. Besides, if we're just stuck here, I'll never get my nine-million dollar contract."

Naruto exhaled, closing his eyes. "Thanks, Kyuubi."

Orochimaru roared again, the volume making it clear to Naruto that he was very close. He spun out from behind the debris, firing the Light arrow when he whirled around to face his enemy. Kyuubi had flown over at top speed already, and paused only for an instant in front of his face, sneering, before flying back to Naruto. The Light arrow hit him right under his eye, making him howl and thrash about.

The Megaton Hammer crashed into the end of his tail, flattening it against the ground and sending droplets of blood splattering everywhere. Before Naruto could even blink, he was airborne again, with only a sharp ache to indicate he was even hit. The top of his head cracked painfully against the hard ground, making his inhaled sharply in pain. He was sent sprawling, practically flipping over backwards and skidding. The tips of his boots skimmed the fire wall, making him yelp and curl into himself.

"That…really hurt," he groaned. Sasuke, who was just on the other side of the wall, rolled his eyes.

"Get up, dead last!" he urged, irritated. "And don't get hurt again! Every time you do, I scream like a girl, and it's pissing me off!"

Naruto gave Sasuke a look, struggling not to laugh. "You scream like a girl?" he snickered.

"Not the time, twerp!" Kyuubi flew forwards, grabbing his hat and yanking him up and he flew right around him. "You really got him good with that last hit. If you keep that kind of thing up, you might actually _win_."

Naruto cracked a smile. "I think I'll try to do that," he said, his voice almost sarcastic. Kyuubi faltered, falling behind as Naruto kept running. He mock-sniffled.

"I've taught him so well," he said to himself, before zipping by his charge, flying in Orochimaru's face. Finally realizing that Kyuubi was potentially a threat, he lifted a hand, batting at the fairy as though he were a pesky fly.

Kyuubi weaved around his hand, looking edgy. "Twerp, anytime now," he shouted.

Naruto fired an arrow, never faltering as he ran. Orochimaru roared, swinging his swords wildly as he thrashed about, trying to clear his vision. Naruto ducked under his legs, Megaton Hammer at the ready, before he pounded the tip of his tail into the dirt. Orochimaru weakened visibly, and he took a while longer to recover, giving the blonde time to get a safe distance away.

"Get another arrow ready, twerp," Kyuubi told him. "I think we're getting close to weakening him enough to let the Sages do their job."

Naruto looked surprised. "The Sages actually help?"

Kyuubi gave a brief look. "What did you think we were doing all those Temples for? To rescue some Sages who ultimately wouldn't be the least bit of help?"

"Well, yeah," he confessed. "I kind of figured they were important, but I never thought it would matter."

Kyuubi gave him a look of disbelief. "And you thought I'd let you waste o_ur_ time like that?"

Naruto stopped, looking thoughtful. "Oh, yeah…guess I should've thought of that…"

Kyuubi rolled his eyes and pulled him backwards. Orochimaru's swords whizzed by, grazing his stomach lightly and ripping his shirt. "Pay attention, will you?" he snapped.

"Right," Naruto nodded once, eyes very wide. Orochimaru snarled, attempting to bring the sword down on the blonde's head again. Naruto ducked, his hat flying upwards at the speed, being nicked by the double blades.

"Hey!" Naruto frowned indignantly, toying with the now-frayed end of the hat. He yelped and did an odd kind of pirouette to avoid the swords being swung at him, making Orochimaru bellow angrily.

"ACK!" Naruto sputtered, firing a Light arrow randomly. Orochimaru knocked it away, sending it spiralling away before it embedded itself in the ground firmly. Kyuubi smacked his forehead.

"Twerp, I don't know if you've forgotten, but your aim sucks," he said helpfully. "Wait until I'm actually near his face before you try that again, okay?"

"I know!" Naruto said loudly. "This isn't easy for me, you know! Stay around him more!"

"Brilliant idea, but there's one problem; he's out to get me now, too!" Kyuubi snapped. "I'm going now, so get ready, because I don't think I can hover for long…"

Naruto gave an abrupt nod to show he understood, knocking an arrow and holding it at the ready. Kyuubi gave him a half-smile before heading for Orochimaru, who by now fully realized what this meant. He spun around, sending a sword right into Kyuubi with shocking aim. The fairy, luckily, was too small for the blade to cut him at all, but he was sent right across the field, gasping and wheezing.

Already having an arrow ready, Naruto closed his eyes, uttered a quick appeal to the Goddesses, and fired. He opened one eye, watching it speed towards his enemy. Orochimaru cried out, this time falling limply, gasping raggedly. The wall of flame faded away.

"Dead last!" Sasuke hollered. Naruto ran over to him, casting almost quizzical and hopeful looks back at Orochimaru. Sasuke held out a glowing orb that was breathing heavily and swearing profusely.

"Caught him just as the fire wall went down," Sasuke said grimly. "There's bad news, dead last. You need to finish Ganon off with the Master Sword."

"Well, then -" Naruto began, but Sasuke interrupted.

"I don't have it," he snarled. "Ganon knocked it too far away. I don't know where it is, and I couldn't get the director."

Naruto gaped wordlessly. Kyuubi, on the other hand, was a little more outspoken.

"ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" the kitsune grabbed Sasuke's collar, shaking him. "You're kidding…you aren't serious. If this is a joke, I _will_ kill you."

"It's not a joke!" Sasuke spat, knocking Kyuubi away. "I don't know where it landed, and even then, there's no way for it to get here."

Naruto continued to stare at Sasuke, jaw hanging open in terror and disbelief. Kyuubi gripped his head, pacing…well, sort of. Flying around in little circles was a more appropriate description, but what were words at a time like this?

"This isn't right," Kyuubi babbled. "The chapter should've been stopped right away. Something's gone really, really wrong here…for all we know, we're supposed to be back at…wherever we're supposed to be right now! Was there even a second boss battle in the game?"

"Yes," Sasuke interjected. "That was the game makers. I'm supposed to have the Master Sword right now, though."

Kyuubi stopped flapping his fragile wings, falling to the ground. "Goddesses, we're going to die," he said in weak realization. "You can't…_we_ can't win, can we, twerp?"

Naruto's face was completely ashen. "I…" he began, voice breaking. "Kyuubi, Sasuke…go. Find a way off this thing. I'll do this, dattebayo."

"Moron!" "Idiot!" Two fists slugged him right across the face. Sasuke cracked his knuckles threateningly, while Kyuubi blew on his fist.

"Say something that stupid again, and I'll kill you myself," Sasuke threatened.

"We'll find a way to do this, twerp," Kyuubi said determinedly. "Let's get back over there before Ganon gets his strength back."

Naruto nodded, still stricken, but rubbing the two marks on his face. He spun on his heel, running back towards Orochimaru with his Megaton Hammer out, ready to take full advantage of his weakened state. However, it was too late; Orochimaru climbed back to his feet, tail weaving from side to side dangerously, lashing against what little rubble remained. The battlefield was almost completely flattened, debris strewn and pounded into the ground.

Orochimaru gave Naruto a look oozing with hatred, before drawing his arm back, preparing to ram the blonde through with his sword. Naruto closed his eyes, jumping to the side and hoping.

The sickening noise of the sword sliding through a human body was heard, blood spraying everywhere, bubbling and gushing from the wound. With an expression of complete shock, the postman let the Master Sword fall from his trembling hands. Naruto and Kyuubi stared at him, slack jawed.

Having slain the wrong person, Orochimaru roared in anger, wrenching the sword out of the postman's stomach. Naruto looked up at him in alarm, dragging the postman after him as he his behind one of the remaining towers, blood streaking the ground. Kyuubi stared wordlessly at the postman, giving him a lifeless grin.

"Well, well," the kitsune said flatly. "Looks as if I win by default, then, huh, mail-stacker?"

The postman glared at him, a bubble of blood bursting from the corner of his mouth and dribbling down his jaw. "P-priority mail," he said, shaking. "L-looks like I m-managed t-to deliver s-something on t-time, yah…So s-stop looking at m-me so smug…d-damn k-kitsune…" he began coughing uncontrollably, expression pained.

"What was that?" Kyuubi snarled, voice still hollow. "Damn it, you Din-damned stamp-licker! You think this means you win? DO YOU?"

The postman only snickered before falling limp in Naruto's arms, breath shuddering before thinning, making his heart stop beating completely. The last of his breath died away, his face pale and lifeless, eyes closed in that final expression of loathing. Kyuubi kicked at his corpse furiously, glowing brightly and staring at him hatefully.

"You _bastard_," he said viciously, voice heavy with bitter resentment. "You Din-damned bastard! You can't die after that! You haven't won this, you got that, you mail-stacking, postage-loving, stamp-licking bastard? You weren't supposed to die until I had won so I could kill you myself, damn it! I had plans, you asshole!" He pounded his fists against the postman's chest. "You bastard, how could you die like that?"

"Kyuubi," Naruto said softly, gently tugging the fairy's wings, prying him away from the corpse. "Kyuubi, come on…he delivered the Master Sword, Kyuubi. We can kill Orochimaru now, for good…"

Kyuubi looked up at his charge, expression completely empty. "Let's do it," he said, narrowing his eyes bitterly. Naruto smiled lightly, wiping his eyes on his sleeve before drawing the blade, walking out from behind the pillar. Orochimaru had his back to him as he sniffed around, obviously searching for him, his scent masked by that of the blood. Suddenly he raised his head, looking over his shoulder. Orochimaru grinned evilly and turned his entire body around, holding out his swords.

Kyuubi's eyes lingered on the blade stained and soaked with dripping blood. "I'll distract him," he said tonelessly. "Get your bow ready, Naruto."

Naruto nodded his assent, too nervous to register the use of his name. Kyuubi sped forward. "This is for all the shit you've caused," Kyuubi hissed venomously. "For all those damn Temples…for cursing the Deku Tree in the first place…" he flew even faster, wind whistling past his ears. "And especially for all the deaths you've caused, you BASTARD!"

Kyuubi veered to the side, surprising Orochimaru, just in time for the monster to register a Light Arrow flying right for his face. His eyes widened in shock, not having time to move away in the spilt second he had to register the weapon. He collapsed with a loud, pained groan. Naruto began to run forward, but stopped suddenly in surprise when a beam of light struck Orochimaru from the side.

"Naruto!" Sasuke yelled, voice strained as he held out his hands, sending the ray of power towards Orochimaru. "I'm using my power to hold him still! Kill him, now!"

The blonde nodded, head spinning. Sasuke retracted the power, falling to his knees and breathing heavily, glaring at the fallen Orochimaru. Naruto drew his sword back, closing his eyes, before driving the blade forward with as much force as he could muster.

The Master Sword was driven right through his jaw, moving up and right through his skull. For a moment, all was still, all was silent. Then, Orochimaru drew himself up, shrieking horribly. Naruto had kept his grip on the sword's hilt firm, and he stared at the bloody blade with numb astonishment.

"Six Sages! Now!" Sasuke yelled, gathering his remaining power in a small orb of light. It glowed brighter and brighter, engulfing the entire screen. In the middle of the screen was the Sandaime, who drew himself up regally.

"Ancient creators of Hyrule!" he said, voice loud and commanding. "Now, open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!"

"Evil Incarnation of Darkness?" Sakura repeated. "I thought he was called the King of Evil."

"I heard it was the Ruler of Ruthlessness," Kakashi commented, not looking up from Icha Icha Paradise.

"Wasn't it the Sovereign of Sin?" Ino questioned, frowning.

"I was sure it was the Monarch of Malevolence," Temari shrugged.

"I thought it was the Dark Lord," Jiraiya commented.

"No, that's from the Harry Potter books," Kakashi corrected.

"How would you know?" Sakura demanded. "All you ever do is read those stupid Icha Icha books, even when we're supposed to be training!"

"What's wrong with Icha Icha?" Jiraiya asked, tone injured.

"SAGES!" The Sandaime bellowed. "Not the time! We must banish Ganondorf into the Realm of Evil!"

"Whatever," Temari drawled, bored. Ino nodded in agreement, playing with the ends of her hair. The Sages, one by one, summoned their power, transforming themselves into brightly glowing orbs of power. The screen went white.

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Orochimaru's angry face appeared on the screen, somewhat bruised and battered, but otherwise normal. "_You_…" he spat, pure poison in his voice. "Damn you to hell, Princess! I really thought we had something," he said, an angry sort of leer on his face. "Damn you, Sages…and you…Naruto…" he literally spat at this. "DAMN YOU MOST OF ALL!"

Off screen, a familiar mocking voice said, "Aw, what, I'm not worthy of mention? I'm so hurt." There was the sound of someone being smacked, likely into a wall. "_Damn_ it, twerp…!"

Orochimaru continued on screen as if he hadn't heard them. "Someday…when this seal is broken…that is when I'll exterminate your descendants!" he hissed. "As long as the Triforce of Power is in my hand…"

He began to chuckle maniacally, before it grew into loud, insane laughter. The screen went white once again.

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ONE CHAPTER LEFT!

Wow…there really is only one chapter left…it's practically over. Then I get started on the sequel! Well, I'll see you all next chapter then…and thank you all again. I've achieved every goal I could have ever set and more through this story, all thanks to you. Maybe this is the beginning of something big for me. All I know is, I don't think I've ever felt more grateful before. Thank you all!

Kyuubi's Tissue Fund is now being renamed to the Author's Tissue Fund…because I'm likely going to need them by the end of next chapter…thanks for reading!


	42. There's Going to be a SEQUEL?

Well…this is it. The final chapter. Wow. Um…I guess I'll be doing my disclaimer for this chapter!

(Clears throat) I do not own Nintendo or Naruto. I think we all knew that by now…but, if I DO ever manage to get my hands on the rights, guess what I'm ordering them to make for me…? (Wink)

I've said it more times than I can remember, but thank you all, readers.

I really am going to need those tissues…(Sniffles) Roll it! The finale and the cast party, guys! …No, the CAST party. What did you think I said…? Oh, for Din's sake, let me do it then…

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Clouds dusted across the surface of the bright blue sky, the sun truly beating down on Hyrule field for the first time in seven years. Everywhere, people were stepping out of their houses, watching Ganon's Castle just outside of Hyrule Market crumble and collapse. Floating high up in the sky, even above the clouds, were two people, a small fire-red fairy also among them.

"Good job, dead last," Sasuke was saying, the barest hint of a sincere smile lurking on his features. "Thanks to you, Ganondorf has been sealed inside the Evil Realm, and things will be peaceful here. At least, until the game makers decide it's been too long and decide to make a sequel."

Kyuubi face faulted. "Well, hell if it's going to happen in our lifetime."

Sasuke looked incredibly irritated and almost pained and he said through gritted teeth, "All the tragedy to befall Hyrule was my doing…I was too young to understand the consequences of trying to control the Sacred Realm."

Naruto snickered. "Sasuke Uchiha, accepting blame for something…"

Kyuubi clapped a hand on Naruto's shoulder, looking solemn. "I'm so sorry, twerp," he said, expression not even wavering. "Look like we couldn't stop the end of the world after all."

At this, the two of them couldn't contain themselves. They doubled over in laughter. Sasuke stamped his foot, flushing brilliant pink.

"Shut up! Those are just my lines!" he said defensively. "I never would've done something so stupid!"

Naruto and Kyuubi regained control, Naruto still giggling slightly under his breath. Sasuke glared at him, but continued.

"I dragged you into this, too. Now I need to make up for my mistakes…you must lay the Master Sword to rest and close the Door of Time."

Kyuubi sighed in relief. "You know, that's not what I thought you were going to say…scared me for a second…"

Sasuke twitched, flicking Kyuubi out of the air. "By doing this, the road between times will be closed. Now give me my Ocarina back."

"What? No," Naruto pouted, clutching the Ocarina of Time defensively. "You threw it at me, so it's mine now."

"I threw it into the moat, technically," Sasuke smirked. "Figured you might need to cool your head after seeing Ganondorf."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "I knew you did that on purpose, you bastard!"

"Just give me the damn Ocarina!" Sasuke snapped. "Since I'm a Sage, I can send you back to your own time!"

Kyuubi and Naruto froze. "…My own time?" Naruto blinked.

Kyuubi shot his charge a look. The blonde looked stunned as he began to panic. "But…I don't want to go! I'm stronger and cooler in this body! WHAT ABOUT MY BIGGORON?"

Kyuubi gave him a sympathetic look before turning to Sasuke. "I'm all for it."

Naruto looked betrayed, and under his breath Kyuubi sighed in relief. "No more Yondaime-twerp…just being around him makes me uneasy…"

While Naruto was suitably distracted, Sasuke swiped the Ocarina from his hands, ignoring Naruto's indignant protests. "Go home, dead last," he said quietly. "Back where you're supposed to be, the way you're supposed to be." He closed his eyes and began to play Zelda's Lullaby. Naruto, still struggling, began to rise up into the air. Kyuubi flitted up after him.

"Bye, Naruto…you moron."

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The credits began to roll across the screen, and wild applause started up. Laughing, Naruto was urged forward, pushed up in front of the screen. With a wide grin, he took a quick bow, tweaking his orange bowtie as he did so.

"Speech!" Someone called. Naruto grinned.

"Not yet, dattebayo!" he winked cheekily. "Not everyone is even here yet!"

"Kid, get down from there!" Tsunade yelled, already tipsy. Her gown of dazzling white already had a small red stain of wine on the skirt. "We're all sick of looking at you by now!" More laughter greeted her words.

"Agent R, this is Agent G, over," Genma muttered into a small walkie-talkie. He and Raidou were standing just by the doors, acting as the bouncers. Having been allowed to choose what they wanted to wear, both were decked out in solid black tuxedos and dark sunglasses, earpieces leading down into their pockets. Raidou rolled his eyes, though it was hard to tell behind the dark sunglasses.

"Alright, now this is going overboard," Raidou said wearily. "I'm right here."

Genma said nothing. Raidou sighed. "Over."

"Another late arrival, Agent R," Genma muttered. "Shall I let them in? Over."

"Sure, over," Raidou waved a hand carelessly. Genma opened the fancy double doors, allowing a small glowing orb with a black bowtie through.

"Sorry I'm late," Kyuubi said breezily, making sure he was creating a spectacle as he entered. He grinned wickedly as Naruto sprung forward eagerly.

"Kyuubi!" he said, trying to hug him. Kyuubi hit him on the head.

"No hugging," he said sternly, before looking smug. "I believe you've met my date?" he indicated the girl on his left arm. "And my date?" he indicated the girl on his right. "Oh, and my date?" The girl behind him smiled sweetly.

"Din, Nayru, Farore," Naruto greeted cordially. The girl hanging onto Kyuubi's left arm scowled, tossing her green hair over her shoulders.

"Even when he's saying hi, I'm last," she hissed. The other Goddesses nodded and smiled back.

"Is our host here?" Kyuubi asked. "I have some things I need to talk about with the director."

"Not that I've seen," Naruto frowned. "I heard from the author that the director wasn't coming. There are a couple of stagehands here to say a speech on the director's behalf, though."

"Figures," Kyuubi snorted. "The author is here? I thought she'd be typing or something."

"No, she came," Naruto pointed to a redhead in glasses crouching over a notepad, occasionally stopping to push up the baggy sleeves of her tuxedo. "She's taking notes about the party. It was the only way she was allowed to come."

"Naruto! Kyuubi!" another voice greeted. Naruto turned around to face Haku, beaming.

"Hi, Haku!" he said exuberantly. Kyuubi gave him a smirk, before turning to the Goddesses.

"Why don't you girls go mingle? The punch bowl's over there," he said, blowing each one a kiss. "I'll catch up with you later, alright?"

"Sure," Din giggled, leaning down to place a kiss on the tip of his wings. Farore winked at him, and Nayru merely blushed. The sisters headed off in the direction of the punch bowl.

"So, Haku," Kyuubi greeted. "Got out of the spandex, I see."

Haku blushed slightly, chuckling. "Yes, even though my date was kind of against the idea," he said, looking instinctively out into the crowd. Kyuubi's jaw dropped.

"Isn't that the new director?"

"Uh, yes," Haku blushed harder. "But don't look at her like that! You already have three dates!"

Kyuubi looked remotely abashed. Haku continued, "We met a while back, when she was checking out the director's office and stuff…and we just kind of…" he trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

"Well, it's looks like someone is going to get a good role next time," Zabuza said, coming up from behind his charge casually. "Haku, she's calling for you."

"Oh! Thank you," Haku said gratefully, rushing off. Zabuza inclined his head in greeting before following him into the crowd. Off to the side, another commotion was heard.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Sasuke was yelling, face flushed and arms crossed, sulking. He wore a black tuxedo, and was obviously relieved about it, but two things seemed to be troubling him.

"For old times' sake!" Ino said pleadingly, toying with the hem of her short purple dress.

"Yeah!" Sakura chimed in, wearing a striped dress of pink and mint green. "In commemoration of all the chapters we spent in the parody!"

"Please?" they chorused. Sasuke glared at them furiously, the blush on his cheeks growing relentlessly.

"I will not wear that damned dress again!" he said, glowing an even deeper shade of crimson. "Especially not with those…adjustments! That's indecent!"

Ino held up Sasuke's pink Zelda dress, only now it was much…skimpier, not to mention shorter. "Oh, come on!" she whined. "Just for a minute?"

"I SAID NO!"

Raidou rushed over, dragging Kakashi behind him. "That's the problem," he said to the silver haired man, who had come to the party dressed in his regular ninja uniform. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to Itachi – he's complaining about the fangirls again…"

Kakashi simply reached out and began dragging Sasuke behind him. "Come on," he sighed, not looking up from his latest novel of Icha Icha Paradise. "We'll go somewhere far away from your fangirls."

Sasuke looked half-outraged for being dragged behind Kakashi, but mostly grateful. Kakashi dragged him right past Kurenai, Anko, Shizune, and Tsunade, who were all in deep conversation.

"…Not safe anywhere," Kurenai was saying, biting her lip. "Not in my trailer, not on screen…it's like he was everywhere!"

"I had the same problem," Anko growled, punching her fist. "I say we find him and beat his ass until he regrets ever even seeing us!"

"That won't work," Tsunade said, sounding depressed, sloshing her wine around. "I've known the bastard for years. Nothing in the world can make him stop…" she paused, before banging her fist on the table. "Jiraiya, get out from under there right now!"

Sheepishly, Jiraiya crawled out from under the table, looking sheepish. Kurenai flushed red angrily.

"That was you?" she barked, blushing harder. "I thought that was someone's foot under there!"

The girls took off in pursuit of Jiraiya, who had sprouted a huge nosebleed, looking quite proud of himself. They ran underneath the chandelier, which Gai and Rock Lee were looking up at contemplatively.

"My young pupil!" Gai gave Lee a dazzling smile. "I believe I have devised a youthful way to occupy us during this party!"

"Gai-sensei, you truly are a genius!" Lee crowed.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Excuse us," Shizune said politely, trying to move around the two. "I still see him! Come on, girls, let's get him!"

The women practically pushed Gai and Lee out of the way to continue their chase. The pair barely noticed. The girls pursued Jiraiya, running by the sand siblings, who stared after the procession.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru sighed. The lazy genius 'just happened' to be hanging around where Temari was, leaning back against the wall. Gaara, who already seemed suspicious, was eyeing Shikamaru warningly. Kankuro had his arm wrapped around a strangely blank-faced girl, who looked a lot like one of the Kokiri puppets.

"Whatever he did, he probably deserved it," Temari snorted. "That guy is a huge pervert. I even caught him peeking in on _me_, once."

Gaara's expression darkened, as did Shikamaru's. "Excuse me," they said in unison, standing up at the same time. They shot the other a look – one murderous, one more than a bit nervous. Then, as if they had wordlessly agreed that the other was not the enemy, they took off after Jiraiya.

Kankuro was oblivious to all this. "Does my date want some punch?" he cooed, tipping a glass over her mouth. The drink splattered down her wooden features, dripping down onto her plain-looking dress. Kankuro smiled at the puppet lovingly. "I'm really glad you came with me to the party."

The puppet said nothing. He beamed at it, "Why, thank you! You look nice, too!"

Temari began scooting further away from Kankuro. She moved further back into a corner, before yelping when she bumped into someone. Casting them a quick look and not recognizing them, she uttered a quick apology before walking off.

Nabooru sighed, watching Temari go. "Hey…didn't she play me?"

"Who cares," Zelda snapped sulkily. It was clear she had been bitching for most of the night already. "Did you see that boy? He was awful! He acted nothing like me! It was an insult to my character!"

"I thought he did it better than you ever could," Ruto sneered. "He was prettier, at least."

Zelda bolted to her feet. "What was that?"

"Calm down," Navi said tiredly. "Link, say something to calm her down!"

Link was silent. Navi whirled around. "See?"

"My dear fiancé is right," Ruto sighed. "I'm sorry, Zelda."

"I guess I am, too," the Princess said grudgingly. Impa gave her a stern look of warning. Zelda rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm sorry, Ruto."

Malon shifted uncomfortably. "I think we're all edgy," she admitted. "We're kind of…out of place here. All these people know each other and stuff. We're just the original characters."

"You can say that again," Saria said. Darunia nodded in agreement.

"And they don't have any good food for me!" The Goron said indignantly. "It's all human food! All those rocks on that food tray taste awful!" he pointed. "They were all wet, too."

"That's the fountain," Rauru informed him, looking very self-important. "Those are plastic rocks at the bottom, for decoration." Darunia blinked.

"Oh," he said simply.

Meanwhile, Jiraiya was desperately trying to find somewhere to hide. "Someone, anyone help me," he said pleadingly. Hinata, looking startled, moved slightly to the side, offering him the broom cupboard she was standing in front of. He gave her a large, grateful smile.

"Hinata, wasn't it? You always were one of my favourites," he said almost suggestively, ducking inside the cupboard. Kiba and Shino exchanged looks.

"Um…I j-just thought I should h-help," Hinata explained, a light pink painting her cheeks. Shino nodded once, showing he understood. Kiba, on the other hand, looked at the two of them questioningly.

"What? What's going on?" he furrowed his brow. "I don't get it."

Shino rolled his eyes. "Jiraiya is Naruto's sensei."

Akamaru barked in realization, looking worldly. Realization dawned on Kiba, and he began nodding vigorously. "I get it!" he said, grinning. Hinata smiled at him, before going off into the crowd to look for Naruto. Kiba turned to Shino again. "No, I don't. What did she do that for?"

Shino sighed, walking away in disgust. Kiba yelled at him, running after him with Akamaru at his heels. Konohamaru and Moegi, the only members of their gang present, snuck out from under the table. Moegi hopped on top of Konohamaru's shoulders, reaching up high enough the lock the broom cupboard door.

"Success!" Moegi announced. Konohamaru cheered and let her down.

"Operation Lock the Old Man in the Closet worked!" Konohamaru announced. "…I'm bored again now. Let's go do something else fun!"

"Okay!" Moegi nodded, and they turned, promptly smacking into Neji, who nearly spilled the two glasses of punch he was carrying. He stared down at the pair, and they stared back. After a moment, Neji walked on, and the two-thirds of Konohamaru's gang scurried off to make more mischief.

"Oh, there you are!" Tenten greeted as Neji returned, sitting on top of a table. The stoic boy tried not to blush as he glanced at her leg, exposed by the long slit up the side of her dusty pink dress. She hopped off, accepting the punch. "Thanks, Neji. Anything interesting going on yet?"

Neji took a quick look around. Tsunade, lining up a crowd of women (which included Gaara and Shikamaru, for some odd reason) and commanding them like troops; Kyuubi leering at his three dates, all of them giggling and ignoring Naruto, who was pestering the fairy impatiently; Zabuza giving critical looks to Haku's date as the three of them conversed; Kiba and Akamaru tailing Shino through the crowd, who was subtly trying to get away; Kakashi pushing Sasuke towards Itachi, both the Uchiha brothers looking murderous; Genma, Raidou, and Iruka watching the brothers fight, looking frantic as they tried to break them up while keeping the fangirls at bay; Ino and Sakura, among the fangirls, making a few last-minute alterations to Sasuke's dress; Gai and Lee, in matching green suits, exuberantly hanging off the chandelier, 'training'; Konohamaru and Moegi, stalking the two nervous-looking stagehands, carrying a small bag of finger sandwiches and obviously up to something; the original Zelda characters, lurking in the corner and looking out of place, and the author, sitting on the stage as the credits continued to roll behind her, frantically scribbling.

"No," Neji answered finally. "Nothing interesting."

"Excuse me!" Iruka called, making his way on stage and clinking a fork against his glass. The crowd continued to buzz with chattering and laughter. The only person who seemed to take notice was the author, who hopped off the stage and stared up at Iruka, still scratching away at her notepad. "Can I have your attention?" Iruka tried again.

"May I?" Kyuubi offered, flying up on stage. Iruka shrugged helplessly. "SHUT UP, PEOPLE! THIS MAN IS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING, SO STOP TALKING AND PAY ATTENTION, DAMN IT!"

The crowd fell silent. Iruka looked unnerved. "Um…first off, can I ask the fangirls to back off for the duration of the chapter?" he asked politely. There was a chorus of disappointed moans. "Thank you," Iruka said gratefully.

"I'll say," Itachi muttered, shooting dark looks at the crowd that was slowly backing away. Sasuke dusted off his shoulders, trying not to look too relieved.

"Uh, to start us off, as we all know, we lost a life during the making of this parody," Iruka began. "Although I didn't know the postman very well…not at all, in fact…I was asked to do his eulogy. However, having not known him, I didn't have much to say about his life, only about how he died. His death was honourable, as he delivered a very important item during the final battle. If it weren't for him, we all probably wouldn't be here. So…I'd like to lead us in a moment of silence."

The crowd fell respectively silent, bowing their heads. All except one head, which was held defiantly high as he hummed a cheerful, upbeat tune.

One by one, eyes opened as they gave Kyuubi incredulous looks. Naruto rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed. "Kyuubi, cut it out," he whispered. "You're making everyone stare, dattebayo…"

Kyuubi snickered. "Moment of silence over, then?" he said brightly, voice deafening against the silence. Iruka coughed lightly.

"Alright then," he said uncomfortably. "Uh, now we have a word from the director of Ocarina of Konoha…or rather, the director's representatives." He stepped back and to the side, clapping. The crowd began applauding as well, as the two stagehands walked on stage, looking a little nervous, but with large smiles.

"Hello," the first stagehand greeted. She fidgeted slightly. "I was told to say, and I quote, 'It was great directing you all. Thanks to the cast for cooperating – for the most part. Also, I'd like to make a point of not thanking the stagehands. You all did a rather sub-par job. There were some great times during this parody, most of which I won't bother mentioning, but most notably when I got a vacation during the Fire Temple.' End quote, part one."

"I have the rest of the quote," the other stagehand said. He stepped forward, towards the microphone. "The director said and I quote, 'Also, damn you for replacing me. So sorry if I didn't do a good enough job for you. To the new director, good luck and don't you dare change around my office.' End quote."

The new director snickered in the audience.

"Thank you, representatives of the director," Iruka said, taking back the microphone. "On that note, we'll now have a word from our new director."

Haku escorted the dark-haired girl on his arm up to the stage, helping her up the stairs in a gentlemanly manner. The new director walked up to the microphone, black dress glimmering under the lighting.

"Hi," she grinned. "I'll start by saying I can't wait to direct the sequel -"

"Sequel?" The entire cast, with the exception of Haku, Kakashi, and Jiraiya – Haku already had an idea of what she was talking about, Kakashi was reading, and Jiraiya was locked in a cupboard – blinked, confused.

"…I hope it will be just as good, if not better, than Ocarina of Konoha," she continued. "The cast, for the most part, has already been chosen. Oh," her smile grew wider, "I also plan on fully remodelling the director's office. I'm also going to be more involved in the sequel than the old director, and I'm expanding our budget. I'll see you all soon!" She accepted Haku's hand, and he led her down back into the crowd.

"Um, thank you, Ms. Director," Iruka said, still looking a bit puzzled. "Now, we'll have a few words from the two people who probably were the most involved in the parody. First we have the fairy, Kyuubi, and our Hero of Time, Naruto!"

Both of the aforementioned stepped up on stage, waving modestly. Link and Navi gave them appraising looks.

"I agree," Navi muttered, nodding. "We made way better heroes."

"If no one minds, I'd like to say my piece first," Kyuubi gave the audience a fox-grin. "I'd just like to say that this parody was hell. I was put through torture of the Goddess kind, made to tag along with an idiotic hero twerp, been stuffed in bottles, had to fight molester monsters that the twerp was too cowardly to go near, been forced to go on strike to get what was rightfully mine, gone through personality and body switches, and done a hell of lot of other shit that was humiliating, painful, freaky, unnatural, or otherwise. Not to mention the writing style itself was atrocious -" he was cut off by Naruto, who batted him away from the microphone.

"Um, ignore everything he said," Naruto said sheepishly. "What he's trying to say is…it was a lot of fun doing this parody. We met new friends," he inclined his head towards the Goddesses. "We got closer to other friends." He glanced quickly at Hinata, blushing lightly, which in turn made her blush. "We got to see Sasuke in a dress…" at this, he began snickering, trying to control his laughter that was threatening to burst.

"Shut up," Sasuke began twitching again, and Itachi smirked faintly, looking at his younger brother contemptuously.

"I'm really glad we all got to do this," Naruto concluded, starting to walk down the steps off stage, dragging Kyuubi behind him. Suddenly he paused, bolting back up to the microphone.

"But mostly, I'm glad it's over, dattebayo!" he cheered, making the crowd laugh, some cast members raising their glasses in agreement.

"Thank you, Naruto and Kyuubi," Iruka said, laughing lightly. "Finally, we have a word from the person who put the most work into this parody, who slaved away at the keyboard endlessly to get us to where we are now. Let's hear it for the author!" Iruka began clapping again, and the crowd also applauded, mostly out of politeness. The author, in her too-baggy tuxedo and still clutching her notepad and pencil, stepped up to the microphone, almost shyly.

"Hello," she smiled brightly. "I'd just like to thank everyone involved in this story – the cast, stagehands, and director. Thank you, original Ocarina of Time characters, thanks to the new director, and thanks to the makers of Nintendo and Naruto." Her smile began to grow slightly wistful. "Of course, the characters used throughout this parody are property of Masashi Kishimoto, and the entire plot belongs to Nintendo. I thank them for letting me use what is theirs…even if they didn't know it." She paused, and cleared her throat before continuing, still scribbling on her notepad.

"Most importantly, thank you to my readers. You're all very important to me. I don't think I could ever really put in words how honoured I feel that you've all stuck by me…or how grateful I am…or how happy this story has made me." She sniffled. "It was so much fun writing this parody, and I can't believe it's actually _over_…I was worried, right from the beginning, that I would never finish. That I'd give up, or forget about it, or stop loving it. That didn't happen, though." She smiled again, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "Well, at least there's the sequel! ANBU's Mask will be in production fairly soon! I hope that it will be as successful as Ocarina of Konoha!"

"SEQUEL?" The cast repeated, horrified.

"Wait…we're doing this _again?_" Kyuubi asked in abject horror. Suddenly, and to the author's relief, a loud disturbance came from the direction of the punch bowl.

Din angrily held up her shattered glass. "Say that again! I dare you!" she narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"I'm at least ten times better than you!" Farore yelled, face flushed and hands balled into fists. "I don't see why I ever thought I could share Kyuu with either of you!"

Surprisingly, Nayru was also glaring at the other two. "It's obvious which of us he likes better, anyway!" she declared. "Maybe if you two hadn't tormented him through the entire parody…!"

"That's it!" Din screeched. "We are going to decide this, fair and square!"

"Fine!" Farore hollered back. "First one to make him cry again wins!"

Kyuubi paled. "Not again…" he wailed. "I can't catch a break!"

With all the commotion, hardly anyone noticed that the credits had finally ended. The author turned around to watch the screen, contently sitting on the stage cross-legged, notepad in her lap.

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Everything seemed to shine bright blue as Naruto descended, in child form once again. He stared at his hands with a melancholy, accepting smile. Kyuubi began flying up to the window, a bright beam of sunlight shining down directly on the Master Sword, firmly set in the stone pedestal.

Kyuubi sighed soundlessly, staring out the window. He looked almost regretful, as if he knew that something was going to happen that he couldn't prevent. He returned to Naruto, shaking his head at his inquisitive look. The blonde smiled, casting one last look at the Master Sword, sliding the door shut. The sound of bells triumphantly ringing faded away, as the screen also faded to black.

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(Sigh) It's over. It's actually over. I think…I'm kind of in shock. Normally, I'd want to type so much here…but I don't think I have any more to say. I guess all I can say is thank you, again.

To my faithful readers, thanks for sticking by me for so long. For all of you who are reading this through for the first time, I really hoped you liked my story!

I'll see you all around! Sadly, not in this story…but hey, every end's a new beginning, right? In this case, the beginning of the sequel. Thank you all, and bye!


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